More Than Your Weakness

Season 2, Episode 19

I share the real reason I started talking publicly about PTSD and how recording has become a surprising kind of therapy for me. I connect a song lyric to the hardest parts of recovery, then bring it back to everyday life with pain, setbacks, and the small social choices that keep me from isolating. 
• my PTSD turning point at 37 and the end of my police career 
• why telling my story out loud feels cathartic and healing 
• learning from other people during inpatient mental health treatment 
• the message behind “Weakness” and why PTSD does not define us 
• how PTSD can look like weakness when it takes over sleep, relationships and independence 
• the reality of ebbs and flows and counting small wins 
• knee pain, missing sport, and the risk of isolating at home 
• book club as a reminder that showing up can be worth it 
• thought of the week on comparing yourself to others 
You can find me on Facebook and Instagram, and don't forget to like and follow. 

Song of the week:
Weakness by Dan Bremnes
https://youtu.be/aWIko5OwZ-k?si=323pUTzO-Rn03AHF

Thought of the week:
The Boy, The Mole, The Fox and The Horse by Charlie Mackesy
"What do you think is the biggest waster of time? comparing yourself to others, said the mole"

Transcript

Welcome And The Real Backstory

SPEAKER_02 0:00

Hey there, welcome to Mad Male's Mike. Thanks for joining me. My name is Melissa and this is a podcast all about me. About my life. About my life with PTSD. About my life with the husband and kids and friends and everything in between. Thanks for tuning in.

SPEAKER_03 0:16

Hey everybody, and welcome to season two episode 19 of Mad Male's Mike. Thanks for tuning in. Um let's get this episode started, hey. When I was 37, my head broke. I was diagnosed with PTSD not long after I turned 37. My career in the New South Wales Police ended after 18 years, and life just made a massive kick in the guts. And this is what this podcast is about. It's about me talking about how I deal with my PTSD, the ups and downs of it. I'm raw, I'm vulnerable, and kind of with this podcast is what you see is what you get. But I was asked not that long ago why I

When PTSD Changed Everything

SPEAKER_03 1:12

started the podcast, and for the life of me, I couldn't think of it. And it's been oh close to two years, say 20 months or so in the making, and like that that included the talking about it and thinking about it, and am I gonna do it and talking with my husband about it and things like that until the first episode came out in January 2025, and it's just sort of grown legs since then, and I I know that if you go back and listen to particularly last season, my first season, you can see the highs and the lows of it, and things like that. But for me, the reason why I started it is I wanted to be able to tell my story, and I knew that in telling my story that would be very cathartic for me, and something that has really come out of this podcast is how much actual therapy I get from spilling my words out onto this podcast, and that has been so incredibly healing for me as well, but I think importantly, my what I learnt during my times as an inpatient at a mental health hospital is that we don't just learn from our training parties, we learn so much from the other people who are there as well. And I kind of hoped that by sharing this podcast and sharing my story and being vulnerable and being raw and not sugarcoating things, I might be able to reach one person and they might be able to go, shit, it's not just me. These feelings that I'm having are normal, other people are having them as well. And what's been so nice is that I've had people reach out to me and say that I have been able to help them on their journey as well, and just even like the one of the TikToks I did on um the PTSD awareness day that like I it wasn't very long, I think it might have gone for only 30 seconds, but what I said in there is that PTSD doesn't define you, and the people who reached out to me and said thank you, it is just humbling, and I know that this is something that I need to continue doing because it makes me proud that I'm able to help people as well. So that is sort of where I'm at at the moment. Like, don't get me wrong, I was I haven't been well, I have been sleeping, but last night was my own stupid fault because I stayed up and watched um Alex Demonor play in Wimbledon last night, so I didn't get to bed till probably 1.30. So I'm tired, but that's self-inflicted, it's not as a result of my PTSD and insomnia and things like that. It's something that I chose to do. But getting up this morning was like, oh, you know what? I really can't be bothered recording. I'd much prefer to be sitting in on the lounge in front of the TV watching stupid TV shows, but I know that I want to do this so much more than not want to do that, and that I've still got that fire and that passion of still wanting to be able to sit down and record and hopefully reach out to people as well. So I think the point of all of this was to set the scene for those who haven't listened to the original couple of episodes as well, but also show my appreciation to people who have been listening and who are my regulars and listening and always offer feedback so it doesn't go unnoticed. So thank you.

