When Pain Hijacks Your Head

Season 2, Episode 17

My knee injury has me sidelined from the sports that keep me grounded, and I can feel my brain racing ahead to the worst outcomes. I talk through how pain, poor sleep, and uncertainty flare my PTSD, and how I’m trying to use my tools before I slide too far down the snake. 
• skipping song of the week because nothing resonates 
• asking listeners for song suggestions and why they matter 
• MRI booked and the stress of waiting for answers 
• grief and fear about not playing team sport again 
• how family time and identity are tied to basketball 
• irritability and low mood when pain wrecks sleep 
• motivation gaps even when I know what helps 
• reframing “it is what it is” as a coping choice 
• reminders from PTSD recovery tools and self-compassion 
• vulnerability as the most honest way to podcast 
please um just email me or message me the song that you would like to hear played. And if you are up to it, maybe just chucking in there why you like that song as well. 
You can find me on Facebook and Instagram, and don't forget to like and follow. 

Thought of the week:

The Boy, The Mole, The Fox and The Horse by Charlie Mackesy

"Always remember you matter, you're important and you are loved, and you bring into this world things no one else can"

Transcript

Welcome Back And Set The Tone

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hey there, welcome to Mad Mel's Mike. Thanks for joining me. My name is Melissa and this is the podcast all about me. About my life. About my life with PTSD. About my life with the husband and kids and friends and everything in between. Thanks for tuning in.

SPEAKER_01 0:16

Hey everybody and welcome to Mad Mel's Mic season 2, episode 17. Thank you for tuning in. It's almost July. It's incredible how fast this year's gone, and it just blows my mind to think that I'm going to be thinking about Christmas before we know it, which is really scary. Anyway, let's get this episode started.

No Song Of The Week

SPEAKER_01 0:42

Thanks again, everybody, for tuning in. This week I'm actually not going to do a song of the week, and I think this is my first episode ever that I haven't done a song of the week. And there's only really one reason why I'm not doing it is because I cannot think of a song. And I'd I've got lots of songs, yes, that I could choose from, but not any that are really resonating with me. So I'm just going to leave this blank space. And well, not actually literally a blank space. I'm going to fill it with my voice. But yeah, I'm not going to have a song of the week this week. But if I can just ask you, I know last week a mate sent me a song suggestion. So if you do have any song suggestions, please um just email me or message me the song that you would like to hear played. And if you are up to it, maybe just chucking in there why you like that song as well. Because it look for some reason choosing the song of the week every week is probably the hardest things of this podcast, which is really weird because I speak for say 20 minutes of it, and the song mainly only consumes 20 to 30 seconds of it, but yeah, I just find it very, very difficult in some weeks to think of a song that's going to be beneficial to the episode. So, yes, instead of chucking on something that just is shit, I am not going to have anything at all, and I'm actually kind of happy with that.

Knee Trouble And MRI Countdown

SPEAKER_01 2:15

Um, so as you are all aware, I have been having ongoing issues with my knee. I can't remember if I spoke about it last week that I'm having an MRI. I've actually got that booked in on Thursday, so two more days away, and we'll figure out what's going on. And I'm very keen to figure out what's going on because last night I had to watch my girls and the rest of my basketball team all play and I had to sit on the sidelines, and that really sucked. Um, I much prefer to be sitting or not sitting but playing with them. But I don't know, it sort of made me start to think am I actually ever going to be able to play sport again? I haven't played pickleball for about a month, and that sadens me. I didn't play basketball. Like we had a buyer last week, so that was fine, and the week before that was the long weekend, so I haven't been I've only actually probably missed one game because of my knee, but I don't know, it's sort of my brain just starts to catastrophise and go, well, what if I can never play team sports again? And I know I've already given up netball and I'm okay with that, but the thought of never being able to play a sport again is concerning, it makes me really sad just thinking about it because I have always played team sports, like even when I was little, it was netball and netball, and then sort of in my young adult life, I played touch footy and netball, and netball has always been there. And when I did my ankle, um, I did actually get back onto the netball court and then did it again. And I I knew for my own physical and mental health that I shouldn't be getting back on the netball court, but um, with a lot of physio and rehabbing, I was able to get back on to the basketball court, and I'm really loving that. And not only just playing it, and I am very competitive for those who don't know me. I um like to win, I'm not a sore loser, I am very competitive, and that comes out in my play, and which is where I got the mad male from because my netbook coach or years ago used to call me mad eye male because my eyes just look like they were possessed when I was playing. I just get so ingrained in the sport, and I can't I've got like blinkers on, I can't see anything other than it, but it for me playing in basketball, it's a nice family time. I play with both my girls, um, my husband coaches if he's not refing. But it's that nice, let me rephrase it, it's mostly nice to be playing with the girls, and I say mostly because some games are lovely and we all get along really well, but we all know with family dynamics it can cause a little bit of issues, and we have a little bit of issues on the court at some times, and it might result in one of us yelling at the other person and things like that. But I think for me it's all part of the game, and being able to play with them is so important to me because I don't know, it's just something that we do together, and I just think life is so busy and hectic that there's not many opportunities all currently where my family dynamics are sitting with them at uni and work and all their other extracurricular activities, that there's not a lot of time where we can spend that quality time together. But for me, I was guaranteed that one hour on a Monday night playing basketball with the girls, so that's um gonna be a big thing to have to come to terms with. But and I know like the rational part of my brain saying, Melissa, you haven't even had your MRA yet, you don't know what's going on in your knee. But then the irrational side of my brain is going, No, you're never gonna be able to play again, you're gonna be in surgery, you're gonna need a knee replacement. It's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, like I'm 42, like,

