How and Why You Love the Way You Do, It’s An Adaptation

To become a client visit catiaholm.com or call/text 956-249-7930. 

We trace how early experiences teach our bodies what love feels like and how those lessons shape anxious, avoidant, disorganized, and secure patterns. We share body-based tools and compassionate questions that turn reactivity into choice and repair.

• attachment as adaptation not identity
• overview of anxious, avoidant, disorganized, secure
• polyvagal safety cues and survival states
• real-life signs in texting, conflict, and closeness
• self-inquiry to map “what kept me safe”
• tools to name patterns and slow the body
• separating past from present during triggers
• compassion and repair as secure moves
• healing through therapy and consistent relationships
• journal prompts to invite awareness and change

Transcript

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Welcome to Couch Time with Cat, your safe place for real conversation and gentle check-in. KWVH presents Couch Time with Cat. Hi friends, and welcome to Couch Time with Cat. Mental wellness with a friendly voice. I'm Cat, therapist, bestselling author, TEDx speaker, and endurance athlete. But most of all, I'm a wife, mama, and someone who deeply believes that people are good and healing is possible. Here in the hill country of Wimberley, Texas, I've built my life and practice around one purpose: to make mental wellness feel accessible, compassionate, and real. This show is for those moments when life feels heavy, when you're craving clarity, or when you just need to hear, you're not alone. Each week we'll explore the terrain of mental wellness through stories, reflections, research, and tools you can bring into everyday life. Think of it as a conversation between friends, rooted in science, guided by heart, and grounded in the belief that healing does not have to feel clinical. It can feel like sitting on a couch with someone who gets it. So whether you're driving, walking, cooking, or simply catching your breath, you're welcome here. This is your space to feel seen, supported, and reminded of your own strength. I'm so glad you're here. Let's dive in. I am sitting here in the studio thinking about you and also laughing and making jokes with Tim, and it is so fun. And so we're gonna dive into something called attachment styles today. But here's a reminder that I want to remind you, but also remind myself life is for fun. And when we can find just like pockets of silly fun, why not? Let's do it. I was speaking Spanish with Tim and um I was speaking in Spanish. I I'm fluent in Spanish. I grew up in the Rio Grande Valley, so I I lived speaking Spanish with friends and grandparents and parents and cousins and just everybody. And um, I don't get to practice it that much anymore here. So if you're out there and you want to practice Spanish with me, vamos. Dame una llamada. Okay. Have you ever wondered why you pull away when someone gets close, or why you hold tighter and maybe you get anxious when you're afraid someone might leave? Or have you ever noticed that you're just you're just a cool cucumber, no matter what the other person is doing? Today we're talking about something that quietly shapes every relationship we touch: attachment patterns. And we're talking about it not as a label and not as I'm not um pigeonholing anybody, but rather it's just going to be a sense of awareness of how we attach to people that we care about. It's kind of how our nervous system learned to attach before we had language for it. I want you to imagine a small child learning how love works. A small child doesn't learn from lectures or from books, but they learn from glances, tones, touch, absence, and presence. That child learns whether closeness feels safe, whether needs are welcome, whether emotions are met or minimized, whether love stays or leaves, and then quietly and invisibly that learning becomes a blueprint. Years later, we call it chemistry, or we call it my type, or we call it bad luck in love. But often what we're really experiencing is attachment. Today we're going to talk about why we love the way we do. We're not judging it, we're not pathologizing it, we're just seeking to understand it in a gentle and loving way. Something that is so cool about this show, listener, and thank you so, so much for being here, is that we can talk about these concepts. And since we are not judging each other in the moment, I'm not saying you should change or that you need to do something different. What happens is that your psyche can really absorb it in a way that it's more curious about rather than defending yourself or trying to get your point across or trying to be heard. You're in a place, maybe you're washing dishes or driving your car or going for a walk at the park. And so instead of defending yourself and your goodness, which you are, you are very good. You can just think about these ideas and as concepts and think, where does that fit in my life? And that's why I love you being here. I love the opportunity to talk to you about these things because when our mind and our hearts can open up to these possibilities, it really changes our life. So, what is attachment? Attachment theory tells us that human beings are wired for connection. Our nervous systems are relational. So, from