Song Of The Week And Meaning

SPEAKER_03 5:08

I know I've spoken about in the past that I've really struggled on some weeks to pick the song of the week, but I was sitting down with my husband a couple of weeks ago now, and he mentioned this song that is going to be the song of the week, and I things just come into my brain and make make me aware in such the weirdest opportunities, and just like last week's song. It was I was literally watching Toy Story, and that song came on. I went, This is perfect. I can literally see how this song fits with my PTSD and how I can make it relatable to, and it could be the most obscure song ever, but I can still find some way with songs to make it connect and make it relevant to what I'm talking about. So this song is actually a Christian song, and it was um heard on the Christian radio station, and it's called Weakness by Dan Bremness. So you don't have to be Christian to figure out how this works into our life. So have a listen.

SPEAKER_00 6:20

There's a healing yet to come.

SPEAKER_03 6:23

Where are you in your PTSD journey? Has the healing started to come yet? Or are you still treading water at the beginning of your PTSD and mental health road?

SPEAKER_00 6:35

It's been a long time in the fight. It's been a long time in the dark. So much, how much I just don't know how to start.

SPEAKER_03 6:47

Sometimes it can feel that we're in this constant darkness that just goes on forever and ever, and we can't see our way out of it, and you don't know where to start. You are more than your weakness. Give me just a minute. I know that I can beat this. Give me just a minute, I am more than my weakness. And your weakness could be anything. I'm referring this back to PTSD. At the time, I saw PTSD as a weakness. It was awe-consuming, it dictated my life in every single sense of my being. And that came, that was my sleep, it was my relationships, it was my motivation, it was so many things all encompassed that it was dictating so much what at the time I thought I couldn't do with my life. And I was, I couldn't do anything, like I couldn't even go to the shops without one of my kids being there to literally hold my hand. And as a grown-ass woman, as a mother, as a wife, that is so hard to come to terms with. PTSD is a strength, and it's about how we use this road that we're walking on, this journey, this injury to make us stronger. And I can guarantee you that more effort that you put in, and don't get me wrong, effort and motivation is hard, hard work. But the more of this that you put in, the better you will be for it. So, look, I don't I don't have the solution. I know that there have been many, many different tools and many of my trading parties that have been instrumental in getting me to where I am today. And please don't get me wrong, I am not all sunshine and roses and lollipops.

