The Burned Out B: Dear Teachers

The Truth Behind Our Silence: How Compliance Masks as Respect

• Nicole • Season 1 • Episode 6

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Have you ever swallowed your truth to keep the peace? Bitten your tongue when boundaries were crossed? Convinced yourself that your exhaustion was somehow noble?

The education system thrives on teachers who mistake compliance for respect. We're programmed from our earliest days to believe that respect means obedience, agreeability, and never making waves. But what if that definition is fundamentally broken? What if true respect looks completely different than what we've been taught?

This episode challenges the core belief that speaking up is somehow disrespectful. Using James Baldwin's profound insight that "if I love you, I have to make you conscious of the things you don't see," we explore how honest communication actually demonstrates deeper respect than silent compliance ever could. When you clearly state your boundaries, you not only honor yourself but give others the opportunity to meet you there with genuine support.

The language of non-compliance reveals our conditioning: disobedient, defiant, unruly, insubordinate. These words carry such negative weight that we'll sacrifice our wellbeing rather than risk being labeled "difficult." But your discomfort is not disrespect. Your honesty is not aggression. And respecting someone means believing they're capable of doing better, not enabling their worst patterns.

Ask yourself: Where have you been mistaking silence for respect? Where have you respected someone else more than yourself? Who deserves to be seen for their potential instead of tolerated in their patterns? Your answers might just set you free.

Share your reflections with us on Instagram @theburnedoutb. Remember that vulnerability, just like we tell our students, helps others learn and grow too.

Thanks for listening!

Connect with me on instagram: @theburnedoutb

I'd love for you to message me what you thought, what it made you think about, your reflections, and of course I want to know what's been coming up for you in the classroom! I will never name names...unless you ask me to!

Speaker 1:

Welcome to the Burned Out Bee, dear teachers, the podcast for educators who are two seconds away from flipping a desk but still somehow remember to take attendance. Or maybe you didn't somehow remembered to take attendance, or maybe you didn't. I'm Nicole, the burned out bee, who's a former classroom teacher, curriculum builder, interrupter of bullshit and professional wearer of the I'm fine mask Around. Here we say the quiet parts out loud, we call out the systems that run on guilt, glitter and unpaid labor, and we absolutely do not accept toxic positivity as a wellness plan. Grab your lukewarm coffee, lock your classroom door and take a breath. You're home. You were taught that respect meant staying quiet, nodding along, smoothing it over, not making anyone uncomfortable. But let's be clear Respect isn't about shrinking to make other people feel safe, and especially to make other people feel safe in staying small. It's not about biting your tongue while your boundaries get set on fire and it is definitely not about rewarding poor behavior with politeness. Welcome to the Burned Out Bee, where we unlearn all the dysfunctional programming that told you that exhaustion was noble and that your silence was professional. I'm Nicole, a former classroom teacher, lifelong question asker and a little bit of a loud mouth, with a nervous system degree in surviving institutional gaslighting and compliance is not respectful. And no, you're not being disrespectful, just because you finally said the thing out loud. And I also want to be clear that I know we talk a lot in professional development about, you know, student compliance not being the same thing as a student respecting you, and I'm asking you to turn that inwards.

Speaker 1:

So let's talk about the lie that we learned From the time that we were little, and very much especially in school. We were taught that respect means obeying the rules, not questioning authority. Just do what you're told, keeping the peace and being agreeable. And on that, keeping the peace and being agreeable, I kind of it takes me back to being explained by an adult what the word compromise means and that compromise was such a great thing to do, and I don't think that that's wrong per se, but what is wrong is stuffing down your own wants and needs in order to do so, in order to quote unquote compromise, when really you're just being compliant and you're not actually getting any benefit or any value out of that compromise.

Speaker 1:

Now, we were taught to obey and not question authority, and this is especially true if you're a woman we were all taught to be. You know good girls. And what does being a good girl mean? It means that you don't question. It means that you're caring, it means that you're empathetic. Your job and here's the thing. We don't see ourselves that way in those moments.

