Masking, Meds, and the Long Walk Back to Myself

Welcome to Episode 29!

The song of the week is Taylor Swift’s “I Can Do It With a Broken Heart”—a fitting soundtrack for this season of life for me. I then open up about the emotional aftermath of coming off strong anti-depressants, with the standout achievement being: I haven’t neck-throated a single soul. Progress!

Then I dive into the mosaic of life lately:

• Rory's Year 12 graduation
• starting my very own veggie garden
• volunteering at an ultra and reconnecting with community
• starting Couch-to-5K with physio guidance and patience
• big aims: UTA waitlist, Sydney Marathon ballot, future 100 miler
• joined the One Step Forward f100km walking/running challenge in the month of October with the Black Dog Institute 
• teenagers, pickleball, and the changing texture of home life

The final thought of the week: “Positive vibes only” isn’t a thing. Humans have a wide range of emotions and that's ok.

Song of the Week:

Taylor Swift: I Can Do It With A Broken Heart

https://youtu.be/Sl6en1NPTYM?si=x9WW9PCPhgANZ3rD

Transcript

Welcome and Song of the Week

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Hey there, welcome to Mad Male's Mike. Thanks for joining me. My name is Melissa and this is a podcast all about me. About my life. About my life with PTSD. About my life with the husband and kids and friends and everything in between. Thanks for tuning in. Welcome everybody to Mad Male's Mike. This is episode 29. I just want to take a moment to thank everybody who listened to the last episode with Mel and I. It was nice to have a chat with her and have some giggles and laughs. So thanks for listening. If you haven't listened to it, you can always go back and have a listen now. But let's get episode 29 started. Welcome again to episode 29. Those who are just tuning in now, I'm Mel, and this is a podcast, it's virtually just a podcast in a did diary type thing. All about my life. So I hope you enjoy it. This week I wanted to have a chat about how I'm going without my meds and things like that. And just a bit of a general rundown of what I've been up to over the last couple of weeks and stuff like that. But let's start with the song of the week. And it's going to surprise you because I have certainly made it very well unknown that I am a Taylor Swift fan. So this is a song by Taylor called I Can Do It With a Broken Heart.

SPEAKER_00 1:33

I was gonna do it.

