48: Why You Attracted A Narcissist (Mini Series Part 2)

This is the second part of a mini series dedicated to the buzzword at the moment… narcissism.

In this series, I deep dive into everything relating to this subject, including why I was an energetic match to be in this type of relationship. The difference between a soul plan and an emotional imbalance. Why some people can see the narcissistic behaviour and others just can’t see it, plus childhood programming and reprogramming your brain so you can filter in a different reality. 

In this episode I focus on:

• How your childhood writes the story of adulthood 
• Why you should always put yourself first 
• How everything in your reality in a reflection of you 
• Why I attracted a narcissist relationship through my creator field 

If you just want to get to the real truth of how this universe really works, and why you were in a narcissist dynamic, this is the episode for you. 

We might not of had the same childhood, but we would have had similar thought patterns to see this in our reality.

Dive on in! 

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello everyone and welcome back to Intuitive Diaries with me, Emily Marie. And at the moment we are having a heat wave, guys. So I'm actually in one of my favourite little dresses at the moment. It doesn't happen often in the UK, so I am absolutely boiling, but I'm here. I've actually been self-sabotaging, guys, and I have been trying to put this episode off for ages. I normally do my recordings for my podcasts on Friday. It's actually Sunday afternoon, and I'm like, my mind's like, oh, maybe you need to clean the house, maybe you need to take the dog for a walk, maybe you need to do this, maybe you need to do that. Go and see your parents because this is going to be an episode that's really like close to my heart because I'm going to talk about childhood background, and I don't really want to talk about this kind of stuff. Like, you know, I fucking love my parents, but I know that this is going to really really help someone out there, and my whole intention, and just to download that I have got is that I really need to explain this dynamic in such a well-rounded view, and this is really gonna help someone out there, so I'm gonna put my shit out there to help someone else. So let's get into it. This is the second part of my narcissistic little mini series. The previous episode is all about my experiences with being in a narcissistic relationship. I did have this type of dynamic being projected to me with different situations, but that was the biggest one. If this is your first episode, welcome, welcome. I would really suggest you go back and listen to the first part of this episode so you can get a really well-rounded view of what I am communicating with you today. On this episode, I'm going to be talking about childhood background and how literally how I created this dynamic and why other people create this dynamic as well, why it is happening to you. So let's get straight into it. As I always I like to say, I absolutely love, love, love my parents. We all choose parents or a parent to help us overcome life lessons to teach us something, and the biggest way that we get teachings and learn knowledge is through fucking shit. Like it's just through hard struggles, hard obstacles, and my parents gave me the like my creator field, which I will go into afterwards. It gave me basically the thought patterns that I needed to experience the dynamics that I wanted to experience in this lifetime, as in my higher self, God, source, the universe, whatever you resonate with, planned for me to experience so I could get the soul growth, so I could get the knowledge that I had been seeking in this lifetime. So, to get a well-rounded view, let's go back and talk about little Emily. I am the oldest of five siblings, and I grew up in a very Catholic background. My mom is very Catholic, my dad is very Catholic, so it came from both parents, both family dynamics. I was in a Catholic primary school and Catholic secondary school, and it was just literally everywhere. I didn't know anything different, I didn't know anything different. That being said, it's not that being a Catholic is bad or wrong. There's some amazing high-frequency teachings in there. However, what my baby brain picked up is that you have to do good in the world, you have to be the best version, you know, you have to be nice and kind to other people, and I personally really feel that that kind of programming was always about how you could be amazing to other people, how you put other people first, how you be kind to your neighbor, how you're always thinking about other people, and in that teaching, there was never, from what I experienced anyway, there wasn't any teaching about putting yourself first, about how are you feeling, about how are you like are you being kind to yourself? Are you helping yourself? How do you feel today? And being the eldest of five siblings, the kind of Catholic programming was really elevated with me being the oldest of five. I was, you know, mother hen energy. My mum was absolutely uh amazing, so is my dad. They are both amazing, amazing people, very caring, very loving, but to other people and not to themselves. I really really got to preface this. I didn't see in my childhood a good example of self-love because it just wasn't there. We were very programmed to be the best, be the most friendliest, nicest, kindness person