Speaker 1:

But if you're really honest with yourself, there are places your energy didn't want to go, that internal feeling of I don't want to go, that internal feeling of I don't want to. I'm not feeling very worky today, but that just feels like the norm. And so if I'm telling you that those things are not respect, then what is actually respect? Because it's not blind obedience, it's not going along to get along, and it's not dysfunction that we label as teamwork. So here's what, in my opinion, my truth of what respect really is.

Speaker 1:

I believe that respect is telling the truth. I believe that respect is showing up in integrity, and I believe that respect is honoring your own boundaries and expecting others to meet you there If they don't. You have your answer Now giving somebody the respect of being honest and clear about your boundaries and what is true for you in standing in that statement. That is respectful. That is you being honest with somebody. Your boundaries are non-negotiable and when you do negotiate your boundaries. What you need to understand is that you are abandoning yourself, and not only are you abandoning yourself, but you are robbing the other party of the opportunity to change their actions to something that is really actually supportive to you. And maybe they will change their actions to be truly supportive of you. Maybe they won't, but you will never know if you do not first stand in your truth and I know that that's really scary Giving somebody the opportunity to not support you, to disappoint you. I know that those are things that I personally would take steps to. I don't know if I want to say cover for, but I would set up a situation so that somebody would not disappoint me. I would make it so easy for them that there was no possible way that this could come back as a disappointment for me. I ended up doing a lot of extra work that way and a lot of extra anxiousness and nervous energy and, frankly, just not a fun, energetic soup to sit in, and I know that you know what I'm talking about. I would assert that either way, whether somebody does end up changing their actions to truly support you or whether they do not, that having the answer and knowing is a far better feeling than wondering and waiting for the support that you haven't even asked for or made known.

Speaker 1:

James Baldwin was a writer and a civil rights activist, and this is maybe my favorite quote of all time, at least right now it is. He said if I love you, I have to make you conscious of the things that you don't see. Wow, if I love you, I have to make you conscious of the things that you don't see. What that quote means to me is that if I truly care about you and I care about the space that we're in and I care about the relationship like I cared about my job and my relationships there, it is my obligation to speak up. It is my obligation to say hey, you don't see how we're struggling here, here's what's going on. Don't see how we're struggling here, here's what's going on. And I'm going to say that it is our responsibility to hold others to their highest good and to their highest frequency.

Speaker 1:

When I say that, what I really mean is that it's not respectful to enable somebody's worst behavior just because they're your boss, your friend, your coworker, your partner, and it's not respectful to yourself to mistake people pleasing for professionalism. I was there, bees, I was there. I was the yes girl. Are you the yes girl? Are you the yes guy? Are you saying yes to everything because that's what you're supposed to do, because this is your job? Well, saying yes is not in your contract. Your contract is your contract and following that is your professionalism. Understand that that goes both ways. That is your professionalism. Understand that that goes both ways. The protections that are ought to be there for you. That's the other side of that contract and that's the one that we don't address because we are scared. And when I say that we owe it to others to hold them to their own highest good, I'm also saying that we don't let somebody coast on mediocrity when we know they're capable of more.

Speaker 1:

Respecting somebody, including your administration, including your boss, means believing that they can do better and being willing to ask them to do better, not from shame and not with shame over the fact that it's something that you couldn't handle in your classroom. That's not shameful. That's you saying I need support here. That's you saying I need support here. So why do we confuse compliance with respect? Y'all, we have been trained from birth to confuse compliance with respect. We've been trained to associate respect with submission because it makes us easier to manage. But that's not respect, that is fear, because your energy never wanted to do that thing, it never wanted to go to the after-school staff meeting on a Friday, it never wanted to take on lunch detention and give up your precious 30 minutes of quiet.

