The Women Are Plotting

Hobosexuals - The Savant of Oral Sex and the Bean Soup Incident

• Etienne Rose Olivier, Jane Gari, Heidi Willis • Season 1 • Episode 4

Share episode

The unexpected phenomenon of "hobosexuals" takes center stage in this eye-opening episode that will have you reconsidering your dating boundaries. We unpack the surprising definition of hobosexuals and you'll be surprised how long this term has been around!

Shocking statistics reveal the prevalence of financially motivated dating. The classic warning signs emerge through hilarious personal stories: rapid relationship acceleration, mysterious housing insecurity, and exceptional bedroom skills used as manipulation tools.

Our hosts share their close encounters with potential hobosexuals, from the "savant of oral sex" living in a garage with bunk beds to "Pighair," a homeless man who attempted to convert a simple act of kindness (and 13-bean soup) into a permanent living situation. These cautionary tales highlight how these relationship opportunists target empathetic people, particularly caregivers already conditioned to nurture others.

What distinguishes hobosexuals from sugar relationships is the element of deception rather than explicit understanding. As we navigate modern dating's complexities, perhaps our most valuable takeaway is this: whether you're living alone or with roommates, be wary of anyone who seems more interested in your address than in you. Have you encountered a hobosexual? Share your stories with us on social media or email (info@thewomenareplotting.com)

Send us a text

Email us at info@thewomenareplotting.com, and find us on all the socials. Be safe and be excellent to each other.

Etienne:

Welcome listeners. This is Women Are Plotting. I'm Etienne Rose Olivier, and I'm here with my friends and co-hosts Heidi Willis and Jane Gari. Today our episode is hobosexuals, so Heidi is going to start us off with her fun fact telling us what are hobosexuals.

Heidi:

So a hobosexual, according to the urban dictionary, is someone who enters or fakes a relationship to avoid homelessness. So they say man trevor is such a hobosexual, what's he gonna do when he runs out of girls that will let him live with them? So that's what they're using it in a sentence.

Etienne:

It's immediately labeled hobosexual. Well, my fun fact hopefully nobody else you don't have this one, jane is that the Connie Britton series Dirty John is based on a very famous hobosexual named John Meehan and he pretended to be an anesthesiologist and, yeah, he went out of his way and she was a very well off interior designer, in Southern California, I believe and yeah, they got married and he ended up getting killed. He ended up getting murdered in real life, murdered by one of her daughters because he had approached her on the top of some parking garage and she fatally injured him and he died the next day. So, yeah, I actually watched that series. That was good, but it was so long ago I don't remember the specifics, but it was Eric Bana played.

Etienne:

John

Etienne:

Meehan, I'm like dude, I might've fallen for that too.

Etienne:

You can pretend to be an anesthesiologist.

Etienne:

if it's going to look like Eric Bana, I'm fine with that.

Jane:

I wonder if homosexuals just have to be good looking.

Heidi:

Yeah, they use their looks and their sexual prowess to lure women.

Etienne:

They just have to be attractive to whoever the woman is, and I think they usually do it through the sex, like how well they are, how good they're in bed, and God knows, we need more men who are good in bed, so you know, if they're homeless, maybe that's the, that's the trade off, I don't know. But I think also the definition of hobosexual is the manipulation so they're doing. They're using their skills to get into the women's lives.

Jane:

And you know and I, I was surprised to learn just how long this term has been around, um, because I had not heard it until the two of you educated me on it um, I didn't know that it goes even back to like the 70s. I thought that that was crazy. I had never heard it before. I know what it is, I've seen it, I've experienced it kind of.

Jane:

But so the fun fact I was looking into are there any stats on this?

Etienne:

Oh shit, are there stats?

Jane:

Not one to one, but there was a study in the UK a couple years ago that showed like one in five people in long-term relationships have engaged in a financially motivated dating behavior like that trying to get to housing security or financial security. There's kind of some manipulation there, of like, okay, maybe he'll let me live with him, you know, and then I won't have to pay as much rent. We're immediately thinking like a dude, right, because that's our experience.

Jane:

And then in 2019, in the United States, there was a Statista study that showed that 10% of online dating app users had engaged in similar behavior, specifically to get a more stable living situation and I was wondering if it could be broken down by state and if you could make some kind of correlation between like well, in California the housing is really expensive. More people are trying to get off the couch surfing circuit and make their way into a steady relationship and they're just going to date their way into better housing and I just thought what a sad commentary on things. But I can see this happening easily. It has to be like over someone experiencing homelessness coming up to me and being like hey, you want to go out, baby. That's how I was thinking about it. But it's not always like that.

