Badass Thriving: Beyond Mind, Body & Plate

Episode 1: Becoming a Badass

• Caressa Dunphy

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🎙 Episode 1: Becoming a Badass
with your host, Caressa Dunphy

“I didn’t set out to become a badass—it was never on the roadmap. But after everything I’ve walked through? I’m claiming it.”

In this raw, vulnerable first episode, Caressa walks us through the very real story behind Badass Thriving—recorded outdoors in the woods, her place of healing and clarity.

From a childhood marked by emotional neglect and toxic family dynamics, to joining the military at 17, navigating motherhood, and clawing her way through higher education with nothing but grit and a vision—this is the unfiltered origin story of how one woman stopped shrinking to fit in and decided to own her story, her voice, and her power.

This episode is for the woman who's ever been told she's "too much"... and finally realizes that was her strength all along.

In this episode, Caressa shares:

  • How flow state, nature, and healing became her creative fuel
  • The moment she claimed the title “badass” after years of dimming her light
  • What it was like to walk away from her entire biological family
  • Her military journey, becoming a wife, a mom, and starting over
  • How she pursued higher education without debt, and what kept her going
  • The pain and freedom in finally setting boundaries that stick
  • Her mission to help other women thrive, especially those navigating trauma, identity loss, and reinvention

đź’Ą Key takeaway:
You don’t need permission to claim your power.
You don’t need a big moment.
Just the courage to say: “I’m done being small.”

đź“Ť Connect with Caressa:

🎧 Subscribe + Leave a review to help this message reach more badass women.

Caressa Dunphy:

Hello, my little badass. This is your host, Caressa Dunphy, and I am coming to you live from the woods. This is where I get a lot of my ideas when I'm moving in nature. I am in my, what they call flow state, which look it up the scientific term. It's not all woo woo and batshit crazy like there is actually. Some evidence of in fact, being in what we call flow state, which is things just come very organically and naturally. And so I thought, you know what? I am showing up in this space, trying my best to be authentic and genuine, and me sitting in front of a computer to record myself. It just. Doesn't feel natural to me, so I might throw in some music in the background, but you've got a chorus of birds to keep you company, keep me company while I hike. So this is the very first podcast episode of badass, thriving, and in fact. I had a different name all picked out and it just didn't feel right, so I pivoted. I claimed the name that I really, really, really wanted, the one that felt most aligned with the podcast here. And so I did pivot in the last minute and I changed it even after I had. Posted the trailer and everything. So for those folks who are just finding me, thank you for finding me. Thank you for being here. Thank you for subscribing, for commenting, just given the podcast, love is how it gets pushed out into the algorithm and more folks can find me. So appreciate any feedback and love and sharing that you can give us over here. So in this podcast, I'm gonna tell you. About me, about how I became a badass. I didn't set out to do it. It wasn't a destination on my roadmap. in fact, it was brought to my attention that the things that I had been through were quote, unquote, pretty badass. And it wasn't. Until someone sort of said that in that way that I was like, oh yeah, I guess. I guess that's a thing. I guess I am. And so I'm gonna fully step into that because I think as I have put out in the trailer, we are all little bad asses and we just don't like celebrate the accomplishments that we have been through, that we've accomplished, the things that we've endured, you know, the things that. We haven't really talked about out loud to a whole lot of folks, so. This is me claiming the title Badass, badass Leader. I don't know how you wanna anoint me, but I accept it. So without further ado, I am going to share my story. I am a relatively open book. There are things that I just might not go into crazy detail about, but I am happy to share, to answer questions if you have them to expand any topic further than what I am chatting about today. So again, this is a very. Safe and respectful space. And so I hope that you hold that space for me as I'm holding it for you as well. So I'm gonna take it all the way back to the very beginning of literally my conception. The story goes that I was despite three different contraceptions and I wanted to be born early. so my soul was very set on coming to this form. so despite. Those literal roadblocks, uh, to my conception and to my birthing. I entered the world as a premature baby, and so my maternal, biological, uh. A person in my life had to go on bedrest at three months of my pregnancy'cause she started going into labor. So she had to give up on her dreams of school. And I'll kind of circle back to that later, but that became a very sticky