Chicken Or Steak Broke Me

A harmless question can be the last straw. When my husband asked, “Chicken or steak?” I didn’t hear dinner plans, I heard one more decision I couldn’t hold. That moment opens the door to a deeper truth for so many moms: the mental load isn’t just tasks, it’s the constant scanning, predicting, timing, and emotional management that keeps a home running. When your brain believes everything only works because you’re holding it together, even “quick” requests feel like a threat to the entire day. 

I break down what I call the effort trap, the pattern where we quietly take full responsibility for everything working and everyone being okay. We talk about how this cognitive load changes as kids grow, why your family often can’t see the invisible system you’re managing, and why “just sit down and relax” can trigger instant rage. More importantly, we explore the uncomfortable but freeing reality that the world doesn’t fall apart when you do less. It may feel messier at first, but that discomfort is also where capability is built for your kids and where your own nervous system can finally learn safety without over-functioning. 

You’ll leave with four practical experiments to try this week: let something be done imperfectly, stop pre-solving one problem, let someone else figure something out, and sit down at a time you normally wouldn’t, then notice what happens in your body. If you want deeper support, I also share details on my free two-day workshop that walks through all 10 blocks that keep parents on the edge. Subscribe, share this with a parent who’s carrying too much, and leave a review so more families can find a calmer way forward.

Thanks for listening! 

Go deeper and continue the conversation with me on instagram: @theburnedoutb

I'd love for you to message me what you thought, what it made you think about, your reflections, and of course what’s been coming up for your or causing you to feel ungrounded lately. I will never share your name or info unless you say it’s okay!

