47: Why You Attracted A Narcissist (Mini Series Part 1)

This is the first part of a mini series dedicated to the buzzword at the moment… narcissism.

I will deep dive into everything relating to this subject, including why I was an energetic match to be in this type of relationship. The difference between a soul plan and an emotional imbalance. Why some people can see the narcissistic behaviour and others just can’t see it, plus childhood programming and inner child work.

In this episode I focus on:

• My experiences with being in a narcissistic relationship
• Why your struggle is your gift
• The true purpose of why we are here on planet earth 

This episode is perfect if…

• You are in this type of dynamic at the moment and can’t see a way out
• You have left a narcissistic relationship and are still processing it 
• You know of someone who has experienced this type of abuse and would like clarity and understanding 
• You have done lots of self development and therapy work around this topic and feel that there is something deeper
• You experienced this dynamic in other areas of your life, family, work colleague etc 

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hi everyone, and welcome back to Intuitive Diaries with me, Emily Marie. And for this episode, I'm going to talk about narcissism. This is such a big topic at the moment. Like I just feel I see this word everywhere. Narcissist, he's a narcissist, she's a narcissist. And unfortunately, I have a lot of experience with this dynamic. I listened to another podcast the other day. I got an aha moment and I was inspired to do my own episode about narcissism. My intention is to literally wow someone to give you out there an aha moment that is going to be the domino effect to literally change your life. Now, I only had this aha moment literally a couple of weeks ago. It's so new to me, even though I've been doing inner work for years and years and years. So I'm very, very excited to share my aha moment with you. And for this episode, I've also been called to do it a little bit differently. I'm gonna do like a little mini series. I think it's gonna be super fun. I also have so much to say on this topic because I've had so much experience with this dynamic being literally just reflected in my face, just being surrounded by narcissistic people, unfortunately. And I really just know that my experience can help someone out there, and I want to give just a huge, well-rounded experience and just all like all my knowledge, all my spiritual scientific knowledge to change someone's life. So for this episode, I'm going to talk about my moments, how I experienced this kind of narcissistic dynamic, and I'm just gonna get down with it, guys. I'm just gonna tell you the reason why I attracted it into my life so you can think, okay, if that's how she attracted it, now I know how to change it, or now I know how to not attract it in my life. I'm also going to talk so much deeper, guys, in other episodes after this. So I'm going to talk about the difference between a soul plan and an emotional imbalance. I'm going to talk about why, and this happened to me, and for years I was like, what? Why? What is the cause? But so many people did not see the side that I was seeing with my ex-boyfriend who I experienced this type of dynamic with. So I would talk to other people, and they would be like, Oh, yes, you know, I would talk about my experience and my narcissistic kind of dynamics that happened to me that were projected to me. And some people would be like, Oh my life, M, like I really, really see that. I've been seeing that for years and years. I hope you're okay. And then I would talk to other people about it, and they would be like, Hmm, I just don't see it. I just don't see it. I haven't seen that played out with you two, and he is very, very different when he's with me. So I'm sorry, but I just don't see it. And it racked my brain for over a decade. I was like, Why? Why can other people see this side that I am seeing, and another person literally just cannot see what I am seeing within this person? So I'm gonna talk about that as well. I'm just gonna give you just such a whole well-rounded view, and this is going to help people who have experienced narcissist dynamics, it's also gonna help people who are in that kind of dynamic at this moment in time, and it's going to help people who know of other people that say that they are in this dynamic. Maybe they want to try and help them get out of it, or maybe they just can't see their point of view, they just can't see what they are experiencing, so it's just gonna be a great aha moment for everyone involved, for everyone. But let's get straight into it. For people who are new here, welcome, welcome. I will give a little bit of background story of me. I was in a very emotionally abusive relationship for over a decade of my life. I actually left this dynamic around over a decade ago. Um, let me think. Yeah, I would say about 10 years ago. So I have done so much inner work on myself after I left this dynamic, and it's really just given me the most amazing insights to myself. I've done so much self-development work, and it's given me another perspective on this world and is how I found my spirituality. It is just being the most amazing thing, and growth moments, huge growth moments, have come from me leaving this dynamic, but there's always a cause and effect. So the growth moment actually came from me being in a dynamic. I had to