I’m Learning To Stay Present Even When Anxiety Spikes

Season 2, Episode 5

I catch up on a huge week and use a “song of the week” to remind us that everything we are is enough, even on the worst days. I also reflect on how my PTSD recovery shows up in real moments like family parties, anxiety spikes, and the small routines that keep me steady.
• song of the week as a self-worth reminder and a way to stay open
• Rory’s 18th birthday party chaos and accommodation stress
• noticing real change since Mackenzie’s 18th and feeling more present
• hope after dark periods and hospital stays and why small progress counts
• basketball semis, injury prevention, and choosing preparation over pain
• anxiety-provoking life stress while off antidepressants and how I’m coping
• redefining mindfulness through trash TV, reading, and pickleball focus
• using SUDS to track distress and understand what shifts it
• Canberra pickleball tournament nerves, morning routines, and boundaries
• thought of the week on fear and PTSD catastrophising
You can find me on Facebook and Instagram, and don't forget to like and follow.

Song of the Week:

This is Me - The Greatest Showman

https://youtu.be/CjxugyZCfuw?si=in3hp_gEawoM02Rl

Thought of the Week:

The Boy, The Mole, The Fox and The Horse - Daniel Mackesy

"Imagine how we would be if we were less afraid"

Transcript

Welcome Back And Catching Up

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hey there, welcome to Mad Mel's Mind. Thanks for joining me. My name is Melissa, and this is a podcast all about me. About my life.

Song Of The Week And Self-Worth

Rory’s 18th And A Packed House

Being Present Then And Now

Basketball Finals And Ankle Care

Anxiety While Off Antidepressants

Mindfulness Through Trash TV

SUDS Levels And What Shifts Them

Canberra Pickleball And Morning Routines

Thought Of The Week On Fear

here To Follow And Sign-Off]]

