Ep.7: How doing the inner work helps you create a life you love with Allison Dagney

In this episode, I talk to the amazing Allison Dagney, emotional abuse recovery mentor, 2 times best selling author and host of her own podcast. She is both a survivor and an expert. She shares her story of abuse and escape with us, and then, shares her path to healing, which is full of helpful tips and tricks to help you create a life you love, despite what the abuser in your life does, or doesn't do. 

You can find her on IG at allisonkdagney or on her website at www.radiateandrise.com. 

Visit: https://chantalcontorinescoaching.com to learn how to work with me.

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This podcast is for educational purposes only and is not legal advice.

Transcript

0:02

Hello everybody and welcome to their Survivors Playbook. I am your host, Chantal Contorines, and this is the podcast for every survivor of abuse. If abusers can have a playbook, then why can't survivors also have a playbook so that you can learn to live a life you love despite what the abuser in your life does or doesn't do? And today I am so very excited to have the amazing Alison Dagney on. She has many hats. Three of which I'm going to tell you right now, she is not only an emotional abuse recovery mentor. She's a two time bestselling author, and she's also a host of her very own podcast. So today we have the luxury of having her on to talk about her own personal story as well. As how she's created a life she loves and what she does to help other people who have walked the same walk create lives that they love. So thank you so much, Allison, for taking the time outta your busy life to come on today. Thank you so much for having me. I am so excited to be here, and I know that probably a lot of people who are in my world are also in yours. And so this is gonna be a really fun episode and I'm really hoping to just bring any sort of wisdom, insight, tips, tools, techniques sharing my story along the way, whatever I can do to help those people who are tuning in today. I love that because that's exactly what this podcast is about. It's stories of hope, it's stories of inspiration, and hopefully people leave with nuggets every time they listen in. And I'm thankful that you're here because I know you are going to impart new tools and strategies and tips and tricks for people to take away and be able to implement into their day-to-day life. Yeah. So let's rewind a little bit. So now you are living. A great life doesn't mean that your ex is not part of your life and still trying to impede upon your peace and this beautiful life that you've created but it wasn't always like this. Can you tell us a little bit about your own personal story as much as you feel comfortable divulging? Yeah. I'd be happy to share. So I got married very young. I was 19 years old when I met my ex-husband. We went through the whole whirlwind romance, the red flag, number one, love, love bombing and all of that stuff. I wrote about this in my first book when Tears Leave Scars, and I was married at about 21, and then we had three kids together and we're married for 17 years. So a total of 20 years with this man. And almost a life sentence. YI mean, and the thing was Chantel, is I didn't know that I was being abused. I had no idea. I just thought it was me. That was a problem. I, was the source of all the issues in the marriage, and I never once considered that this was abuse. And partly also because my ex-husband was not physically abusive. Not in all ways. There were certain things I look back on that I'm like, oh, that was probably physical abuse. But then also I never heard him say a bad word. I never heard him raise his voice like, yep. It was that. And as we say, you never have to raise your hand or raise your voice for it to be abuse. Exactly. And I think the more people understand that premise. Most people in society understand abuse in that way? Yes. It's yelling and name calling and swearing at you, throwing things at you using their body to hurt you or intimidate you. Yes. But there's so many more covert ways to abuse a person. Yeah. And that's why so many people stay in these relationships because there isn't the overt abuse that we typically understand as abuse. 100%. And that is exactly what I was going through until someone on the outside clued me in, Hey, you might wanna look into narcissism, sociopath, psychopath. And I'm like, what? That's not, nor that's not right. And then I did, and I was like. The light bulb came on. Yep. I was like, I gotta get outta here. This is dangerous. I can't be, I can't be in this marriage. So I started to plan my escape. And that's a key word right there. Yeah. Yeah. It's, you're escaping even if there's no physical violence, you are escaping their clutches. You're escaping the toxic environment that they've created in your home. And it couldn't have been any other word because I didn't, you don't just leave a situation like that. When you have an abuser like that, you have to escape. I had to plan under the cover of darkness. I couldn't let him know what was happening. I had to store away money so that I could. Buy the things that I needed to help me get away. And I,'cause most victims are starved back into relationships. So if you don't Oh, a hundred percent. Sometimes you have to just leave because literally your life is on the line. Your children's safety is on the line. Yeah. But if you can be strategic, your escape in your exit, it's so much easier after you leave than if you don't prepare and don't have all your. T's crossed and your i's dotted. So it's great that you are letting people know, you squirrel away money, you plan an exit strategy that's safe. Yeah I did a lot of research. I did a lot of reading and learning and watching videos and, to make myself have the best outcome that I could considering the situation. Yep. And after I was able to. File for separation and start to do the healing journey aspect of it. Because it was like, I don't know what was happening. Like I was in such a fog. I was like 20 years. 