the very beginning, we learn who we can lean on and how we get comfort and what love requires of us. But I want to say this clearly: attachment isn't about blaming parents or caregivers, or I'm not here to wag a finger or judge what somebody did or didn't give you. All our experiences are hyper nuanced and personal. Rather, we're here to understand our experience and really look at our experience through the lens of attachment. Most givers, most caregivers do the best they can with what they have. And still our systems learn something very specific. Let's name the four main patterns without boxing you in, okay? Just think of these as kind of loose ideas. The first type of pattern I want to talk about is anxious attachment. This is when love feels really inconsistent, sometimes warm, but sometimes distant. And you learn to stay alert, to hold tight, to worry about being left. There's something called avoidant attachment. This is when love felt emotionally unavailable or overwhelming. You learned to rely on yourself, to minimize your needs, and to protect your independence. Then there's disorganized attachment. It's a little of this, a little of that. This is when love felt both wanted but feared. When closeness and danger lived in the same space. You learn to long for connection, but fear it at the same time. And here's the most important part. These are not personality flaws, these are ways our nervous system adapted. And lastly, there's secure attachment. This is when love felt mostly safe. Needs were seen, repair happened, and you learned that closeness could be trusted. You learned you could rely on somebody. You learned that the love was going to be there even when you made a mistake, even when you went against their preferences. You learned that love was steady and stable. Neuroscientist Dr. Stephen Porges, creator of the polyvagal theory, explains that our autonomic nervous system, especially the vagus nerve, plays a central role in regulating safety and connection. When we experience safe attachment, so that's that secure attachment we were talking about earlier, the ventral vagal system is activated. This promotes social engagement, calm, and openness. So think of it kind of like an elevator. When we are at the calm level, we can socially engage, we can be open, we can be creative. And when the attachment feels threatened, that's like the bottom level, our system can shift into sympathetic arousal. So that's fight or flight. You guys have heard me talk about fight, flight, freeze, or fawn here on the show. So that is when we are in our survival system. So in other words, our attachment styles live in our body, not just our mind. Our attachment style lives in our body. So if we want to heal anything, we can't just change our thoughts. We also have to bring the body along and heal that as well. The brain is a social organ. Our relationships shape the structure and function of our brains. That's a quote by Dr. Daniel J. Siegel. He is brilliant. Both Dr. Stephen Porges and Dr. Daniel J. Siegel, I have learned so much from each of their writings. So why does this matter? Why does under understanding or attachment matter? Because we often shame ourselves. We ask questions like, why am I like this? Why do I keep choosing the same relationship? Why do I push people away? Why do I cling so hard? Maybe we're not sharing these questions out loud, but it's most definitely playing in the tape of our mind. But attachment offers a question over and over. What did my heart have to learn to stay safe? If we're going to know our attachment, we have to address this question. What did my heart have to learn to stay safe? And like Dr. Dan Siegel says, if we can name it, we can change it. So let's start with that sense of awareness. What was your experience like? How did you have to be? What was the price you had to pay to be safe and loved? Did you have to get small? Did you have to cut off your needs? Did you have to show up for the other person no matter if you were uncomfortable? Did you have to pretend to be somebody you weren't? What did you have to do to stay safe? You're listening to Catch Time with Kat. I'm Kat. Hi. And today we're talking about why we love the way we do. And we're understanding attachment patterns and how they shape us. And if you have a question you'd like to ask anonymously, please call or text 956-249-7930, and I will answer it on the show. How does attachment show up in real life? So let's kind of bring it to reality. So we've talked about the different attachment styles, how we get these different attachment styles, right? It's our caregivers, how we were raised, our early childhood. And now we're going to talk about how does this show up in real life? So if this is not in theory, it's showing up in everyday moments. It can show up when you want to, you want to text back immediately, or maybe you have to wait three hours so you don't seem needy. Maybe you crave closeness, but you feel trapped once you get it. Maybe you overfunction in relationships, whether it's emotionally, practically, or relationally. Maybe you shut down during conflict. Oh, I used to do that. Oh man, I would shut down hardcore. I was like Batman. Just like I would just like close that emotional. It was, I would just go inside in me and just create