point in my life. And so my contraception. My, my conceive, my being born into this world, I had been told that I had not been planned and that I was not wanted, and I was quote unquote, a miracle still. but it was like this weird con negative connotation to me being alive. And as a very small child, I was constantly told how difficult of a child I was. I was constantly told I was stubborn. I was too much of a know-it-all. I was too bossy. I was this, I was that I was controlling, you know? And. As a 4-year-old, like your only vocabulary is that that feels icky inside, that feels like an owie. And so my 4-year-old self was like, ow, my 37-year-old self is like, fuck that. You know, like the vocabulary's expanded. But you know, it's very visceral feeling to be told You're too much, you're not wanted. And those two things shaped who I am today. So being told that I'm too stubborn, that I'm too much of a know-it-all, that I'm too controlling. Like if you flip those into ne, like from a negative connotation into a positive connotation, those are all excellent. Excellent traits of being a leader. And as a young kid, I remember being like the leader of the groups all the time. Little friend get togethers and whatnot. And so I've circled back after many years of departing from who I am because I made myself small to fit in because that was where I was accepted. That's where I was loved. And unfortunately I think that is. Barely common for a lot of strong-willed, quote unquote women, little girls, is that we play small in order to be accepted. And I had a happy childhood. You know, those first several years of my life were happy and joyous. It really didn't start to become issues until I was 12 and my biological family adopted a kid and then I became like the built-in nanny. we had a farm. I absolutely adore animals and. That's where I put a lot of my time and energy was out with the animals because that was where I was accepted. I was allowed to be me. I wasn't told to be small by these creatures that I cared for. So. I happily, you know, stepped into the role of caretaker for the animals, but then I became like the built-in farm hand all the time. And then I kind of grew resentful because of some of those issues. There was extreme responsibility that it takes to run a farm. And I loved my horses. I, I went riding as often as I possibly could. So my happy place is being outdoors, being in the woods, you know, and I'll circle back to that too. And so at about 12 years old, I stopped being really parented. I stopped being, nurtured in the way that my soul really needed it. I was homeschooled all 12 years and was only really socialized in church. So anytime the church doors were open, we were there. And that was the only space that I was allowed to really interact with hans, let alone hans my own. Age, and I would always find out, you know, a day late of what everybody had gone and done on Saturdays that were super fun because they all made those plans, you know, during the week when they had periods between classes at school, you know, that kind of stuff. So I was always forgotten. I was always left out and it just really made me feel very small, very Invisible really. And then, you know, it became like this new kid was in my life. I was happy to have a younger, kid, you know, so I wasn't the baby anymore, but. You know, it was about that time that I stopped being taught how school and academics all came together. you know, every kid is gonna struggle with algebra and you should be able to ask for help whether or not it's your, your teachers or, or other adults in your life, right? And I didn't have that. And so at. 12. I stopped really being taught academics and I remember just being so frustrated and just wanting to be in school and begging to go to high school and I was denied that and so again, just felt like I was shunted to the side. I was a very, Very curious kid. I would go to the library and I'd get like 17 books at a time, and the librarians all knew me and I'd spend hours there. And so at 16, I remember with whatever dinosaur, laptop and whatever digital homeschooling course I was fighting with, I was sitting in my. My room, I was 16 years old, just like, why can't I just go to school? Why is it such a struggle to learn? And I keep getting answers wrong, and I don't know why. I don't understand, and I want to understand, and I want to know why. And so at 16, sitting at that little teeny tiny antique writing desk, just almost in tears, I promised myself two things. I promised myself higher education and I promised myself and made a secret goal that I would get a doctorate. I was like, if we're aiming for the stars, we are aiming for the goddamn stars like I am shooting high. I am not afraid to dream that big. Now, the doctorate part in this moment today. The US is, you know, federal cuts and everything have severely impacted many different things, including research, including having funding for incoming doctoral students. So that dream is put on hold for now. It's not forever, it's just for now. And it's one of those, like, but I did the damn thing. I