Ep. 36: Kimberly Weeks: relearning how to walk and talk after abuse

This is such a powerful episode, that we recorded on June 1st, which happens to be International Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day. In this episode, I connect with the amazing powerhouse that is Kimberly Weeks. You would not be able to tell, as she's so incredibly articulate, that she had to relearn how to walk and talk, after she left her abuser. 

She is the epitome of endurance, grit, determination, power, and also, vitality, intelligence, and goodness. 

This is a must listen to episode- you will leave feeling validated, empowered, educated and far more supported. 

You can find Kimberly Weeks on social media at @iamkimberlyweeks or on her site at www.kimberlyweeks.com

Visit: https://chantalcontorinescoaching.com to learn how to work with me. 

And find it all here at: https://linktr.ee/chantalcontorinescoaching

Follow me on Instagram: @chantal.contorines.coaching

This podcast is for educational purposes only and is not legal advice. 

Transcript

0:01

Welcome everybody to the Survivor's Playbook. I'm your host, Chantal Contorines, and this is a podcast for every survivor of abuse. If abusers can have a playbook, then why can't survivors also have a playbook so that you can learn to live lives you love despite what the abuser in your life does or doesn't do? And today, I am so excited about having on the amazing powerhouse known as Miss Kimberly Weeks. Thank you so much, Kimberly, for being here today, for sharing your expertise, your story, your journey, your support, your strategies with all of us

Audio Only - All Participants 0:39

My name is Kimberly Weeks. I like to say that because for a long time I had to take my name back. And so my name is Kimberly Weeks now. I took it back from my married name. Me too. Me too. Doesn't that feel so great? It does. It feels weird 'cause my kids have their dad's last name, but I... And I will never change my name. Yeah. If I get married again, I'm always gonna be Chantal Contorines. I am gonna own that name till the day that I die. That's right. That's right. So I always start by saying my name is Kimberly Weeks. I am a trauma care practitioner who specializes in narcissistic abuse recovery. I actually teach a course on this for that reason. I work with women primarily, even though I work with men as well. Interestingly, I'll have a lot of men that come into my DMs. And help them to be able to integrate all of the ways that narcissistic abuse has impacted their world psychologically, somatically in terms of what happened in their bodies. Somatically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. I integrate a lot with the community that I have created called Stand Firm Healing Community for Women, the spiritual aspect of this, because for many, that part of it when you go into a therapist space is not necessarily as integrated as they... A- and I speak directly to the spiritual realities that have t- or how spirituality or their faith was used as a method or a weapon to indoctrinate them into going along with that abuser. And so I'm also a co-founder of the Global Trauma Institute. I helped found an institute with three of my incredible colleagues, and we train coaches and practitioners. They are- therapists and advocates on trauma-informed care, and for me, primarily as a narcissistic abuse practitioner. So I help people do what I do, so that they're able to take the experiences they've had And that is the most empowering thing, because abuse happens to us, but what we, and we, nobody chose this. It wasn't because you were stupid. It wasn't because you just simply had no idea that these people existed. It felt familiar if you were raised in this type of home as well. Yeah. And abusers, we were just, we just had a live and we talked about this. Abusers are very good at reading people. They're the ultimate con artist. Con men, con women. They know how to read what you want. They know how to ask the right questions, especially at the beginning. I have psychologists. I have family law lawyers. I have judges who are clients of mine. I have billionaires and people who can barely afford to pay their monthly rent. It impacts everybody. And it, it knows no boundary in terms of socioeconomic status, where you are in the world, your gender. It doesn't matter. Yeah. And this is why education is so key. And what you just said there, though, is so empowering because this happened to us, but we can choose to d- to do something with this, right? Yes. And this is the most empowering thing, I th- because we can both, actually attest to this as survivors. Being able to then take our information that we've learnt and be able to help other people is such- A healing and cathartic journey Yes. Yeah, it is very cathartic because it's like it's nothing wasted. There's no part of the experience that I have not learned how to support people through my own experiences, what I've witnessed with clients, to be able to give them language and understanding about the methodology and the strategies of abusers. And here is, in- interestingly, one thing that I have found to be very true, that many clients who come to us believe that experience was a waste. I always say I got an involuntary PhD in psychopathy and narcissistic- I didn't sign up for the class. I didn't pay any tuition or... I just happened to find myself that I would say- You were at