experience that to leave it, to do the inner work on myself. So, just to put that out there, so I'm going to talk about a couple of experiences that I had so you can really like be like, okay, this girl, she's been through it, she knows what I'm on about. So I was in this very emotionally abusive relationship for about 11 years of my life. I was an energy match for everything that I experienced, and I still am an energy match for everything that I'm experiencing now. Fortunately, I've done so much inner work on myself that I do not experience this type of dynamic in my life at all. I have not experienced it for so many years. I actually can't remember what it's like to feel that uh excuse me moment. Like this is how I literally changed my life, which is what I'm going to talk about in later episodes as well. I'm going to tell you how I did it, guys. I'm going to tell you how I reprogrammed my brain. So I don't attract this type of dynamic anymore. But let's just go back. So, yes, I experienced so much emotional abuse, mental abuse, psychological abuse. There was also a tiny bit of physical in there as well, really, really relating to how much I was beating myself up at that time. If you're new here, stick with me. There might be some very triggering moments that might come from me talking about what I'm about to talk about. And I just want to remind you guys that a triggering moment is an absolute blessing. And I know no one told me that. To say that there is information in this that you really need to hear or you need to heal around this topic. It basically means that you need to hear it and you need to dive deeper into it. Which no one told me. So for years and years, when I used to get triggered, I just used to push it aside, push it aside, push it aside. When actually it was a call for me to go deeper into that trigger, and only when I went deeper into that trigger and learned more about it and got more understanding, more clarity, did more deeper dives into it. That's when the magic happened. So if you're being triggered today, it's actually a good thing, even though it might not feel like it at that time. So, in this previous relationship, which I am now not in, I experienced all the things, guys: gaslighting, manipulation, emotional abuse, lying. He cheated on me multiple, multiple, multiple times over so much like a huge period of time. I don't know the period of time, maybe from day one, fuck knows. I wouldn't be surprised because of the mentality that I was in at that time. But what I really want to focus on today is the narcissistic dynamic that I experienced. Everything was always about him. The whole day was about him, it was always about his dramas, what had happened to him in the day, what was going on with his family at that moment in time. Just everything was always about him, to the point where he never even asked me how I felt. We just didn't have a normal dynamic. He, you know, he didn't come through the door and was like, Yeah, how was your day? And which is what I experienced now. He did never even ask me how I felt, what my emotions were. It just wasn't in his brain to ask me. He didn't even think how was your day. It was always about him. Never even thought, okay, we are a team, we are in a partnership. Maybe I should ask how she feels or how her day was or what is going on in her life at this moment in time. It never ever in 11 years happened. This was because he was literally incapable of thinking like that. He just could not put that out there. It was always about him to the point where just every single day, and I'm just recalling it and I'm laughing now because it's not something that I experience now, so I think that it's literally absolutely crazy that a previous version of me went through this and just every day had this, and I being an empath, I'm sure if you are here that you have maybe researched the whole empathic and narcissistic dynamic, I absorbed it all and I played to it. I really wanted to know how he was, what was going on in his life, how can I make his life better? There was always drama, guys. Always something going on. You know, either he was getting fired or a huge social thing was happening or a huge family fight. It was always up to me to make his life better because there was always something going on in his life, huge dramas, and every day it was just like bloody East Enders, guys. Just like bloody East Enders. Something was going on, like some there was like a fight in the fucking street, or we couldn't even go to this pub because oh there was gonna be this person there that we can't see. Maybe he owed money, maybe he was just like couldn't see this person because this was happening in his life at the moment. Oh, we couldn't go to this social event or this family event because so and so was gonna be there, and it was I was always playing to what was going on in his life, and I always felt that his life meant more than my own life because my life in comparison was my life was very peaceful, and I was just a very different personality. I was just like, well, what I thought I was, I was quite calm and just very much my my family dynamics were very different to his. So I thought that it was my job and my duty to look after this person, make sure that he was okay, just literally be there for him, be his rock because there was always something going on, and I thought it was okay that he never asked me how I was because I always was okay, and it was always him, it was