actually got in, I was accepted. I, I checked the box, I did the stuff on my side, right? So in a way, I did fulfill that dream already. It's not completed, but I am a doctorate student, right? And so. At 16, making that declaration was so like badass of me. And so what I then did was like, how can I reverse engineer how to go to school and not pay for it? I didn't have the funds, I didn't have any kind of family, support. And at 16 I found out that my older sibling. Was actually held back from graduating, and so they held me back another year so that I wouldn't graduate before him because they didn't want him to feel emasculated. And so that was also like this contention and sticky point for me because I'm like, you are making me so small, you know that I could fly so far if you just let me and. I just, I was not resentful, but there was definitely this like, oh, that was an owie again. Right. That terminology and vocabulary from when I was a small child and my older biological sibling and I had made plans for us to enlist in the military together. We were gonna do the buddy system through bootcamp. I took the ASVAB test and passed it on the first try. He took it three times and couldn't pass it, and so again, then it became this question of, am I gonna shrink myself to be even smaller so he doesn't feel bad? But this could impact any future dreams that I have of going to school because I can't pay for college and I don't wanna take out financial aid. I don't wanna start off with that kind of debt. And so I decided to continue on and to. To go into the military. So I enlisted at 17. I shipped out right after I turned 18 and I never looked back. There was one moment of doubt during bootcamp where I was like, I don't know that I wanna do this. And,'cause I got in trouble for smiling. I actually got written up by the company commanders for smiling and we all know company commanders are, you know. Just very strict and there's no joy in bootcamp. So, not the purpose and not the time. Right. But, uh, definitely. Yeah. So anyway, there was just that one brief moment of doubt and when a company commander whispered in my ear that she was gonna make it her mission for me to fail. I took that as a challenge. I was like, watch me, bitch. I will not fail. If anything, I'm going to thrive. And it was just this moment of audacity to be like, no, you will not make me fail. You will not make me small again. I will not go back. And so I graduated, I got. Stationed in Ohio on the Great Lakes with the Coast Guard, and I spent the next three years in search and rescue and law enforcement. I met my husband there. He was a state highway patrolman at the time, so we had mutual interest there with military and law enforcement. And we got married very quickly. We met, we got engaged three months later, six months after that we were married because I thought we were getting transferred. And I was like, the only way for him to come with me is to, you know, get married. So then that way all the benefits and everything are rolled over. So he left a federal job, sorry, he left a government job and I had a federal transfer, and so he. Was like, I'm done here. I don't wanna be in this anymore. He was a drill instructor, working two hours away. So we didn't see each other with my crazy schedule and his crazy schedule. And as a newlywed, you kind of wanna see your spouse once in a while. so I took a job change and I did an apprenticeship to become food service petty officer. So after I passed my test, They had already filled the billet that I had been filling in for on my off time. So I was given, a list of choices and I picked Oregon. So we have been here in Oregon for 16 years now, and I spent the next year and a half, enlisted out here. Working as a food service petty officer. learning, you know, the ins and the outs of the food service industry made my fair share of mistakes. Tried to learn from them. but that's where my interest of nutrition then sort of layered in on the exercise and the physical training that we were acquired. And I really enjoyed learning how to cook, but I also realized you can't please anybody when you have a boat crew of 50 some people, and everybody wants you to make it like grandma made it so comfort food. We're away from home. We just want what's familiar. But then also. Oh, we have to pass our PT test and our weigh-ins, and it's your food that's making us fat. And I'm like, I stacked the salad bar. Bitches like, don't come at me. And so, you know, there was just like this, like, okay, I'm ready to move on and be done. I planned, my husband and I planned to have a baby. So I went on maternity leave and by the time I needed to come back, my contract had expired and so, you know, then I became a civilian again and a new mom in my early twenties and was then like. Wow, this is what it's like to be back out. I don't have, you know, higher power, AKA, the military telling me what to do. I have autonomy again. I can live my best life or so I thought. my oldest son got badly hurt when he was two and he ended up, needing lots of care and nurturing. And so I