Lightning Storm To Opalite

Season 1, Episode 31

We trace a month of real life with PTSD: finding hope in a new Taylor Swift track, fighting a stubborn eye stye, stepping back onto the basketball court, buying a bigger bike, and learning from sleep shifts, med changes, and a comical dosing mistake. The theme running through it all is “choose your hard,” backed by kindness, small wins, and steady practice.

• applying song lyrics as coping tools
• storm to opaline reframing
• stye remedies and listener tips
• return to basketball with braces and tape
• new Kawasaki Versys 300 and group ride
• kindness from a fellow rider pacing safely
• sleep updates without prazosin and cannabis tolerance
• antidepressant pause, nightmares, and tracking
• Wegovy, weight changes, and self-respect
• the weed plus injection mishap and lessons
• fitness gains in pickleball and daily energy
• Black Dog Institute walk progress and pride
• the “choose your hard” mantra and examples

You can find me on Facebook and Instagram, and don’t forget to like and follow

Song of the Week

https://youtu.be/40l9KE36aNk?si=t3DCa9N72VvLyoXt

Thought of the Week:

"marriage is hard. Divorce is hard. Choose your hard.   Obesity is hard. Fit is hard. Choose your hard.    Being in debt is hard. Beining financially disciplined is hard. Choose your hard.   Communication is hard. Not communicating is hard. Choose your hard.  Life will never be easy. It will always be hard. Choose wisely"