to other people, to always like give to other people, whether that be money or your energy or your time, whatever it was, it was all about how other people are feeling. If someone is feeling bad, you have to help them feel better. If someone is feeling sad, you know, you have to help them feel better. There was nothing about checking in with yourself, nothing about how you were feeling, and about actually thinking, do you really want to help this person? Or is it just a kind of autopilot mechanism in your brain for you to feel good because you've been programmed to do that as a child? My parents are literally just giving me the teachings that their parents gave them, and that their parents gave them, and that their parents gave them, and the parenting teachings have never been updated. You know, there wasn't somebody that like did self-development work. I was like, hang on, we are repeating family dynamics. No one had this kind of like self-awareness concept, self-development concept. There wasn't a person, like a family member that broke these kind of family generation cycles, except me, then I came along. So we're just repeating patterns, and it is no one's fault at all, it is just brain programming, and it's how our brains have been built. We see things in childhood, we pick them up as our beliefs, as our truths, and whether we are aware of it or not, we repeat the patterns. Being the oldest of five siblings, I was very brought up and taught that I had to kind of like dumb myself down a little bit to help my siblings. So, for example, let's say we were like playing and doing races, I would let my siblings win, or if we were doing competitions, I would dumb myself down and let my other siblings like win to make them feel better, even though there was a part of me that was like, hang on, I'm fucking older than them. I really want to beat them in this race, I can do it. It was like look down upon, or if I let other people win, I would get smiles, I would get, oh Emily's being really, really nice, you know. Well done, Emily. It's that kind of energy that programs your brain to let other people win, to let other people have things. For example, in a siblings dynamic, sharing, you know, sharing, even if I really wanted something and was actually mine and given to me as a birthday present by a family member. I still was obliged to share it with other people, and it wasn't my feelings were really shoved down. If I was like, actually, no, I really, really want this. It's like, no, Emily, you're being selfish, you have to share, it's not about you, it's about other people, and that kind of programming was just repeated and repeated and repeated into my head, and repeated messaging creates your belief. So I had this belief system again, all subconscious. Little baby Emily didn't realise this, little child Emily didn't realise this, teenager Emily didn't realise this. Guys, fucking 30-year-old Emily didn't realise this, so it was just programming that was repeated and repeated. I actually thought that this was a belief, and this was my belief of the world as well. I thought that I always had to take a step back, dumb myself down, help everyone before myself, and when I say help everyone before myself, when I say before, it means that I came after, but honestly, like I didn't even come after, like it was just helping everyone else and making sure everybody else was okay, and that was it. I was not taught to check in with myself at all, to have feelings and emotions about myself. I was not taught how to ask myself, do you really want to do it? Do this? Is this a choice that your true self would make? Do you want to do this action and thoughts, guys? Like, I was not even taught about thoughts, and that was because my parents don't know about thoughts, bless them. Like, they don't one day they might listen to this, and I just want to say, I fucking love you. You were absolutely perfect, you were the most perfect parents for me. This is literally what I asked for. My higher self before I got reincarnated in this beautiful body. My higher self was like, This these are the perfect parents for Emily in this lifetime, they are gonna give you the perfect brain programming for you to then go out in the world and get the life lessons that you need. So I say thank you to them. And when they are parenting, they in their heads in their intentions, they are doing the best job that they could do, and that's exactly what they did. We had a beautiful childhood, we went away on holidays, you know. We had really tight family dynamics, but my brain did pick up on this programming of always putting other people first. I also had this belief system imprinted in me that I have to really not be seen and not be heard, and this was a safety mechanism for me, for the adults in my life back then, and this isn't just my parents, this is literally all the adults that I came in contact with, so that would be family members, but it would also be the education system, it would just be teachers, absolutely everyone. They didn't have emotional regulation themselves, so for them to feel like they had a calm nervous system, I couldn't speak out, I couldn't cry, I couldn't act out. I just literally, like if I was being a good girl, quote unquote, that just meant that I was like being silent or playing quietly by myself. Playing nicely just meant that I actually couldn't voice my own opinion and I had to let everyone else win or let everyone share