You Are Not A Burden

Season 2, Episode 7

I share what’s been on my mind lately, from a reel that reminded me I’m not a burden to the small routines that keep me steady when I start to feel flat. I also tell the full story of our Canberra pickleball weekend, a compliment that meant more than weight loss, and the progress I can finally see in my PTSD recovery.
• A reel that reframes depression and shame
• Why your past does not define you
• Canberra pickleball tournament highs and mishaps
• Swearing at myself and learning to laugh
• Feeling flat, tired, and tempted to isolate
• Rebuilding routine with walks, sport, and sleep
• Guilt when you cannot show up physically
• Fundraising for Wings for Kids and why it matters
• “You look happy” as the best kind of well
• Using hospital-taught coping skills in daily life
• Thought of the week on friendship and healing
If you want to make a donation to Wings for Kids, please do.
You can find me on Facebook and Instagram, and don't forget to like and follow.

Song of the week:

Reel by Abe Parker

https://youtube.com/shorts/9AtoMZ2CN0U?si=psDTps95xFAbHdZB

Thought of the Week:

The boy, the mole, the fox and the horse by Carlie Mackesy

"What do we do when our hearts hurt? asked the boy. We wrap them with friendship, shared tears and time, till they wake hopeful and happy again"

Transcript

Welcome And Season Check In

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hey there, welcome to Mad Mel's Mic. Thanks for joining me. My name is Melissa and this is the podcast all about me. About my life. About my life with PTSD. About my life with the husband and kids and friends and everything in between. Thanks for tuning in. Hey everybody and welcome to season two episode seven. Thanks for tuning in. I hope you've all had a wonderful week or a wonderful time since you last hopped on and listened. So let's get this episode started. So welcome again and thanks to everybody for tuning in. I'm just going to start by apologising because I've got a bit of a head cold. So if I'm sniffling a bit, um please forgive me. Whilst I went through everything over the last five years. So it was actually very cathartic for the both of us, I think. And I know we were all pretty teary, but there were some good laughs and good times. I think it was very, very um rewarding for all of us to sit down and have that chat. So if you haven't listened to that episode yet, please jump back on to uh season two, episode six, where I have a raw and honest chat with my folks about what it was like for them growing up with me, um my life as a teenager, my life when I started in the cops, and sort of everything from there. So, yeah, jump on and have a listen. Um, we're gonna start with the song of the week, but this time it's a little bit different. So I don't often jump on Facebook or TikTok or Instagram in terms of looking at reels and stuff. I just find I lose too much time and I generally do it before I go to bed if I am to do it, and then I just find my brain too wide to actually sleep, so it's not something that I do a lot, but like everybody else, I do enjoy it. And this song, it's I can't actually find the song. Um, it was a reel by Abe Parker, and he speaks about depression and not being a burden, so have a listen. So I've actually done a lot of searching to see if I can find an actual song, and it doesn't look like it's an actual song, I think it's just a real and it's not something that I do often, but this one really struck home because I know that when I was at my darkest, I felt like a burden, and I think it's important for us all to remember that we're not a burden, and this journey that we're all on is hard, bloody work, and so just these lines like you're not your past, you're not your first mistake, and you're not your last. Don't let these demons tell you there's no way out of the dark, that's how you feel, but that's not who you are, and I think that's so important to remember because it's so easy to get caught up, um, particularly with PTSD, which is um past driven. I'm not sure if I've articulated that well, but um get caught up that our everything that we have done in the past defines us, but it doesn't define us, and where you are today is enough, and you are not a burden. So just as you go into the week ahead, just remember that it's it's about you moving forward one step at a time. So, yeah, be kind to yourself. So, what have I been up to since I um recorded an episode by myself? I think that was probably about two weeks ago, obviously. Um, interviewing more people this year, so there's going to be less singular episodes with me, but um, I still want to share my journey as well. So Mel and I headed down to Canberra for our first official pickleball tournament, and I tell you what, that was a great weekend. Um, as you all know, like this last month, um, I've had a fair bit going on, and I've been really, really tired. So even driving down to Canberra while I was there, like just just driving was was tiring, and Mel and I had a lot to debrief about, and so we um we just spoke the whole way down, and it was just by the time we got there we to Canberra, we went to Costco, and normally at Costco my Mel and myself always buy a shit ton of things that we don't actually need, but we I Mel walked out without buying anything. I walked out with some cat food, some cookie time biscuits, which are really good, they're from Maiden New Zealand, and some chips for Rory. And I was like, wow, we must be really out of it. So the next morning and we'll pulled up to this oh, I couldn't believe it. We um I booked accommodation and I take full responsibility for this because where we stayed was not great. Um it wasn't bad, um, but it wasn't great, and I won't be booking it again. But the the place next to it was sort of like those permanent cabins and um where people live on site in like a caravan park, and I saw that and I said to Mel, if this is where we're staying, I'm not, I'm gonna book somewhere else. Anyway, and so the accommodation worked out okay. Walked into the bathroom and shut the door, and then as I've before like I don't even know how it happened because I hadn't even gone to the