took time off, from the school that I had just started. And then it also became evident that I had a lot of shit in the background with my biological family, sort of creeping through. So I was, you know, trying to navigate a, a lot in my early twenties. I was very tultuous, I guess is the right word. couldn't really tell which way the wind was blowing some days. They moved here for a little bit and it was just awful, and it was sort of the beginning of the end. And then when I, uh, had taken several classes at the community college and we decided to have another baby, I finished my trigonometry final, being almost nine months pregnant, got on a plane, got back to the biological family, and just more. Stuff was just happening because my grandma was ill, and there was just a lot sort of coming more and more to the surface, trying to navigate, trying to make, uh, amends, trying to set boundaries with the biological family. And it just, my, my boundaries were not respected. no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't please them. And it became very evident that I was putting the blame on myself, trying to smooth everything out and not ruffle any feathers. And I was like, this is just feels icky to me. It feels gross to be. Taking the blame when I know full well I'm not the one responsible for this abuse. And I finally started to like, realize this. so I had our second kid. I stayed home with him for two years from, so I didn't go back to school. but I was feeling that ticking time clock of. I have to use my GI benefits from my military experience, you know, in a certain amount of time because they expire. Most people don't realize that, and I was like, oh my gosh, I can't take any more time off. I have to get back to school. I want to get back to school. I kinda left it where I had finished my math and my writing and now needed to go into all the sciences, which I had never taken science class before, and so it was a lot of work to get back into. You know, school, but right before I went back into school was when my grandmother passed and my youngest son and I flew back for the funeral and that was the absolute shit show that showed me. This is just gotta stop. It's, it can't go on anymore. boundaries were not respected again. And it was blamed on me when I had very, uh, I drew the line in the sand. I was like, I, I'm not doing this. I'm not, I'm not going to back down and. It became very evident to me when, on this last phone call that I had with my biological family, just how abusive it was. And I do use that word intentionally. I don't use it, uh, lightly. my best friend was standing right there and heard the entire exchange'cause it was so loud. We were standing outside a restaurant ready to go in and have lunch, and I was just being reprimanded for being han and for setting respectful boundaries, for saying no, you know, to not being allowed, not letting myself get bullied. And then I just remember it was like the vole turned up to just. So loud that you just can't even register it anymore, and I didn't have the vocabulary for a very long time, but I disassociated, I disassociated from this barrage of verbal abuse because I just couldn't, I couldn't handle it anymore. And so we're standing on the sidewalk and we're, I'm looking across the street and I just like very clearly zoned in on this really beautiful bridal shop that was across the street and it had a big window with a really gorgeous dress displayed. And I remember thinking it and feeling it in my core that. The bride who wears that is going to have such a happy life. And I felt the happiness was still possible. It was such an interesting epiphany because I was like, this is no longer for me. Happiness is still available and I have to choose it right now. And so all of a sudden the vole is back full blast and I'm hearing everything and. Just being berated up one side and down the other basically. I just remember having this resolution in my soul that when I said goodbye, it was goodbye forever, and I was 1000% okay with that decision. I knew in my heart I had tried. I had tried and I had tried. I had. Communicated boundaries. I had set boundaries. I had just done the things to make it work, and I was like, I deserve happiness. And so I do not speak to my biological family. they have tried several times to reach out. And when I turned 30, uh, the next year was when a lot of this emailing started happening of really, how awful of a han can you be to do this to your mother? Sort of a tone of, you didn't call her on Mother's Day, you didn't send a card, blah, blah, blah, blah. It was my 30th birthday on Mother's Day that year, and I had. Sat in the aisle at the store and looked at all the greeting cards for Mother's Day, and I remember holding them in my hands and just being like, I can't send this because she is not the world's greatest mother. That implies love and nurturing respect. It implies a healthy relationship. And if I send this, it's a lie.'cause I don't mean any of this. I don't. I, I can't. And so what I had done was send artwork from my kids who loved drawing. At the