always something that was going on in his life that I had to fix. This whole narcissistic dynamic, I actually only uncovered it after I left. I had no idea while I was in this relationship that it was emotionally abusive, that it was unhealthy, that it was toxic, that I didn't even know the word narcissistic, I did not even know the word self-development, I had no idea or no self-awareness or no concept that I could actually have choices in my life. This still baffles me to this day. I had no idea that I had a choice and that I could, if I wanted to, leave. I I had no concept that I could make a choice for me for my highest good. It was really instilled in me that all choices were made for me and that they were good choices. I have talked about this in previous episodes about inner child work and childhood programming. And if you would like to go back to those episodes, I really, really feel that it would be valuable for literally everybody in the world to just think about their childhood, their childhood programming, and see how the way that they were brought up, the belief systems that were installed in them as a child affect affected and shaped their adult reality and the reality that they live in now. It is up to us, guys. It is up to us to do this work, and I honestly believe this is why we are on planet Earth. We are not meant to be in this world just living it up on the beach, which is what I thought. Every time I say a thought, it's what I had in my own head. I thought that I had it bad, and I had no idea that actually all these obstacles and struggles in my life were a blessing because I'm here to grow, everybody is here to grow. We are here to overcome obstacles, and the bigger the obstacle in your life, the more likelihood it is that you are a very high-frequency soul and you are here for a bigger purpose, and even though it does not seem like it, while you are experiencing an obstacle or just a crazy dynamic, like it literally could be what I experience. So, let's, for example, say you are in a narcissistic dynamic and you are aware of it, guys. I was not aware of it. If you are aware of it, you're probably like, What the hell? Every single day at that moment in time, you're probably thinking, Oh my god, like what is actually happening to me? But it is our job to really do the work on ourselves to have these mindset shifts to change ourselves, so the dynamic or our reality changes afterwards and the fulfillment, like the up-leveling that you get in your life. This is what we're here to do. We're here for soul growth, and no one bloody told me that. No one told me, Oh, actually, all your struggles in your life are for a reason, they're all pre-planned, and you are here to overcome them to help other people with it. It's just an amazing, amazing thing, but I totally get that in the moment, or when you're uncovering, like when you're just coming out of these types of dynamics, I guys, my nervous system was just shook. I had to go to therapy. I was just my brain was starting to allow me to uncover what had actually happened to me, to uncover another perspective, and like in that moment in time, if somebody would have told me, Oh, this is a blessing, I would have been like, get this fucking bitch away from me. Like, what the hell are you talking about? But if we just had a beautiful life and we were just millionaires and we could just spend money and whatever we wanted, we wouldn't grow. There would be no growth, you only grow from hard things, from overcoming hard things. Think of everything that has happened in your life, the growth moments come from overcoming obstacles, and I just really want to drill that into people because if somebody had told me this in the beginning of my self-development journey, I would have looked at it very differently. I thought that I had been hard done by and that nobody else is going to therapy. Like, why is this happening to me? But guys, loads of people go to therapy, and the ones that don't are probably the ones that should go. Okay, self-development is an amazing, beautiful, beautiful thing, and everybody is here for soul growth, and even though we might not be consciously aware of it, this is why we are here on the planet to evolve our consciousness, to evolve our mindset, to up-level our lives, to learn lessons. This is why we're here. So, back to the dynamic. Every time I had an argument with my ex-boyfriend when I was with him, so my partner at that time, I felt like all my words were twisted. I felt that everything was always brought back. Either I was doing something wrong, or everything was brought back to him, how he was so hard done by. Literally, he could have done the most craziest, craziest thing, like lied to me, gone somewhere else, literally, like not come home for three whole days, and it would have been my fault, and he would have been the victim. It was be like I would have made him leave the house for three days because I'm such a bad person, and it was all about how his life was so so bad, how he was so hard done by, and how I was apparently making it worse, and it was my job to like fix him, and everything that he was doing if he was out cheating on me, if he was out on a drug bender, if he was out doing this, that everything was either my fault or I had made him do it, probably all of it, and it was all about him, it was never about. Oh, I'm sorry, like you know, I made you feel this way, that just would not be in his brain. He just could not comprehend