The Hidden Red Flags You’re Probably Missing on the First Few Dates

Ever wondered “Why do I keep falling for the wrong people?” or “How did I miss the signs again?”

In this episode, dating & relationship coach Sam Morris reveals the 5 hidden red flags most people overlook in the early stages of dating. From inconsistent communication to oversharing, subtle boundary pushes, and future-faking, you’ll learn how your nervous system tricks you into mistaking chaos for chemistry.

Sam shares personal stories, client insights, and practical tips so you can finally spot the patterns, listen to your body, and attract the safe, aligned love you deserve.

🔔 Subscribe for more on dating, relationships, self-love, and nervous system healing.
 📌 Ready to go deeper? Join the priority list for Sam’s group program and start rewiring your patterns today.

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Transcript

So let's just picture this. You're on a date, they're charming, they're funny, maybe even ticking some of those boxes that you, you know, really would like to be ticked.

Sam Morris (00:31.042)
But then a few weeks later, you're sat there thinking, how did I miss that? How did I end up here again?

Today I am pulling back the curtain on the red flag that almost everyone misses within the first few dates, the first few interactions. These are the ones that cost you months, sometimes years of your life. For those of you that don't know me,

I'm Sam Morris and I have spent the past 11 years helping single men and women break free from toxic cycles and finally find the healthy love that they deserve. This is my podcast where I talk about love, dating, changing behaviours and manifesting the life that you want and everything in between. So...

Let's get to the episode. A question that I am often asked is why do I miss the red flags? Why do I fall for the wrong person? Or in hindsight, why didn't I know? And the truth is...

Most people have been hurt before. It's very rare to find a human that hasn't experienced some sort of hurt in their life, right? And some people have experienced more than others. Sometimes as a child or from romantic relationships as an adult.

Sam Morris (02:18.902)
And what happens when we experience that hurt is we learn ways to protect ourselves.

And this is really where the nervous system comes in. Our nervous system, you hear me talk about the nervous system all the time, controls everything that we do. It consists of the brain, the spinal cord, the sensory organs and nerves and it controls everything we do.

What the nervous system does when we're talking about love is it remembers what has happened before and thinks that those things, those traits, those habits are safe. Which is really great for healthy habits like your morning routine. It makes your life a lot easier actually.

But when it remembers a certain trait of a person or a behaviour, even a look that is familiar and misinterprets that person as being safe for you...

Sam Morris (03:29.91)
that's where it can get really confusing and really complicated. It does explain why you will keep being attracted to the same kinds of person if you don't fix this. So the simplest way to explain this is think about your morning routine, think about when you brush your teeth within that routine. So I do mine as soon as I wake up. Now try to picture yourself

brushing those teeth at a different time. Feels weird, right? Charlie, I'm recording!

Sam Morris (04:19.416)
feels weird and yucky, right? You might have even pulled an involuntary face. You might have even involuntary pulled a face at the thought of doing your teeth at a different time to what's in your routine.

Sam Morris (04:37.622)
And that is exactly what happens when someone who is the opposite of what you have dated before tries to approach you where you are like, no thank you.

does that make sense? And so this familiarity from the nervous system makes us miss things, miss things that in hindsight we should have known and I've been sharing on Instagram a couple of the red flags that I've missed over my life and

Some of them.

I even say that I missed them. I would say that I was downright delusional to think that this wasn't a problem. If you haven't seen some of these videos, head over to my Instagram. I'm at the Sam Morris C

One of the red flags that I missed that I didn't talk about was the guy that I dated that had moved three doors down from his ex-girlfriend on purpose. Now in hindsight, alarm bell should have been ringing at that, right? He chose to rent a house three doors away from his ex-partner.

Sam Morris (05:59.373)
It doesn't take a genius to work out that, you know, clearly there is still some connection there.

Sam Morris (06:08.91)
But no, not me. I didn't realise. And it wasn't until I had healed my nervous system that I started to see these patterns, the patterns of the people that I was with, like the traits that they had, the behaviours that they had. And that might be the thing for you. So here are five red flags that you may have possibly missed because most people do.

inconsistent communication. This one is often difficult to spot because of the effect it has on our hormones. When someone shows us a bit of attention we get excited which gives us a miniature dopamine hit which is like a natural high that can be gotten from doing things that you enjoy.

