29: You Are the Mirror: When You Change, Everything Changes

From Gaslit to Grounded: How Your Identity Shapes Every Relationship

In this episode I reflect back on a situation where I was lied to and gaslit. I remember the feelings, the thoughts, the actions and the overall mindset I had back then and how my energy was being reflected back to me.

I compare this experience with an outing a had a few weeks ago and recall the feelings, thoughts, actions and the overall mindset I have right now and how the world mirrors this back to me.

This is an honest deep dive with the intention to make you understand how POWERFUL us humans are. The identity we hold is always mirrored back to us, therefore if we shift our mindset we can control how people interact with us and the dynamics we are in. 

We are so much more than what we’ve been told, come with me on this journey of self exploration and remember how powerful you are!

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hi everyone, and welcome back to Intuitive Diaries with me, Emily Marie. And we are in January at the moment, and I am in super reflection mode. So I thought it would be a good idea to really reflect back on a memory, a situation that happened to me that I don't even know it. Years and years and years ago. When I was in my emotionally abusive relationship, and reflect on the thoughts and the feelings, the mindset that I was in back then, and the actions that I took back then about. And I would uh I want to compare it to literally a few weeks ago. So the mindset, the thoughts, the belief systems that I have now, and take a look at the reality that was being reflected back to me. So this is a concept that I spoke about um not last episode but the episode before that, so two episodes back, where I was saying that the biggest lesson that I had last year was really processing and integrating that your inner world reflects your outer world, and that everything is just a mirror that is reflecting like a combination of your mindset, your belief systems, the identity that you hold, the belief systems that you think about the world, your actions, your feelings, your emotions. I really had a huge awakening the last year, and even though I've heard this concept so many times, I've heard it repeated and repeated and repeated. Last year was the year that I really processed and integrated it, and I reflected back and realized that the dynamics that I was in previously, which were toxic, emotionally abusive, gaslighting, humiliating, constantly criticizing, they were only a reflection of how I felt inside and the internal dialogue and the feelings that I was having about myself. Now, I with this concept that your inner world reflects your outer world, for some reason I always thought of about of like karma, and karma isn't even a real thing. I will pick up on that on another episode. But I always thought that what you did reflected back into the world and it would come back to you. So if you were a good person, good things would come back to you. And that's actually not that true, guys. It's not that true. Obviously, I want to pull out good values out there, like you know, please do good in the world, obviously. But I'm sure we we all know someone that like it's a bit of a shit bag, and uh they might have a fucking great life, they might have a great life because what I actually found out last year, I integrated, I processed, is that it's also about the way that you treat yourself. So in the past, I've always aspired and have been the best person to other people. I feel like I was the best girlfriend, the best daughter, the best sister, the best friend, the best person, and always putting other people first. And that was never reflected back to me. Because even though I was giving so much to other people, I was being very self-critical to myself in my own head. So it didn't matter if I was the best person to other people, I was still in toxic dynamics because I was being toxic to myself. I was telling myself every day, you've done this wrong, you've done that wrong, you're stupid, you're you're like, oh, you've been late again, oh you've done this again, blah blah blah, blah blah blah. I was doing that to myself, guys. This was a neural pathway that was just constantly on a loop, and I had no idea that I was being this way to myself. I had no conscious idea that I didn't even have a conscious idea about self-development back then, let alone internal dialogue. I had no idea, no self-awareness of the thoughts and the feelings and the belief systems that I had back then to myself, not about other people, about myself and the identity that I had created in my own head. This was all subconscious work, all on a loop that was being repeated every single day, and every single day I thought and hoped and wished for something better in my life. I wished that people treated me differently, that people saw me differently, and that only happened when I shifted inside and I saw my own self-worth and my own self-value. Again, this is all unconscious work. So, what I thought that I would do, which would be really great, is we all as humans we all learn from stories. So I'm gonna put myself out there again and talk about a story, an experience that I had when I was in my really emotionally abusive relationship. And I'm not just gonna talk about the things that were happening to me, I'm also going to reflect back about the mindset that I had back then, the feelings, the emotions, the actions that I took, and the identity that I had