Life After Antidepressants: Feeling Returns

Regulating Emotions with Real Tools

Motivation, Small Joys, and Purpose

Family Milestones and School Leavers

Volunteering at the Ultra and Community

Running Again: Rehab to 5K

Big Goals: UTA, Sydney, 100 Miler Dreams

Fundraising for Mental Health: 100K Challenge

Teenagers, Pickleball, and Daily Life

Thought of the Week and Closing

SPEAKER_01 1:53

First of all, I want to mention that yes, she is specifically talking about a breakup, which most of her songs are about. But what I liked in this song is where she discusses or where she sings about how she's so depressed, but she acts like it's her birthday. And I think that's something that those who are on their mental health journey can resonate with because we become very good at masking to everybody, to outsiders, but I think we've become very, very good at also also masking it to ourselves. So it was just it's what I like about the song is that it's so catchy and it's upbeat and things like that, but she's talking about such a shit circumstances, but I don't know. I really like it. I hope you like it too. I'll pop it up in the show notes and uh we'll add it to the Spotify playlist. So with that being said, I wanted to discuss my emotions because after being on antidepressants for four odd years, give or take, and particularly the last sort of over two years, I've been on quite strong antidepressants, and what I found with that is that I became very numb and I couldn't feel anything. And like there's points in your life and times where you need to cry, and crying is acceptable. And for the life of me, I just could not do it. And I remember saying to my husband, like I just want to cry. He goes, Well, cry, I'm going, but I can't, like, I physically can't cry, like I just don't feel anything. So that in hindsight, it sort of left our household quite not dulled, but I found that I wasn't reacting to things in a normal way. And that might be when one of the kids did something wrong, I would either explode, or then at the complete opposite end of the scale, I'd just shrug my shoulders and walk away. There was sort of nothing in between, and just little things like the dogs doing stupid shit like that. I'd just sort of let it slide because I didn't feel anything, so I couldn't get irritated or worked up about it. But now that I'm off these antidepressants, I tell you what, I can feel again. And I know that's a nice feeling, being able to feel and cry when I'm meant to be crying and be angry or irritated when I'm meant to be angry or irritated. But what I'm finding quite difficult is regulating those emotions. And well, not difficult because I think I'm doing a good job, and I'm giving myself accolades here, and I I use the measurement of doing a good job is if I haven't throat punched anybody yet. And I can humbly say that I have not throat punched anybody, so I would take and I'm gonna take that as a win. But just little things that hadn't bothered me for years, and for example, my dog, one of the dogs, Oscar, I've got three of them. He's old, like he's 12 and a half, and he's he's old, but he has this thing of licking his legs, like they all sleep in our room with us, and he gets into bed, and I might still be reading or whatever. He gets into the his bed on the floor and um starts licking, and it grinds me, like it just works me up so so much. So I've had to come up with little strategies which I've learnt over the course of my inpatient and outpatient stays at the hospital. And I started box breathing to deal with this because I could feel the anger just coming up from the pit of my belly, going, like, I am going to throttle this dog or punch a hole in the wall or something because I was so worked up over this noise. And I've just gone, I this is so new. And like six before I went to hospital, he was doing it then. Like, this is not a new thing that he's just started doing, but it's new for me because I haven't been able to feel anything, so I've just been able to let it slide, and it's it's been quite interesting and fun trying to navigate these new sort of emotions and things like that, but it's it's been a journey, and I know that this is what I need to go through because if I can stay off antidepressants, I would very much do that. However, I just want to say I'm not opposed to going back on them if I need them, and I can honestly say that going on those antidepressants, the stronger ones, they they save my life, and there is a purpose for them in this world. And if that's where you are at the moment and you need to be on antibiotics, take no shame in that because they are there to help us. So yeah, it's been it's been a roller coaster of emotions the last sort of six or so weeks since I've been home. It might have been me eight weeks now, I can't keep up. But yeah, it's it's been fun. But feeling happy and excited about things as well, and just that having that little bit of extra motivation to go, you know what, let's go have a coffee today, or or go for a walk today, or you know what, let's plant a garden. Like little things like that. Like I haven't had that motivation for so long that I've actually put in a veggie garden down the side of the house, so it's nice to watch that grow and it gets me out of the house so I can water it every day. So, yeah, just little purposes like that, and that excitement is something that has been very rewarding, and knowing that getting off these meds at this point was the right thing for me, and that's not to say that you need to get off your antidepressants. I'm just saying that it was my time to get off these antidepressants and work hard at myself and these emotions. So give yourself some credit as to where you are now. This is a long road of ups and downs and things that may or may not work, and it's trial and error, and it's fucking hard work. But keep in there, you've got this and be strong. So let's quickly have a chat about what I've been up to in the last couple of weeks and things like that. I've been settling at home. Rory graduated high school, which was really nice. She had a formal assembly on the 25th of September, and it was just nice to see her get up on the stage and receive her award because she's worked hard at what she's got, so she's only got her final exams to go, which are in October, and she's got early entry into uni, which is nice, so she doesn't have that extra added pressure. So that was an exciting day. They played heaps of fun games for their final week of school, and they just seeing all the kids having such a ball was it was really nice and made me happy, so that was really good. Mel and I have been up to our usual antics. She messaged me, we have a Ultra Marathon, Ultra Trail Marathon in town once a year. It's called Lonely Mountain Ultra, and it's up in the mountains. And the first year they this was only their fourth year, I think. And the first year, Mel and I did the 11k, and then for the following year, I was in a moon boot, and I haven't run since then. So she messages me literally, must have been on the Thursday night, and I think the race was on Saturday. I think the 100 miles, so the most, the longest distance they do is 100 miles, which is a bloody long way, it's about 160Ks. And she messages me on the Thursday saying, Do you want