Ep. 37: When narcissists won't let go- how to stop living under their control

You left the relationship, but somehow they’re still controlling your life.

In this episode, I dive into one of the most frustrating realities of post-separation abuse: the narcissistic ex-partner who refuses to let go. Whether they’re using the children, the court system, constant conflict, manipulation, intimidation, or endless communication to maintain control, many protective parents find themselves trapped in a cycle that feels impossible to escape.

You’ll learn:

● Why narcissistic counter-parents continue their abusive tactics long after separation
● The difference between co-parenting and managing a high-conflict personality
● How coercive control often continues after the relationship ends
● The biggest mistakes protective parents make when trying to deal with a narcissist
● Practical strategies to reduce conflict, protect your peace, and reclaim your power
● Why the key to freedom isn’t changing them—it’s changing how you respond
If you’ve ever wondered why your ex seems obsessed with creating chaos, or why they continue to interfere with your life years after separation, this episode will help you understand what’s really happening and what you can do about it.

Because while you may not be able to control the narcissist, you can absolutely learn how to stop giving them control over you.

For more support, resources, and coaching for protective parents navigating narcissistic abuse, coercive control, and high-conflict co-parenting, visit Chantal Contorines Coaching and join our growing community of protective parents who are choosing empowerment over survival.

Visit: https://chantalcontorinescoaching.com to learn how to work with me. 

And find it all here at: https://linktr.ee/chantalcontorinescoaching

Follow me on Instagram: @chantal.contorines.coaching

This podcast is for educational purposes only and is not legal advice. 

