Ep.20: Navigating the Holiday Season

In this episode, I talk about ways you, the protective parent, can protect your peace and create memorable moments that will surpass the chaos and confusion your counter parent just loves to create. It's full of insights, tips and reframes to help you enjoy the upcoming holidays with far more confidence, less pressure and less stress.

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Transcript

Audio Only - All Participants: 0:01

Welcome everybody to The Survivor's Playbook. I'm your host, Chantal Contorines, and this is the podcast for every survivor of abuse. If abusers can have a playbook, then why can't survivors also have a playbook so that you can learn to live lives you love despite what the abuser in your life does or doesn't do? And today. We are gonna be talking about something that so many protective parents struggle with every single year. How to navigate the holiday seasons while co-parenting, quote unquote, with a narcissistic or coercively controlling counter parent, and how you can create low key, high connection moments in your home, even when everything around you feels chaotic. If you're listening to this right now, I just wanna start by saying this. You're doing an incredible job. You are carrying more emotional labor than most people will ever and their entire lives. And most people will not see this invisible labor that you carry. And during the holidays, that load only gets heavier. All thanks to a coercively controlling counter parent who needs two tantrum over the holidays. So today I wanna give you reassurance, some clarity, and some practical ideas you can actually use. My goal is to help you create a season that feels grounded, safe, and connected. Not perfect. Not Pinterest worthy, not performative, just emotionally nourishing for you and also for your children. Because this is a season where so many people are posting about how excited they are and how much they're going to be enjoying their family time. And if you're a protective parent, that joy is oftentimes overlooked. Minimized intruded upon by a coercively controlling ex's tactics of abuse meant. To rob you and your children of your joy, your peace, your ability to be present and engaged because you're so focused on the chaos that they're creating on the sidelines. So let's dive in. Let's begin by naming the truth. The holidays are harder for protective parents. Parenting is harder for protective parents. Co-parenting with a counter parent is harder for protective parents first. The abusive parent and counter parent often escalates their behavior during this season. You probably noticed anything that's special, any special occasion, holiday, vacation, graduation, employment, celebration. Anything that takes a spotlight off of them becomes a source of fodder for them. You might see more manipulation, more love bombing, more last minute schedule changes or those big flashy gestures meant to confuse your child and make them question who the good parent is. That's the Disney parent, right? The what we typically call the Disney dad or the Magic Mountain mom. They come in with big gifts over the top trips, and that those are breadcrumbs. Especially for a moneyed narcissist. Those are breadcrumbs meant to reel your child in, make them feel seen and loved. That's transactional. It's buying their affection and their attention. This is a season when gifts can be weaponized. When kindness suddenly appears after a long stretch of emotional neglect, and when your child may receive attention with strings attached, you know those really long never ending strings that tether them to this abusive parent, it's confusing, it's chaotic, it's destabilizing, and it's absolutely strategic and intentional. Secondly, your child is more than likely more dysregulated. Right now. They're dealing with sensory overload as most children are, right? There's so much going on in school and society at the buildup, right? December is a crazy season and time of year for most people, for most children, more transitions, bigger expectations, and on top of all of that. The emotional unpredictability of their narcissistic parent dysregulation doesn't mean that there's something wrong with your child. It means they're having a normal reaction to abnormal circumstances, there's so much pressure on you as a parent, as a healthy parent, as a safe parent, as a protective parent, the pressure to make this season magical. The pressure to compensate for what your child isn't getting with their other parent and in their other home. The pressure to keep everything calm, steady, and safe, even when you're running on fumes and absolutely exhausted and just wanna tap out. So if you're feeling overwhelmed, if you're questioning yourself, if you're already bracing for the next emotionally chaotic moment, you're absolutely not alone. Nothing is wrong with you. This is a hard season for most people. People who are happily married, people who are happily co-parenting, and you are doing the very best you can in spite of and inside of impossible dynamics. So now let's shift into a new frame. One that's going to genuinely support you right here, right now, where you are. A successful holiday is not built on elaborate plans, color coordinated decor, matching PJs, or creating the perfect moment for Instagram. A successful holiday is built on emotional safety. Children remember how they felt, not the price of the gifts. Not the complexity of the plans, not the production level of the activities. Sidebar, my favorite time of year is Christmas. I cannot remember a single gift other than a pink desk and chair that my non handy dad built himself. For me, this was a big deal. As I said, my dad is very cerebral. He is not at all handy. He did not grow up with a dad in his house. He did not learn how to build. But he really wanted me to have a desk and chair when I was, I think maybe eight. So he built one and he painted it bubblegum pink. That is the only gift I remember from Christmas, why it meant so much to me that my dad had taken the time to do this. Why do I love Christmas is the sense of joy and peace and excitement that my parents created in our home for all of us children. Let this be a lesson for you and a reminder for you. They remember the warmth, they remember the connection. They remember the softness of being with someone who truly sees them. Your home can be the place where your child lands, the place where their nervous system drops, the place where they get to finally drop their shoulders and deeply exhale the place where nothing is required of them. Accept to be themselves as perfectly imperfect and messy as they might be. Perfection will never be presence. Your regulation, your steadiness is the tradition is what your children will remember. So what do low key, high connection moments really look like? Let's talk about this, what this actually looks like in real life, in real time in action. I'm gonna give you simple ideas, low energy ideas, zero prep ideas, things that you can do even when you're tired, even when you're stressed and overwhelmed, even when your children are dysregulated from time with their narcissistic parent. Low energy moments. These are for the days when you feel completely overstretched. Things like a couch ritual. It can be hot chocolate with marshmallows and a silly holiday show, or a fun Christmas or holiday movie. Snuggling Under a Blanket with the light dimmed while reading either your own individual books or reading to your child. If they are of that age reading their favorite book, it