Beyond the Dark Days

Season 1, Episode 23

Trigger warning - discussion of suicide. Please seek help if you need assistance.

Returning home after eight weeks in hospital has been a whirlwind of emotions, especially while processing the loss of two friends from the hospital community and adjusting to life without antidepressants. Despite physical challenges like paresthesia and severe nausea, I'm finding purpose in new directions and learning to celebrate small daily victories.

• Released from hospital on August 4th after eight weeks away
• Processing grief after losing two friends from the hospital community
• Experiencing paresthesia (tingles) and severe nausea as side effects
• Finding joy in feeling emotions again after stopping antidepressants
• Starting a new venture in motivational speaking focused on everyday resilience
• Learning to celebrate small wins like making kids' lunches and daily self-care
• Finding new purpose beyond my former police identity
• Planning to attend a funeral on the South Coast to celebrate a friend's life

Find me on Facebook and Instagram, and don't forget to like and follow. Have a great week and remember to be kind to yourself.

Song of the Week:

Never Not Remember - Cooper Allan

https://youtu.be/s8LA6I4e7j0?si=9xCC8_0UodIsYNat

Thought of the Week:

"There are far far better things ahead than what we leave behind" - CS Lewis

Transcript

Welcome to Episode 23

Speaker 1 0:00

Hey there, welcome to Mad Mel's Mic. Thanks for joining me. My name is Melissa and this is a podcast all about me, about my life, about my life with PTSD, about my life with a husband and kids and friends and everything in between. Thanks for tuning in. Hello and welcome to episode 23. I am excited to tell you I'm recording from home. So I got released on good behavior from hospital. No, just kidding, I don't have good behavior. It's been an interesting week, so let's get this episode started. Welcome again to episode 23. It still astounds me that I keep putting out these episodes and people surprisingly listen Like I've created this podcast for me as a way to express and decompress my week that was and things like that. But I really appreciate everybody listening.

Losing Someone to Suicide

Speaker 1 1:04

So I got home on Monday, the 4th of August. I learned the Sunday before I came home that a good mate from hospital ended her life the day before, so we were all coming to grips with losing somebody to the black dog. So I just wanted to start with the song of the week, and it is Never Not Remember you by Cooper Allen. So have a listen. Oh, I'll cry because it's over. Smile because we had you Packed a whole lot of living, even though it ended all too soon, and in time I'll start healing. But even when I get that feeling, no matter where I go, what I do, I'll never not remember you. What a beautiful and touching song. And I think it's so important to remember the good times that we had with people and, as much as it is sad that they aren't with us any longer, that even with everything my mate was going through, she's now at peace. And I think when it comes to suicide, it hits differently than any other death. And I think it hits differently because I understand being in that dark place and I think it's important to remember that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem and although we at the time don't feel like it's a temporary problem, but if we can just make it through that one minute and then hopefully the next minute turns into another minute, and then another minute and then another minute, and then hopefully, over time, those minutes will turn into hours and hours will turn into days and the days will turn into weeks and I just my heart just breaks to know that we have lost another one to the black dogs. So please be kind to yourself, please be gentle and if you need any help, please reach out, and there's lots of different services available or click me a message or whatever. But just remember you're not in this alone and yes, the dark days are dark, but I can guarantee you that the dark days aren't going to be around forever. And unfortunately, we can't just move our magic wand and everything will be better. But we can rest assured, knowing that today might be hard but tomorrow might be a little bit better, and we just need to cling on to that hope that tomorrow might be better. So let's look after one another.

Returning Home After Hospital

Speaker 1 4:01

But in saying, I wanted to discuss what's happened with me in the last week. It's been a whirlwind of a week. So I got back on Monday and about 9.30, 34 o'clock it was Mackenzie's birthday, so my parents came up as well. So it was a lot just getting home from hospital and having visitors as well. And as much as I love mum and dad, it can be quite draining and I apologise if you listen to this. Mum and dad, I do love you, but yeah, so we went to basketball, watched the kids play.