time, they were coloring every piece of paper they could get their hands on, and the emails that followed, I just, I got them right before I had to drop my kids off to school, and I had to hold it together. I had to hold it together and not have a massive breakdown in front of my kids. Because I couldn't even explain it. They wouldn't understand, you know, and so I shoved it back in and after I dropped off the kids, I went to the, the gym and sat in the parking lot and just broke down. And I just, I had two, I think two days in a row like that where I woke up both days to horrific emails and I was like, this. This is not how you treat people. Just further evidence of this relationship is so abusive and dysfunctional, and I'm not here for that. I can't. So I did not reply because I realized no reply is a reply, and it is a very powerful one. And so that is what I chose. I chose silence because you cannot misinterpret silence. There is no wordsmithing and twisting words, and you know, verbally extricating anything extra from. What's not said, right? I gave a reply and this was my reply, and this is now my boundary. I broken that once to say, if you contact me, I will pursue legal action because this is, and I didn't give a reason. That was it. I was like, I do not want you to ever contact my family. And now by family definition to me is my husband and my kids. So if I ever reference family, that is who I reference, my biological genetic donors are not in my life. And so by cutting them out, I cut out all siblings, all cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, because I was not close to any of them. And I realized that. Trying to maintain partial relationships with people still meant that I was deluding myself to fit in, to be accepted because I didn't want to give detail into my life. That would be shared with my biological family because that was just further ammo that they could use. And I mean, I didn't grow up with being close to anybody. Like we didn't have cousins that were like siblings. I wasn't at my grandparents that often. the only grandparent that I was really close to was the one that died, and I'd only gotten close to her when I was about 14, 15, because we didn't talk to that whole side of the family for years. And so for me it wasn't. More insult to injury. It was a clean break and it was, I kind of coined the term, it was like pruning the family tree so that I could move forward with intention with the people that I have cultivated to be in my life. Because you become like the company that you keep. And I realized, you know, being that strong. Tenacious person. And I did flip being, you know, stubborn and, you know, a know it all and all those things into more positive terms because I do feel like they're beautiful terms that every woman should, not, should, but can embrace, in a negative way to become a leader, sorry, in a positive way to become a leader. I'm walking up a hill, so, you know, gimme a break. And so I have moved forward with intention of, I am now going to be extremely selective with the people that I choose to be close to. I need folks that are going to be nurturing and supportive and understand boundaries and respect. And so being disrespected is one of my biggest triggers. You know, and there's always room for conversation and communication. But if no change is implemented to navigate said boundaries, we have a major problem with our relationship and that's what happened. And so. That that was really, really tough time for me of, I was back in school at this time. I actually had a meeting with my instructor and I had to reschedule because I'm a puddle of tears in the car at the gym, and it further pushed me into academia'cause it just. Really made me, you know, latch on even further to the goals and dreams that I had set for myself. And now it was a goal of. I will pursue my education around raising my family, and it will not be my excuse because that had been something that had been held over my head my entire childhood, was that the maternal biologic had to drop out of school because she was on bedrest with me and she resented me for it, even though she always tried to like twist it around into, oh, but you're such a miracle. You were so worth it. It was just. There was a different message actually being said, and I picked up on it, funny enough. very intuitive. I got the message. Thanks very much. Not wanted, and I'm too much. great. That's great. Way to raise your child. you know, and when I was going to school after all of this, I was in the science for the first time and I had to. Dig in, hard to learn material that many people had learned at some point in high school. And so I was really learning it from the word go and it was really hard for me. So I spent a lot of time, I. Advocating for myself to work with the instructors, and I got tutors and, you know, I was like, there's always a smarter person out there who can teach this to me. and so I worked really, really, really hard. Uh, this was at the community college. I ended up earning an associate's degree just by trying to fulfill the prerequisites