Shiterature: Hilarious Stories of Bodily Malfunctions

A lot of us carry a bathroom story like a secret scar. We decided to tell ours out loud. We open with clear, useful GI truths, then tumble headlong into the messy middle where science meets life: nurses dodging diarrhea, a patient seemingly “birthing” something awful, and an outrageous septic tank failure that no one was prepared for. It’s raw, ridiculous, and surprisingly reassuring.

We step back in time to toilet history and the pungent realities of pre-plumbing cities, where waste fell from windows and tapestries hid more than art. That context reframes modern embarrassment and reminds us how far we’ve come. Along the way we decode poop & pee color changes, and share the practical tricks you’ll be glad to know before your next meal or medicine. Travel adds stakes: food poisoning at 35,000 feet, flight attendants quietly setting aside a lavatory, and the small mercies that make survival possible.

Threaded through is a creative arc: years ago Jane & Heidi wrote Shiterature, a humor collection of true bodily malfunctions, but the market wasn’t ready. Now it is. They're dusting it off, aiming for print, and opening the doors to your stories so it reflects more than their own. If you’ve ever laughed until you peed, sprinted for a bathroom, or survived a plumbing apocalypse, you’re among friends here. Hit play for equal parts anatomy, history, catastrophe, and catharsis—and if it makes you feel less alone, that’s the win. Subscribe, share with the brave souls in your group chat, and email us your story at info@thewomenareplotting.com. We can’t wait to read it!

Email us at info@thewomenareplotting.com, and find us on all the socials. Be safe and be excellent to each other.

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome And Today’s Theme
• 0:26 How Often Is “Normal” To Poop
• 1:30 GI Differences Between Women And Men
• 6:24 Toilet History And Old-World Hygiene
• 9:28 What Women Did Before Menstrual Products
• 11:58 What is Shiterature?
• 15:08 Jane & Etty Meeting for the First Time
• 15:56 Etty's Nurse Tales: Restraints And A “Softball”
• 19:53 C. Diff, Colon Prep, And The Poop Fan
• 25:22 Laughing Accidents of Jane & Her Family
• 28:17 The Poop Accidents of a Toddler
• 32:35 The Septic Tank Vesuvius
• 39:31 Heidi Landing in an Airplane Toilet
• 42:36 Daycare Poop & Toilet Antics
• 46:26 Food Dye Changing Poop Color
• 48:34 Beets Affecting Poop Color
• 49:32 Specific Chemotherapy Can Change Urine Color
• 51:13 Shiterature or Flush This Book?
• 54:54 Heidi's Friend Who Went Above & Beyond

Transcript

[00:00:00] Etienne: Welcome listeners. This is The Women Are Plotting. I'm Etienne Rose Olivier and I'm here with my friends and co-hosts, Heidi Willis and Jane Gari.

[00:00:15] Etienne: Today's episode we're talking about shiterature stories and I know that doesn't make sense right now, but it will in a little bit when we talk about the book that Heidi and Jane wrote together. And my fun fact for today. Is what I learned when I worked on an adult digestive disease unit, from the doctors who worked there, because we always had to ask everybody, every one of our patients what their normal bowel habits were, meaning how often they went to the bathroom, whatever their normal bowel schedule was.

[00:00:45] Etienne: So if they went every day, every other day, every three days, whatever that was, that's what we considered normal for them. So if they went more or less than that considerably, considerably more or considerably less, then we would definitely be treating their symptoms and either making them go to the bathroom or making them stop, go to the bathroom.

[00:01:08] Etienne: So, according to the doctors that I worked with, there is no set amount of times you should be pooping, whether it's every day or not. We're not like dogs. We can't just go after we eat every meal, unfortunately. I mean, some people do, but that's my interesting fact for today.

[00:01:26] Etienne: And Jane, what is your interesting or fun fact for.

[00:01:30] Jane: My fun fact about poop is that women and men poop differently because their GI tracts work a little bit differently. I was today years old when I learned this. I didn't ever really consider that, but, I would like to credit my information that I got from this article that was on Vox 10 years ago, but I would imagine men and women's GI tracts have not changed in 10 years.

[00:01:55] Jane: But this article was by Joseph Stromberg on Vox and the significant differences are so pronounced that this GI that they interviewed for the article was saying that if you perform a colonoscopy, you could correctly guess the patient's biological sex without knowing it beforehand. That's how different they are.

[00:02:14] Jane: So women have wider pelvises than men, as well as extra internal organs. We have a uterus and ovaries in the region. So that takes up space. And so it's making everything different shape. And as a result, our colons hang a little bit lower than men's and are longer on average, like a significant amount longer, 10 centimeters on average.

[00:02:36] Jane: I'm like, okay, that's not just a small little like, no, you know, a little tad. And then men have more rigid abdominal walls that help push food through the GI tract more effectively. So. Sometimes that makes pooping harder for us and food takes longer to transit through most women making us more prone to bloating than men.

[00:02:58] Jane: So on average, men are more regular than women when it comes to their bowel movements, if they're generally healthy. And yeah, I found that interesting. I dunno about fun, but definitely

[00:03:13] Etienne: Yeah, before.

[00:03:13] Heidi: Very interesting.

[00:03:14] Etienne: Before I move on to Heidi though, I'd like to, I immediately was intrigued by your fun fact about men and women's bowels being different. But I was hoping this was gonna explain why most men sit on the goddamn toilet for like ever, like take a time out in there practically.

[00:03:30] Etienne: You know, like read half of a book every morning when they go to the bathroom. It happens in our hospital right now, like all the time when we have teenage boys, they'll go in the bathroom and they won't come out for hours.

[00:03:41] Jane: They're not pooping.

[00:03:43] Etienne: okay, well wait. Some of them, you're right, probably, but some of them need to poop, so they're like trying to force it.

[00:03:48] Etienne: And one kid just last night, not my patient, thank God, was having multiple conversations, like calling his nurse into the bathroom so he could have a conversation with her while he is actively pooping.

[00:04:00] Jane: Wow.

[00:04:01] Etienne: Yeah, actively, she's like, if I have to talk to him one more time while he's shitting on the toilet, that's what she said.

[00:04:10] Jane: That is hilarious. I think that some men treat it as like a little getaway. Like they're in there just reading the paper, they're scrolling through Facebook, there's definitely. Some other activities maybe that are going on in there and they want you to think that they're pooping. I mean, who knows?

[00:04:27] Jane: But a teenage boy in the bathroom for an hour, there's no way there that he's just pooping in there. But that's my hypothesis,

[00:04:36] Etienne: I like

[00:04:36] Jane: but that it should be easier for them.

[00:04:38] Heidi: we've got a longer

[00:04:40] Heidi: colon

[00:04:41] Etienne: we should take 

[00:04:42] Heidi: we should take

[00:04:43] Etienne: Yeah. I'm literally, like, speed queen. If it takes me more than two minutes, I'm like, this is taking forever. 