the, you were at the right place at the wrong time, or wrong place at the right time. I was birthed into a family where these were the dynamics, and it became normalized to me. And so then I learned what was familiar and was actually drawn to what was familiar in my adult situations, whether that be business- whether that be faith community, whether that be in an intimate partner situation. That familiarity- Is one of the parts of working with clients that I support, them getting really clear about what they came out of in their childhood experiences and what imprint that left on what is familiar to them and what they are actually drawn to because of that familiarity. That awareness is incredible power. Awareness- For everybody is everything. And oftentimes people who are in these relationships, I think most people don't even realize that they're being abused. If there's no raised voices, name-calling, if there's no raised hands, that's not abuse. How do you actually pull out manipulation? How do you say because abusers typically, not all, some of our members here have very obvious abusers who speak just so horribly to everybody that it's like this is obviously an abuser." But especially at the beginning, they're so good at saying exactly what you wanna hear. Yes. At future faking, at love bombing, at, being the perfect person for you to fill your void, to meet your needs. And it's typically slowly where they start to actually show their true colors, and we talked about this in the live, where they push your boundaries, and it can be very subtly. Yes. It doesn't have to be saying no. It'll be like, "Are you sure you don't wanna do that?" Yes. And so awareness really is key. Because if you've come out of this relationship, which everybody in this membership is either still in the relationship or has left the relationship, we don't ever wanna partner with this again. Yes. One and done. I am done. I'm not gonna continue picking the wrong person, because these people cause so much unnecessary and preventable trauma- Yes if you know what to look for. Yeah. I use the term intimacy fraud. I don't love bombing because it- I want to detach what we- Love experience from the word love- Yes because it was actually abuse masquerading as love. Yes. Everything about them- Is a masquerade, yes Yeah it's a masquerade, it's curated, it is a facade. Any word that means not authentic, disingenuous. There's nothing about them. This is not love. Yes. Not love. Yeah. I love that. So I use fraud. Yeah. It's intimacy fraud, and you're so right that they... M- And it's not just, it's not personal when I say that, and that's the, one of the things that's so hard for us to acknowledge, is that this person does this all through their life. Yeah. They didn't come just for you. They will actually come for anyone who will allow them into their world and have access to their time, attention, and resources. And they will use and exploit anyone. And so I think a part of this has been to understand, I think one of the things that helped me with all of the, guilt and condemnation and shame was depersonalizing. Yeah. This person does this all over their life. You can look at their business partnerships, their family- In every relationship they have. Every relationship they have. We are not unique. We are not special. Yes. Other than the fact that they are also attracted to people who have really great attributes, right? We are loyal. We are trusting. We're generous. We're honest. We're loving. We are determined to make things work, right? All of these attributes that make us really fantastic humans also make us prey for predators because- we'll keep trying. We'll keep giving them the benefit of the doubt- Correct because we've made a commitment to them. And we're very the term that is often used is the ride or die person. We're the people that when all the chips are down- We will show up for that person. We will give that person our last ounce of energy and time and e- and that, that capacity, I'm gonna use the term, that lack of boundaries for self- that we learned in our childhood experiences to put limits on how much we give to people. It's a wonderful attribute when it's mutual. Yes. When it's You have two people who just give and take, right? I might need a little bit more right now 'cause I'm- Yeah going through a rough patch, so you're giving me more. Yeah. But then when you need more, I'm giving. When it's symbiotic, but when it's- Yeah one person who constantly just takes to... And it's hard when you're in it to see it, right? Yes. Because they give you enough just to keep you engaged, to keep you happy, to keep you placated. And as we talked about in the live, it's the 80/20. 