this big buffer between me and the other person. I mean, I could be standing right in front of you, and I was like, you're dead to me. I'm impenetrable. I was so, so afraid of conflict. Or maybe you chase clarity. Or maybe you fear abandonment. Or perhaps you fear being consumed, like getting lost in the other person. If you've ever thought, I don't understand why I react like this, I want to gently say, you're just protecting yourself, okay? You're not crazy, you're not broken, you're just staying safe in the best way that you know how. Anxious attachment can look like overthinking texts, fear of being replaced, seeking reassurance. Do you like me? Do you see me? Am I pretty? Am I handsome? Do you like me? Why did you text me back? Text me back, right? It's that kind of like a hamster wheel. Or maybe anxious attachment can show up, like feeling responsible for the relationship, like it's all on you to get it right, or else they're out of there. Avoidant attachment in adult life can look like pulling away when things get really deep, or intellectualizing emotions. If we stay in our head about something, then all our energy is up in our brain and we're not feeling it in our body. And so we can be in the same room, but when we're intellectualizing everything between us and let's say our partner, we're not feeling the vulnerability of feelings in our body. And so you look like you're showing up, your words are saying you're showing up, but you're not bringing your whole self to the party. You're only bringing your brain. And the reason that you're doing this is because if you brought your body and your body's feelings to the party, it would be too overwhelming. And so you think, nope, not doing that. I'll talk about it, but I'm not actually going to feel it. Avoid an attachment can also look like prioritizing independence. Where am I? You just you just do not want to feel like a burden. You don't want to ask anything of anybody because you want to take care of yourself, because relying on somebody feels goopy. Or maybe you're feeling overwhelmed by needs. Let's move on to disorganized attachment. So that's a little of this, a little of that. That can look like push-pull dynamics. So it can look like I need you, no, I don't need you, I need you, no, I don't need you. Or an intense longing mixed with fear. Like, oh my God, I really want this person in my life, but I can't say it out loud because I'm afraid of rejection. That can even show up in friendships. I've felt that before. Like, oh, I really want them to be my friend, but I'm afraid they're not gonna like me, right? Or difficulty trusting stability. So maybe somebody's offering you a really stable romantic relationship, and you're like, I don't know, this person seems weird. So you are kind of injecting this doubt because the security and stability feels weird. It feels foreign. And secure attachment, let's go on to the fourth one, secure attachment. It doesn't mean perfection. There's often a lot of flexibility incorporated into it. And it really the marker is the ability to stay connected even when things feel uncomfortable. So maybe someone's bringing something to us, a disappointment. Like they are, we hurt their feelings. And they tell us, hey, listen, friend, you hurt my feelings. And instead of shutting down, and instead of running away, and instead of completely contorting to um, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, you're groveling, right? These are all anxious or avoidant. Maybe we say, I'm so sorry that I disappointed you. I'm so sorry that was not my intention. How can I make it better? It takes a lot of guts, like a lot of guts, to be securely attached. It takes a lot of maturity, a lot of patience and awareness and self-regulating techniques. Earlier, we were talking about how these patterns are kind of laid down in early childhood. And then we go on repeating them through our life and adolescence, and then we become adults and we continue repeating them, most times unknowingly. And if we don't repair this pattern, we will just keep repeating it. Let's do a little pause and reflect. Put your hand on your heart. I'm gonna do the same. If you're driving, you can do this later. So put one hand on heart, maybe two hands on heart, breathe in through your nose. Okay. Exhale. And ask yourself this question. When I get close to someone, what do I feel first? Safety or fear? When you get close to someone, what do you feel first? Safety or fear? You're listening to Catch Time with Kat. I'm Kat, and today we're talking about attachment patterns and how they shape our relationships. And remember, if you have a question, I'd love to answer it. Please call or text me at 956-249-7930, and I'll answer it on the show. And here's can we move to hope? Let's do it. Let's move to a little hope, okay? Can attachment change? Yes. Yes, it certainly can. Are we broken if it doesn't? No. You're not broken. If you remain anxiously attached forever, you're not broken. It's okay. Be gentle with yourself. If you remain anxiously attached forever, it's because you've been through a lot. And that that knowing and that compassion and that awareness is first and foremost. When we turn our attention toward healing our attachment style, or at least I call it cooling it down. Like maybe it