[00:04:49] Jane: I'm pretty regular. I get up in the morning and I brush my teeth 'cause I just feel gross and usually within 10 minutes I need to go to the bathroom of waking. And if it doesn't happen then, then it happens like right after breakfast.

[00:05:03] Etienne: Yeah, 

[00:05:04] Heidi: Yeah. Right after breakfast

[00:05:06] Heidi: Daily. 

[00:05:07] Etienne: Yeah. And I had a friend whose dad was a GI doctor. I'm pretty sure he was, this was a long, long time ago. And I think he said that when you eat food in the morning, especially when it hits a certain part of your, I don't know if it's the bottom of your stomach, it actually stimulates a nerve that then tells your colon it needs to release.

[00:05:26] Etienne: That's what he told her. I do not know if that's true.

[00:05:29] Jane: Well, I heard like that when you're eating, it just starts activating peristalsis, the name for the actual undulating undulation that happens along the GI tract. And so it's like, hey, start moving. She's up.

[00:05:41] Etienne: yeah. And actually it's your, it's your

[00:05:43] Heidi: Gotta make some room. 

[00:05:44] Etienne: saliva actually. That starts all of it. Like as soon as you start seeing the food, you start making the saliva 'cause you're anticipating the food and that starts everything off. It's crazy. That's why sometimes chewing gum makes you hungry. Because it's activating the enzymes in your saliva that then act like you're gonna be digesting food, but you don't, you're not eating food.

[00:06:03] Etienne: So you're like, actually, yeah, this is not helping because I used to chew gum when I was on cleanses where I'm just drinking this terrible concoction, the lemonade master cleanse or whatever. At one point I would tried to chew gum and it did not help. It just made me more hungry.

[00:06:17] Etienne: So stop doing that. Oh, but Heidi, let's go onto your And I, I'm so sorry. I,

[00:06:24] Heidi: Everybody's waiting with bated breath. So, mine is the first flushing toilet was invented in 1592.

[00:06:32] Etienne: oh my God.

[00:06:33] Heidi: By Sir John Harrington, the godson of Elizabeth I, so he made one for both himself and his godmother, Elizabeth, the

[00:06:42] Etienne: 1592.

[00:06:44] Heidi: Yeah.

[00:06:45] Heidi: But, but the toilet needed some work.

[00:06:49] Etienne: Oh no.

[00:06:50] Heidi: Less odorous toilets came around in 1775 when Alexander Cummings made an s-shaped pipe and placed it under the toilet basin. So that's when they stopped stinking up the place, I guess, apparently.

[00:07:06] Heidi: But yeah, Elizabeth the first basically had the first flushing

[00:07:11] Etienne: that's crazy. Does that mean she had the plumbing attached to it as well, or is it just flushing into a big hole somewhere?

[00:07:18] Heidi: I assume there was plumbing to get it out of.

[00:07:23] Jane: In Elizabethan England, there was not. That's why they had just so much 

[00:07:29] Heidi: maybe it went to like a basin somewhere and someone had to, like, a servant. Probably

[00:07:35] Etienne: to empty it out.

[00:07:36] Heidi: empty it out.

[00:07:37] Etienne: Yeah, I bet.

[00:07:39] Jane: was definitely a job. There were a lot of weird, when I would teach Shakespeare, everybody would ask questions like, what would people, I mean, if you were at a party, like, and there was a tapestry that came down to the floor, like people were shitting behind tapestries and, and

[00:07:51] Etienne: no, come on. No, 

[00:07:53] Heidi: What? 

[00:07:54] Jane: A hundred percent. They were,

[00:07:55] Etienne: go outside. Why?

[00:07:57] Jane: well, they would do that too. It depended on the revelry. But, and then there was also, they didn't have, 

[00:08:03] Heidi: just smelled like poop all the time

[00:08:05] Heidi: there 

[00:08:05] Etienne: my God.

[00:08:06] Jane: I would think that people would go nose blind to it, right? Because every time, I watch a period piece with my father, he is always making comments about like, what if people pooped and did everybody's breath smell bad?

[00:08:16] Jane: And I'm like, listen, everybody probably smelled and just 

[00:08:20] Heidi: Yeah, body odor, all of

[00:08:21] Etienne: Oh.

[00:08:22] Jane: But also because everybody was just eating organic. Maybe it wasn't as gross as we think it is. I don't know, maybe we doctor things up in a way that's not healthy. So I'm sure it was like a weird combination of just smelling like disgusting or just you go nose blind.

[00:08:39] Jane: Or maybe it was not as bad as we think and until time travels a thing, we won't know. But I know that people were definitely just throwing shit out windows like that, that,

[00:08:49] Etienne: windows. Yeah.

[00:08:50] Jane: I mean that's why

[00:08:51] Etienne: That's why, yeah. The men walked toward closer to the street and the women closer to the buildings.

[00:08:56] Jane: Yes. 'cause the trajectory was more likely that the men would then get hit. They were literally taking one for the team and there would just be gutters just full of excrement.

[00:09:07] Jane: And so I'm sure that,

[00:09:10] Etienne: wasn't, the Thames was like completely, I guess the rivers in big, big cities must have been like in Paris. Must have just been full of shit.

[00:09:16] Jane: Yeah, because I mean, think about all the horses and all of that stuff was just getting shoveled off into the rivers and into the gutters. And then, you would step in it. The bottom of your dresses were probably pretty gross. There were also not the menstrual products that we have today, right.

[00:09:31] Jane: And people aren't wearing underwear, so sometimes they would literally have rags and things that they would kind of construct like a diaper if you will, right? Like in a belt that you could kinda straps. But it wasn't like today where these things were prepackaged and whatever, it was like a glorified diaper.

[00:09:46] Jane: But some women would just kind of say, well, if I got all these layers, and I'm walking around all day and I'm not sitting, they would just kind of coagulate and coagulate and coagulate. And it would be kind of like this ball and it would just kind of drop off, like it would just fall.

[00:10:02] Jane: And then I literally read this in research I did years ago, so I can't remember the source, but, it would just drop off like in a little squishy kind of ball. And then, you would just kind of keep walking because there's shit in the street anyway. It's gonna blend in with the horse shit, the people, shit from the townhouse you just walked by.

[00:10:19] Jane: No one's gonna call you out for the thing that just came outta you that you left behind on the street, like after birth. Then you just keep walking.

[00:10:26] Etienne: oh my God.

[00:10:27] Jane: And they called them, there was a name for these little period coagulated balls were called citikins. Fun fact,

[00:10:34] Etienne: They

[00:10:35] Jane: extra bonus edition.

[00:10:36] Etienne: extra bonus. Fun fact.

[00:10:39] Jane: So 

[00:10:39] Heidi: Well, the 

[00:10:40] Jane: I remember reading that.

