42: The Spiritual Truth About Gaslighting & How To Stop It

Have you ever felt like your emotions were dismissed, your reality questioned, or you were made to feel “too sensitive” for how you felt? Then this episode is for you.

In this life changing episode, I talk about:

• My experience of being gaslit for over a decade
• The spiritual, scientific reason of why I was experiencing gaslighting 
• How to stop being gaslit so you never see it in your reality again  

If you're ready to hear the truth about why you are being gaslit and you want to take back control of your life, then this episode is for you!

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hi everyone and welcome back to Intuitive Diaries with me, Emily Marie. And if you're watching this on video, I am literally perched at the very top of the sofa. Oh, he's moving. Oh, he heard me. Thank you, Duke. My dog is moving now, allowing me some space. Thank you, lovely. He did hear me. So, this episode, I am going to be talking about gaslighting, and I am literally going to give someone out there the biggest life change. I've had so much experience with gaslighting, like, not a great thing to say. It's not a gloat, but literally, like over a decade of being gaslit, I mean, saying that out loud, over a decade of being gaslit, so many different areas of my life. I'm going to be talking about one experience that I had. And at the end, I'm going to be talking about the root cause of why I was gaslit for over a bloody decade. And the intention behind it is to give someone the aha moment that they need. And if you are listening to this podcast right now, honestly, you are always put in front of the right information that you need to digest and absorb at that exact perfect time. So if you are listening to this right now, this is the podcast for you. So I'm going to wind it back to when I was in a very emotionally abusive dynamic for about 11 years. This was a previous relationship, not in a relationship that I am in right now. If you have listened to my previous episodes, you will know what I'm talking about. If not, feel free to have a look at them after this episode. I am going to explain a gaslighting situation that used to happen to me, and I'm gonna go real in-depth, guys, so you can just absorb it all so you can really be in the experience with me. And honestly, the intention is so somebody out there can get clarity on their experience at this moment. Maybe you have been ghastly in the past and you want to understand why. Maybe you are being gaslit right now and you want to know how to shift it. Maybe it pops up here and there, and you're like, what the hell is going on? I am going to explain it all to you. So I used to be with this guy, um, and I was quite young, and he lived literally like two, three minutes up the road from me. And every day he would literally bombard me with text messages, always want an update on where I was. Literally bombard me, what are you doing? You know, what time am I going to see you? He would want updates on every tiny little thing that I was doing. At that moment in time, I had no idea that that was control. I really thought that, and it was programmed in me that people who told you that they loved you like 10 times, multiple times a day, did actually love you. And I was really programmed that people close to you, so like your peers, your social group, your boyfriend, your partner, your parents, family, everybody who was within your circle had your highest good, your good intentions at heart, and this dynamic, this kind of programming was in me for like literally, I kind of looked out of it when I like reached 30, which was absolutely crazy. But this guy, my previous partner, would always check up on me. I would have my phone like attached to my arm, and my nervous system would really go up, and I would feel nervous when a notification went off, and I would feel the need to message back straight away because this guy knew if I didn't message back, he would message me with question mark, question mark. He would message me with question marks until I messaged him back. I remember once when I was like, okay, I'm not going to message him back. I'm gonna put my foot down here. This was like when I started to open my eyes to things and see shifts, internal shifts in me, and started to do something about the situation I was in. But he like sent about I don't know, 40 text messages of just question marks, just question marks, and I put my phone aside for about an hour, and all I it was just like so, it was too much. It was so what is the word suffocating? But at that time in my life, at that phase of my life, I had no idea. I had no idea what internal work was, what self-development was, what emotional abuse was, I had no idea of any of these kind of concepts. All I knew was that people around you who said that they loved you did truly, truly love you, and I was very programmed by the external world to be a people pleaser. If everybody around me was okay, then I felt okay in my nervous system. This was something that was really instilled in my body, in my brain, in my habits, so I would always look to the external. How is everyone? Oh, that person's got a frown on them, let's like make them feel happy. I was always looking for cues at the external world to do more, to be more, to be better, to people please better. And I was not, I did not even have self-awareness, the concept, the understanding that I even had an internal world. I didn't know what a nervous system was, I didn't even ask myself any questions like how are you feeling today? It was always about other people. So I just want to get you