Jane:

Sometimes it's just someone trying to get that better apartment, but they don't care about you

Etienne:

when I was reading over and over, when I was looking up, trying to find a fun fact for today, is that a lot of people who are talking about like not scientifically talking about hobosexuals, but like people who've written blog posts or whatever about hobosexuals, and all of them started out saying you meet him on sunday, you have amazing sex, he really really likes you, and by friday he's living with you and he's driving your car and he usually doesn't have steady work either, so it's like he literally has nothing and he just takes you for everything that he can

Heidi:

yep, he's eating your food.

Jane:

That is actually how oh my God eating your food. Yes, I had somebody who tried to do that to me and I was kind of dating them because I was in a relationship where we had gotten to a crossroads where we said we should see other people because we just weren't sure if we were going to kind of make it and we're like let's just see other people. So this was somebody that I'm not very proud of this, but I met them in this back in the AOL chat room days. I met him in an AOL chat room.

Etienne:

Oh, my God

Jane:

This is so bad.  Yeah, and we were both into raves and stuff, and we were both gonna be at the same club in the city and we were describing like this before online dating, and and there's no texting, there's no smartphones, there's no send me a pic. We're literally describing what we looked like so that we could then find each other at this club.

Etienne:

Oh

Jane:

And then immediately he just gloms on to me and you know he already had my phone number and then he immediately went into some kind of weird mental health crisis where now his sister is calling me and asking me like come help, he's in the hospital, he had an episode and he really needs his girlfriend right now. Like wait what? Like I just

Heidi:

we just met.

Etienne:

Girlfriend, did you not? We didn't even have sex yet.

Jane:

No, no

Heidi:

Oh my God.

Etienne:

Oh my God, you didn't even have sex yet. You're his girlfriend.

Jane:

No, we had made out once.

Etienne:

Well, I guess this is we're in grade school and that means you're his girlfriend for life.

Heidi:

Oh, shit.

Jane:

 And now I am his emergency contact. Yes, so I felt terrible See, this is part of the manipulation thing, right? And went to pick him up at the hospital. He has no job, he has no car, he has no prospects. Everything he owns fits in like a backpack. And he is asking if he can come live with me and I was like

Etienne:

You'll never get rid of him.

Etienne:

You would be like there forever.

Jane:

Oh, no

Etienne:

yeah

Jane:

Like what is happening.

Heidi:

But this happens to women all the time. There's articles written about this.

Jane:

Yes, yes. Anyway, that's really as close as I get to a hobosexual story, because I felt it happening and I felt part of myself wanting to say yes, because I felt terrible for him. But then I was like he's been living on a sister's couch for like a while and I think she was so excited that she was like, oh good, good.

Heidi:

She's ready to take him off my hands.

Jane:

That is what was happening, and my hackles were up, though, thankfully, because I could see how you could get pulled into that.

Etienne:

Yeah, they prey on women who are empathetic too. That's another part. You can't just take any woman and do this to them. It has to be somebody who is already going to be prone to caring about other people. I bet there's a lot of nurses with hobosexuals.

Heidi:

Oh, I have friends.

Jane:

Etty, have you seen anything like that happen? Like I know that you have a lot of friends in that circle, because I have friends who are nurses, but I don't remember them ever telling me like they brought home Somebody got discharged and then

Etienne:

Actually, honestly, no, I haven't.

Etienne:

But I know, in general nurses have terrible relationships. They're just known for that. They are always with somebody who needs to be taken care of in some fashion, I guess, because that's our job, that's our career. So we already take care of people and I feel like I do fall into that category a little bit. So that's why I'm a little bit scared about even starting a date.

Heidi:

Oh God.

Etienne:

Because I don't want to fall into that again where I feel like I'm going to be somebody's nurse or purse. Right, that's the one that I learned in the last six months. I don't want to be anybody's nurse or purse. No, I want to be in a relationship with somebody who is just as independent and able to take care of themselves as I am able to take care of myself.

Etienne:

That's what I'm looking for whenever I do start looking again. If I start looking again, they better fall into my lap, because I don't know if I'm looking. You just knock on the door. Hey heard you need a boyfriend. I'm financially independent, I can take care of myself. I'm like perfect, all right, I'll go have coffee with you.

