Ep.22: Decision Fatigue

This is the episode for EVERY protective parent, especially during the holidays. I deep dive into what decision fatigue is, how it presents, and what you can do to help lessen it's impact on you. 

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Transcript

0:01

Welcome everybody to The Survivor's Playbook. I'm your host, Chantal Contorines, and this is the podcast for every survivor of abuse. If abusers can have a playbook, then why can't survivors also have a playbook so that you can learn to live your very best life despite what the abuser in your life does or doesn't do. Today I'm gonna be talking about a very important, but not talked about enough topic, decision fatigue. This is the theme this week within my Instagram and my social media posts, my newsletter, and now today's episode, because this is something that a lot of parents nowadays feel and experience and come up against, but especially protective parents. And this is not the watered down version you usually hear about, not the, you just made too many choices at Target version, not the wake up earlier and plan better version. We're talking about decision fatigue as it shows up for protective parents, those parents who are having to quote unquote co-parent with a narcissistic or coercively controlling counter parent. And especially during this time of year, during the holidays, if you're feeling mentally exhausted, irritable, numb, frozen when you need to decide, or like even small choices feel heavy and are paralyzing, there's literally nothing wrong with you. Your nervous system is responding to chronic pressure, not lack of competence, decision fatigue isn't just about making a lot of decisions. It's about making decisions under threat, under duress. For protective parents, decision fatigue often comes from this constant internal question, what will this cost me or my child if I choose wrong? You're not just deciding what time to respond, what to say, what plans to agree to or disagree with. You're also calculating, subconsciously and sometime consciously, will this escalate the conflict? Will this be used against me later, especially in court? Will my child pay the price emotionally, mentally, psychologically when they're with this parent? Will I regret setting this boundary or not setting it this time? That level of constant calculation keeps your nervous system on high alert and a nervous system in survival mode burns through energy very fast. That's decision fatigue, not weakness, not disorganization. It's prolonged hyper vigilance. Now, why do protective parents experience this more intensely? Protective parents often carry three invisible rules at the same time. You are the regulator keeping the emotional temperature safe for your child. You are the forecaster thinking several steps ahead to prevent harm to you and to your child. The buffer absorbing impacts so your child doesn't have to. That means that your decisions are rarely just about you. What works for you? What's convenient for you? They're about everyone's emotional safety. The long-term impact for everybody, the legal or relational consequences, the story your child is being told on the other side. And unlike cooperative co-parenting, literally the definition of co-parenting, you don't get relief. There's no reprieve. There's no shared decision making. There's no coming together for the sake of your children. There's no trust that your good faith will be met with their good faith. So your brain, your body, your mind never gets to fully relax or rest. That's why you can feel exhausted even on your quiet and down days. The holidays amplify decision fatigue because they introduce compressed time, heightened emotion, and increased contact. It is a narcissist favorite time of year. Suddenly you're deciding, do I accommodate this request or hold my boundary? Do I correct misinformation or stay silent? Do I protect my peace or risk my child feeling abandoned? Do I agree for the sake of harmony or refuseand brace for fallout. Holidays also activate grief. Grief over how you thought holidays would look, what's been lost, or what you never had, and what you're holding together quietly and over a long period of time. And grief takes energy. Add to that children's emotional dysregulation. Last minute schedule changes. One of the narcissist favorite things to do, performative quote unquote, niceness from a counter parent, or sudden demands framed as it's the holidays, let's cooperate. And your nervous system never gets to stand down. So if you feel more depleted, more reactive, or more shut down right now, this isn't a regression. It's not. It is a predictable response to seasonal pressure layered onto an already high conflict dynamic, one that you didn't create, don't want, and would much rather not have. Decision fatigue doesn't always look like indecision. It can look like overexplaining. It can look like snap decisions followed by regret. It can look like avoiding messages altogether. It can look like feeling numb or detached. It can look like feeling paralyzed. It can look like letting things slide you normally wouldn't, or feeling very paralyzed over simple