The Burned Out B: Dear Teachers

Martyrs with Lanyards: When Giving Becomes Self-Abandonment

• Nicole • Season 1 • Episode 7

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Ever feel like your compassion as a teacher is being extracted until you're bone dry? You're not alone. 

The education system masterfully reframes self-sacrifice as noble empathy while demanding teachers empty themselves for students who often aren't meeting them halfway. We stay after hours helping students who refused to engage during class time, sacrificing our own families in the process. We keep disruptive students in our rooms despite our gut instincts, endangering everyone's wellbeing. We're given mere minutes between chaotic incidents to regulate before plastering on smiles and continuing our duties.

This extractive model teaches a dangerous lesson to both our students and our own children: that self-abandonment equals love. When students disengage, the blame falls on us for not being "engaging enough," transforming our empathy into exhausting overperformance. As Nicole powerfully states, "Empathy without boundaries doesn't make you noble, it makes you invisible."

True, healthy empathy looks drastically different. It includes boundaries. It acknowledges both sides. It says, "I can hear you AND here's what I need too." It recognizes that compassion that doesn't include yourself isn't sustainable. The next time you're asked to stay late or swallow your truth, ask yourself: whose needs are being met, and at what cost? Remember that "empathy without boundaries isn't compassion, it's compliance in a softer outfit."

Share your stories about giving empathy that empties you by messaging @theburnedoutb on Instagram. Subscribe now and join a community that's refusing to be martyrs with lanyards – because you were meant to rise.

Thanks for listening!

Connect with me on instagram: @theburnedoutb

I'd love for you to message me what you thought, what it made you think about, your reflections, and of course I want to know what's been coming up for you in the classroom! I will never name names...unless you ask me to!

Speaker 1:

Welcome to the Burned Out Bee, dear teachers, the podcast for educators who are two seconds away from flipping a desk but still somehow remember to take attendance. Or maybe you didn't somehow remembered to take attendance, or maybe you didn't. I'm Nicole the burned out bee, who's a former classroom teacher, curriculum builder, interrupter of bullshit and professional wearer of the I'm fine mask Around. Here we say the quiet parts out loud. We call out the systems that run on guilt, glitter and unpaid labor and we absolutely do not accept toxic positivity as a wellness plan. Grab your lukewarm coffee, lock your classroom. Welcome to the Burned Out Bee, dear teachers, where we stop calling exhaustion noble and start calling the system what it really is. I'm Nicole, a former classroom teacher, a lifelong question asker and a woman who has been guilted into staying after more times than I would care to admit. And today we're tackling empathy, and not the shiny version that gets you the end-of-the-year teacher mugs, but the kind that gets extracted from you until your bone dry. So let me paint you a picture. Like you, I have stayed after school on nights where I could have been at my own kids' games and practices, because I was guilted into helping students who refused to pick up the pencil the first time. Oh, it wasn't their fault. They have a lot going on in life, right, right? I've been told that I couldn't remove a disruptive student from class because it would negatively impact her, only to watch her then start a physical fight with one of her best friends that in some way harmed everyone else in that classroom. And after chaos like that, I've had five minutes of passing period to swallow it down, push it down, plaster on a smile, and all while monitoring the hallways, because everyone's participation is expected to keep our hallways safe. If you've been there, then you know how heavy this is and you know how the story is always spun. Give them empathy. If you'd given more empathy, if you understood, if you built that, wow.

Speaker 1:

So we're told and taught, and it's expected of us that our empathy means that we stay late, that we bend over backwards and that we put everybody else's needs above our own. But let's look a little bit closer at these stories. When I stayed late and instead of going to my own child's game, that empathy turned into abandoning my own family to carry somebody else's refusal to engage. When I was told to keep a destructive and disruptive student in class, that empathy for one turned into harm for 20 others and myself. And when I had five minutes to regulate in the midst of hallway duty, empathy meant performance and it meant pretending that I was fine while I shoved my nervous system into silence. That's not empathy, that's extraction.

Speaker 1:

So when we stay after and give extra time and extra energy to students who refuse to engage the first time and a lot of us have done this and thought well, the world doesn't give second chances and the argument that we get back from our administration is well, they're not in that world yet, they need to learn that world we're not providing that opportunity. We're sacrificing time with our blood children, outsourcing our own children's needs so that we can be there for kids who are not meeting us halfway. It reinforces the belief for us that their avoidance is our responsibility and it also tells our own children our blood children, if you will that their needs are actually negotiable, while others' needs are absolute. I don't even want to think about what my children thought about that. I don't want to think about what that meant to them, in their hearts and in their souls. And this empathy also trains us to override our gut of. I really feel like I should be there at my kid's thing, and the truth is that real empathy actually honors both sides. It would have looked like I see you struggling. This is also your responsibility. I can't give you what you refuse to give yourself.

Speaker 1:

We commonly come up against the complaint that students are bored, and we all know, because we are there, that this is because they're not engaged. They're refusing to engage and instead of recognizing student disengagement as their choice, the narrative gets reflected back on us in the classroom, in the trenches, that if they didn't do their work, that you have now failed. You empathize with their boredom while dismissing your own exhaustion and your own frustration, and we end up twisting empathy into overperformance. That one I got to say again we twist our own empathy into overperformance. I need to be funnier. I need to be even more engaging. I need to have a full three ring circus around this lesson so that I can capture them all, instead of expecting them to show up for themselves. But honestly, how can we expect them to show up for themselves when we're not modeling that behavior, we're not showing up for ourselves and we're allowing ourselves to be taken advantage of in this way and we abandon that self-empathy by absorbing shame that actually doesn't belong to us Y'all. That shame doesn't belong to you. Empathy is not rescuing people from the consequences of their own choices. Empathy is not rescuing people from the consequences of their own choices, self-empathy would have said. I'm already showing up. Their work is theirs Now with that disruptive student and yes, I'm talking about a specific case scenario, but we could put you know five, six of those in any one semester of our year and it is the same story.

