Walking The Road After PTSD

Season 2, Episode 21

We talk through what PTSD recovery looks like on an ordinary week, from loneliness and broken dreams to the quiet pride of noticing real progress. We share a trigger test that goes better than expected, plus the small routines, friendships, and boundaries that help us stay steady. 
• asking you to send in burn-in questions for Mel’s upcoming takeover interview 
• linking “Boulevard Of Broken Dreams” to the loneliness and grief of a PTSD diagnosis 
• watching a crash documentary despite it being a trigger and noticing no nightmares or anxiety spike 
• taking a real win seriously as proof of progress after years of work 
• entering a quilt and cushions in a Blue Mountains competition and making a Sydney day trip out of it 
• managing a stubborn knee injury while keeping expectations realistic 
• needing solitude more after diagnosis and feeling the strain of a busy house of teenagers 
• ending on the idea that our freedom lives in how we choose to react 
So send an email to her at askmadmel at gmail.com and she will collate all the questions. 
You can find me on Facebook and Instagram, and don't forget to like and follow. 

Song of the Week:
Boulevard of Broken Dreams - Green Day
https://youtu.be/Soa3gO7tL-c?si=dxvlkOjoV52MCpHj

Thought of the week:
The Boy, The Mole, The Fox and The Horse - Charlie Macksey
"One of our greatest freedoms if how we react to things"

Transcript

Welcome To Mad Mel’s Mic

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Hey there, welcome to Mad Mel's Mic. Thanks for joining me. My name is Melissa and this is a podcast all about me, about my life, about my life with PTSD, about my life with the husband and kids and friends and everything in between. Thanks for tuning in.

SPEAKER_02 0:16

Hey everybody, and welcome to Mad Mel's Mic Season 2 episode 21. Um, thanks for tuning in, thanks for listening. Let's get this episode started. Thanks again everybody for tuning in to another episode of Mad Mel's Mike. It's was actually really fun having Mel on last week, just having a chat, not too much about PTSD or mental health or anything like that. And I ended up getting a message from one of my mates who said he actually really enjoyed the episode and it felt like he was just listening to a radio show on the way home, which was pretty cool.

Send In Your Burn-In Questions

SPEAKER_02 0:56

Um, I'll give a reminder at the end of the episode as well, but don't forget to put in your burn-in questions for me when Mel takes over my episode. So send an email to her at askmadmel at gmail.com and she will collate all the questions. And um once we have the closing date, I can't remember what it was. I think it's maybe the 24th, or it's actually coming up soon. So get them in and um hopefully next week will be the episode of where Mel is interviewing me, and it actually makes me really nervous, which is kind of silly because I'm pretty open and honest most of the time, but I think just not knowing the questions, which is the whole point of it, because when I interview people, they don't know the questions I'm asking them. So um a bit of my own medicine coming straight back at me, but yeah, it'll be fun.

Song Of The Week And Loneliness

SPEAKER_02 1:50

And let's have a listen to this week's song of the week. It is Boulevard of Broken Dreams by Grand Day. So let's have a listen.

SPEAKER_00 1:57

I want the road, the only one that I have ever known.

SPEAKER_02 2:10

So for me, the diagnosis of PTSD was very lonely, and I felt like I was walking that road all alone, and it's lonely, it's lonely as hell, and I know that I tried hard not to isolate, but it's safe, and there's not much else you know what to do or how to do, and I know that in that song line it says it's the only road I've ever known, and yes, in reality, I know that's true, but at the time it felt like it was how my life had been forever. Broken dreams, that's exactly what was going through my head when my diagnosis first hit me, and it not just the reality, just like the whole symptoms of the diagnosis as well, and knowing that my dreams were broken because my career had ended and my life was mind-shatteringly altered, and just coming up with that. So that was the song of the week, um, Boulevard of Broken Dreams by Green Day. So, like usual, I'll pop the um YouTube film clip up on the show notes. So, have a listen. It's a good song, whether or not you want to relate it back to PTSD or anything at all, it's just got a good tune, good lyrics, sing it away.