for, What I had hoped to be, either nutrition or kinesiology, exercise, physiology, that side of things. And at some point I had to make a decision, had to make a decision which way I was gonna go, because those classes overlap to a point. And I just remember my instructor at the time just saying. Caressa, you are smart enough to go for the degree that you are most scared to pursue. You are gonna do amazing things, basically, is what he was saying. And that was the first time I had ever had an academic tell me I had potential. And that I was smart and that I was intelligent, and I had the grit to make it happen, and I believed him, right? I was like, okay, I, I'm gonna believe him. I'm going to take his kind words, and I am going to believe in myself and take it from here. And that's what I've done. I am so grateful. Uh, to that person for his kind words, truly meant a lot. And I finished my associates in the middle of a pandemic. I graduated full cap and gown on Zoom at my dining room table. and so it was a kind of a down, because I didn't have a high school graduation. I had my military bootcamp, uh, graduation, but I didn't get to really. Have the whole walk across the stage. Congratulations, Caressa Dunphy, you've graduated. Right? so that was a bit of a letdown. Uh, but during the pandemic, I. Had just previously in that term, a winter term, started commuting out to the university an hour away to take chemistry classes. And so I finished that term the very last week of that term being told, do not come back to class. Do not come back to campus. The final is available if you'd like to take it. It will only help you improve your grade. It won't, you know, make you plmet by any, any means.'Cause this is all of a sudden just we're having to pivot very quickly because of COVID-19 being a global pandemic. And I had worked so hard that term in chemistry, I started going to what they called the mole hole. Because if you're in chemistry, the units. Are moles. And so they were very hilarious in naming their little tutor spot that, but I got to know the instructor. So again, just building that rapport with my teachers and I would do my homework while he had all these other students that he was helping. And so I built that connection with him. And even two years later I ran into him and he was like, oh my gosh, I remember you, you always sat in the front. And I was like, yeah. And so when. The pandemic hit. We were all advised to shelter in place for 16 weeks, or sorry, six weeks shelter in place for six weeks, and I decided I'm not taking six weeks off. I am going to take whatever classes they are going to offer remotely because if I'm not commuting, I'm saving two hours of my time commuting and I might as well just pack on the classes and. So I decided to do that and that was my next chemistry class and statistics and those kinds of classes. And those were my CO as I got B's in those classes. And I was not okay, but I got, I call'em my CO ass'cause it was very stressful. and I was also homeschooling my children. So all of a sudden I had my two kids home and. One of'em is in preschool. One of'em was in third grade, and it was like, oh shit. They need to be nurtured. They need education. They need to still feel like they have some kind of structure in their day. I. And so I truly blocked a lot of it out because it was so stressful. But we sh, we sheltered in place. We quarantined for 14 months. at some point my oldest son begged to go be back in person, even though he had to wear a mask. you know, it was just, it was difficult, uh, for everybody involved. fortunate enough we didn't, you know, get very ill with it. but it was, you know, one of those moments of truly digging in and finding that badass attitude of, I'm not gonna give up, I'm not gonna put my education on hold again. I can't, I have my GI benefits I need to use up, and also I, I need this for me and I. I graduated, in 2023 with an undergrad degree in nutrition, so bachelor's of science in nutrition that's specific towards the field of dietetics. I also had finished a chemistry minor. I'd added another class or two to finish what my minim requirements were. And then I got an exercise physiology minor as well. because. I realized you sort of open doors more doors than you think you do when you get through all the anatomy and physiology, the chemistry classes. And then it's just sort of this, oh, I could add this and I could add this, and it's only a couple more classes, so it's really not that big of a reach, and it was a great way to combine both. Topics of interest of nutrition and exercise physiology in a way that felt really aligned with what I wanted. And then I went into a master's program at the same university. I was lucky enough to be chosen from, uh, all the applicants across nationwide for the dietetic program. They only took 12 and was really grateful that I didn't. Uh, get left out of that application. just because there was no other colleges or universities close to me that offered this program and I wasn't going to move. I had contingency plans in place and was set to accept if I had