Catastrophising And Missing Team Sport

SPEAKER_01 6:20

but what whatever happens, happens. Like, I can't control it, and I just know that I'm gonna have to take it as it comes, and that's gonna be very difficult because over the last week I have really, really struggled with my mental health, and it all has come as a direct result of my knee, and I remember like I can't remember what day it was, must have been Wednesday, and I normally pay pickleball Wednesday morning, but I was really flat, like really, really flat. I messaged my husband saying, 'Look, I'm really flat.' Um, Mel was away as well. Um, so that not that I am dependent on her, but it's nice to have her geographically close. So if I just need to pop in or we just go for a lap, or we go run errands together, it just fills my cup, and I had sort of missed that. I was dealing with um the uncertainty of my knee as well, and I was really, really flat. And I remember messaging a mate saying, I don't know whether to cry or lose my shit at the kids. I was so irritable, I was so flat. Like the kids would look at me and I would want to snap. Like, and I hate feeling like that, and as much as I tried to use some of my tools that I have in my little tool belt, nothing was working, and I can't go out for a walk because last week my knee was particularly bad, it hurt to walk from the lounge to the toilet. Um, so I'm not I was in such a state that I couldn't even go, Melissa, go sit outside. Mind you, it's been terrible weather for the last sort of week. I think today's the first time we've seen sun in about a month. So that combined with everything else, I was just in this ridiculous state, and I didn't know how to get myself out of it. And by the time the origin started on Wednesday night, none of us, none of like my husband and I weren't talking to the kids, the kids weren't talking to us. Um, the origin was just about to start, and I went into each of their rooms and said, Oh, look, you're gonna come watch the origin. Anyway, they eventually all did come out, and then we all had fun. But literally, as soon as the origin finished, it was we'll go back to what we're going doing before. Like, I was still irritable. Like during the game, even though we lost and it was a shit ass game. Um, by the way, I'm a New South Wales supporter. Um, like during the game, we sort of all the the negativeness of what the night had brought to us was all sort of gone. But then as soon as the game

Irritability Sleep And Feeling Flat

SPEAKER_01 9:10

finished, we were sort of back in that mindset, and I think for me the biggest thing that's having an impact is obviously my knee, but my knee then impacting my sleep, and because I feel like I am sleeping, but I'm not sleeping well because I can't sleep on the left hand side of my body, so that's having a big impact as well on what I am like during the day, and I'm allowed to swim, and I woke Cliff up this morning to go for a swim. And I was in my swimmers, I was ready to go, and it was freezing, like it was it was probably about two degrees when I got up this morning, and I went to wake him up, and he could not open his eyes, he was just so exhausted. And I went in a couple of times, and I thought, no, I'm just I'm fighting and losing battle here, I'm never going to be able to wake this kid up. So I ended up just starting my day and having my breakfast, still in my swimmers, and eventually got changed out of my swimmers, and yeah, so like I am allowed to swim, but even just finding that motivation to get into the pool is hard work as well. So look, I at the moment I don't have a solution as to what I need to do. No, I do have a solution, and at the moment, it's what do I do? No, that's not even the right phrase. I know what to do, it's about having the motivation to be able to do it, and that's very, very hard when you're already feeling a little bit flat and feeling sorry for myself, and like all at basketball, all I wanted people to say, particularly on the other team, I live in a small town, go, oh my gosh, Mel, how come you're not playing? I just wanted to like if other people noticed it, well then I don't know why psychologically it would make me feel better about myself because I'm not playing, but anyway, nobody asked me, so I clearly um I think people care well, I think of myself more highly than what other people do, which is fine. Like I don't expect to be in everybody's first thought when they wake up in the morning, but I expect it to be in my husband's first thought when he wakes up in the morning. Um, but yeah, it's it's funny how this brain is just working in a funny little way. But because I have done nothing, and I mean nothing the last week, my knees are feeling too bad, and that's why I asked the physio if I was allowed to play, and she said no, I would prefer not to, and I felt like saying, Don't swear at me, but I I knew the answer before I even asked the question. Like realistically, it was a stupid question to ask, but anyway, um, it is what it is, and it's funny because the I was on a call this morning, and that comp that line was thrown out, it is what it is. And I remember the interview that I had with my brother

