Have you ever thought, is it me or is it him? Am I going crazy or is my child actually struggling? Let's talk about gaslighting that happens to parents when they're raising neurodivergent kiddos. Stick around for all of it. Welcome to the Autism Diagnosis to Confident Mom podcast with Kira from Kira Brown Coaching. I'm a mom of Neurospicy Kids and a life coach. I'm here to share real tips and support to help you feel confident as a parent. I can tell you where I sat and where the teacher sat for that parent-teacher conference. And I can remember the conversation. She didn't some days. She wasn't all of the things. We discussed all of these things. But at home, my super outgoing girl was becoming shy and scared to talk to people and couldn't sleep at night because she was worried about going to school the next day. But the teacher said everything was fine at school. And I remember my heart like dropping, my stomach dropping. Just what do you mean everything is fine? Like it's not fine. Can you not see that it's not fine? But nobody believed me that she wasn't fine. So we went to a developmental pediatrician to see if what was going on. And they said the same thing. She's fine, totally fine. Like I wanted to cry and I was so mad all at the same time. What do you mean there's not something going on with my daughter? Why won't she go to sleep at night because she doesn't want to get up and go to school tomorrow? Why are her friends calling her cuckoo on the playground because she's crazy as a first grader? Why? Why? If I'm the only one who can see this problem, why am I dreaming this up? Like what is what is going on? I um I had paid a lot of money, even with insurance, for them to tell me that it was all in my head that my daughter was shy and introverted and had anxiety. But yeah, if you she wasn't, I didn't know what to do. So let's talk about that, mama. Let's talk about that moment when you start doubting yourself because no one else sees the problem. No one else sees it. They're like, I don't get what you're talking about. First of all, let's just admit that that can feel bad. That we can feel shame, doubt, anger. What feelings do you feel? Those are the ones I felt. And no answer is right or wrong here. The important part is that we feel those emotions, that we allow ourselves to be shameful or embarrassed or doubtful or angry or frustrated. Um, the second thing to remember is that you are actually the expert on your child. You are the one who has spent the hours with your child. You know your child better than anyone else. My guess is you spend more time with your child than anybody else does, even the school teacher. So you are actually the expert, you know your child better than anybody else. So just remember that. The second thing I want to talk about is how gaslighting shows up in parenting conversations. So I was talking to a school teacher and a developmental pediatrician, but I hear these things with other parents when I'm talking to them. Um, I've heard things like he'll grow out of it or she'll grow out of it, or he's just a normal little busy boy, or have you tried fill in the blank? Maybe it's consistent discipline or discipline or being firm or whatever, a diet. Have you tried taking certain things out of their diet, putting certain things in their diet, supplements, whatever can all make you feel like you're crazy, and then like it happened to me at school. How about the one we don't experience that here? She's she or he is totally fine here. Um these make it hard. This makes it hard to function as a parent of an autistic or ADHD kiddo because you feel like you're going crazy, you feel like it's you that must have something wrong with them because they're fine for everybody else. But let's talk about why moms often notice neurodivergence before anyone else. First of all, moms get the unmasked version of their child because they are their safety zone, they feel comfortable and safe with mom, and so you get the unmasked version. You get the version that's tired of masking for everybody else, and so you see things before other people see things, you see behaviors that maybe they don't see at school because they're masking at school or at church or at that extracurricular activity or at their friend's house. You see those things first because they're comfortable with you. Um, you have more time with them, so you get to know their quirks. I knew that my daughter was the most social person there ever was. I knew that she was the daughter that made me get a harness for my child because we would go to T ball and she'd sit on some strange man's lap and just start talking to him when I turned to help her sister tie her shoe or something. Like I knew that she wasn't shy. I knew that she was social. I knew that because I spent time with her and I know her quirks. So when somebody else who spent 30 minutes with them decides that they're just shy, that's a red flag to me. But you know them. You get to see them with their mask off the most often, and you know what it's like to live with them. That's another thing. You know what it's like to live with them. You know that you have to ask 545 times for something to get done. You know that you have to hold their hand and take them to their backpack to get their water bottle or their lunch in their backpack in the morning. You know that they might laugh with their peers, but they didn't really understand the joke that was said. They're just fake laughing. Like you know these things, so you notice first. Others have to get to know them well first before they'll notice these things. Um, I also want to talk about how do we trust our gut when others don't see it? I want you to think of this um this idea of your child being neurodivergent as a newborn baby. And what happens when you have a newborn baby? Do you just go to the park and let everybody there hold your baby? Do you go to the grocery store and let everybody touch your baby? Do you don't? You guard and you protect this baby, right, from the illnesses and the dirty hands and all of the things. Well, our neurodivergent child is like this newborn baby. Our ideas about them not being neurotypical are like this newborn baby. We don't share that with everybody. We pick carefully who we share that with. Um, Brene Brown talks about choosing wisely who you share with because not everybody handles it well, not everybody treats it well. Some people dismiss you, some people mock you. Um and so we need to choose wisely who we share this information with. The other thing to go with that is we don't have to share it with anybody. Like you don't owe it to anybody to explain why your child is the way they are, or the things that you see or don't see. So, um, as we talked about in a previous podcast, you can educate people about it if you find it beneficial, you can disengage from the conversation, or um, you can give a brief explanation of what autism or ADHD is, but you do not owe medical lectures or your child's history or anything else to anybody, including a medical provider who doesn't believe you that isn't there to help you out. Um I just want you to know that you're not alone. I've had the thoughts, is it me or is it him or her? Often, I remember in particular having a conversation with my husband. I was standing outside the laundry room door leaning against the unused treadmill, and he was leaning against an unused desk for his hobbies, and I was folding a pair of socks, and I was like, there is either something off with me or off with him. There is something wrong here, something is not right, and I do not know what it is, but I I don't know. And I remember him just looking at me like, what am I supposed to say to that? And feeling like I was in it alone. Okay, you're not the only person who's ever thought, is it me? Is it them? You've got this, mama. Trust your gut, trust your instinct. Remember that you can get second opinions if you need to. Um, but feel the emotions that come up when these things happen to you. Don't push them down inside, don't be a bottler, don't be a person who pushes their emotions inside till it explodes. Don't be a brewer, somebody who just like stews on it and gets madder and madder and madder. Um, be a flower, allow those emotions to flow. Feel bad when the bad emotions come, let them go. But you're doing better than you think you are, mama. Keep up the good work. Thanks so much for listening to Autism Diagnosis to Confident Mom. If this episode helped you feel a little more seen or supported, please take a moment to like, follow, or subscribe to the podcast. And if you know another parent who needs to hear this, share it with them too. We're all in this together. You're doing better than you think, Mama. You've got this.