When PTSD Changes Everything

Season 2, Episode 18

I talk through a cold, hard week and why showing up online with raw honesty helps me feel less alone and helps others feel seen. A Toy Story song opens up a bigger truth about PTSD, identity loss, and why tiny actions and real connection keep me from sliding into isolation.
• posting TikTok and social videos despite perfectionism 
• creating a podcast to reach people who feel isolated 
• using “Strange Things” to explain PTSD symptoms and shock 
• grieving identity after PTSD and leaving policing 
• knee MRI results and the emotional hit of losing sport 
• balancing rest for injury with movement for mental health 
• leaning on sewing and guitar as grounding tools 
• pushing against isolation with mates, book club, and small plans 
• thought of the week on being small and making a difference 
You can find me on Facebook and Instagram, and don't forget to like and follow.

Song of the Week
Strange Things - Randy Newman
https://youtu.be/HQHdqbJQMrc?si=ZwwZhnDZMSvsO-mv

Thought of the week:
The Boy, The Mole, The Fox and The House by Charlie Mackesy
"Im so small, said the mole. Yes, said the boy, but you make a huge difference"

Transcript

Welcome To Mel’s World

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hey there, welcome to Mad Mel's Mike. Thanks for joining me. My name is Melissa and this is a podcast all about me. About my life. About my life with PTSD. About my life with the husband and kids and friends and everything in between. Thanks for tuning in. Hey everybody, and welcome to Mad Mel's Mic Season 2 episode 18. Thanks for tuning in. Um it's been a cold, cold week, so let's get this episode started and we'll have a chat about it.

Posting Online And Staying Real

SPEAKER_00 0:32

Thanks again for tuning in, everybody, and I'm just gonna start that I'm going to let everybody know that I'm pretty proud of myself because I've actually been on TikTok and done a few uh videos and put them out on Instagram and Facebook as well, and it's amazing the feedback. Well, not so much the feedback, the comments and little messages that I get that people have been watching my videos, and it's nice because I think in what I say, people can relate to it, and it might help them for the next minute or so. And if I'm gonna do it, that's the reason I think I need to continue doing it, is because I know that it is helping people, and that's why I've got this podcast, and that's why I try to be present on my social media as well. And it's not all just about the downloads, it's about being able to reach and connect people who are feeling isolated and things like that. So, yes, I have been present on the social media and videos and stuff like that. And don't get me wrong, it's hard bloody work, like it's hard to think about what I need to say, how I say it, how I present myself, where I even stand. Like the one I did on Friday after I got the results from my knee, like Cliff, my son goes, Mum, like you need to walk around or you need to choose a different background. And it's like, well, it's bloody hard. Like I went and did the second one about PTSD awareness day, and I did that on the front porch, and then you can hear dogs barking in the background. But look, it's life, and life is far from perfect, and as a result, my videos and reels and even my episodes are far from perfect as well. But I think that's what people like about my podcast is that it is raw, and it's just little old Mel sitting at the moment in her lounge room recording an episode.

A Toy Story Song Meets PTSD

SPEAKER_00 2:29

So um, I know last week I didn't do a song of the week, but this week I do actually have one, and I know I said to everybody last week that I find picking the songs of the week the hardest part of the episode, and that is still very true. But this song just popped up on me. I was um actually Mel and I picked up her daughter from Dance, and we started talking about Toy Story, which seems to be the flavour of the month. Anyway, so I decided to go and watch the first one, and this song was playing, and I went, now this is perfect. So instead of playing just a short snippet, what I want to do is anyway, I'm gonna mix it up a bit this week. Have a listen.

SPEAKER_01 3:14

I was on top of the world, living high, right in my body. I was living the life they were just the way they should be.

SPEAKER_00 3:26

So this song is called Strange Things by Randy Newman, and it it comes into Toy Story when um Buzz turns up in Andy's room and Woody's pretty upset about it. But what I like about it, and I'm going to refer it back to my diagnosis with PTSD, is where it says I was living on top of the world, things were just the way they were meant to be, and for me it was like life was chugging along pretty perfectly, and well not perfectly because, like I said, life is far from perfect, but it things were happening and things were going according to the plan.

SPEAKER_01 4:02

So bomb in a rocket.

SPEAKER_00 4:11

The bomb from the sky and the punk in the rocket. Yeah, that's when PTSD hit me real good.

SPEAKER_01 4:20

Not all of the sun, some strange things are happening to me.