all my toys. This imprinted in my nervous system that it is safe for me to really go against my own emotions and go against my intuition. So if I was really, really feeling like actually, no, I really want to win this competition or I want to win this race, that was really shoved down, and I would go against my intuition to make other people around me feel safe in their own body to have their own emotions regulated, so I was being a you know, quote unquote, good girl. So just to really, really put this into your minds. So my childhood programming is like okay, Emily, you need to dumb yourself down. It is amazing and great when you are quiet and you are playing nicely, sharing your stuff, emotions and thought patterns that were not aligned with that. So if I had an emotion about like acting out, or actually, you know, I don't really want to go and say hi to that person over there. I'm not feeling like my intuition is like I don't know that person, I don't want to go over and say hi. I would literally just be forced to go over and like put a smile on my face, and you know, oh yes, you don't know this person, but say hello to blah blah blah, like this second cousin, aunties, uncle's friend in a fucking baker down the road that I had no idea, but I had to be like, oh hello, and give this person a hug that I just didn't even fucking know. You know, it's just mad that my body got used to putting myself in these kind of situations where my intuition was screaming, I didn't feel safe or comfortable, but I was taught that it's other people's perceptions of you being good, that's how you survive in this world. So it's like a safety mechanism to feel like my like my nervous system is safe, even though it really wasn't, even though we were so so shook. So, even though I had a beautiful childhood, which I did, my childhood brain, which literally is just like a recording system, they just it literally just records what other people are doing, it mimics other people's actions, and it just takes in all of these kind of experiences and what child is seeing, and it records it in the brain, and these are where our belief systems come from, our mindset comes from, and the reason why we repeat family dynamics and things like that. So I'm not talking about feelings or emotions or thought patterns or how to emotionally regulate. My emotional regulation system was to shove everything down and just to be a people pleaser. So if I wanted to do something, I would just be like, Oh no, I'm thinking about myself. I would just shove that down and basically just do whatever the person wanted, or what I thought that person wanted to help them, to help them not feel sad anymore, to just you know put a smile on their face, and also this is very much the Catholic kind of programming. It's like you know, be the best person, which is so so nice. Like, I understand the intention behind that, but you have to be that person to yourself first, otherwise, your energy is just gonna get drained and drained. You have to fill your cup up first, and then you are the best person, you are full of energy, you have like a the amazing mindset, you have the full potential to help other people around you. I honestly can't think of one time in my childhood where somebody asked me, like, what do you feel? You do you want to do this? Do you want to go here? Do you want to do X, Y, and Z? How are you feeling? This doesn't mean that it didn't happen. It just means that my brain has like either blocked that out or it's just got a neural pathway that is so so strong that just goes straight to what do other people think, how are other people feeling, how are other people being, don't think about yourself. That's where my neural pathway was the strongest. So now that you know, a little bit about my childhood, which I have spoken about as well in other episodes, and again, I just need to fucking say this like I just had the most beautiful, beautiful childhood. We lived in a really big Victorian house, my parents are still there. We had like lone sort of family parties. I loved my siblings, I still do. I love playing with them. We went on holidays, like the reason why I've been self-sabotaging and putting this episode off is because I don't want to give a bad impression of my beautiful, amazing family. But I've just got such this big download that I need to talk about this to help someone out there have the understanding, the clarity, and the aha moment that they need to be like, okay, this isn't my true belief, it is just childhood programming and childhood programming, it's not their fault, and it's not their parents' fault either. Yes, there's always different ways to look at it. They could have done self-development work, but you know, that generation, I don't know anyone in that generation that did self-development work who are even self-aware of their emotions, or even if I told my dad, do you know what a nervous system is, he'd just be looking at me like just be like, get get me a beer out of the fridge and like what you want about? Do you know what I mean? It's not in their brain programming, so it's not their fault either. And we all choose our parents in this lifetime for specific reasons, and even though you might think, Holy shit, like I know of a lot of people that don't have great relationships with their parents, so I do feel very blessed that I can perceive it this way. This is the way that I perceive it. I'm not saying that everyone in the