about myself and about the world around me. And then I'm going to compare it to a situation that happened a few weeks ago and the mindset, the feelings, the you know, the emotions, the identity that I have created for myself in this present day. And the intention is to really for people to see the difference and for people to realize that it's us, like we are so powerful human beings, and we can control how people treat us and the situations, the circumstances, the opportunities, like literally our whole reality through our internal world. And guys, we all have different parts of ourselves, so like the human part of me is like, no, don't put your shit out there. Like, there's literally a part of me that is screaming, going, Don't tell them the truth, don't tell them about all the shit that you've been through. And my higher self is like, tell them everything. This was all planned so you could tell them everything. So I am really going to put myself out there and literally talk about a shit situation where I was gaslit and that I felt so shit inside, but then I want people to realize that it was my mindset that was being reflected back to me. So again, the intention is for people to realize that they have the power to change the circumstances. So whatever you're facing at the moment, and it might not be a relationship, it could be a career dynamic, it could be work colleagues, it could be friendships, it could be your whole life. This applies to your whole life because your reality is actually created by your brain. We don't even see through our eyes, guys, we see through our brain. Everything is constructed in the brain, which means that are the thoughts, the feelings, literally the belief systems that you have about yourself and about the world around you, construct your reality, and I'm going to prove it to you. So let's get a little, let's go back in time. Let's go back in time. Um, and for this situation to make sense, I'm going to give you a little bit of a backstory. So we're going back in time, and I am with my ex-boyfriend who was very emotionally abusive, toxic gaslighting, like uh all the buzzwords, all the buzzwords, guys. Yeah, you know, get them all, get them all. Um ha ha ha. The human self is like, oh, it was awful, but my high self was like, it was perfect. So let's go back in time, and I'm in my emotionally abusive relationship, and it's funny because it was always, always, it was also a January where this happened. But just to give you a little bit of a backstory, my best friend at that time. Now I have talked about my other best friend. So I was in a dynamic um where I have like two best friends at the same time. One of them slept with my ex, the guy that I was with at the time. Oh, the poor thing would probably just sleep with anyone. Ah, but um, and then then there was this other girl who is we still talk now, and she's absolutely lovely and beautiful, so it's not the person that I have been speaking about previously, but another beautiful soul. We are all beautiful souls, guys. We are all beautiful souls, and I have actually spoken about why. Well, I hope that I've spoken about why the whole cheating thing happened to me. You can find that on previous episodes again. This was a like it was constructed in my mindset first, and it was being reflected back on to me so I could show where I am out of balance with myself, so I could go back into balance to up-level my life. So all the shit that happens to you, the struggles, the obstacles in your life are literally gifts for you to go back into balance, so you can shift your internal world to upgrade your outer reality. And if you would have said this to me a few years ago, I would have been like, roll eye, oh my god, like someone get the straight jacket, we've got another crazy person. Like, I was not into this kind of woo-woo stuff at all, which is why I'm very fascinated about neuroscience, because I love looking at the neuroscience and seeing it match up with the spirituality and being like, holy shit, this fucking matches up. So, anyway, if you just had the trigger that was like, mmm, this girl is like saying some weird stuff, I'll get you because I was that person years and years ago. But triggers are there for you. It's literally a message and a gift from your nervous system, from your subconscious, from your body, from your higher self, whatever you want to resonate with. That's like you need to look at this, you need to look at this, and it will up level your life if you go deeper and unravel what the trigger is trying to tell you. So if you're being triggered right now, it means carry on watching or listening, anyways. So let's go and do a little backstory. So my best friend at the time, she was with my ex's brother. So let's just say for context, so we don't get confused because it is pretty confusing. Um, I'm going to call my ex uh the boyfriend that I had at the time Tom. So let's say Tom. Um so Tom's brother, he was with and going out with my best friend, which was obviously like a lovely situation. We would always go out together, like how lovely. Um, and it was always nice to connect and see each other. A situation happened where Tom's brother unfortunately cheated on my best friend at the time, and you know, no judgments, everything happens for a reason, and everybody has different life paths, and in hindsight, they both weren't compatible with each other for the future, anyways. They both have amazing partners which are more suited for them, anyways, and now, but for context, this