80% bad, 20% good, and they know exactly when they've pushed you too far, and they need- Yes to give you a little something, right? Yes. Be it either like a compliment or a diamond ring or a trip, Yes or something, some sort of affection or attention, but that's also manipulation. It is. And this is really important, right? Is the entire relationship, all the good and the bad, it's all manipulation. It's all abuse because it wasn't genuine. It wasn't them just being good people, and being, "You know what? Kimberly really deserves a new car because she's so wonderful, and she does so much for our family, and she contributes so much time and energy to help everybody. I'm gonna do something really wonderful for her with no strings attached." Yes. "I'm not gonna bring it up 20 years from now and say, 'Do you remember in 20, 20 when I bought you that car? Now it's payback. Now you owe me 'cause I did something nice for you.'" Yeah. I call that the, i- it they create that relationship of puppetry. They create that relationship, and this is how you know that it's not genuine. It's not genuine because the person uses it to get something from you. It's transactional It's very transactional, and therefore, here's the reality. The reality is that even though it's 80/20, 80% bad, 20% good, it's actually 100% bad. Yeah. Because the 20% you get is actually so that they can a- advance and accomplish their agenda from you. Because it's not genuine. This is- Yeah the thing, right? And I think, like you, I'm a very positive person. I like to see the good in people, and I still, to this day, I will not let this one person impact my view on the world. Yeah. Because then they've won, right? Then my view of the world is tainted because of this person, and I'm really trying to create boundaries around their impact on my life. So I still like to walk through life thinking that most people are good, that most people have good intentions. They might ma- m- make mistakes, but their intentions are good. They wanna help people. It doesn't mean that I'm not aware, though, and that I don't pay attention because now that I understand what this looks like, and I know that it can look like anything, it can be in the most beautiful package. It can be, your pastor. It can be the parent who volunteers at every single, volunteer experience at school. It can be your neighbor who, mows your grass. It can be people who present as very generous to you. And those people in positions of power, be they your pastor or your teacher or the therapist, the lawyers, the judges, the stay-at-homes, the CEOs of corporations, anybody can be this type of person. It doesn't mean that you should be scared- Yes and go through the world scared of everybody, but you should be aware and alert. Yeah. Yeah. I'm gonna, I'm gonna deviate a little bit from what you said, because this is where I've arrived at in terms of assessing people. I assess people and I put them in the category of I'm getting to know this person and I am checking the fruit of my experience with them. Yeah. And I'm testing the spirit that I experience with them. And so everybody is always going to be in the category of, and when I say everybody, I wanna s- I wanna make sure I'm clear. I'm always going to be paying attention to what's happening with the person. Not from a hypervigilant space, but- And that's the important piece though, right? Because if you're hypervigilant, then they're winning. Then you're- Correct always walking through life with fear- Correct and scanning for issues. Not in a fear-based way at all. Yeah. From a place of wisdom to understand because even people who are, good-hearted people have moments where they, go back into what was a survival response for them and cause harm to people. That doesn't make them a predator and it doesn't make them an abuser, but I have to be aware at all times that human beings are human beings. And we're all flawed, and therefore, what I'm trying to discern is the difference between is this a person who is a flawed person and is this a predator? Those two things determine someone's access in my world, determine how much I give to that person. How much time and energy that person gets from me. Because the reality is that when we disarm- We open ourselves to harm, and there's no way around that. That happens in every healthy relationship. There, you have to be disarmed- in order for you to have intimacy this is any relationship. Just because- Any relationship my heart was broken in a healthy relationship doesn't mean I'm not gonna love again, right? That's right. It just means that- I have to open myself up to the possibility- Yeah of being hurt. Correct. A- And love requires risk. In order- for you, it's like the trust fall exercise- Yeah. Yeah. Oh, boy. in order for you to be able to be held by people, you have to be willing to fall and allow them to catch you. And so the reality of, coming out of these experiences and re- I love what you said, Chantal, because I refuse to allow that person to take away the heart that God gave to me. I refuse. Yeah. No. That is the most sacred, most precious, most valuable thing I have. And for many survivors- it's our superpower, right? To be able to love so, so fully- Yes and lovingly- And so deeply. Yes yeah. Yes. And so I, when I talk to clients and I'm, seeing this wrestle that they have with holding onto their heart, and then in learning what is wise in terms of how they move forward in relationships, a big part of that is really getting acquainted with yourself, discovering yourself and appreciating what value you bring into spaces. Many of us did not have an appreciation for the value that we brought to spaces, and therefore people who saw it saw how... It's almost like seeing a big pot of gold. They saw the big pot of gold, and we didn't even know we had all that gold, right? And so a big part of the recovery process is for clients and for survivors to really s- and not from a grandiose way- No To acknowledge how amazing you are to acknowledge yourself, to appreciate it. That doesn't mean that you're egotistical. It doesn't mean that you're- s- so self-involved, but it's