toilet, and I sort of just knew that as I turned the handle, like I was gonna get stuck, so I like I was turning the handle to unclick it, like it wasn't even locked, and like the whole handle just spun but didn't actually pull the the little prong thing out. So I start to sort of half have a bit of a panic, and lucky Mel was in there, um, and I had my phone as well, but now I'm screaming to let me out, let me out, and so we get the giggles about that. But we had to um be at the um pickleball pickleball tournament um by I don't know, quarter to seven, briefing was at seven. So um, for those who know me, I don't do mornings very well, so the whole thought of having to get up at six o'clock in the morning was not exciting at all. Anyway, I think I managed to get a little bit of sleep, didn't have a great sleep, and then get to the pickleball tournament, and we set up our I brought some camp chairs with us, so we set them out sort of under a tree, and I'm just sitting there just exhausted, and it took me to probably like the third or probably to the start of the fourth game for me to actually wake up, and Mer was saying to me, like Mer, you just need to change your body language. She goes, You just you just need to to get into it, and like I was sitting slumped on the chair, I'm just going, I'm trying, like I'm actually trying my very very hardest. And she was all really pumped up for the first sort of four or five games, and then by the time I sort of got the swing of it and started waking up, she was starting to lose hers. So um, but the first game we played, I was clearly very out of it, and I have a tendency of swearing when I make terrible shots. So it was literally the first game, the second point. I do this awful, awful shot, and I've screamed out, Oh you fucking slut. And Mel looks at me, I get the giggle just thinking about it now. Mel looks at me and goes, Melissa, you can't say that. I'm going, What? I wasn't talking to them, I was talking to me. Anyway, so I've never been in trouble off Mel before in my life, but she was like mortified. She said I had said it so loud. Anyway, I apologised to the women like through the game, saying, Look, I'm really sorry. I said that wasn't directed at you, it was at me after my terrible shot. They got the giggles and said, No, it's fine, like we swear too. I said, Good, as long as you realise that I wasn't calling your slut, because that was certainly not what I was doing. So we um Mel and I ended up playing 10 games from 7:30 to 12, so it was a lot of games in quick succession, and we so so we lost the first game, won the second game, lost the third game, and from there we sort of needed to win. Um, otherwise we wouldn't have made finals. But I don't know how we did it, but we came out and ended up with a silver medal, so it was so exciting. And then that afternoon, um, we went back to the accommodation and had a shower and got changed and stuff, and then drove into Canberra City, and Mel had to pick up a few bits and pieces and stuff like that. So we went to the shops for a little while, and then we went to a um pub not far, and Mel loves skill testers and pinball machines and just arcade games in general, um, and she has it in her head that she can't beat me at anything, so she was dead set, convinced that she was gonna beat me at pinball buck hunter, and we've played pool already against one another, and I beat her then. She goes, Oh, I don't want to play pool because she'll beat me again. Um, so we get to this pub and we play pinball. But before we get into pinball, um, Cliff and my husband give me a call and they're on speaker and Mel's pump going, Yeah, I'm gonna go play pinball. Um, and then my husband goes, You do realise we used to own pinball machines, and Mel was dirty. She just goes, Are you serious? I can't believe you used to own pinball machines, and you never told me I'm never gonna win now. Anyway, lucky for Mel, she won both games. We played at pinball, the two different machines, and then I won Buck Hunter, and she was dirty about that, really, really dirty, and then I beat her at Paul, and it was just a really fun afternoon. Like, we had dinner as soon as the bistro was open, and then went back to the hotel, and I was watching the Sydney Kings play in must have been their first game. Oh no, it was maybe their first game of the finals, or the anyway. Watched the Kings game, and so I'm sitting on my laptop with one airport in and Mel's watching the Matildas play. Um, and look, I'm not a big fan of soccer, but I had fun watching it with her, so it was a really good weekend, and by the time we got back, we were all pretty exhausted, and I actually haven't played pickleball since. So I think what I have found over the last couple of weeks is that I don't feel depressed, I feel flat, um, I feel really tired, but I can feel myself starting to isolate from people. So I'm making a conscious effort this week to get back into my normal routine. So that's going to pick a ball, um, going for a walk with my mate, which I do every Friday, um, and I'm going for a walk today with some other mates as well. So it's just been um, I don't know, it's I've just had no energy at all that I have sort of found myself falling back into that isolation as well. And Cliff had rep basketball, Danny Griffith this weekend just gone, and I just couldn't go. And I tell you what, the guilt was there. I felt terrible for not making an effort and going, but I just physically couldn't do it. I was um too tired. But I know that if I get out and do a little bit more exercise, that hopefully I'll be able to sleep a bit better and wake up feeling a little bit more refreshed. Um so that's sort of been my week. I really haven't done a lot. Um, it's scary to think that next weekend is Easter, and it's like, where is this year gone? And fuel prices have gone through the roof, and if you're looking back, if you're listening back on this in 10 years' time, which I hope people do, um it says when the US have bombed Iran and fuel prices have gone through the roof, and I really need to jump on my motorbikes and ride them because they are more fuel efficient than the um V8 that I've got that just