is the the story that I want to tell you guys because then you'll be like, Ah, okay, I get what she's trying to say here. So, Tom has got a brother who is with my best friend, and he has unfortunately cheated on her and basically got with another woman. Obviously, with every story, there's lots of different perspectives, loads of like different little sidelines and different opinions, different perspectives, perceptions, but I'm not gonna go into that. I just want to for the context of the story that Tom had a brother, well, has got a brother, and he has cheated on my best friend, which is obviously um shattering for the family and for the friendship dynamic, because now I'm like, Well, what the hell? Who am who am I meant to go out with? Like, what the hell is going on? And also very confusing about what's going to happen in the future. Are we all gonna stay friends? Which we did, but like a lot of confusion going on, anyway. So uh Tom's brother now has a new girlfriend, which is not integrated properly in with the family at that moment in time. I have never met her, obviously. Like I am, you know, a good friend. I stick up for my best friend, I don't want to meet this woman. I respect everybody's decisions and what everybody has done. At the end of the day, it's got nothing to do with me, but I don't want to see this woman or be a part of you know their lives. I just felt like everything happened very quickly for me, and I didn't want to be I didn't want to feel like a bad best friend and go and just be best friends with another woman just because my ex's boyfriend had chosen someone else, if you see what I mean. I still had like this huge connection with my best friend, and we still do have a connection to this day, she's lovely. Um, so yeah, just for that backstory. So Tom's brother. It's hard for me to say it without saying the real name, but yeah, Tom's brother is with another person who I have never met before, and I'm feeling very confused about the whole situation, about how I should behave as the best friend, and I also want to be the bigger person in this picture as well. I just want to do what the right thing is, and I don't really know what the right thing is at that moment in time. Everything is very new, everything is very fresh, which means everything is still being in an emotionally heightened state because it is so new and so fresh to me. Maybe other people it wasn't so new and so fresh because it might have been going on for longer than I had perceived, but at that moment in time it was a very new thing for me. So, anyway, I get back from work and me and Tom live together. I get back from work and I walk in from work, and the lights on the house are all off, and everything in the house is feeling very cold, and I'm like, hmm, as if you know no one's been in the house for a long time. And this is a January, so it's after Christmas, where you just want to get back home after work and you just want to snuggle up, you want the heating on, you want maybe want a glass of wine watching the TV, you don't want to go out. Well, I didn't want to anyway. I want to order pizza, I want to get comfy and chill, and I want to cocoon, I want to hibernate. It is January, and if you are in touch with the planet and with your body, then that is the stata and the energy of the month, anyway. You know, you want to just hibernate, get your little Udi on, get a like a nice little blanket on and snuggle. So I come home, the house is absolutely empty, and I'm like, Okay, what is going on? So I ring my boyfriend at the time, Tom, and I'm like, what's going on? Where are you? And he was like, Oh, I'm at the pub. Would you like to come and have a drink? So even me saying this now, saying it out loud, is just hilarious because he wouldn't really ever, even though we were together for 11 years, he wouldn't really invite me out for a drink. And I know that that sounds so funny. It sounds so crazy, but it was just a reality that I found myself in, and my nervous system just your your nervous system basically accepts the reality that you are in at the moment and says that you are safe. So that for me was a norm that he would just be out and about, and not with me. He was out, he was doing whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted. So he was in the pub and he invited me for a drink, and I'm like, oh well, you know, thanks. And my mindset is like I'm just always in a state of fight or flight, I'm always in a state of fawn. If you don't know what fawn means, it means basically um people pleasing, so always making sure that everybody is okay around you, not feeling your own feelings, not even knowing what your own emotional state is. And I just feel for like the majority of my life, I was just always in a fawn state. If you if that like pings or resonates with you, go and Google it afterwards, it's very fascinating and it's also empowering to know the different nervous states that your body can slip into. And I was always in a fight or flight or fawn situation, however, consciously, I had no idea, I just knew that to be true, like that was just my normal reality, guys. I had no idea that the norm was not normal, that there was another way to live in peace. I had no idea. So, anyway, I'm like, um, straight away, I'm like, I don't really want to, but my mindset back then is to people please. And if somebody invites me out, then I do it because I am a good girlfriend, I am a good friend, I am a good family member. If somebody basically told me to do something, I would