Ep. 38: The Truth Protective Parents Need to Hear

As protective parents, it’s easy to become consumed by the damage a narcissistic or abusive counter-parent is causing.
The lies.
But what if you’ve been underestimating your own influence?
In this episode, I explore one of the most important truths protective parents need to hear: your child does not need a perfect parent, they need a safe one.
You’ll learn:
✔ Why one emotionally healthy parent can dramatically impact a child’s long-term well-being
✔ The mistake many protective parents make when trying to counter narcissistic manipulation
✔ Why your influence matters more than you think
✔ What children are actually learning from you, even when it feels like nothing is getting through
✔ How to shift your focus from what you can’t control to where your true power lies
If you’re exhausted, discouraged, and wondering whether your efforts are making a difference, this episode is for you.
Because the love, consistency, and emotional safety you provide may be shaping your child’s future in ways you cannot yet see.

If you’re a protective parent navigating the challenges of co-parenting with a narcissistic or abusive counter-parent, you’re not alone.

💜 Join The Collective: a supportive membership community where protective parents learn practical strategies, receive coaching, and connect with others who truly understand.
💜 Looking for personalized support? My Private 8-Week Coaching Program provides tailored guidance to help you navigate your unique situation with greater confidence and clarity.
Visit: www.chantalcontorinescoaching.com
Follow on Instagram: @chantal.contorines.coaching

Because while you cannot control the chaos your child experiences with the other parent, you can become the safe harbour they return to again and again.

Visit: https://chantalcontorinescoaching.com to learn how to work with me. 

And find it all here at: https://linktr.ee/chantalcontorinescoaching

Follow me on Instagram: @chantal.contorines.coaching

This podcast is for educational purposes only and is not legal advice. 