Watching A Trigger Without Spiralling

SPEAKER_02 3:41

So I know this is gonna shock some people and probably not others, but I've taken a bit of a change of route for my TV shows that I've been watching, and I've been going down rabbit holes of documentaries and like thriller-ish police type, detective type TV shows, which is really really weird. But um, I actually just watched one that Mel had recommended ages ago called The Crash on Netflix, and it's just a documentary that goes for an hour and a half on Netflix where it talks about um this 17-year-old girl that was driving a vehicle when she crashed into a brick wall and killed her boyfriend and her friend in the backseat. And I remember watching, I literally only watched it yesterday, thinking, I'm not sure if this is a very good idea, Melissa. Like, first of all, car accidents are my trigger. And here I am watching quite a very detailed and in-depth documentary about this fatal accident, and um there's videos in there of the crash, you can hear it, um, you can see the video footage of the police body worn um cameras, and I'm just thinking, Melissa, you need to stop watching this. Like, this could potentially sort of be the start of an unravel for you, but I couldn't stop watching it, and it's like that saying, it's like a bad bad um car crash that you can't turn away from, and you sort of become a rubber necker. But I'm watching it away going, you know what, this is going to be a very good test to see how I go moving on. I watched it all, um, a bit disappointed with um what she got as a result of it. But look, I would recommend watching it. Um, it's one of those things where I think it would divide people that it wasn't any intent there, but for me, I can't see how there wasn't any intent with the evidence that was presented. But for me and why I wanted to bring it up for you, you're probably listening going, what the hell is she bringing this up for? This doesn't make any sense, but I didn't have any nightmares from it. So for me, that was a huge win. And I remember thinking yesterday, um, when I finished watching it, like if I get through this and it hasn't had an adverse effect on me, I can actually see how far I have come. Like five years ago, there's no way in the world I would even contemplate watching that type of documentary or even those type of shows that I've been watching lately, but I watched it, I didn't get any pressure in my chest for anxiety, which was amazing, and I slept soundly all through the night. And for me, that's huge. Like I'm going to take that as a massive win and be proud of myself as to the effort that I've put in over the last five and a half years, nearly now, and go, you have come a long way, and I am very proud of what I have done to get to where I am now. So, yeah, I have sort of changed my genre a little bit of television watching, and don't get me wrong, I still like to watch the trash. I just finished watching Farmer, What's the Wife? I was very disappointed actually with that. I didn't particularly love actually wait, I think I got an episode to watch today. Oh, I'll do that after I caught. That's exciting. I don't know why I only just thought of it. I think I had it was Sunday night and it's now Tuesday, so I'm a bit behind. Anyway, um I segue a lot. I still enjoy watching Below Deck, but I've watched all of them and it really annoys me that um you have they release one episode at a time. Like I like to binge watch seasons upon seasons, so um, but yeah, it's um funny, very funny. Anyway, what have I been up to the last week? Um, because we really didn't talk about that a lot with Mel here. We actually didn't really touch on my knee or anything like that, which was nice. It was nice to have a bit of a break. I'm not sure if my listeners appreciated the little break from just listening to me, but I enjoyed it. Look, I enjoy spending mum time with Mel. She makes me giggle and mum, I made mum listen to the episode because she doesn't listen to many. I think she's listened to the first three of season one, and here we are, episode 21 in season two, and which is fine, I don't hold any grudges against them. Still none of my family, particularly listen to any of my episodes. The only person who listens to every single episode of my family is my sister Emma, and I probably should give her a shout out again because she listens to every episode before I release it, just to make sure I don't make myself look and sound like a dickhead, which I'm sure I probably do, but um I think that's the appeal of the podcast.