[00:10:41] Jane: This, I learned that when I was actually in England. I think maybe I was on a tour somewhere. So either. Someone was fucking with me or it was real. But, I remember learning it while I was living in England and just thinking, this is so gross. And then when I would just be walking, on these really old streets, just imagining like rivers of shit and citikins everywhere.

[00:11:00] Jane: Just, you know,

[00:11:03] Etienne: Oh

[00:11:03] Jane: and thinking. And I do remember actually being on a tour of a castle and people talking about people going behind the tapestries sometimes to go to the bathroom. If you're in the middle of a ball. So you're thinking like, this is like such an elegant affair, right? But meanwhile someone's shitting behind a tapestry. That's,

[00:11:18] Etienne: elegant.

[00:11:19] Jane: yeah. And I would look at all the old tapestries and then I would immediately look at the bottoms and then be like, I want

[00:11:24] Etienne: any like, yeah. Can we turn it down? Yeah.

[00:11:26] Heidi: Look behind him too.

[00:11:27] Heidi: Yeah. 

[00:11:28] Jane: see if they're stained.

[00:11:29] Etienne: Oh my God.

[00:11:30] Jane: that's how my brain

[00:11:31] Etienne: And take a quick sniff, see if it still smells like poo after all these years.

[00:11:36] Jane: I would imagine, it would eventually go away, right? Because, I've smelled shit that just like been.

[00:11:43] Etienne: Sitting for too long.

[00:11:44] Jane: Sitting for too long. That was actually one of the stories that was in the book that Heidi and I wrote.

[00:11:50] Etienne: shit story.

[00:11:51] Heidi: Yeah. So, yeah, we wrote a book, this is 10 years ago, over 10 years ago, called

[00:11:58] Heidi: Shiterature True Tales of Bodily Malfunctions. And we spent a lot of time on that. Had a lot of fun. Tried to get it sold and got close a couple times, but we were so unique back then. 'cause shit, humor wasn't a thing. Now it's everywhere. Now you got the poop emoji,

[00:12:17] Jane: It was always been a thing, but it was, people were acting like that. We couldn't commercialize it because it was just taboo. But it was actually what led us to meet Etienne. We were at a conference in Myrtle Beach, at the South Carolina Writers Workshop Conference in

[00:12:33] Etienne: I think it's 2012, right?

[00:12:35] Jane: I think it was 2012.

[00:12:36] Jane: 'cause that was when I got my agent for the memoir. So we had already had our book proposal, Heidi and me, because the first time we went to the South Carolina Writers Workshop was in 2008, because it was the year of the Obama campaign. Because we met this trucker lady who was clearly not on Obama's team.

[00:12:56] Jane: And so it was just kind of really funny. We were having lunch with her. She was a hilarious woman with all these crazy stories. But that's the only reason why I remember it was 2008. I'm not trying to talk.

[00:13:05] Etienne: Oh,

[00:13:06] Jane: yeah, I was a little, it was,

[00:13:07] Etienne: openly racist with you guys?

[00:13:09] Jane: I

[00:13:10] Heidi: It didn't

[00:13:11] Heidi: come until later. And then we were like, oh,

[00:13:14] Jane: right. And then we were

[00:13:14] Etienne: like, oh, we're friends now so I can tell you all my racist jokes 

[00:13:17] Heidi: yeah, 

[00:13:19] Jane: I forgot 

[00:13:20] Heidi: it got uncomfortable real quick and was she one of the ones that was like, Hey, why didn't you look at my manuscript? And

[00:13:28] Jane: Oh, that's 

[00:13:29] Heidi: she, was she one of the people in

[00:13:30] Heidi: the audience that was like

[00:13:32] Heidi: the rating the. The editors and the agents

[00:13:36] Jane: You're a hundred percent correct. So we were at a writer's conference and part of the etiquette, if you are a creative and you're looking to get published and you're going to one of these writers' conferences, and they're editors and agents there, who are talent scouting, 

[00:13:51] Heidi: Mm-hmm. 

[00:13:52] Jane: But you don't accost them in the bathroom. You don't try to monopolize their time at a cocktail hour or something like that. And this woman was breaking all of the rules of etiquette. I forgot about that. She was really cool for the first day.

[00:14:07] Heidi: them for not reading her manuscript and

[00:14:10] Etienne: Oh, no.

[00:14:10] Jane: In the middle of a workshop. Yeah. She was just like, how come you don't get back to me? And we were like, oh my goodness. It's because these people are running on skeleton crews and they have a slush pile and 

[00:14:22] Heidi: Yes. 

[00:14:22] Jane: have their normal client list that they have to service first before they look for new talent.

[00:14:29] Jane: And I get it that it's really frustrating and we've all been there, all three of us have had the submissions process and it's trying to find an agent and trying to find an editor and it can be grueling and heartbreaking. And, she had just had it, but

[00:14:45] Etienne: She's like, fuck it. I, I have my moment. I'm gonna,

[00:14:48] Heidi: I am gonna burn all the bridges.

[00:14:50] Jane: really did. But when we were at that same conference, but a couple years later and we were trying to get a shiterature represented and I was in line to pitch and I can't remember, Heidi, maybe you just hadn't gone to that conference with me.

[00:15:06] Jane: Maybe you had already moved to Maryland or something.

[00:15:08] Etienne: She definitely

[00:15:08] Jane: Um, yeah, she wasn't there. But I was gonna pitch shiterature and I was talking in line with somebody and Etty, you were volunteering,

[00:15:17] Etienne: I wasn't volunteering. I was waiting to pitch as well. Yeah.

[00:15:20] Jane: Oh, I thought you were volunteering.

[00:15:21] Jane: And that's when, okay, so we were in line together and you overheard me and you were just like, oh my gosh, we need to talk later because I've been a nurse on a gastroenterology ward and I have stories. And I was like, oh my gosh. Yes. And. We've been talking and became friends pretty quickly, and, uh.

[00:15:41] Etienne: Yeah. That conference that did it for us. Yeah. That was really good. I remember, I was working on a GI floor, I have one really favorite story from the GI unit, but one of my other favorite stories is from the step down trauma unit that I was on.

[00:15:56] Etienne: That was my first encounter as a newer nurse. My first 15 months as a nurse, I was on the trauma step down unit, which is where you would go if you'd had a car accident, you weren't wearing your seatbelt, you had gone through the windshield and somehow you lived so obviously you'd be medevac to the ICU or the ED first to get stabilized, or you'd go to surgery, then ICU.

[00:16:19] Etienne: You get off the drips that are making you unconscious. So if you could be conscious, that's when you would go to my unit when you were just kind of hanging out, waiting for your brain to settle back into whatever it's gonna be from that point forward.

[00:16:34] Etienne: So a lot of my patients were very confused. A lot of them were wearing restraints. Some of them had locked restraints 'cause they knew how to get out of 'em. I had one guy almost rake my finger when we were putting on locked restraints one day. I'm like, he's got my finger. And I'm like, I grabbed him just in time before he broke my finger.