Transcript

Audio Only - All Participants 0:02

Welcome everybody to the Survivor's Playbook. I'm your host, Chantal Contorines, and this is the podcast for every survivor of abuse. If abusers can have a playbook, then why can't survivors also have a playbook so that you can learn to live lives you love despite what the abuser in your life does or doesn't do. And today, I wanna talk about something that I know weighs heavily on the hearts of so many protective parents. This is the work that I do. These are the stories that I hear. These are the clients and the members that I work with on a daily basis. And I know that this is something that keeps you up at night, that weighs heavily on your mind, that is a source of so much stress and anxiety and overwhelm for you. Something that can feel impossible when you're being forced to, quote, unquote, co-parent with someone who creates chaos, confusion, and conflict at every turn for sport, and that's this: What if I'm not enough? What if their other parent causes too much irreversible damage? What if the love, effort, sacrifices, therapy appointments, school meetings, and sleepless nights still aren't enough to protect my child? I hear this fear every single day, all the time. And if I'm being honest, it's completely understandable that you feel this way. Why? Because by very definition, you're a protective parent, and protective parents are constantly trying to ensure that their children are safe and protected. Because when you're a protective parent, you're often carrying a burden most people will simply never understand. Even the best-meaning, most supportive family and friends, unless they've experienced this, it's truly unfathomable that people will go to such extremes to hurt and control their exes. Because you're not just parenting. You're parenting while someone else is actively undermining your parenting. You're parenting while being blamed for everything. You're parenting while being actively gaslit, not just by your counter parent, but also by the system. You're parenting while watching your child navigate experiences you wish they never had to endure, especially not as children, and especially by somebody who was supposed to love and protect them. And the lie they believe is this: If I can't stop the chaos, then I'm failing my child. Now, in an ideal world, I wanna preface this by saying you'd be able to protect your child because a system would back you up and would do its actual job to protect survivors, both adults and children, from continuing exposure to manipulation, abuse, and harm Unfortunately, for too many, that is not the reality. And I want you to challenge that belief because the most important thing your child needs from you is not perfection. It's not the perfect custody agreement, which you won't get in the system. It's not the perfect legal outcome, which is very unusual, unfortunately. It's not the perfect co-parenting relationship because that ship has sailed if your ex is a counter parent. The most important thing your child needs from you is something much simpler and far more powerful. They simply need one emotionally, mentally, and psychologically safe and sound parent. One. Just one. Think about that for a moment. When children grow up in environments where there is confusion, manipulation, unpredictability, criticism, emotional, mental, psychological instability, they begin looking for anchors, someone who helps them make sense of the world, someone who helps them understand themselves, someone who consistently communicates, "You are safe here. You are loved here. You matter here. You don't have to earn my love." And protective parents often underestimate how powerful that is because you're so focused on what the other parent is doing, and understandably so. Their behavior creates real lived consequences, not only for you, but also for your children. But while you're focused on their influence, on their behavior or their lack thereof, on their parenting, you often forget about your own, and your influence matters more than you think. Research consistently tells us that one stable, emotionally healthy adult can dramatically improve outcomes for children who experience adversity. One adult. That's it. Not ten, not a perfect family, not ideal circumstances. One stable, present adult. That adult can become the lens through which a child learns how relationships work, how conflict gets resolved, how boundaries function, what empathy looks like, how accountability sounds, how emotional safety feels. And for many children navigating a narcissistic parent, that adult is you Now I know some of you are listening and thinking, "But Chantal, my child is acting out. They seem angry. They seem distant. They believe lies about me. They don't appreciate what I'm doing. They keep choosing the other parent. They've stopped talking to me altogether." And I understand how painful that is. It's intentionally designed to be incredibly painful for you. Remember, a counter parent is relentless. This is the premise of post-separation abuse. Simply because the relationship ends does not mean the abuse and manipulation ends as well. I want you to remember this: children don't always show us the impact we're having in real time. I say this all the time. You're playing the long game. Sometimes the seeds we plant today don't bloom for years, sometimes even decades. Sometimes your child won't fully understand your sacrifices until they're adults themselves. Sometimes they won't recognize the manipulation until they have relationships of their own or children of their own. And sometimes they won't see the contrast until they've lived enough life to compare. And that can be heartbreaking because protective parents are often doing the hardest work with the least amount of validation, and it can feel very unfair and unjust because it is. What you're doing, though, is incredibly important because you're teaching emotional intelligence. They're teaching control. You're teaching accountability. They're teaching blame. You're teaching empathy and compassion. They're teaching entitlement. You're teaching connection. They're teaching fear. And fear is often louder in the moment. It's a very powerful motivator. But healthy attachment tends to win in the long run because you're playing the long game. One of the biggest mistakes I see protective parents make is believing they need to counter every lie, every accusation, every manipulation, every distortion of reality and truth. They become exhausted trying to fight every battle, trying to prove every truth, trying to defend every attack. But children don't need a parent who wins every argument. They need a parent who models emotional stability because children are always watching. You know this, right? When you're on the phone and you think your child is occupied doing something else, all of a sudden they're listening to everything you say They're always watching how you respond when you're hurt. They're watching how you handle conflict and adversity. They're watching whether you abandon your values under pressure. They're watching whether kindness survives hardship, and every single day you're teaching them something, even when it feels like nothing is getting through. I want to speak directly to the parent listening right now who feels defeated. The one who cried after drop-off, the one who's exhausted from court, the one who feels like the system has failed them because it has, the one questioning whether they can keep doing this because it's relentless and exhausting on every level, psychologically, mentally, emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually. I want you to hear me. Your child does not need you to be perfect. We never aim for perfection. Your child does not need you to have all the answers. Your child does not need you to fix everything. Your child needs you to stay connected, to stay grounded, to stay available, to stay loving, unconditionally loving, no matter what. I cannot tell you how important that messaging is on repeat in your home. And most importantly, to stay you. Because one of the greatest gifts you give your child is refusing to become like the person who hurt you, refusing to become bitter, refusing to become cruel, refusing to abandon your values, your ethics, and your morals, refusing to stop loving. And that takes incredible resilience, courage, and strength. And if nobody has told you that lately, I want to tell you now. What you're doing matters. It matters more than you will ever understand. Even when you can't see it, even when it feels invisible, even when it feels impossible, it matters. Before we wrap up, I want to leave you with this question. Instead of asking, how do I stop my ex from harming my child? Try asking, how can I become an even stronger source of safety for my child? Because that's where your power lies. Not in controlling the counter parent, not in changing them, hopefully you know this by now, but in becoming the secure foundation your child can always return to Thank you for listening to The Survivor's Playbook. If today's episode helped you feel less alone, more confident, clear, capable, empowered, perhaps even more educated, please share it with somebody else who might also need this validation. And if you're ready for deeper support, you can join my monthly membership or work with me privately in my eight weeks private coaching program, or you can grab all my free tools on my website. All links are in my show notes. Remember, your clarity is your power. Your calm is your resistance. You are not crazy. You are not alone, and you are, in fact, not powerless. Until next time, keep going. I see you