Hi, and today we're going to talk about how we feel as a parent when we're dealing with meltdowns, especially once in public, and how we can get our own back and not feel so crappy about it. Welcome to the Autism Diagnosis to Confident Mom podcast with Kira from Kira Brown Coaching. I'm a mom of Neurospicy Kids and a life coach. I'm here to share real tips and support to help you feel confident as a parent. So there was this one time when we tried to put my Mr. Autistic Caddo in soccer. His sisters were all playing soccer and he wanted to play soccer, so we put him in, and it did not go well. We went the first time and I was like, well, that was a little different. It's gonna take some adjusting. Okay. We went back the second time, and by the end, we didn't even finish soccer because it was going horribly. Um, he would go to soccer and he would melt down. I'm talking like he would go up to the coach and yell at them that they weren't doing things right, he was crying, he would refuse to try. Um it got bad enough that I had to pick him up and carry him to the car, kicking and screaming with everybody watching. And the shame that I felt as a parent. My four-year-old should be able to handle kicking a soccer ball. And I want to talk about that shame we feel when our kiddos have meltdowns. But first, I want to talk about the difference between a meltdown and misbehavior. Um, a misbehavior is hey, I'm gonna try to get my way, and if I get it, great. If I don't, that's fine, and then I can just turn it off. Like it's turnoffable. Overwhelm has to do with their nervous system, they have overwhelm uh meltdowns and overwhelm. Um they their nervous system gets overwhelmed, they go into fight, flight, or flee, and that's where we get kids who fight. My Mr. Autistic kiddo tends to fight, throw punches, try to move furniture, those kinds of things. Um, or we can go into flight, kids that elope, or freeze, kids that just shut down and won't do anything. And um this comes as a biological sense in the a biological response in the body. Um, their prefensal cortex, or they're I call it the front part of their brain, it's right there by your forehead, it shuts down. It's their let's like think this through logically, part of their brain, and they're just in response mode. They're reacting at this point. This is why arguing with them doesn't make a difference. This is why trying to talk them out of it doesn't make a difference. This part of their brain shuts down their body, believes they are in danger, and is trying to save them. They cannot just shut this off. This doesn't just go away, okay? We have to help them work through that, re-regulate their body, let them know that they're safe in their bodies. Um, but misbehavior and a meltdown or overwhelm are two very different things, and um you can't parent away the meltdowns, they're going to come sometimes, they just are, especially with their autistic khdos. They come, they can come in neurotypical kiddos as well, but especially in our neurodiverse khddos, we get them a lot more. Um, we as parents feel shame during these meltdowns because they're perceived as behavioral issues, and our culture teaches us that how our kid behaves is our report card. So if my kid is doing really well, then I'm doing really well as a parent. If my kid is struggling, then I am not doing well as a parent. Um and that's not that's not really true. That's just a belief that we have in our culture, and we can change that belief. But um what I want you to understand is that the people who are watching don't know that it's not behavioral, they don't understand that it's overwhelm or meltdown. They don't know what you've already done to prepare for this moment, to try to prevent this moment. They don't know all of the sleep that you've lost, all of the time that you've spent prepping, all of the conversations that you've had, the fidget toys that you brought, the crunchy foods, the chewy foods, the not going to other activities, so that hopefully you can handle this activity that needs to happen. Um, maybe it's something that has to be done like grocery shopping, and you don't have a choice, they don't understand, they just don't understand what you've already done, they don't understand your situation. Um, and a lot of them don't understand the diagnosis. So even if they think your kid looks autistic, which there's not really a look for autistic, but even if they think that they can label that as autism, they don't understand unless they've had a child of their own. And even those that have had children of their own, it can still feel isolating because every autistic individual is different, and so each parenting experience is different. Um, but what I do want to talk about today is how do we survive those public moments when we feel shame? The first step I want you to do is decide what kind of parent you want to be. What does it mean to be a good parent? And I don't want you to decide what kind of results you're gonna get as a parent, not what your child is gonna do if you parent well, but what are you gonna do as a good parent? What does a good parent do? You decide for yourself. Does a good parent be consistent? Is a good parent always