Transcript

Tempo: 120.0

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Hey mama, if you're exhausted from reacting to the world instead of shaping it, you're in the right place. This is Mama. Where we stop hearing from hearing, and we stop parity from you. You okay? The future of our planet. So no pressure. But also kind of pressure. Let's do this consciously. Welcome back. Today I want to start with a story after a really long day at work, but actually it wasn't really that different than any other day at work, where my brain was absolutely done. And my husband, this sweet, well-meaning man, looks at me as I walk in the door and goes, Hey, chicken or steak for dinner. And I lost it. Like full system shut down, like before I ran to the bedroom and burst into tears. Why? Like, I couldn't tell you in that moment why, except for it was just too much, too much stimulation, too much everything. I couldn't think one more thought. I couldn't make one more decision. And I remember thinking later, like, oh my gosh, that poor man. Because from his perspective, he asked the most innocent, normal, and helpful question. Like it was very deferential to what did I want? He's literally trying to make me dinner. He's giving me options. And from my perspective, it was if one more thing is placed on my brain, I will not survive this moment. Like, imagine what he must have been thinking. Imagine what everyone in my house must have been thinking. And it's funny now, but also it wasn't about the chicken or the steak. You see, there's a belief running underneath a lot of motherhood that we sometimes say out loud, but we just accept it as fact that everything only works because I am holding it together. And the really scary part about that is that most of us never test that belief. Because deep down, we truly believe that if we stop, everything will fall apart. I call it the effort trap. And it's one of the 10 blocks that I've identified that keep parents feeling like they are one inch from losing it. The effort trap isn't just that you do a lot, because you do, it's that you've quietly taken full responsibility for everything working, for everything running smoothly, and for everyone being okay. And over time, your brain starts to believe that if I don't do it, it won't happen. If I don't manage it, it will go sideways. And if I don't hold it, everything drops. You're not just packing the diaper bag. You're packing like, what if they get hungry? What if they spill? What if they melt down? What if something goes wrong? And even when you're out, you're not actually out. You're scanning, you're watching, you're anticipating. And when they're little, it looks like managing the moments, every moment. When they're older, it looks like managing their entire ecosystem, their emotions, their friendships, their school experience, their future. And because it's so important, it's their entire future, right? And half of it, I would even go more than half of it, they don't even know that you're carrying it. This is why your tween looks at you with completely blank face when they say, Can you just go pick up my friend real quick? I told her we would. And in your mind, you're like, real quick, excuse me. Because your brain, when they ask that, just ran through. Where are my keys? What time is it? What else am I in the middle of? Who else needs to be where? What does what does this do to the rest of my afternoon? And do you just want me to drop everything that I'm doing to do this for you real quick? And they're just standing there like, I don't understand why it's a big deal. Or let's go to another scenario. I need my red shirt for Spirit Day in 10 minutes. And your brain instantly goes, Oh my gosh, is it clean? Is it in the laundry? Did I turn the laundry over? Is it in the car? Do we even have one? Do I have one that I can loan you? And what else has to happen before we leave this house? Oh, yeah, all the normal stuff. And they're just looking at you like, well, don't you have this handled? Because they don't see the system. And because they don't see the system, they assume that the system is simple. And when someone says, Why don't you just sit down a minute? Why don't you relax? And then you feel like a flash of absolute rage. Because in your body, the truth is, I can't relax. If I don't do this next thing, the entire series of dominoes stops. Like everything that you have already set in motion, everything that you are holding together, every single thing that depends on timing and sequencing and remembering, it'll just stall out. And then again, no one else even knows that these dominoes in your brain exist. Now, you didn't end up here because anything is wrong with you. You ended up here because you care, you're capable, and you can see what needs to be done. And no one stopped you from picking it all up. But here's the part that might feel a little bit more uncomfortable. The world doesn't actually fall apart when you do less. Let me say that one more time, just for the folks in the back. The world does not actually fall apart if you do less. Yeah, I feel uncomfortable thinking about that. Like a little bit of resistance comes up in me too, even though I have been doing this work. So what you're feeling is not abnormal. It is totally normal. That is your nervous system protecting you from something unknown. It might feel different, it might feel messier, it might feel slower. And I'm laughing a little bit because I'm thinking about allowing my children to do the dishes, allowing them to learn that process without my interference. And we don't want to look at that part. But that's where something really important happens. That is how our kids learn to self-serve. Not because we taught them perfectly, but because we didn't do everything for them. Because when we, when the moms, when we carry the entire cognitive load, our kids don't have to think ahead. Someone in your sphere might struggle. You are struggling. You're just taking it on for them instead of allowing it to be theirs. There is a few things that are actually happening here. Number one, we're removing the opportunity for others around us, our children, and in some cases our husbands, to become capable. Number two, we're keeping people stuck. We're doing the opposite of help. They start to believe either, well, I can't do this. That's a mom thing, or ah, mom's got it. No big deal. Number three, we're blocking connection. And that truly is the opposite of what we want to be doing. Because your family loves you. Your family actually wants to help you. And when they do, they're gonna feel really good about themselves. Even if it comes with a little bit of attitude. Like, do I have to take this trash out? Yes, you do. And also, it feels good for them to contribute, even if they don't say it to your face. So, in trying to make everything easier, we're making ourselves the only one carrying it. And then there's this one, because we already acknowledge that this is going to be an uncomfortable process, and you then have to tolerate that discomfort. I said we come back to it later. Here we are. We have to tolerate the discomfort of not fixing it for them. Well, get real comfy, queen, because that's where the growth lives for you and your kids. Both of us get it in one shot. It's a twofer. Because we say that we want capable kids, but capability is built in discomfort. And when you avoid your discomfort for their struggle, you also remove their discomfort and therefore remove their growth. When you stay in it, when you stay in that discomfort, y'all, you're modeling growth in real time. So this week, let's try this. Instead of asking, how can I do all of this better? What would happen if you asked, what am I holding that I don't actually need to be holding? And just as like a little challenge, let's try maybe pick one of these experiments to try. Maybe let something be done imperfectly. Oh, the audacity of that. How about don't pre-solve one problem this week? Don't already go and solve the problem that your child doesn't know that they have yet. Number three, let someone else figure something out for themselves. I think that you're gonna find a little bit of joy in the process of watching them figure it, watching their little wheels turn. And my fourth experiment, sit down. At a time that you wouldn't normally, when you think you have something else to do, take a moment, pause, sit down. It's going to feel uncomfortable. Because in these moments, when you notice what happens in your body, so it's the experiment one through four, let something be done imperfectly. Don't pre-solve a problem. Let someone else figure something out or sit down. When you do one of those four things, I want you to notice what happens in your body. You're probably going to experience some resistance, and that's okay. Because on the other side of that resistance, that's your growth. That's your potential for freedom. And if you're listening thinking, okay, but how do I actually say this? How do I not just take it back over? Well, my secret is that I leave the room. I can't trust myself to keep my hands out of whatever they're trying to figure out. So I have to leave the room, come back later, and see what they have done, see what they have figured out. But if you're thinking, okay, how do I say this? How do I even make it sound like a good idea that, you know, we go on this new journey of them figuring out their own stuff? Well, there are very specific ways to do that neurolinguistically, not just what to say, but how to say it in a way that builds capacity, that builds cooperation, and that keeps your nervous system steady. And if this hit for you, well, this is just one of the 10 blocks that I see over and over again in parents who feel like they're on the edge. Either constantly or every couple days. I'm hosting a free two-day workshop where I'll walk you through all 10 of these blocks so that you can start shifting your way out of this in a way that actually works with your real life, that doesn't ask you to be something else somewhere else, some other way that doesn't ask your kid to be some other way, somewhere else, someone else. Because the goal isn't perfection, it's becoming a parent whose parenting ecosystem actually works for them. One that feels easier, less stressful, more peaceful, to be a parent who feels unshakable, clear, connected, and whose parenting life works for them without it costing all of your life force and energy. So if this episode hit for you, if you can see yourself in this block, then I want you to join me for the free two-day workshop where I'm going to walk you through all 10 of the blocks that keep parents feeling like they're carrying too much. SoulShine Parenting starts May 22nd at 12 p.m. Pacific. So go ahead and mark your calendar now because a more connected, more grounded, more resilient and just world, it doesn't start with systems. It starts at home, in the small moments, in the honest moments you have with your children, and in the moments where you pause, regulate, and choose to show up differently. This has been Mom Bomb. I'll see you next time, peace. Remember, the world doesn't change from the top down. It changes from your kitchen table out. If this hit, subscribe. If it strips something, sit with it. And if it's how much how we will see you next time.