Ep. 13: From alienated child to thriving adult, Maegan's story

This is the episode for every protective parent who is worried about how the abuse is affecting their child. For every protective parent (that includes you too, stepparents), who have watched their once bonded child align completely with their abusive parent. 

How many of you have sleepless nights, wondering if they'll ever see through the lies, confusion, brainwashing, and chaos? Wondering how they'll possibly ever come back to you?? This is Maegan's story, as a child with two narcissistic caregivers and one protective mom, a mom who never stopped loving her, showing up for her, and being there for her, even when the pressure became too much for Maegan and she was forced to align completely with her abusers against her mom. 

This is a real life story, like so many of yours, of pain, pressure, disconnection, but also, healing, growth and reconnection. 

No matter where you are on this journey, know that there is in fact hope. 

Visit: https://chantalcontorinescoaching.com to learn how to work with me.

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https://chantalcontorinescoaching.myflodesk.com/free-how-to-guide

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This podcast is for educational purposes only and is not legal advice.

Transcript

0:01

Welcome everybody to The Survivor's Playbook. I'm your host, Chantal Contorines and this is the podcast for every survivor of abuse. If abusers can have a playbook, then why can't survivors also have one so that we can create lives we love, despite what the abuser in our lives do or don't do. And today I'm so very excited to have the amazing Maegan Aleece on. She is a woman who wears many hats, but really her story started in childhood. And I really wanna focus on where she came from and what she's done with her life. Irrespective of the childhood that she had. So thank you Maegan, so much for being here, for taking the time out of your busy life to, give us tips and tricks, especially for those protective parents who are worried about their children. Absolutely. It is a pleasure to be here and to speak from the perspective as a child with growing up and being raised and exposed to, yeah, narcissists. So can you touch base on who in your life was the abusive parent? Yes. Or person. So I had two caregivers and they, I had step stepparents and stuff as well growing up and not my mom. So without saying exactly who your mom was a saving grace. My mom was a saving grace. My, my nana as well, my mom's mom. So I did have two amazing loving souls in my life. And then two damaged souls, for lack of better terms. We could probably use many other descriptive words. Yep. Yeah, and I lived half the time with my mom and half the time with my other two caregivers and it was probably around the age of, I wanna say nine when I started to have that split living and full-time for my grade 12 year with the narcissist. Unfortunately, me not knowing or understanding what even a narcissist was or what even was happening to me, why I was so confused, why my emotions were all over the place, why I didn't like my mom, because unfortunately there was. Parental alienation and I didn't see it at the time. How could you, yeah, you can't, I was 16. You were a child. Yeah. When that was happening, but I did my, like the wool was pulled over my eyes. I did eventually like just see what was happening to me a few years later. And I do wanna without spoiling the end, but just, I do wanna spoil the end. Came out on top, came out on the other side of it with such a beautiful, loving relationship with my mom. That was like being trying to. Pulled away and taken away and view her a way that she wasn't. So just for anyone listening at their thoughts happening to them, just so you they can know there is, there, there is hope. There's hope. They will see we will see when we're no longer a child and influenced by other people's words and energy. And there's separation in some distance, yeah. And that's the thing, and I tell so many people, it's like a cult. And the premise of every cult is brainwashing and indoctrination. And if you say something enough times, especially a person in a position of power, which every parent is, every caregiver for every child is a person in a position of power, who children innately trust, for their survival and their protection. If this person in a position of authority and power is telling you something over and over again, you start to internalize it. And it is absolutely horrifically abusive because now that you have a relationship with your mom, thank goodness. Yeah. But that was painful. Not only for her as a protective parent who you know, loved you, but also for you, it doesn't feel good for a child to treat a parent this way. Even if you believed what your caregivers were telling you about her what was the first step? Can you go back to when you're in that so many protective parents, like, how am I ever gonna get my child back? They're so entrenched in and they're so hateful towards me, don't wanna talk to me, they don't wanna see me. Everything I do and say, is met either with silence. Yeah. Or was scorn and rudeness. And projections back. So what was the first thing that happened for you as either a teenager or young adult to really start to see through? Yeah. My mom never gave up even when I was mean to her and everything you just said. I was rude to her. And it wasn't my thoughts, it wasn't my energy. It was all from the narcissist, like flowing