Side Effects and Health Challenges

Speaker 1 4:37

Nothing had changed in the whole eight weeks. I was away because the girls were fighting on the court. It's like, well, I haven't missed anything. The girls were fighting on the court and it's like, well, I haven't missed anything. But look, it was good to be there with them and get back into some type of normalcy and routine and things like that. So I've been at home now for just over a week and I am still off my antidepressants and it's been quite reassuring because I'm feeling things again. That numbness and emptiness inside has sort of changed and just being able to show emotions at the TV shows or books or something like that, it's quite refreshing. Don't get me wrong. I'm not bawling my eyes out in the front and center, and if I was I think there would be some concern. But it's nice just to be able to have that little bit of normalcy about it. So I am still having the tingles which the correct diagnosis of that is called paraceasure and after some Googling it can last for a couple of days or forever. So hopefully we'll know more once I go see the neurologist on the 1st of September.

Speaker 1 5:52

I have started to experience a new sort of side effect and I'm not sure whether or not that's from still withdrawing from the antidepressants, because it's only been about two weeks since I have come off them, but it could also be a side effect of the paracetamol as well. But I have been incredibly nauseous, like so much to the point where I took a pregnancy test just to make sure, like I was convinced I was not pregnant. But I think, for a lot of women can understand that as soon as you start to feel nauseous you go, oh shit is it? And look, I love my kids, but I couldn't imagine having a baby at 41. And by the time I had the said baby that isn't true, isn't happening. Um, I'd be 42. So that just sort of sent me into a spin and look, I'm pretty good at catastrophizing things on the best of days. So it was. It was, oh, it was very, very relieved to see that negative pregnancy test come out.

Speaker 1 6:51

But it doesn't stop the nauseousness and it hasn't changed how I'm feeling physically. Like I'm just physically drained. Like as soon as I eat something it either goes straight through me and I'm pooping it out, or it's coming up the other end and I'm spewing it out. So it's been a whirlwind. I have booked in to see my GP in the next couple of days to get a referral for MRI. I'm not concerned. There's anything sinister there, and if I have to live with the tingles forever, then so be it, but I can't live with this nauseousness. It's just takes it out of me. I'm just like I get up and do a little bit of washing or something and then I've got to sit back down just because I'm just physically drained and it's a lot. It really really is a lot, um.

Speaker 1 7:48

So yeah, the week that was I've just been trying to settle back into a routine last week was there was sort of no routine because mum and dad were here as well. So I couldn't get into that little routine. And it's amazing how much you learn to appreciate what you have when you don't have it, and things like me being at home alone during the day without having to have conversations with people. I really thrive off that and it's nice to get up and get into a good routine and get the kids breakfast again and make their lunches and get them off to school and things like that. So, yeah, it's been nice and it's certainly nice sleeping in my own bed again, that's for sure.

Processing Grief and Loss

Speaker 1 8:41

But yeah, this week has been full on and I think the hardest thing that has made it full on is that I'm still trying to come to terms with the passing of my mate and then, two days after we learned about her, one of our other mates in hospital he also passed away suddenly. He didn't take his own life, but apparently he had been crook for a little while, or not crook, but he had lost a significant amount of weight and so he was undergoing tests and things like that. So he passed away peacefully in his sleep. So, in terms of the hospital, we're all coming to terms with the loss of these amazing humans and just being able to process it and things like that. It's just going to take time, and I just want to send my love out to all the families who have lost somebody recently, either to suicide or other causes. Please be kind to yourself, and the grieving process does take its time. So, yes, please, please, look after yourself and one another. But on a more positive note, I have made a life decision and, emma, I know you're probably only going to be hearing about this now, so welcome to the news.

New Venture: Motivational Speaking

Speaker 1 9:59

Um, I have decided to take my podcast on a. I'm still going to be doing the podcast. If nobody listens to it. I find it very cathartic just to. It's almost like my journaling. I literally sit down and talk and when I first started it I'd have dot points and things like that about what I wanted to address in each episode. But I don't even have that anymore. I literally just get on and go okay, what is it today, what am I feeling today and what can I do to help myself in that? So I wanted to use the platform of Mad Mel's Mic to get into motivational speaking, and not motivational speaking in the sense of let's beat ourselves on our chest and pump each other up and things like that.

Speaker 1 10:54

But I just think that my story and my journey is something that is not unachievable for everybody. So I'm not going out there and climbing Everest and talking about resilience. I'm not going out there and fixing the world and solving our problems and things like that. But I think that people will be able to benefit from my story because it's grassroots, it's what we can do in the everyday to help ourselves and to help those around us. So I'm hopeful that in the next few months or so I can get that up and running.