doesn't need to be so in charge all the time. So maybe we can turn down the temperature. And maybe we're not all going to be securely attached in every relationship. Maybe we can just be securely attached in a romantic one. And then maybe with friends we're anxiously attached. And that's okay. That's okay. As long as you're turning your toes toward a more peaceful existence, I think that's enough. Our nervous system can be healed, it can be rewired. It takes patience and love and compassion. But it absolutely, you can absolutely change your attachment style. A part of changing your attachment style it's relational. I wish that I could say that you can heal your attachment style in a vacuum, but unfortunately, we cannot. We have to practice this with another person. What a bummer. Um that it's a bummer for people like me. Because I am anxiously attached once in a while, and I really hate being a burden to other people. So one way that I healed my attachment style over time and not in every relationship and not in every situation, but really my anxious attachment only comes up once in a while. But the first person that when I was like really, really healing it was my therapist. She loved me and loves me with open arms, no matter what I tell her. She's like, I get it. I love you. I get it. That's understandable. I get it. I want the best for you. Like it's a very, very loving container. And no matter what I was telling her, she held me in high regard. I started with her, oh Lord, 12 years ago or so. And when I started with her, I would see her very often. Now I we speak twice a year or three times a year. So I don't see her a ton anymore, but she really helped lay the tracks for what a secure attachment feels like. You can come here no matter what. And so I really healed that part of myself. So you can heal that part of yourself with a friend, with a romantic partner, or with a therapist. When you experience consistent and safe relationships, that will feel secure. You can practice your emotional awareness, you can practice self-soothing. Maybe you're going to seek it out in therapy or through the support of friends or family, or maybe you're also going to like add in some reflection. But always stay curious and not critical. Curious, not critical. Whenever my clients come to see me, there's not one ounce of criticism. I am in the room with understanding, warmth, curiosity. And really, I try to give them just a really big space to explore. Why did you react that way? Why does it feel like that? Never why did you react that way? Why does it feel like that? None of that. It's always just an exploration. When you know your pattern, you can stop taking your reactions as truth. This also requires us to kind of move our little egos to the side. So sometimes we react and we feel it so deeply that we think this must be true. But it's not. It's just a pattern. And so when we can start to see our pattern, we can see it as just that, oh, this is how I react all the time. It's not necessarily because I'm right and they are wrong. So instead of labeling something like you could say, oh, this relationship sucks, you might realize, oh, my nervous system is scared. Or instead of saying, they don't care, that's a protective move, right? You're blaming them that you're trying to protect yourself. You might realize, oh, I'm feeling activated, I'm feeling anxious, I'm feeling insecure, I'm feeling uncertain. That takes a lot of guts, right? To be self-aware and to say those things, to admit them to ourselves and then admit them to somebody else. Awareness alone can reduce conflict. I see it all the time with the couples I work with. Just a sense of awareness of the pattern is so powerful because you stop fighting each other and you start really looking toward the pattern. You know, oh, it's not my wife, it's not my husband that's the problem. It's the pattern that's the problem. Let's go to some tools. How about that? So, tool number one, and I hope these are just tiny ideas that spark some curiosity for you, and maybe you can implement them in your life. Tool number one is name the pattern. So, ooh, every time this happens, I get anxious. Or ooh, every time they come closer, I want to, I want to pull away. I want to pull away. So you're just gonna name the pattern, and you can write it in your own little notebook. You don't need to share it with anybody. Tool number two is slow down your body. So longer exhales, like we practice all the time here. Soften your shoulders and maybe ground your feet. Maybe go outside. Can you do that? Take off your shoes, go stand in the grass, go stand on rocks. Go ground yourself and think: where is the anxiety in my body? Where is the discomfort? Where is the dis-ease? Am I feeling tension anywhere? Is it because I want to run away, or is it because I want somebody to show up for me? Am I scared that they're not gonna show up for me? Just be honest with yourself. And then this one's the hardest, but I believe in you. Okay. Hardest, but I believe in you. Separate the past from the present. This is so hard. This is a lot of the work that I do with clients. So I know how difficult this is, and I have to work on it in my daily life as well. Asking yourself and being super honest with yourself, let's say you're anxious, check in. Okay, you've