20 years. 20 years of abuse. And remember, even the good times are abusive. Yeah. The good times are equally as important as the bad times in terms of manipulation. So the entire duration of your relationship with this person is an abusive relationship? Yeah. The good and the bad, it causes so much stress because you know at any time when the going is good that something could, a light switch could go off and they're raging at you or criticizing you or putting you down, do whatever way that they like actually abuse you. Yeah, you're a hundred percent spot on. And that's the part where a lot of people fall into cognitive dissonance because they're looking back and saying was it really that bad? And maybe I'm being dramatic, and was it, this horrible situation that I keep making it out to be? Yeah.'cause there were times that he was nice and there were times that we went out and there were times that we had loving 70 30 is the rule. 70% actual relationship is bad. Yeah. And they know exactly. They've spent their entire lives learning how to manipulate people. Yeah. So they give you just enough hope to hang yourself with. Yeah. So ultimately that part was actually when I start, after I left, was when I started writing my book because I thought, I can't possibly be the only person who's feeling like this, who's experienced this, who I literally thought this is crazy town. Like I didn't know that this was a real thing and that emotional abuse and narcissistic abuse was. Happening and it happened to me. And by all accounts, I lived a very nice life. I had a very nice house. I had the perfect little family, and nobody knew what was happening behind closed doors. And I thought, if this can happen to me, like it's gotta be happening to other people too. Who else is going through this? It needs to know about it. So that's why I wrote my story, because I figured people were out there like me in the dark having no idea. Yeah. And it provided that validation for what they are going through and it must have also been healing for you, to be able to write your story. Most people, I always tell my clients journal, this is just journaling on steroids. You don't have to publish your story, especially if you're worried about privacy. But journaling, writing stuff out, getting your emotional stuff out, you can actually start to see the patterns of behavior and get some clarity. Yeah, it was very healing to write that book. And there was never a doubt in my mind that I was gonna finish it because I just had this like deep calling to expose this. And now you know this. And I don't know if your listeners, some may or may not know, but I don't use my real name. I don't show my face on social media or anywhere because my ex-husband doesn't know that I'm doing this. He doesn't know that I've written these books about our life. He doesn't know. That I'm coaching women and helping people to heal from emotional abuse. I've kept it very lock and key for a specific reason because I don't want to be dragged into litigation, have to spend money on attorneys, all of that stuff. This is, a mission of mine to help women recover from these deep emotional wounds and scars. And it started off with my book, and then it turned into something much, much bigger, which is where I'm at now. And so that's the thing that's also important for you to understand listener, is that you don't actually have to be a public persona. You can have a pen name, you can do there's ways to get your message and your story across without. Possibly creating a legal issue because these people love to litigate and they love to scream, defamation. Because how dare you expose the reality of what they were doing, right? How dare you be so audacious as to tell people how horribly they treated you? So there are ways around it as Allison. Is showing that she's been doing this work for quite some time and impacting women's lives. So having said that, I always have to have the caveat, just because she works with women, it's not mean that abuse does not also happen to men. This is just her target that she's working with, that she feels comfortable with. But she's not saying that abuse doesn't happen to men. She just works with. Just like there are some men who work just with men and there are some women who work just with men. Abuse happens to everybody. The rich, the poor, exactly. The ugly, the beautiful, the educated, the uneducated and everybody in between. Yeah. It has no bias. It literally will just, yeah. It's just a thing that we experience. And I know I have male listeners because they write to me sometimes. And they message me and say, Hey, my abusive ex, this and that and the other, and they, can you address this on your podcast? And things like that. So yeah, it is something that we need to make sure that we understand that it really doesn't discriminate. It doesn't, yeah. It doesn't really discriminate at all. No. And this is also the thing a lot of people believe I erroneously was under the impression in my youth. That abuse only happened to people who grew up in abusive households. If you came from a happy household with loving parents who were engaged and present, it couldn't possibly happen to you. And that's also a very naive view of abuse. Abuse can literally happen to anybody. These are, these people are predators. They pray, right? And so they're stalking people and they're attracted to people who have all the qualities and characteristics that they lack. So they typically go for empathetic, caring, generous, loving, loyal. Trusting honest people. And those people typically in relationships work extra hard, because they are loyal and they are honest. I always say honest, people believe that others are honest, just like liars believe that people are going through life lying all the time. And you look at these abusers and that's exactly what they do. And they're assuming that you