we- Yes each individual is so unique and so amazing in our own capacities, and we have talents and values and gifts to give to people and to ourselves, and we have a right to take up space. And that- that awareness and then acknowledgements for, versus validation from others, which is wonderful. It's great to get validation. But you validating- Yes that when I come into a person's life- This is what I'm bringing. This is what I have to, to offer- Offer that person. Yeah. And here's what I want valued and appreciated and held sacredly by the people in my life. And when you are assessing yourself that way, having that kind of valuation, they talk about it all on Shark Tank, "Oh, what's the valuation of your company?" Having that valuation for yourself. Yeah. Then when people are testing your limits, and testing your boundaries, and exploiting you, and using you, and dishonoring- and disrespecting you, you gotta go back to looking at the valuation of your company. Which is your person. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not gonna let, this is not a good investor over here. Yeah. This is not a good partner, or this is not a good person to come alongside because my company's valuation, my person's valuation is this, and I can't let anyone, just anybody come into that space. Yeah? And y- you can have, degrees of separation with people, right? Correct. So you can have your close-knit people, and it doesn't have- Yeah to be a huge amount of people, and then you can have those that you see every now and then that you let in. Yeah. But also, and I think a huge part of how we were raised, our boundaries, what abusers do is they really make it hard for us to actually take up space, advocate for ourselves and say, and also listen to energy, right? When we were little just like animals, we pick up people's energy before they even speak. And you, so you'll see I, I was walking my new rescue and he's really good now with people. He'll come up to them, and then he might get a little bit shy 'cause he's a rescue dog and he's been traumatized. But this man was at the end of our path, and this man was just standing there, and my dog was pulling so far behind me, trying to get as far away as humanly possible from this man. And this man opened his mouth and said, "Your dog is smart to fear me." And then he cackled maniacally and I was like, oh my gosh, my dog picked up this man's energy, right? We have really good internal radars, but over time, through our childhood, through our conditioning in society, our place in society, how our parents raised us- Yeah we quiet it. We li- we don't listen to it anymore. But your body knows. Before your brain can actually make the actual assessment- your body knows this person is safe or not safe. And then we dismiss it, we minimize it, we excuse it away. Oh, I'm just being too sensitive or, whatever. They're just having... Whatever it is, we don't listen. People's energy really doesn't lie. It doesn't and the reality is that we've been actually groomed, many of us, groomed and trained and conditioned not to pay attention to- I call it a frequency. It's like a frequency- Yeah. Yeah that you're picking up, whether or not you feel peace. I went on a date with this guy, and he went to hug me, and my whole body went into a trauma response with just a hug. He didn't even have to speak. He didn't have to say a word. I felt the hairs on the back of my neck- Like the hackles, right? Like your hackles I was all I went to sit on the other side of the table and I couldn't calm my physical body down. And he was like, "Are you okay?" And I just paid attention- To what my body was speaking to me in the presence of this person. And so another part of that recovery process is you starting to get really familiar with how your body talks to you. And responds to energy and people. Responds to energy. Because here's the thing, it's two things happen. Our minds try to reason away why we're feeling this way- and then they open their mouth and start talking, and their words might sound exactly like what you're wanting to hear, right? Because as I've said so many times, these people are con artists. They know exactly how to read you, what to say to get you hooked into their narrative, right? Which is- Yeah everything's a lie. It's all a lie. Everything about them is manipulation. So if you're really quiet and you actually truly start to trust yourself again, your instinct, your intuition, your energy radar, you can actually really avoid partnering with this in any capacity, be it like a platonic relationship, a business relationship, a romantic relationship, and that's also really important to teach our children. Yeah. And to be very responsive to our children when their bodies say no. We force kids to hug people all the time or to shake their hand, and if little Bobby is like, "No thank you," okay. Yeah. Absolutely. Do not push your child to sit on their grandma's lap if they don't feel like it, or to hug somebody that they don't, or to be with somebody. When a child says no- No means no. And sometimes it's 'cause they're being difficult, but more often than not, it's 'cause their little bodies are very heightened. Yeah. And they understand energy because they haven't been groomed and conditioned to dismiss how they're feeling or because it's not socially acceptable to say no. We were just talking about this in the live how, as like especially as