Speaker 1:

You know it and I know it. I was told that sending that student out, putting them in ISI or having them work in a different location, would negatively impact their, and so I kept her in and she started a fight. So that fight. By the way, she was bored, also hadn't done any work, but gosh, dang it. She was bored and that was my responsibility to entertain Sometimes.

Speaker 1:

Do you ever just feel like Maximus in oh my gosh, the Gladiator? That was the movie. You ever feel like Maximus. And oh my gosh, the Gladiator, that was the movie. You ever feel like Maximus and be like, are you not entertained? Felt like that every day. Every day, as a teacher, your empathy gets weaponized against you because it's going to hurt that student if you don't let them stay and giving that student compassion, you abandon compassion for the 20 to 30 other students in that class and yourself and you're left to carry the emotional wreckage alone and in silence. And the truth here was that having empathy without boundaries endangers everyone, and self-empathy would have validated my gut instinct to protect the room and it would have said my respect for myself and the others here matters too, the others here matters too.

Speaker 1:

Now, after that, after that, when I had five minutes to shove those emotions down and get myself back on duty, all while smiling, greeting and regulating kids that I didn't even know because, holy duty, right that forced me into performance, empathy, be warm and welcoming, when actually I'm completely overwhelmed and still a little bit shaky. Self-empathy there was denied no time, no space, no acknowledgement of the nervous system. Now I have ways to regulate that in very, very short order and that's what I share with other teachers in our Dear Teachers programs. But then I had none of that. I was like sniffing, like inhaling, huffing essential oils, peppermint, to try and regulate this peppermint and lavender just all the way in.

Speaker 1:

Now the truth here is that empathy for others at the expense of my own nervous system was not a sustainable action. Self-empathy would have looked like. Taking even just a few moments to acknowledge that that was a lot. I need to take a couple breaths and also the recognition that if I had really forced the issue and listened to my gut the first time, this was entirely preventable.

Speaker 1:

So, most of the time, what we're actually doing here is self-sacrifice, and we confuse that with the concept of empathy, because I mean, essentially, the system runs smoother when teachers just give a little bit more. We get rewarded with fake gold stars and, you know, coffee mugs. Sometimes we even get like a little padfolio. It might have the name of your school spelled correctly on it, or it might be a secondhand purchase that the vendor had spelled somebody else's high school name wrong and your school got a really, really good deal on it. Yeah, that happened, and deep down, we have this fear that if we stop over empathizing, that, we will be seen as harsh. Well, that wouldn't be. You know very good girl, to be seen as harsh. No, that's, that's the. We get the bitch adjective with that one.

Speaker 1:

Here's the truth, though. Empathy without boundaries doesn't make you noble, it makes you invisible, and when you string all of these stories together, the pattern becomes really very clear Empathy is demanded outward, self-empathy is denied inward, and the result is self-abandonment, guilt, resentment and modeling to students that love means overextending until you break. Also modeling to students that there's always another chance and I will literally always be here to save your bacon and to force you to get your stuff done. Does anybody actually want to live like that? I don't even think our students want to live like that. I think that it's just a really comfortable pattern to fall into because they know that nobody will let them fail in any aspect.

Speaker 1:

So what does healthy empathy actually look like? I can hear you and here's what I need too. I care about you, but I won't abandon myself to prove it. Your pain is real and so is mine. Healthy empathy might disappoint people and it might not look nice, but really, do you want to look nice while you're dead inside? Like you could be totally dead and totally numb inside, but like at least you look nice?

Speaker 1:

Do you understand how stupid that sounds nice? Do you understand how stupid that sounds? I did it, I get it. That's why I can say it. That's stupid, it's not sustainable and it models to all of your students and to your blood children that compassion doesn't include yourself. Include yourself. I want at least my blood children to have compassion that includes themselves. So I have to model. That Turns out. When I do model self-empathy, that feels pretty nice for me. That's a good feeling. You should try it.

Speaker 1:

So this week I would love if you would ask yourself where am I giving empathy that empties me, instead of giving empathy instead of boundaries? Because empathy without boundaries isn't compassion, it's compliance in a softer outfit, compliance in athleisure. Oh, that sounded right. Then I said I love athleisure. So the next time that you're asked to stay late or to swallow your truth, I want you to ask yourself whose needs are being met here and at what cost. And I would love to hear your stories about where you have given empathy that empties you and why.

Speaker 1:

You can do it totally anonymously. I would never say your name unless you tell me that I can Send them at theburnedoutb. That's theburnedout, the letter B on Instagram. I would love to hear from you If this episode dragged any skeletons out of your filing cabinet. Just know same Thanks for listening to the Burned Out Bee. Dear teachers, if it hit you in the soul or in the sarcasm gland, send it to your teacher bestie. You know the one. Follow the show. Smash that subscribe button like it's a broken copy machine and come hang out on Instagram at theburnedoutbee, where the real talk continues, and remember you weren't meant to be a martyr with a lanyard, you were meant to rise. See you next time, bee.