What If Success Is Simply Love

Season 2, Episode 13

I talk about what it feels like to swing through a whole stack of emotions in one day and how living with PTSD can make that feel like different versions of me. I share a tough reminder that PTSD still shows up sometimes, plus a few bright spots like better sleep, creative projects, and small wins that keep me moving forward. 
• feeling emotions again after coming off strong antidepressants and learning to regulate reactions 
• a sudden work nightmare and the shock of realising PTSD is still there 
• sleep improving and how that changes day-to-day energy and motivation 
• entering the local country show with honey, jams and relishes and the chaos of collecting entries 
• starting quilting and sewing, hyperfixating on projects and learning a new machine 
• using thrifted denim to plan a throw quilt and making the hobby affordable 
• inviting listeners to share their stories and jump on for interviews 
• a mentor’s TED Talk on internal dialogue and a simple thought about success and self-love 
You can find me on Facebook and Instagram, and don't forget to like and follow. 

Song of the week:

Bitch by Meredith Brooks 

https://youtu.be/_ivt_N2Zcts?si=_ND-AclPQNzMAA1y

Thought of the Week

The Boy, The Mole, The Fox and The Horse by Charlie Mackey

" What do you think success is? asked the boy. To love, said the mole"

Transcript

Welcome To Mad Mel’s Mic

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Hey there, welcome to Mad Mel's Mic. Thanks for joining me. My name is Melissa and this is the podcast all about me. About my life. About my life with PTSD. About my life with the husband and kids and friends and everything in between. Thanks for tuning in. Hey everybody and welcome to Mad Mel's Mic season 2 episode 13. Thanks for tuning in today. I really appreciate all my listeners and those who send me messages and things like that. It's always nice to hear that people are listening to my episodes and getting something out of it. So let's get this episode started. So thanks again for tuning in. I hope everybody's had a really good week. Mine has been fun. It's funny once I finish recording last week's episode, and I know I spoke about how I make stuff up on the fly, there was quite a few things that I actually wanted to talk about which I had forgotten. So hopefully this week I will remember. There's some exciting things that I have been getting into, but let's let's start by asking this question.

How Many “Personalities” In A Day

SPEAKER_01 1:07

How many personalities? And I know that sounds really funny because I don't have multiple personalities, but in one day I feel that I could go through a shit ton of emotions, which makes me feel like I've got different personalities. And I think the song of the week that I have chosen is fun. It's an oldie, but I think it sums up very well how I feel at times, and I can imagine that other people feel that way as well. So let's get it playing.

Feeling Again After Coming Off Meds

SPEAKER_01 2:24

But listening to it now, I certainly feel that I can be all of those things all in one day, and I certainly um feel bad for my husband and kids having to live in a house where they don't know what mum or wife they're gonna get at that moment. But I think at the moment I've been able to regulate my emotions pretty well, and it's been a journey having to regulate those emotions because I had been on like really strong antidepressants for so many years, and then once I came off them, I was able to feel again, and that was such a roller coaster, like just little things like the dog would be licking his leg and his old, and it's I think he's got a bit of anxiety as well, and it would just drive me insane. Like just the noise I've got a squeak in my car that just annoys me, and just having to deal with all these emotions, like even watching TV and an ad comes on, and I don't know, I get sad, and it's refreshing to have these emotions, but having to navigate how to deal with these emotions and deal with them in a healthy way has been such a roller coaster for me, but yeah, it's been been interesting.

A PTSD Nightmare And Its Aftershock

SPEAKER_01 3:33

But last week it was odd because I had a work nightmare which I haven't had for a very, very long time, and I had to deal with it like that. It was really, really high, and I was really heightened, and just having that one nightmare that threw my whole sort of day off was just it was scary, and I haven't had one since, but yeah, it was just weird to think wow, like I thought I was at a point where not I had put my PTSD behind me, but that I was sort of living with it in a way that I could still maintain a relatively normal, stable lifestyle. But I don't know, it was just a kick in the face or a kick in the guts to realise that look, it's still there, it's still something that I have to live with every day. And yeah, it I don't know, it just really shocked me to first of all have that nightmare. And I'm not gonna go into her because it wasn't a particularly nice one. Um, but yeah, it's I don't know, it's sort of just hit home to go, no, Melissa, yes, you are living a lifelong of having to deal with your PTSD, and I don't know, that's hard. It's hard to sort of go shit. Like, I don't know, I think I had just spent so long in that that space of not having to deal with anything, and then it comes and I don't know, it comes and jumps at you. It's just odd, but I haven't had one since, so that's positive. Um my sleep has been actually getting a little bit better. I've been waking up feeling not as exhausted, um, which has been very nice because that's very tiring, waking up exhausting, exhausted, and not, I don't know, just not having the energy or the motivation to do anything. So I am sleeping better, which is having a huge impact on my day-to-day, which is brilliant.