my feelings, he actually could not comprehend that there was another person in the dynamic. It was always, always about him. Like, I don't think he realized that it was a two-way relationship. He just walked into the house and it was always about him. About where's his dinner, he's going over to do this, we're watching this on TV. This happened to him at work, blah blah blah. He's hard done by. This is happening to his family. We are doing this at the weekend because it's what he wants to do, or we are doing this at the weekend. You can stay at home because he wants to do it on his own. It was always about how he was feeling. The events that he wants to do. I'm really drilling it into you guys because I had this for 11 years and I had no idea that. That it was a strange dynamic. I really did try, like I tried so hard, guys. I tried to have these conversations. I was there going, but I don't understand why you're not even thinking about me. And I would just like it would either be a huge argument, and I was not used to conflict. My body would shut down when conflict arised. So I would not continue with the argument, or I would be stonewalled, which basically means he would not talk to me, and I would be wanting answers, I would be wanting closure, I would be wanting understanding. I'd be like, why? Why are you not seeing my side to this? Why can you not even ask me how I'm feeling? Or every time I told you how I was feeling, it would just be blanked. It would like it was not even going into his reality, into his comprehension, into his brain, and it would just be like stonewalled or gaslighted. Words would be twisted. He would either walk out the house and not come back for three days, or it would be a huge argument. And he would, when I'm talking about argument, I'm saying he would just literally shout in my face and scream in my face to the point where I was like, okay, I'm done. I'm just gonna forget about this because I can't deal, my nervous system can't deal with the conflict. And this would just happen 11 years daily, and it would just get worse and worse and worse, and it would just be like I love the analogy of the frog. At first, I had no idea what was happening, and the if you've heard of this analogy, it's just the perfect one for a kind of emotionally abusive toxic dynamic where at first you're not sure what's happening, and the analogy is a frog being boiled alive, bless him, in hot water. So if you put a frog in cold water and slowly heat up the water, it has no idea that it is getting boiled alive, and this is a great analogy for these kind of toxic dynamics where at first I thought it was a beautiful, healthy, like my first love. Like I just was like so overwhelmed by the love bombings that happened to me, and I was so elated by this type of like, oh wow, I'm being showed affection, I'm being showed attention, I'm being showed love. This is the analogy of the frog in cold water, and then slowly, slowly things would happen. So maybe at the start of the dynamic, one tiny little thing would happen where he would snap at me and I'd just let it go, and then you know, a week later he would snap at me again. Maybe the tone of voice would be slightly higher, and then a week later, maybe he would have a go at me, but then afterwards he would say something really nice, so I would focus on the really nice thing that happened afterwards, and I would brush it off. And these kind of things happened more frequently, and they would happen with more severity. Again, let's go back to the analogy with a frog and being boiled alive, so the warm water would get hotter and hotter and hotter until when a frog actually realizes that he is being bought alive. Bless him, please. No one in the world do this. Oh, my actual life. Like who? Who even found out that this was an actual thing? Oh my god, but the frog cannot jump out of the water, the frog is frozen, and this is what happened to me, and this is what happens in these kind of dynamics when I realized that just every day critical stuff was being thrown onto me, I was being shouted at, I was being abused, I was being lied to, I was being manipulated, cheated on, and it didn't matter about my opinion. Again, the narcissistic qualities in this person, I could not see a way out. I was frozen, I could not see a way out, and my body, my nervous system was adapted to this reality that it was actually saw it as safe again. Where the saying comes, better the devil, you know. When your nervous system, your reality is so adapted to what is happening, it is so hard to jump out of the boiling water, it is so hard to be like, Okay, fuck it, I am not doing this anymore. I am not being in this type of dynamic anymore because of so many factors, because you are used to it, because your nervous system is used to it, because you don't see a way out, because your brain is saying that it is safe, because the neuroplasticity in your brain is going to a different neuropathway. It is basically saying, you know what, it's just safer just to put your head down, get on with your day, not talk about what actually happened because your feelings don't matter anyway. This is where my the neuroplasticity in my brain went to. We will talk about neuroscience afterwards. But these types of dynamics happened to me daily, and for someone, if you are in this type of dynamic, guys, I have been there, I feel for you, and I completely understand why it's so hard to get out of it because of all these