And then when that person withdraws, stop texting you, they stop communicating slightly, you start to crave that feeling.

Sam Morris (07:12.622)
And the reason that this red flag is often missed is because most people confuse missing the feeling with missing the person. But it's actually you miss the feeling that that person gives you, that excitement that you get, it's not anything to actually do with them.

Sam Morris (07:36.238)
And so then our nervous system...

Sam Morris (07:46.221)
So then the nervous system tricks you into thinking that you like that person more than you actually do because of that excitement. And so a situation where this might happen is where they may text you loads in one day constantly and then take a whole day to reply the next day.

And yes I do get that they might be genuinely busy, but if they are going to be busy they should communicate that with you beforehand, not after the fact, not after you've said, you've not messaged me all day, that's weird.

Because this type of behaviour demonstrates that they aren't actually emotionally secure enough to be in a relationship in the first place. If they cannot communicate that they're busy or if they need to play games with you where they're really intense one minute and not intense the next, they aren't the person for you anyway.

Sam Morris (08:52.974)
Number two of red flags that people often miss is oversharing. So I want you to think about when you first meet someone, do you tell them your whole life story? Probably not.

You think about how many times you've listened to me on this podcast. Do you know my whole life story? No, because I haven't shared it.

Sam Morris (09:23.938)
I shed bits of it.

little snippets but I haven't told you from start to finish. When you meet someone for the first time do you tell them your parent was maybe emotionally abusive or that your last partner cheated on you? Quite unlikely, right? But often we meet new people and they tell us everything.

and all of a sudden it actually becomes our burden to hold, our problem to make them feel better. And it isn't our problem.

In a partnership, yes, you do support one another, but when people overshare so early on into a relationship, it actually changes the balance of that relationship from the beginning. It sets the relationship up for you to be a constant support network for someone who doesn't actually show you the same effort. And most people don't see that because...

They think, as I once did, that's cute that they're being vulnerable, they're sharing about their hurts, their pains. And if it's your first few meetings, this isn't cute.

Sam Morris (10:50.382)
This is them putting ownership on you, that it's now your responsibility to sort them out. And I know that that sounds harsh, but that is the truth.

That is what I have seen working with hundreds of people who have committed domestic violence offences.

Sam Morris (11:14.72)
And I don't talk about this often enough, about my experience of actually working with the people that have committed these offences, committed controlling behaviour, coercive behaviour. Because it's not a nice subject to talk about, but this is the truth. That it starts as a manipulation of you are now in control of their emotions.

because they put that on you very early on.

Sam Morris (11:50.923)
And just to prove this point, can you guess roughly how many sessions I have with a client before I get to the true depth of what their pain is, what their beliefs are? Have a guess. I will tell you at the end of the episode. The third hidden red flag that most people miss is

subtle little boundary pushes. So it could be that you say, I need to go home because I've got work tomorrow and they say come on, don't be boring, have one more drink. It could be them inviting themselves along to something that you were never actually going to invite them to. This one happens a lot where they'll ask, what's your plans? I'm going out with my friend and they're like, I'll come.

and in your head you instantly think that wasn't an invitation but we're all you know as humans we find it really hard to then turn around and say no because it's deemed as rude

Sam Morris (13:09.952)
and most people, because they don't want to be rude, then find themselves letting their boundaries be pushed just a little bit. And it is so easy to fall into because it happens so quick that you don't get the chance to think about it. Normally these boundary pushes are super quick where you haven't had time to reflect.

So you haven't had time to think, actually that isn't what I want, or actually that was a boundary push. It's only afterwards and then normally what will happen is people will then try and convince themselves, they're overreacting.

Sam Morris (13:59.017)
If this happens to you, just remember that it isn't actually rude to have your boundaries and if someone can't accept them, they aren't worth your time anyway. That is the truth.

The fourth hidden red flag that most people miss is speediness. Now I'm all for thinking about the future, I'm all for imagining the future and how great it will be, you know that. But let's just think about it, if you started a new job and on the first day your manager is saying to you how one day you're going to have their job, you're going to be running this company, how would that make you feel?

bit weird, a un-prehensive, a bit like, I don't know whether I want to be here in 20 years. Right?