[00:16:55] Etienne: Yeah. He didn't know what he was doing. I don't blame him. But, the pooping story, this was the best. So I worked on night shift at, this was VI was still on orientation, so brand new nurse. And I had this one patient who would never go to sleep. We just never, like, when does this woman sleep? She was not with it.

[00:17:15] Etienne: Not with it at all. She would, she would talk, but they would be nonsensical crazy. Like the craziest things you could ever think of saying like the popcorn man, like I don't even know. Like it's just throwing stuff out there like come here. Like she might yell, come here. And then you go to the door and she'd just talk nonsense to you and you're just like, this is crazy.

[00:17:36] Etienne: But she was on four point restraints and because she wouldn't sleep and we wanted to see what she was doing 'cause she did some wackadoo stuff, like we had to make sure she wasn't hurting herself in there. We would keep her light on in her room and the door open. So we would always, everybody, every when they would walk by would make sure she's okay.

[00:17:54] Etienne: And we also knew that she hadn't pooped in a while. So that's a good point to the story before I get to the juicy part. So I walked by the door. I went by the door at some point, and she's scooted herself to the end of the bed. So her arms are like stretched behind her, and she's like, as far to the edge of the foot of the bed as she can be with her arms stretched.

[00:18:22] Etienne: And she's smiling at me doorway with some crazy ass smile that looks like straight outta some horror movie and on the floor, like a foot away from her bed. Is a ball of poop that's the size of a softball,

[00:18:43] Heidi: Oh

[00:18:43] Etienne: and there's no poop on her hands. There's no poop that we can see smeared anywhere on her. And we're like, how, how did that happen?

[00:18:53] Etienne: How is this the possible? And we did verify it was poop. It was somebody else's patient, so we didn't actually go in to help clean her up. And I don't remember asking like, so how did it

[00:19:03] Jane: It was round.

[00:19:04] Etienne: was round and it was giant. And I am not kidding. It's like, how did that come out of a person?

[00:19:11] Jane: She dilated and just shot out like a can.

[00:19:13] Etienne: I think that's what happened.

[00:19:15] Etienne: I really think like she birthed it like a baby and spoofed it out of her. Like yeah, like shot it out like a can. And you're right, it has to be. How else did it happen? She couldn't use her hands. She couldn't even get her hands. Well, maybe she could get her hands to her butt if she was really maneuvering herself, but like I couldn't Yeah, you would think that

[00:19:33] Jane: good to the end, right? Like it was a birthing chair. Like, ah,

[00:19:37] Heidi: Well, at least she didn't do it in the bed.

[00:19:40] Etienne: Oh, well that's where most patients do it.

[00:19:42] Heidi: Yeah, but what I'm saying is like she's trying to keep herself

[00:19:46] Etienne: Oh my God.

[00:19:49] Heidi: it.

[00:19:50] Etienne: Yeah.

[00:19:51] Jane: though,

[00:19:51] Etienne: Oh

[00:19:52] Heidi: Yeah. 

[00:19:52] Jane: Like, check out my shit,

[00:19:53] Etienne: yeah. Look at my, look at what I did. I dunno. But that was my first favorite story of all time. My favorite story from the digestive disease unit, which had way less poop than the trauma step down unit, which is so surprising. I literally saw hardly any poop. It was a lot of GI surgery, it was liver failure patients, pancreatitis.

[00:20:15] Etienne: But we'd also get the patients in there that had to have bowel preps before colonoscopies if they were having bleeding issues. And it would definitely have to be somebody who. When they were pooping, they were seeing like bright red blood. So bright red blood means that you're bleeding somewhere in your actual lower GI tract.

[00:20:32] Etienne: You're not bleeding from your stomach. If you're bleeding from your stomach, it would be dark red blood. Like a brownish blood. Like a rust colored, but you would still smell blood when you pooped. So there was this, I would say, hmm, early eighties, I'll just kind say he was 85 years old man.

[00:20:49] Etienne: That was my patient and he was on full isolation for c diff, which is, it's a bacterial infection in your bowels where you just can't stop pooping and it's very contagious. You can definitely give it to everybody else. So when somebody's on, ciff precautions, we have to wear full gown and gloves. And before we leave the room, or outside of the room, we have to wash our hands with soap and water because alcohol does not kill c diff. So I remember he was kind of mobile, you know, mobile enough to get to a bedside commode, and he was starting to drink his concoction, his go lightly to prepare his bowel prep to clean out his colon so they could do the colonoscopy the next day.

[00:21:33] Etienne: And I told him. Okay, so I'd already seen him go on the toilet once and I saw he did it just like everybody else does. You kinda lean forward before you sit down, so your butt's kind of hanging out in the world and you sit it down. Like that's how a lot of people sit down in the toilet, I think.

[00:21:50] Etienne: I don't think they just like try to go straight down. I think they kind of lean over maybe at a 45 degree angle and then sit down. Well, the bedside commode has arms so you could actually hold onto the arms and go more straight up and down to sit down. And that's what I told him to do because he was having straight diarrhea.

[00:22:07] Etienne: Like it wasn't just, he already had this issue, he had a diarrhea issue. And on top of that blood. Makes you have more diarrhea. So he had extra diarrhea. Then we're giving him prep for his colonoscopy. So he's having crazy liquid coming out of his body, right? So I told him, do me a favor, just help me out here.

[00:22:28] Etienne: When you go to sit down, grab onto the arms of the bedside commode and put yourself straight down. My fault here, I did not explain why. I didn't say, if you lean forward, something bad might happen. You might miss the toilet completely. You know, so let's just go straight down.

[00:22:46] Etienne: But I didn't say that my problem. So, I'm going in and out of the room a lot. I'm helping, I'm cleaning him up, I'm putting him back in the bed. Like it just, you know, helping him back and forth while I'm also taking care of other patients that I have on the floor. And, I hadn't heard from him a little bit.

[00:23:02] Etienne: So I decided to go. I fully gowned up and I knocked on the door and opened it to check on him. And as I was walking in. He did have his arms on the bedside commode getting ready to sit down. But as I found out, he was not taking my advice and he was leaning forward as he was about to sit down and this bloody poop shot out at me, like shut out at me.

[00:23:26] Etienne: And luckily in my direction it went all over the floor. It was like a straight like fan of poop. And I don't know why I, I guess we were expecting this 'cause I was already wearing shoe coverings, so it didn't actually get on me at all. It was just. It was on my coverings, but not on my actual clothes and shoes, thank God.

[00:23:46] Etienne: And he's like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. And I'm like, it's fine, it's fine. Just sit down, you know, go to the bathroom. I'm sure you gotta do some more. I'm just gonna get somebody to help me clean this up and I'll be right back. So I take all my stuff off, throw in his trash, can wash my hands, get the hell out.