in my mindset of how I was programmed as a human and how I lived my life. So for someone like a previous partner at that time, let's take it back my boyfriend at that time to message me all the time. I would take the aspects of like I would perceive that as oh, you know, he just wants to spend time with me. Oh, he must be missing me. I would take the aspects and the I would twist things and the perceived reality in my head would be to basically prove to myself that I was safe and that the belief that I had about the world and about myself and about the relationship dynamic that I was in, that belief was true. So my reality always used to pick up cues, and you are distorting your reality all the time, guys. Like honestly, everything is a perception of our own belief systems, which is very, very intriguing. So at that phase in my life, I would be getting text messages, bombarded with them, and this was something that it was like a slowly, slowly kind of thing. It didn't just happen straight away. I didn't just go out with a guy, and the next day he like hit me with a hundred messages. It was something that was very slowly, slowly integrated into the relationship dynamic. So it was slowly, slowly something that my nervous system felt calm about. Probably not subconsciously, just consciously, and consciously my brain saw that as safe because it was used to it. So because it was a slowly, slowly thing, my brain saw what was happening around me as safe, and it didn't um you know, I did not see another way, I did not perceive this dynamic to be anything but a beautiful relationship, and I know that that sounds crazy now. I think in the phase of my life that I am in now, all the work that I have done on myself, and I am absolutely fascinated with human psychology and neuroscience. I'm fucking interested. I'm like, hello, brain, that's absolutely hilarious. Like, I have done so much work because of this dynamic, and I just find it so interesting about how a brain could perceive that. So that is the gift in it for me, and I want this to come across that this is a gift in it for you too. So let's go back to this what I perceive now as funny. Back then, this was my life. This was my life. I used to get back from wherever I had been within that day, so this was quite a while back now, like years, I would say probably about 15 to 20 years ago. So let's say I had been in college at that time, or I had been at university because I went to university locally, so I didn't move away from him. Another alarm bells, red flags. However, I was an energy match for that at that time, which I will get into towards the end of this episode. So let's say I've got back from college, I've come home. My go-to would be to tell my boyfriend at that time where I had been, and that I've just come back from I was about to say work, I've just come back from college, and that I'm like, I would tell him the order of what I'm doing. Things I'm gonna have a quick shower, I'm gonna have my tea, and all of these kind of things. This process was just a habit that was automatically in my head because it had been programmed in me to do this. But I would just be like, so okay, very frantic energy inside, straight away. I'm doing this, I'm doing that, and like my aim for the night was to get to his house, which was around two, three minutes walk away, literally just like round the corner, and I would go and see this guy every single day for years and years and years. I wouldn't have any time to myself, I would get home and I would quickly like do my stuff, and I would go to his house, and he would be bombarding me with messages like okay, what time? What are you doing now? Have you eaten your tea yet? Have you finished your shower yet? What are you doing now? Come on, and this wouldn't be in a controlling manner, this would be in a manner of I can't wait to see you, I can't wait to snuggle you, I can't wait for you to come over and see your face. Like there's this program on TV, come over quickly and we can watch it together. There would always be like this kind of you know, it wasn't I always thought that control and emotionally abusive dynamics and things like this would be someone that you didn't like that was like shouting at you or telling you to do something. I had no idea that it could be someone that you loved and that he he loved me, whatever perception of his love, what you know, of what love is to him. But he would say that to me. I don't know how many times a day. I had no perception that these kind of dynamics could have like an underlying tone. I had no idea that someone close to you would could do this. I had been programmed that, oh, you know, you would know if someone was doing something untoward to you, you know, they would be quote unquote like not a nice person, a nasty person, someone that everybody doesn't like. It was not in my conscious awareness that someone could be your partner and do this to you, however, you would still have an amazing dynamic to other people. So when we were around other people, we had, you know, we had we had good times, guys. We had in-jokes together, we had hobbies together, we did things together, we had days out together, we went to family parties together. This is a little bit off topic here. It's something that I'm going to go to in another podcast episode, but there is a scientific, universal, spiritual law of all, that everything that we need is within us, and everything is within us. So we are everything, we are all spectrums of all emotions. We are, and we have everything within us, which means that everything is within other people too. So this guy was reflecting at that time