SPEAKER_00 4:25

Yes, strange things certainly were happening to me. It was the uncontrollable crying, it was the anger, it was the insomnia, it was the nightmares, it was the flashbacks, and I was sitting there going, what the hell is happening to me? And that, my friends, is what we call isolation. And going from somebody who was very social to somebody who almost became a recluse was very, very strange. And I can't think of any other word but to say strange. I had power and I was respected. Isn't it funny? This is a song about losing a friend or your loved one, but if you put it into the perspective of PTSD, particularly my own PTSD diagnosis, I was in the police, I was respected, I did have power. And look, when I say I was respected, there were certainly some shitbags out there that didn't give a fuck about the police, but I was respected and I wore that uniform and I wore it with pride. And then once PTSD came and hit me in the ass, all of that was gone. So not only am I have I lost my friends through isolation, I've lost my self of identity as well. And so a part of having to deal with the PTSD was the grieving of who I was my entire adult life from the age of 18 and a half at the academy to 37, and it was a big kick in the guts. And if you are at the beginning of your PTSD journey and you are experiencing all these strange things, know that it is normal, it's not comfortable, you are not alone, and like I said in my latest TikTok, PTSD does not define you. So I hope everybody enjoyed the way I dissected the song of the week this week. It's something different. I thought I would then be able to break it up in little segments and then sort of explain my thinking behind the song because I know a lot of the songs of the week are so obscure, and I don't know how I come up with how they are relatable to my life at the time, but I certainly can make it work, and I'm not sure if everybody who listens can understand that as well. And I hope you do. And if you don't, like just reach out and just say mail, like how the hell did that fit in? Um, but yeah, so this week has been a tough

MRI Results And Losing Sport

SPEAKER_00 7:24

one. I obviously, for those who don't know or haven't listened or watched my TikTok and my socials, I got my results back from my MRI while I had my MRI. Um that MRI went well. I actually don't mind MRIs, MRIs, but um had that, got the results back, and like I said, I was expecting the worst but hoping for the best, and I was expecting the worst and actually got the worst. And when I say the worst, it's it could be far worse than what it actually is, but I think for me it's all relative, and for me, the worst is not being able to play basketball and not being able to play pickleball, and that just has such an emotional um drain on me because that that team social sports is such a huge part in my life, and taking that away is hard, and then once that gets sort of taken away, then my head starts to spiral as well. So it's been a whirlwind of a week, there's been anger, there's been lots of tears. Um but I'm trying really, really hard to stay motivated and focused, and it's really difficult because motivation is at zero, and what makes it even worse is that I know that if I sit on my ass doing nothing all day, then it helps my knees. So it's sort of a catch-22. Like I need to be resting my knee, but in the same token, I need to be doing something for my head, so it's about trying to find that balance. Um, I know I can swim, but it has been that bloody cold. Like, I don't want to have to swim, like it's an indoor pool and it's heated, but it still sort of makes you go like that when you get into the pool because it's cool, but then once you start swimming your laps and stuff, you warm up pretty quickly. But then I don't get changed at the pool. I come home in like my tower, so I'm freezing when I get home, and just all of that. It's just swimming for me, is just such an effort. Like, you have to get changed, you got to get to the pool, you get in, you get wet, you get out, you got to get dry, you got to get home, you got to shower, and then worst of all, you got to wash your hair, which is such a pain. I hate washing my hair. Um, mind you, I have gotten better at it since my head broke. There were times there where I wouldn't wash my hair for ages. I never brushed my hair, and my hair was so badly matted that when I was with mum, she'd have to sit there and brush it all out. So I know that things certainly have improved. And looking back retrospectively, I can see how far I have come on this journey, but it's just hard not being able to do the things that you love. And everybody knows that when you do some exercise, it gets the endorphins going and you feel better, and you you are naturally more motivated yourself. But when you're sitting inside constantly, because I can't even go outside and enjoy the sun because there hasn't been sun, or there has been very little sun in the last sort of four weeks, and that's just depressing on itself. Um, but yeah, look, I'll we'll get there. I have to um go see a sports doctor, which I will, and then hopefully from there I'll get some more of an idea about what I need to do. And I know that what is going on with my knee is treatable, it's it's not going to cure the problem, um, but it's just been able to get it done, and yeah, I just am a bit over it to be completely honest. Um, I just I just feel like I've just been like I lived up until I was how old was I when I did my ankle? What 39? I lived physically free, basically, like physical injury free for up until nearly my 40th year on this earth. And then since then I've done my ankle four times, I stacked my posty bike, um I've had these recurrent issues with my knee, and I just it's it's a bloody pain in the ass, and it makes me sad. Um but I know that I can get through this, I know that I have the strength in me, although at some times it it doesn't feel like that, but I know that I am able to do what needs to be done so I can get through this rough patch at the minute. And in the words of Taylor Swift, it's just a temporary speed bump, it's just a storm in a teacup, but it still sometimes hurts like a bitch.