[00:24:05] Etienne: And I find my charge nurse, who is like my very good friend still. And, um, I pull her into the med room. 'cause actually his room was the closest one to the med room. But, that's also where we would go to like, talk about the patients so that they couldn't hear us. So I pulled her into the bedroom and I'm like, I told her what happened and I burst into.

[00:24:28] Etienne: Freaking like tears of laughter and she is laughing and she's crying. And we had to do that for like a full minute to get out of her system so we can go back in the room and help him clean up and get the floor all clean and yeah. And he didn't lean over anymore when he sat down. It only happened the one time he learned his lesson.

[00:24:47] Etienne: And I learned why I needed to tell people in future why I'm suggesting it to do this way, because this could happen. So

[00:24:55] Jane: Wow.

[00:24:57] Heidi: I was right.

[00:24:58] Etienne: he was so embarrassed. So it was, he was so sweet. This little old man, and he is just like, oh. And I'm like, oh my God. I mean, nothing makes people more embarrassed in life than having a pooping accident.

[00:25:11] Etienne: I swear to God. I swear to God.

[00:25:14] Jane: Yeah, like if you pee, it's almost like funny, you know? I mean, recently if, if I laugh really hard 

[00:25:21] Heidi: Mm. 

[00:25:22] Jane: like a little will, I mean, I have to be laughing really hard. And sometimes a little bit I'll be like, oh my God. I have to pee. I gotta run to go to the bathroom, you know?

[00:25:29] Jane: But that's been for a long time. It's not even, it's predates pregnancy and everything like that. That's just how I've always been.

[00:25:35] Etienne: Oh wow, okay.

[00:25:36] Jane: Just because I'm laughing so hard. I'm like, I, I have to pee. Not like it wasn't coming out,

[00:25:40] Etienne: Yeah, no, just a little dribble or.

[00:25:42] Jane: But this has happened, I think to every woman in my family.

[00:25:45] Jane: Like I remember my grandmother laughing until she peed her pants. I remember my Aunt Fran laughing until she peed her pants. I remember my mom, it would just be a thing. And then recently my daughter, who is still a teenager, she tells a story. So I'm not throwing her under the bus people.

[00:26:01] Jane: But we were at mother daughter weekend, at the beach. And we were laughing hysterically because she was trying to do these K-pop dance moves, which are highly stylized dance moves. And she was listening to a song she's trying to show me like this is how it goes.

[00:26:16] Jane: And it didn't really look like. Dancing, I guess, that I was used to at the time. It looked like she was trying to do some kind of sign language. And so I, while she was doing the moves, I was acting like the interpreter who was then saying like, what she is signing out. Because one of the moves it straight up looked like she was washing her hair.

[00:26:39] Jane: So I was just saying in a very straight voice. I was just like, and then I washed my hair and then I told him to get out, but she's sitting here just doing this very like, serious K-pop dance, dun dun, like where, her hands were going over her head and like a very stylized manner and then just pointing to the door.

[00:26:56] Jane: So I was just like, I wash my hair and then get out. So anyway, it made her laugh so hard that she, I didn't know she wasn't wearing underwear. She was wearing a coverup. 'cause we had been at the beach all day and she had taken a shower and , she was thankfully in the kitchen showing me this dance. She was wearing a coverup for a bathing suit, but no underpants.

[00:27:16] Jane: So when I was started doing the sign language thing, she knew immediately the bit that I was doing. And then she just proceeded to pee all over the floor. And she's like a grown kid, and she starts saying, I'm peeing. Oh no. And then instead of just staying in one place, she runs down the hallway, just a whole trail of piss, just like from the kitchen down the hallway.

[00:27:36] Jane: Thankfully it was all tiles, so it was easy cleanup.

[00:27:40] Etienne: Oh my

[00:27:41] Jane: I, which made me laugh so hard that I was like, hurry up, because now I have to pee. And if you don't get off the toilet, I'm going to have to get into the tub. but see, we're laughing, right? Like, that's not like a ew. Yeah. So it, it's just piss, right?

[00:27:53] Jane: It's easy to clean up. Now, if I had said, she laughed so hard that she took a

[00:27:57] Etienne: Giant dump on the floor. Yeah.

[00:27:59] Jane: on the floor, that just like, you know, because 

[00:28:02] Heidi: And then dribble shit all the way

[00:28:04] Etienne: Oh, no.

[00:28:04] Jane: it's 

[00:28:05] Heidi: the, no, that would not be the same.

[00:28:06] Jane: It's not as funny. 'cause I do have a story of when she was little and she was on the side of the pool and she went through this phase where she didn't wanna stop and take breaks if she was having fun and she had to take a shit.

[00:28:17] Jane: She's like, you know what, I can hold it,

[00:28:19] Etienne: Oh

[00:28:20] Jane: but I assure you she could not. And it all, it, it happened when she was swimming so many times. So we're at my aunt's pool and she's young though. She's like, she's, you know, She's like three, yeah, she's three years old. But she was potty trained at that point for like a year, so we've already gone through a year of, but for some reason, bathtubs, rivers, lakes, streams, any anybody of water.

[00:28:44] Jane: She's just like, I'm having so much fun. 'cause to this day she's still like a little fish. She doesn't wanna get out. And she's just like , I could hold it you know? no. So she's on the side of the pool and she's about to jump back in the pool. She's been in and outta the pool this whole time. And then thankfully my niece sees just shit just running like liquidy, diarrhea, just running down the sides of her little chubby three-year-old legs and pushes her.

[00:29:09] Jane: Says no, you can't jump back in the pool. And then I was just like, oh my God, why are you pushing her? And then I see it and I'm like, oh no. And I was like, Phoebe, you gotta use the toilet. So I go to scoop her up

[00:29:22] Etienne: Oh, no,

[00:29:22] Jane: In a thick

[00:29:24] Etienne: no. Good job.

[00:29:26] Jane: not thick

[00:29:27] Etienne: Not in your, oh, no,

[00:29:28] Heidi: Oh no.

[00:29:29] Jane: so I'm running her through my aunt's house now to get to the toilet.

[00:29:33] Jane: What I should have done is taken her to the woods and just got her naked 'cause she's three and hosed her off. That's what I should

[00:29:39] Etienne: I like a dog. Like,

[00:29:41] Jane: What I did was scooped her up, thinking it was contained in her bathing suit and scooped her up in a big, thick towel and ran through the house to the bathroom, leaving a trail of diarrhea behind me the whole time.

[00:29:53] Jane: And I didn't even know it. It was just seeping out of everything.

[00:29:56] Heidi: Oh no. 

[00:29:57] Etienne: take forever to clean up.

[00:29:59] Jane: At my aunt and uncle are like the cleanup crew. They had three kids, you know, so they were,

[00:30:03] Etienne: Did they have carpets? Please tell me. They did not have carpets.

[00:30:06] Jane: Oh, it was a hundred percent carpeted the

[00:30:08] Etienne: No,

[00:30:08] Heidi: Oh shit.