through me to her.'cause they wanted to hurt her. Yeah. And I was the weapon. And she never gave up. She never faulted me. She never. Never, ever stopped loving me or trying to have a relationship with me or calling me even when I would like not answer many times or not give her the time of the day, like she didn't quit and I remember it specifically she wanted us to go to therapy and I was like, you need the therapy. What are you talking about? Being like 21 and like being riddled with all of these lies for so long. And I went to therapy with her and to hear her perspective of her life and choices and decisions that I only heard one side of that wasn't from her. I just, it was like every lie started to crumble because I could see her really for the first time, her pain, her truth, and what was so many lies. And it hit me how much I was being used to hurt her. And how that, it just stopped. It stopped that day.'cause I couldn't unhear what she was saying. I couldn't unsee what she was going through, and I wasn't gonna be a weapon anymore, and I just, I could just see what was happening that I couldn't see before. Because I really listened to what she was saying and it was, it, I guess it was just divine timing or the order, but it was in that therapy session that I didn't wanna go to. Yeah. And she just kept requesting and kept being kind and kept asking. And it changed everything. And what I tell protective parents is you have to meet your children who are being abused. They are being weaponized against you. The abuser is using them to hurt you. Children don't feel good about this. They carry a lot of shame and fear. Fear of what the abusive of parents going to do or not do if they don't comply. And really you're just trying to protect yourself the only way that you know how. And that's by doing what they want you to do. But, for protective parents, the thing is you have to meet your children with high love, but low obligation. So the reverse is true in a narcissistic household where there's high obligation but low love. And so your mom did that. She met you with high love, but low obligation. I'm here. I love you. I'm still here. I still love you. Doesn't matter how you treat me, I still love you. Which I'm sure for you was the opposite of the other caregivers in your life who, if you don't do what I want, you are not going to get the affection that you're so desperate for. Yeah. It was so conditional. Absolutely. And so that's the hope that I want protective parents listening to this, right? You were a child, you were used, and that also is very painful. You got a little bit teary there obviously, because this is your life. This is your mom, these are your parents. These are people who were in your life, people who were supposed to protect you, one protected you, one did the best they could. But when you're up against abusers, they're relentless because abuse is always about power and control. And so any victim, any survivor, be they child or adult, really needs to divest themself of any. Shame or guilt. Everyone's just trying to survive the only way that they know how children and adults alike. How did you start repairing? How did your mom and you start to connect? Because I hear from what so many people, but there's so much divide. I've lost so much time.. It's been two years since I talked to my child. How are we going to get that time back? How are we going to find our way back together again? To a place where you're not walking on eggshells. Worried about the other abusive parent interjecting again. Yeah, with my journey I was, yeah, started to be in my twenties, so I was able to create distance with the people that I needed to create distance with, and my mom never. Never made me feel guilty or shameful of how I did treat her in the past. So we weren't focusing on oh, all this time lost. We were focusing on the now and moving forward, and it just started to build naturally because the love I was blocking to give her, like it is so natural for a child to want to love their parents. So it just naturally flowed back and it didn't. It didn't. It was organic. It didn't feel like there had to be huge interventions by no means. But we did continue therapy together and actually doing my own inner work and my own healing and my own therapy healed our relationship so much.'cause there was so much that I was carrying and so much that happened to me and impacted and affected me that. It would be weird to maybe just tell your child to go to therapy, but like they need that help. They need that support. Their inner world is tumultuous. It is not like it's probably shattered their self-esteem, their self-concept, like every idea they have about life and relationships are outta whack. They just really are. So I did a lot on my own that has. Just in turn been so great for my relationship with my mom. And that's the thing. It's'cause I work so much with protective parents and this tactic, this. Creating a divide between a loving, engaged parent and a child who loves this parent is their go-to tactic. Why? Because it's the most painful. Yeah. But you didn't stop loving your mom, right? No. Like even when you were pushing her away. Yeah. You still loved your mom? Yeah. You can't turn that off. It's just too natural. You can try to block it and resist it, and it's almost like that force builds up and then the floodgates open and it's so much love and it's no, like my mom would talk every single day and I tell her everything and it's so different, but it's beautiful what we have. And I