Jane:

And immediately be like do you have a stable living

Jane:

situation? Do you... are you, are you housed?

Etienne:

How long have you been at your job? Can I run your credit report like it's like do the whole thing. Let me me see when are you going to retire.

Jane:

I mean, you joke

Etienne:

But let me see your retirement figures. Like not really that bad.

Jane:

Yeah, like this is literally like we're too old to not know these things. I don't know

Etienne:

Exactly

Jane:

Because you guys have both recently dated and you know how weird it is out there. Like Heidi, have you had a hobosexual trying to sneak their way into your life?

Heidi:

Somewhat, before I even went into the Air Force I had already graduated high school and was dating a guy that was couch surfing and I was paying for everything. When I left to join the Air Force that's when I ended things, but he was probably out there being a hobosexual with the women. And then a couple years ago a guy was kind of housing insecure, you might say that's a nice way of saying it. I actually started looking for a new apartment to possibly live with him and thank God I kind of woke up to no, that's not a good idea, because I saw the writing on the wall he's just looking for a better housing situation, because I think he was living in a basement somewhere.

Jane:

That makes him sound like a troll.

Etienne:

A troll.

Etienne:

He lived under a bridge.

Heidi:

He had terrible credit criminal record, so all these things against him that, you know, makes it really hard to find decent housing, Plus not making a whole lot per month. So yeah, I was going to end up having to pick up a lot of the slack. Nope, I'm glad I woke up to that, but it was very close to a hobosexual situation, for sure.

Etienne:

Was he good in the bedroom Like? Does he fit the definition in the whole way?

Heidi:

Yes.

Heidi:

Yeah, yeah.

Heidi:

He's probably out there using it and has gotten himself a nice living situation.

Etienne:

It's kind of like a form of prostitution in a way right

Heidi:

A little bit yeah

Etienne:

they're

Etienne:

probably creating their skills for a place to live.

Heidi:

Yeah, yeah.

Jane:

Are we just ascribing hobosexual to what behavior that a dude does when it's flipped gender-wise that we were like she just has a sugar daddy? Is having a sugar mama similar to being a hobosexual? Is it a spectrum? On a scale of hobosexual to you know, looking for sugar mama, like, where are you? Like,

Jane:

I feel like that should be a dating profile question because like, maybe

Etienne:

Because I was thinking like hobosexual, I was assuming we could go with either gender and even, like you know, you could be like a female, going for females and being hobosexual right like in

Jane:

this is true

Etienne:

characteristics. It doesn't say that it's male or female right,

Heidi:

it's mainly men that they talk about.

Etienne:

Talking about men, yeah, but you're right, like having a sugar daddy. How is that different unless, uh, they're literally not manipulating the guy. I mean, the guy is getting something out of it. He knows he's paying for her. She's probably younger than him, probably have a job. She, her only job is to make him happy and look good

Jane:

But you just made the distinction.

Jane:

The distinction is that the girl looking for a sugar daddy is probably being like, more honest in her being if you're in the hobosexuals, more manipulative and all of a sudden the woman's like wait, uh-oh, hold on this guy. I'm like his mom now.

Etienne:

Yeah, because look in our society doesn't seem like it's okay for a woman to be like yeah, I'll pay for you to be my little pool boy. You know, you just live here with me and take care of me my needs in the bedroom and you can live here and I'll pay for your food. And you don't have a job, you can use my car while I'm at work.

Heidi:

No woman would agree to that.

Etienne:

No woman

Heidi:

Not very many.

Etienne:

And she's like yes, exactly like dude, we know why you're with me, let's be honest

Jane:

And we just call them power cougars. I guess they're just like they've got it together and they're just like I want.

Jane:

Yeah

Etienne:

I can imagine like a female ceo going.

Etienne:

I'm not,

Heidi:

I just need a young stud to take care of

Etienne:

simulating an intimate relationship with you. Let's be honest

Heidi:

yeah, yeah

Etienne:

we know what you're here for you know why I'm using you. You're using me. I'm using you,

Heidi:

yeah. Yeah, there's honesty in that kind of relationship where with the hobosexual it's very yeah.

Etienne:

It's not honest. They know what they're doing. I mean, maybe they don't know what they're doing. It's just ingrained in them to just use people and just to gently do it, you know or?

Etienne:

maybe not so gently, but like doing this behavior, engaging in this maybe.