taken a deep breath and you've grounded your feet and you know that you're anxious, and now ask yourself, is this about now or is this about before? Like, is does this situation merit my anxiety, or is this a pattern that I have when somebody doesn't text me back? Maybe it's a past, maybe it's a present, and maybe it's both, but just get really clear on what is happening there. As always, listener, self-compassion is your partner in all of this. And that may sound like, oh, softy, like a like I'm so soft because I'll just keep saying self-compassion. Science says that self-compassion actually helps us heal and change faster than anything. So if you're thinking, ooh, I just gotta be hard on myself, you know, why can't I get it together? I just gotta like pull myself up by my bootstraps. Listen, there is a time and a place for that, and I know that, and I love that. And I'm an action-oriented gal, and I'm a goal setter, and I will work. I will. I am not afraid of hard work. And I know that when I bring self-compassion in to myself, there's often more ease and more space for change. So you are not your attachment pattern. You are just somebody who learned it. And you can change it. And you do not have to choose survival. You can instead heal yourself so you can learn to respond to the person you're sitting across from, whether it's a friend or coworker or a husband or wife. You do not have to constantly be white knuckling it through life, asking yourself, what's wrong with me? Why don't they, why don't they call me back? What's wrong with them? Like, if we're either blaming ourselves or we're blaming somebody else, this is not working. That is not a good or productive thought pattern. Rather, ask yourself, what did I need when I learned this? How did I learn this? Where did I learn this? Carl Rogers, the great Carl Rogers, said the curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change. So the prerequisite to change is acceptance. Okay, homework time. Homework from from Kat. Cat's homework. What should we name the segment? Okay, if you have ideas, call or text me. I want to know your ideas. Here are some journal prompts. What does closeness feel like to me? Safe or scary. What did love require of me when I was young? What did love require of me when I was young? And number three, what do I want love to feel like now? What do I want love to feel like now? You're listening to Catch Time with Kat. I'm Kat, and today we're talking about why we love the way we do and how understanding attachment can change everything. And if you have a question you'd like to ask anonymously, you can call or text 956-249-7930. Your attachment style can shift in different relationships. You might feel secure with friends and anxious in romance. You might feel avoidant with family and open with partners. That doesn't mean you're inconsistent. It just means that attachment is relational. And when we learn our patterns, we argue less and we argue less intensely. We listen more curiously. We can heal more and we can be more present with those we love because we realize, oh, this is just a learned habit. I can change it. Then you start to see that in the people you love too. They have their own attachment styles. So you can start taking that less personally as well. Like, oh, he's pulling away from me right now. And not that I need you to do this with every person in your life. Maybe it's the one or two or five top people in your life. Five max, that's a lot of people. So you could, let's say it's with your spouse, you can think, oh, that's their attachment style. And not that I need you to diagnose them or wag your finger or pathologize them, none of that. But just knowing what they've experienced will help put their actions in context and it helps you come from a more compassionate point of view, which in the end, don't we want that? Don't we want the people we love to see us with compassion and to us see the people we love with compassion? Last journal prompt. The part of my attachment style I want to meet with compassion. There's that word again. Darn it. The part of my attachment style I want to meet with compassion is, and then fill in that blank. No criticism, just curiosity. Today we learned attachment is adaptation, awareness creates choice, healing is relational, and learning how to love is something that we can do again. We can relearn how to be in relationships with people we love. Thank you for being here today, listener. Thanks for letting me into your hearts and your stories and your homes. And until next time, take good care of yourselves. Thank you for spending this time with me. If something from today's conversation resonated, or if you're in a season where support would help, visit me at gottheahollam.com. That's C-A-T-I-A-H-O-L-M.com. You can also leave an anonymous question for the show by calling or texting 956-249-7930. I'd love to hear what's on your heart. If Catch M with Cat has been meaningful to you, it would mean so much if you'd subscribe, rate, and leave a review. It helps others find us and it grows this community of care. And if you know someone who needs a little light right now, send them this episode. Remind them they're not alone. Until next time, be gentle with yourself. Keep showing up and know I'm right here with you.