in my life, at that phase in my life, he was really reflecting the critical emotional abuse gaslighting side of what he had in him. He was reflecting it back to me because, spoiler alert, I had that within me, but we are all everything, so I also had good times with him, I also had laughs with him. It was a relationship with everything inside, it wasn't just emotionally abusive. Otherwise, if I had known that, I would have been fucking gone. There is so many different perspectives, different avenues, different ways to look at this. However, with this episode, I'm just feeling called to talk about the gaslighting side of it and the root cause of gaslighting my whole awareness. What I wanted to do within that day was basically to get back to him. And the text messages, the intense energy to like stick with him, to be there with him, was really like pushed and projected onto me. Again, this example come home from college and I would update him. Okay, he would be like, All right, message me. He would text text messages back in those days, guys. Text message that's hilarious, isn't it? I don't think we had WhatsApp, text message, and he would know if it was red or not. Do you know what I mean? It's like, oh, he'd be like, right, what are you doing now? Okay, I'm just having my tea quickly. All right, hurry up. It would always be hurry up because I want to see you, hurry up because of this, hurry up because of that. That is my take away from that example. And I had no idea that my nervous system and that my subconscious sometimes was like, actually, I don't want to. I don't want to go over there, I want to stay here at my parents' house. Like, I want to just chill and have a cup of tea, I want to have a bath and just go to bed early. I actually don't want to watch TV. I am the kind of person that I've never felt called to watch TV ever, like ever. But again, as a people pleaser, I just did what everyone wanted to do. If he said that he wanted to do something, watch this specific program. I knew I didn't want to do that, but I was making somebody else happy. He had a smile on his face, I was programmed, he's happy, I'm happy. Please don't do that. So it was just so programmed in me to do these kind of things. I was not consciously aware at all. I was not consciously aware at all that in fact my body was telling me that I wanted to do something different. I was so numb to my emotions, I was so frantic energy, always looking for external cues that I was doing something right, and always wanting to please other people. That I felt when I did something, you know, that somebody wanted me to do, I was a good person, I was a good girlfriend, I was a good daughter, I was a good best friend, but I never checked in with myself. Do you actually want to do this? This was not taught to me. I had no awareness or understanding of my own emotions. I just had the one emotion that was positive. That was just walk around like a robot, smile on your face, and then my repeating thoughts was like it's okay, everything's okay, it's okay. That's just how I got through the day telling myself everything's okay, everything's okay. If an emotion came up, like anger, like I don't think I really want to do that, I would just sit that shit back down. I would not allow myself to express any emotions that quote unquote I perceived negative. I was not consciously aware that you can even ask yourself, I didn't even realize that I had choices. I didn't how mad is that? I did not realize that I had choices. I thought my purpose in life was to make everybody feel good. Wow. Wow, wow, wow. And this kind of programming was really programmed through external circumstances. As a child, when my brain is like so malleable and just like soaking in all of that stuff, and it's just like as a child, your brain is so programmable. This is what it latched on to, and what like how I developed as a teenager, and how I developed as an adult, and this is just what happened to me, guys, and now I just see it as a gift because I've broken down every little piece, and I've got so emotionally neutral, I've got so much clarity. I needed to go through all of these milestones to get to this super high frequency concept, this super high empowering concept that lets you take control of your own reality. But let's go back to the story. And so I was not in tune with myself, I was not in tune with my body, I was so disconnected from it, and I Really, just wanted to make my boyfriend at that time happy. So let's say he was messaging me, he's messaging me, he's messaging me. It is a compounding effect, like it is like really, really building up this anxiety in me. I had no idea that I was experiencing anxiety. Other people around me could probably pick up on that energy. And when they asked me, like, are you okay? You know, do you even want to go around there? I would like literally just shut them up because I wanted to shut my brain up. I would be like, of course, I want to go around there. Like, you know, how dare you even say that? He's my boyfriend, I'm going around there. It would be really quick responses, shutting down. I wouldn't even consciously take in these questions. I only realized that people used to ask me that all the time after I came out of this relationship, because my brain allowed me to remember these memories. At that moment in time, I wasn't even consciously aware that people were asking me these kind of things. My brain would shut it off straight away, be like, no, no, no, I do like if I understood what they were trying to tell me, it would mean that my belief systems and my whole reality around me would crumble, and your brain is always