probably do it. And again, the human part of Me is like, don't tell them that you sound stupid, but I want this to help someone out there. And I was very well, we all are programmed from and by the world around us, and the world around me from my childhood all the way up to my late 20s, um, until I had all my spiritual awakenings, aha moments, and basically broke free from the mindset that I was kept in, and the mindset that I chose, because this is a choice I chose to have. Okay, so my dog decided to have a little bit of a bark-off, so I lost my concentration, but I think I was talking about my mindset and choosing because we don't realise that we actually do have a choice, so I did not, I was not consciously aware that I was choosing the state and the mindset that I was in back then, but I was very much in a foreign fight or flight state of mind, and I was also not, I had no idea about listening to your body and your emotions and even the notion of checking in with yourself, asking, How do you feel today, Emily? Hello, body, how do you feel today? I'm just gonna check in and see how my nervous system is doing today. I didn't even know what a nervous system was, I did not even know what one was, let alone to check in with myself and with it. So the concept of self-development and all the tools that I know now, I was not consciously aware of it. So get this phone. Well, I phoned him. I don't think he would have ever phoned me unless he wanted some money. Um, yeah. So I'm feeling like I want to stay home and I go against my own feelings. I do not put myself first, I do something that I don't want to do because I want to basically please somebody else. That's the mindset that I was in. So I'm like, I don't want to do it, but okay, I'll do it. And he's like, just come up, just come up and have one drink with me, and then we'll go home and do whatever you want to do. He would always tell me things that he knew I wanted to hear, and the solution, whatever I wanted to do, would never materialized. And even after 11 years, even if like he's he said something, I would always trust him, and I would always hope and believe that his words would turn into actions, and after 11 years, they still never did. So it's a cold winter's night, I'm on the phone, I just want to stay at home, and I am going against my own feelings and my own thoughts, and the identity that I have created in myself is that I am like this amazing person, but to other people and never to myself. So I am like the best girlfriend because when he wants something, I come running, but I am not that cheerleader and I am not the supportive person that I am to myself. So he's like, just come, just come up to the pub. You can drive if you want, we'll have one, and then we'll come home. Um, I'm like, okay, that sounds like a good compromise. Again, going against my gut feelings and just going against ultimately what I want to do. So I get in the car and I drive to the pub, which is literally like I could have walked there. It was about like five, it's about five-minute drive from the place that we were living in at that moment in time. And this pub, guys, if you're from England, everybody has one of these pubs, your local shitholes. It's your local shithole that like it's just absolutely hilarious. If you like, if you are from England, and I'm saying this because I've looked at the stats on the podcast, and I've got like literally listeners all over the world. Thank you, thank you, thank you. So, so nice. If you're not from the UK, just go and Google like shitty, poverty stricken English pub, it will like be like, whoa, it's eye-opening, guys. But if you're from England, then you know one, everybody knows one. So it's just one of those dives, unfortunately. And you go in, and it's just your typical English pub, and very old-fashioned, and there's two different areas, you know, there's like the lounge area and the bar area, and um, when you walk in, it's like just super open plan, and there's just one pool table right in the middle. And if you walk in straight away, if you're going from the front, then people at the pool table can see you straight away, and you see the pool table straight away, and everything else is just all open plan, and it's all seats and tables all around the side, so there's no tables in the middle, and the first thing that you see is the pool table. So I walk in, and by the way, I've asked my boyfriend at the time, I've asked Tom, like who's there? Like, you know, why are we even doing this? And he's like, Oh, it's just me, it's literally just me in the pub. I'm bored, it's a January, there's no one here. I knew there would be no one there, it's January. Like, why are we even going out in a January? You know, like let's save money. My logical brain, analytical brain's like, blah blah blah blah blah. So he's like, just come and have one, just come and have one. There's no one here, we'll have one and go home. So I'm like, okay, okay. And then um, on the way in, because I don't, I'm not the normal person to walk into a place on my own. Um, and that's just a confidence issue, just like a confidence issue that I had back then. Now I would just walk straight into wherever on my own. But I called him outside and I was like, you know, are you still in there? Because this is the type of thing that would happen to me all the time with Tom. So he would always tell me wrong things, basically, what I know now to be gaslighting. So it would always be the wrong time, the wrong location, the wrong