women, we're conditioned to put up and to smile through discomfort and to make- Yeah other people feel comfortable, and to put their needs before our needs. Yeah and this is part of the healing is to say absolutely not. Yeah. I love this because w- as you're speaking, it's almost as if we're having to return to the innocence of our in- inner child in that way. Yes. Before the world happened to us, right? Correct. Kids are really blank canvases, and kids really know what's up. They know who's good and who's bad. They're just like animals. Animals can pick up on people's energy. They haven't been conditioned to dismiss their internal radars. Yes. But as if children aren't raised by parents who are aware, and this is not to put parents down, because it's really hard. There's so much going on, but it's our job to help our children really become in tune with their intuition. Yeah. And for us, as adults, to go back to that. To respect it. Yeah. Yes. Yes. And not try to placate people because we've been conditioned by society to be kind and to be nice and to put up with people, even when- And be agreeable. Yes. Yes. Yeah, I love this because that that, I'm gonna call it advocacy. It's self-advocacy for us to be in tune or attuned to our own cues of our body. And I, when I work with clients, I take it back to the basics, and you're talking about going to your inner child. Do you go to the bathroom when you need to go to the bathroom? Do you eat when you have a cue of hunger? Do you go and get something to drink? Just the basics of responding to the cues of the body. Are you- do you ever go anywhere and sit in a public place and just pay attention to your surroundings? See, this is what you talk about con artists. This is what abusers do. They have the ability to go into a space, and they will be paying attention and looking at people's clothing, the way that they're speaking, the way they shift their facial expressions. The micro cues, the body language. They're almost like creating a profile of the person. And they can tell a story, and pretty accurately because they've been doing it for a long time, of what's going on with the person. In the same way, we as survivors can begin to do that for ourselves. What's happening inside of me as I'm sitting in this space, as I'm in this atmosphere? What am I noticing about what's happening on- in my nervous system or my shifts of my body? What... Do I feel peaceful here, or do I not feel peaceful here? See, they're studying us, and we need to understand the s- type, the strategies, the tactics. We need to stu- but more than that, we need to study ourselves. So much is, so much of our focus is on them. And that's important. That's like the foundational piece, is to understand how these people operate and move through the world and how they manipulate. That's really important, but the next level, the next layer of your healing journey is really focusing back on you- That's right and empowering yourself, right? Yes. And, really becoming confident in who you are, because abusers strip us of that confidence. Yeah. They really need us to feel incapable and not good enough, ugly, stupid, lazy. You add in any kind of disparaging adjective there, and that's what they want you to feel. That's how they feel about themselves, and they project onto you. Yes, and they project it, yes. And then they need you to buy into that narrative so that you stay because you feel so lucky to be with them, even if you cry yourself to sleep every single night. and so part of your healing is to actually acknowledge all of your good stuff, all the stuff that you contribute, a- what makes you uniquely you. Yes. And write that down. Yes. All the things that you've accomplished. If you have survived a narcissist, you are one of the strongest people I know, honestly. I don't even have to know you. If you've survived a narcissist, you are capable of so much because you've endured- A month, a year, 10 years, 20 years of consistent relentless psychological, mental, emotional- Yes physical abuse, even if they've never raised their hand. Yes, it's warfare. B- It's warfare. I like the new terminology that's used for post-tr- traumatic stress injury versus disorder- because it is an injury. And I'm from Fayetteville, North Carolina, and there's a military base there called Fort Bragg. And when people go- I think most people, I'm Canadian, I know about Fort Bragg Yeah, everybody knows about Fort Bragg because they go through so many tours of duty, and they do it back to back to back. And so in the same way, if someone has been in combat- In warfare- Yes for five years, 10 years, 15, 20, 30 years, they would have an injury associated with that. In the same way, survivors, not only have they had that, but they have developed skills to be able to handle- To adapt continuing in that- They adapt and adapt. Yes. And so- In survival they have incredible survival skills, and because of that's why I think for me, a big part of celebrating survivors is the reality that there is this world of people that have these skillsets and have this adapt- adaptation, and people call it disorders, and they call it all of these different things. Talk about how smart our bodies have to be- to adapt our our minds and our bodies to adapt this relentless onslaught of manipulation and abuse, our bodies and our minds are so good at protecting- Yes ensuring that we stay safe, right? Which so many