Heidi:

Well, they're just pulling on heartstrings because the guy I knew he would infiltrate into different church groups and get free housing out of that and stuff

Jane:

wait, how would he infiltrate?

Jane:

he would just go to some kind of Bible study and then just start what, casually dropping that he didn't have a place to stay.

Heidi:

Sob story

Etienne:

Holy shit.

Heidi:

He did have a traumatic background, but he definitely used his traumatic background as like a means to get free cars, get free housing.

Etienne:

Did he literally have a car he didn't pay for? That was his car

Heidi:

I believe. So I believe he got it. Yeah, he was getting free cars. He was good.

Jane:

Are we doing

Jane:

it wrong. Should we be doing it?

Etienne:

No, I think we're going to go back in life and redo this. No, I do have a story. Yeah,

Jane:

oh, I want to hear it.

Etienne:

I do have a story, but not a true hobosexual. Actually, I think he could have been. He wasn't. But let me tell you my story. His name was Jonah.

Etienne:

I met him on Tinder one morning when I was bored Later in the day, supposed to be meeting somebody who I had been texting on Tinder for like a week, but I was bored. Instead of doing something constructive, I went on Tinder and met somebody else and I met Jonah, and Jonah immediately was telling me how he had gotten oral sex lessons from a lesbian. And I'm like wait, what?

Heidi:

Tell me more

Etienne:

because I that's, yeah, cunnilingus is my favorite thing in the whole wide world to receive. Obviously, I'm a heterosexual, not out there giving it out, I'm on the receiving end of this. So I'm like, oh, um, so what are you doing right now? He's like nothing. I could meet you.

Etienne:

Literally, I met him like 10 minutes later at the coffee shop down the street from me and and I text the guy that I was supposed to be seeing later in the day and I was like I feigned sickness and he saw through me. It was so blatantly obvious I'd gotten a better offer or something and I never did meet that other dude. I feel that's not bad, but I don't even remember what he looks like or what his name was. The other dude I almost fell down my stairs running to my car to get to where I was going to be meeting Jonah, and he pulls up in this brand new giant pickup truck. He's cute.

Etienne:

But the pictures that he had in Tinder, his profile pictures he looks like he was a cross between Lane Staley from Alice in Chains and he was dressed like Eazy-E, like, I'm not kidding, it was full on what the fuck is happening, but like. But he was sweet and, of course, the oral sex lessons. Okay, we'll just overlick what his style is, but he showed up just normal, like he had normal

Jane:

dude you just said

Etienne:

oh god, did I say

Heidi:

overlook, overlook

Etienne:

overlook, overlook the fact that yeah, no, but he looked normal and he had this really nice truck and I'm like I didn't know what his situation was, I just cared about and like, literally, I just

Heidi:

your brain stopped working after that

Etienne:

I didn't even like, I didn't even tell him about me like at this at this meeting where I was I didn't even get coffee

Jane:

like an oral sex drive thru

Jane:

You're like, let's do this. I would like this to go,

Heidi:

yeah

Etienne:

exactly I'm like where is he?

Etienne:

Where is he?

Heidi:

I need this in my life now.

Etienne:

Oh, my God. So I made him tell me all the details. So originally in the texting he told me oh, it was a friend's mother that taught him how to give oral sex lessons. And then, when he saw me in person, he's like no, no, not exactly.

Etienne:

I found her on Craigslist. She was giving out oral sex. We had to pay for it. It was multiple weekends, so it was like a multi weekend class and it was taught by a lesbian or I guess maybe she was bisexual because she had a daughter and after she taught you something, you practiced on her daughter.

Jane:

This is so freaking weird.

Etienne:

Adult daughter, not young daughter adult daughter

Heidi:

but okay, say the daughter.

Heidi:

And when I adult, yeah, adult daughter.

Etienne:

Okay, yeah, well yeah, if that was a job I could sign up for, I'd freaking do that every day of the week and for free. Please let that be my job.

Etienne:

Oh my yes, yes,

Heidi:

I'll be the test subject.

Jane:

Oh my God

Etienne:

and while he's talking.

Etienne:

I'm making him talk more and more about it, like every little detail I could wring out of him. I was wringing out of him and I was getting so wet while I was talking to him I was worried it was going to show through my pants. Like not even kidding, I've never been that turned on in my life from words alone and I'm like do you want to come back to my place? Like as soon as he was finished telling me everything, he would tell me got to go to my place. And so we get to my house. I practically run up the stairs to my bedroom, rip my clothes off. They were off so fast. I've never taken my clothes off that fast before and I threw myself on the bed and he's just standing there watching me, fully clothed, watching what I'm doing, and he's like whoa, somebody is ready to get licked. I just smiled. I didn't say anything, but I should have said yeah, I just met you. Like it's been literally an hour since I even knew you existed in the world.