factors, because of neuroscience, because of neuroplasticity, because of your nervous system, because of belief systems, because of childhood programming, because of outer world programming, because of so many factors keeping you stuck. With me, I was not even self-aware. Like if you are self-aware, wow, self-awareness is the first key to healing, to doing anything. It's the domino effect for changing your life. And I was not even self-aware, guys. I had to do it a different way. I had to do it a different way, the soul pathway, which is not the best way. I will talk about this in another episode. Again, guys, this is gonna be a very fun, fun might not be the right word, but an amazing, life-changing mini-series for someone out there. So I'm gonna really, if you're thinking, oh, I would really wish for her to go into a deeper dive into what she's saying about the neuroscience, I will in next episodes. But for now, I want to talk about the dynamics that I experienced. Okay, so I have got one that really, really sticks out into my mind. It sticks out so much that I could literally cry with laughter and cry with tears that I experienced this. So this was to the extreme. So when I was literally at my bloody tipping point, I had experienced these dynamics for 11 years. And if you want to know more about this, I have got episodes that I've at the very, very start of my podcast. I think it's number three, which is like 11 years of emotional abuse. If you want to hear all the things, go for it, guys. Um, take a listen into that. But at the very end of this unhealthy relationship, I did something different. I was like had this download, this surge of energy that was like, you are not going crazy. You are actually extremely amazing and special, Emily. Like I just had this surge of energy, whatever you want to resonate with, whether you want to resonate with God or the universe, whatever your parent energy is. I love the universe, I love source. Source is my wording, but let's just say God, like whatever you want to resonate with. There's so many different words for the same thing. I got this surge of energy, and it was like Emily, you are incredibly special, you are fucking amazing. Like, I can't put into words how energy felt. Like I'm clenching my fists, it was just like a burst of energy. Like, okay, something shifted in me. It's like, okay, you are doing something different now, and I did. I looked through his phone, and back then I had no idea that this person would cheat on me. I had been brought up in a really, really Catholic background where it was just not in my reality, guys. Like, I had been brought up that you two, if you are together, you stick together. You find a person and you stick with them for fucking life, for life. And if you have arguments, you work at it, you don't leave, you stick together. There was no perception of cheating in my head because I would never do that. I thought that it was going to be reciprocated, I thought that no one would do that to me. It wasn't in my understanding, it wasn't in my brain programming. I had no beliefs that somebody would do that to me. So I literally had no idea, even though looking back, there was probably a lot of signs there. I, my brain would not let me see those signs because in my neuroplasticity, in my neuropathways, my neuropathways had no idea, it had no beliefs that cheating could happen to me. I knew that it happened to other people, but to me, no, like that wouldn't happen to me because I'm such an amazing girlfriend. I do everything for this person. There is no way that I would even look at another man. I wouldn't, if I walk past another person and it was a male person, I would look down. There's like no eye contact. I am with another person, I am loyal to that other person, and I honestly thought that that kind of energy was going to come back to me. It was a belief system that was installed. However, it fucking did happen to me. It did happen to me. So I looked through his phone, which is an action that I would have never taken beforehand. I have got the big backstory, like in other episodes, but I looked through his phone and I found out, guys, that he was cheating on me. And it was just the most craziest thing. I just had a huge different perception of my life. I was like, I could not believe it. I actually felt sick inside. I was like, oh my god, this person is not who I thought it was, and actually, it was very disturbing. There were so many different messages, so many different messages with lots of different girls, and he took on a different persona for who he was talking with. So let's say he was talking with a girl who loved music, then he took on this persona that he was in a band, and he would focus on that with this person, and then then there was another chat, and this woman seemed to be very into like yoga and into festivals and stuff like that. So he would take on the persona that he was, you know, into, which he was, but he would focus on the thing that would get the attention of that woman. So he would focus, you know, oh yeah, I like yoga, and I'm like, you know, into this kind of festival lifestyle. Like he would take on a different persona to get the intention of the woman that he wanted. So he would be like a chameleon, he would like change his personality to suit the person that he was talking to. Again, I would talk about this in different episodes. I really, really am gonna do a huge deep dive, it's gonna be life-changing. But I was