Ep.29: Critical Thinking is a Critical Skill to Teach our Children.

This is such an important episode that focuses on the importance of teaching our children to be discerning and critical thinkers. While it's imperative for all children to learn these skills, it is never more so than for children who are being coercively controlled. 

Narcissistic abuse depends on control of the narrative, critical thinking restores ownership of the narrative.

I'll be hosting a free masterclass on this very topic, for all protective parents, in the next few months- so please stay tuned to my social media or sign up for my free weekly newsletter, to get the details for that, when it launches.

Visit: https://chantalcontorinescoaching.com to learn how to work with me. 

And find it all here at: https://linktr.ee/chantalcontorinescoaching

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This podcast is for educational purposes only and is not legal advice. 

Transcript

Audio Only - All Participants 0:01

Welcome everybody to The Survivor's Playbook. I'm your host, Chantal Contorines, and this is a podcast for every survivor of abuse. If abusers can have a playbook, then why can't survivors also have a playbook so that you can learn to live your very best life despite what the abuser in your life does or doesn't do? And today we are going be talking about something, that's not just important, it's critical. We are talking about teaching our children to become better critical thinkers, especially when their other parent is an active counter parent is a narcissistic abuser, and if your quote unquote, co-parenting with somebody who manipulates reality, rewrites history plays the victim. Gaslights love bombs, triangulates. And or weaponizes your children, then you already know this. Your child is being exposed to distorted thinking and you cannot control what happens in the other household, right? That's part of the radical acceptance. You can't control how they show up, how they parent or don't parent what they do or don't do. But what you can do is teach your child how to think, not what to think, how to think. And that is incredibly powerful because critical thinking is the antidote to manipulation. And manipulation is the foundation of a narcissistic counter parent and parent. It is the immune system of the mind. And when you teach your children how to question, how to analyze, how to observe patterns, how to sit with nuance. You are giving them something no narcissist can take from them. You are giving them internal freedom. Now, let's start here. Narcissistic abuse thrives in confusion. It thrives in black and white thinking, in fear, in emotional intensity and urgency, right? Those emergencies that they create in, don't question me in because I said so. You are too sensitive if somebody dares critique them or say that they hurt their feelings in that never happened in your other parent is the problem. Children in these dynamics are often pressured, covertly and or overtly to pick sides. They're rewarded for loyalty for aligning with the abusive parent. They are punished for independence, conditioned to doubt their own perceptions, and that is why critical thinking is not just academic, it's protective. So what does critical thinking actually look like in a child? It looks like being able to say that doesn't feel right. Being able to hold two perspectives at once. Being able to notice patterns over time. Being able to ask what's the evidence? Being able to separate feelings and emotions from facts, being able to tolerate discomfort without rushing to a conclusion. And here's the beautiful part. You don't have to sit your child down and say, today we're learning about narcissism. Although if you want to, you absolutely can, but in fact, please don't. You teach critical thinking in everyday moments. Let me give you some practical ways to do this. Tip number one, model curiosity instead of certainty. When something confusing happens, instead of saying your dad is lying to you, you might say. That's interesting. I wonder why the story changed. Notice the difference. One creates defensiveness, the other creates thinking. You are planting seeds, not forcing conclusions based on what you are saying. My second tip. Teach them to check patterns, not promises, right? Narcissistic parents are often very good at making grand promises. I'll take you to Disneyland. If you stop talking to your dad, I'll buy you a car. If you would lying with me over your mom, I'll make sure you live with me full-time. Instead of attacking those promises, you can gently but consistently teach your child to look at consistency. You can say it's exciting to hear big plans. What do you notice usually happens after big promises? You're helping them gather data to become. Intel gatherers. You're helping them trust patterns over words, right? And patterns of behavior is where the truth is actually found. Talk is cheap. Narcissists love to lie, but it's their patterns of behavior that really tell you the truth. My third tip, validate feelings without endorsing distorted narratives. This is a huge one. Your child might come home and say, mom said you're trying to keep us away from her. Your nervous system might wanna react, right? That might be very triggering for you, but your power is in your calm clarity. You can say, I can see that would feel confusing. It makes sense that you'd feel stuck hearing that. And then gently