SPEAKER_01 0:07

About my life with BDSD. About my life with a husband. Thank you. And friends and everything in between. Thanks for tuning in. Hey everybody, and welcome to season two, episode five. Thanks for tuning in. I know there had been a few weeks where I hadn't recorded, but I'm trying to get back into the swing of things, so let's get this episode started. March already, isn't it insane to think that we're already a quarter of the way through this year? Time's just flying. And the more I say that, the more I sound like mum and dad. But it is really, really insane to think that like it's nearly Easter and Anzac Day. And before we know it, we're going to be looking at Christmas again. Um yeah, it's crazy. Um, what have I been up to? It's been uh another big week since I last recorded. We um had Rory's um 18th birthday party on the weekend, which was really good. We had lots of family up and things like that, and I was actually taking Mackenzie and my niece into town one night, and a song came on, and my niece loved it, and I loved it too. So it's going to be this week's song of the week. So let's have a listen. And I think it sort of encompasses my journey, and particularly on this podcast, because I'm not hiding anything, and I'm marching on to the beat of that I drum. And I think it's so important to remember that I am brave and I am bruised, but this is who I'm meant to be. So I want everybody to go forward in this week and go, yes, everything I am is enough, because everything that you are is enough, and whether you're having the shittest day today, that's fine. You are here, and this is enough. And whether you've haven't gotten out of bed today, that's fine. If you've gotten up and made yourself a coffee, brilliant. If you've made your bed for the day, even better. But just remember that what you are doing in this moment, you are brave, and you are enough. So thank you to my niece for singing that song when we were driving into town, and I did tell her that I would be making this the song of the week, so that was that was really nice. So thank you. So because we had Rory's um 18th over the weekend, we had a lot of people here, and it was very unfortunate because the weekend, so it was my birthday as well. So I had booked um a musical in the city um for the weekend just gone for so my husband and I could head down and spend the weekend in the city and see this musical, and then next weekend Mel and I are heading down to Canberra for a pickleball tournament, and then I sort of went towards the end of last year, like shit, it's Rory's 18th, we're gonna have to find a time to have this party, so I had to sort of choose whether I wanted to miss out on the musical pickleball, and pickleball won. So we're still going to Canberra over the weekend to play in this massive tournament, it's gonna be lots of fun. Um, it'll be nerve-wracking, but uh so I didn't really look to have a look and see what things are happening in town and stuff like that. So the weekend of um Rory's 18th, there was a big sort of country music festival in town which gets a whole heap of people from outside the town, as well as the um running festival in town as well, which just meant so that accommodation was very, very slim, and it's hard because I had said that my parents can stay here, my mother-in-law, my grandmother-in-law, and that's sort of where our room and capacity for our house sort of died. But then um my brother-in-law called me on Friday morning saying, Look, I stuffed up, I actually he had actually booked accommodation for the um Friday night instead of the Saturday night, and couldn't get accommodation for the Saturday night because everything was all booked up, so we're frantically trying to sort out beds and where everybody's gonna sleep and things like that, and then we had my sister's boy here as well, so we had a very, very full house over the weekend, and the um the party was good, it was very enjoyable. I was wrecked by the time um I got to bed, and my legs were killing me, like just from being on them all day. But I think for me, the most important thing to look back at was comparing Rory's 18th to McKenzie's 18th. So Kenzie's 18th was 18 months ago, and my headspace was significantly different to where I'm sitting at the moment, so I found that I was able to enjoy Rory's party a lot more than what I had done for McKenzie's. Don't get me wrong, I still enjoy McKenzie's as well, but um with McKenzie's I would spend more time sort of by myself and not as present. So, but this year I was certainly a lot more present. Um, I was talking to people and engaging in conversation, so it's very um heartwarming and makes me very proud to have a look retrospectively of where I had been 18 months before and where I am now, and like I'm not saying this on this podcast to brag or to rub salt in the wound or anything like that, but I'm saying it because there is hope for you as well. Like, yes, like and I've spoken about my dark days, and I've spoken about how low I was, and it's been a hard slog to get where I am today, and I've had to put the effort in as well. But I can guarantee you, if you you can get there as well, like your life can can take a turn, and yes, these turns may not last for any more than a couple of hours, but if you can get a couple of hours of feeling relatively okay, well, then maybe tomorrow you might get three hours, and then hopefully, then it will in increase. And so, I yeah, I don't this podcast is about my journey, and I don't want to um water down my story um for the sake of appeasing listeners, and I don't think that would be a fair reflection to myself, and I don't think that's fair on my listeners because you guys are hopefully looking at my journey and going, shit, you know what? I can do this, I've got this. If like I've