Today, I want to take you through a real life scenario for my life. When my son was having an autistic meltdown, to how it was handled, what's happening for him, what's happening with the person helping him, what's happening for me. I do apologize. I get emotional. This is very real in my life. Um, it's still kind of a fresh scenario, so I do apologize for the emotions, but let's learn all about why he melts down, what exactly worked, and how I um, what emotions I felt and how I handled those. Welcome to the Autism Diagnosis to Confident Mom podcast with Kira from Kira Brown Coaching. I'm a mom of Neurospicy Kids and a life coach. I'm here to share real tips and support to help you feel confident as a parent. I saw them coming to get me out of my class, and I thought, oh man, what now? I don't want to do this. They told me when I came out that he was having a hard time, and maybe I could help. So we were walking down the hall, as they tell me that he hit three teachers and he's trying to run away. And I walk around the corner to see him sitting on the floor with a gentleman that we know, just sit down on the floor next to him, and um, it still makes me want to cry every time I think about it because it's not how it normally goes, right? Like normally, you have to solve the problem and you have to take care of everything. So I'm forever grateful to this guy who doesn't really know my kiddo. He knows of him, but he took the time to be like, he's having a hard time, and I know how to help. Sorry, I'm emotional. Um, anyway, so I want to break down what happened so that we can see what's going on for our kiddo, what's going on for us, and how we can help them, and how we can help ourselves. So let's get started. If we go back to the beginning, we were at church, and he doesn't do well in large groups, which what is church? A large group of people. Um, you don't think of it as noisy, but it is noisy. You have an organ, you have a congregation that sings, you have people talking on a microphone, those kinds of things, people making noise, kids crying. Um, so he was dysregulated already from the noise and the amount of people around. And he um was in kids' Sunday school, and in our church, they go to like a class, they split up by age groups, and they go to a like a little class for half of the time, and then they get together and they all sing some worship songs, and so he was in singing in the singing portion, he wasn't singing, but um, he was sitting in the back by himself um on the floor, and he realizes that he forgot his favorite pen in the classroom, and so he just tries to get up and go get it. And of course, the teachers are like, hey bud, we can't go, we need to stay here because they have to try to keep everybody in a room and safe, and um somebody puts their hand on his shoulder to try to calm him, and he's in fight or flight or freeze, and he tends to his body tends to navigate towards fight, and so when they put their hand on his shoulder to try to calm him down a little bit, he whacks his arm out trying to get them off and hits a teacher. So then somebody else comes and tries, they touch him, the same thing happens. Three teachers finally the a teacher is like, nobody touch him, just let's see where he goes, right? So he goes out in the hall, but they don't understand because he's not verbal at this point, like he's a very verbal child, but his body is in shutdown, and he is not talking, and so he can't just say, Hey, I need to go get my pen. Can I go get my pen? Like a neurotypical kiddo might do. So they're trying to take him for a walk while they're coming to get me, and he slumps down on the floor because they won't let him go in the classroom because there's other people in that classroom, and that's when I see him sitting on the floor, and this other gentleman come and sit with him. At this point, my very, I'm gonna use the term even though we don't like to use it, my very high-functioning autistic child is not functioning. Okay, he can't talk, he can't express his needs because he is dysregulated, and people just see him hitting people, and they're like, We can't have that, we can't have that, which I understand, but that is his form of communication, right? They are trying to touch him to help him calm down, and that is his way of saying, Please don't touch me. I know it doesn't come across in a nice way, but that's what's going on for him. He's trying to communicate his needs because his functioning has shut down, he can't access that, and so he's using body language to try to get his needs met. Um let's talk about what this man did that actually helped in the moment, okay? Um, this gentleman sat down on the floor next to him. He left space between them, he didn't try to touch him, which the one teacher that was walking with him had warned him, don't touch him. But um, so I don't know if he would have normally tried to or not. And it's gonna depend on the kiddo, whether the pressure is comforting or it is dysregulating. You have to know your kiddo that way, but he just starts talking to him. What do you like to do? And take distra. And he just shrugs his shoulders. And he doesn't give up. Do you like cars? And we just get shrugged shoulders. Do you like I like Legos? Do you like Legos? And my little guy looks at him. That was a different response. He was noticing his non-verbal cues. The littlest of cues. And then he's like, What kind of Legos do you like? What do you like to build? I have lots of Lego sets at my house. I like to build Star Wars Legos, and I am at this point sitting down on the other side of my kiddo, about a foot away from him, so he has space. And I said, We have Star Lives, Star Wars Legos too, huh? And then we get to talking about movies, and we get to talking about he just and the man is doing the majority of the talking. Like, if he gets uh, mmm, okay, yeah, like that is all that my son has to