The Outfit That Triggered My Old Scars (And How I Took My Power Back)

What happens when a simple outfit sends your nervous system into overdrive?

This week, I’m sharing a raw, unexpected story from my own life:

one that took me right back to the scars left by a controlling, toxic relationship… even though it’s been over a decade since anyone told me what I “wasn’t allowed” to wear.

Inside this episode:

• The hidden ways trauma lives in your body long after the relationship ends
• How old patterns can sneak back in when you least expect it
• The exact self-talk and movement technique I use (and teach my clients) to rewire my beliefs on the spot
• Why healing isn’t about “getting over it” — it’s about building the skills to handle triggers without losing yourself
• The hilarious but powerful reminder from my partner that showed me just how far I’ve come

If you’ve ever been told you’re “too much,” “too old,” “too big,” or “not allowed” ... this one’s for you.

Because the real work isn’t just wearing the outfit.

 It’s reclaiming the part of you that knows you’re allowed to be exactly who you are.

💌 Want my free newsletter for weekly stories & tips on dating after toxic relationships? Email me at sam@thesammorris.com to get on the list.

Takeaways

The scars in our nervous system can affect our self-image.
Past relationships can create lasting fears about self-expression.
Reclaiming control over how we present ourselves is crucial.
Positive self-talk can help change negative beliefs.
Movement can enhance the effectiveness of self-affirmations.
Social interactions can trigger old insecurities.
Healing from trauma is essential before entering new relationships.
Self-acceptance is key to attracting the right partners.
You are not defined by others' opinions of you.
Finding love requires knowing and loving yourself first.

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Transcript

This week, this episode is all about the scars within our nervous system that we carry without even realising. And exactly what happened to me this week because of those scars.


For those of you that don't know me, I'm Sam Morris. I am the host of Whatever Happened to the Gentleman podcast. The podcast for single men and women who have been going through the same relationship cycles and are tired of it. Now let's get to the episode. So I went to a festival. no.

Sunday.


I haven't been to a festival for many many years actually. The last time I went to a festival was V Festival which was actually the last...


which was actually the last ever V Festival, which was awesome by the way. But anyway, I went to a festival and what happened before I went to the festival kind of shocked me a little bit. So I put on an outfit, festival-y outfit. I'd been on Pinterest looking for what mums wear to festivals nowadays.

and I'd got my outfit, you know, just shorts and a lovely see through top.


and it sent me and my nervous system into overdrive it sent me into a bit of a panic like actual fear


I was convinced that I actually needed to go and change. I was looking at myself in the mirror and I'm coming up with all these reasons why I shouldn't wear what I'm wearing. You're too old, you're too big.

you're not allowed and I realised that this was just my nervous system this was my subconscious as well kind of playing tricks on me and it's so bizarre because it's been

maybe 13 years since the last time someone told me what I was allowed to wear.

But when you've been through that and anyone that's listening to this that has been in a relationship where someone will come up with reasons of why you can't wear certain things so you... who are you wearing that for?


that's the most common one because you're not wearing it for me because you're going out that's too short people don't dress that way women don't dress that way you look like a slut whatever it is and anyone that has experienced that will understand exactly what I'm saying right now and I heard that and

you know, there was an occasion where there was a hole made in the wardrobe door because of a dress that I was wearing to go to work in.


And that sits in your body, that fear. Because it is a fear. There doesn't have to be physical violence for you to be scared of someone. Someone can use their words enough to make you scared. And what happens when we're scared and anyone that's been in like any sort of life-threatening situation, you all know that your body takes over. Your body goes into fight, flight or freeze.

that sits in your body and that is exactly what happened to me. I looked at my outfit and I was just like this is not something that I would have been allowed to wear. And so I had to give myself a talk into basically.


Because I have done the work, I've healed my nervous system, I started to sense that danger and I can sense when it's coming. When I say about danger, danger in this sense, it's your mindset danger, it's not physical danger.

into trouble with anyone else, it is actually just your mind and your subconscious and your nervous system hammering you. And it would have been easier for me to change, for me to go put some jeans on, to put a nice t-shirt on, but that part, doing that is dangerous for me.

because that means that I'm still allowing somebody else to control who I am. And so what I did was I stood up, I did a little dance in the mirror and I said a little sentence to myself. The reason that I did a dance is I've been getting a lot of my clients to do this recently where...