Transcript

Welcome Back And Apology

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Hey there, welcome to Mad Mail's Mike. Thanks for joining me. My name is Melissa and this is a podcast all about me. About my life. About my life with PTSD. About my life with the husband and kids and friends and everything in between. Thanks for tuning in. Hey everybody and welcome to episode 31. I'm just gonna quickly take the time to apologize that I didn't record an episode last week. Life just got away from me and I just didn't have the energy for it. And I know that a lot of the listeners will certainly understand that. So I also want to say a big thank you to my sister Emma for jumping on for the episode before. It was really nice to get on and have a chat with her about everything as well. So let's get this episode started. So thanks again for tuning in. It feels like I haven't actually sat down and recorded an episode for myself in forever. And I know that's not true, but I just have been so busy doing nothing. And I know that probably makes sense to some people and doesn't make sense to a lot of other people, but I I don't really know what I've been doing. Just flat chat like a lizard drinking. But as I normally do, let's start this episode off with the song of the week. And as you may or may not be aware, I'll be sad if you're not aware because it's everywhere, my bestie released a new album. And I know a lot of her music is about breakups and things like that, but I like to look at the lyrics of certain songs and apply that to my life, and hopefully you can apply that to yours. So, none other than Taylor Swift, we're going to be listening to a song from her new album, The Life of a Showgirl. So this song is called Opalite. Yes, it's about breakups and stuff like that, but I think some of her words in there can resonate with us. So let's just have a listen. But there are just a few key lines in that song that I really, really resonated about. And I just wanted to go mostly the chorus where it talks about you were dancing through the lightning strikes. And I think for me, when I was at my lowest, that's what it felt like. I was stuck in the middle of a storm. I was stuck in a storm in a teacup, and I couldn't see outside for the life of me. And I was sleepless on an Onyx nine, and it was dark and black, and there was no light, and I couldn't see any end of it. But now the sky is opal light. And look, I'm not going to lie to you, I actually had to um Google what opal light was, but it's that refraction of the light through a prism. And it reminds me of a movie I used to watch as a kid called Pollyanna, where they'd have the prisms and the light would shine through, and it was like that rainbow effect. And I just want people to know that this is a temporary speed bump. Wherever you are in your journey with PTSD or life, you don't have to have a mental illness for this. Like life is hard without being dealt this card as well. But I think it's important to realize that this is a temporary speed bump, that nothing lasts forever, and you will be dancing in the opal light. And I think that's so nice to know that we can make it through this, and all we need is just one day at a time, even one minute at a time, just to push us through that. So I hope you enjoyed that song. I love it. Look, it's taken me a while to like her new album, and I find that a lot with her albums is that the first time I listen to her, I go, What the fuck is this shit? And then I listen to it and really, really listen to it and understand the lyrics and go, fuck, she's actually a really good lyricist. And we can use a lot of what she says in our everyday lives, and I know that sounds really fucking stupid, but look, she brings me happiness, and hopefully that song will bring you some kind of happiness as well. Alrighty, so what have I been up to the last sort of month? Because that's sort of where it's been since I have actually recorded and given you an update about where I am with my life and things like that. I'm just gonna start that I've had this gnarly sty. I have never had a sty in my life, and it popped up on a Monday after basketball, which I'll talk about in a minute. And by Wednesday morning, I could hardly open my eye and it would turn into this massive infection and stuff like that. I'm still sporting a pretty gnarly sty at the moment, and for the life of me, I just can't get rid of it. And I know like when I go see the optometrist and stuff like that, they try to drain it, but nothing's coming out, and it hurts like hell. But I just don't know how to get rid of it. So if anybody's got any keen advice for me, please let me know. I'm not going to lie, I have tried to pop it myself, doesn't work, and the thought of getting a pin to my eyelid scares the shit out of me because all I can imagine myself doing is putting the pin through my eyelid into my eyeball, and that minute I'm blinding one eye. So I have been using heat and massaging it and doing everything that Chat GPT tells me to do, and to know nothing's working. So hit me up with your remedies. Oh, I have also tried a gold ring. That wipes tail, it doesn't work either. Unless my gold isn't good enough gold. Look, I to be honest, I don't have any yellow gold anyway. So yeah, I the new school term has started, which means a new basketball season for all of us. And it actually has seen my return to the team sports, and my ankle is holding up very well. I have a shit ton of tape on it, and then a sock, and then an ankle guard, and specifically, this one came from my physio, which has support straps on either side, and the physio has recommended that I wear an ankle guard on my good ankle as well. So look, I I look like the walking wounded, but I'm playing and I'm having so much fun doing it. I play with both the girls, and my husband is a coach when he's not refing. Actually, I don't think we've played a game where he's been there to coach us, but look, I'm really, really enjoying it. My fitness is up shit creek, but I hold it my own. I actually got eight points last night, and for somebody who is not a shooter, I was very, very proud of that. So yeah, little um basketball male hitting the courts near you. Keep an eye out. I know I um posted a photo of me on a Harley looking bike. I don't even know what kind of bike it was, probably