Etienne:

So he did this. He didn't even he still clothes on, like what he did to me. He had his clothes on the entire time. He comes over to me and he does this like thing over my pubic area, like with his hands, like he's measuring something. I have no idea what he's doing. It's reminding me of John Nash in A Beautiful Mind, like you know, like there's something, something secret that I don't know about. That he's like measuring,

Jane:

he's calibrating

Etienne:

yes, like he's figuring out where my internal stuff is going to be from looking at the outside and I'm like, okay, whatever. And then that's the last. I don't really remember a lot of what happened, because I left my body. Seriously, I call him the savant of oral sex in my mind, because there's nobody who came anywhere close to what he did to me. I astral projected. The first time I came close to having an orgasm, which wasn't long into what was happening, he changed things up. I got really, really close. I was literally seconds away. Then he stopped doing what he was doing and he did something else.

Heidi:

Oh, he was edging you.

Etienne:

Maybe he didn't realize that I was about to come. We'll just let that slide. He did it again. He got me really close and then he changed it. I'm like what are you doing? I remember asking him why did you stop? He's like no, I know you're about to come. I'm sorry it's not time yet. I'm going to keep doing that to you, I'm going to keep edging you, and when you do come, it's going to be incredible and he was not joking. I have never, never, had an orgasm as violent as the one that.

Jane:

Violent.

Etienne:

Violent. I literally, I wrote in my memoir. I described it as like I was successfully riding a tsunami on a surfboard. Like that's how I felt, like it was just insane what happened to me. I'll talk about him more another time this guy because we're really talking about hobosexuals and I haven't actually gotten to the part where you might think he might be a hobosexual, but obviously he was excellent at oral sex, the best ever. The very next day I texted him saying hey, can you meet? What's happening?

Etienne:

Cause

Etienne:

I didn't have a job at the time. My job was almost, and he's like I don't have a car today. That truck is my roommate's truck. But if you want to pick me up and take me back to your house, that's fine, we can do that. And I was like okay. So that's when, of course, I said okay, I mean he lived 10 minutes away, it's not a big deal. But turns out, where he lived was in a one car garage with his roommate where they had built bunk beds. They built up their beds so that you could have a living area under the bed, so it was like a bunk bed, but only with the top one. And the other things they had in the garage cause it was very small was a large screen TV, two gaming chairs and a microwave, and that's where they lived.

Etienne:

The bathroom was in the house. The shower was on a schedule, so you could not take a shower outside of your schedule. It was all men living in this house. Every square inch of this fucking place was rented out, like obviously, because they rented out the garage to people. That's not kosher at all. So the half bath that was downstairs people only use that to poop they were all peeing into the yard in the back

Heidi:

Lovely

Jane:

dudes

Heidi:

typical guys

Etienne:

They were so proud of what they'd done.

Etienne:

And the whole time I'm trying to look interested, but not judging. I'm not judging, of course I'm not judging. I'm actually feeling fucking shitty because I'm looking at my middle-class house that I live in all by myself, with three bedrooms and two baths, and I had this guy come over to my place. I just felt like I just rubbed in his face the fact that I have all this stuff and he doesn't. And he was just so sweet, he could have taken such advantage of me and he didn't. He didn't even let me buy him pizza. One night, when he was stopping to get Little Caesar's pizza I've never even had Little Caesar's Pizza before this. That was the first time I'd ever had it he was like nope, nope, I got it, I'm buying you dinner. I'm like okay.

Etienne:

So yeah, this relationship only lasted two weeks because it was right around Christmas. He invited me over to his place. He was going to be cooking in the kitchen, the kitchen in the house and everybody who lived there was going to be eating Christmas dinner there and I had nowhere to go. I had nothing for Christmas going on. So he invited me to come eat and I was in that house for that dinner with all those people which ended up being all men for about 20 minutes because I was starting to feel super uncomfortable. Everybody was drinking and the men were leering at me and I was making eye contact with him. He's still in the kitchen doing his thing and I can see that he sees that I'm like what is happening?