Small Coping Wins With Hobbies

SPEAKER_00 12:19

But yeah, so I haven't really been doing a lot. I've been doing a lot of watching television, a lot of playing stupid games on my phone. Um, I have not been doing a little bit of sewing, which has been good. I actually thought I broke the sewing machine the other day, it was making this weirdest noise. And I looked up at my husband, he was in the kitchen doing stuff, and because our dining room's been taken over by the sewing. Um, so if when he's doing stuff in the kitchen, I like to sit there and sew, so then we can have a conversation because our lives are so busy, we sort of become passing ships in the night. Um, and I just could not figure out what was wrong with this machine. I pulled this part, pulled it apart a little bit and cleaned it out. I thought I had some threads stuck in there. Anyway, it was still making this noise, and I'm thinking, shit, like I've had this machine what, three months, if that, and I've already broken the bastard. And so I call my trusty steed Rory, and she comes out and she goes, looks at it and tries to get it to work. She goes, What have you done to this mum? And then she goes, uh, you haven't threaded the needle properly. And it was literally just user error. And I've just gone, Thank goodness for Rory, because I was about to take it back into the um the sewing shop in town and get it serviced and stuff like that. So my first go-to should always be Rory because she reads the instructions where I don't read the instructions, and like I said to her when we bought the machine, I said, You need to read the instructions because that's a lot of words for me, which is quite ironic because I read in bed every night and I love reading, but those type of things I don't enjoy. Um, and I said to her, You read them and you tell me what I have to do and go from there. So I have been sewing, so that's been a little bit nice. I actually got my guitar out the other night as well, and uh one of my mates I told him, goes, Oh, I didn't realise you played guitar, and I haven't played guitar since probably the last time I was in hospital, which was about 12 months ago, but it was actually really nice, so I um want to set aside a time in the day and just sit there and play the guitar. I'm not any good, I'm self-taught. I taught myself on an app when we were living in Walgut. Um, the app was called four chords, so I think I can play probably about six chords, which far outmeasures the app four chords, so I'm pretty happy with that. Look, I can play enough to strum a few songs and sing along, um, but I think more importantly, it sort of makes me happy, it makes me forget because I'm concentrating on the chords and where my fingers are on the strings and stuff like that. So it's something that I need to get into more opposed to just wallowing in my sorrow and feeling sorry for myself because I know that doesn't help anybody and it certainly does not help me.

Fighting Isolation By Showing Up

SPEAKER_00 15:15

Um school holidays are approaching. We've got, you know, it's Tuesday, we've got this week left of school, and then school holidays, so um it's unlikely that I will record during the school holidays, but I say that, and then most of the time I still record anyway. So I'll um see what happens, play it by ear. You might get an episode and you might not. So yeah, I just need to be very conscious about what I do, and I am making an effort to still still get out of the house and catch up with my mates because I know that is very, very important for me. And um once if it gets to the point where I start start isolating, well, then that's when there is a real problem. So I've got two catch-ups with mates tomorrow, which is exciting. Um, I've got book club on Friday night, and I've got a couple of new girls coming to that, which is nice, and because it's on the 3rd of July, we're having our 4th of July celebration, so everybody's got to bring like an American finger food type thing, um, and which is silly because we didn't actually read an American book, we actually read an Australian biography. Um, so it I I had already picked the book before we had decided it would be a 4th of July party, so um yeah, but that'd be fun. It's always look, don't get me wrong, there are points there where it's like, oh, I just can't be bothered having people over at my house, but I know once everybody leaves, I'm feeling a lot better and happier and content in my soul, so I know it's good for me, and I think for my listeners, you know what is good for you and makes you happy and content in your soul. And as much as you probably don't want to do it at the moment, I think it's important that you push yourself just that little bit so you can get those feelings, and then I think once you start doing it a little bit more often, then you'll start feeling better about yourself as well, and um sort of stop losing that motivation, and hopefully you can build that motivation back up and get some motivation stored in the bank and and work from there. So it's it's a hard journey, it's one that I am having to certainly dig hard to not let myself fall down into that full depressive state because I know that it has the potential to do that, so I need to be very, very cautious about it. Um, so yeah.

You Make A Huge Difference

SPEAKER_00 17:56

Before we get into the thought of the week and wrap things up, I just want to apologize because I've got a bit of a head cold and I reckon I've been sniffing the entire time during this episode. But look, like I said at the beginning of this episode, this my podcast is far from perfect and it's raw, and in my vulnerability, you get my sniffing as well. So I hope everybody understands and can forgive me for that. So this week's thought of the week is once again from the book called The Boy, the Mole, The Fox and the Horse by Charlie Maxie. And I've opened it up to a random page, and it is I'm so small, said the mole. Yes, said the boy, but you make a huge difference. It's just lovely, isn't it? Like this is a kids' illustrated book. Um, and yes, we may be small in this big, big world, but we can make a huge difference in people's lives, and I hope that by you listening to this episode, you realize your own self-importance and move through this week, knowing that in the back of your head, and knowing that you are enough, you are important. PTSD or mental health or physical health for that doesn't define you, and you are enough. Have a good week and be kind to yourself. Thanks for tuning in to Mad Mail's Mike. I'm Melissa Smith and I hope you've enjoyed listening. You can find me on Facebook and Instagram, and don't forget to like and follow. Have a great week and don't forget to be kind to yourself.