How I’m Learning To Be Kind To Myself While Managing PTSD And Real Life

Season 2, episode 2

We share a tough week shaped by poor sleep, a medication gap, and that uneasy fear of feeling okay, then map out how the five pillars of PTSD recovery help us build longer stretches between storms. Along the way we own a slip into judgment, reset with compassion, and plan real-world steps that keep us grounded.

• new season update and mood check
• sleep disruption, anxiety spikes, and fatigue
• fear of joy and practicing self‑kindness
• online PTSD program first impressions
• the five pillars of recovery overview
• identity beyond work and uniforms
• catching and correcting judgmental thoughts
• connection plans, travel, and interviews
• weekly intention and thought of the week

Jump onto TikTok and have a look and share away because I feel that the more people who can listen and hopefully it resonates with them and they might be able to just get themselves out of a bit of a pickle
You can find me on Facebook and Instagram, and don’t forget to like and follow
Have a great week and don’t forget to be kind to yourself

Song of the week:

Bad Day - Daniel Powter

https://youtu.be/gH476CxJxfg?si=X80mNCXKlAqtzeTB

Thought of the day:

The Boy, the Mole, the Fox, the Horse by Charlie Mackesy

"Is your glass half empty of half full?" asked the mole. "I think I'm grateful to have a glass" said the boy

Transcript

New Season, Heavy Feelings

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Hey there, welcome to Mad Male's Mike. Thanks for joining me. My name is Melissa, and this is a podcast all about me. About my life.