trying to keep you safe. So my brain would not allow me to see their point of view. It was just straight away just shut down, shut down my emotions, shut down their questions. And my brain was on autopilot. I am getting to this guy's house, he really loves me, he wants to see me. This would happen every day for years and years, and I would always keep him updated. And let's say throughout the whole day, I have said I'm coming around seven o'clock, seven o'clock, seven o'clock. And he's like, Okay, seven o'clock, seven o'clock. And I would always messaging him, message him before I left the house. So I'd give him a quick little message, be like, Okay, I'm just stepping out of my house, because we both knew that when I did that, it would take around two to three minutes to go around to his. Always that time, because we lived so close to each other, and I would always like message him before I left again. Something that was programmed in me, and he would always message me, be like, Okay, cool, you know, I'll see you in two minutes. So I would walk around, walk around, didn't matter whether it was snowing, whether it was raining, whether it was a beautiful sunny day, and I was going to stay in all day, even when it was beautiful and sunny. Didn't matter what I wanted to do because I didn't even ask myself what I wanted to do. I just went around his and literally just sat there watching him play PlayStation or watching a film or a series that I didn't even want to watch. So so funny now. But I went round there and I would always feel this anxiety going closer and closer towards his house. Again, I was not consciously aware of how my body felt. I did not allow myself to feel anything, so my brain was just like, it's okay, it's okay, he loves you, he loves you. This was the kind of programming, it's okay, it's okay. Honestly, like that was like this dog panting energy that was so subconscious. If you met me back then, it would be the same as if you met me now. I seemed grounded, I seemed okay because I was suppressing all my other emotions, and I was not taught, I was not taught any difference by anyone, by anyone. And this you know includes family members, includes um the education system, it includes everyone around my reality at that time. So I'm getting closer to his house and I would always message him before I went up his drive, probably about 30 seconds beforehand, because his bedroom was on the attic in his parents' house. So it was three stories high, and he would be in the attic room, that was where his bedroom was. So this guy needed to come down one, two, let's say, yeah, two flights of stairs. So because I know that he is in the attic room, he needs to go through two flights of stairs to get to me. I accounted for that time, I accounted for it. I always told him, right, okay, you know, I'm about to walk. First of all, he knows exactly what time I'm coming round. Second of all, he knows that I have just you know set like stepped afoot outside of my parents' house. I'm walking up the road, and now I'm messaging him again, being like, Okay, now I am coming up to your drive. And I would come up to the drive, I would huge robot smile on my face, I would press the doorbell and wait, and nobody would bloody answer the door, and in my head, I'd be like, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay. And any kind of other intuitive emotion or any emotion that I perceived was a bad emotion, I just suppressed it, I sucked it back in my body, I was just like, and then I just like put on this uh smiley smiley robot mask because that is what was just programmed into my human to do, and I guess I would be standing there in the rain in the snow, I would do this for fucking years. How humiliating, how embarrassing, nobody would answer the door to me. Sometimes I would like look in through the window and I was like so like shy and timid and be like, come on, and I would just see his parents watching the TV, and no one would come and answer the door. Guys, you can hear the doorbell, you can hear the doorbell from the attic, you can hear the doorbell from outside in the garden, you can hear that doorbell. They were purposely ignoring me. Now, maybe his parents are like, come on, you get the door, like this is your girlfriend. We've seen her walk up the drive. There's obviously lots of different things here that's going on, but what I want to focus on is that he would not open the door to me. This guy has spent the majority of his day, his focus, his energy moulding me, like programming me to come to his house at a specific time of day. And when I was there, he would not open the door. He would not open the door like this happened for years. There was on occasions I even went back home. I was like literally, I remember just mustering up the courage to ring the doorbell again, and I would just be sitting there. Not sitting there, I'd be standing there, I'd be standing there in the rain, in the snow, like he's coming, he's coming. No, he didn't, he did not open the door to me. Sometimes his parents did, sometimes his sister did, but the majority of the time, like he just wouldn't do it, and I would just feel so humiliated, but I again I would suppress all that emotion, and I would not allow myself to feel that at all. I would not allow myself to feel anger towards this. I would just, my brain would be like, oh, maybe he's I don't know. I I would just make up excuses. He's got the TV on too loud, he's talking to someone on the phone, he's just stepped into the shower. Like, oh, maybe he's popped out to the shop to get a surprise for me. Your brain will make up some fucking crazy shit. Honestly, for