people are like I was weak. I..." No, you did exactly what you needed to do to survive that, and then when you were ready, when your body and your mind were both ready to actually escape, that's when you did. It wasn't 'cause you were lazy. It wasn't 'cause you were scared. Yes. It was because you weren't s- your body knew that you weren't safe to actually escape in that moment, and it might have taken you longer than your next-door neighbor, Becky, and that's okay. You and you alone know when it's r- time to go. You and you alone. You are so capable- Yes and it's so important to remind ourselves of that. A- again, it doesn't mean that we're egotistical. It doesn't mean that we're full of ourselves. It simply means that we are actually able to acknowledge that we are incredible humans who endured something and still managed to get out the other end. Yes. Yes. Anyone who I often think of it as just one of the best privileges of life for me because when I get a new client or I have a person reach out to me in my DMs, I recognize what you're, exactly what you're saying. This person has to be so incredibly special that they were able to endure the situation and continue to show up advocating for themselves. Continue to reach out to try to get answers, awareness, and understanding because they haven't quit. No you, they have not succeeded in breaking you. You might feel like you're broken, and this is the thing. So many people hit rock bottom. So many survivors become suicidal. But you're not broken. They did not succeed, and that truly is a testament to how strong you are- Yeah because they tried everything to break you on every level, spiritually- Yeah mentally, emotionally, psychologically, physically, financially, all the different ways, and you're still here. You might- And you- be having to build up from rock bottom, but you're like the phoenix rising. Yes. And to me, when someone gets to the bottom, I o- I love it because when you're at the bottom and you rebuild- Ugh and it may look like, a snail's pace. Yeah. Okay? It may look like, and a part of my story is I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis coming out of my marriage, and so I literally couldn't walk- Yes correctly for a period of time. I remember you saying that, yeah. I couldn't walk, and I had to learn how. This person attacked the experience with them, attacked my walk. I had to learn how to do all of those things. Even my speech right now, there was a time- All the things that you took for granted that you just- Yeah, all the things I didn't realize was a gift I can now... I couldn't string two sentences together because of where, the location of my brain lesions. And so now I don't take it for granted when I'm able to have a conversation with someone and articulate- And not just have a conversation, but, to go from there literally having to retrain your body and your mind to- And your brain, yes To be able to formulate words, th- things that you haven't had to do since you were an infant, right? And then so many people would just give up. It's just too hard. Yes. But you didn't do that. Yeah. You didn't do that. I couldn't give up. No. And I said, I kept saying, "I couldn't do it." I had, I, at the time I had four kids. They're g- they're almost all of them grown men now. Oh. But I felt like what, if I give up- Then what's gonna happen to them? If I give up, then that means this person and these environments are gonna have full access to them, and I wouldn't let myself quit. I believe God is the one who strengthened me to continue going, because often the difference the thing between our kids and that abuser is us. Like that- Even- And this is really important, 'cause people are like I stayed because I wanna be the buffer." Yes. And that's a choice you make. There is no, "I will never tell people what to do." You and you alone know, but staying is oftentimes not long-term good for you and/or your children. And even if you are no longer under the same roof- Yes you're just being there. You act as a buffer, but you have your home becomes your sanctuary and your children's sanctuary, and that's really important because children raised in these homes, it's all they know is toxicity and dysfunction and unhealthy ways of communicating and coping and relating. So you creating, even if it's small, right? Rebuilding oftentimes means walking away with far less financially than you are legally, ethically, morally entitled to. And if restarting means that you're in s- someone's basement suite, you, it doesn't matter. Kids don't care about the size of your home. They care about how they feel when they're in your home. Yes. And that for me, I grew up in a family system where that was my childhood. I was in the war zone in my childhood. My parents are still married. Yeah. So for me, it, I did not want that to repeat. I did not want them to grow up seeing that, and yes, my body- But that i- that is a model, right? Yes. Children, if they don't see any different, that's what they assume love and relationships look like, and you fight, and you don't get along, and there's tension in the air, right? That just feels normal. And I think our job as protective parents, no matter where you are, if your children are young or you stayed, our job is to show them an alternate reality and what unconditional love looks like and what a peaceful home life feels like so that their bodies don't become attuned to