Etienne:

I was starting to think I was about to get gang raped in this house. So I literally ate dinner, skipped dessert. I made excuses and left. I was like, oh, you know what I I need to go like, walk my dogs. I forgot to walk my dogs before I came over, so I need to go. And he never texted me again. I never texted him again. I never saw him again. So I don't know if he'd said to everybody there oh, this hot cougar that can't get enough of me is coming over for dinner and they're all like, oh, can't wait to meet her. And I don't know if that's what happens, but he seemed sweet. He didn't seem like somebody who would do that, but that's exactly how the reactions of these men were. So but yeah, if that hadn't happened, I could imagine this could have been a hobosexual situation. But he was not manipulative, he was very sweet. But that's as close as I think. I say that I came to a hobosexual situation.

Heidi:

Yeah

Jane:

maybe he was being sweet at first, I don't know.

Jane:

I'm thinking,

Heidi:

yeah, that's kind of how they play it.

Jane:

My sister and I actually were propositioned by what I now believe might have been a potential hobosexual situation, where we were just being nice but he was being like super flirty and asking us all kinds of questions about do you have a boyfriend and do you want a boyfriend, like kind of being playful, but he was straight up unhoused. I'm going to say homeless. I don't understand why this has become a thing. You're not supposed to say they don't have a home. Homeless, that's the definition. Anyway, he was a homeless dude, I'm not being mean. He did not have a home. And he was living in port jefferson, long island, and I was a sophomore in college, yes, and my sister was a junior in high school and we were hanging out and this guy just had like a backpack with everything and they always have a backpack and we had a backpack with everything

Jane:

he owned.

Etienne:

Well, it's better than a shopping cart. It's more handy.

Jane:

Yeah, that's true. It was summer, so maybe he didn't need a bunch of accoutrement yet. He just had a backpack and his hacky sack. And he was doing hacky sack tricks. He definitely looked like a white boy working on dreads.

Etienne:

I love that, I used to love that.

Jane:

Totally come in yet okay

Heidi:

yeah

Jane:

And I at the time

Jane:

I was kind of a sucker for it too. I was into the grateful dead and I was a big hippie and this guy was definitely like dirty hippie, reeked of cheap patchouli to try to cover up the bo and he was hacky sacking and inviting anybody to hacky sack with him.

Jane:

He was walking by this fountain and my sister and I knew how to hacky sack, like barely you know what I mean? Like we could hang a little bit, and he was just like hey, girls, you want to? Like you know, and we're like okay, you know. So we're like hacky sacking with this homeless dude and he was really cute and we were talking to him afterwards and he starts talking about like hey, man, you know, I don't know if you have any money, I'm like super hungry or if you'd have any snacks or something.

Jane:

And it wasn't dawning on me the whole situation at the time, but I was just like, well, I'm going to make 13 bean soup tonight, like, literally, that's what I was going to do is just go back to my house. I live with my dad, you know. I was like we can go back to my house and make 13 bean soup if you would like to join us. This is my

Etienne:

oh, that's so sweet

Jane:

my 19-old self. Yeah, well, he thought so too at the time.

Jane:

He just kept talking about how pretty my sister and I were and how we looked so much alike and he was probably thinking I'm going to go have some 13-bean soup and then get down with these sisters, because that's the direction that things took. So I brought him back to my father's house where I was living in college, made 13 bean soup and talked to him the whole time. As I'm making soup, it's becoming more and more apparent he is totally homeless and he's asking about like extra rooms in the house, like how many bedrooms are in this house and I was like, dude, this is just about soup and hacky sacks.

Jane:

Like, oh no, my sister and I make an eye contact. We have to figure out how to get him out of the house.

Etienne:

I was going to say how did he get there, did you?

Jane:

I brought him there like in my car.

Etienne:

Oh

Jane:

I took a homeless person in my car with my sister to come have dinner.

Etienne:

Wow, your dad must have.

Etienne:

I have to hear if your dad sat you down after this whole thing.

Jane:

We did not tell him because he was not

Etienne:

oh he wasn't there

Jane:

no

Heidi:

tell him

Jane:

okay, and his name. What he told us to call him was pig hair.