been denied. Uh. This, uh, Oregon State University spot, and I was very proud of myself. I got into Johns Hopkins. I got into Case Western Reserve University. Both of those were online programs. That were aligned towards healthcare administration. And it wasn't my first choice, but like I said, I didn't wanna move my family. And so those were my backup, backup plans. And then I got into all three of the places and had to make a decision. But, it really wasn't that big of a decision. It was like, okay, let's just do this. Let's do the dietetic route as well. it just keeps leading me towards. Becoming a dietitian, which I see is really my true passion. Fitness is as well, exercise, is very important to me and my wellbeing, my mental health, all of those things. So it was challenging this last two years for the Masters. I was commuting all these years, uh, except for the time home for the pandemic, out to the university and. Not that big of a deal, truly, but again, it's time away from family. It's time doing homework, all those kinds of things, and really prioritizing. This is what I have to say yes to, and I have to say no to everything else that doesn't align. I have to stay focused, and the last year of my master's, which I just graduated a couple weeks ago, was dedicated to just my internship. And my internship was 10 different rotations across nine months that explored all the different areas that a dietitian could be in. I did fill out topics that were more interesting to me than others and, but it was like learning a new job every five weeks. So it was challenging in the way that just when you feel like you're getting proficient, they're like, okay. Well it was great knowing you. Good luck on your next one. I really. Enjoyed being in the hospital, doing the inpatient clinical side of things. that was my favorite. And what I do hope to go into if there are positions that open up soon. my follow up interest, of course, is sports and also being a celiac and lactose intolerant person myself. How helping people sort of navigate. there are different food sort of issues, like in weight loss and at some point I'd love to dig more into women's hormonal health and understand really fine tune how to help women in perimenopause, menopause and post menopause. but going back to the internship itself. It was along with bootcamp and along with walking away from a very toxic relationship, top three most difficult things I've ever done in my life. I, during the six months of my rotation, that required me to be. In person was when I and my husband decided to move our camping trailer into, uh, a space, so that I could, didn't have to commute, which would be three hours a day on top of a 10 hour work shift. And it was so hard. It was so excruciating to be. Away from my family, away from my husband and my kids not to be a part of their day to day. I had been the primary P parent and then having to take that step back and my husband take over being the primary parent while he also has his own business. I mean, it was so difficult every Sunday when I would get in that car and I would drive away. I mean, there were times I was just bawling and just the loneliness was. Just excruciating, like I said, and I took that time to really do a lot of internal work. a few years ago during the pandemic, I had someone that I trusted. he betrayed my trust and it broke. It broke open. Some wounds that I hadn't realized I had just let scab over. I didn't actually address those wounds with all my biological family issues and stuff. Uh, so it was still just like this massive festering sore. And I don't mean to get really nasty and gross, but uh, it's the analogy I came up with on the fly. It was just awful to. Relive some of that, uh, familiar traa and being disrespect, disrespected and lied to and manipulated. And I've spent a lot of time, I trying to understand how these two issues with my biological family and this person, affected me and when it happened, I just remember. Being so surprised. but also I didn't know what to do with all this anger and this hurt, and I ended up hiking and loving hiking a lot because I returned to nature. I returned to the woods. I returned back to what it felt like to be. In connection with my soul, my intuition saved me, and I'm not gonna go into any more of that, but it was, could have been a very dangerous position. and if I had ignored that whisper of a voice that told me this is, this is not okay, there's danger here. I don't know where it could have led, and I'm not gonna speculate, but it was not going in a great. Direction. and so, you know, hiking was the therapy where I could. Rant and rave and talk out loud, and the trees weren't gonna judge me. The little squirrels and the chipmunks were going to judge me. The movement of just walking in nature soothed me, and it was the first time in six or seven years that I cried. I mean, I don't think I had cried since that moment in the parking lot when I just disintegrated basically, and I didn't realize I had put so much. Yeah. Uh, emotions behind a huge barricade. And it was like, it was finally, like the