[00:30:09] Jane: The whole way, the whole way to the bathroom.

[00:30:12] Heidi: Oh no.

[00:30:13] Jane: And I'm thinking I'm doing a good thing. I get her in the bathroom and I put her in the shower and we're just doing it.

[00:30:17] Jane: And I'm just like, you have to poop at the toilet. You have to take breaks. I know. And then I just look behind me and I see that there's a little bit on the floor and I'm like, how did that happen? 'cause I thought I had her contained. And then I hear my aunt and uncle, at work, behind me.

[00:30:30] Jane: And I was like, tell me. I opened the door and I was like, tell me there's not a trail of diarrhea from here to your door. And they were like, oh, there totally is. And they were so calm. They were so calm. They're like, we got it. It's okay. And I was like, is so not okay? But thank you for not freaking out because she is three.

[00:30:49] Etienne: that's so sweet.

[00:30:51] Jane: But it was gross. It was gross. See, like that's a gross story. And she did it in our house too. Same thing. You guys have both been in my house, a trail of diarrhea. She went, oh no, this was while she was potty training. So I couldn't be upset. And, when you're potty training, you have to really loose underwear, right?

[00:31:07] Jane: So they could just pull it right down, down. I didn't know, who knows, she was gonna get diarrhea on day four, potty training. So from my upstairs window in the room over our garage, she was looking out the window and she was like, oh, got a poop. And then from there, just a trail, just imagine a trail diarrhea from the upstairs window all the way through the room, over my garage.

[00:31:28] Jane: Down the stairs, down the stairs, and then down a long hallway then to the bathroom. And then she gets there and she has like maybe a tablespoon left, but the rest of it was just all the way up. And at the time, my dog Gretzky was like, I got it. So he started working on it.

[00:31:45] Etienne: Oh, ew.

[00:31:47] Jane: Before I could, it took forever to clean it up.

[00:31:52] Jane: And I, you know, I was like, how did my 

[00:31:54] Heidi: they didn't have the enzyme cleaners back then, huh?

[00:31:56] Jane: No, they did. I, I 

[00:31:57] Heidi: Oh, they did? Okay. Okay. 

[00:31:58] Jane: Little plug for Nature's Miracle. I used it more for kid shit than dog shit. But it, it works on both.

[00:32:05] Etienne: oh my God.

[00:32:06] Jane: Yeah. But yeah, I have way too many stories of Phoebe pooping in terrible places. But those are some winners. I know that Heidi, you have, you have 

[00:32:15] Heidi: No, I did too. But you gotta tell the septic system story,

[00:32:21] Heidi: because I don't think Etty's ever heard this one.

[00:32:23] Heidi: Have you heard this one? 

[00:32:24] Etienne: think so.

[00:32:26] Jane: Well, this one is in the book, but this one

[00:32:28] Heidi: Yeah. Okay. So maybe we save it

[00:32:31] Jane: I know right, but, well, I sorry, I'll tell the Cliff notes version.

[00:32:35] Heidi: Okay.

[00:32:35] Jane: My grandparents. Had a septic tank and I didn't know anything about septic, whatever, but my grandfather was always very, very zealous about telling you to fold and wipe, like he would give you tutorials on how much toilet paper was an appropriate amount to use. Right. First I just thought it was like a depression era thing. 'cause they grew up during the depression, so they're just like, don't waste the toilet paper. And you just fold it and you wipe [00:33:00] it, you fold and wipe and he didn't buy expensive toilet paper either. So I was like, I'm gonna need like a bigger wad than that, but it's okay.

[00:33:06] Jane: But I tried to fold and wipe,

[00:33:08] Etienne: I hope it wasn't like gas station toilet paper. That's totally

[00:33:11] Jane: It wasn't that bad, but it wasn't that much better

[00:33:13] Etienne: Okay.

[00:33:14] Jane: So I go and I won that special lottery in hell where you flush and it just keeps coming up, coming up, coming up, coming up. And now I. Now a little PSA, if you didn't know this, on the side of your toilet tank, there is like a little,

[00:33:32] Etienne: the turn off button or turn off. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:33:34] Jane: valve. If this ever happens to you, if you're ever somewhere and the water's coming up and it doesn't stop coming up, just lean down and look at the thing that looks like a little it, it, it's a, it's a

[00:33:46] Etienne: Yeah, it's like oval

[00:33:47] Jane: yeah, it's oval shape most of the time. Turn it clockwise as far as it'll go, and the water will stop to your toilet and you will not have a cascade of shit.

[00:33:56] Jane: I don't know that that would've worked in this situation though, because not only did it start coming up and over the toilet, and it was more than just my shit. I'm like, I know how much I, shit. This is like

[00:34:08] Heidi: It's a

[00:34:08] Jane: other people

[00:34:09] Etienne: Oh no,

[00:34:11] Heidi: it was coming through the bathtub

[00:34:13] Jane: It came up through the

[00:34:14] Etienne: the bathtub.

[00:34:15] Jane: Yes. There was like more gurgling and now it's coming up in the sink

[00:34:19] Etienne: Oh, no, no.

[00:34:21] Jane: and I was just like, this is at

[00:34:24] Etienne: is like a horror story. is a nightmare.

[00:34:26] Jane: years old and

[00:34:27] Etienne: 13.

[00:34:27] Jane: I remember I'm 13 and I'm going, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up like thinking like there's no way that this is actually happening, that it's actually coming into the tub and the

[00:34:36] Jane: sink

[00:34:37] Jane: And so I'm telling my sister, I'm like, go get grandma grandpa. There was nothing I could do,

[00:34:42] Jane: So

[00:34:42] Jane: she runs upstairs to go get them and they come down and at the same time, and my grandmother's wearing an apron and they immediately send my sister back upstairs to get a big stack of newspapers to help mop up.

[00:34:54] Jane: It's just shit now it's like all over the floor. It's coming out of the sink. It's, it's crazy. And my grandfather's like, what is this? I'm like, it's the only time I've ever heard my grandmother swear. And that's how I knew that this was a terrible thing. just looks at him, she goes, that's shit Tom.

[00:35:10] Jane: It's shit like it's Brooklyn accent. And I was like, oh no, I made my grandma swear

[00:35:17] Jane: surely

[00:35:17] Jane: gonna hell now. And, um. I didn't know what to do. Then my sister comes running into the bathroom Now their bathroom had one door that opened into a bedroom and then another door that opened into a living area.

[00:35:31] Jane: And this is all on a walkout basement level. So thankfully it's tile. 'Cause it was like a lake house, right?

[00:35:38] Etienne: Wait. Oh, they lived in a lake house.

[00:35:41] Etienne: okay

[00:35:41] Etienne: I thought you, this shit was so bad. It turned into a

[00:35:45] Jane: No, no, They lived on the lake. And so my sister comes running into the room, into the bathroom from the bedroom area with a stack of newspapers so high that is over her. And she can't see that. Now the shit's all over the floor. And she literally hit it. She's in her bare feet. She's hit the floor and just fell on her butt and newspapers

[00:36:06] Jane: everywhere And she

[00:36:07] Jane: slid in one door and out the

[00:36:09] Jane: other just like 

[00:36:11] Heidi: a.