Etienne:

Fuck

Jane:

that's what he told us his name was

Etienne:

what the fuck

Jane:

like one word, he was very specific one word, and I was like oh my god, what have I done? What

Jane:

have I done I have my sister here. She's younger, I'm supposed to be the big sister, I'm supposed to protect us. We're cooking for a homeless person in our house, like literally running a soup kitchen, like for one in our house

Heidi:

soup kitchen for one

Jane:

Soup kitchen for one. So we had like a nice man. He was really nice but it was getting creepy about like asking situations, you know

Heidi:

yeah

Jane:

then he spent entirely too long in our bathroom. It was downstairs, and I'm realizing that he's using the sink in there like a bathtub type of thing and I was like, okay, you know what, this is what they tell you supposed to do.

Jane:

I didn't know he was gonna do that in there. I just thought he was going to the bathroom, or I would have told him to go upstairs, maybe, but I didn't want to upstairs unsupervised. So now it's a thing the whole time. He's super nice, but he's saying things that are like slightly sexual about like

Etienne:

oh no, is he gonna try to threesome you guys?

Jane:

Like how close are we? Like have you ever kissed each other?

Jane:

and I was like we gotta get this guy out of the house

Etienne:

he could move in and have sex with two sisters, like they can make me soup. Like what is that?

Etienne:

that's like the best

Jane:

that's what he's thinking For that one day, pig hair was living the dream.

Jane:

But I did not take.

Heidi:

His fantasies were coming true.

Jane:

I didn't drive him back to Port Jefferson. We lived in Stony Brook at the time and Port Jefferson was the end of the line for the Long Island Railroad train station. I took him to the Stony Brook train station and gave him train fare to go back to Port Jefferson Because I was like, after that whole thing, you're not alone in my car with me and my sister now, and so that was the concession.

Etienne:

What age do you think he was, or did he tell you?

Jane:

He was definitely my age, or maybe a little bit older. It wasn't like creepy old dude. I guess that's why it didn't occur to me. He was like hot 19 year old also

Etienne:

Also. Yeah.

Jane:

Also, like I, was hot.

Etienne:

You can categorize yourself as hot

Heidi:

but he's been on the streets for a while.

Heidi:

So he's way more

Jane:

and I ran into him many other times after that

Etienne:

what you saw him with the hacky sack like.

Heidi:

Oh really

Jane:

that was his shtick hacky sack by the fountain, port jeff. And whenever I say I would just say because I didn't want any problems, I was just like hey pighair and they just kept on walking.

Etienne:

Did he like acknowledge you, like he knew who you were?

Jane:

Yes.

Jane:

Oh, he totally knew who I was. I didn't walk close enough where I would get sucked into conversation. I was like I'm on to you now no more. You know, like I said, he wasn't mean, he didn't get any kind of aggression. I just think he was looking for like a couch surfing situation at the very least. But when he saw my dad had a nice house.

Jane:

There was a pool.

Etienne:

Oh God

Jane:

yeah, he was. You know I'm making him 13 bean soup.

Etienne:

Was there actually an empty room that he could have

Etienne:

like, moved into?

Jane:

No, there were four bedrooms. My stepbrother and my sister and I each had our own bedrooms and then my parents had their bedroom. So there were no free spaces, but there were couches. There were multiple couches. I think he would have been happy with the lounge chair out by the pool which he made a joke about and I was like, oh God, we got to go, you might show up.

Etienne:

Yeah, one morning you might show up and go outside and there he is sleeping on the lounge chair.

Jane:

I mean yeah

Etienne:

wow, that's. Yeah. I think you had the closest, the most real hobosexual experience possibly, like that would have totally turned into

Heidi:

yeah

Etienne:

If you weren't living with your dad, and you didn't notice right away that there was something wrong.

Jane:

Oh, I would have been. Yeah, the soup kitchen for one would have turned into like boarding house for one. That could have happened to me if I was single in an apartment.

Heidi:

But it goes to show you our society, these people that are hustling just for a roof over their head, and the victims that they target. And why can't we just house everybody, like there's enough

Etienne:

I do have a question about the soup, though.

Etienne:

Are there actually 13 different beans in the soup, like, is that why it's called 13-bean soup, or are there just 13 beans total and that's why it's called that?

Jane:

No, it's literally 13 different kinds of beans.

Etienne:

I didn't even know there were 13 different kinds of beans.

Heidi:

Yeah, I didn't either.

Jane:

It was the bag at the grocery store. It says 13 bean soup and it has like a little packet of seasoning in it. They probably still sell it. And you soak the beans overnight, yeah, and then you boil the beans and you put tomatoes in. It's very good. I would add potatoes, and it was delicious.

Etienne:

It was gourmet soup, gourmet homeless person soup

Jane:

he loved it.