Country Show Entries And Surprise Wins

SPEAKER_01 5:49

Um, so for those of you who listened to the episode where I interviewed Mel, you'll know that we have a strong desire to enter into the local country shows. And this year we just had our local one on, and I entered in some honey, I entered in a fair few different jams, a chili tomato relish, normal tomato relish. Um was there anything else? No, I think that was it, and all of the fruits um that I had made everything was fresh from our garden as well, so it was pretty cool. Anyway, so I kind of enter it in and um so everything's ready. Mel has made a bucket ton of cakes and things like that, so we take it down to the show and we get there. And look, I'm just gonna say I don't read any instructions. I generally rely on Mel telling me what to do, and in my defense, I had already made these jams long before the show program and information pack came out, so I hadn't realized that the jams had to be in a certain size jar, and some of mine were littler, and there was my big jam was in like this tiny little 120mm jar and it was only half full. And she goes, Look, I can't take this, it's not even full. I went, Yeah, that's fine. But I had this peach jam that was in it, also a 120mm jar, and that was full to the brim. She goes, Look, I really shouldn't be taking this, but it looks really good. I went perfect. So, anyway, so long story short, she took it. I walked away with the first prize for my um chili tomato relish, and I highly commend it for the peach jam. And I really think that if my peach jam was in a proper proper size jar, I reckon I would have got a win on that one as well. Anyway, so Mel and I go and pick up our stuff from the shows and our winnings, and I had had one first prize, and so that's five dollars, it's three dollars to enter, five dollar winning prize, and Mel had won a few as well, and so had her daughter. Anyway, so I go and pick up my honey, and I'm just gonna set the scene here and just say I was tired, I couldn't be bothered being there, but I knew I wanted to get the jams because I would give them to dad because he loves the jams and we don't eat any jam at all, so I thought, nope, let's get it. And I had to get the honey because Cliff, my son, was mortified when I told him that I was entering the honey um and he loves it, so that was the one thing I really wanted to get was the honey. Well, they're probably about quarter past two in the afternoon. Anyway,

The Honey Pickup Meltdown Moment

SPEAKER_01 8:40

so I go up to the honey section. I said, I just want to grab my honey, and she goes, You can't pick it up until after three. I went, What do you mean? Like I thought it was before three. She goes, Yeah. Well, on the information pack it says buy three. I'm thinking to myself, well, that's what the fucking means. Like buy three. Anyway, so I'm getting more and more irritable. Um, she goes, Oh, well, we can just give it now. I I hadn't won, it was in the back of a cabinet where nobody could see, well, you could see it, but anyway, anyway, so she redeemed herself by giving me a bit of feedback with the honey and stuff like that, and I ended up getting 77 out of 100, which if I was doing an exam, I'd be going, Hell yeah, that's awesome! Like peas mean degrees and anything over 50 is a win. So she was really, really lovely. Anyway, so I go to pick up my preserves, like my jams and stuff, and the lady who was running it wasn't there and apparently wasn't getting there until three. And my patience is getting smaller and smaller, my care factor was virtually at zero, and Mel had to go to the show office to pick up her winnings, and that was a clusterfuck as well. Um, so we do that, and Mel had said, Oh yeah. And I had said to the lady at me, like this Mel, had won one of the prizes as well. So she just pulls out five bucks from somebody. We walk out. I said to Mel as we're walking back, I said, Fuck it. I said, Don't worry about my jams, don't worry about my little certificates. So just leave it. She goes, No, like we'll just get them out of the cabinet. And just so you know, Mel and I have this friendship, which is quite funny, where I am most of the time the brave one where I will put myself outside of my comfort zone and do something which and I would do it for her because she's not brave enough to do it. But I looked at her, I said, Mel, I can't open up those cabinets. She goes, That's all right, I'll do it. I went, What do you mean? Like it was a full roll reversal type thing. Anyway, so we go back in and we're looking at these cabinets, and like there were two cabinets back to back. Actually, there were four cabinets, like two lengthways, and then they were back to back. And then we tried to slide the glass, but it was just like a full panel of glass on this front and the top. And I've looked over and gone, fuck it, Mel, that's it, we're not getting it. She goes, No, we're getting it. Next minute, she's dragging this cabinet away, like moving cabinets so we could get into the back of it, and then at this time, two other blokes come up and said, Oh, let me help you. And then I sort of went, Oh, okay, we're allowed to do this. Not that I would have cared normally, but wherever I was in this mindset, it was just really, really weird. I just didn't have the strength or the energy in me emotionally to get these bloody jams out. Anyway, so we got all the jams out, and the lady who um the lady who um did all the preserves and stuff turned up, and she was really, really lovely. Um, she made the whole experience a hell of a lot better. So, but we ended up taking our winnings, um, and we walked out going, okay, next year I'm going to do my sourdough, I'm going to decorate a cake, I'm going to make sure all my jams are in the right size jars, I'm going to make sure my honey has no air bubbles in