Sleep, Medication, And Flat Days

Fearing Joy And Practicing Kindness

Online PTSD Course: First Impressions

The Five Pillars Of Recovery

Identity Beyond The Uniform

Justice, Meaning, And Purpose

Learning Styles And Group Connection

Catching Myself Judging

SPEAKER_02 0:07

About my life with PTSD. About my life with the husband and kids and friends and everything in between. Thanks for tuning in. Hey everybody, and welcome to uh season two of season two, twenty twenty six. I'm still baffled and it's frustrating because I should come to the senses and realisation that yes, it is 2026. It's insane. Right, episode two. Let's get this show started. Season two. Episode two. I don't know why I keep saying that. I apologize. Let's just start with the Song of the Week Bad Day by Daniel Powder because I feel like I'm having a bad day. But let's get the song going and then we can discuss where my head is, and I can't. So that was a bad day by Daniel Powder. Um sadly, I feel like I'm resonating quite a bit with that sort of the last couple of days. I don't know, I've just been really flat and tired. And no, in last week's episode I spoke about how my sleep is affecting my anxiety. And I think it is. I'm just so, so tired. So, and I know part of that is because I've run out of my script of blood pressure medication, which helps my nightmares, but actually help it helps me sleep as well. So hopefully when I go see the GP next week, only a few more nights away, I'll be able to get back into some decent sleep as well. So, yeah, it's it's I don't know, I'm just so tired and flat. But it kind of reminds me of a song that I know I've played before called Chalk Outlines by Wren. And there's a saying, there's a line in that that says, such a perfect day, take it just in case, take it just in case. I'm scared of being okay because all things change, all things change, and I think that's so relevant to the mental health journey that as you're plodding along, you have a good day, and then you're scared to enjoy the good day because you never know what tomorrow's gonna bring, and things like that. But I think for me personally as well, that I need to look at the time span I've had between bad days. And I know that I've spoken about this mental health journey being a roller coaster of up and downs and up and downs. And if we can keep our downs and if we can get them further and further apart, I think that's amazing. And for me personally, my downs have been a long way away from one another. And I sort of, I don't know, not became complacent, but I can't think of any other word to say that yes, I am having a little bit of a rough trot at the moment, and it's certainly nowhere near as bad as what I have been previously, but it's easy to get swept up and think, okay, this is life now, I'm always going to be living this high and things like that, but that's not where life is, and it's not how life goes, which is unfortunate. And things happen and life happens, and it gets hard. And at the moment for me, it's feeling a little bit hard. And I know I need to be kind to myself, as I tell all of you every week, and it's okay to feel like this, and we've had a bit of stuff going on at home, nothing bad or anything like that, just navigating emotions of kids and feelings and things like that, and so that sort of takes its toll on me as well, and I notice it more, particularly since I've been on my antidepressants, and I can feel all these emotions and things like that. It's just about trying to navigate what works for me and things like that. So, like today, well, last night I got my clothes out as I do every night before I go to bed, so they're ready to go in the morning when I get up. And I had said to myself last night that let's get up, drop cliff off at school, and then come home and go for a walk and a rhyme. And then I just can't be bothered, and that's okay. Like, I need to listen to myself and listen to my body and just take one minute at a time. And so, yeah, just it's important to yeah, be kind to yourself as as hard as that is sometimes because when I know I'm feeling low like this, it's very hard to see the light through the end of the tunnel and to realise that this is just a temporary speed bump. But like Ren says in his song, that I'm scared of being okay because I think we sit in this hurt and this feeling and this depressive state for such a long period of time, we don't know what it's like to feel joy and happiness and things like that. But when we do, it's like, oh shit, like that it's almost like this isn't gonna last, so I'm not going to enjoy it, but just know that it does last longer and longer the more you practice it. So, and that's hard work. So I'm going to be kind to myself today. I'm going to finish recording this episode, and then I'll probably sit on the lounge and watch below deck and maps for the remainder of the day. So, yeah, let's just take one step at a time. So, as I mentioned last week, I'm doing the PTSD and anxiety course through St. Joan of God online, and I started that this week, and this is my first online course, and I think it's the only one they actually offer through the hospital. And after the first one, I can honestly say that I much prefer in-person. I think I am so easily distracted, and when I don't have a teacher staring directly at me and only through a camera, there's that sort of no accountability there. So it's um gonna be interesting to see how I navigate the next nine weeks with this, although there's a couple of weeks I won't be able to make, but that's fine, it is what it is, life goes on. So look, it was very good. We spoke about the um the pillars of recovery, and it's just nice to get a little bit of revision, I guess, because looking through the program of it, I feel like I've touched on most of these subjects before, but I know in previous admissions and outpatient stays and stuff that you learn something different with each course you do. And I think where you are at that time and that point in your life is reflective on what you get out of the programs as well. So, yes, it was it was nice, it's it's sort of not as personable as what it was would be in person, which is very difficult as well. Like you're trying to have different people engage in conversations and stuff online, and it's makes it harder not to talk over one another and things like that. So there's gonna be a little bit of navigating in relation to that, but I feel that it is something that I am going to get things out of. So yeah, I just wanted to touch on the pillars of recovery as well. I'm not gonna go into depth of them, but it's sort of a um five-pronged approach, and without one or more of them, it makes it very difficult to move forward in your recovery of PTSD. So the first one was safety. So I know with PTSD we feel very unsafe and we're always very, very heightened as well. So safety is such a key, key one in terms of our recovery. Connections as well, we become very withdrawn and isolated from loved ones and friends and things like that. So forming those strong bonds and connections is so, so important in our recovery. The next one is identity and role. And I think for a lot of people who have been in emergency services, then I know myself, with my time in the police, it forms such a major part of our our of our identity. And I think it's important to remember that your