decisions and choices. None of this means that you're doing it wrong. It means your system is running on empty, your system is exhausted, you are depleted and running on fumes. So let's clear this up. What doesn't help decision fatigue is people saying things like, just don't engage. Just ignore them. Just be the bigger person. Just focus on yourself. But here's the thing is you can't fully disengage from someone you share children with. That's impossible, especially when this person is hell bent on creating as many touch points and points of contact as humanly possible. Telling yourself to stop. Caring doesn't work when you're wired for protection and you've been conditioned by this person to be hypervigilant because going against what they want, making a mistake wrecks havoc for everybody. The solution isn't more discipline or willpower. It's reducing cognitive load and restoring nervous system safety. Let's talk about what actually does help you. Create default decisions defaults. Conserve your energy. Decide once when you respond to messages, how you respond to certain requests, what your holiday non-negotiables are. Not everything needs a fresh or new decision. Delay is a tool. Urgency is often manufactured in coercive dynamics, right? They have an emergency and you must jump right now. You must respond. Their emergency does not mean an emergency on your part. You're allowed to press pause. You are allowed to say, I'll think about that and get back to you. You are allowed to respond later when your body is calmer. Delayed decisions, especially when you're feeling triggered or reactive, are often much better decisions because you're responding and not reacting from a place of fear, anxiety, or stress. Values over fear. Instead of asking what's the safest option, ask what aligns with the parent that I want to be reduce mental spinning. Externalize the decision. Write it down, voice. Note it. Talk it out with someone safe, IEA coach, a therapist, or a trusted friend who understands coercive control. Decision fatigue worsens when everything stays trapped in your head and you just ruminate and you have no outlet that's safe to bounce this off of and get feedback that's actually supportive of you and your children. Lower the holiday bar and expectation. Your children do not need perfect holidays. They do not need you to be the Disneyland parent. What they need more than anything, especially when they have to engage with their abuser as well, is a regulated presence from you. So small, calm, predictable moments matter more than elaborate, expensive plans. They really do. Here's something important. Decision fatigue often carries unacknowledged grief, that you have to think this hard. You don't ever get ease or reprieve from this. You don't get shared joy with your co-parent. You don't get to rest the way others do. You don't get to rely on your co-parent as a source of support for yourself and for your children. That you don't get to co-parent period, right? This person is incapable of ever meeting you in the middle and ever putting their children's needs first. They're always going to counter parent, and there's a real grief that hits protective parents upside the head every now and then. Sometimes it can be prolonged. Some type could, it could, sometimes it can just be like a moment where you wish that you could just pick up the phone. And call your co-parent and say, Hey, little Jimmy needs extra help right now. Can we go for coffee and talk about it? And them saying, without an agenda, absolutely one works for you. Radical acceptance here doesn't mean that you like the situation. It means stopping the internal fight with reality long enough to preserve yourself. Peace is not giving up. Peace is conserving your strength long term. You will not be running a sprint. You are going to be running an ultra marathon backwards uphill with your hands tied behind your back. If decision fatigue is heavy for you right now, please hear this. You're not failing. You are certainly not weak. In fact, you are probably one of the strongest people out there and you are not too sensitive. You are responding appropriately to prolonged stress in a high conflict system that you didn't create and don't want during one of the most demanding times of the year. Even for average people who are happily married or happily co-parenting, the goal isn't perfect decisions. It's sustainable ones. It's what works for you and align with your values and you deserve support while you make them. Take a breath, slow it down. You don't have to solve everything today. I'm glad you're here and you're doing more right than you think. Thank you so much for listening to The Survivor's Playbook. If today's episode helped you feel less alone, more confident, and empowered, and more educated, please share it with somebody else who might also need this reaffirmation. If you're ready for deeper support, you can join my monthly membership or grab free tools on my website. All links are in my show notes. Remember, your clarity is your power. Your calm is your resistance. You are not crazy. You are not alone, and you are not powerless. Until next time, keep going. I see you.