about a month ago now, saying this is not my bike, this is just me in what I think looks cool. But I have actually bought a new motorbike and I can hear everybody going, Why have you done that, Mill? Like you stacked your posty bike and that's a 110 and you ended up with a really awesome scar. But I just enjoy it so much. So I got a Kawasaki Versus 300, which is ample big enough for me, and it's amazing how much safer I feel on the bigger bike than I do on the posty bike. I if I have to jump between the new bike and the post-y bike, I feel like that my back teeth are rattling on the post-y bike. It's just I don't know what it is. I just feel less secure and less safe, but I'm loving it. I went for a massive ride with a group called Moto Blue or Blue Moto. I'll have to have a look and figure out exactly what it is. But we started in town and it was a fundraiser for Lifeline, and it was$20 a bike. And we're meeting up with uh four other clubs in the from the region, and we all met at Millthorpe and we had a barbecue lunch. And when I left Orange, there was about a hundred bikes registered, and I have never done anything like that in my life. Yes, I've done the posty bike ride, but that's a bit different. I like all women and all sort of like-minded, but look, I'm not gonna lie, I kind of felt like a fish out of water. I had literally had my bike for a week. I knew that we were going to be riding on the highways, which uh signposted for 100Ks, and I'm not brave enough to do 100Ks. And the only reason I found out about this is because on the Friday when I bought my bike, and I actually picked it up, I went to pickleball that evening at the PCYC, and I was just showing one of the ladies there who I became friends with, you know me, I talked to everybody, and she goes, Oh, you need to go show Pete. And I went, Okay, I know the apparently Pete loves bikes. So I showed Pete and he told me about this ride, and I thought, yeah, all right, let's do it. And it was a challenge for me because I went by myself. And for those who have walked this journey themselves, understand that it's very scary and daunting to be doing these adventures by yourself. But I pulled my big girl pants on and got there, and it was amazing. And Pete was sensational, he stayed with me the entire time. So we ended up riding about 190Ks, and I tell you what, I was sore, so so sore because I didn't crack 100 and get near that. I think I was sitting on probably 80, maybe 85 on the highways, and Pete stayed with me the entire time, and this is something that I talk about constantly that kindness is free and it makes people's days, and that's certainly what happened. He I said to him when we first stopped, so we we we rode from Orange to Cargo to Conandra, Mandurama, Blaney, Millthorpe, and then back home. But he is obviously a more confident rider than I am, and I have no doubt that he can maintain the speed limit regardless of what it is. So, but we stopped at Conandra for the first time, and I said, Pete, you don't have to stay with he goes, No, I know I don't have to stay with you, but I want to. So bless him. Like it just made my day, and it was so, so nice to know that I had somebody in my corner looking out for me, and yeah, I just it just kindness is free, and I know I keep saying that, but kindness can change the person's day. And I tell you what, that kindness that was shown by Pete has made my month, and it's been amazing. So when I saw him at Pickleball last week, I got him a bottle of wine with a it was a pushbike, but it was closest to a motorbike and a box of chocolates, and he goes, You don't need to do that. And I went, I know I don't have to do that. I said, But you also didn't have to do that for me, and I just wanted you to know how much I appreciated that. So, yeah, that was just a nice little kindness story for everybody. And then on Sunday just gone, I went for a ride with one of my mates who I did the poster bike ride with. We ended up doing about 210Ks and went up one of the lookouts and stuff like that, and had a great, great time. So, yeah, my bike. I'm gonna put some photos on the socials of me and my bike and get everybody looking at me. So that's been a bit of what I've been up to lately. But let's talk about my head. My head's been relatively good. I'm still off my antidepressants. I have been on Minipress, which is a blood pressure medication for obviously blood pressure, but I don't have blood pressure issues. But a side effect of those medications is it assists with nightmares. And I um dropped my script off probably six or eight weeks ago, and the pharmacist told me that the meds were out of stock nationwide, and so I haven't actually been on those blood pressure medication for my nightmares for probably about four weeks, and it's been pretty good actually. I'm also on the medicinal marijuana oils and flour and stuff like that, and I've been on that for well, probably over 12 months, and that has really, really improved my sleep. But I've noticed in the last sort of week or two that I've been having lots of troubles getting to sleep, and it feels like I've been tossing and turning for hours and hours on end, which I know that's not necessarily true. But for the last few nights I've actually stopped. I kind of figure that I am building up a tolerance to it, and I haven't had any of the nighttime oils for the last few nights. And I've been sleeping pretty well. I have been having nightmares. There was one night there that I remember one morning, I remember waking up and going, hmm, I know I had a dream. I think it was about Mackenzie. I know she was safe, but I couldn't remember the finer details of it. So I feel like my brain is getting into a bit of a better pattern and things like that as well. And don't get me wrong, and I know I've said this on previous episodes before, that these antidepressants saved my life, and I can wholeheartedly say that I wouldn't be here without those antidepressants, but at this point in my journey, I'm coping without them, and that's very reassuring. But I'm not adverse to going back on the antidepressants if I need to because they serve their purpose. But I am a funny little story. So for those, I I know I've had an episode where I've spoken about my weight gain before, and I've been on Wagovy for probably close to 12 months. It