Hyperfixation And Learning To Quilt

SPEAKER_01 12:02

it. Um, and Rory and I had decided that we were going to start quilting, which leads me into my next little adventure. And look, I really, really feel sorry for my husband because I get these little ideas in my head, and then I hyperfixate. Look, I probably have some ADHD in me. Um, undiagnosed, of course. Um, it's a family trait, it's in the family, so I have no doubt it's there, but I am functioning with life without a formal diagnosis. And my mate's going, and he'll know who I'm talking about, is gonna listen to this going. I fucking told you you had eye ADHD. Neurodivergent people seem to hang out with neurodivergent people. I've gone anyway, so he'll get a chuckle out of that. Anyway, so um I'm Rory and I wanted to start quilting, and just to rewind a little bit, I have a Kawasaki versus 300 as well as my posty bike. So the Kawasaki is considered my big bike. Um, when for me a 300's huge, um, and I've got this tub box on the back, and I decided that I wanted like I went for a ride, and it's just plastic and there's no lining in it. And I went for a ride up the mountain on a week or so ago, I could just hear my water bottle just rattling around in there, so I got it in my head that I was going to make this tub liner. We have this tiny little sewing machine that we had bought Mackenzie years and years ago, and I thought, no, that's alright, we'll do this anyway. So I had it in my head what I wanted to do, and then my husband's going, Well, you should do this and you should do this. I said, just let me do it. I said the likelihood of it working out is very, very slim, but I want to try and do it the way my head says that I am able to do it anyway. So I start quilting together this tub liner, and look, to be honest, I'm very happy with how the tub liner turned out, and then we had the show, and then we saw the quilts, and Rory and I have walked away going, that's it. We're gonna buy a new sewing machine and we're gonna start quilting. So that's what we did. We bought this sewing machine. Look, I don't do things by halves, and this sewing machine is not a beginner sewing machine, it's not top of the range, okay. Like I didn't spend thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars, I did spend a significant amount of money on this machine, and I would consider it a moderate mid-range machine. Anyway, Rory and I are having the time of our lives on this machine. I've made four cushions quilted, two of them are for me, two of them are for my mum. I've made hanging hand towels, so when you wash your hands in the kitchen, there's a hand towel right near the sink hanging. I've broken a needle, I have no idea what I'm doing. I said to Raru when we got the machine, I said, okay, here's the deal. You need to read all the instructions and the manual, and you need to tell me what to do. Um, so there's been times there where I've put something into ChatGPT and it'll give me words, and so I can read, like I read every night for fun. Um, but reading manuals and instructions, I it just doesn't process in my head. So, anyway, so I asked Chat GPT to give me a video of how I can do it. I think I was um creating a buttonhole. No, I wasn't, I was um sewing a button on with the machine, which look, I can actually sew a button on mum by hand, but I thought, well, why not do it with the machine? It'll make it tighter and neat look neater and stuff like that. So I'm trying to figure it out. ChatGPT gives me this video, it's in a foreign language, which is really not helpful. And then Rory comes home, like she must have gotten home from basketball. She goes, Oh, you just do this and this and this. I went, brilliant. Where were you 20 minutes ago before I had to get it all onto Chat GPT? Um, but Rory has been um a big help, and we've been enjoying getting all these little projects. So my next project that I want to do is a um like a quilt, like a throw quilt. So when I'm sitting on the lounge, um, but Mel had actually sent me the idea of using old denim, and for those of you who have listened to all my previous episodes, you know that I've lost a significant amount of weight, which has resulted in me having to get a whole new wardrobe, which then has led to me donating a whole heap of my old clothes to Salvos, which is really frustrating because fabric is really really expensive, like really expensive. Like I you can understand why people don't sew anymore because you can go buy a shirt from Kmart for six bucks or a pair of jeans for 30 bucks. Um, and I'm going and buying a meter of fabric, and it's cost me 25 bucks. Um, so it is an expensive hobby, but it is enjoyable. Anyway, so Mel had sent me this um reel of somebody who had used old denim jeans and made a throw blanket out of it. I went brilliant, that's a really nice idea. I'm gonna do that because that would match into my sort of grey-ish um lounge room and match the cushions I had already made as well. So I thought, shit, I don't want to go and spend a bucket ton of money because I want it like big enough to go over me. I'm sort of thinking like a single bed type size. I don't want to spend a shit ton of money at Spotlight. So I Mel and I go into Salvo's and I buy six pairs of jeans for 70 bucks, and I'm just going to cut them all up and put them all together and sew this blanket together. So I'm really, really excited about that. I'll