itinerary. So I would be wearing the wrong things. It would be always like of the wrong people there. So, for example, it's happened to me on previous loads and loads of occasions where he said that there was like you know, loads of girlfriends there, come up and have a good time. So I would go and meet him, and there would just be like just like loads of guys, and then not one female there. And I'm like, oh my god, I look like an absolute psychopath in hindsight. This is what he wanted me to look like. He would do this on purpose. He loves the like mind games, so it would always be mind games with him. Um, and yeah, this was a constant theme. I would turn up to places where in the wrong thing, you know, I would turn up to meals thinking it was going to be a meal when we were actually going out of Birmingham, and like I'm just like in jeans and trying to, like, uh, and I would never say anything because I was always embarrassed, and I also I always knew if I spoke up, I would get conflict, and with him, he didn't mind giving me conflict, basically shouting at me in front of other people, and I found that very uncomfortable. Also, I had a very big belief that being seen and being heard was not safe for me, so which I have spoken about in previous episodes. So I was just very much like just in my head, I was going with the flow. That was my ego trying to keep me safe, saying you're a positive person, you're just going with the flow. But basically, I was just being ghastly and being like emotionally abused every day for 11 years. I'm very emotionally neutral about it now, and I can see it from a bigger perspective, which is why I'm smiling and laughing. But if you were in this situation right now, or if you have been in that situation very recently, it is not a laughing matter. I completely get that, and hopefully, this story will help you feel empowerment to know that you can shift inside. You have the control, you have the power to change circumstances and the way that people act and the way that people are around you. So I call him from the outside of the pub, and he's like, Oh, yeah, my brother's just turned up. And I'm like, Okay, cool. I've spoken to him before on previous occasions about the whole cheating thing, and I've said to him, like, listen, I don't want conflict in the family, like, everything's okay between me and you, like, like my best friend was okay with me saying that as well. Obviously, it's a very confusing and emotional time for the family, but I don't want to be that person that alienates someone, so it's it's not that I agreed with it, but I just wanted to be supportive. In my mind, I wanted to be supportive to everybody in the situation, and I didn't want to break up a family dynamic, so I was like, okay, great. Well, you know, we'll go in. Well, me, I'll go in and see him have a drink with them too, and then parked outside, we'll go home. Obviously, did that happen? No, no, no, no, no, but the feelings that I have at this moment in time is thorn. Is my nervous system is so shook and I have no idea that this is happening. Also, I always tell myself that I am getting things wrong, I'm always thinking that this is wrong, that is wrong. And after after I came out from this dynamic, I always thought that it was my ex Tom that planted these thoughts in me, that because he was always telling me that I was doing something wrong, I carried this pattern on in a loop. However, the most interesting and the most amazing thing that I realized and found out is that I had that mindset beforehand. I had that mindset anyway, before I even met him. So he was mirroring what I was feeling and telling myself internally. So back to the story. I walk in. I don't want to be there, guys. I don't want to be there. I have like minimal makeup on because I just don't really want to be seen. I don't want to. Again, I'm not the kind of person that voices like opinions really loudly. I'm very much like just a people pleaser. I'm a big, big people pleaser. I walk in, and we're in that open plan gingy pub, and I look straight to the pool table, and the people at the pool table look straight back at me, and it is Tom, his brother, and his new girlfriend. And I'm like, Are you fucking kidding me? What a setup! What a setup! Like, what the actual hell? And my nervous system is like, bro, my fight of flight goes like straight up, and I'm like, what the actual hell? I do not know what to do in this situation. I feel so set up, I feel so like thrown into a situation that I'm completely out of my depths because in my heart I want to be a great best friend. And I feel like if I had knew about this situation previously, I would have had the time and the chance to call her up and say, listen, this situation is presenting itself. What do you want me to do? I'm supportive to you. How do you want me to play this out? Like that would have been what I wanted to do. I thought that like she had just turned up, but actually, this had been planned like for for days, maybe even weeks. And my boyfriend at the time, Tom, did it on purpose. He basically did it on purpose, and he would do things like that all the time. To I don't even know why. I don't even know why. Um, I think just to play mind games because he loves mind games, and to see how I would react to these situations and when like he would be controlling, you know, all the players in the room, because he basically what I knew afterwards is that he told his brother that I knew about like this. So he told his brother, oh, you know, let's set