give in this moment, and he's okay with that. He meets him where he is at, not where he expects him to be, because he normally looks like a normal typical, he looks neurotypical, quote unquote. But he just meets him where he's at, and he carries on this conversation for a while, and he tries. I need to go set up some chairs in the gym. Do you want to come help me? And my son just shrugs. So they keep talking. And after a while, the man goes, You want to come help me set up chairs now? And my son goes, I guess. And they get up and they go set up chairs, and my son is physically helping. He's hauling chairs, he's unfolding them, he's putting them where they need to go around the tables. Um, another thing that this man did was he stayed calm. He co-regulated with him. He didn't get roused up in my son's emotions. He he stayed in the moment and he took the time that it takes. He didn't have an agenda on a timeline. He wasn't like, you have three minutes to get together, and then we have to do the next thing, we have to go back in, or whatever. He didn't force him to go back into the area that was over-regulated over stimulating for him. Um, so all of those things. Look, he gave up, he followed my son's nonverbal cues when he was unable to communicate. He respected his wishes of not being touched. He stayed calm and co-regulated, he took the time that it takes when he asked for his help. He made him feel important and needed. Sorry, not all about calling. Um but this is a tender moment for me because this isn't how it usually goes. And I just wanted to share this example because this is how it can go. And I have to admit, as his mother, I am not always calm and co-regulating, I am not always taking the time that it takes. Like, I feel like we have to get to the bus or we have to get to the next whatever we're doing, your sister's meeting, or whatever. But if we just slow down and give them what their bodies need, then they can calm down, they can re-regulate. Um, was he at a hundred percent capacity at the end of this experience? No, no, in fact, he wasn't, but he was functional and he can make it through the last little bit of church until we were able to go home, gather everybody up and go home. And so, um, I also want to talk about what was going on for me. So I will be the first to admit that I was not happy to see them coming for me again. Like this had been the second or third week in a row. I had worry, I had dread, I didn't want to do it, right? Initially, I spiraled. I spiraled through emotions even after the I still like you can see, I have a lot of gratitude in my heart. Um, I felt shame because it's my kid that's hitting people in church. Church is supposed to be a safe space for everybody, and I can't control my kid. I felt anger and frustration because we've already established we do not touch him, he doesn't like to be touched. Try to help him in a different way, and they come to me and they want me to fix it, but I'm like, you if you would have just let him go get his pen, it would have been fine. But they didn't know that. I didn't know that until after the fact, like I found out that fact after we got home, and he had calmed down and um different things, but I felt anger and frustration because people aren't meeting him where he's at, they want him to be where everybody else is at, so there are a lot of different emotions, and I just let those emotions come. I just carried those emotions with me. Um, I've talked about it before, but emotions are like waves in an ocean, and sometimes the waves are big and scary, and sometimes they're just calm little fun waves, right? But they come in and then they recede out, and they come in and they recede out. And when the big scary ones come, if we just let them come and we just say, This is whatever, this is worry, this is dread, this is anger. If I let it come in and I just let it be, and I'm like, it's in my body, and it's okay, and I just let it wash over me. Emotions usually only last 60 to 90 seconds unless we retry to resist them. If we try to make them not happen, then they go, they come and they stay. And it's like pushing a beach ball under the water, and eventually we can push it down for so long and then we get tired and it explodes. So I just allowed those emotions today. I was talking and the gratitude welled up in me again, and part of my body releasing those emotions. My body, your body knows what to do with emotions if you allow it, and part of that was crying, and so unfortunately, you heard me cry. But it's just I need to get better at articulating it, but just allowing the emotions to have them, all of them. I also felt pride. I felt pride that he was able to pull it together and go help set up chairs. Like, even though he wasn't 100%, he was well enough to go do that. And the the even the setting up of chairs was help for him because that was a physical activity, that was an outlet to use some energy, to use his body, to um, we talk about sensory needs and push and pull work, it was all of those things, okay. Um, but it wasn't it wasn't wrong for my son to feel the way that he did, to be dysregulated. It wasn't wrong for that gentleman to come and help, it wasn't wrong for me to feel all of the narrative emotions that I felt. It was all human, and that's just the way it goes. So just remember you're human, your child is human, and you've got this, mama. You're doing way better than you think you are. The fact that you're here trying to learn says a lot about you. So thank you for being that kind of mama. Thanks so much for listening to Autism Diagnosis to Confident Mom. If this episode helped you feel a little more seen or supported, please take a moment to like, follow, or subscribe to the podcast. And if you know another parent who needs to hear this, share it with them too. We're all in this together. You're doing better than you think, Mama. You've got this.