like, I could not believe it, I could not believe it. I could not believe that I was living a lie, that I shared a house with this person, that I had given my my life to this person. I had gone to uni in Birmingham to stay close to this person. I hadn't really left Warsaw a lot, which is fucking mad. Like I hadn't really travelled because it was so ingrained to me to stay at home, to be, you know, like a good little wifey while he was going around traveling, doing whatever he wanted. I had given up my life. I had not lived for me, I had not lived for me, I had lived for this other person, and I just could not believe that I had given up 11 years of my life force, of my life path, of my fucking lifetime. I believe in reincarnation, I believe that we have all these different lifetimes, but even with that belief, I only get to be Emily Marie Benton once. I only fucking get to live in this beautiful body and experience this lifetime and learn these life lessons that I want to learn in this body once. That only happens once. And I was like, fucking hell! Oh my god, I have been living for eleven years for someone else. Holy fucking moly! Like, I'm laughing because I remember that moment. It was just like everything in my life that I knew was wrong, and that I had now a completely different perception of my life. I could see my friends differently because now that I could my brain was like cracked open and it could see another perspective, and it like was like, oh my life, okay. Now I could allow my brain to allow different memories in of when my friends were like, you know, this relationship is wrong. I allowed other memories of my family trying to tell me, and like my family, only certain members of my family, but like saying that this relationship dynamic was not right, it cracked me open to seeing my life differently. I did this at like two o'clock in the morning, guys, because I was so scared. Again, scared, you should not be scared of your partner, but that's the emotion that I allowed myself to feel. For decades, I had been suppressing my emotions, and I did not even realize what emotions were because I suppressed them so much. I did not realize that I was treading on eggshells, that I was scared of my partner, that I was feeling intimidated because I had suppressed my emotions for so long. I had shut them off, I had completely closed them off, and it was one of the first times that I allowed myself to feel an actual emotion that wasn't this kind of fake positivity to this person, and I was actually scared because I was just confused and just like what the actual F like wow, but I slept in the spare room. We shared a house together. I slept in the spare room, but I did not want to go back into that bed. I did not want to see him, I did not want to look at him. I was I don't I can't remember whether I was actually physically sick, like my body was just seeing things differently, it was allowing me to feel something different. It was actually allowing me to feel my nervous system. For years, I had suppressed my nervous system and suppressed my emotions, and I thought that I was a calm and grounded person. And then when I felt allowed myself to realize what I had actually gone through and what the situation was at that time being, my nervous system was like so frantic, and it wasn't that it was just frantic then, it was that I allowed myself to feel the frantic energy that I had always it had always been there, but I was like more confident to listen to my body, and it wasn't shut off anymore, and I was slowly listening to my emotions, to my body, to my inner voice, to my mind, to my intuition. I was getting all these downloads, and it was like, okay, Emily, you are ready to leave, you are ready to find out the truth. I was like, oh my god, okay. So going back to this moment in time, which was the I'm so excited to tell you, I can't even speak, and I'm like, oh my life. So there's always two things to look at, there's always positives and negatives in absolutely every situation. This universe and this life that we live in is made up of balance, so there's always good and there's always bad in every situation, even though it might not feel like it at that time. So even though that was an awful crazy situation to be in, it was actually literally, guys, like the best time of my fucking life because it was the moment that I changed my reality, it was the moment that I did something different. It was like my tipping moment, you know. If you have been in this type of dynamic, everybody comes to a tipping moment where they're like, No more, no more. So I had this tipping moment, but I was still in that house with him. Are we still in the house with him? So in the morning he called for me and he was like, like, why are you not in the bed? Why are you in the spare room? This is so weird. Again, everybody is made up of energy. This whole universe is made up of energy. We can feel energy even if we don't know it, even if we are not aware of it. So he was in the other room and he could feel that something was off straight away. He was like, he woke up and he was like, something is different because I was my energy, it was so different overnight. Something had shifted in me, and god, I just remember it, guys. I just remember my mindset was just so different. Like it was like the first time that I had shifted something in me, and the first time that I had walked up to him with a different energy, and he could feel it. I walked into