are also as manipulative as they are. Yeah, absolutely. Because they lead their lives. Everything they do is a lie. Everything they do is curated. Everything they do is manipulation. So they assume that everybody is going through life the same way, just like you. And I assume that most people are honest and kind and loving until you meet these people and they're truly. Wolves in sheep's clothing. Yeah. I used to think that most people are good. I have a quiz on my website where you can, answer some questions and I'll help you uncover your beliefs. And one of the questions that I have on there is, which do I believe more? That most people are good or most people are bad? Because there's caveats to each one, right? If you believe most people are good, you may get trapped in things like, abusive relationships. Because you aren't seeing, you're seeing through these rose colored glasses. But then to also believe that most people are bad can leave you feeling really jaded and you won't have deep relationships or trust with people. So we have to find a balance in all of the things that we think about and that we believe, and to really. Reflect on what's true for us and then explore. Is that a reality for like everybody, or is this just something I think about because it can really impact the healing journey. It can really change. If you are somebody who is gonna feel like really bitter and resentful about life, or if you're gonna be somebody who's gonna look at life cautiously and carefully. Yeah, be more discerning, right? We learn, be more discerning. Exactly The most important thing. Hundred percent. And considering what I've experienced both professionally and personally, it's shocking that I'm still a positive person and I still do believe that people, there are more good people out there than bad. There are horrible people out there. Do not get me wrong. But I think most people have good intentions. They may accidentally hurt people in their words and their actions, but they're, the intent is not to hurt and wound and manipulate they may just be lacking in certain skills, but I think most people go through life kind. Yeah. Like I really do. Yeah. It doesn't mean that I trust everybody, but I will give you the benefit of the doubt. But I will pay attention now that I know what red flags are. I'm like, oh, I see them everywhere. Like that movie, I see ghosts everywhere. Or I see dead people everywhere. I see dead people, right? I see red flags everywhere. But I also look for green flags, and I think that's really important. So we're not walking through the world looking for the bad. We look for the good. Yeah. And attract and stick with people who display more green flags than red flags. Yeah. I think partly what I learned too was that. The best way to achieve that is through really trusting yourself. First and foremost. And developing a really strong sense of self-worth and self-love. Because when you have that as a strong foundation, it's a lot easier to see clearly. Yeah.'cause you're not being clouded by all of these other things. It's and also being able to advocate for yourself. Yeah. And listen and have, healthy boundaries, uhhuh, so you let people in. But you pay attention to how they treat you, right? Yeah. Their energy has to match your energy. So you're not just giving and they're taking it's give and take. Yeah. And this is part of healing. So how you obviously had 20 years of stress, right? That's a lot of stress because the entire relationship was stressful. Even the good times were stressful. You are waiting with bated breath, right? You are walking on eggshells, never knowing when the good time is going to switch to the bad time. How did you go from that to where you are now? Oh, that's a really good question. So what were some of the key things that you did at the beginning to help yourself start to heal and create life again. Yeah. This is going to, this is going to have a progression because in the beginning I didn't know what the heck I was doing. I immediately in, entered into therapy. Cognitive behavioral therapy with a therapist. I went every single week. For an hour, for four years. And I was trying to just take in all the information and I think a lot of times people do that when they get out of emotional abusive relationships. They're like trying to understand, reading all the books. Yeah. Trying to figure out, yeah. Education really is key. It really helps you create clarity because your entire relationship was confusing and chaotic. Yeah. It makes you feel like crazy. Oh my God, yes. And then when you start learning these things, you're like, oh my God, I'm not crazy. Yeah. This is other people are experiencing this too. So that was really the initial thing, that learning phase. But what I figured out was that at some point. You gotta like transition beyond that. Because otherwise you become this stuck, eternal, stuck. Yes. You're stuck in the education phase and the learning of trying to figure out like why they did that and why they did this, but ultimately, and then focus beyond them. Yeah. Your focus revolves around them. Don't write exactly. The initial part of your healing is educate and doing those deep dives and the late night scrolling and, yes. That's the beautiful thing about social media is there's so much knowledge at our fingertips for free. Obviously be discerning there too. Not everybody is of the same caliber as others. But if you continue to do that years and years, maybe unless you're writing like your PhD and going for I'm like your thesis. You might need to do that, but again, your focus is on them. You gotta turn it back. You need to switch that focus back onto you because you are your most valuable asset and everything starts and ends with you. Yeah, that is. That is why I say because it went on this progression. At some point I realized. I gotta stop focusing on this. I gotta figure out how to ke keep myself from getting triggered to keep myself from getting that horrible