Quilts, Art And A Big Day Trip

SPEAKER_02 8:58

Um I got a phone call from one of the nurses in hospital oh a week ago or so now, and I had entered a artwork that I did. Um I actually did it at home after my last inpatient stay, which has been nearly 12 months. Well, 12 months ago today, I was in hospital and I haven't been back, which is amazing, and I am really proud of that because I've been able to deal with everything that's happened, particularly this year. It's been a whirlwind of a year, and then so on top of that, a physical injury, and we all know how that can go um ridiculously pear-shaped for me. That I've been able to keep my head above water. So, like I've said in other episodes, I'm not adverse to having to go back to hospital, but at the moment I'm being able to um maintain this level of mental health in a way that is still allowing me to stay at home, which is really good. Um, anyway, so I got a phone call from this nurse um asking if I had any more paintings or anything like that that I can enter into this competition in the Blue Mountains called Blue Fringe, which I had done last year, and I said to her, Look, I haven't actually done any painting since then, and I've thought about it. Mel suggested it, but I just haven't done it. Anyway, we got chatting and she's a lovely, lovely nurse, and I just got talking about my sewing and my quilting and stuff like that, and then we ended the conversation, and then I said to my husband, and was telling him about it, and he suggested, Well, can you put in your quilt? And I went, Oh, actually, I don't know. So I found out from her and I could so but they needed it by Saturday. And I'm thinking, I don't know, like I'm three hours from the hospital, I don't know how logistic logistically I'm gonna be able to get it down there. And then I'll get a phone call from Mel saying, Oh, or a message or whatever it was, she goes, Oh, do you just want to go down to the motorbike shop? I just want to have a look at this motorbike. I went, Yeah, of course. So we like to that's what our life mostly is. We just run errands together and spend time, and which is nice, it's not all about um big concerts and big exciting events together, it's about living our daily mundane life together and sharing that experience, and I think that's so important in a friendship as well. Anyway, so we head down to this motorbike shop in town where I bought my big motorbike from as well, and she puts this leg over this motorbike, and um, for those who don't know Mel, which is probably most of you actually, she used to race motocross back when she was younger, and so she likes the whole style of a dirt bike type thing, but she knows that um the type of riding we want to do, she wants to be comfortable also on the road. So trying to be able to find something that is light enough for her to sort of flip around and stuff like that. Anyway, this is turning into a really long story when it doesn't need to be a long story. Um, the dude at the motorbike shop suggested this one type of motorbike that sort of might fit most of it, like there is going to be some type of compromise that she's gonna have to do. Anyway, she's done some research and she goes, Look, the only place that has got a bike that I can look at, it's the one that he suggested is down in Penrith. And I said, Well, why don't we do a day trip down to Penrith and then I can go see my husband's grandma who's not well. Oh, she's she's she's not not well, but she's 96, so she's getting on in life. Um, and then we can drive over to Richmond and drop off the quilt and the matching cushions. Anyway, so we do this day trip to Sydney, and so we did that on Saturday, and it was a big day. Um, saw my grandmother-in-law, saw my mother-in-law, got to catch up with them, caught up with a couple of mates who I met in hospital as well, which was really nice. Headed over to Richmond, and it was actually very fortunate that we got there when we did because the people from the actual competition were there, so they took photos of uh the quilt and the pillows, and then I had to fill out the form registering it. Um, but Mel and I had a great, great time in the car just chatting away and spending time together. So we did that on Saturday, Friday night.

Knee Update And Needing Quiet

SPEAKER_02 13:36

Um, Mel and I went to pickleball. Um, and I've actually been doing a fair bit of sewing for my mum. She's got a fundraiser called Every Daughter Matters. I think it's DV related. Anyway, they're having a market stall through her church, and she's asked me if I could make a few hanging hand towers and microwave cozies for so when you put your bowl in the microwave, you can put it in this sort of cozy thing. So when you grab out the bowl, it doesn't burn your fingers as we all do. Um, so I've been doing a bit of sewing for that, still haven't been exercising. I did go to basketball last night and watched Cliff and the girls play, and there was a few sort of times I got up and sort of shot the ball and half ran after it, and then like last night I could feel my knee, and like I probably only did 30 seconds, if that, of anything on my knee, but um yeah, it's still there talking to me, which is a pain in the ass, but I'm being able to manage it. Got an appointment with the sports doctor at the end of August, so hopefully, I'll have a bit more of an idea what's going on with that. But yeah, look, I haven't really been up to a lot. Um it's winter in orange, and it has been a very, very mild winter. Um, mind you, I'm still freezing constantly, but it has been very, very mild. But yeah, I haven't really been up to uh a lot. I've just been spending time with the family, school's back today. Um, and as much as I love my kids, it's nice to have my house empty. It's amazing how much I have become reliant on my solitude and pre-injury. I never really needed that, and I think now that after my diagnosis, it's something that I've really become dependent on, and having them home constantly can be quite draining, and it's a house full of teenagers, although Mackenzie's about to turn 20, which is scary. Um, but you just think like they're teenagers, you can do some stuff, like put your shit in the dishwasher or put your car keys away, like it's not hard. But if they don't do it, then I have to do it, then I crack the shits, and it's just like this spiral. It's like just tidy up after yourself. I'm not asking too much at all.

Thought Of The Week And Wrap-Up

SPEAKER_02 16:06

So, as I do every week, we're going to finish with a thought of the week, and I just want to apologize for last week's thought of the week. The whole old moles thing really threw Mel for a spin. But gee, we giggled. Even when I put it up on Facebook, she was still messaging me, still pissing herself laughing. But um, going to the book that I've been using for this season, which is The Bo The Boy and the Mole, The Fox and the Horse by Charlie Maxie. I'm opening up to a random page, and it is one of our greatest freedoms is how we react to things, and that's so true. And I think we can use that in everyday life, whether we have mental health illnesses or not, it's how we react and what we can control, and we can't control what other people are saying or doing and things like that, but it's how we react to it that's important. Thanks so much for listening. Have a very good week and be kind to yourself.

SPEAKER_01 17:02

Thanks for tuning in to Mad Mail's Mike. I'm Melissa Smith, and I hope you've enjoyed listening. You can find me on Facebook and Instagram, and don't forget to like and follow. Have a great week, and don't forget to be kind to yourself.