Finding Joy Again

Back home after hospital, I'm navigating my emotional landscape while balancing adventures with the need for self-care. My journey includes attending a friend's funeral and weekend trips that have taught me about finding joy amid healing.

• Attended a beautiful beachside funeral for a hospital friend, complete with meaningful music (Broken Halos and Luke Combs)
• Still working through feelings of shame around crying despite knowing tears are healthy
• Weekend trip to Canberra featuring pickleball, electric scooter adventures, and a comedy show
• Discovered new purpose in developing "resilience speaking" presentations
• Finding balance between rest and experiences while recently off medication
• Upcoming neurologist appointment to discuss potential TMS treatment

Thanks for tuning in to Mad Mel's Mic. I'm Melissa Smith and I hope you've enjoyed listening. You can find me on Facebook and Instagram and don't forget to like and follow. Have a great week and don't forget to be kind to yourself.

Transcript

Welcome to Episode 25

Speaker 1 0:00

Hey there, welcome to Mad Mel's Mic. Thanks for joining me. My name is Melissa and this is a podcast all about me, about my life, about my life with PTSD, about my life with a husband and kids and friends and everything in between. Thanks for tuning in. Hey everybody, and welcome to episode 25. It's a lot, isn't it? 25 episodes? How exciting. It's a lot, isn't it? 25 episodes. How exciting. It's been actually a couple of weeks since I've recorded, but there's been a bit going on, so let's get this episode started. Welcome again to everybody who has tuned in. Thank you for listening. I really do appreciate it. So it's been. I know I recorded the episode for last week with Cliff, but it's been about two weeks since I've given you an update about what's going on with me. I'm still home, which is exciting.

Attending My Friend's Funeral

Speaker 1 1:00

I've had a couple of adventures away and the first one was last week and I went to my mate's funeral down the south coast and that was a lot. It was a big couple of days. It was really nice to hang out with my mates from hospital outside of hospital, so it was quite interesting to see everybody's outside of hospitals, antics and things like that, and I can say that people like to drink. I don't drink, so it was. It was good, like. The funeral was a lovely service and it got me because the first song they played was Broken Halos and for those who know me know how much I love that song. It was the first song I played on my very first episode and that hit deep. And my mate, whose funeral we were at her favourite artist was Luke Combs, and I was just sitting out on the balcony before we went to the funeral and I said, look, I put money on it that there'll be a Luke Combs song and I bet you it's. Life Goes On with Ed Sheeran and yep, that came on as well. So it was a lovely, lovely service and it was a beautiful setting right in front of the beach and the windows were open and so we could listen to the waves crashing on the sand and it was really, really beautiful. It was a beautiful way to send off an even beautiful human. So that was a lot. We spent two nights down there and I was tired. It was a big, emotionally draining and physically exhausting, and I just need to be conscious that the day of the funeral I had only been home from hospital for two weeks and I'm still off medication. So I need to be kind to myself and and just take each day as it comes.

Song of the Week: Crying Is Okay

Speaker 1 2:54

So let's jump into the song of the week, which is I'll Stand by you by the Pretenders. Have a listen. Oh, why you look so sad Tears out in your eyes. Come on and come to me now. Don't be ashamed to cry. Let me see you through, as I've seen the dark side too. What a beautiful song.

Speaker 1 3:36

I think it resonates with me in just that little snippet that I played, where it says don't be afraid to cry. And I know I have said this over and over again in my episodes that there is no shame in crying. And and now that I have my feelings back and I am able to show emotion, whether that be sad or tears or anger, whatever it is I still can't help but feel shame in crying, and I know that's rationally not true. So that's something I really need to work on, because crying is really really good. It's good for us. But I don't know, maybe because I was so numb for so long I had just gone. Yeah, I want to cry, I want to cry, let's do this. And I cry and I feel great after it, because a good cry is always quite nice. But then it's like part of me still inside is like don't cry, you look weak. Don't cry, like what are people going to think of you? But there's nothing wrong with that. So I need to keep telling myself that it's okay to feel like this and these emotions are okay and they're emotions relevant to what I'm feeling at the time and there's no shame in that.

Speaker 1 4:57

So, as much as I keep telling you guys that cry away, I understand that it's difficult to get rid of that stigma of feeling weak and vulnerable and things like that, but there's no shame in that and there's bravery in that. It's hard. It's easier to say than to actually do. So that's something that I think I need to work on. That's not going to happen overnight. Aren't these things with anything? With mental health illnesses? It's a journey and it's a roller coaster and it's the ups and the downs. And is my rational head talking louder than my irrational head today? Or is it the other way around, which is quite often the case, where my irrational head is just screaming at me and then, when I am feeling vulnerable and sad, that's when the irrational part of my brain switches on and goes are you weak bitch? Stop crying. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So it's an ongoing, constant battle. So, yes, it's been fun trying to navigate that new sort of shame that associated with this. So I think it's something that I will continue to work on. So watch this space.