that bedroom, and he was like, What? Why are you not in bed? Like, why have you gone into the spare room? And I was like, Wow, I've got a question for you, and even me saying that, like, it was just literally a different person had walked into that room, and it's not because he changed, it's because I changed, it's because I had a completely different mindset shift. If you are seeing me on video, you're seeing me like it's like as if I'm wiping the energy. From my body, I'm doing like this kind of swiping motion. It literally was if something had just shifted, and I walked into that bedroom, calm, grounded, not frantic, and I just revealed his mobile phone from the back from my back, and I just like presented it to him, and I was like, I've got a question for you. Why have you been cheating on me? And he sat up, he looked at me, and he was just like absolutely gobsmacked and puzzled that I had the audacity to look through his phone, and these are the kind of things that he said to me. He was like, How dare you look through my phone? He was like, This is actually his words, guys. This was going to be the day that I was going to change, and I was going to be the best boyfriend to you, and you have ruined this relationship. You have ruined this relationship, Emily. You have ruined an 11-year relationship. Like, oh my god, I was going to change today, I was going to be the best version of me, and you looking through that phone, like all this pointing fingers, shouting, this type of dynamic, you are the one that ruined it. I am so passionate about this moment in my life because I remember it so vividly, and I'm laughing because it was just a moment that I changed. I changed, and I was like, no more. He knew that I had changed, and he looked at me and he was like, This is it, isn't it? Because I had tried to leave this relationship. Like, I guys, I would leave every weekend for years, but I didn't have concrete evidence of anything. I just felt like I was going crazy. There was just so much emotional abuse that I couldn't explain it or comprehend what was actually happening to me. I would just leave because of conflict, because we weren't seeing eye to eye, because I felt like I don't know, even I don't even know how I felt properly back then because I feel like I still need to do lots more self-development work. But I always would leave, like literally at least two, three times a month, and I would always go back because of lots of gaslighting manipulation tactics that I was an energy match for at that time. But he knew that this time it was different, and he looked at me and he was like, you know, this is it, isn't it? You're going, aren't you? And I was like, Yeah, like what this is, this is it. Like, this is the concrete evidence that I had been looking for. I needed some kind of physical, I needed my eyes to see something, and because my brain couldn't comprehend what was happening, I needed my eyes to visually see something and it to like go back to my brain and be like, okay, this is the moment, this is actually what's happening, because it's so hard for your body to process emotional abuse and gaslighting and manipulation in the moment, especially with childhood programming and outside circumstances, and even the age that I was at that time. So this was what I needed, this is what my body needed. Like, I saw the physical evidence, and I was like, I'm gone. I I'm gone. And his response to that was oh god, everybody's gonna know, and everybody's gonna think that I'm a right cunt now. That's what he said. His brain processing was oh, she's just found out, like my partner of 11 years has found out that I've cheated on her, and his brain processing was everybody is going to know about me, and everybody's gonna think that I'm a cunt now. It's all about him, him, him, how he is perceived in the world, his feelings, his emotions, his social status, and it didn't even was not in his even awareness about how I felt of being in a relationship for 11 years and just been found out that he was cheating on me. Like he never asked me once, how are you? How are you feeling? I'm so sorry. Like it was just like, oh now people are gonna know the truth, and how am I going to reclaim my social status? That was how he how his brain processed that information at that moment in time as well. We had the same friendship circle, and my best friend at that time was about to get married, and it was all you know gonna be a big thing. And he said, Oh, I'm not gonna be invited to that wedding now, and he didn't even say that to me, he just said that out loud, like as if he was just thinking out loud, again, thinking about himself that he's going to miss out on free booze at a party. That is what I would describe a narcissist. A narcissistic tendencies does not even come close, it's not tendencies, it's just full-on narcissistic personality, and it was wild, it was wild, guys. I experienced that for 11 years of my life. I also experienced it in lots of other dynamics in my life as well. It wasn't just my relationship, but that is where I experienced the most of this type of personality just being projected to me every single day. Now I feel super, super called to actually leave this episode here. And in the next episodes, I'm going to talk about why this happened to me. I'm just literally going to deep dive into inner child work, why this happened, how you get out of this dynamic, and it's probably not going to be what you think. I'm also going to