Jane:

He asked if he could take some with him and I was like I don't know how I could do that for you

Heidi:

yeah

Jane:

safely

Etienne:

not the time of disposable tupperware that you don't give a shit about. Maybe back in the day

Jane:

yeah, no, we didn't have that in my house and I didn't have a thermos that I could send him with

Etienne:

here, take this thermos.

Etienne:

No, no, thermos is where everything was expensive.

Heidi:

Yes

Etienne:

you bought things for life back then. You didn't just throw away everything.

Jane:

This is true.

Heidi:

There was no Rubbermaid.

Etienne:

Oh my God

Jane:

God, pig hair.

Jane:

Sorry, I literally hadn't thought of that until we said we were

Etienne:

Did this just come up?

Jane:

No, no, no. I thought about it last night when I was like I don't think I had it but I honestly I had forgotten about, like just how involved it was with the soup and everything, because I hadn't thought about it in a long time. He didn't occupy space in my brain. But I wonder if my sister would be occupy space in his brain. I wonder if he still remembers us and I hope he's doing well.

Etienne:

Do you think your sister remembers him

Jane:

oh

Jane:

my gosh. I'll text her right now. I'll be like do you remember

Etienne:

do you remember

Jane:

She probably does, because she was a sucker for that hot like white boy working on dreads look too back in the day

Heidi:

yeah, and being a high schooler

Etienne:

I think it looked great.

Etienne:

I sat behind a guy in a theater once who had dreads like that and they were real, because the air conditioning was blowing from in front of him back to where I was sitting behind him and those dreads smelled like it hadn't been washed in a long time, and that's when I realized those dreads look nice but they don't smell so good.

Heidi:

Yeah yeah, no thanks

Etienne:

or at least that one guy's dreads didn't smell good.

Heidi:

Yeah, I'm sure she was excited about an older guy giving her attention to being a teenager

Etienne:

Yeah, seriously

Jane:

yes

Etienne:

I mean he was trying to get in there.

Heidi:

Mm-hmm

Etienne:

I'll just have a little party.

Heidi:

Mm-hmm

Etienne:

After the 13 bean soup.

Jane:

Oh man

Etienne:

so your dad never knew about this?

Jane:

No, no

Etienne:

oh god, I wonder what he would say today about this.

Jane:

I should bring it up.

Jane:

Well, because they already called me like the wild child, because I was already going out to raves and like not coming back until sometime the next day and like getting on buses to go to raves in the middle of fields in vermont.

Jane:

They were just like you're so crazy

Etienne:

that sounds scary.

Jane:

It was scary for them, but they let me do it, because they were like if you were living on campus somewhere, we would have no idea what you were doing.

Jane:

So they were actually very.

Jane:

they were terrified, but they let me do what I want, because that was the deal. I'm like I'll go to this college near you so you can pay cheaper tuition, but the deal is I get to do whatever I want.

Heidi:

Yeah, you're an adult now and in college you want to experience life

Jane:

Yeah, obviously, making poor decisions,

Etienne:

but at least you figured it out quickly.

Heidi:

Yeah

Etienne:

the decisions might have been poor, but at least when you made them and they weren't the best- you learned you course corrected yeah. You fixed the problem.

Heidi:

It's all growing.

Etienne:

It's a good life lesson

Jane:

and I hope that all of the hobosexuals everywhere are just doing better. I hope they're housed. I think that got a serious note. We're always talking about trying to leave the world better than we found it, and I think that helping the homeless in real and tangible ways is really important, but also just having boundaries so that you're doing it in a way where you stay safe too, we can solve this problem with compassion while also retaining our own boundaries and safety. So soup kitchens for all, not just soup kitchens for one.

Heidi:

Yeah Well, and just think of the amount of energy and effort they could focus into better things like entrepreneurship or inventions, instead of trying to use all their energy and hustle into finding their next meal, finding where they're going to be housed that night. If they could focus all that energy towards something better that's going to help society. Seriously, can we just house and feed everybody? There's enough. And that's our show. You've been listening to the Women Are Plotting. If you have a story you'd like to share or have any comments, we'd love to hear from you. Email us at info@ thewomenareplottingcom, and, of course, you can find us on all the socials. Thanks and until next time. Be safe and be excellent to each other.

People on this episode

Head Shot

Etienne Rose Olivier

Co-host
Head Shot

Heidi Willis

Co-host
Head Shot

Jane Gari

Co-host