can be a book that they have on their bookshelf or a holiday book by the glow of a lamp, twinkly lights, or even candles. Putting on a cozy playlist, even one that you've all created for this season, right? Everybody has an input. Remember, we're trying to work as a team and foster a team mentality in our house and just being together in the same room while you're all doing different things. I love when I used to have more time. I used to create an eight foot long coloring sheet for my children and my stepchildren that was holiday driven, so it would have their names and a whole bunch of things, but you could also just buy them at the dollar store, which is what I currently do. So you can color or do a sticker booked together side by side while maybe having a snack or hot chocolate or tea or whatever floats your boat, even eggnog. A simple candlelight dinner. They can be pancakes for dinner, breakfast for dinner, or my kids love a good charcuterie board. Connection doesn't require energy. It requires presence. That's it. You're just there. You're there with your children, you're listening to them, you're engaging with them. High connection, micro moments. These are tiny rituals that build emotional security. A hand on heart check-in. How's your heart today? Adapt the language for your teenagers, please. A quick, best part, and hardest part of the day, right? This is where your children can check in with you. What was the best part of your day? What was the hardest part of your day? Letting your child choose One small tradition that you'll repeat each week can be whatever you would like. It can be a scavenger hunt. If you do the crazy elf on the shelf, it can be something to do with the elf on the shelf. Making a single simple ornament together. Nothing complicated. Back in the day when I was still going to university, living on my own and working full-time for my first Christmas tree, I got a whole bunch of different shapes, pasta, like bow tie, pastas, and a couple other things, and I glued them together to make little angels that I then painted. Gold can be something like that. These micro moments tell your child. I see you. I hear you. I value you. I wanna be around you. I'm here with you because I love you. Here are some playful moments that are low. Effort play is one of the most powerful co-regulation tools we have, and you don't need to put on a show to do it. You can wear silly hats for dinner. You can wear your clothes backwards for dinner. Play flashlight tag while inside. There was a year when we got, these laser tag guns from Costco and we would turn down the lights and play laser tag in the house. We would also go to the park. If we were going to a restaurant and there was a lineup and we had a wait, we would have them in the back of the car and we would just go and play laser tag. Low effort. And it actually brings out the child in you and becomes a really great way for you the adult, to also inject a bit more playfulness into your day-to-day life. Have a song on in the kitchen and have a dance party while cooking or baking build the coziest or the largest or the fluffiest or the most intricate blanket, tempt, fort or nest together. Do a whisper only with the lights down story time play shifts. The energy instantly it reconnects. It disarms tension. It gives your child a break from emotional complexity. This connection also anchors after transitions for kids returning from their narcissistic parents' home. These rituals help regulate their nervous system. It creates predictability or might remember so much of their other parent is about the unpredictability. Returning from the narcissistic parent's home, these rituals help regulate their nervous system. It creates predictability. So much of a coercively controlling, narcissistic parent is about unpredictability. So you are creating the predictability, simple, routine, same steps every time. A warm meal or a warm drink upon their return, or before they're about to leave Hydration. It matters more than people even think or realize. I'll walk around the block. Especially during this time, you can look at lights. You can go to a street where there's lots of lights, and park if it's too far from your house or walk and then look at the lights and tell stories about them. Physical closeness, brushing their hair, braiding their hair, a hug, a hand squeeze. For some children, it's a tickle on the back or the arm is massaging their feet. You are home now. Your safe ritual. Whatever that is for your family, but something that you know, triggers them into thinking, I can just be here now. I'm home and I'm safe, and I can decompress. These small gestures offer stability when everything else feels unpredictable. Now let's talk about you supporting yourself during the holidays because in typical protective parent fashion, you have taken care of everybody else but yourself. But for this to actually work, you have to put on your own oxygen mask first. Before you can put on your children's, you have to take care of yourself. So I wanna speak directly to you, the protective parent. You don't need to carry this season perfectly. You don't need to fill every gap the narcissistic parent creates. You don't need to compete with theatrics or man, or manipulation, or grandiosity. Before I close, I wanna speak directly to you, the protective parent, the real MVP of your child's life. You don't need to carry this season perfectly. You don't need to fill every gap the counter parent creates. You don't need to compete with theatrics or manipulation or grandiosity. You offer something, your counter parent can never. Safety attunement, consistency, emotional honesty. A relationship grounded on unconditional love without any strings attached. That is the greatest gift your child will ever receive this holiday season. Every holiday season, every waking moment of their time with you is not perfection, but it's persistence and it's presence, and it's being consistently there for them. And you deserve support too. Whether that's rest, community support, intentional breathing, grounding, true time to yourself. Or someone who understands what you're actually up against and facing, you are doing enough. You are actually enough. Your child feels it even on their worst days, even on the hardest days, even if your child is currently not as connected to you as they once were, their bodies still know how wonderful you are for them. So as we wrap up this episode, I want you to remember just one thing. Low key high connection moments aren't just easier, they're more healing. They're what your child will remember long term, long after the chaos stage, they're going to remember how you made them feel. So if you want deeper support through the holiday season, I'd love for you to join us inside of the collective my membership group for protective parents. And if you need real time guidance to navigate this crazy chaos, especially during transitions or conflict with your counter parent,'cause that's what they love to do during the holidays, my Voxer one-on-one support might be just what you need. Thank you so much for listening to their Survivor's Playbook. If today's episode helped you feel less alone, more confident, more empowered, more educated, please share it with somebody else who might need it. You can find all the links in my show notes. Remember, your clarity is your power. Your calm is your resistance. You are not crazy. You are not alone, and you are not powerless, and also you are exactly what your children need. You are enough. Until next time, keep going. I see you.