just do wish that for every protective parent out there, for them and to know that is a possibility and to not give up hope. If mom, if my mom maybe gave up, like maybe then the lies would just grow legs and be like, yeah, they were right, what they said about her, so her not giving up and not making me feel guilty or shameful for how I did treat her, because it wasn't actually my thoughts or my energy was so important. That's critical. And I can't stress that enough. Yeah. Your child already has so much guilt and shame. They don't feel good about themselves. This is not coming from a place of, I feel good doing this to a parent that I love. Children have to suppress their emotions. They are victims of abuse. Just like adults are, but it's their caregivers, it's their parents doing it, and so it's that much more confusing. But it's so important. Yes, you might lose years of their childhood and you can't get those back, but your parenting doesn't end just because a child turns 18. If you do it right, it goes on even after we die. Yeah, I'm 33 and my mom is my mom. Like I call her when I don't know how to bake salmon. I'm like, how do I do this? Like she will never stop momming and I love it. She comes to my house and cleans out my cupboards. Like just does like mom things that, yeah, am I, can I be sad and focus on I didn't have that when I was younger and just let that part of me be sad for sure. But I'm so happy and so grateful I have that now. I wouldn't trade it for anything. Yeah. Yeah. And it took time. It took work, yeah. And it took consistency. That's the key. Yeah. And it's very painful for protective parents. And I understand you want a response. And I always tell my clients and my members, keep it high love, low obligation, text them memories that pop up on your phone. With the caveat that I don't need a response. I just want you to know that I'm still thinking about you, that I'm still here and I love you no matter what. It's that I love you no matter what. Yeah. The unconditional love, because one day they will see that the love I say in quotations because I don't even think it's real love. It's not real love. Yeah. The quote unquote love that they get from the other, it's so conditional and a child doesn't know that. But when you start to develop your own thoughts and you create distance and you'll see the protective parents'. Love is unconditional and that's what every soul craves and yearns and desires for, and it will come to a head. It will, and this is the thing is every child just wants their parent to love them unconditionally. Yes, unconditionally. One parent in these dynamics does, that's the protective parent, and one does not. So the child just works harder trying to get that parent who can't love them unconditionally, to love them unconditionally, but at some point, if you just keep showing up for your child, if you just keep loving them wholeheartedly, no matter what, no strings attached. My love for you is not, conditional. It doesn't matter what you look like or how you behave, or what grades you get or what awards you get, or how many points you score in your basketball game or you're taking me back me back, so I'll be. Conditions. Yeah. Yeah. Oh man. Oh yeah. But children continuously work harder for that parent, and this is what so many protective parents don't understand. Why do they do that? Like why do they side with this parent when it's so obvious that I love them and my house is peaceful and they come to my house and they just can breathe a sigh of relief here, but yet they choose to go back to that parent and they choose to, can you, do you know why you did that as a child? Sometimes hearing it from the actual source. Yeah. A child who actually can be different. Yeah. I was a kid. I was a kid and I was like, you love both your parents? And I was, obviously very conditionable and moldable at such a young age. I didn't have my own perspectives. And it's almost like the more powerful or intense perspective is what you latch onto. And yeah, it was, it is like, all I can say is like you're, they're just a kid. Like they don't have their own ideas or truths or belief systems and. That was what also just wanting to not create separation and to have love for both parents. I just had a really big heart and I mean my sister was different. She was able to like turn that off, but I couldn't, and maybe it was like the little girl inside of me that just wanted her daddy to love her and I. Never really could detach from that because it is such a want and a desire. It's not normal to not love a parent, even when they say horrible things or they only give you love and attention and validation for conditions. It's just not, that's not normal. Yeah. But it's also not normal for a child to, to recognize that. Of course not. How would you know? You can't and you don't. And this is all you know, whatever your parents give you is what you consider love. And that, and children are biologically designed to, do what their parents need and want to protect themselves. It's just a survival mechanism. And these types of parent weaponize that. Yeah. And honestly too, kids are very impressionable with gifts or treats or if you get straight A's I'll give you this, so I. That he doesn't like a good, yeah, everybody likes a good gift, right? And so if you have a parent who's doing that, especially one who has access to money, I say the worst kind of abusers are the moneyed abusers because it's very easy to buy a new car or a new wardrobe or if you do this, then you get