gut punch every time I get a text message to keep myself from spinning out and almost having a panic attack in the parking lot.'cause I was well beyond the relationship with him. Like, why is this still happening to me? So that's what led me to learn about subconscious healing, which is what I do to help my clients because. That was the thing that changed my life. That was the thing that caused me to be able to self-reflect enough, figure out what my thoughts were, and start to change them so that my brain isn't operating the way it used to. When I was under the stress that you were talking about and everybody here, how my automatic I'm Sure can relate, right? When you get a text or an email or a phone call. Or you see them and everything, your body just goes into hypervigilance and your stomach drops and your heart starts to beat fast, and your palms start to sweat and your shoulders go up to your ears and your teeth clench and you might spend hours afterwards decompressing. If your body is so flooded with all those chemicals and hormones, you might be shaking for hours afterwards. Yeah, for sure. For sure. And that is no way to live. No. You haven't escaped this horrible relationship to continuously be at their beck and call. Yeah, that, that's exactly right. Because that's how I was feeling like I'm not with this person anymore. I'm not even in the same vicinity as this person anymore, but yet I'm still being affected by this person. Yeah. That was just not a visceral reaction. I was just like, this is not okay with me. I feel miles away, this person is still having an impact on me. And I couldn't, they're still controlling you. I didn't like, I was empowered. Yeah. I was like, this is horrible. I didn't like it. And I was like, I have to do something about this. So that's what I did. And the rest is history, as they say. And here's the thing is that Allison still has to deal with her ex, they share children together and, yeah. He loves the legal system, right? That is a predator's playground. They love to use the legal system, either the threat of litigation filing countless motions or simply not, paying any heed to your legal parenting document your court orders. Yeah, right? Because they're above the law. And which forces you then to either, deal with them not paying attention to and thinking that it doesn't apply to them.'cause rules don't apply to them. Or you're forced back into court because of whatever reason, because they're not following along. Yeah. So it's not that he's gone, he's still there. Yeah. As like a whack-a-mole. Yeah. And oftentimes it's like a whack-a-mole. And also it's the calm before the storm. So another typical response is people like, oh, it's really quiet. And if there was quiet in your life you'd feel calm and peaceful. But when they're quiet. Oh, we go into overthinking. What are they doing? They're plotting something. This is too quiet. This is not normal. Something big's coming around the corner. Because they love to blindside people. Yeah. They really do. And I remember, it's so interesting that you brought this up because I remember years ago when that would happen because there was a lot more litigation years ago than there are now for me. And it would be like every time it got quiet, it was like the calm before the storm. Yeah. And so I would like kinda have to brace myself. And then once, once I got a hold of my emotions and I started to reprogram my mind. I didn't feel that anymore, and I think it's really because I was feeling strong and empowered, and even if that were the case, it wouldn't matter because I was prepared, I was smart, I am ready. I can handle it. Like all the things that previously would've derailed me. Yeah, we're no longer there. I see your posts and you're like, oh, here we go again. But I've just, I have all my documentation in order and so the emotional component is taken out. It just becomes a business transaction and it's tedious. I always tell my clients, my goal in working with you is to get you to a place where they're no longer the boogeyman. They no longer live under your bed, and they have the scary element. They're more like a fly around ointment, so they're annoying. You get like a text message from them and you're like, man, there goes five minutes of my life. But you don't get the same visceral reaction, the same full body meltdown, and then the days of rumination and stress and all that sort of anxiety. They no longer have control over you that way. And that's the beauty of working with coaches and mentors is that you actually, therapy is wonderful. There's a place for both therapy helps you unpack. Coaching and mentorship help you create action plans on how you can extricate yourself from situations and create different outcome. So I think both are beautiful and if you have the right therapist, especially a lot of therapists don't understand this type of abuse, especially if it's covert. But if you have the right therapist who's trauma informed and understands course of control, and then you have a coach who can, that is the perfect parent. Now, not everybody can afford that money can oftentimes be very tight for people. And that's oftentimes why people stay stuck, is because they simply don't have the right community support, the right expert support, familial support, friend support, and they also lack the financial resources. Yeah. Yeah. And that's a tough situation and I've encountered that with a lot of people myself, and that is why I'm, I know a lot of helpers out there have different levels of resources and tools to help people. Even our podcast is one. Yeah. It's free. Free. It's free. It's free. And so this is. Yes, it's not fair. We would love if I had a money tree, if I was a trust fund baby. If I won the lottery, I would do this work for free. That's not the reality of my life. Probably like your life as well. So there, but there's free resources that we can, educate you with social media, podcasts, newsletters. You said you have