world, all these billions and billions of people, need to perceive it that way at all. I'm just saying that this is my opinion, my perception, and I absolutely love the trauma that my parents have given me. I love the limiting beliefs, like thank you. Like, I will fucking overcome that. I love the brain programming that they gave me. Like, fucking, yes, I will overcome those obstacles. I fucking will. I already have. I only got that fulfillment with the brain programming that I got as a child. So, right, if you are seeing me on video, my dog is literally just changing his mind on where he wants to sit. So, yes, I'm perched on the end of my sofa, and he's literally taking the whole room. Oh, am I just going to allow it? Yeah, I am. I'm a dog mum. I love him, I love him. Okay, so now we're going to change trajectory a little bit, and we're going to talk about the creator field. I have spoken about the creator field in different episodes, but I'm going to recap and talk about it now in the context of narcissism. So, everybody has a creator field, which is basically our electromagnetic field. And just think of our like all humans have an electromagnetic field, which is one big concoction of our emotions, of our thought patterns, our beliefs, the identity that we hold about ourselves, about the world. It's just a whole great big concoction of us, which is amazing. Our thoughts are electric, and each, if you can just think of like a little thought, just see it as like I don't know, like an actual real thing. I'm a very visual person, so let's just imagine that I've got a thought, and in the context of this episode, I've got a thought that I can't think about myself, it's always about other people. I cannot think about myself. So I've got this thought bubble, and just imagine it like a little, I don't know, a little bubble with all these words in like I can't think about myself, can't think about myself. And every thought is electric and it has its own electromagnetic field around it. So if you feed that thought, for example, if you have a neural pathway that goes straight through that thought and you have it on a loop in Your subconscious mind, which is creating repetition, repetition, repetition. That thought gets bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger, so it has a stronger and stronger and stronger electromagnetic field. This makes its way into your electromagnetic field, into your creator field. Your creator field then attracts all situations or dynamics or circumstances into your reality. And your creator field, whatever it is broadcasting, whatever it is radiating out, which again is a concoction of you. It is literally just going to reflect you. All that the creator field is doing is literally handing out scripts to people, circumstances, and situations to reflect to mirror back your own energy of what is in your electromagnetic field. And I really think that we got it a little bit right, guys, when I was in the spiritual world before I came across this super super high frequency information about how the world really fucking works. You do see this kind of knowledge here and there, especially with like Catholics as well. I always am gonna talk about myself because hey, it's me and this is my own brain. So, in like the context that I'm talking about with Catholics, it's like if you do good, then the energy will come back. So that was really really programmed into me. Whatever you put out into the world comes back to you. Again, a little bit like the whole karma concept, and we really do see this kind of repeated quotes everywhere. Like, oh, you know, the energy that you put out comes back to you, and it does, but what I feel that we have been programmed to think is what we do to other people comes back to us. So if I'm a good person to somebody else, someone will do a good thing to me, and it's not that at all, it's about how you act to yourself, to yourself, obviously, guys. Please be nice to other people, be nice to fucking animals. Oh my god, you are so cute, Juke. Be nice to animals, be the best version of you to the world. But everything in this universe is an extension of you, so you have to be kind to yourself first. Whatever you want to see in the world, you have to do it to yourself first, and then it is gonna be mirrored back to you because of your creative field, guys. It's just science. Like, I know that this stuff isn't taught to us, but I honestly believe that it's not taught to us for a fucking reason. There are people out there in this world that run the world that want to keep this knowledge from us, that want to keep us very limited, that want to keep us quiet, that don't want us to be fulfilling our true full potentials because then they feel that they will have less control, and they probably will. Like, just imagine if everybody realized the truth of how we create our own reality, and everybody was just going around like living their best lives, knowing how to actually really manifest in this world and how to attract the dynamics, the situations, the people that you want to attract, it would be a very, very different world. I would just leave it there. I, for literally most of my life, thought that whatever actions I put out into the world they would come back to me, but it's about you. It's what actions are you doing for you? What thought patterns are you saying to yourself? How are you treating yourself? And because I had no concept of self-love, I was not shown