this and there's literally a financial reward at the end of that. That's very enticing. It is for so many people. It is. So that's another element. And again, you can't fault a child, a teenager, you can't even fault someone in their twenties. No. That's a, that's a tough time for some people. Yeah. Figuring things out. And if you're gonna get extra support and it comes with a little bit of pain, you're gonna pick that. Yeah. And there's no shame for anybody. If adults who understand that abuse can happen, fall victim to predators, who prey on people who are giving and loving, how can children who don't understand that this exists in the world, who don't understand that their parents can be this way? Of course there's no guilt or shame there. You're just a child trying to survive and trying to make sense of something that's incomprehensible. Incredibly confusing and very chaotic. Yeah. That's the premise of these types of homes is it's very confusing, very chaotic. Goalposts are always changing. Just when you think you've done something right, it's oh, that's not good enough. Now I want you to do this. Oh, you scored 10 goals. Why didn't you score 15? Oh, you got a hundred percent. Why didn't you get the three bonus points? You're like talking about my childhood. I'm like, oh, yeah. I was so excited. One time I came home with 99% and it was, why didn't you get a hundred? I was like, oh, okay. I will never be enough. So that's a great limiting belief that I had to spend a lot of time in therapy. Undo. But this is the thing though, is that you did undo that Yes. I, this is really important. Your children are, all children come out of childhood needing therapy. That's just the reality. Yeah. Two loving parents, doesn't matter. All parents mess up. We do our best, but. Children are dynamic. There's no manual to go with every child's personality. Yeah. But you did the work. Yeah. Yeah. This is, and it gave me Yeah. Understand and see and view people and the world and everything. It's, it is really made me. Resilience and I feel like I have a little radar for these types of people because they, they're everywhere. They're everywhere. They're out there. Yep. And honestly it's really led me into the work that I do now, and it's made me a better RTT therapist for it because I have fricking lived experience of what. This can do to your inner world and how it can stick with you and how it makes you really see relationships and success and working hard and love so distorted. But also when you undo that it's, you don't go back to it'cause you can't unsee it. You can't. You're like, whoa, I see now what was really happening. And honestly. That's some pretty good knowledge and data points to have for your life as a grownup moving forward. Yeah. So honestly, I can see the good I've also wired myself to always see the good because there was so much bad and there was so much negativity, and there was so much manipulation. There. I've learned a lot about myself, about relationships, about healing, about recovering, about just so much that I wouldn't have had because I did ask myself that. I was like, God, universe, whatever's up there, like, why did you put me in this family? Like I just wanted to be loved and I just wanted to love and. I like why, like I was so upset and so sad and it just like really hit me that if I start to heal and I'm a light in a dark bloodline, I bring light to that. And that might get a little esoteric and woo for some people. But that, so like that feeling of i'm a light soul, and yes, there was some darkness, but now I'm shining on that like this changes my bloodline, and I think that's a perfect perspective. So you've taken what? I needed that because I was like, why? The why else? Like just for pain? No, no thanks. No. I would've rather had a nice childhood with two parents who loved me and all my caregivers happy and healthy, and co-parenting beautifully. Yeah, that would've been the idea, but that wasn't your reality. So you radically accepted that wasn't your reality. Obviously it was painful. We're not saying that it was pain free. Even still talking about it, it still is an emotional component. But you haven't stayed stuck. No. And this is the key to healing and growing and thriving is. Unsticking yourself from whatever limiting beliefs you have because of the abuse you've experienced are experiencing, continue to experience, and really learning to take action and take accountability moving forward. Yeah. You're not responsible for what happened to you, but you are responsible for the action that you take now to ensure that you create a life that you love and you've done that. Yeah. And if I could also like. Suggests for protective parents for them to do therapy because ugh, what the lies that have been told to them. I'm sure their self-esteem and self-concepts and shattered. It's if you can start to, to heal and be really who you are and clear out, ugh, ugh, all that ick you are going to be even how you e. What your energy is and how you walk and how you talk like that will just even attract, yeah, help and support your child too, because you're not gonna be so shattered. You're gonna be whole, and that is very. Attractive and yeah, it's magnetic it PE kids feel that. People feel that, and I always tell my clients that. I say, you escaping is one thing, but if on the other side of escaping this abusive relationship, you are broken. Yeah. You're not, this is not to shame them even more, but it's not very attractive for your child. Why would your child take