talk about everything that I said right at the very start. So, soul plans versus emotional imbalances, and why other people could not see this side to his personal personality. Because obviously, we all have different parts of us, and this personality was projected to me. It happened what the worst when it was just me and him at home, and I always thought that he was tailoring his personality just to me, which he was in some way, but it's going to be such an amazing eye-opener the next episode as to why I attracted this. But I really want to make this whole series of episodes easily digestible, which is why I'm going to split them up. And for this episode, I just want to focus on what my experience was. So you can be like, Yeah, she knows what she's on about. She's had that experience, she's got some knowledge on uh narcissism. So I just want to really be called to say, if you have experienced this type of dynamic in your life, or whatever your struggle is, every single person in this lifetime is here to overcome struggles. And if you have overcome struggles, or if you are still in this type of dynamic now, if you are just processing it wherever you are on your journey, it's the perfect time for you to look at this. It's the perfect time for you to look at self-development work and inner work. And my aha moment and takeaway for this episode is every struggle that we are given. Because we are given these this life, we are given these types of dynamics and obstacles, and it's there to help us grow, it's there to help us do inner work and to be like, fuck yeah, I'm amazing. I can overcome this, I can learn more about myself, I can shift my mindset, I can either help people, like if you have gone through something like this, like me, I would say most likely you have gone through it to get a huge understanding so you can help other people. It might just be one person, it might be millions of people, and if it's not, it's just helping yourself, and you are the most important person on this planet, anyway. This whole lifetime is about you, it's about overcoming your own struggles to get that soul growth, to get that fulfillment, to get the lessons that you have been wanting to learn in this lifetime. So, whatever your struggle is, whatever you are facing, or whatever you have faced and you are processing at this time, like it is your job to do the inner work, to uncover like the deeper meaning behind it, to be like, okay, what did you really want me to learn from this experience? And we only do that from healing. And honestly, guys, like I was such a skeptic for years and years. If someone said the world word heal to me, I'd be like, roll eye, she's on a healing journey. Like, I was one of those people, and I just think it's so funny how I've done a 360 and I'm like, you gotta fucking heal that shit. Only when I did self-development work, only when I looked at my inner child, I did shadow work, I looked at my mindset, I shifted, I looked at my childhood programming, I looked at my inner beliefs, my limiting beliefs, I looked at everything from an outside perspective, and I shifted so much. That's when my whole reality shifted and changed. I do not experience this dynamic anymore. It just hasn't come up. I haven't met anyone that has showed me that kind of personality to me because I don't have it within myself anymore. I don't experience this. I experience now with my boyfriend the most supportive boyfriend. Like that is always like, how do you feel? He wants to know how I am. Every time a weekend comes up, he's like, What do you want to do? He's always asking, he's always clocking how I'm being, how I'm feeling. If I was having a down day, he would pick up on that. Sometimes I don't even need to tell him, and he would pick up on you know the housework. Oh, don't worry, you carry on doing that, I will do the dishes, or I'll do tea tonight because I can see you are doing something else, or you know, go and have a nap and you like you look emotionally drained, I'll I'll take the dog out for a walk. It's always a balanced, supportive relationship dynamic that I am in at this moment because I created it, I shifted something within me, and I don't attract, I haven't seen this type of dynamic for like nearly a decade because I did something different. So the big takeaway for this is if you're in a struggle right now, and you probably definitely are. I know it's so hard in the moment, but just see it as a gift. And if you can't see it as a gift, see it as a fucking challenge. I'm like, okay, fuck this shit. I do not want this in my life anymore. I don't want this to take over my life anymore. I don't want to think about this anymore. I am going to do work on myself, and I am going to look at things differently, and I'm going to change something within me so I see a different perspective on this. So my outer reality changes. And in the next episodes, I'm going to do deeper dives and I'm going to tell you how I shifted. I'm going to tell you how I reprogrammed my brain. I'm going to tell you all the things. Thank you so much for listening to my narcissistic stories, for sticking with me, for being here with me on Intuitive Diaries. And please feel free to rate and review this episode. Please subscribe. Please feel free to send it to someone who might need to hear it. Whoever pops out in your head is the perfect person to send it right now. Thank you so much for your valuable time and energy, and I will see you all in the next one.