[00:36:11] Heidi: slip and slide.

[00:36:12] Jane: Just a slip inside of shit. And it was, in retrospect, one of the funniest things I have ever seen is to watch

[00:36:18] Jane: my sister just

[00:36:19] Jane: riding this wave

[00:36:20] Jane: of shit

[00:36:20] Jane: Like, just right out of the bathroom, just like, boom. But, at the time, I, I actually was where I was like, she's gonna get diseases.

[00:36:27] Jane: Like,

[00:36:27] Jane: she's

[00:36:29] Jane: like, there everywhere.

[00:36:31] Etienne: Keep your mouth closed. 

[00:36:33] Jane: Yeah 

[00:36:33] Etienne: Keep eyes closed.

[00:36:35] Jane: but I mean, it did distribute the newspapers kind of evenly

[00:36:38] Etienne: Oh,

[00:36:38] Jane: the bathroom

[00:36:39] Jane: which

[00:36:40] Jane: is what my grandmother wanted. But, it was and they looked at her and they were just like, she's just covered in shit.

[00:36:45] Jane: And they were just

[00:36:46] Jane: like, go jump in the lake.

[00:36:47] Jane: And I was like, oh,

[00:36:48] Etienne: Oh no.

[00:36:50] Jane: And then I'm like, I have to leave. I think that they're gonna kill me. So I took my dog for the longest walk ever. I didn't know what to do. And when I came back they were just like, okay, listen, what. They were asking me like, did you flush a kotex pad down the toilet.

[00:37:04] Jane: But she couldn't say that if she, at first leading up to asking me if I did that, she had to then have this whole painful birds and bees conversation with me. That then ended with did you flush Kotex down the, I'm like, we could've led with that. I know what a period is, but was 15 minutes of like, your body is changing to, to lead up to Did you flush Kotex down the toilet?

[00:37:25] Jane: And I was like, no. They had a specialist come look at it. What had happened was there was a crack in the pipe that over the years had gotten little pieces of toilet paper stuck in it. And I just really did win, like the lottery in hell where it was the winning flush where there was now just spackle, just like, nothing's going to, so everything just came up.

[00:37:46] Jane: There had already been like shit. Building up literally to where that clog was with all the clogged toilet paper and fecal matter, whatever over the years that it was just like spackled shut. And now my flush was we go down and Nope, Vesuvius, just shit Vesuvius. And

[00:38:03] Etienne: my God.

[00:38:04] Jane: yeah, it was coming up out of all the things anyway, it was bad.

[00:38:08] Jane: And then they had to then do some kind of septic thing because it was, the septic tank lived underneath their patio, so

[00:38:15] Etienne: Oh no, they took,

[00:38:17] Jane: jackhammer it to get to

[00:38:18] Jane: to 

[00:38:19] Etienne: How, how would they, I mean, aren't you supposed to empty a septic tank every so often? would they

[00:38:24] Etienne: empty if it was

[00:38:24] Etienne: under the Or is there a separate valve to get

[00:38:27] Jane: think there's a separate valve. So to do the repair, they had to use a jackhammer to get to it under the patio.

[00:38:33] Etienne: Well, at least it your fault.

[00:38:36] Jane: It wasn't. But for a couple of hours they definitely told me it was my fault. And my grandfather was just like, I told you to fold and wipe. And I'm like, there is no way that I use that much toilet paper also.

[00:38:49] Jane: That is not, I didn't poop this much. This is enough poop. Like gallons

[00:38:52] Jane: of 

[00:38:52] Etienne: know. If there was some, if that was all your poop, you would be dead.

[00:38:56] Etienne: Yeah

[00:38:56] Etienne: Dead.

[00:38:57] Jane: There would

[00:38:58] Jane: literally be there 

[00:38:59] Etienne: You had just died. You just saw that poop is in you. You No. How are you alive? You would not be alive.

[00:39:04] Heidi: Literally full of shit.

[00:39:06] Etienne: Yes.

[00:39:06] Jane: gallons, of it

[00:39:08] Jane: anyway

[00:39:09] Etienne: Oh my God.

[00:39:10] Heidi: I love that story.

[00:39:11] Etienne: That's

[00:39:12] Heidi: Just, I, I have

[00:39:13] Etienne: like,

[00:39:13] Heidi: every

[00:39:14] Heidi: time you tell it. I think of the poop slip and slide. And your poor sister. 

[00:39:19] Etienne: oh God 

[00:39:21] Heidi: Yeah. And the fold and wipe just kills me every time.

[00:39:24] Heidi: I've had to land in a toilet in a plane twice now.

[00:39:31] Etienne: Oh God.

[00:39:31] Heidi: So there's one story that made it in Shiterature and then another stray that's happened since then. But I have had horrible, horrible, I don't know, some kind of bug or food poisoning. Something, one time it was coming from Panama, the second time it was coming from Ireland and I basically had to land in a toilet 'cause I just could not leave the toilet enough to even sit.

[00:40:01] Heidi: Like it was just, yeah. So yeah, I've done that twice now.

[00:40:05] Etienne: Now how long were you in there before a flight attendant, knocked on the door or something to make sure you

[00:40:09] Heidi: Well, it was like I would use it and then I would have to go right back. And the flight from Ireland, actually it was coming out both ends 'cause I was just majorly sick. So my ex, he got to be sick in a castle with marble floors. And then I, when it finally hit me, we were over the ocean and in a plane and you know how gross those planes

[00:40:34] Etienne: Oh, so

[00:40:34] Heidi: plane toilets are.

[00:40:36] Heidi: So I am, yeah, having to switch back and forth and puke a little bit and then shit a little bit and, oh yeah, it was terrible. But they basically set aside one whole toilet for me

[00:40:49] Etienne: Wow.

[00:40:50] Heidi: on that flight. 'cause I could not, I would go back to my seat and just immediately.

[00:40:54] Etienne: start sweating again. Where is it like the

[00:40:56] Heidi: Oh, it

[00:40:57] Etienne: that come with the diarrhea vomiting and your mouth starts watering. 'cause you're gonna vomit. That whole,

[00:41:01] Heidi: Yeah. And the Uber ride back to our house was just awful. I was

[00:41:05] Etienne: how you do that?

[00:41:07] Etienne: did you

[00:41:07] Etienne: do that?

[00:41:08] Etienne: Like

[00:41:08] Etienne: how

[00:41:08] Heidi: no, no. somehow kept together for the little ride between the airport and our house, 

[00:41:15] Etienne: my

[00:41:15] Etienne: God.

[00:41:16] Heidi: it was awful. just couldn't believe it happened again. I was like, I can't believe I'm landing in the toilet again.