Thrifting Denim For A Throw Quilt

SPEAKER_01 17:51

start actually um putting stuff up with my socials, and I know I say this nearly every week that I need to get more vigilant with my socials and be more proactive, and I know that when I am, more people see my episodes. Like, I haven't even for the last couple of weeks put um a link to that week's episode on Facebook or Instagram, and I know I know I really have to do that. Um, so I'm going to try really, really, really hard. And if you see that I haven't put something on and you know me or you don't know me, flick me a message and say thank you. Put it on Facebook. I haven't seen you on Facebook for a while, Mel. Where are you? I haven't seen you on Insta. Hello, what are you doing? So I ask for your help as well.

Social Posts And Listener Interview Invites

SPEAKER_01 18:39

Um, I just also wanted to add here before I wrap up that I have received a few emails from listeners from the states who actually want to jump on and um be interviewed as well, which is awesome, and I can't wait to get into that. But I also want to start interviewing some local people, whether or not it's been people that I've met in hospital, um, people that I have worked with. So if you are keen to be interviewed, like Jeff was, and that was an amazing episode. And for those who of you who have messaged me and reached out, I really appreciate it. Um, he was very, very brave and vulnerable in doing that. So, but if you want to jump on, share your story, where you're up to, little things that have helped you along the way, please reach out. Either send me a message if you got my number or find me on my socials. I am actually quite good at responding to people's messages on social media if you um find me on Mad Mills mics. So, yes, I would love to hear from you. And the more people that we can hear their stories from, the more people that will hope helpfully learn and help themselves on their journey. It actually makes me really excited to um jump on and hear other people talk about their life experience and stuff like that. And I know last week I spoke very, very briefly about a program I'm doing called The Change

A Mentor’s TED Talk On Self-Talk

SPEAKER_01 20:03

Room, and it was quite funny actually. I I have this mentor who I speak to once a week, and he's sort of like life coaching me as well. And he I had a chat with him last week, and he goes, Oh, look, I'm just gonna spend four seconds speaking about me. I'm just gonna set the scene again and say I had no idea who this fellow was, and he wasn't a name dropper, he didn't say, Oh, you should know who I am, type thing. Like it's a lovely, lovely bloke, and I'm so fortunate to have him in my corner as a mentor. But he goes, Oh, I just wanted to share that I'm on a TED talk. I went, What? No way. I'm thinking, like, who is this fella to be on a TED talk anyway? So I Google him, and it's Matt Elliott who used to coach the Penrith about Penrith Panthers about 20 years ago. And for those who know me, I wouldn't be married if I supported anybody other than Penrith. Um, so I am a diehard Penrith girl, win or lose, and we've been fortunate enough for the last few years that we have been winning, but um so I had to listen to his TED talk, and he's amazing. So I'm definitely gonna share these on my socials. And next week I am away for the course, so I will try and record something before I go away. I'm not sure how my chances will go because I have to go to Sydney beforehand, and then I'm gonna go visit mum and dad as well. Oh, I guess I could record at mum and dad's. Anyway, that's something I will work out. Um, but I will definitely chuck the link on to this TED talk. It goes to 16, it actually goes to 20 minutes, but it is totally worth it. And he just gives you some good life skills that are not hard and are very, very easy to do for those who are having issues with their internal dialogue. So, yes, all right.

Thought Of The Week And Kindness

SPEAKER_01 21:58

So, let's finish up with The thought of the week from the trusty steed book called The Bowl. Oh my gosh, I can't even read this morning. Called The Boy, The Mole, The Fox, and the Horse by Charlie Maxie. And like I do every week, I'm just going to open it up to a random page. And it is, What do you think success is? Ask the boy to love, said the mole. Isn't that beautiful? Love is so important in our lives, but I think it's also more important that we love ourselves because if we can't love ourselves, then we can't move forward. So thank you very much for tuning in. Have a good week and remember to be kind to yourself. Thanks for tuning in to Mad Mail's Mike. I'm Melissa Smith and I hope you've enjoyed listening. You can find me on Facebook and Instagram, and don't forget to like and follow. Have a great week and don't forget to be kind to yourself.