up like a little double date. You bring your new girlfriend, and I'll bring Em. She's fine with it, and we'll, you know, go to the pub, we'll play some pool, we'll have like a couple of drinks, we'll have a nice time. But he told me that he was in the pub on his own and just to come up for one drink and drive. These were the situations that happened to me daily for 11 years until basically I thought that I was going crazy. Guys, I thought I was going crazy so much. I actually Googled mental homes. Like, I I fucking I Googled that shit. I Googled that shit. That's how I felt inside. I literally Googled it, and to know what the criteria was. I don't know, I don't even know why I'm laughing. But it was like googling it to be like, okay, I know I fit the criteria, but what happens here? Like, do you have to be admitted, or can you just walk in and be like, take me because I am about to walk in? Like, I felt fucking mental. Because the world around me had always told me that the person that tells you that they love you again and again and again every day. I love you, I love you, I love you. You know, you are this to me, you are amazing, you are that to me. They would never do the things that he did every single day. And I trusted this person. Also, if you like neuroscience like me, there's a piece of your brain called the reticular activating system that filters out all pieces of your reality, so he only gives you the fraction of reality to sync up and give evidence that your current belief systems are true. So I would see my reality through a different lens than what other people were seeing was actually happening to me. So other people were seeing how emotionally abusive he was, how gaslighting, how controlling he was. But I did not see that um, I did not see that dynamic at all because the reticular activating system in my brain was filtering out those pieces of reality, and it was only feeding back the pieces of reality to um keep me safe and to give me evidence that my current belief system was true, and my current belief system at that time was that the boyfriend that I had at that time, Tom, was a nice person, actually, he was amazing, and he was a great boyfriend to me. I know that that sounds crazy from this point in time, from perspective, from hindsight, I get it, but that's how I felt. That is how I felt. So I'm like, oh my god, what the hell do I do? I'm so shook that I just walk straight past them and go straight to the bar and order myself a drink, and I'm like shaking, I don't know what to do. And they're probably thinking, This rude bitch, like she said that she was going to come and have a double date with me, and she's just completely, I completely blanked them, and I went straight, I walked straight past them, and from their perspective, they're probably thinking, How rude, and from my perspective, I'm like, what do I do in this situation? I am an amazing person, I'm amazing. I I don't want to talk to this woman, not because that I don't like, I don't even know who she is, but I want to stay friends with my best friend because I respect her and I support her. I don't want to lose something that I have built up over years and years. Like I actually do have a real connection with this person, and I don't want to do something that is perceived as I've done something wrong because I really had something kind of loop. My neural pathways were always looping, as in you've done this wrong, you've done that wrong, and that was really being mirrored back to me in my reality because my boyfriend at that time, Tom, Tom's not his real name, he would always tell me that I was doing something wrong, and that he was always so critical of every single little thing that I was doing, every single thing. But that was because I was being self-critical of myself. So I walked straight past them, and I'm like, I've ordered a drink and I don't know what to do. I'm like a fucking robot. I'm like, oh my god. He um Tom comes over to me and he's like, You fucking rude bitch, like what are you doing? Go and speak to her, go and be nice to her, go and be friends with her. And I'm like, Oh, I don't know what to do. If I had a second to talk to my best friend at that time and be like, what you know, what is the best situation and the best way to go here? Please tell me, then she would have actually told me to just go with it and like you know, be like nice to her, which I would have been hadn't I not been put in that situation where it was just thrown at me on purpose, and my gut feeling also that I am suppressing at that time is that the person that I thought loved me did a horrible thing to me on purpose, just to see, you know, how how I would react basically. I mean, that's pretty fucked up. That's pretty fucked up, but yeah, so I am so shook up. My nervous system is so irregulated, and when your nervous system is irregulated, it's basically impossible for you to make good decisions. Google it, guys, it's a fact. So when your nervous system is so dysregulated, uh you you basically um you your brain it shuts off the capacity for your brain to make clear, capable decisions, but when you are emotionally neutral, when you're grown. You are making decisions from a rooted place, which usually just match up with your intuition and usually are the best decisions and choices for you. So I have no idea what's going on. I am so like, oh my god, what is going on? And I remember him shouting at me and just like, I just I don't know what's going on. Them two, so his brother and his new girlfriend