Do you feel like you don't trust yourself when you feel like nothing is working? Let's talk about that today because you have lots of reasons to trust yourself. We're just not seeing them. So let's go over those today in our podcast. See you there. Welcome to the Autism Diagnosis to Confident Mom podcast with Kira from Cura Brown Coaching. I'm a mom of Neurospicy Kids and a life coach. I'm here to share real tips and support to help you feel confident as a parent. Does it seem like you are trying everything but nothing is working? Let's talk about that today. How do we trust ourselves when nothing is working? Um, for me, when it seems this way, I feel like a fraud. I feel like um everybody thinks I have it put together and I don't have it put together, and I'm embarrassed by my child's meltdowns in public, and and I just want to go hide in a rock, under a rock. I just want to go to bed and not get up. I don't want to face the day, I don't want to deal with it. Um and everyone has opinions. Everyone has opinions about what you should be doing, he'll just grow out of it. Have you tried more consistent discipline? Have you tried this sensory toy? Have you tried this tool? Have you tried being more patient? Have you tried the list goes on and on and on and on? But then when you have a real problem, they look at you like, what just happened? And how do we keep it from happening again? Have you had that happen to you? I know I have. My so we live in the middle of nowhere, Wyoming, and my kids have to wait, my elementary school kids have to wait an hour for the high school and middle school to get out so that they can bus home altogether because they only ones send one bus out that far. And so they sent the school sends them to an afterschool program for an hour. And we've been having some problems with the after school program. We won't get into the why, that's a whole nother podcast. But um, when things go terribly wrong, they call me up and say, come get him. Or we need to call the police. Can you be here soon? And then they want me to figure out what went wrong, how to prevent it the next time, but then they don't want to follow my advice, right? So my first tip for trusting yourself when things when it seems like nothing is working, when you've gotten that call from the school or wherever, and they're like, What do we do? What happened? Why does he do this? We've never seen this before, whatever. I want you to remember that you're the expert. It takes 10,000 hours to become an expert on something. Who else has spent 10,000 hours with your kiddo? I haven't done the math. I don't know how many hours are in a school year. Maybe, maybe their general ed teacher or a one-on-one para. But most quote-unquote experts have not spent 10,000 hours with your child. So that makes you the expert. And I want you to remember to follow your gut, or some people call it your mom instinct, or some people call it the Holy Spirit guiding you, whatever you believe that is, but I want you to trust your gut. That's what I'm gonna call it is your gut. Remember, you are the expert, trust your gut. If if what the quote unquote expert is telling you doesn't feel right, then don't do it. You're the expert. Okay. Number two, you already know what isn't working. Have you thought about that? When everything isn't working, you know what's not working. That is a step in the right direction. It doesn't feel like it, it feels defeating. I know it does, but you're getting closer to the answer, you are eliminating things one at a time. Is that a fun process? No, girl, if we could just figure it out the first time, I'd I'd tell you how to do it. I'd be all about that. I would love that route, but it doesn't work that way. Sometimes we learn by trying things that don't work. And every time we try something that doesn't work, we're one step closer to the thing that does work. What if I had a crystallite ball and it told me that after you tried 100 different techniques, you would find the perfect technique for your child? Would you be more excited to try those 100 things that don't work? Because you're getting closer and you know there's an answer. It works like that, okay? And I want you to look for are there any small wins that you're overlooking? Because sometimes we want the big picture win. We want a regulated child who can function in society, who we can take to go do all the things we need to do, who can go to extracurricular activities or a babysitter or wherever and not have a problem. But sometimes there's small wins. Let me give you an example. So I already told you my son goes to an afterschool program. He rides a bus to that after school program, and on that bus, within a couple weeks, he had a couple fights. I'm gonna call them fights, they were meltdowns that got aggressive. And so the school calls me up. I love my school, they were good. They said this happened. I understand why this happened. We have to have a consequence for that, but I also want to tell you that he told the truth, he made the choice to get off the bus without a fight. I am so proud of him for that. And they told him that. Are there those small wins? Yes, we had a big meltdown and it didn't go like we wanted it to go, but when they calmed down, did they tell