profession does not define you. You are still a person, you are still a partner, a husband, a wife, a father, a mother, a daughter, a son. And I think we become so lost in the world that our only sole purpose is the role that we have chosen as our profession. And I think it's very important for us to realize that we are so much more than just what we do for work. And I remember hearing or a while ago, and if for certain European countries, when like if we're having like a bit of a general chit-chat with somebody, for example, who we've just met, we one of our first questions is what do you do? And generally that encompasses what do we do for work. And like I know that I really struggled when I first went off, and even filling out forms like my occupation, like what do I put now? Like, am I retired? Am I unemployed? Like, what is that? But this one specific European country asks that question, what do you do? But their typical answer is what do they do for fun? What are their hobbies? So for me, I would answer that in like, I'm loving pickleball. That's what I do for fun. I enjoy watching trash TV, that's what I do for fun. So that I think that was just such a nice way because work doesn't define us, and that becomes very hard, particularly when we're in roles that are such strong and dominant roles, anyway, uh like the police. So, yeah, so let's let's look at different ways we can rephrase what we do and looking at the positives of you know what, I don't do anything, and that's fine as well. So the next one is justice, and that can fall into the part where we feel like there was a moral injury or things like that. So, but making sure that justice forms part of that core pillar of recovery, and the last one is meaning and purpose, and you can give that what you like, whether it's your meaning as a parent or your meaning as your your functionality in within the family dynamics as well. So there's that was just a little quick overview of what I did during the um PTSD and anxiety course. And in the future sessions, I will continue to have a little bit of a chat about what I have learnt, and hopefully you guys might be able to learn something as well from it. But yeah, it's like I said, it's going to be very tricky navigating for me personally, the online lessons and teachings because it is very different from what I have done previously. And I think I find with these group uh settings being able to look face to face at somebody and being able to engage in contact and communication with people is so important in our learning as well. So yeah, it's just something I'm going to have to navigate. But I I just wanted to say that I'm a bit cranky at myself because I know I have spoken about my weight gain and my weight loss during my process. And I always try not to be the person to judge. But I was out yesterday and I was judging and I was so disappointed with myself because I need to put my money where my mouth is. And if I'm going to be asking you guys to be kind to other people, then I need to be and have that expectation that I can do it myself as well. So yeah, it was it sort of really hit home actually to go, like, who are you to be looking at this person and saying they need to lose weight or they need to put weight on? Because we don't know where people are up to in their lives. We don't know what's going on. Like people would see me in the street eight months ago and go, Oh, look at her, like she could probably lose some weight, but they've got no idea that my weight gain was as as a result of medications. And I don't know what's going on in this person's life as well. So I just need to be very, very aware of that and try and change that internal dialogue and be kind to people as well. So I just sort of more bring it up because yes, I say all these things during my episodes and on my TikToks and things like that. But what I think is important for everybody else to understand is that I am also still learning. This is this is my real life, and I am still navigating in the world of my broken head and my recovery. And on the outset, I may look like I have everything all under control and I've got all my ducks in a row, but that's not the case. Like it is ever-changing dynamic in my head and where this happens as well. So, yeah, I need to be kind to myself and I need to be kind to others. And if that's a conscious thing that I need to keep reminding myself to do, well then that's what I'm going to do. So, yeah. And that was a really hard one to navigate because I did. I got really upset with myself and very cranky and disappointed, and it's not something that I should be doing and feeling about something so little. But yeah, take this lesson, and like I said, I'm still learning and it's one day at a time and one foot in front of the other. So, what have I got on this week? I'm going to be playing pickleball this weekend as I usually do, but I'm also heading to Sydney for the week to have a catch-up with the emergency charity, which will be nice to catch up with everybody. And Dickhead Matt, my mate, is going to be heading into the city for the night, so it'll be really nice to catch up with him as well. It's just nice to reconnect with people as well, and I think it's important to be connecting with people who share similar circumstances as well, because I find it very, very validating. But yeah, so that's what I've got on. My intention this week is to interview my brother, so he will be on episode three. If anything changes, I will just update it on my socials as well. So just a reminder that Madmel's mic is now on TikTok, so jump on there and have a look. I'm not posting a lot of the reels and TikToks that I make actually on the TikTok app on Instagram and Facebook. So yeah, jump onto TikTok and have a look and share away because I feel that the more people who can listen and hopefully it resonates with them and they might be able to just get themselves out of a bit of a pickle. So, yes, that was an unintentional pun. Well, actually, there was no pun. I take it back. So, yeah, so that's that's the plan. In the next couple of weeks, I'm also going to be interviewing my folks, which they know nothing about yet. So hopefully they're on board with that. But yeah, let's um finish with the first thought of the week. And I'm going to go back to that book that I finished the last week's thought with. So, as the same as last week, the book is called The Boy, the Mole, The Fox and the Horse, and it's by Charlie McGassie. I think I'm not sure if I'm saying it right, and I'm probably not. And like last week, I'm just going to open it up to a random page and read what it says. And it says, Is your glass half empty or half full? asked the mole. I think I'm grateful to have a glass, said the boy. What a great book. Like it's just so basic, but so comforting and reassuring because it doesn't matter if your glass is half empty or half full. Like if you've got a glass, you're winning in life. And I think that's important to remember. Let's be positive. Moving forward during this week, have a good week and please be kind to yourself. Thanks for listening.

SPEAKER_01 17:40

Thanks for tuning in to Mad Mail's Mike. I'm Melissa Smith, and I hope you've enjoyed listening. You can find me on Facebook and Instagram, and don't forget to like and follow. Have a great week and don't forget to be kind to yourself.