are basically just like looking at me, going, What the hell? They are feeling uncomfortable. I'm feeling uncomfortable. And I even remember like going out the back and just being like, What do I do here? I don't get a second to think about what the right decision is. So this would happen a lot as well. I would always be met with a lot of conflict and shouting, which again would dysregulate my nervous system. So I wouldn't have a second to think about what the right situation is to do. So I went out the back, and my boyfriend at the time followed me shouting, and I literally couldn't get a breath in, I couldn't take a breather, a moment of clarity to work out what is the best situation, the right thing for me to do here. Again, this was literally just a setup for me to look crazy and um for him to feel like he's in control and for him to feel like I don't know, like he's a good person. I don't even, I don't even know. I can't put myself in that kind of mindset. Um and he would use these situations against me. So for the next few days, he could just do whatever he wanted. He went out, he literally just didn't speak to me, he would make me pay loads of money towards this, towards that, for me to quote unquote say sorry. Um he would basically set me up in these kind of situations. I don't know why I'm laughing, for then use it as like what is the word? I can't remember what the word is, but like basically use it against me so he can do whatever he wanted in the week, and this would happen unfortunately, very, very frequently. My nervous system accepted it as my reality. Anyways, is there anything else I really really want to say about this situation before I talk about the situation that happened to me a few weeks ago so we can compare and we can contrast, guys? So I think the key takeaways here are how I feel about myself. So I always I'm putting other people first, I'm people pleasing, I have a mindset that I have to do right by everyone else without checking in on myself. Um, I have an identity that I have to please everyone around me, and that I am only safe when everybody else around me is happy. I am in the mindset that I will do things that don't feel right just again to please other people, and these are the kind of things that show to the universe, they are actions that you are putting out which show low self-worth and low self-value, and if you have low self-value to yourself, then people won't value you, and that's exactly what was happening to me in my reality back then. If you want to hear the huge mindset shift that I had when I left this dynamic, it is in my uh past episodes. I think it's one of the very start, but basically, I just had like this huge feeling after years and years of this kind of stuff. I just had a huge shift and a huge realization that I am more than this, that I am not the one going crazy, that I am such an amazing, amazing, special human, and I deserve more, and that I basically like I need to get out of this situation, and I need to get out of it fast. This was like the download and the mindset shift that I had. This came maybe about six months after the situation that I just told you about. Um, but just to compare and contrast about a situation that happened about three weeks ago. So, for people who don't know me, I am engaged to the most amazing, amazing man. He's called James, and I want to talk about my mindset that I have now. So, about three weeks ago, um, we went out with some friends, and James was like, first of all, he was like, Would you like to go out with a few friends? We're meeting up on a Saturday, and he would tell me the exact time, exactly who is going and where we are going. The itinerary, the itinerary always matches up with what he says. Oh man, how how things change, eh? That's because I changed inside, but yes, so we went out, and I say that I'm not really feeling up to drinking, so I am going to drive, and he's like, Yeah, that's cool, no worries. We go together, we drive together, and I know exactly what's going on. We're going to pick somebody else up, and then we're going to go and drive here. I when I'm getting ready, I'm like feeling myself. I'm like, you know, looking in the mirror, I'm putting my makeup on. I'm like, man, Emily, you look good today. You look good. I am feeling self-worth. I'm feeling value. I am looking forward to this Saturday. I feel in control. I feel like I'm looking forward to actually meeting new people and having a connection with new people. And I'm also really looking forward to meeting friends and catching up and just feeling like I love small intimate conversations, like I love deep diving with people and having feeling that connection with them. So I'm looking forward to this completely other different change in dynamic because I have a change in my mindset, my identity about myself and the belief systems that I know about the world is so so different. Back then I thought that the whole world was unsafe. Now I always tell myself that I am safe and that the universe has my back, I have my own back, and James has my back. I am in a very supportive relationship, and everything that happens around me is very supportive because I am supportive to myself. I am my own cheerleader in my own head. Like honestly, guys, if you were to like if there was some kind of device where you could see the thoughts that I have about myself and how supportive I am about myself, you'd be like, man, whoa. Like when I get up in the morning, I'm like, yes, well done, Emily. Like everything that