a quiz on your website that's also another free resource. Yep. You can curate. Yes. It takes more time. You have to go through and you have to sift through people's information. Find people that align with you and that resonate with you. Our job, I think yours as well as mine, is to help people start to trust themselves again. Yeah. Trust your instincts, right? A huge part of abuse is the gaslighting, and gaslighting really erodes your sense of self trust. You really start to doubt everything about yourself, your beliefs, your opinions, your memory, who you are, your values. How many victims of abuse are in relationships and believe that they are the source of the problem. If they only did X, Y, Z differently, the outcome would be different. And so many people leave these relationships with the same belief, right? They may not be happy, they may understand, but they don't understand that they are actually. Not at all responsible for what they just experienced and continue to experience. Yeah. So there are resources out there that are free. Obviously there are also paid resources. So for you, what would be, other than working with you, which would be I think so complimentary to other types of coaching as well, having you helping people unlock and unblock the subconscious, because I think everything starts there. Yeah. What are other tools that people or tips that you have for people listening in Okay. To start or continue on, or just, sometimes it's just listening to one thing, going, I'm gonna try that.'Cause everything, not everything works for everybody. Yeah. So this is why I love to have people on so that you can listen and something's gonna resonate. You might try that, it may not work for you, but it may work for somebody else. Okay. So I think the first thing that I, there's two, two main things that I think people. Would benefit from hearing is that. When you start on your healing journey, it's not about fixing yourself or that somehow you're broken. Like I hear this all the time, you are not broken. There is nothing wrong with you. The reason that you are triggered, the reason you have these trauma responses and adaptations, the reason you have these things that come up for you, like whether they're behaviors, you get defensive, you have anxiety, whatever it might be. Is all because of the programming that happened to you, maybe all the way back to childhood. It could be like in just the relationship that you were in that was abusive, but often the things that we believe is just running a program similar to how you would, if you programmed a robot to bring you lunch every day at 12 o'clock. And then one day you decided that you were gonna plug through and work through lunch, and your robot brings you lunch at 12 and you're like annoyed because it brought you lunch at the wrong time. You're like, no, you can't be mad at it because it's programmed to do that. So you are not broken. That is not something you need to fix. You can't you can't like fix something. On a human being, right? This isn't what we're trying to do. We're trying to, you are not broken. And that's a really important, because so many of us leave these relationships believing that way that we're broken and we do feel broken. Yes. We feel, like we've hit rock bottom. There's just, we are picking ourselves up from the very bottom. Yeah. And that feels very broken. Yeah, not broken. You have to shift your thought about that. You have to start realizing that you are not broken, that you are just evolving, you are just growing. You are progressing. Choose your words carefully. Yeah. Words, something else. Words matter and how we speak to ourselves. We would never speak to people that we loved this way. You would never say you're broken, like to, to your child or your best friend. You need fix things. No, you don't say that. So how we speak to ourselves is really important. It becomes our, is our inner dialogue. And if you've been raised by abusers or partner with an abuser, oftentimes their dialogue is, becomes your inner dialogue. Yeah. Can just venture a guess that it wasn't a positive dialogue they were giving you. You're so wonderful, Allison. You're so capable. You're the smartest person. It was probably the opposite of that. Exactly. So it's your job to reframe, re rewire how you speak to yourself and Yeah. You're gonna make mistakes. You're gonna slip, especially if this has been going on for 20 years, this negative self-talk. Yeah. But how you speak to yourself. It changes so much. Yeah. So that's a perfect segue into the second piece of this is what I mentioned earlier, is one you're not broken, but two, you have to have awareness. Like you have to understand that these things are happening to you because of your belief systems, because of the programs that have been in. Stalled in you, your culture, your religion, your parents, your teachers, the bullies on the playgrounds, like all of those things impacted what you, every interaction you've ever had. Everyone, because we know all the experiences. You can have one quick interaction with somebody and that can literally change how you s think about yourself and how you look at yourself and what you think you know. Your belief about yourself. You gotta be, you gotta be aware, like where did this come from? What am I believing? Why do I believe this? Did somebody tell me this? Is this my voice? Is this someone else's voice? So these are really important things to not only realize that you're not broken, but that. You have to have awareness about what's actually running through your head, because if not, you're either a zombie or you're a robot or you're on autopilot and we gotta get us back in the driver's seat. Like we need to be in the driver's seat. Many victims and survivors feel like they're in the passenger seat. And they feel like they don't have any control over their lives, their thoughts. For my clients and my members and people that follow me. I love mantras, especially when you're