I get them to say certain things about themselves whilst they're doing movement and the reason is because there's been a lot of research and I don't want to bore you with you know textbooks, textbooks, textbooks but there's a lot of research into how moving whilst doing self-talk which is you know talking to yourself, making yourself feel better

changes your patterns, changes your beliefs a lot easier than if you are not moving. So this could be whatever you want it to be like for me I just did a little dance, a little movement and


fantastic but this could be you squatting and saying it this could be you going for a swim and obviously saying it in your head whatever it is actually that movement part makes it happen quicker than if you were just doing the talking to yourself part and so what I said to myself is you are beautiful

You are in control. You don't live that life anymore. You get to be who you want to be and that's just the way it is.


If you want to write that sentence down, well it's couple of sentences down, for you to be able to repeat, whenever something comes up for you that you're like, I shouldn't be doing this, and it's based on a belief that somebody else created within you, you are beautiful, you are in control, you don't live that life anymore, you get to be who you want to be, and that's just the way it is.

repeat it, move around, say it as many times as you can because eventually it will start infiltrating those beliefs that you already have and start to change them. And it's so funny because this whole thing, it did affect me because afterwards...

I went off, I went to my local petrol station where I go quite regularly to fill up and the guy behind the counter, because I was buying bottles of water and the guy behind the counter said well you know it is quite hot today and he was making reference to my outfit. The funny part is that I found myself explaining.

which is something that I used to do all the time and now don't tend to do it. So I was like, yeah, I'm going to a festival today. That's why I'm dressed like this. Did he need that explanation? Absolutely not. Did he deserve that explanation? Absolutely not. And the funniest part of that is, and I don't know if you've ever heard me talk about this, about my longest running client.

is my daughter, my 16 year old daughter who doesn't take crap from anyone. Like literally, you know, she had a boy, she's spoken to boys before and then realised, they're talking to another girl and she's like, no, you're done, bye. She's very much like an evolved, an evolved version of me, of what I should have been like, a very healed.

version that she's wonderful. Anyway, I got in the car and I said to her what had happened in the petrol station and she was like, why did you give him an explanation? And it was only then when I was like, why did I give him an explanation?


But this is what happened. When you have been put down by other people for... it doesn't even need to be that long of a period of time because you hear it enough times. You hear it once and it takes a strong person to be like, meh. They don't matter. You hear it again and again and again. It becomes part of who you are.

it's ridiculous but that is the truth if you are told over and over again you are stupid you start to believe you are stupid you start to give talks you know like you talk about yourself like you know I don't really know that much so

And I've seen people do it in meetings and certainly my clients, I call my clients out on it a lot where I will say, can we just talk about the language that you used about yourself because it wasn't good and there's enough people out there that will be putting you down. There's enough people out there to talk negatively about you without you doing it to yourself.

and so

My Daughter called me out on it.


And then it kind of put me into this dilemma of I actually then wanted to go back in and be like, don't know why I give you an explanation. Obviously I didn't do that because that's just over the top. But this just shows you how prominent this work is. As I said, this is been years and years and years since anyone commented on.

anything I wear or my appearance because I don't allow people into my life that comment on the way that I look.

People that do it on the internet, you know, I've had it on YouTube, I've had it on Instagram, I delete them, I block them. Because I don't allow that into my life. But still, despite all of the things that I've done, and the daily practices that I do every single day of telling myself how wonderful I am, that outfit sent my nervous system into overdrive.

So if you're listening to this and thinking that you're just going to get over it without doing anything to help that without building the skills to learn how to get over it.

hate to be that person but it's not going to happen. If you have been through trauma, you've been through a toxic relationship, abuse, if you've been rejected and you haven't learnt how to get over those things and you haven't learnt how to talk nicely to yourself, how to tell yourself that they're the problem, you're not the problem.


then you aren't ready to be dating, you aren't ready for a relationship because that is what you need to be working on because other humans are unpredictable and you need to learn how to deal with those things and for those that are wondering because I put this out into my newsletter and if you do not get my newsletter then send me an email, I'll add you on

put this in my newsletter that I...


would let you all know what Alan's response to my outfit was and he's probably going to kill me when he listens to this because he listens to every episode. He looked at me and he said, nice boobs and then walked away. So the contrast between healing your nervous system and finding a relationship and a love that is actually aligned with who you are.

and what you want out of life compared to all my previous relationships is huge. That's what happens. You start to attract the right people into your life when you start saying this is who I am and if you don't like it that's your problem not mine. So that is all for this week. Make sure that you


Make sure that you are subscribing to the podcast so that you get updates every single time I update this. I will speak to you next week. I am Sam Morris and this is whatever happened to the gentleman. Dating is tough. Finding love doesn't have to be. But you can't attract the right person to you until you know who you are. Thank you for listening.

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