dysfunction as their baseline. Yes. Because then they h- are more likely to gravitate towards people who, mimic what they grew up in, which is my body feels comfortable, right? Our bodies go with what it knows, and if what we knew or what we were raised in was dysfunction and- Chaos. Yes yes. That, that feels comfortable even if our mind's this isn't really..." But your body's this feels normal. I can relax." And peace feels uncomfortable because you didn't experience peace. You didn't experience- Yeah quiet. Yeah. And there's a part for me that is coming up even as we're talking, because one of the things that I've struggled with is coming out of that and, having to f- physically get back into a place to be able to do certain. So there's been limitations to my parenting and my mothering because I've had to re- my body has had to go through a repairing process. And I often hear from my clients this lament, this sense of I'm not able to give them what this family is able to give them," whether that's financially, whether that's time and energy- whether that's, being able to do all of these kind of fun, expensive things because they've been left in financial ruin. And what I wanna say to that particular person is that if you can give your kids and yourself- A home, a haven that is peaceful and they can experience and taste what regulation feels like, and not being on an, walking on eggshells, and not constantly having to worry about what's gonna happen. That is so incredibly valuable to their future. It's the biggest thing you can do for your children. It's the biggest thing that you can give them, yes. Because our our homes, our children's homes should be the safe port in the chaos of the world, right? They they come home and they just get to be, and they get to be messy, and they get to be, big emotions. And we, we just are there to help absorb and to help support and validate their lived experience. There is nothing more beneficial... There is nothing that you can buy, there is no amount of money that you can put on that, because that right there is also how you break generational trauma, generational cycles of abuse, where children just continue to perpetuate what they were raised in, right? And that right there teaches your child that this is actually what healthy looks like, and this is what love, true, unconditional love sounds like, and what it feels like, and what it looks like. And that is the biggest gift we can give our kids. Yeah. Even if it means that you're four people sharing a one-bedroom basement suite. Yeah. And literally cl- and I'm sure you have the same, I have had clients who fled in the middle of the night with infants and small children and stayed in a hotel, and moved around to friends' houses, and friends' couches, and friends' basements. And all of those things to get out of that abusive and toxic dynamic, they're creating the Disneyland experience. Yep. The vacations and the, all of these different things that you are not- Especially if you have teenagers, right? Yeah, that you're not in the position to- They're buying them cars and- Yeah, that you can't provide for them. And I've had a lot of clients w- speak to that feeling of not doing enough, but I want you to know that you are doing what foundationally we as human beings need, which is providing that environment that is safe for them to come home to. Yeah. Absolutely. And I think that narrative often plays out in the family court system where, even judges and advocates will look at the two-parent households and say this person has more of an ability to take care of them" when they've, come out of this abusive dynamic, but also, they've been at home. They haven't been able to develop a career. Yep. So they can't go out and match what that other person... They've- they've helped that other person build a life and a career for themselves. Yep. So it's very difficult at times for clients to understand that e- that uneven scale does not mean that you're not doing a great job. J- I just look at my childhood. For me, Christmas is something that I love. Christmas every year, and I cannot tell you, there's a handful of gifts that I can remember through my childhood, but it's the feeling. It's the feeling that my parents made Christmas this special thing. We didn't have a ton of extra money. My parents were really keen on budgeting, but it was the feeling, the joy, truly, it was being together is what I remember. I remember a couple of things. My dad, who is not handy, he's very cerebral, he built me this little pink desk and a chair. And I... I'm 47, and I still remember that he did that, right? But it was the energy in our home. Kids, and this goes back to, people love gifts. Who doesn't love a good gift? But if that gift is attached to chaos, I would much rather not have the Range Rover and the diamond ring. I'd much rather live... it's, I... What you're giving your children is invaluable. There is not a price tag you can put on a peaceful home. That's the truth. Yeah. And from a person who didn't grow up in a peaceful home, and then left home and just repeated the chaos all over the place, Because you didn't know any different because I didn't know anything else that was your normal baseline, right? That's correct. So this is so important because this is where protective parents, that's where your power lies, right? In stopping your children from understanding that's normal. Yeah. That