One Question Changed Everything

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Do you ever feel like nobody understands your child or you and what you're going through? I was there. Let's learn how I addressed that and what really helped me. It wasn't getting other people to understand, it was something else. Let's learn all about it. Welcome to the Autism Diagnosis to Confident Mom podcast with Kira from Kira Brown Coaching. I'm a mom of Neurospicy Kids and a life coach. I'm here to share real tips and support to help you feel confident as a parent. Hi, I want to take you back five years ago when my daughter was really struggling before we even had a diagnosis. And she is um she is a girl who loves people and gets along with anybody and everybody. In fact, when her older siblings were in T-ball, I finally started putting one of those little backpack leashes on her because she would um I would go help the baby and I would turn around and she would be gone. And I would find her sitting on some strange person's lap. Sometimes men, sometimes women, but she would just go and become friends with anybody, which I love that for her, but it was scary for me as she was like two or three. Um, and it didn't matter how much we taught her about being safe with people and whatever, she just she loved people, and everybody is her friend, and there it nobody is a stranger to her, and so this is the kind of girl that she is. She is fun, she's upbeat, she has lots of energy, um, a lot of energy. In fact, when she was a baby, we were like, she didn't start walking, she started running. Okay, we just like skipped walking, we went straight to running. She just was a busy, busy, fun, lighthearted person who got along great with everybody. So, fast forward to first grade, and she's not wanting to go to bed at night. She's anxious and she's having a hard time with friends at school, and um she doesn't she doesn't want to go to school in the morning. She doesn't want to go to bed because she doesn't want to go to school in the morning because the kids are gonna call her cuckoo or crazy, okay, because she is very active, and so those were the words that she used to describe it. Um, she also when we go to parent-teacher conferences, her teacher would be like, it's like one day she is getting it, she is getting this reading thing. I think we have it, and then the next day it's like she doesn't understand. And she was struggling both socially and with um academics, but not enough to put her in a category where they're like, we need to do something about it. It was just like, is she getting it or is she not getting it? We're not really sure, but she's doing fine. And I was super frustrated because I'm like, this girl is really smart, and I know every parent thinks her child is smart, but this girl is really smart, okay? She um she knows. I mean, people come up to her now and they're like, What animal fact do you have for me today? Like, she just spouts them off, she just knows things. She has had multiple teachers tell me she's a wise soul, she just internalizes things and understands and she applies them in real life, and she's just she's a smart wise soul, and she's always been at the top of her class in grades, like so. For her to be like, is she getting it or is she not getting it? But she's doing fine. I'm not worried. We're not seeing, you know, problems at school, we're not like that's really weird that you're that she's not wanting to go to bed at night. And that's really weird that you're concerned about her academics. Like, she's doing fine for a first grader. And I just felt like everybody was misunderstanding her. So to make a long story short, we took her to a developmental pediatrician. I think that's what they're called. Anyways, they can do um, they do the testing. Like, does she have ADHD? Does she have autism? Does she have dyslexia? Does she have all of the things, right? Like, I'm wondering. I'm wondering. So we pay for this really expensive test, and the guy comes back and just says, she's just shy and anxious in nature. My heart dropped. I was like, no, no, that is not the little girl that I know. Like, it was like a light switch had been flipped. Like, this is not no, she is today shy and reserved, but she is not at her core. Like, I even asked tons of people, friends, family, like, how would you describe her? And they were all like outgoing, adventurous, fun, loving, friends with everybody, and I was so frustrated, and I just thought nobody understands her, nobody is seeing what I'm seeing, and um, and that was a problem. So I went to my life coach, and I said, this is what's going on, and she said, um, we were talking, you know, about it and whatever, and she said, What if the resources are already in you and her? Like, what if what if you already have the answers? What if you don't need other people to understand her? It was like a light switch went off in my brain. I went from feeling like a victim, nobody understands her, nobody's gonna help me, nobody like this is a serious problem, people. Like, my child is getting depressed and anxious, and I like come on, help me out here. So I went from being a victim of everybody else's choices to not understand to feeling empowered. I knew in my gut that she had ADHD. I knew that her social problems were due to her excess of hyperactivity. I knew in my gut that she because she has ADHD, she is developmentally behind a third of our age. So instead of being six, it's like she's four, and everybody else is moving on. And in kindergarten, everybody was super busy and nobody noticed. But now that we're in first grade, they're starting to be a little less rambunctious and they're starting to settle down a little bit, and they're noticing that she was not like I knew that these were the problems, right? I knew that she was feeling anxious and depressed, and those things. So, what did I do? I trusted my gut instead of feeling like a victim and complaining because nobody understood, I said, okay, I know she's like depressed and anxious or something, so we're gonna go to therapy because that's what we do for therapy, right? Like, I tried to go to a doctor for help and they didn't help, so we're gonna try therapy. And um, to make a long story short, it was a month or six weeks of seeing a therapist, and she was like, Oh, yes, this child has ADHD. Um, if you want to try medication, we can try it. If you don't, we don't have to. And the doctor that does the meds, I always forget what they're called. Anyways, he was like, definitely. Okay, so she was diagnosed by her therapist and this other doctor rather than being dismissed by the developmental pediatrician. Okay, so because I felt empowered, I parented different. Because I felt like we had the solutions in us, because we had the resources, because I understood her and she understood her. Then I started asking her, what does your body need right now? Does your body need to move before we go into the store? All right, let's do 25 jumping jacks. Turns out people don't stare when you do jumping jacks in the parking lot. Do we need a park break before we go grocery shopping? Let's go run around at the park for 15 minutes. Okay. I found solutions to help her rather than dwelling in how people didn't understand her. Did she end up with a 504 at school right away? No, it took us a couple of years still to get one. Did she automatically like mature and catch up with her grade, with her age? No. But I was able to help her with how she was feeling. I was able to learn um how to help her feel her feelings, how to help her name her feelings, how to help her understand what she's feeling inside of her body. You look frustrated right now. Do you feel tight? Do you feel clenched? Do you feel hot? I would ask her these questions, and sometimes she would know the answers, and sometimes she would. I see you're feeling, or it looks like you're feeling this. Why is that instead of just spinning and spiraling in my brain? This is a problem, it's the end of the world. Okay. Um, I taught her to advocate for herself. I said, when you're feeling like you need to wiggle a lot, get up and ask to go to the bathroom. Get up and ask to go get a drink. Go and ask to go for a little walk down the hall and back. Right? Like I taught her to say, this is what I need, instead of dwelling and blaming others for not understanding what she needs on her own. On their own. It wasn't, it wasn't my, it wasn't their job to know what she needed. It was our job to know what she needs and to advocate for that. So if this sounds like something that could be helpful in your life, reach out to me, book a mom support call. We'll talk about what's going on in your life, and we'll see if life coaching can help you. Um, but just know you're not in this alone, mama. You're not. You're not the first one to feel this. You won't be the last one to feel this. It feels isolating and alone. We don't tend to talk about it with other special needs, moms. We tend to bear a lot of it on our own, and um, I just want you to know that you're not alone. That there are others out there, and we just need to find those people. Keep up the good work. Thanks so much for listening to Autism Diagnosis to Confident Mom. If this episode helped you feel a little more seen or supported, please take a moment to like, follow, or subscribe to the podcast. And if you know another parent who needs to hear this, share it with them too. We're all in this together. You're doing better than you think, Mama. You've got this.