love their child? Does a good parent um advocate for their child? Does a good parent what does a good parent do? You get to decide. That's totally up to you. Nobody else gets to tell you that. Not even your spouse. Your spouse gets to decide for themselves what a good parent is. Excuse me. Um, but you get to decide all on your own what what it looks like to be a good parent. And like I said earlier, don't think that I'm a good parent if my kid doesn't have a meltdown. That's not something you can control. You can control how you react to that meltdown, you can control with what energy you show up to that meltdown, but you cannot control your child and their outcome. Um, just think of it like I have four kiddos, and each one of those kiddos are different. Each one of those kiddos will say something different about the exact same situation, about whether it was a success or it was a total boredom buster or whatever. Each one of those kids will have their own outcomes. I want to know what your outcome as a parent is, not your child's. Decide ahead of time. My job, I have decided, is to love my my kiddo. Kiddos. That's my job. That makes me a good parent. If I love them, try my best to show that love for them, then I am a good parent. Um, that's my definition. You get to come up with your own. Notice I didn't say I'm a good parent if my child behaves well. Okay. Um I want you to, when you feel the shame when you're in public and your child's having a meltdown, I just want you to name that. Give that feeling a name. It doesn't matter if you name it wrong, just name it. Is it shame? Is it frustration? Is it embarrassment? What are you feeling? And then where do you feel it in your body? I don't want to know what you think about that thought, that feeling. I want to know where you feel it in your body. Do you get clenched fists? Do you get tense? Do you get a tummy ache? Do you feel energy moving throughout your chest? What do you feel? Do your shoulders tense up? Do you relax? What does your body feel when you feel those things? And just allow your body to feel those things. So um, I have been taught through my life coach certification that feelings are created by our thoughts, what we think about something. And so I will say I am feeling shame right now, and it is created by sentences in my brain. It feels like a tummy ache. It feels like I want to shrink in on myself, it feels whatever, okay? And just let it be there, just allow those emotions. If we try to push those emotions away, we make them bigger. Otherwise, normally, a normal feeling will last 60 to 90 seconds and then it will go away. It might come back like beach waves, but it usually comes back at a lesser intensity. Um, if we feel a lot of this, we can just decide we're gonna carry our little shame purse around with us everywhere we go. We're just gonna put it in our purse and pack it around. That's okay. We're just going to allow it to be there. And the more we allow it to be there, your body naturally knows what to do with that emotion and how to work it through. It's when we resist those emotions that they become problems for us. Um, so just allow the emotion, and then I want you to realize that you don't need them to understand you and your situation. They don't have to. The judgy looks that come from the little old lady at the grocery store because your kid is having a meltdown in the checkout stand. It really is none of her business. You do not owe her an explanation of your child's diagnosis, of their medical history, of what they're melting down over, of all the things you have tried. That is none of their business. You don't need them to understand. Okay, you just take care of you and your child in that moment. Um, so just remember we're going to name the emotion, we're gonna see where we feel it in our body. It's just because of sentences in our brain, which is not to judge ourselves. We just are gonna feel some shame or frustration or embarrassment or whatever it is that comes up for you, and then we're gonna decide what kind of parent we are, and we get to decide if we're being a good parent in the moment or not, and then we don't want anybody an explanation. You get to pick, you only have so many resources, you only have so much time in a day, you only have so much energy, and as parents of neurodiverse kiddos, we tend to use a lot more of that up already dealing with meltdowns and redirects and all of the things like we don't have the extra energy to educate the world, and so it's not your responsibility to do that. Um just know the public meltdowns are one of the most isolating moments for parents, but you're not alone, you're not alone. Um this happens to all of us, so we're not alone, even though we feel like we're alone, we're not alone. In fact, you're doing better than you think you are, mama. Keep up the good work. Thanks so much for listening to Autism Diagnosis to Confident Mom. If this episode helped you feel a little more seen or supported, please take a moment to like, follow, or subscribe to the podcast. And if you know another parent who needs to hear this, share it with them too. We're all in this together. You're doing better than you think, Mama. You've got this.