dam had just been let loose and freed, and I could finally feel what I had to feel, and I didn't have to apologize. I didn't have to dim myself. I didn't have to dilute myself. I didn't have to be small anymore. I mean, there was 30 plus years. Of pent up emotions, and it was shocking to me that I hadn't realized it, but I had to explore it with curiosity and not judgment, and I had to give myself the grace because I knew in my soul that I had tried my best in both of these things that had happened, both of these events that had affected me. I knew in my soul I had tried my best to set boundaries. I had tried my best to have a respectful relationship. I had tried my best to be authentic, but I couldn't. I was still being held back, even though I was still trying. Right. And it's been a lot of work these last several years, and I'm grateful that the recent event happened because I probably wouldn't have done the work that deep internal work that nobody wants to do that avoids at all costs. I finally sat with it. I finally sat with it and I finally was like, all right, there is some, some lessons here to be learned. There is some work here to be done. There was. There's going to be things that trigger me that will come up in the moment. So making an awareness, uh, my daily practice. And, and recognizing when it's happening. and it will be my life work, it will be my life work to reprogram those voices in my head that told me I was too much, I was not the right amount of this or that, that I wasn't wanted. There is almost a daily struggle of people pleasing, of perfectionism to be accepted. And to recognize it more and more. Again, it's just that building an awareness and exploring it with curiosity and non nonjudgmental way. Because if you sit here and shame yourself, that's even worse. Right. I am very fortunate to have my best friend who I've known since we were eight. As one of my cheerleaders, I have several other friends that I am close to who hold the space for me. And so I realized you don't need a gigantic community. You just need a small circle of people that you can trust, who will hold space, who will allow you to dissolve and into nothing if you need it. will hold you up when you're crbling. You know, I'm a strong person, but like. I need people too. I need people who are. Aligned with me on that soul level, and I don't call God by God anymore. that's just the religious upbringing. And, uh, what, what's the word I'm looking for? The religious, uh, programming that I endured as a young child, but now it's, I call. It universe. Universe is a she, because the women that we are are bad asses and we are the nurturers. We are the ones that give life. So it only makes sense in my mind to call. The being the entity, the deity that's out there, universe that feels wholesome to me. you can name her whatever you would like that feels most aligned with who you are, and that is okay. Uh, but it is finding my way through this time and space as a very flawed han doing my damn best. If I stble and fall and totally fuck up, I try so hard to own it, to make things right, but I am done. People pleasing. I'm done apologizing for who I am. I am done minimizing my power. I'm done making myself smaller to fit into a box that I didn't even belong in. the biggest epiphany I had was realizing the box that I had been put in all these years didn't have a lid on it, and I could get out of the damn box, I could leave it. That's okay. You know, they can keep me in the box. They need to put me in and they can have that for themselves. But I don't belong to in that box. I don't deserve to be small. And so here today. Walking in these woods talking to you, the sun has just come out, has been foggy all day, and it just feels like for the first time in my life, starting this podcast, putting it out into the universe was so scary. It feels very vulnerable, but I believe that there is so much power in sharing our stories. I've had a couple of people that I have shared parts of my stories with, and they in their way have come back over time and said, Carissa, I knew I could get over and through my own issues because you shared your story. And because I knew you made it through, I could make it through, and that was the answer that I had been asked looking for when I had been asking why did I have to go through that. I went through it alone. I didn't have anybody else for reference. I didn't have anybody else that had to do such a drastic thing like I have had to do by walking away from every family member I've ever known. And so that was my answer. Sharing my story is powerful. It is reclaiming my power. It is reclaiming my voice. It is sharing it intentionally in a way that feels wholesome to me. And I think that is one of the most badass things that we can do, so that we can come together as a community and we can. Hold space for each other and support each other and say, Hey sister, I see you. It's okay. We're here for you. So thank you for being here. Thank you for listening, and I will talk to you all very soon. All my love you little bad asses. Now go out there and crush it.