I've known Mel during those times when she was really, really dark, and I know a lot of you listening have known me through hospital stays, and when I have been at my lowest, and if you can see where I am today and hear it in my voice and go, hang on a second, there's hope for me yet. Like, hopefully, that gives you that little bit of encouragement to keep putting one foot in front of the other. So, yeah, it's um I'm certainly not saying it for you to suck eggs, but I hope you can take away and feel encouraged by my journey, and hopefully, you might be able to put a few little bits and pieces into place and and go from there. So, yeah, but it was a it was a really good weekend. Um, mum and dad came and stayed for a little while, um, so they've just left, so the houses to myself. The girls and I played in our basketball semi-final, no, semi-final, how's it go? Semi-final, final, then grand final. Yeah, so we played in the semi-final last night, it was a do-or-die, so I think we came third in the comp. Um, and the game was good, but it was a little bit disappointing because the team we played against, given it was semis, um, only had four players, and they were just disheartened. And when I find when I'm playing a team like that, you sort of match their energy, and they were defeated, and yes, we won, but it wasn't a very victorious win. So, um, yeah, but look, I'm really enjoying playing with the girls, and um mum and dad were there as well. And so before I left home, I was like taping my ankle, so I always taped my ankle first, and then when I got to basketball, I put an ankle guard on both ankles, and mum's going, gee, it takes you a long time to get ready. I said, Yeah, it does. I said, but I prefer to uh spend that extra time getting ready and strapping everything up in opposed to spending another six weeks in a moon boot. So um Cliff had his final last night, it's or semi-final as well last night. Um, they had come second on the draw, so they lost last night but got a second bite of the cherry, so we had to play next week. But his um twinged his ankle yesterday, so um hopefully he's alright, he'll go see a physio this afternoon. Um, but yeah, there's there's been a lot going on, um, and a lot of the stuff that's going on I can't actually articulate in this platform, but I just want to say that it's been very anxiety-provoking, and that's been something difficult to navigate. So I think this is probably the biggest sort of life shit that has happened since I have come off my antidepressants, so and it's been very reassuring, however, testing to see how I have handled my mental health during this time as well. And like I've been really busy, like I just feel like we haven't stopped, like I hardly got time to watch below deck or maths, and these things are important, like it's important to for me sitting down and watching below deck, and it's just trash, like it really, really is just trash. But that's sort of my reset, it's my downtime. It's like when I go to bed at night, um like a lot of the times, it hasn't been the last couple of weeks, but I will sort of say goodnight to everybody about 8:30, have my meds, go have a shower, and then help them to bed and read, and that's just my downtime, that's my alone time. That's where I think I'm turning in, like I've always been a very big extrovert, like I'd always draw energy from other people and things like that. And I'm not sure if that's sort of changed in the last little bit since my injury, and I'm now turning more into an introvert, or and drawing my energy from being by myself, or if it's just uh I've had enough of people and this is my time to decompress and um things like that. So hopefully, in the next sort of coming weeks, we can um I'll be able to have time to sit and watch my trash because I really do enjoy it. Like, and I remember one time in hospital, I think it was only my last hospital stay last year, and um I was watching the TV show hoarders, and it that's just disgusting. And like, if anybody's seen it, you will certainly understand like people just hoarding like insane stuff. I remember there was this one episode where this dude was hoarding rats like domestic rats, and they had chewed through the walls and everything, and like like he couldn't live in the house because it was like thousands and thousands and thousands, like and I'm not exaggerating, these rats, and like he was like the Pied Piper, like it was insane. Um, and I remember one of the nurses coming in and going, Oh, hey Mel, how are you doing? What are you watching? I said, Oh, hoarders, and she goes, Oh, that's a fair show. I said, Look, I look at it and go, I am not that fucked up. Like, yes, I'm bad, but I'm not that fucked up. And she goes, hmm, that's your mindfulness. So I look at my trash TV shows as my mindfulness because it's my resetting and for mindfulness, we don't have to be doing different types of breathing and stuff like that, it's just whatever gets you in that moment. So for me, part of my mindfulness is pickleball because if I'm playing pickleball, I'm not thinking about anything else. Um, basketball is for me a sort of hit and miss in terms of it. If it's my mindfulness, I think it depends on where my suds are sitting at the time. And last night, um my my suds have been up there for me. So pre say a month ago, my suds were probably sitting at a two, maybe a three, um, but in the last couple of weeks they've sort of risen. Um, I know last week at basketball or the week before, they were probably sitting at about a seven, maybe an eight. But I think I went into basketball last night seeing it sitting in about maybe a six, um, and that for me was quite high for where I am at the moment. But um, yes, so if I go into basketball, my suds are quite high. But then, whilst playing it, then depending