learning to create positive self-talk. Have one on your bathroom mirror. And this is also good for your children too. Create your own mantra. I'm capable. Yeah. I'm loving whatever it is. Yeah. Memorize it. Repeat it When you wake up in the morning throughout the day before you go to sleep. And for your children who have to cohabitate with their abusers. They, no matter what their other parent is saying to them, no matter what the bully on the playground is saying, or their coach or their teacher, because we're going to encounter bullies and abusers throughout our lives. No matter where we are. Yeah. Yeah. But if you have a mantra, no matter what somebody else is saying to you, you can in your head say, that's actually not my truth. Yeah. I am loving. I am capable. I am lovable. I'm strong. I'm brave. Yeah, let me give a tip to really enhance that, because I love mantras and affirmations and the thing. Oh, so you're gonna supersize this. I love it. Oh yes. The mantra on steroids. The theme is gonna make this even better for you because here's what I tell my clients a lot. I'm like, you can tell yourself I am good enough, I'm strong, I'm capable 500,000 times a day, but. You have to actually speak the language of the subconscious. Yeah. It has to come with two things. It has to come with the visualization and it has to come with your heart, meaning your emotion. So you had mentioned things like, oh, I'm capable, or I'm strong, or like things like that. If you're really trying to believe these things about you, let's just use, I am capable. As an example, you look in the mirror and you're like, I am capable, right? Some people are gonna be like, no I'm not. All these other stories tell me, look how I failed. Look how I didn't do it. Look da. So it's hard'cause it's almost am I gaslighting myself into believing that I'm capable?'cause I don't believe it, right? But here's what you do. This is the trick. What you do is you go back and you trace the history of your life. And you think when was a time I was capable? Just one time. Was I capable when I had to solve a really complex problem at work? Was I capable when I had to plan my exit for my marriage? And then what you do is you take those examples and you replay them like a movie in your mind, and you get proud of yourself for that. So you're taking the visual and you're pairing it with the emotion, and you're like, oh, way more impactful. I am capable. Versus just the words. Because your subconscious mind sees in stories and images, analogies, and emotion, and it doesn't really get on board with just the plain old words. So to supercharge it, try that. That can be so very powerful. And I love that because with my clients I tell them, I want you to make a running list of all the things you've accomplished in your life. And they can be big and small things from infancy all the way to where you are right now and add to it. And it can be just like I was able to change my oil in my car, or I made the best banana, pancakes for my children and we had the best day, right? All these things really show you and it reminds you. How capable you are. So those days when you're doubting yourself, you go back to this list and go, actually, I'm kick ass. And I've accomplished so much in my life despite adversity. Yes. Love, and I've always come out. I love that. And I love that. And it's shocking. People are oftentimes hesitant, especially if you are a victim of abuse. We typically have a hard time looking at ourselves in a positive way.'cause this person has conditioned us to see ourselves in the negative. Yep. Yeah. For, and it's our job. Nobody else can do this for you. So much your trauma, your abuse is not your responsibility, but your healing absolutely is. Yes. Yes. And you can't outsource that shit. You can hire people to help you and guide you. But if you are not willing and you're not taking the action and you're not doing the work. You're gonna stay stuck, right? Yeah. So you actually have to start relying on yourself again, like I said at the beginning, you are your best asset and you're your only surefire thing in life. You can't control anybody else but yourself. How you show up, the work that you do, the actions you take, the beliefs that you start to ingrain yourself with, again, the positive self-talk. This all starts with you. Yeah. And I love how you supersize the mantra. I love mantras and you've just injected them with a whole new level. So it's not just words, you're actually. Really believing what you're saying. Yeah. And you're not trying to convince yourself of something that's not true. Yeah.'cause you actually have proof. You are like, oh wait, but I did do that. I did make the best banana bread pancakes for my kids ever. Or whatever, like I'm not like, oh Chantel, you're six foot one and you're a blonde bombshell. No Chantal, you're five foot four and you have dark, curly hair. Yeah. Your brain is never gonna get on board if it doesn't even believe it. So that's why we have to start with things that are. Even smaller. Or just that don't have a huge emotional charge to them. It's easier for your brain to get on board and make that jump because it's been holding on to these old beliefs and these old stories for a really long time. Yeah. So it's gonna resist, it's gonna be like. What are you talking about? I don't, I'm not smart. I am not good enough. I am it's because it's been on this track for so long. It's I'm not, I'm, I don't like this. This is new for me. This has changed. I don't want to do that. And it feels uncomfortable. Yes. Especially if you've had an abuser in your life. They do not want you to feel good about yourself. They want you to second guess everything about yourself, to look at yourself in a negative way so that you actually feel really thankful and grateful for them. Because you are not good enough and they could do better, but they're settling for you and you think, oh, thank you so much for being here. Despite the abuse and despite the