guzzles the fuel, but I just don't even have the energy to jump on the bike, and I've got the posty bike ride coming up again soon, and I can hear people saying, Oh, why are you doing this again? You ended up in hospital last time, but I need to finish it, and my plan is this year is to just put along, take my time, not race, Mel's not there, and not that we were racing, but I think we just fuel off each other and not make things a competition because she was always riding in front of me. But I don't know, it was it's it'll be different this year without her, and I certainly will miss her on the ride. But we've got a lot of other lovely women to listen to. So if you want to make a donation to Wings for Kids, please do. Um, on Wednesday when I pop this podcast out, I'll also pop on the link for donations. A couple of dollars, anything will be great. It's for um regional families that need to attend appointments in the city, and they're flown in there. It's a completely um not-for-profit charity, and all funds raised go directly to the maintenance of the aeroplanes and the vehicles to get them from the airport and stuff like that. So, not even the CEO draws a wage from the charity, and all the pilots are volunteer based as well. So it's a great charity, it helps so many kids regionally and their parents because they could be losing two or three days out of work to get kids to appointments into the city. Um, so yes, please um give if you can, but please do not feel obliged to do so. Um I actually went to a 50th the other night, um, it was on a Thursday night, it was this dinner at one of the pubs just outside of town, and I ran into a lady who I haven't seen for oh a fair few years actually. Um boys used to play basketball together and footy and stuff like that, but the boys have sort of just gone separate ways in terms of teams and stuff like that, so I don't see her a lot. Um, but it was really, really good to catch up with her. And as you may be aware, I have lost a significant amount of weight. Um and I've been called skinny a lot, I don't like it. One other lady has actually said I'm anorexic, I don't think I am that thin, I feel healthy, and I think that's important. But one of the things that my mate who I hadn't seen for a long time said to me, she goes, Mel, you look really well. And I said, Yeah, I've lost a fair bit of weight. She goes, No, you look well as in happy, and she goes, I can see it in your face, and I just went, that is the nicest compliment I have ever had off anybody, and it doesn't matter if you're skinny, overweight, or healthy or somewhere in the between, if your face shows that you are happy, then that's something that we should be proud of because your weight doesn't define you, and it's been a hard lesson for me to learn that over the last few years. That even when I was at my heaviest, I was still loved and I was still worthy and I was still enough. So I think for me, the biggest thing to be told is that you look happy. That was that was a massive win for me, and I walked away from that going, hmm, thank you. Thanks for helping me on my journey because it's not about what the scale says, it's about what's going on in your head. And for me, I am sitting at a very good place. Yes, I have had a lot going on the last sort of month, but I'm very proud of myself also because I'm still off all my antidepressants and have been able to navigate all these emotions and anxiety and things like that without having to end up in an inpatient stay in hospital. And for don't get me wrong, I am a big advocate for inpatient stays, um, but I think for me, looking back, if I was to look to go through this 12 months ago, I would be in hospital now. So I think it's nice to be able to see the progress, what I have made, and all the effort that I have put in for my own self-recovery, that I have been able to put one foot in front of the other and use the skills and things like that that I have learnt in hospital um to help me with my everyday life. So, yeah, that was very nice. So if she ever listens to this, thank you. She'll know who I am, or she'll know who I'm talking about, I should say. Um so just quickly before we finish up, it's March and it's autumn for those um American viewers, listeners, we're in four. Yeah, four. Um and it snowed here the other day, like didn't actually snow at my house, but probably 20 minutes from home it snowed, and I tell you what, like I love winter, but I was not prepared for that cold snap, and it hasn't really warmed up. But yeah, winter is coming, and hopefully that's an indication that we're gonna get a bit more snow this winter coming, and that would be awesome because I love snow. And before we finish for the week, let's open up our trusty book and have a look at what the thought of the week is, and this week it is what do you think? I think I've read this one before. Yeah, let's find another one. The problems of reading it just opening randomly. Alright, so if you're not aware, it's from the book called The Boy, the Mole, The Fox, and the Horse by John Mackerzie. And now I know Mum said it the other day when I was interviewing her, and she read it correctly, and I said, I'll have to remember that. And true to my word, in that episode, I said that I will forget and I have forgotten. So I might have to get mum to teach me how to say that again. Anyway, so the thought of the week is what do we do when our hearts hurt? asked the boy. We wrap them with friendship, shared tears and time till they wake hopeful and happy again. I just want to reread that again because I feel like I didn't read it very well. What do we do when our hearts hurt? asked the boy. We wrap them in with friendship, shared tears and time, till they wake hopeful and happy again. And isn't that a beautiful way to end our episode? Thanks for tuning in, guys. I hope you have a very, very good week, and please remember to be kind to yourself. Thanks for listening. Thanks for tuning in to Mad Male's Mike. I'm Melissa Smith, and I hope you've enjoyed listening. You can find me on Facebook and Instagram, and don't forget to like and follow. Have a great week and don't forget to be kind to yourself.