it to feel safe and for it to prove that your belief systems about the world that you were living in are safe. And on the rare occasion that he did open the door, like he would just have like a frown on him or something. It was just very, very weird dynamic. But let's say we're going to the usual here. So let's say his parents opened the door, or his sister, one of his sisters, opened the door to me, which they didn't have to, like, and I would just feel so embarrassed because I could understand their communication, they didn't have to say anything. The mannerisms on their face said it all. They were like, She's here again. They had no idea that I had just been conditioned to come round this house, like literally fucking all the time. That I was bombarded with text messages, that if I didn't go round, there would be consequences. As in love would be taken away from me, like I wouldn't see him for like three, four days, or I he would go on complete silent mode, he would stonewall me, he wouldn't reply to my text messages. There were so many different techniques that he would use if I didn't do what he wanted. So I went the easy route. I went the fucking easy route. I just like everything's okay. I did not allow myself to understand what was actually going on around me. So let's say his parents, his his mum has opened the door to me. So I'm in there and I can tell by her mannerism, she's like, Hi Emily. But she's like, I've had to open the door to this bitch again. And I'm like, hi, how are you? I'm just gonna, you know, scurry upstairs with my head. Like, obviously, this is all a perception. And me feeling humiliated was because I knew that he knew that I was coming round, and if it was me, I would be like at that door for that time to open the door, but it just never happened. And then I would go upstairs, I'd go up the one flight of stairs feeling very like humiliated and confused, very confused, and this would be like I did not feel safe in the house. My body did not feel safe or confident or comfortable in that house at all. I was just like so, my nervous system was just so like would not allow myself to feel comfortable and allow myself to be just me. Again, I did not feel comfortable in myself anyway. But just being in that house wasn't like it wasn't a good time for me. My body was screaming, like this is not this is not safe. But my conscious awareness, my conscious brain, and from my understandings of the world and me not being tapped into how to feel and how to ask your body, are your are you safe? Like, how are you feeling? How are you feeling, Emily? It was not tapped into that, so I did not fucking know. And I went upstairs, and I always used to go, you know, the first flight upstairs, lovely Victorian house, and then I would open the door to the attic and go through another flight of stairs. And I remember going up those stairs and feeling lots of different emotions, and sometimes when I was brave enough, I would ask him, why didn't you why didn't you open the door? And my emotions were always snicked. He would either be completely silent to me, stonewall me, be completely silent, and you know that would be it, and we would only carry on with a nice dynamic, carry on with our evening if I forgot about it, or if I was brave enough to push a bit further, I'd be like, but your mom again has had to answer the door. I can tell that she is like a bit annoyed because you're not coming down and answering the door, and I would either get shouted at like what I am seeing is not true. No, that's not how it is, Emily. You are fucking stupid. Like, you know, your what you are perceiving is not real. My mum does not say that, she does not think that, she does not feel that. Oh, like there'd always be some kind of excuse. Oh, I popped into the shower, I just couldn't hear it. He could hear it. He knew, but and then if I wanted to pry even more, I'd be like, but you knew I text you, I texted you like two minutes ago. You had your phone in your hand, you knew that I was coming around at this time. Like, all you needed to go and do was to go down these flights of stairs, and we would have met at the exact time, but you have purposely decided to stay here and to let somebody else answer the door. This was something that I spoke about to him for years and years, and he just did not want to validate my emotions. My emotions were just not fucking validated, they were not real, like what I was feeling. If I tried to feel like, but I'm really confused about this, I actually want to get to the bottom of this. Like, why did you do that? Snip, no, there would be either no conversation, or he would shout in my face and he would be he would tell me that what I'm feeling is wrong. Guys, your whole reality is a reflection of your own energy. All of those years I was telling myself that what I was feeling was wrong. I was gaslighting myself about my own emotions, so I saw it in my external world. He was only reflecting back what was in my creator field, what was in my electromagnetic field. We all have one. If this is the first time you have heard about this, please listen back on previous podcasts. And even if it's not the first time that you have heard about this, this is a concept that is very new to this world. It is not a concept that was imprinted to us as children, so it is going to take repeated messages, repeated patterns. Like you are gonna have to hear this so many different times. It has taken me fucking like two years to understand that how deep it is, everything around you is a reflection of your own energy, it's literally taken me so long, and I have been repeating like this kind