breadcrumbs, you're thankful you lock it out. Yeah. And it keeps them in a position of power and authority because when they keep you feeling like that, then you're gonna rely on them. You're gonna be like, oh, I can't make a decision. I need to ask you. Or, oh, I don't know what the right thing to do is, so I need to ask you. Like you're gonna constantly resort to. You're gonna defer to them. And this is the same for our children. Our children are the same. Abusers need the world to revolve around them. They like to isolate you not only from good support, but also from yourself. From trusting yourself and relying upon yourself and feeling capable about yourself. And the same thing is applicable to our children. This is a thing that I try to impart on anybody who listens, watches, reads, works with me, is the same tactics of abuse that your ex used on you. Are the same tactics they're using on your children. Yeah. So you have to give your children the same grace that you would a best friend, and understand that so many of their behaviors and their reactions and responses are not coming from a place of just being jerks. They're literally trying to survive in the best way they know how and they don't see an out. So a lot of the behaviors that. They come back with, for you are not a reflection of you as a parent. In fact, they are, but not the way that you think. It's because they feel so safe with you. They know that your love is so unconditional. They can treat you no matter which way. And you will always show up and they do not have that same level of security with their other parent. Yeah. They know if they don't toe the line, if they don't align, if they don't, stroke their egos and boost them up and do what they want, there's going to be ramifications. Yeah. I've had so many women come to me with the sphere that their kids are gonna choose the abuser over them because they have this I guess you know, as a mo, a mom specifically,'cause I work with women, but mothers specifically are just afraid that the the other parent is going to manipulate them, gaslight them, badmouth them, cause them to not, and they do their parent and they do. And they do. Absolutely do. But you have a lot of power to negate that. That's right. And that's what I just say. They're powerful, but you can equally be just as powerful. Yeah. And your narrative, your parenting, how you show up for your children, how you meet them. Is equally as powerful. Yes. But you have to be intentional. Yes. And I think also that kids are smarter than we give'em credit for. Like when you have two parents and one is acting a certain way and one is acting a totally opposite way. They can tell the difference. They can see who is the healthier person, who is making me feel bad? Who's guilting me? Who's manipulating me? Who's controlling me? Versus the one that you said before, like the safe parent, the one they can unload on, the one that they can be, fall into your arms after a really hard day at the other parent's house.'Cause remember, our children can't be themselves in the other house, just like you were with your abuser, you literally. Had to believe everything that they believed had the same opinions. You had to cater to them. Your entire existence revolved around serving them. Your children are the same, so every emotion other than happiness has to be pushed down. They're not safe to say I'm unhappy. They might when they're younger, but they quickly become conditioned to suppress every emotion, which is why typically. When they come back to you, they're very dysregulated because they've been holding this stuff in unable to be themselves, and they just need to release. It's like verbal toxin coming out. It's right. The other parent is the toxin and you're the antidote. And I had a therapist tell that to me early on and I was like, Ugh, that's so sad. But I have to remind myself. And you have to remind yourself, certain people are toxins. And you are the antidote, which means that you are very powerful. Yeah. And you have to remember that. Do you have any last minute nuggets? You've given us some really great ones. But any last minute? I don't know. Positive. Yeah. Ultimately, the thing that I would wanna leave people with is knowing that healing. Isn't healing and recovery and all this stuff after emotional abuse shouldn't be about coping and band-aiding the problem because, and you can do it that way, but it's gonna come up at a certain time. Correct. So it's either now or later. Yes, you can keep doing, if you keep doing the same things that you've always done and you're not getting a different result. Then it is time to change what you're doing. And that's what I learned because I was doing the same things. I was trying all the things. I was attending therapy, spending thousands of dollars, doing all the same things, and I wasn't getting a different result. So I'm like, why is this happening to me? And it was such a light bulb moment when I discovered that I had to get just like a weed. You pull the weed out. If you don't get the root, it's gonna keep growing back. So for me, that was a life changing thing, was like we, we've gotta get to the root of this and then we can have true transformation. Otherwise, if you just clip that weed off at the top, it's just gonna keep growing back and you're gonna have to keep dealing with it. And you're bandaid, band-aiding, band-aiding, band-aiding all the time. So for me it's healing happens when you stop coping and you get to the source and that was really it. Painful. Very helpful. It's, and it's painful healing. This is why a lot of people. Merely cope. And they suppress. And they medicate very. Yep. And so it's scrolling or netflixing or reading books or working out three or four hours a day or drinking or whatever it is to help you cope and. Sometimes you just need that reprieve so you can just, yeah. Rest. But yeah, if you want true transformation, and I love that word, you actually have to stop what you're doing. If you're