Sam Morris (14:58.39)
What happens is most people don't pick up on this when it happens in a dating or relationship situation. So they get tricked into thinking that it's exciting when the person they're with starts talking about their future. Because they want a future with this person. Like you're not going to go on a date or start seeing someone that you don't want a future with.

Sam Morris (15:31.788)
when they start talking about the future.

Sam Morris (15:38.337)
It's exciting.

And I've had clients tell me that, you know, they've been on dates where people have said about going off somewhere for the weekend to Paris for the weekend. And Paris is exciting. But it's not realistic to be planning to go to Paris with someone that you don't know. And it is a tactic that a lot of humans will use to try and manipulate people into liking them by discussing the future and getting your hopes up.

The simple trick to notice this...

is to try and reflect after every interaction, every meeting. Did what they said coincide with reality? Do I know them well enough to think about that as a future action? Yes or no?

Sam Morris (16:39.18)
Because the likelihood is, if you've only met someone once, going to Paris is not an option for you right now. And the last red flag that I'm going to talk about today that most people miss is not listening to your body.

Sam Morris (17:00.67)
After every interaction, you should be noticing how you felt. Did you feel like yourself? Did you feel anxious? Did you walk away thinking, why did I say that or why did I agree to that? Because normally, the body knows what is going on before our brain can catch up.

Sam Morris (17:27.146)
If you feel the same way after the first few meetings, the first few interactions, that is normally a sign that something is wrong. It's no different.

to the times in your life where you knew something but you couldn't actually explain how you knew what was going to happen or what it was.

you

I just want to say that most people don't miss these red flags because there's something wrong with them or anything to do with intelligent levels or anything like that. get a lot of my clients when they come to me they will say I was so stupid and I correct that wording because it isn't stupidity. The majority of people that I work with that fall for some of these tactics.

are very, very intelligent people.

Sam Morris (18:37.294)
So it isn't about that. Most people miss these red flags because of hope. They are hopeful for love. And they want it in the quickest and the easiest way possible. Which, that isn't going on lots of dates with lots of people. Quick and easy is one date, one person done. And it rarely happens like that.

But as humans, we want everything to be quick and easy.

So when it comes to love...

Sam Morris (19:22.882)
Why would you not want the same? And what happens is people will notice the things that they like and then ignore the other things.

And if that's you, don't beat yourself up about it, we've all been there. You are just like all the other billions of people in this world who are trying to make life simpler. What I will invite you to do now, now that you have this knowledge, after every interaction, notice if you feel anywhere anything in your stomach. And just an FYI.

feelings in...

Notice if you feel anything within your body.

FYI, feeling something in your stomach normally means anxiety. It's not butterflies. It often gets confused all the time where people will be like, I have butterflies. And actually that's anxiety. It's the same feeling.

Sam Morris (20:44.398)
And then I'd like to invite you to ask yourself, if your son, your daughter, your best friend, niece, nephew, described this date, this interaction, what would you say?

And if the answer is negative, then you know what to do.

Sam Morris (21:16.78)
because the truth is red flags aren't usually like neon signs glaring at you. They are tiny little whispers that you need to tune into. And if you've been hurt before, your body might ignore those little whispers because chaos feels familiar for you.

But the more you heal, the more you'll notice them early and walk away before wasting your time. So I said to you earlier, how long does it take, how many sessions does it take for me to get to the true depth of my client's hurts? And it is normally on average session four.

And you've got to think, normally, so every single one of my one-to-one clients have had a discovery call. So we have a chat for around half an hour, it often just go over, to check whether I am suitable for them, whether they are suitable for me. So I've had that initial conversation and found out bits about their life.

But it is normally in session four that the true breakthroughs come through where it's like, this is what happened and this is why you are behaving this way.

I'm trained to get people to talk to me. So if someone is oversharing to you and you haven't been trained to get people to talk to you and they're telling you on a first, second, third day about their ex who did whatever about something traumatising as a child, that is an alarm bell going off to you.

Sam Morris (23:23.502)
And if you want to learn how to rewire your nervous system so that you stop missing these signs and finally attract healthy aligned love, make sure that you subscribe, share this episode with a friend and check out the priority list for my group programme which is starting in September. I hope you have the most wonderful day and I will speak to you soon.

Sam Morris (23:56.942)
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