a good example of what that even means. I was not shown emotional regulation, I always thought that I had to be the best person for other people and not for myself first. Again, saying for myself first, like just even thinking about me was not even in my brain patterning. I did not know how to tap into myself, what I was actually feeling. I had no concept of actually asking myself, do you want to do this? Like, how are you actually feeling? Do you even like this person? Like, are you even feeling like you want this job? Everything in my life I was just doing on autopilot, thinking about more like outside perceptions of what other people are gonna perceive it to be for me to be a good girl, like a really good citizen, like the best daughter, the best girlfriend, the best best friend. But I never was taught how to check in on myself and thinking and even asking myself, is this what Emily wants to do? My true self, my core self, my soul self, without any of this fucking programming on me. So now we know that I was in a narcissistic dynamic, we know about my childhood programming, we know that everything that happened in our lives is literally an extension of us. So I created everything in my life, and everything that I pulled into my life was reflecting my creative field, so it's reflecting my own thought patterns, my own actions that I have to myself. So when I had a feeling, a thought pattern of oh, you know, do I really want to do this? Because that was my intuition, it was shoved back down. I was never taught to think about myself, I was never taught about how to do something for myself. So every time I had a thought pattern of like, oh, do you really want to do this? Actually, like, what do we feel right now in this moment? It got shoved back down. And every time I thought about myself, I was like, I'm thinking too much about myself, I'm thinking too much about myself, I need to think about other people first. Like, other people, like it's all about other people, it's not about me. Every time my intuition popped into my head, I was like, no, I'm thinking about myself too much, and that's where I got the narcissistic dynamic reflected back to me because in my thought patterns, in my electromagnetic field, I thought that I thought about myself too much. My brain programming was like, oh my god, if I had a tiny little snap of like thinking about myself, I would snap myself back out of it. I'd be like, Oh no, you're thinking about yourself too much, and that was on repeat in my electromagnetic field. You're thinking about yourself too much, you're thinking about yourself too much, you're thinking about yourself too much. When actually everything that is out of balance, so all your reflections is basically showing you a misperception of self, showing you where you are out of balance, so you can get back into balance, so you can get back into basically unconditional love, unconditional self-love for you because you are the fucking bloody universe. So, what is that going to do? If I have a repeating thought pattern, that's like I'm thinking about myself too much, too much, too much, it's all about me, it's all about me, it's all about me. When it wasn't, that was just a misperception. I was actually my actual actions that I was putting out to the world. I was thinking about other people so much, I was not even thinking about me, I was doing all the actions for everybody else. Again, that was not reflected back to me. So it doesn't matter about what the actions you put out into the world, it matters about your electromagnetic field and your subconscious thought patterns and my subconscious thought patterns because I was never taught about self-love, and it is okay to think about yourself, and actually, this is what we are here to do on planet earth. We are here for self-discovery to understand ourselves, and that only comes from thinking about yourself, from understanding your own emotions, your the feelings, your thought patterns, your mindset, the identity that you hold about you. But that was not taught to me, so I shoved it down. So it was very, very loud in my creative field that I'm thinking too much about myself. So I attracted a narcissist. I attracted someone that was going to reflect back to me that I think too much about myself, but this is just a misperception because I actually wasn't thinking about myself at all. I really, really hope that I'm communicating this properly. I know it sounds super complex, and that's because it is, and also when we are trying to understand a concept that hasn't been ingrained to us as children, like if this was taught to us in school, we would get it straight away. But because this is new knowledge, it's going to take quite a while for us to digest this information. But from this episode, I just want people to understand that your childhood programming is the key to where you are right now, to the reality that you have right now. If you want to change your reality, then thinking and looking in with intuition. What's in your creative field at the moment? What is the loudest thing in your creative field? If you don't know about intuition, guys, it's all good. Like we will get there with you. Just come about it from more like a scientific subconscious thought pattern way. Okay, what was my childhood programming? What kind of circumstances and examples did I see as a child? What was the repeated messaging? So, what could be loud in my creative field? Like what