to hike the 11k for Lonely Mountain? I've gone, bloody hell, like I don't think I've got that in me. Like the elevation's pretty gnarly, etc. etc. She goes, Oh, all we can volunteer. And I hadn't really responded yet. She goes, That's all right, we're volunteering. I've gone, okay, like sure, let's volunteer. So we put in to do volunteering Sunday, sorry, for Saturday morning, because I had to leave quite early Sunday morning to go to a family get together in Sydney. So I really didn't want to do anything Saturday Avo, but Unbeknownst to Me, she had put on hers that she could possibly do 6 pm. And we had both put in the request that we are on a station together, whatever whatever that looked like. So we got confirmation that we were going to be volunteering, and it was from 6 pm till midnight. I've just gone, what have I done? Like, I shall be in bed at this time. Like I'm in bed by 8, 8:30 at the latest, and I haven't seen midnight for a long, long time. Um so we ended up messaging them back saying, Look, we've got to head to Sydney the next morning. Is there any chance that we can do it? And finish at 11. And they said, Yeah, there's no dramas at all. So we turn up and look, for the first half an hour or so it was pretty bald, but we were at the race village, sort of the start and finish, and there's a transition tent, so those who are doing the longer kilometres come in on separate loops and refuel and stuff like that. So, and I actually really enjoyed it. It was nice being back in the running community, it was nice seeing a lot of my friends who I haven't seen for years because I've been out of that scene, and it sparked a little bit of motivation into wanting to get back into it. So, as everybody knows, I've had issues with ongoing issues with my ankle, and I've been seeing a physio, and I've got permission to start running. So another mate and I have started doing the couch to 5K's, and we the when we started, we had to do a benchmark run, and you had to do like a four-minute warm-up walk and then a five-minute run. And I looked at it, went, I can't run for five minutes, like this is crazy. I haven't run for years. I am so unfit. I'm still carrying a little bit too much weight, but let's just give it a crack. So we ended up just running from light post to light post, but it's nice to be having that little bit of motivation again. So Mel and I have joined the waiting list to get tickets to the UTA, which is the Ultra Trail Australia massive event in Katoomba for May next year. All the tickets sell out really, really quickly. So we're on the waiting list. So hopefully we can both get a ticket each and we can do that. We've also, because we always buy off more than we can chew, and this is so typical of the MELs, we put in for the ballot to do the Sydney marathon. I've actually never run a road marathon distance before. I've done two 50-kilometre trail events. I've run half marathons and 10K's and 5K's and things like that, but I've never actually done a road marathon. And if I can get into Sydney Marathon, that'd be pretty cool, like running through the streets of the city and stuff like that. So fingers crossed, I get that. But then stupidly, I'm in my head, I can't, I'm my own worst enemy, and I know that. Like I always strive for sometimes more than what I can actually attain. But I um was at the physio after I volunteered at Lonely Mountain, and I said to the physio, I told her that we had done that, and I said to her, So I'm thinking about doing the 100 miler next year. And she goes, Oh, wow. I've gone, no, I was just being silly. But then I went, actually, you know what? Maybe I do want to do 100 miles. I just think that's such a massive achievement, and I would love to go back to Rotarua and do it there because it was just a fantastic event, and the volunteers who run it, and those who help in the setup and organization and stuff like that, are just beautiful, beautiful people. And their aid stations are amazing. Well, they were on the 50k when I did it a few years ago. It was just the smorgasbord of food, and like each aid station had a different theme, like Hawaiian or Day of the Dead, and things like that. So it was just really, really fun. So I was thinking that maybe for my 50th, which is eight and a half years away, I could maybe do it then. And I was telling my husband last night that that's what I was thinking of doing. And he goes, Well, that's a long way away. Maybe you should aim for something a little bit closer. I went, oh, okay. Well, maybe my 45th, that that will give me a long time. And I know it's going to not just be the event that will be a long time. It's a lot of work in training and to the lead up of it, and it's very, very time consuming. And when you're thinking of distances like that, you're going like I'm going to be have to be out on the mountain at home for hours and hours at end and just to get time on feet. But I think it'll be something I can strive for. And even if I'm not confident that I could do the 100 mile, I can always have a look at doing the 100K, which is still a ridiculous time to be on your feet. So watch your space and see how we go. But to keep my motivation up and for a great cause, I actually signed up to do 100Ks of walking/slash running for the Black Dog Institute, which is one step forward. And the Black Dog Institute is an amazing organization that helps with mental health and things like that. And it's a fundraiser for mental health research. And I just for me, it was, you know what, this is a good opportunity to get myself motivated to walk 100 Ks in the month of October. Mind you, it's day two when I'm recording now, and I've only done 2.3 K's, which is better than nothing. So yeah, I will get there. It I'm sure it will be a slog at sometimes, but I think it's nice to have that little bit of motivation as well. And I think it's a great talking point for mental health to say, you know what, pop it on your socials. This is what I'm doing, this is why I'm doing it, and go from there. So that's sort of where I've been up to in the last couple of weeks. I've been playing lots of pickleball, navigating life with three teenagers, one working full-time, one now at home, what feels like full-time because school's out for her, so she's only got to go there for exams. And Cliff, who has no desire to go to school, and every time I pick him up, my first question is, How's school today? His response is always, it was shit. It was boring. So rest assured, nothing changes, nothing gets easier as the kids get older. Just the complexity changes. So yeah, it's it's been fun, but no, I've certainly really enjoyed my last couple of weeks. And yeah, it's it's been good. Pickleball. Get into it. It's lots of fun. So we're gonna end with the thought of the week, which is what I do every week. And this week it is positive vibes only, isn't a thing. Humans have a wide range of emotions, and that's okay. And that's so true. It's okay to feel things, it's normal. So please have a good week, and please be kind to yourself. Thanks for listening. Thanks for tuning in to Mad Mail's Mike. I'm Melissa Smith, and I hope you've enjoyed listening. You can find me on Facebook and Instagram, and don't forget to like and follow. Have a great week, and don't forget to be kind to yourself.