Speaker 1:

And then, when you acknowledge to yourself that that wasn't what you signed up for and you didn't want that, we don't draw the boundary there either, because I said I would do it and it would be disrespectful to back out now. And it would be disrespectful to back out now. But when you don't go back and draw that boundary, you are again abandoning yourself. Why are you doing that to yourself? Love you? We go and we call those things respect so that nobody has to actually deal with the discomfort of accountability, including ourselves. We don't hold ourselves accountable to tell the truth. We allow ourselves to whitewash it and not set the boundary. Do you think that you're not worth it? I think that you're worth it and this is why, when we finally stand up and we finally say, hey, this isn't working, something is wrong here, then we get called aggressive or difficult or disrespectful. But let's get one thing straight here your discomfort is not disrespect and your honesty is not aggression when you feel unsafe or singled out, especially and I know that this is happening in classrooms. It happened to me over and over and over again and it happens to a lot of female teachers honestly, especially ones that are small or young. We know when somebody's looking at us predatorily, you feel that and you don't have to ignore that feeling. You don't have to assume the best about that. You are within your rights to draw the boundary there and say I'm not doing this one, this one's not for me. Figure it out Language-wise.

Speaker 1:

If you look at the words that mean non-compliant because we're talking about compliance in that relationship you know that false relationship with respect. If we look at the words that are synonyms with non-compliant, they all have very negative connotations and we all took the SAT, so like we are used to doing these associations. So here are those words Disobedient, defiant, unruly, recalcitrant, insubordinate, contrary, rebellious, uncooperative, incompliant, resistant. These are all of the things that we are so afraid to be called. We are afraid for that to be our perception. We are afraid for that to be our perception because we perceive those as bad. That's not being a good girl. I'm not going to not be a good girl.

Speaker 1:

I'm asserting here that the opposite of compliance is not disrespect but respect for self. It's the opposite of self-abandonment. It is your truth. You don't need to shy away from your truth and you don't need to be ashamed of your truth. So what does respect sound like or look like? It looks like telling the truth when it's uncomfortable and you know that feeling. It's kind of like a little like. It's almost like a tickle on the inside, but not a good tickle. It's like a wavy, weird tickle of like oh gosh, this is uncomfortable, I don't want to say this thing, but it is gnawing at like it's trying to come out Saying I hear you and I'm going to need a different solution here. Nothing about that was disrespectful.

Speaker 1:

Or saying I care enough to not lie to you right now. I'm going to say it now. I care enough to not lie to you right now. I'm going to say it now. I care enough to not lie to you right now. And this kind of respect it might ruffle some feathers, it might disappoint people. I'm going to tell you that those people are focused on compliance to the system, whether that is conscious or whether that is subconscious. Compliance to the system, whether that is conscious or whether that is subconscious. There are always going to be other opinions, and that's valid. That's all right, and it might even make you feel or look like a black sheep, but it will also make you free.

Speaker 1:

I challenge you to find a small way to stand in your truth and to say the truth that you wouldn't normally say. See how that feels If you think you're addicted to your wine night. Just you wait. So I want you to ask yourself where have you been mistaking silence for respect? Where have you respected somebody else more than you have respected yourself, and who in your life deserves to be seen for their potential and not just tolerated in their patterns? If this episode hits, then I think you're realizing that you've been gaslighting yourself in the name of keeping the peace.

Speaker 1:

If this episode hits, I want to hear from you. I want to hear your answers to those questions. Where have you been mistaking silence for respect? Where have you respected someone more than you've respected yourself? I want to know. Let me know on Instagram at theburnedoutbee If you want to stay anonymous. Just let me know. But remember that our vulnerability, just like we tell our students, helps others learn and grow too, and so I ask you to share that with others, anonymously or not, and thanks for being here with me today.

Speaker 1:

Bees, I'll catch you on the next one, where we're going to take a deep dive into empathy. How much is too much and at what point is it not helping anymore but actually hurting both you and others? Thanks for listening to the Burned Out Bee, dear teachers. If it hit you in the soul or in the sarcasm gland, send it to your teacher bestie. You know the one. Follow the show, smash that subscribe button like it's a broken copy machine, and come hang out on Instagram at theburnedoutb, where the real talk continues. And remember you weren't meant to be a martyr with a lanyard, you were meant to rise. See you next time B.