Canberra Adventures and Pickleball

Speaker 1 6:13

So, as I said, there was about 15 of us that went down to hospital, went down from hospital to the funeral, and it was really nice actually, and then I was home. I got home Tuesday and then packed my bags again on Friday and went to Canberra for the weekend with a couple of mates and we had the best time, like we had so much fun. Friday night we went and played pickleball and I think it's funny because where I live, we have a population of 40,000. Like it's not a huge town, like big for regional New South Wales, but not particularly huge and it's bigger than other regional towns that I've lived in of about 2,000 people. So my mate and I we love pickleball and so we thought, oh, while we're here, let's go see what we can do for pickleball on Friday night. Well, while we're here, let's go see what we can do for pickleball on Friday night.

Speaker 1 7:11

Anyway, so, making the assumptions being Canberra, where there's 400 odd, nearly 500 odd thousand people who live there, like I thought would assume and I know that makes an ass out of you and me that pickleball would be big. Anyway, we had issues finding it. We eventually found it and there were four of us there and I'm so glad we went. We had a great time. But I just expected more people to be there and I think I was a little bit disappointed to go. Oh, there's only two other people, me and my mate. Like, we still played for about an hour and still had a great old time. But you know, I think I was just expecting a little bit more from the Canberrians. So pull your finger out of your arse and get in the pickleball, it's great fun.

Speaker 1 7:53

So after we went to pickleball normally after pickleball when we play in town we played at the bowling club and we play for an hour or so and then we have dinner and then we have a little slap on the pokies. And I'm just going to put a disclaimer here I do not use pokies as an addiction. I don't have an addiction to it, but it is something that I am very mindful of. But we just had to have a bit of fun every Friday night. We're normally home by nine, in bed by 9, 30, like it's not a huge night. So we thought we would go to the casino. One of the ladies at pickleball goes on I don't go to the casino, go to this other club anyway. So we walk up to this other club and we look I don't know Canberra particularly well, so we parked and, unbeknownst to us, we're probably only two blocks from where we were staying, so I could have parked there and then just walked everywhere. But anyway, hindsight's a wonderful thing. So we went to this pub club thing, and it was tiny and it was full.

Speaker 1 8:56

And for those of you who don't know, I follow the football. My whole family support Penrith and if I didn't support Penrith I wouldn't be married. And we have supported Penrith even when they were losing. So it's not just you're supporting Penrith because they're winning and they've won the last four premierships. No rain, hail or shine, we are Penrith supporters, anyway.

Electric Scooters and Comedy Shows

Speaker 1 9:21

So we walk into this pub and I knew Penrith were playing. I didn't know who they were playing and I walk in and Penrith are playing Canberra and it was on the massive screen there and there were people everywhere watching this game and there was only 10 minutes left to go of the game and Penrith were currently up 16 to 12. I'm going okay, this is good, this is good. And then it turned pet shaped. Canberra got in, the try got disallowed and the crowd in the pubs getting louder and louder and louder. And then Canberra get louder and louder and louder, and then Canberra get in and score a try, and then it's even at 16 all. And then the next thing, they miss the conversion and then it's in Golden Point and I've never been like. The atmosphere was amazing and I was too scared to let anybody know that I'm actually a Penrith supporter because I'm in the ACT, like I'm in their territory, so I just watched it. Anyway, long story short, penrith ended up losing and the crowd went berserk. So it was actually really fun to go and watch that in that atmosphere, even if it was the last 15 minutes of the game, and that included golden points.

Speaker 1 10:37

So we grabbed some dinner and then put a couple of bucks in the pokies and the pokies were shit. So let's go to the casino. We wanted to. So we jump on a couple of electric scooters and ride down to the casino and Beck and I are still in our active way from pickleball and we walk into this casino and it's flash like it's really really fun not particularly huge, certainly nothing on star city in sydney, but it was very, very fancy. And we learned that there were no pokies at the casino, which I just find baffling Like how can licensed premises not have pokies? Anyway, so we quickly walked out of there and jumped back on an electric scooter and rode to another place and we just seemed to went from place to place on these electric scooters and it was so much fun, like we were just having a great old time, so we eventually got home. Great old time.

Speaker 1 11:42

So we eventually got home, we didn't have a late night and we went most places on our electric scooters, which was really fun. In New South Wales it's not legal to ride electric scooters, which I just think is stupid, because they're fun and if you wear a helmet they're safe. I didn't wear a helmet, but yeah, it was lots of fun. And then so the next day it was still only just Bec and I and Matt Dickhead. Matt ended up coming on the Saturday night as well, so I went and caught up with some mates who I met through camping. So that was lovely. Bec and I wandered through a sex shop and that was educating, so that was quite fun.

Speaker 1 12:24

Beck and I had no idea we're useless, anyway. And then from there we went to Lake Burley Griffith Is it Griffith or Griffin? Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. And we jumped back on some electric scooters and scooted around the lake. Not the whole way. We sort of got a bit lost. And we jumped back on some electric scooters and scooted around the lake. Not the whole way. We sort of got a bit lost. And I know that sounds really silly because it's Canberra and it's not particularly hard to get. Not particularly easy to get lost, and when you're scootering around a lake it's probably even easier, but anyway. So we did about 5Ks but my back was killing me and my shoulder blades and I said I can't do it anymore. So we ended up packing that up. But we're actually in Canberra to see Ursula Carlson, the South African, new Zealand comedian, and it's amazing.