that leap and do The hardest thing for a child is to, escape this abusive parental dynamic and create boundaries with their abusive parent. If on the other side of that. There is no hope. And you feel, and you also mentioned something earlier on, it's, and it's something really key. Children are drawn towards people who are going to protect them and even though it's erroneous, the parent who is the most. Like the most powerful, right? And this is typically the abuser who, comes across as very in charge. They're capable, they're doing stuff, even if it's bad stuff, but they keep constantly winning. A child chooses them, not because they have a choice, but because they're like this is actually the person who can protect me. And it's warped, doesn't make sense to the average person. But on the other side is a quote unquote meeker parent one who's just trying to survive one who's also experiencing abuse. And the child looks at these two people and says, okay, this person here doesn't make me feel comfortable, but if I do what they say, they're gonna be able to take care of me. Yeah, no, that actually is very spot on and. It really is. Obviously every dynamic and child's experience is gonna be different, but I can say from my own children are very resilient and I feel like my mom unfortunately got the most hurt and pain and got out the worst of it, then I would say I did. Even though looking back I see manipulation, I see the parental alienation, I see the not good or great things. I still feel as a child it didn't. Or maybe I just did more therapy. I don't know, but I'd just feel like my mom got out way worse. So a protective parent, what I'm trying to say is don't put your perspective of what you went through onto them, because it probably actually is way worse that happened to you than your child. At least in my experience, which is also why you have to start healing yourself. Yes. And you have to start investing in yourself and building yourself back up. Because any person who's been in this relationship, when you leave this relationship and you escape, you are not feeling optimal. You're not feeling good about yourself. You don't have high self-esteem and confidence, and you don't, think, oh, I can. I can rule the world right now. These people whittle away at your sense of independence and autonomy and abilities. So when you leave, you really don't feel like you are worth anything. And yeah. Part of your work, not only for yourself and to really be for yourself, but also for your children, is to build yourself back up, whatever that looks like. Therapy, coaching. Yeah. Hypnotherapy, all of it. Nutrition, all of it. I know. For all of it. Literally actually. Yeah. Yeah. Truthfully. So that you build yourself back stronger than you. Ever been. So when your child, if they have aligned against you with their, abusive parent, when they do come back to you, and that's gonna be hard for this child because they have to actually realize the reality of this other parent. And part of that reality is this parent didn't actually love me. That's not what love is. They're gonna need you to be strong. They're gonna need you to guide them. They're gonna need you to envelop them with so much love and tenderness and calm and, guidance and support. And you can't give that if you haven't yourself, started doing the work to heal yourself. A hundred percent. A hundred percent. I will still call my mom to this day and be like, I need to hear you say it's okay that I can make mistakes. I need to hear you say that it's okay that I can fail, like telling me things that I needed to hear when I was a child that I didn't hear. It was the opposite and it's it's messed me up as an adult. It's made me afraid of so many things and hearing her speak, say those things. It like, it's healing parts of me that like nothing could heal the inner child. That when you were little. Yeah. Like it is never too late. And this is what I love about the work that I offer to, it's never too late to reparent yourself, but also for your parent to help reparent your inner child. Like it it's so beautiful and it's. It does shift so much. And one thing I did wanna say to add on what you were talking about of doing the inner work and healing the protective parent also, when that builds you up and you're that strong, beautiful healing force also for your child, you are no longer a beacon for these types of people in the world. Also, because I definitely. Attracted so many other narcissists in my life until I realized what was happening to me from a best friend to a business partner in my adult life. That again, I feel like as an adult, those relationships hurt me almost more and affected me almost more than as a child. I don't know why, which is again, a good thing for for parents who are like, okay, is my child gonna be okay? Are they gonna get through this? I just, I feel like. I was just way more resilient when I was younger than I was as an adult being affected by these types of people. So many powerful words in this entire thing, and I hope that every protective parent who is experiencing any modicum of this, the big, the small, the medium. Listens to this and understands that there is always hope. It's not hopeless. You're not helpless and you're not powerless. Even though you might feel like that right now. You have to take concerted effort. You have to be intentional, and healing is a journey. It's not a destination. So it's three steps forward, two steps back. You might have to cocoon for a little bit but when you do