stuck, if you're stagnant, if you're not moving forward and making progress, you actually have to do something radical. Yeah. And oftentimes that feels very scary especially investing in yourself in any capacity, be it energy wise, time-wise, or financially. And sometimes you actually have to take that leap of faith you do and just try something radical. Worst case scenario, you waste a little bit of time and money. Best case scenario. It is literally the key that unlocks real healing and real forward progress. Yeah. And I love that. And that's the work that you do. I it is. And I love it and it has worked for me and it works for lots and lots of people and. I would say one other thing, Chantal, is that sometimes people will feel afraid to take that step, like you're saying, because it means something. If they heal, it means something. If I move forward, it means something if I have this amazing life. And that's something that it comes up a lot in the coaching client relationships that I have, and I help women through that because we're not. Just coping because we want to stay eternally, like unhealed. That's not why, but oftentimes to make real change and to like actually be this expansive, amazing, have this wonderful life, that means we have to give up something else. And and I bet it also has a lot to do with how you value yourself, that maybe you're not worthy of this. It does of that greatness. You may feel like I'm not worth this, or I don't deserve to be healed. Or maybe you feel like it's a punishment for yourself to continue this way without true transformation. Or maybe you feel like if I do it, then that means they got away with what they did. So it's really important to like peel back the layers and ask yourself these deep, hard questions like. Why wouldn't I want to actually be healed? And you wouldn't believe how many people say I do. I do wanna be healed. But there's always this like underlying thing because if you truly wanted it, it would happen. Yep. But you stay stuck. Something blocking you. It's safe. It feels safer. So it feels safer. A hundred percent. It feels safer, even though you know it's not good and you don't like where you are, it's just what you know and it feels safe. Your body goes with what it knows, which is oftentimes why people continue to repeat the same patterns. Yeah. Go for the same types of people. It's because it's what you know. Yeah. Doesn't mean, and even though you know it's not good, doesn't mean, yeah. Doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. You need to give yourself compassion. You need to give yourself grace. This isn't something anybody ever taught us how to do. No one. Go through emotional abuse. Two, learn how to get out of it. Three, learn how to, heal and then thrive. Yep. All these things. Yeah. So give yourself some love, give yourself some grace and compassion. Get support. Find the people, find your tribe, whoever, to help you through whatever you're going through.'cause there are people out there who know what it's like, like you and me. Yeah. And there's so much life to be lived. And if you don't take the action, if you don't, trust yourself, take the leap, do something different. You simply don't know what you're missing out on. Yeah, and there's so much beauty to be had, and that doesn't mean that the pain doesn't go away, that the grief isn't still there, that you don't have an active abuser in your life trying to ruin everything, but it simply means that you show up more empowered and educated and able to deal with it while living a good life. Yeah. See, the two things can be at the same time, you can live a great life. And still have your abuse of ex in the background. Trying. But they don't. Our job is to minimize their impact on you so that they are a fly around ointment and not this big boogeyman. Yes. And how many of you want that? I don't think anyone's been like, oh, I, yeah. But it all starts with you. Yes. Our job is merely to show you how to do it exactly right. But you are the person. You are powerful. You have survived. Every single day, a hundred percent of the worst days of your life, you have survived this person who has tried very hard to break you very hard, and you're still here. You may feel like you are broken. You may feel like you're at the bottom, but you're still here. Exactly. Your book is not over. This is merely a chapter. But again, you have to arm yourself with the tools you have to arm yourself with the pen to create this new chapter, to write this new chapter of your life. On that note, Alison, thank you so much for being here today. There are so many awesome golden nuggets throughout this entire 45 minutes, 50 minutes that we've been together. And I know that you're going to be helping so many men and women. You work with women, but this is for everybody. Yeah. Men, women, and everybody in between, grandparents, parents, children, anybody who has to deal with this type of personality. This is for you and there's so many little nuggets in here. All throughout, it's like breadcrumbs, but beautiful breadcrumbs. Not like the disgusting feast that they try to get. Yeah. Not like the ones from narcissistic, these are like a fresh baguette from France and we've just, broken some little pieces off and they're scattered throughout the podcast. Yeah, it's like a scavenger hunt for you. There we go. I love that. So thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you for listening to the Survivor's Playbook. If today's episode help you feel less alone, more confident, empowered, and more educated, please share it with others who may also need the same. And if you're ready for deeper support, you can join my monthly membership or grab free tools on my website. The link to all the information, including Allison and myself, are in the show notes. Remember, your clarity is your power. Your calm is your resistance. You are not crazy. You are not alone. You are not powerless. Until next time, keep going. I see you.