of research. I have been repeating, integrating and embodying this concept and this message. So if this is not the first time you have heard it, it is amazing that you are hearing it again. If it is the first time that you have heard it, honestly, you are always in the perfect situation at the perfect time, even though it feels like you are not. So if you are hearing this, this is something that your higher self wants you to fully embody to fully understand, and it is going to take repeated times to fully understand this. Like our brains have been programmed with something else, so it is going to take time and neuroplasticity for your brain to autopilot to a different concept, and honestly, the only reason why I was experiencing gaslighting in my reality at that phase in my life was because I gaslit my own emotions. He told me that my emotions that I was experiencing at that time were not real because every time I experienced emotion that I did not like, I told myself that I was not experiencing that emotion, and that emotion is not real. No, suppress that anger. I am happy. No, suppress that confusion. Whatever it was that I perceived was not a quote unquote good or right emotion for me to be experiencing instead of expressing it and having awareness to it. I suppressed it, and that is what was being mimicking back in my reality at that time. So if you are experiencing gaslighting right now, or if you have done in the past, and it doesn't have to be just in a romantic relationship, it could be a work colleague, a work dynamic, it could be family, it could be friends, social group, it could be fucking all of them. This means that somewhere in your life you are suppressing your own emotions, you are gaslighting yourself about how you are feeling about a certain topic, a certain subject, a certain area of life, or in my case, it was just like because it was such a huge thing that I was experiencing in my life, I was doing it to myself so much every day with every kind of fucking aspect in my life, so I saw it fucking everywhere, and I did not get the pattern, I did not understand what the universe was trying to communicate to me. So the pattern grew, it got worse and worse and worse. I experienced this sounds like such a small gaslighting situation, but I experienced small pieces of gaslighting situations about 50 times a day to the point where it was a compounding effect, small compounding, small compounding. I got it from this area of life, from this area of life where it just hit me, hit me, hit me in so many different areas of my life that I fucking broke, guys. I don't know whether I've told you this story before, but there was a time in my life where it I got to the tipping point, I got to my breaking point where all this emotional abuse I did not realize I was an energy match for it because I was doing it to myself in my own head. But I came to a tipping point after fucking like 11 years, and this was 11 years romantic relationship dynamic. However, I had been doing this. So long beforehand, it wasn't that I got into this relationship and it started happening. This pattern was in my brain beforehand. I did it throughout my teens. It was a program that was imprinted in me and I ran with it. And because I didn't shift it, it grew louder and it grew louder. I remember being on the kitchen floor of my rented house that I rented with him. This was towards the end of the relationship where my nervous system, like I just couldn't take it anymore. My like I was at total breaking point, and I needed that breaking point to like rebuild myself afterwards. Or he's just on the verge of death in like a battlefield, and his comrade is next to him, and his comrade is holding him, and he's like, Come on, you can make it through. And he's like, No, no, like I know that I'm going, I know that I'm going to die. I literally felt like that. I remember being on my kitchen floor, and in like those kind of war film scenarios. Have you ever watched it where they're at the end of their life and they say, I want my mum? That's how I felt, and that's actually how what I did. I was rocking back and forth on my kitchen floor, and I remember, I don't remember whether I said it out loud to myself or whether it was in my head, but I was just like, I want my mum. I my whole body, my whole fucking conscious awareness was completely at breaking point, and it broke. I was googling mental hospitals. I Googled mental hospitals. There was one down the fucking road. I was about to walk in there and just be like, just take me in. I feel like I am going crazy. I felt just literally like absolutely mental. And I'm sharing this with you because nobody needs to go through that. Nobody needs to be rocking on their fucking kitchen floor saying out loud, I want my mom, like oh my actual god. That's how I felt. If we all understood that life is a reflection of our own energy, we can look at our reflections and we can shift them before we get to that tipping point. Nobody needs to get to that point, guys, and I don't want anyone out there to feel like how I felt like me. That was fucking awful. Like to be Googling mental homes and to be rocking back and forth saying I want my mum. Holy fucking holy, I'm laughing now because I just don't feel attached to that version of me at all. I feel like I'm talking about a story about somebody else. But that did happen to me, and I honour those feelings. I honour that previous version of me that had to go through that to get this understanding and this concept to help other people. It was fucking me, guys. It was me. I did not allow myself to express emotions. I gaslit myself every day, telling