you exactly what happened without lying about it? Did they walk away from the situation without throwing a fit? Were they able to re-regulate quicker than they have in the past? Were they able to use their words to express their needs or some other nonverbal communication? Are there small wins until we can figure out what's going on and to figure to get a better plan in place? Because these kids learn step by step, just like we do, and they need to practice those steps, and so we need to give them credit for the little steps that they are taking. Because remember, when they go into meltdown, their brains are shutting off, they are going into fight and flight mode, and their thinking brains shut off. So the fact that they can use some of these school skills that we have practiced previously is amazing, and we need to recognize that we're making progress. We will get there with these small wins. The third thing I want you to remember when you don't trust yourself because nothing is working, is you haven't found the answer yet. It is very important to we're at that little word yet on the end. Because our brain looks for evidence that it is right. So if we say, I don't know what to do, that's what our brain is gonna find. If we say, I don't know what to do yet, that opens us up to find more answers. Do you see the difference there? The feeling, the mindset shift that happens. And I just want you to get curious. Um, part of getting curious is asking empowering questions. If we ask, why is this happening to me? What is going on? Our brain is gonna come back with because nothing ever works for you. Or you're the victim, it's just happening to you. Okay, but instead, if we ask questions like, why are they dysregulated? That's what our brain is gonna look for. It's gonna answer that question, it's gonna help us come up with a better answer. How can I solve this? How can we solve this? How can he solve this? Um, what can we do when he gets dysregulated so that he doesn't melt down? These are empowering questions rather than why me? This is so hard. I don't want to do this anymore. Um, I don't know what's going on. How am I supposed to? I can't do anything about this. When we start asking questions that are disempowering, we lose our power to help. We lose our power and ability to use our brains to function because our brain wants to find what proof that what we're thinking is correct. If I say, don't think about a pink elephant, what do you think about we think about a pink elephant, right? So I want you to think about things that you want the answers to. Um so keep going, mama. You have got this. You can trust yourself, you're doing better than you think you are. And I know I say that after I say everything, but I truly believe that you really are doing better than you think you are. You are already an expert on your child, you've already tried a ton of things that aren't working, so you're getting closer to the correct answer, and you can ask empowering questions and come up with answers. I also want to touch base just a little bit with why is this happening? Why can't I have a normal child? Why can't I? Why can't I? Why can't I? Why can't we? Why can't he or she? That puts us in a victim mode. That means somebody is doing something to us, and we become powerless. So let's not go into victim mode, let's be the hero of our story. And I know, mama, you're thinking, but that's exhausting. I'm tired of trying to be the hero. Somebody's got to do it, and who better than his or her mama? Okay, that doesn't mean you can't ask for help. That doesn't mean we don't ask lots of questions, that doesn't mean we're not the annoying parent at school meetings and to our teacher and all the things, but we can do this. You can do this, you can figure it out. You are this child's mama for a reason because you can help them, because you have the love that it takes. I know sometimes we're exhausted and it's tiring, and we wonder if we really do, but you do because you're here listening to this podcast. You have got this, and you are a good mama because you are trying to figure it out, and it's not all gonna be easy, and sometimes not easy is what we need. I hate to say that out loud, it feels really cringy to say, but when we have to go through hard things, our brain is literally rewired to handle hard things, and it becomes easier in the future. So keep up the good work, keep doing your best, and every day your best is going to be different. Some days that means you're on top of the world and you have got it, and some days that means we're in survival mode, and that's okay. Our best changes from day to day, and our best is not what we can do for everybody else, but it's what we can do while taking care of ourselves so that we can keep showing up as our best. You've got this, you're doing better than you think you are. Keep up the good work. We'll talk to you next week. Thanks so much for listening to Autism Diagnosis to Confident Mom. If this episode helped you feel a little more seen or supported, please take a moment to like, follow, or subscribe to the podcast. And if you know another parent who needs to hear this, share it with them too. We're all in this together. You're doing better than you think, Mama. You've got this.