Setbacks The Knee And Isolation

SPEAKER_03 9:26

Um I've been struggling really bad the last month, and that has been as a result of my knee. Things are progressing in the right way in terms of my knee. I am have got referrals to a sports doctor, and I know that as much as it's paining me emotionally now, my knee, I know that I will be able to get back to where I was, and and I know that my head is not in a point as bad as what it was when I first did my ankle. That that was catastrophic, and I worked through that, and I know that this low is nowhere near the lowest of what I have been, but I have gotten myself out of the lowest, so I can see myself getting out of this as well. And like I've said in previous episodes, like your PTS journey is ebbs and flows, it's a it's a roller coaster, it's the snakes and ladders, it's the ups and the downs. But if we can put our ups and downs or get our downs further and further apart, whether that may be to start with, you have an up for I don't know, five minutes, and then you have it down again for say an hour, and then you have it up again for five minutes, and then you have it down again for 40 minutes. You that's a win. Like your ups don't need to be stretching for months and months at a time. Like, that's not realistic, it's it's not life. And if you didn't have this diagnosis, you'd still be going through ups and downs as well. So we need to be kind to ourselves to go, yes, I am struggling at the moment, but this is unfortunately life. We're we're not always dealt four aces, we're dealt shit. And unfortunately, by going through these ups and the downs and through the troughs and through the valleys and the mountains and things like that, it makes us stronger and and it shapes who we are. And I think that's something that we really need to be proud of because I think we become so negative on ourselves that we lose sight of all the positive things as well. So, yeah, keep that in mind. Um, so I've mentioned my knee, I'm still not allowed to play pickleball or basketball, and that really sucks. Like for me, um, not not so much basketball, but more so pickleball. It's it's a social side, it's me being able to get out and see people I wouldn't normally hang out with. Um, and I really miss that, and I really crave that, and I just struggle, and so it's so easy to go, oh well, I'm not doing any of these things, or just stay at home, and then that's when the concern of isolation comes in. So I have been making a conscious effort to do things socially as well. Um, but yeah, like it's it's going to be a journey, and I'm going to be talking about this knee, I dare say, for the next six months, maybe even for life, because I'm going to need a knee replacement at some time. But at 42, I don't think they're real keen on doing that just yet. Um, so please be patient with me because I'm sure people are bloody sick of hearing about my knee, but this is a podcast about my life, and this is where I am at the moment, and my knee is being a pain in the butt. Um, actually, it's being a pain in the knee. That was terrible, Melissa. Um, so I haven't really been doing a hell of a lot. I had book club the other night, and I had two new friends come, and book club's always nice, and it's I I know when my head isn't at its best because book club becomes like a chore, and prior to it, it's like, oh, I really can't be bothered having book club, but then I have it, and then I get that social engagement, I get to be around the girls that I love and talk about things that we like, and don't yes, we talk about the book that we are reading, but we also just catch up, and it's just women, and we're all in various different stages of life, and we bitch about our kids, we bitch about our husbands, and that is so cathartic in on itself. So I just need to remember that when I am feeling like I can't be bothered, that sometimes the means is totally, totally worth it. Um Rory and Clifford are away this week. Clifford turned 16. Like he's the baby of the family, and then Rory goes to me, So you feel old, mum? Uh yeah, I do, bitch, because Mackenzie is nearly 20. Like I'm gone from having toddlers to adults, and it's just insane. And it does make me feel old. And I am feeling old because I'm in pain, my knee hurts, I'm tired because I've watched the bloody tennis all night, and then throw in kids that like I'm about to start teaching my youngest child to start to drive, and that's insane. That's just mind boggling. Um, so yeah, like I've I really haven't done a lot this week. Um, I saw the physio yesterday, so I've got a few exercises to um start doing, which I will do because I have been sedatory for over a month now, so it'll be nice just to do a few little exercises, and it's certainly not a lot, but it's a start. Um, so and I have no doubt it'll make me feel a little bit better as well. Um yeah, it's been an uneventful week, but I yeah.

Thought Of The Week And Goodbye

SPEAKER_03 15:34

So as we do to wrap up the episode for the week, we go to the thought of the week and continuing on with the theme of the season, we're going to a random page of The Boy, the Mole, the Fox, and the Horse by Charlie Maxie. And this one is what do you think is the biggest waste of time comparing yourself to others? said the mole. Isn't that so true? Um, comparison is a thief of all joy. Um, as we move into this week, and the weeks are on the podcast, are funny because I go from Wednesday to Wednesday, but as we go into the week until next episode, I want you to remember that your weakness doesn't define you. Your weakness, whether that's your PTSD, another mental health illness, alcohol, um, whatever it is, it doesn't define you, and you are more than your weakness. Have a very good week, and please be kind to yourself.

SPEAKER_02 16:37

Thanks for tuning in to Mad Male's Mike. I'm Melissa Smith, and I hope you've enjoyed listening. You can find me on Facebook and Instagram, and don't forget to like and follow. Have a great week, and don't forget to be kind to yourself.