It Is What It Is Reframed

SPEAKER_01 12:05

Matthew, we were speaking about that term as well, and he was saying how he hates it, and I'm going, Well, I really like it, and I think this is where I need to put my money where my mouth is, because I just said it is what it is with my knee, but then if I look at why I like that phrase, it is what it is, because no, I can't change what's going on with my knee, but I can change how I see it and how I perceive it and how I am going to work around it because I can't physically change what's going on with my knee at this point. There's not a not to say that come Thursday afternoon, once the results of the MRI have come through, there isn't a solution to my knee problem, and I'm really hopeful there is. But between now and then, there is nothing I can do because I've just got to tread water until I go and get my MRI. But I need to go back to that mind frame of it is what it is. I can't change what's going on with my knee, but I can change on how I deal with it and how I perceive it and how it is actually going to impact me on a day-to-day basis. And I'm going to be completely brutally honest until you I have let this knee start to crumble me. And that's what scares the shit out of me. This it's almost those that deja vu of having a physical injury and then me sliding back down that that massive snake when I've spoken about the snakes and ladders of PTSD, and like I feel like in the last sort of six to twelve, even 18 months, I've been not not 18 months, I've been steadily climbing that ladder, and I feel like if I jump on board this snake, I'm going to go right back to where I start. But if I can start using those tools in place and start using some things that I have learnt during my inpatient stays, my outpatient, my courses, and what I've learned from other people also walking this journey, then I'm not going to end up right back where I began. Yes, it might be a little hiccup, and that's fine. Um, and don't get me wrong, if I end up back where I started, that is also fine. And I need to take comfort in knowing that if I do spiral that far down, there's no shame in that. I haven't lost anything, I haven't lost myself, and I'm only going to grow because of this experience. So I just need to give myself a little bit of comfort and gratification to know that I have got this. I am able to put one foot in front of the other and get through this knee by myself because, like anything with mental health, actually, I always say it regarding mental health, but I don't think it's necessarily isolated just to mental health. If if you want something in this life, you have to work for it. Nobody's going to give it to you. And if I want my head to be okay as a result of this knee, I need to work on it myself. If I want this podcast to go viral, I

Tools For Avoiding A Spiral

SPEAKER_01 15:10

need to put the work in and do it. I need to pull my finger out of my ass and get on TikTok. Little things like that. If we want something in life, we need to put in the hard work because it's not going to get handed to us on a silver platter. And I think that's important for me, particularly at this moment, to realise that yes, I can have a pity party for myself. And yes, I can allow myself to have a pity party, but when that pity party turns into days and weeks, that's when it becomes a problem. So I think I need to look again at some of the strategies and the tools that I have in my little handy-dandy book and see what I can do to get forward. It I haven't like because of my knee, I really haven't done a lot. I finished the matching cushions for my uh quilt that I made, so that was nice to finish that. I haven't actually done any sewing either because once again, the where my knee sits on the pedal of the sewing machine, it actually hurts. So I've just been catching up on Farmer Wants a Wife, um, watching shitty TV shows and doing a little bit around the house, but not a lot, mostly just washing and stuff like that. Um, but yeah, just trying to keep myself occupied whilst also resting my leg. So yeah, but I haven't really done a lot. But yeah, it's been an alright week, and it's been difficult trying to navigate the emotions that have been thrown in amongst me having to

Why Vulnerability Makes This Work

SPEAKER_01 16:45

deal with this knee. And this episode has actually only been about my knee, and I apologize, but I think I was actually asked a question today um what best state do I need to be in for my podcast to be successful? And I answered it with one word, and that was vulnerable. And I think what resonates a lot from listeners and from people who have reached out to me or talked to me in general conversations is that they admire my vulnerability. And some people call it bravery, but I don't call it bravery at all. I don't consider what I do to be brave, but I think there's something nice to hear somebody's story and they're being vulnerable, and I think that's what this episode has been about the the vulnerability that I've had to expose while sharing what's going on with my knee. Like I've said in previous episodes, I can just get up and say, Oh my gosh, I am so good, ha ha ha ha ha, and do all these fake laughs. And but people don't want to hear that. People want to hear male struggles as well, and that's okay. And I think for a lot of people, and I know for myself, if I was to be listening to this from an outsider's perspective and not from somebody who's actually living it, I would feel validated in knowing that it's okay to feel like this, and that there is hope, and that there is that light at the end of end of the tunnel. And yeah, so I think for me, the um best state I can be in while recording these episodes is vulnerable, and I have think I have shown that from my first episode on season one, my vulnerability. And I appreciate everybody who jumps on and has listened, and I appreciate everybody who gives me feedback, whether that's constructive criticism or positive feedback. This is this is a learning curve for me. I've never done anything like this in my life. Like I spent 18 years in the cops. Um, but yeah, I just appreciate everybody and them listening.

Thought Of The Week And Goodbye

SPEAKER_01 19:05

Before we wrap up, let's have a look at the thought of the week. As we do every week, we're opening up to a random page from The Boy, the Mole, The Fox and the Horse by Charlie Maxie. And this week's is always remember you matter. You're important and are loved, and you bring to this world things no one else can. What a great way to end the week. Thanks for tuning in. Have a great week and be kind to yourself.

SPEAKER_00 19:36

Thanks for tuning in to Mad Mail's Mike. I'm Melissa Smith, and I hope you've enjoyed listening. You can find me on Facebook and Instagram, and don't forget to like and follow. Have a great week, and don't forget to be kind to yourself.