was before Christmas last year, and the weight was slowly coming off me, very, very slowly. But since I've been off my antidepressants, the weight is literally dropping off me, and it's actually really, really nice to be getting back into the clothes that I haven't worn for years because they haven't fit me. And I don't know, it just sort of boosts your confidence and things like that. And I know my previous episodes, when I was at my heaviest, I always thought that nobody would love me because I was so heavy, but that's not true, it's about loving myself, and unless you love yourself, you can't take that love from other people as well. So I think that's something I've learned over the last sort of two, three years that I need to be able to love myself so I can feel the love of other people. But I um the other night, I um such a dickhead. I hadn't been sleeping, and my husband goes, start smoking the flower because that's what's prescribed for. So I thought, yep, okay, so I got the Mighty Medic out, which is like a brick. Got the weed in that, and it sounds really weird that I'm talking about weed on such a public forum, but it's fully prescribed, it's fully legal. Anyway, so I'm in the garage having my little tool. I didn't roll a joint or anything like that. I literally did it how I was prescribed. However, dickheadmel had too many puffs, which resulted in dickheadmel getting stoned. So I um then had to give myself the weight loss injection. And I had just gotten this pen and they're expensive, and I broke it, and I don't know how I did it, but nothing was coming out. I did end up giving myself some in that first injection, but I don't know how much, and because I wasn't thinking with the most clarity, I um decided to get a one mil syringe and draw out. I can't remember how much I drew out, but it definitely wasn't a full needle. I think it was probably 0.5 or something like that. So I gave that to me to myself that night, and then I went to bed and you know, I slept really well. But then the next day I was sick. I was crooked as a dog. Like I haven't felt sick like this in ages. And the only thing I can put it down to is that I overdosed up my weight loss meds, and I'm pretty certain that's what I did because for the next two days I was nauseous. I was spewing in the kitchen sink again. Paul Cliff's there getting ready for school while I'm spewing my guts up. And he's going, Are you okay, mum? Are you okay, mum? Can I do anything? I'm going, no, I'm fine. No, I'm fine. I don't know what to do. Just he goes, I can he goes, I can get Rory to drive me to school. I went, no, she's in bed. Just I'll be fine. But yeah, just such I just do such fucking stupid shit sometimes. But I tell you what, the weight loss meds work. And when you take far too much, you can see the effects of it. So yeah, it's um look, note to self and note to everybody else who does both. Don't get stoned and then give yourself the injection because it's probably not a good combination. So, yes, but my head is doing really well, and I think with the weight loss as well, that has contributed to that. Like, I'm enjoying pickleball a hell of a lot more. Like, I don't know, 18 months ago, like a ball would come and it would would I'd have to either run for it or something like that, and it'll be a stretch, and my head's going, yeah, girl, you can make this, and your body's going, fuck bitch, you're not getting that at all. But now I'm finding that I can make those shots and I can return them, and even just my ability to run up and down the court at basketball has improved as well, and it's it's actually really, really nice. But don't get me wrong, it's been a hard slog, it's been lots and lots of hard work, lots and lots of hard work for my head and hard work physically as well. So, but anything you want to do is hard. And I know a mate put something on Facebook the other day that spoke about being obese is hard, being fit is hard, choose your heart, being broke is hard, being financially secure is hard, choose your hard, and I think that's such an important lesson that life is hard and we need to choose which hard we're gonna take. So I'm very proud of myself to say that I have taken the hard road and I am coming out better for it. So yeah, it's it's quite refreshing actually. Quickly before I finish up with this episode, I wanted to give everybody an update about the Black Dog Institute one foot four wardwalk that I was doing in October. And I can say that I certainly bit off more than I could chew, and walking 100Ks in one month was far outside my reach. I tried my very, very hardest, but going from zero to a hundred in a month, literally, was a lot of hard work. I didn't end up getting the 100Ks, but I'm pretty proud of myself and got to 87, which is amazing. So, with everything else going on, and like with an eye infection and things like that, so was also away for a while as well. So, yeah, look, I'm I'm very happy with that. So, yeah, keep your eye out for next year's One Foot Forward Black Dog Institute walk because it's a it's a great cause. So all right, so let's finish this episode with the thought of the week. So, because I was just speaking about choosing your heart, let's I've just jumped online and had a look at my mate's Facebook post and let's finish that with the thought of the week. And it is marriage is hard, divorce is hard, choose your hard. Obesity is hard, being fit is hard, choose your hard. Being in debt is hard, being financially disciplined is hard, choose your hard. Communication is hard, not communicating is hard, choose your hard. Life will never be easy, it will always be hard, but we can choose choose our hard, pick wisely. It's so important to remember. Thanks for tuning in, everybody. Have a great week, and just quickly, we're coming up to the silly season, so I will probably do a couple more episodes, maybe one or two, before I wrap up the season for the year. So, yeah, we'll um get started or finish up this year, and then we'll get started in the new year. So, have a good week and be kind to yourself. Thanks for listening. Thanks for tuning in to Mad Mail's Mike. I'm Melissa Smith, and I hope you've enjoyed listening. You can find me on Facebook and Instagram, and don't forget to like and follow. Have a great week and don't forget to be kind to yourself.