Transcript

Audio Only - All Participants 0:01

Welcome everybody to the Survivor's Playbook. I'm your host, Chantal Contorines, and this is the podcast for every survivor of abuse. If abusers can have a playbook, then why can't survivors also have a playbook so that you can learn to live lives you love despite what the abuser in your life does or doesn't do? And today, we are going to be talking about something that almost every protective parent has experienced, yet few people outside of this world truly understand because if they did, parenting plans and court orders would be written so very differently. Mother's Day, Father's Day, birthdays, graduations, vacations, Christmases, Hanukkah, school concert, milestones, the moments that should be filled with joy, connection, and celebration somehow end up filled with conflict, anxiety, disappointment, and chaos. And if you're co-parenting with a narcissistic counter parent, you've probably noticed something. The bigger the occasion, the more important it is to you, the more likely that something will happen. A last-minute crisis, a refusal to cooperate, a conflict over parenting time, an intentional misinterpretation of the court order or parenting plan, a child who suddenly arrives at yours completely dysregulated, a barrage and inundation of text accusations, a manufactured emergency, a guilt trip, or some other tactic designed to ensure that focus shifts away from the celebration and you and your joy and your peace and your happiness and back onto them. Today, we're gonna talk about why this happens, what it really means, and most importantly, how you as protective parents can stop allowing these people to steal moments they can never get back So one of the hardest truths for protective parents to accept is that narcissistic individuals often experience other people's happiness as a direct threat to them. Think about that for a moment. Healthy people really generally enjoy seeing their children happy. Healthy people can celebrate someone else's success. Healthy people can tolerate not being the center and the focus of attention. But for narcissistic individuals, they often struggle with all of the aforementioned. Special occasions represent something they cannot control. The focus is on someone else. The attention is on someone else. The emotional energy is directed somewhere else other than them, and that can trigger feelings of envy, resentment, inadequacy, and/or loss of control. So what do they do? Just like everything else in their lives, they create chaos. They manufacture disturbances, not because they necessarily want the ev-event itself. They want the emotional reaction. They want the attention. They want the disruption. They want proof that they can still influence your emotional state. Remember, they need you far more than you ever thought you needed them, and unfortunately, many protective parents spend weeks preparing for a holiday while the narcissistic counter parent spends weeks preparing to disrupt and undermine it If you've been doing this long enough, you've probably noticed the pattern. Before the event, conflict escalates, demands increase, communication becomes more hostile, new issues suddenly emerge, the child starts repeating strange narratives, the counter parent creates unnecessary complications, then the event arrives. And instead of being present, you're anxious. You're checking your phone, you're waiting for the next text, you're anticipating the next problem, you're emotionally preparing for impact. And that's exactly what the narcissistic individual wants. Because even if they aren't physically present, they're still occupying space in your mind rent-free. They're still controlling the atmosphere. They're still the center of attention. And that's where most protective parents have an opportunity to reclaim their power. One of the most important things I want you to hear is this: your counter parent does not have to ruin your day for your day to feel ruined. Sometimes they simply have to convince you that they've ruined it. There's a difference. You can receive a hostile text and still enjoy your child's birthday. You can experience a parenting conflict and still make beautiful memories on vacation. You can be disappointed and still be present. You can be frustrated and still be joyful If they plan things on your special day, your birthday, Father's Day, Mother's Day reclaim a different day and make that the special occasion. Remember, this is an arbitrary day. You can choose to make a special occasion on your own time The event does not have to become about them. The moment they become the focus, they win. Not legally, not morally, emotionally, mentally, and psychologically, and that's where your power lies. So what I want you to start doing is stop expecting them to behave differently. One of the greatest sources of suffering is expectation. Every year you hope maybe this year they'll be reasonable. Maybe this year they'll think about the children and put them at the forefront of their thoughts and actions and behaviors. Maybe this year they'll cooperate. Maybe this year they'll stop being such jerks. But the evidence says otherwise. Protective parents often exhaust themselves waiting for accountability from people who have never before demonstrated it in their lives. The sooner you stop expecting healthy behavior from unhealthy people, the less vulnerable you become to disappointment, right? If you can anticipate, then you can mitigate. I want you to plan for the predictable. If conflict predictably escalates before special occasions, expect it. Not because you're pessimistic, but because you're realistic. Create boundaries, limit unnecessary communication, handle logistics in advance, reduce opportunities for conflict and engagement. Have contingency plans, plan A, B, C, and maybe all the way through Z. Preparedness reduces panic, anxiety, stress, overwhelm, and their ability to blindside you I want you to start to learn to protect your emotional energy. One hostile text should not have access to your entire day, week, or month. Yet many protective parents spend hours ruminating after receiving one message. This is quite normal. You're not unique if this is you. Ask yourself, does this message require a response? Does this require my attention right now? Is it an emergency, or is it a manufactured emergency that they've created? Just because they say jump doesn't mean you have to say how high. Does this deserve access to this moment? Not every message deserves immediate emotional investment Create the memory anyway. This is the part I wish more protective parents understood. Children remember how they felt. They remember laughter. They remember connection. They remember safety. They remember being seen, heard, supported, and validated. Many protective parents become so focused on preventing disruption that they miss opportunities for joy, connection, engagement, and memory-making. Don't wait for perfect circumstances. Don't wait for the conflict to stop. Don't wait for the narcissistic parent to change. Create the memory anyway. Take the picture. Have the cake. Go on the trip. Celebrate the graduation. Enjoy Mother's Day, maybe a day or a week later. Laugh with your children Your narcissistic counter parent has already taken enough from you already. Do not voluntarily hand over more. More of your time, your energy, your peace, your happiness, your memories, your connection with your chi- with your children. You might say, "But what about when they target the children?" This is where things become particularly painful because by definition, you're a protective parent. That means you wanna protect your children. Sometimes, oftentimes, the disruption isn't directed at you. It's directed at the children because they know the easiest way to get to you is through your children. They guilt them, they manipulate them, they create loyalty conflicts, they pressure them to choose a side. No child should have to choose a side. They compete with special occasions, and this is the heartbreaking reality for every protective parent because your children are being manipulated and used and as weapons to control you. But I need you to remember this. Children eventually recognize patterns, especially if you help them. Not always immediately, not always when we want them to, but over time, consistency reveals character. Remember, I say this so often in all of my work, you are playing the long game. Protective parents often worry about a single holiday, a single day. Children are evaluating years of behavior. Your job isn't to convince them. Your job is to remain consistent, present, engaged, unconditionally loving, stable, available, trustworthy. The truth usually reveals itself through repetition and consistency. At the end of every special occasion, I want you to ask yourself this. Did I allow this person to steal more of my day than they actually took? That's an important distinction because yes, they may have caused problems. In fact, I would wager big money that they probably tried to. Yes, they more than likely created stress. Yes, they may have more than likely behaved terribly. But did they take 20 minutes or did they take the entire day because they occupied your thoughts all day? Did they rob you of the moment or did they take your peace? Those are very different things If you're listening to this and a holiday, a birthday, graduation, Father's Day, Mother's Day, vacation, or special event was recently disrupted by your narcissistic counter parent, I want you to remember something. You are not powerless. You may not control their behavior. You may not be able to control their choices. You may not be able to control the family court system, but you do control what happens next. You control where your attention goes. You control what memories get created by you. You control how much space they occupy in your life. And perhaps more importantly, you control whether you continue building a meaningful life despite what they do because the ultimate act of empowerment isn't getting them to stop. It's refusing to stop living while you wait for them to change Thank you so much for listening to The Survivor's Playbook. If today's episode helped you feel less alone, more confident, more empowered, more capable, more educated, please share it with somebody else who might also need it. And if you're ready for deeper support, you can join my monthly membership or grab free tools on my website. All links are in my show notes. Remember, your clarity is your power. Your calm is your resistance. You are not crazy, you are not alone, and you are not powerless. Until next time, keep going. I see you