Speaker 1 13:09

I had big intentions and I had said to Beck I'm going to take my podcast business cards and I'm going to find Ursula and I'm going to talk to her about my podcast and go from there Anyway. So that was my intention. So Matt had turned up by this stage and we said, look, parking is quite, because we were staying right in the middle of the city and the. So we were staying right in the middle of the city and the. So we were staying right in the middle of the city and and parking around there is quite crap, and we had parking from where we were staying, which was very helpful. But, um, we ended up scootering over, which was quite funny because I don't know.

Speaker 1 13:54

I made another assumption again that matt would be able to ride a scooter. But he can't ride a fucking scooter, he's useless Anyway. So I don't know what he was doing. He just could not ride this scooter and Beck and I, just giggling our tits off like at him, we ended up stacking it at some set of lights and running into a temporary fence. We were just pissing ourselves, laughing. It was so, so funny Anyway.

Speaker 1 14:22

So we ended up finding a beautiful Chinese restaurant and we had Chinese for dinner, and then we get to the show and I've gone. Shit, I forgot my business card. It's for my podcast. And then I think Beck or Matt goes oh, do you want me to go back and get? I'm gonna. That's fine, like, don't worry about it anyway. So we rock up and it's amazing, the people you run into. Like I ran into a couple who I used to work with in Walgut 10 years ago, and Beck ran into somebody else from town and Matt ran into somebody he grew up with. Like we're not anywhere near home and we're still running into people. We know it's such a small world, anyway.

Speaker 1 15:01

So I'm lining up, I needed some water. So I was lining up at the bar and standing there just waiting. Anyway, these five or six ladies come up behind me and I don't know how we got chatting. I could tell that they had been drinking. They were very happy, very, very lovely Anyway. So I'm standing there going look, you'll be happy to know I'm not going to buy all your alcohol. She goes what are you talking about? I said I'm only here for water, anyway. So they ended up finding that they had free water there.

Speaker 1 15:31

So I got yarn into these ladies and just asked where they were from. And they were from the Snowys and I said oh, you should listen to my podcast. They go oh, what are you a comedian? I've gone, fuck, no. Anyway. So here I am in the line for the bar sprucing my podcast. Anyway, I'm trying, I'm trying hard to get it out there. So please, please, share, tell everybody. The more that this can get out to you, the better.

Speaker 1 15:54

So go back to my seat and I'm sitting in between Matt and Bec and Ursula comes on and starts the show and literally the first thing she starts talking about is how much she hates podcasts. She doesn't want to waste the time listening to other people ramble on about shit. And I just look at Bec, go and think, fuck, I didn't bring my business cards Although I'm probably still going to send this episode to her and go hey, have a listen. I know you hate podcasts, but here I am, you haven't listened to mine yet, so I might be the reason she actually starts loving podcasts. That's a good idea actually. Anyway, it was a great show and if you get a chance to go and see her, I'm worn Like she was up on stage for an hour and 30, hour and 40 minutes and we just laughed like barely laughed, the entire time.

Happiness Is an Inside Job

Speaker 1 16:46

She's crude, she's smutty, she swears, but I don't know. For me it just sort of seeing her up there resonated and empowered me about what I want to do, about my motivational speaking or what I am now starting to call it, is resilient speaking, so I just went. I can, I can do this and I can feel myself moving in that direction. So, and even if nothing comes of it, it has been such a good purpose for me because I have been able to go okay, let's, let's work on this presentation a little bit today and instead of just going, oh, what am I going to do today? And it's nice to be able to have that, that power and that purpose to give you a bit of a reason to, to give you another reason, because I've got lots of reasons to get out of bed, as much as it is hard sometimes, but just that other one that is for me, and I know that when I was going to work, that was for me and, like, in the last four years, I've gotten up because of I need to get the kids up and ready for school, or I need to do this or that, and so there wasn't any purpose specifically just for me, and I found that very, very empowering.

Speaker 1 18:06

So, look, we had a fantastic weekend. We ended up having breakfast on Sunday morning before we headed home at a little sort of village I can't remember what it was called like Gold Creek Village or something like that, next to Cochington Green. It was just a lovely, lovely getaway and it's nice to be home, because in the two weeks I've been home I've done two trips and it's tiring, so I've got to also go away next week, because I'm only going to do a day trip though, because I need to see the neurologist. So that'll be good to sort of get all that all clear from that and find out some news about TMS, if I am allowed to have TMS again, and things like that. So, yes, as I always do, I'm going to finish with the thought of the week, and it is this week.

Speaker 1 19:04

Happiness is an inside job. Don't assign anyone else that much power over your life, and that's so true. We give people who don't deserve it the power to make ourselves happy, but we can only bring that happiness to ourselves. So have a good week, everybody, and please be kind to yourself. Catch you next week. Thanks for tuning in to Mad Mel's Mic. I'm Melissa Smith and I hope you've enjoyed listening. You can find me on Facebook and Instagram and don't forget to like and follow. Have a great week and don't forget to be kind to yourself.