thought patterns, what's in my subconscious? And there's lots of different ways that you can do this, but I always like to work backwards, which is where reflections come from. See what is very loud in your reality at the moment, whatever it is, whatever kind of dynamic, whatever repeating pattern. Ask yourself what is it trying to teach me? Because it is only reflecting back what is in my electromagnetic field. Whatever you are experiencing now is an extension of you, and it is reflecting back your own energy for your highest growth, so you can understand yourself more, so you can up level, so you can get what you want in this lifetime. Now, I know that this is going to be such a huge aha moment for someone out there on the next episode, because this is like a little bit of a mini-series. I am going to talk about why other people literally cannot see the side to the narcissist that you saw. And this is again going to be from my own experience. I'm going to talk about how other people could not see what I was seeing in my reality. And I'm also going to talk about soul plans versus imbalances, and it's going to be another beautiful episode and a great aha moment for somebody out there. But I want this to come across as easily digestible, which is why I'm breaking them up. And just to put it out there, guys, I have changed my creator field, I have changed my electromagnetic field. I now every day it's the first thing that I do. I'm like, okay, Emily, how do you feel? What do you want to do today? How are we going to fucking tackle this day? What do you want to get out of this day? What's your intentions for this day, for this week, for this month, for this year? This universe, this lifetime is all about me, and I'm doing it so I can be the highest version of myself to help the people that I fucking love in this lifetime. If I'm the highest version of myself, the most funniest, funniest, wealthiest, healed is yes, that's not a fucking word, but I'm gonna go with it. Like if I am the best version of myself, then I can have the capacity to help other people around me. And because I have changed my creative field, I have not seen this narcissistic dynamic in my life for years. My boyfriend, my fiance, if you don't know, I left that emotionally abusive dynamic ages ago. I am not with that narcissist anymore, guys. And just to put it out there as well, he was only reflecting a piece of me for my own soul growth. So I fucking thank him. I thank him and I wish him the bloody best. But I am now with my soul aligned fiance who is the most supportive person ever, and he is so supportive of me because I am supportive of myself, it's about the actions that you have towards yourself, not what you put out into the world. And yes, obviously, you can put out please, please, please be the best version to other people, but put yourself first too. Like, don't fucking forget about yourself because that was most of my life, guys. I forgot about myself, and it was all about the perception of how other people were going to perceive me, and I didn't acknowledge my own intuitive needs. If you change your creative field, which is what we are here to do, we have this power, guys. We're changing our creative fields all the bloody time, just subconsciously. If you have conscious awareness of basically, first of all, that we actually have control in our lives, and then if you have conscious awareness of what your thought patterns are that you want to change, you can change them through neuroscience tools. It's been fucking done, and that's what I am going to talk about in the next episode as well, is how I reprogrammed my brain to attract the most beautiful soul into my life so I can have a fucking peaceful relationship, so I can have a peaceful reality. It doesn't mean that I'm walking around like I'm fucking I don't know on water with halo around my head and everything's bloody perfect. No, I'm always going through obstacles in my life, but I have up-leveled so much with my relationship because of how I've treated myself. And guys, if if I can do it, anyone can do it. I had this dynamic for like oh my god, it's like literally embarrassing, like 11 years and the same repeating pattern. Like my spirit team and my high self was like, she's not fucking getting it. Another year, oh my god, it's like over a decade. I was not getting the lesson. Everything is in perfect timing. I got so much experience from all these different angles, so I can help other people out there. Thank you so much for listening, guys. I know that this is really going to change someone's life out there, and that is my whole intention. I'm putting myself out there, I'm sharing all the fucking shit and all the stuff that I want to protect. Like, I want to protect my family. I bloody love my family. But that's at the end of the day, if that's what a source and my higher self want me to come out with, then that's what I'll fucking do. And I'm only doing it to help other people. Please feel free to send this to someone who is gonna have an aha moment with you. Whoever pops into your head that is the perfect person to send it to right now. Please feel free to head over to my website and get on my email list, guys. I have got so many amazing things planned. Like, I'm not even gonna put it out into the universe just yet, but honestly, get on the email list so you can be the first person in the know. Thank you so much for listening, and I will see you all in the next one.