I do, I'm like, that's the perfect timing, that's the perfect situation. You said the perfect thing. I am the biggest, like, literally supporter and cheerleader of myself. When I am out on Saturday, literally this happened a few weeks ago. My boyfriend is always coming up to me and checking on me. He's always saying, like, have you got a drink? Do you want anything? Shall we order some food? He's always asking me how I am and he's always checking because I'm with some new people that I've never met before. I can see him checking up on me. Is she okay? Yeah, I can tell that she's having a nice conversation, so I can, you know, be with the lads kind of thing. I feel so supportive, so supported because I am supportive of myself. And I'm having such a nice experience because I have a different mindset, and I am also feeling so in control of the situation because I have a different mindset about myself, and I feel control in myself. We go to another bar again. Um, he like James is like just fucking amazing. He makes he always makes sure that I have a drink in my hand. Hey guys, I was just drinking sparkling water. I was just drinking sparkling water, but it doesn't matter, it's the thought. Is she okay? Has she got something to drink? Is she sitting down? Is she comfortable? You know, he would like hold my coat if I asked him to. He was just always making sure that I am okay. And again, you know why this is because I actually check in on myself and I ask myself, are you okay? Because I have learned to do that. I did not even know that that was a thing. But now I check in on myself. I'm like, okay, Emily, are you okay? Like, let's how Emily's body, how are you feeling? Emily's nervous system, how are you feeling? What do you need from me today? These are the kind of thoughts and the kind of things I tell myself, and it is being mirrored back in my reality externally. When we leave the the party, the gathering, whatever you want to call it. Um, I say that I want to leave early, and he's like, Yeah, that's fine, no worries. It is again, it was muddied. My voice go croaky, it was it was December time, so again, a very cold wintery month, and he's like, I'm gonna walk you back to the car, and I'm like, No, don't walk me back to the car because it's cold outside, I'll be fine. Like, you stay in the warmth, and he is adamant. There is no way that I am walking home, not walking home, walking back to the car, even though it's five minutes away and it's in the main street, he's not doing it, he's not letting me do that on my own because he's a fucking gentleman, he's amazing. But I have attracted this person in my life because I had a mindset shift and I felt different inside. There is no way that I would have been able to attract or hold this person in my life if I had the same mindset that I did when I was with my ex Tom. And this is why we keep repeating patterns in our life. So if you are repeating a pattern in your life at the moment, just check in with yourself and see have I had the same mindset? Have I got the same feelings and emotions and thoughts? Do I put the same actions out into the world that I previously did throughout these all these dynamics? Is it a pattern? There's a pattern here, and I'm sure 100% there will be some kind of pattern. And instead of putting the blame on you, I want this to come across as super empowering. I want this to be like, oh my god, it's me. I can control this, I can change this, which you can. We are so so powerful, and we can change and shift our mindset for external reality to change with it. So, my boyfriend, he walks me back to my car to our car. We share a car, he puts, you know, he puts my coat on, he makes sure that everything is okay. He tells me that he's going to keep in touch with me because he's staying out, and he does keep in touch with me. Like, it is such a different dynamic, and it is being reflected back in my universe to the point where I had um a lovely woman that I was talking to and that I met on that day, and she even said back to me again, she's reflecting my own thoughts back to me. She's like, man, like you have got a really, really good guy. And I'm like, I know, thank you. I know, thank you. Like, yes, because I have done so much work on myself, and I feel self-worth, I feel self-value, that is is being reflected back in my reality. Again, I want this to come across as like just super, super empowering. That if you do self-development work, inner work, whatever you want to call it, basically just working on how you feel, how you think you are, is in identity work, shadow work. There's so much modalities out there which are all there to help elevate us, they're there to help shift our inner world so we can up level our reality. I really want this to, and I know that this has helped someone out there. Again, the human in me is like, don't tell them everything. I know that sometimes I come across as like, oh man, she did that. She did this. It's embarrassing to my human self, but my higher self is absolutely loving everything that I sell that I say. Oh, she's loving it. She's like, This is what you were here to do. This is your mission. You need to share your experiences to help other people with their struggles and their obstacles in their life. So I know that this has reached someone that is it is meant to reach. Please, if this has resonated with you, please feel free to share. Please feel free to rate and review. And thank you so much for your time and your energy. And I will see you all in the next one.