myself that I was fine, that I was fine, that I was fine, when I clearly was not fine. I did things all the time that I did not want to, and I told myself that it was okay. Like I was helping other people, I was like, you know, just being the best version of me, like people want me around. Did I check in with myself? No, I didn't. I just kept continuing the pattern of people pleasing, of not asking myself how I felt suppressing my own emotions and just going around saying that I was okay all the time when I clearly was not. It was me. It was me. I have now completely changed my fucking life because I have embodied this understanding that life is a reflection of your own energy. I have a process now to really feel what's coming up, to ask myself intuitively, okay, how am I feeling? I have awareness of all these different emotions. I feel grounded in an actual grounded way, not in a people pleasing, I'm okay, I'm okay way. I actually know how to calm my nervous system. I know the importance of feeling everything, your true emotions, feeling them, allowing them to move through the body so they don't get stuck in the body. I have all these different processes in place. I am just a completely different version of myself, and because I have done this, once you do the inner work, so because I shifted my inner world, it is now being reflected on my outside world. Now, my amazing fiance who I am with at this moment, he is the most supportive person, and if I ask and tell him about an emotion I am experiencing, he is attentive, he wants to know deeper. He's like, okay, how can we, you know, how can we move through this? He tells me that I don't have to do things if I don't want to. Like, okay, I am doing this on the weekend, I'm going to see this friend. It'd be nice if you wanted to come with me. However, if you didn't feel like it, that's cool. You know, you can do your own like passion hobby, you can do your own this, and then I check in intuitively. Actually, you know, it's really good for me to be social on that day. I would love to come with you, thank you. It is because I am checking in on myself, I am letting myself experience anger. Like all emotions are valid. We are here as human beings to understand and experience all emotions, all of them, and we need to experience them and feel them a hundred percent. They let them out of the body, otherwise, they get trapped inside and they cause physical illnesses. Again, that is another podcast episode. But at this moment, guys, my reality fucking hell. I live in the most beautiful terrace house, it is so beautiful and clean. Do you think I clean that all on my oh no? No, no, no, no, no. It was only yesterday that I was like, okay, doing like my cleaning stuff, and my fiance comes over to me and he's like, okay, how can I help? What do you want me to do? And I'm like, Thank you. I will take that help because I help myself. I help myself, and I'm like, okay, can you get in these um blankets that I've left outside, please? Can you cover up the garden furniture? Can you put this washing outside? He's like, Okay, that's all done. I'm upstairs and I am about to put all the duvet covers on our large king size bed. Needs to be king size because of my dog, this one here. If you're not seeing the video, he's right next to me right now. My dog, not my fiance. But I'm about to put all these duvet covers on, and he just magically appears and he's like, Okay, what are you doing? What are you doing now? And I'm like, Oh, I'm about to put this on. He's like, All right then, I'll help you. I have so much support, so much help, so much validation with what I am going through, with how I am feeling, because I give that to myself first. I give that to myself and I see on the external. So if anybody is hearing this right now and you're experiencing gaslighting at this moment in time, forget about all the other things that you have heard about gaslighting. Like they are all there for a reason. It's not that what other people are talking about are wrong. There's always golden nuggets in whatever what everyone is saying. However, if you are listening to this right now, you have chosen, like your highest self has chosen for you to be in front of this really super high frequency information. It means that you're a high-frequency soul and you are ready to acknowledge that you are doing this to yourself, and you are ready. You're like your ego right now might be screaming and being like, No, don't listen to this bitch. No, we are not doing this to ourselves, it is the other person. We have come here to find out, you know, something different. This is not the information that we need. If your ego is screaming at you right now and saying that, it is the opposite. This is what the ego's job is to do. Like it means that you are a super high frequency soul and that you need to really deep dive into this information, understand it, and get a conscious awareness of how you are being this to yourself. I know that this information has changed a fucking life out there. That is what my intention is, and I know that it has. Thank you so much for listening. Thank you for your valuable time and energy. Please feel free to listen back to this a few times. Feel free to send it to someone who might need to hear it. I really know that this high-frequency information needs to get out there. It needs to get out there to the people that need to hear it. And whoever is popping in your head right now, they are the perfect person that needs to receive this information. Thank you so much. Please feel free to rate and review, and I will see you next week for another huge, life changing episode.