the work, this is what can happen. You are now an adult. And you have a beautiful, probably even a stronger relationship than the average child, who just flies the coop and goes off and, touches base every now and then for like their weekly text or phone call. You rely on your mom. Oh, yeah. And in a beautiful way. Yeah. And she relies on me and we, in a healthy way. Yeah. Not in a codependent way En mesh, like in mes parentified way. No. It was very. It is fun. It's fun too. We go on vacations together and she lives in the state, so we don't, we aren't in close proximity, but we, I feel so close to her because we have phones and we talk to each other and we FaceTime and I'll call her about anything and she's the first person I wanna call when something's exciting is happening. And she loves that. Yeah, of course she does, because she will never. Stop being your mom. Your mom. No. This is the thing every protective parent needs to understand. Yes. Right now it might be hard. You might have lost this time right now, but if you continue, if you keep showing up for your child, even when they're messy, even when they're rude or dismissive or just outright ignore your text messages or block you, your child can come back. Yeah. It's not over until it's over. No. Don't ever think that they can't come back. Don't ever. Pray, intend, whatever you believe in, trust, send messages. Even when you think you're blocked, they see them and you will get an apology. Many apologies. One day, like when the finally the masks are seen and shattered, when they have a light bulb, an epiphany like it will come, they will see and they will feel so bad. And you'll have your child back and you'll have beautiful repair and resolution and healing together That. In a really weird way, you become so much closer. Not that you enjoyed getting there, but you do think of any time you've had a argument with a really close friend, you work through it, you learn each other better, and you actually do seal that bond more. You're vulnerable, like you can have that and will have that with your child. Like I have seen time and time again of my mom who. Just never quit like I do have a sister. So there was that. She had to navigate the, with two of her children. And she was so much more stubborn. My sister and my mom did not quit. And I was like, wow. Like how? How are you still doing? Does it not pain you? Like it would bother me if I kept messaging someone and praying about them and nothing happened. And she just was like, I will never stop loving my children like I am a mother and dah. And I was like, okay. But now I'm like, yes. I get it. Don't quit, don't stop, because your words, even if you're typing them or saying them, they're so powerful. And the more you feel powerful, the more you build yourself up. The more weight they hold, the more intensity they like. You can send things through the, your thoughts. If they're, you're blocked, think about it. Send them, I'm thinking about you today. I love you. That gets to them. It really does. Yeah. Thank you so much, Megan, for being here today, for telling your story, for being vulnerable, because this is not just a storybook, this is actually your lived experience as a child. Yeah. As a young adult and still a young adult. You're still just, you're just a baby. Thank you. I'll take that. I don't take that. Yeah, no, it's actually, it's really great because I I feel very. Much distance from what happened to me. Even though, yeah, it was maybe only 10 years ago when I started to really see and heal, but I feel so I'm like, oh yeah, what are these people again? Oh yeah. I had a ton of those people in my life, like I feel. I'm in a different universe now, so'cause you're no longer consumed by them. This is part of healing too. Part of the healing, the first part is education and we can feel like we're really immersed in this and all we talk about is narcissist this and narcissist that. But as you actually heal and keep progressing, they actually take a back burn. And they just become like a distant, like every now and then, you're like, oh yeah, wait a second. But they're not consuming your daily life. They're not in your thoughts every day. It might be your thoughts like every month, every couple of months. Yeah. And that tells you that you're on the right path. A hundred percent. Yeah, because I definitely, when you were saying some things, I'm like, oh, you're bringing me back to childhood when nothing was ever good enough. And oh, I just remember when I was so consumed and felt so broken and so shattered, and I was like, there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I have been there. I have felt that way. And to feel wow, I haven't thought about that in actually years is really a testament to you can heal and you can overcome this and you will. You just honestly have to, like you said, keep with it. Stay consistent. Do the work, do the healing, and your life will change. I love that. So on that note thank you so much for being here. Thank you for listening to The Survivor's Playbook. If today's episode helped you feel less alone, more confident, more empowered, more educated, please share it with somebody else who may also need it. And if you're ready for deeper support, you can join my monthly membership or grab free tools on my website. All links are in my show notes. Remember, your clarity is your power. Your calm is your resistance. You are not crazy. You are not alone. And you are not in fact, powerless. Until next time, keep going. I see you.