add in, what do you know to be true about how I show up for you? You're anchoring them in lived experience, not arguments, not confusion, not change narratives, not blatant outright lies. See how powerful that is. My fourth tip, teach them the difference between opinions and fact. Make this a game. Watch a commercial together and ask what is the fact and what is the opinion. Scroll social media, especially if you have teenagers, and ask, what is the person trying to make us feel? What information are they leaving out? You are strengthening their discernment muscle, and the stronger that muscle gets, the harder it is to manipulate them. My fifth tip, encourage respectful questioning even of you. This one takes courage and it can be a little bit tricky, especially as a parent. It's so much easier when children comply. But complacent children are children who are easily manipulated. Tell your child if something I say doesn't make sense to you, you can ask me about it. You can question me. When children are allowed to question safely at home, they are less likely to blindly submit somewhere else. You are teaching them. That authority should withstand inquiry. That's powerful. Now, let's talk about something equally as important. Do not turn your child into an investigator. Do not ask them to report back. Do not ask what did your mom or dad say about me? Don't use them to gather evidence. This is exactly what your counter parent is actively doing with your children. That destroys their psychological safety. Your role is not to weaponize their awareness. Your role is to strengthen their own internal compass, because here's the truth, if your child is being exposed to narcissistic manipulation, they will eventually notice inconsistencies. They'll notice the rage, they'll notice the favoritism. They'll notice the rewriting of events. They'll notice the conditional love. Your job is to make sure that when they notice, they trust themselves. They trust their judgment, their own instincts, their own beliefs, and that requires something from you regulation, because critical thinking cannot grow in chaos. If your home feels emotionally volatile, hyperreactive or unpredictable, your child's brain will stay in survival mode. And survival mode is not analytical. It's reactive. So one of the most powerful things that you can do is create calm, predictability, consistent routines, consistent responses, consistent consequences, consistent warmth. You are building a nervous system safe enough to think critically. Let me say this very clearly. Teaching critical thinking does not mean teaching your child to hate their other parent. It means teaching them to think independently. It means teaching them that love and discernment can coexist. It means teaching them that they're allowed to have their own perceptions and opinions and beliefs, and sometimes the hardest part for protective parents is this. You must tolerate the fact that your child may defend their other parent at times. That doesn't mean you failed. That means they're navigating a complex attachment bond. Stay steady, stay grounded. Stay curious because seeds grow underground before you ever see proof with your own eyes. And here is what I want you to remember. Narcissistic abuse depends on control of the narrative. Critical thinking restores ownership of the narrative. You are not raising a child to win a custody battle. You are raising a human being who will one day sit in relationships, workplaces, friendships, and need to discern truth from manipulation. And the skills you are teaching now will protect them for life. And so here's your call, your gentle call to action this week. Pick one strategy. This one. Maybe it's asking more curious questions. Maybe it's pointing out patterns. Maybe it's separating fact from opinion at dinner. Maybe it's regulating yourself before responding to a triggering comment. Small consistent modeling changes everything, and if you are feeling exhausted, defeated, or scared that the manipulation is winning. I want you to hear me clearly. Critical thinking is slow work. It's quiet work. It's invisible work, but it's incredibly powerful work, and you are not powerless. You are planting clarity in a world that feels confusing. You are building resilience without hardening your child's heart. You are raising someone who can think, not just react, and that matters more than you can know or even realize right now. Thank you for listening to The Survivor's Playbook. If today's episode helped you feel less alone, more confident, more empowered, more educated, please share it with somebody else who might need it. And if you're ready for deeper support, you can join my monthly membership or grab free tools and resources on my website. All links are in my show notes. As an FYI, this piece of education of knowledge is so important that I'm going to be holding a free masterclass for all protective parents coming up in the next while. So stay tuned to my website, to my Instagram feed, to my Facebook feed, or sign up for my weekly newsletter. So that you can sign up for free. But this is such an important one, especially now, given the world. We need to be teaching our kids to be discerning and to be able to think critically. Now, I want you to remember your clarity is your power. Your calm is your resistance. You are not crazy. You are not alone, and you are not powerless. Until next time, keep going. I see you.