love is toxic and chaotic and confusing. Love should not be confusing and chaotic. Yeah. It really shouldn't be. It doesn't mean that it's always easy, but it shouldn't be constantly trying to s- you know, guess what they need or, give of yourself and contort and pretzel. Yes. With love, you can be yourself, and- Yeah they just love you. And it- And you don't have to go through hoops trying to prove- Yes. Yes or earn- Yes or parade around for their validation. The person loves and accepts you just like you are. You don't have to do anything to be deemed valid. No. Going back to that valuation. They know your valuation. They know what you're, that you're bringing into their life and what they're able to offer to you, and it's mutual. Thank you so much, Kimberly. You are just... I just wanna continue talking to you every day. And I cannot believe I I really want people who are listening to actually think at some point in the distant past, Kimberly did not have the ability to walk and talk. And look, if she can do this, and it's not to say that you are not strong, but I want every survivor has this capacity to literally rebuild. You are a little bit more extreme than the average survivor. But if she can do it, you can do it. You can rebuild from litera- I can't even imagine. That must have been so debilitating to not be able to articulate, especially if you... It's one thing to never be able to articulate, but to be able to and then not be able to. I literally was going, I can feel the emotion coming up right now because- it is a very eerie thing. Yeah. To know what you used to be able to do and then not be able to do it anymore. And we just take it for granted. And we do. We take our health for granted. We do. And we really, and this also brings us back to just really, no matter what you... You can't compare yourself to other people, but just really look at your life and be thankful for, and grateful for what you have- Yes no matter what that is, right? Yes. Because- My mother says this all the time. She says, "Kim, you may not, have X, Y, or Z, but I want you to recognize that you woke up from a peaceful sleep- Where no one was trying to do anything harmful to you in your sleep. You were able to get up and walk to the bathroom and get yourself ready. You can get online and have conversations with people where you're having a cohesive narrative of what you're talking about. There was a time when that was not your situation. And so we're... i'm still healing and I'm still recovering. Healing is a journey. And it is not- It's not a destination it's not a destination at all. But what I will say is that for those who are in the middle of it, 'cause I feel, I still feel in many ways I'm in the middle of it 'cause I'm still dealing with- some of the aftermath. That that re- celebrating your progress and the small steps of your continued development and recovery and discovery of who you are is such a beautiful gift to give to yourself. It's honestly, this is why I'm such a fan of journaling because it's really hard in your day-to-day life. Life is busy and full and chaotic and stressful, and all the, like all the things, especially if you have children. But actually writing down all the things that you've accomplished. You can go back and say, "Actually, I might not feel like I've made a whole lot of advancements. I still live in the same place and I still drive the old car. But if I look at all the things that I've accomplished, I'm really kickass." Yeah. And again, it's okay to acknowledge that, right? Yeah. It does not make you egotistical. I cannot... We are not the narcissist who has to pretend to be this to, protect themselves. We can honestly say, "Yeah, I'm not perfect. I have, flaws and I'm working on those flaws, but I also am a really strong, capable, loving human who- Yeah tries to go through life, making a positive impact on those closest to me, those in my community, and also the world at large." Yes. That's your valuation. W- what are you sowing into the world that is- Yeah going to come back to you? Yeah. And it will. But so here's the thing is we all leave a footprint, and people at my funeral are not gonna say Chantal had the latest iPhone," they're, hopefully what they say is, "Chantal positively impacted my life and those around her." Yeah. "She spread love, like, all over," right? And that's what I want my legacy to be. Not that, oh, she had the biggest house. I'm not opposed to a big house. I'm just gonna put that out there into the universe. But that's not gonna be my defining features- yeah is what I had. It's what did I do in this world? What did I- Yeah how did I positively impact my children, my friends, my family, my community, and the world at large? Yes, absolutely. Yeah. I love that. Thank you so much, Kimberly, for being on today. Again, I've just had two hours with you. It's awesome. It's like the power hour. And thank you so much. Thank you for listening to The Survivor's Playbook. If today's episode helped you feel less alone, more confident, more empowered, more educated, please share it with somebody else who might need it. And if you're ready for deeper support, you can join my monthly membership or grab free tools on my website. All links are in my show notes. Remember, your clarity is your power. Your calm is your resistance. You are not crazy, you are not alone, and you are not powerless. Until next time, keep going. I see you.