on the game and my actions and other people's actions, my suds can either go up or down. But I certainly don't really consider basketball as a mindfulness. Um, my reading is definitely um a good form of my mindfulness, and the book club book I'm reading at the moment is very tricky. I'm really struggling with it. It's called Butter, it's a um Japanese novel, so it's been um um translated into English, but I don't know, I read on a kindal about 40% of the way through, and I think probably only the last five percent, I think I'm understanding what's going on. It's I found it hard to understand who the characters are and um things like that. But look, I think I'll it'll get there, and I think it'll be a good talking book for uh book club, but yeah, so as I said, Mel and I are heading off to Canberra this weekend for a pickleball tournament. Um, Mel's shooting bricks already because we have to be at the the pickleball location at seven o'clock in the morning, and she's already panicking, going, like, how is she gonna get me up out of bed? Because I don't do mornings very well. Um, McKinsey wanted to do breakfast with us this morning before mum and dad left and she wanted to do it eight, and I've gone, I'm not doing it late, I can't even get up at that time. That's just ridiculous. Like I set my alarm for 7.40 every morning and I press snooze until 8.07, and then I get up out of bed. Um, I have my routine, and if I don't need to be up and out of bed, I won't do it. It's just like when we moved into town, I started a um walking and running group, and that was just a way so I could meet people who weren't in the police and sort of broaden my friendship group. Um, so I started that and we actually I just went to a farewell uh not that long ago from one of the ladies who sort of did a lot with the um running group and helped me out, and they're all saying to me, Oh, come for a walk in the morning, Mel, blah blah blah blah blah. I said, Oh yeah, what time do you go? And they've gone 5 45. I went 5 45 a.m. They've gone, yeah. I went, yeah, I ain't going. Like I don't have any need to be up out of bed at that time, so I don't do it. And like I know they would love for me to get there, but I need to look after myself too, and I don't. Like, I I've spent nearly 20 years getting up out of bed for those stupid shifts. Um, and that's not where I am at this point in my life, and I am not a morning person, so I'm not going to be um putting other people under that pressure of having to deal with me in the morning. But I think Mel's already panicking about me having to get up at that time of the day. She's more of a morning person than I am, so it's going to be interesting. Um, but I know I continually say every week I'm going to be more present on my social medias and this last couple of weeks, and I know it's not an excuse because the premise of the social media and the podcast is for me being me at that time, but um, I definitely will do some TikToking and put some reels together when we're down in Canberra. I'll um put some photos up of Mel and I in our matchy matchy um uniforms, so yeah, look, I'm really looking forward to the weekend. Um, I'm a bit nervous. This is our first proper rated um tournament, so I'm glad we played that one in Bathis, the Interclub tournament, because we were able to get a little bit of an idea of how it will run on the day. But this tournament has over 500 entries, so it's going to be massive, and it runs over four days. Um, but look, it's gonna be lots of fun, and I think I just need to keep telling myself and telling Mel like we're there for fun, and if we come out and we don't lose any game, if sorry, if we come out and we don't win any games, that's okay, and if we win a couple, that's brilliant. But just as long as we have fun and enjoy the time as well. So let's finish with the thought of the week. So, just quickly before I get into the thought of the week, um, next week I have a special guest on my episode, so keep an eye out for that. It will be a little bit longer of an episode, I think it's for about 40 maybe 45 minutes. So, um, if you're gonna have a listen to that, make sure you give yourself enough time because it's not one of my typical 20-minute episodes. So, um, as I'm doing with um this season's thought of the week, it's from the book called The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse by Charlie Macasi. And for those who don't know or have just jumped on, I was given this book by a beautiful nurse in hospital my very first day in June 2023. So I was probably, or by the time I left, it might have been July or August because I was there for a bit of time. But I'm just randomly opening it up to a page and just reading it. So this week's is Imagine how we would be if we were less afraid. And what a great little thing. Like we spend a lot of our times being afraid of first of all, afraid of what people will think of us, afraid of how I will be seen, afraid for our own self-preservation. But I think we spend a lot of time on fear, and I think that cripples what we can do on our day-to-day lives. And our yes, there is a place for fear and being afraid because if I see a snake, you want those fear reactors and afraid reactors to work in its place. But I think, particularly with PTSD, um it we exacerbate everything and catastrophise everything, and we live on fear. Um, so yes, let's try not to be afraid, moving into the rest this week. Thanks for tuning in. I really appreciate it. Have a good week and please be kind to yourself. Thanks for listening.

SPEAKER_00 20:15

Thanks for tuning in to Mad Mail's Mike. I'm Melissa Smith and I hope you've enjoyed listening. You can find me on Facebook and Instagram, and don't forget to like and follow. Have a great week and don't forget to be kind to yourself.