Speaker 1 11:40

So if you would like me to come and do a presentation, I haven't done one yet, so it might be shit. Um I'm more than happy to. I know in the last couple of years I had spoken to the hospital about maybe doing a presentation on the um, on the program, and I sort of left that in the the hands of the nurses and I haven't heard anything back about it. But that's fine. But when I was in hospital in hospital the hospital's affiliated with the uni and there were some students there and I was just chatting to the students about my podcast because I love to spruce it wherever I can and I think that the more people who listen to it the better and one of the student nurses actually suggested that I do a little presentation to the other students and stuff like that. So that's something I want to get into and speak to the educator at the hospital and if I can provide any insight.

Speaker 1 12:44

I always found it more relatable and more humbling when you have lectures or presentations from somebody who has lived experience. And my lived experience is very specific to work-related trauma and it is very different to those who experience PTSD from a personal trauma, tsd from a personal trauma. So for me I've been able to cut ties with the police and use that disassociation to help my healing, but then that also doesn't always happen because my husband is still in the police, so I can't sever ties completely. So it's been about for me trying to balance that as well. So, yeah, so watch this space.

Speaker 1 13:34

As I mentioned before, I am on TikTok now. I still haven't put anything up. It's just been one of those weeks where I've just been trying to get all my ducks in a row, and if anybody's seen that meme about they're getting their ducks in a row, they don't even know where the ducks are. And that's pretty much where I'm standing at the moment. So, yes, but in all seriousness, if you would like me to come and have a chat at anything, I am more than happy to start this new venture, and it's been quite um comforting to know that I have created my own purpose. And yes, I know I have purpose as a mother and a wife, but it's when I left the cops. You lose that identity and you lose that purpose. And it's been very, very nice for me to have something positive to work on, whether that's this podcast or putting my notes together for my presentation and things like that.

Finding Purpose in Small Wins

Speaker 1 14:37

So my intention isn't to talk about trauma in these presentations. My intention is to talk about how we can take the small wins of our everyday life and rejoice in them. Because look, let's be honest, there's amazing people who climb Everest, but there's no flowers at the top of Everest. They're all down at the bottom. They're at the grass roots. So I think it's important to talk about resilience on a day-to-day basis, because we have such hard lives, and then you throw in mental health in that as well, and we're trying so hard to keep up with the Joneses. We're trying so hard to make our Facebook posts look amazing, because everybody's life is perfect on Facebook, but when in reality, it's all rather than shit Not necessarily shit, but kids are assholes. We love them, but they're hard work. So so watch this space and we will take small rewards by brushing our teeth every day or every second day let's not add too high or getting out of bed or making your kids lunches, and things like that.

Speaker 1 15:44

Let's rejoice on the small wins, because they're the ones that matter. They're the ones that go unseen, but they're the ones that matter to us, and I think it's important that we take one step at a time and works through all our pain and our sorrow and our grief, whether it's grieving for somebody or grieving for your job, or different things or your identity, like it's such a huge, huge rage range of things that we need to be working on. But let's just pick the small things and start small and rejoice in those small wins. So let's finish this episode for the week and I will endeavor. Hopefully the next time I record I'll put something on TikTok and look, please message me and tell me to put my finger around my ass and get on there.

Speaker 1 16:38

Um, I've even got a gimbal like gee, we're flashing this house like we've got a house of gadgets, gadgets everywhere I look. But I've got it and I'm frantically working on a painting at the moment because one of the nurses want me to submit it into a competition in Katoomba. So I feel like my head's just spinning. I've got a lot going on and I'm heading down the south coast on Sunday. There I'm head to the funeral. So look, it's bittersweet, it's. It's going to be nice to catch up with a lot of people from hospital, but it's obviously there for a funeral. So it's going to be, um, sad, but we will have fun and we'll celebrate her life.

Episode Closing and Week Ahead

Speaker 1 17:25

So let's just finish on the thought of the week, and the thought of the week is none other than CS Lewis, and it goes there are far, far better things ahead than anything we leave behind. So just remember that the best is yet to come. Please have a good week and please be kind to yourself. Thanks for tuning in to Mad Mel's Mic. I'm Melissa Smith and I hope you've enjoyed listening. You can find me on Facebook and Instagram and don't forget to like and follow. Have a great week and don't forget to be kind to yourself.