[00:41:23] Etienne: think if

[00:41:23] Etienne: I had been pooping on the plane and I had to get on an Uber, I might stop at the gift shop and buy a blanket, like the cheapest freaking blanket I could find to sit on in the Uber just in case so, or maybe get a trash bag.

[00:41:37] Heidi: I I don't think I had anything left in me, to be honest with you. Like it was just stomach cramps at that point, like just, yeah,

[00:41:45] Jane: Looks like your ass had the dry heaths.

[00:41:48] Etienne: Oh my

[00:41:49] Etienne: God 

[00:41:49] Heidi: yeah, yeah. So.

[00:41:51] Etienne: like spasming, but nothing's happening anymore.

[00:41:54] Heidi: Yeah, yeah. Basically. But, but yeah, twice. Twice I've

[00:41:59] Etienne: Do you know what you ate on the Ireland trip?

[00:42:02] Heidi: well, the Ireland trip, I'm pretty sure we caught something 'cause he was sick first coming out, both ends, but in a castle, so 

[00:42:12] Etienne: then

[00:42:12] Etienne: you probably caught it from him right away if

[00:42:14] Heidi: Mm-hmm. Yeah.

[00:42:15] Etienne: that he got it from. Yeah.

[00:42:17] Heidi: Yep.

[00:42:18] Etienne: always those kind of infections are so easy to catch from other people. They're so contagious.

[00:42:24] Heidi: yeah, yeah. So yeah, I was a delayed, got it a couple days after him and hit me while we were flying back home. So

[00:42:34] Etienne: Oh my God.

[00:42:36] Heidi: yeah, it was pretty bad. And then, okay, so my funny story is I used to work in a daycare.

[00:42:43] Etienne: Oh no.

[00:42:44] Heidi: And

[00:42:44] Heidi: I had

[00:42:45] Heidi: the two 3-year-old group,

[00:42:48] Etienne: Oh no.

[00:42:49] Heidi: most of the time I would have six boys, right? Six 2-year-old boys.

[00:42:54] Heidi: And they were a riot. They would, oh my gosh. They were always up to antics. Like I'd be changing one kid and I'd see Jared, the leader, and he was the youngest, he's in the lead and like four other little boys are following him into the little person bathroom. And I could just hear the toilet being flushed over and over.

[00:43:13] Heidi: And I'm like, oh, what are they doing? Well, they were doing swirlies for each other, like putting their heads in and

[00:43:20] Heidi: flushing 

[00:43:20] Etienne: no.

[00:43:21] Heidi: And

[00:43:21] Heidi: uh, yeah. So they were up to all kinds of antics and I'm trying not to laugh and well, one day I get this little girl put into my group. 'cause they would switch kids around depending on who would show up and who didn't.

[00:43:35] Heidi: So I got this 3-year-old girl put into my group. And during nap time, all of a sudden we're smelling the smell of shit.

[00:43:44] Etienne: Oh, no.

[00:43:45] Heidi: And, during nap time, everybody kind of like napped together. And it was like three groups in one, and the three teachers, we would all be eating lunch.

[00:43:53] Heidi: And so we were just like, oh, who's gonna be the lucky person who gets to clean up whatever that is. Um, the lights

[00:44:01] Etienne: that one?

[00:44:02] Heidi: were just like, who's gonna be the lucky winner? And lights come on. And it's this little girl and she has shit herself and has scooped it out of her diaper. She still wasn't potty trained, but she scooped it out of her diaper and had smeared it on herself.

[00:44:21] Heidi: Everyone around her, like making, I don't know, poop finger painting or whatever. So yeah, so as the women are getting the rest of the kids outside for playtime outside, I am cleaning three traumatized, well, two traumatized, but one, just like, she thought it was hilarious toddlers.

[00:44:40] Heidi: So I'm cleaning them up. Well, at first I try to get the, so the one little girl, her mom worked there actually,

[00:44:46] Etienne: The one who one who was playing with the poop is the

[00:44:48] Heidi: yes, the one that scooped her poop out and spread it. So her mom worked there and I tried to, I was like, Hey, your little girl did this. And she was like, oh yeah, you get to take care of that.

[00:45:01] Etienne: Oh, no. That is not the appropriate response there.

[00:45:05] Heidi: No. Yeah, she was kind of evil. So yeah, I had to clean up these three kids and oh my gosh, the other two kids, their parents were so pissed 'cause I had to send back a Ziploc full of clothes. Were just. Shit covered and I'm like,

[00:45:20] Etienne: You're like, shit, is this, is this my

[00:45:22] Etienne: kid

[00:45:24] Jane: I think that's the thing. It's somebody else's

[00:45:27] Etienne: Yeah. If it was their yeah.

[00:45:29] Heidi: Yeah, someone else's. Yeah. Yeah. I didn't work there for very long, but it was a trip working there.

[00:45:36] Etienne: Oh my God. Oh, I can't even imagine how mad I would be if somebody tried to smear poop on me when I was a kid. I would just be like, what are you doing? Get your poop off me. I mean, we used to run around and do the cooty game, I can't even imagine. That was just touching with nothing on your hand.

[00:45:56] Etienne: Like you put some poop in there. I'd be like, you wanna see how fast

[00:46:00] Etienne: I run

[00:46:01] Etienne: I'm fast.

[00:46:06] Jane: I mean, I'll step in for some reason, if, even if it's like dog shit, I'm mad, but I'm like, it's dog shit. If it's like random other person shit, I'm

[00:46:14] Jane: like

[00:46:14] Jane: what? Like I don't want any part of that. and if it's little kid shit, it doesn't make it much better. If for me it's not any better. It's just, I mean.

[00:46:23] Etienne: your son

[00:46:26] Heidi: Well, the first time I encountered the neon green poop, I seriously thought this kid was dying. I had not known about the food dye thing, turning things neon green, but the first time I saw that I was like, oh my God, what is this?

[00:46:41] Jane: It nuclear. My mom called the pediatrician the first time I went to a party and had great Kool-Aid 'cause we didn't have that. And I pooped and I remember being alarmed as a child. I was just like, oh, that's new. You know? I was like, I should probably tell my mom because that looks toxic.

[00:46:57] Jane: I know. And I showed her, I was like, mommy, my poop is green. And she's like, that happens sometimes. I'm like, no, no, no. It's really, really like bright green. Because I was like, maybe five. Maybe six. And yes, old enough to be like, go getter and be like, come look at this.

[00:47:11] Heidi: Yeah.

[00:47:11] Jane: And she looked at it, went, oh, like, I just her face.

[00:47:14] Jane: And my mom, she ran a daycare kind of out of our house, so you couldn't phase her very easily. She was phased.

[00:47:21] Jane: She like I need

[00:47:21] Jane: to call the doctor. And then the doctor said, oh yeah, die just does that. And I remember my mom thinking, well, maybe we shouldn't be eating anything that makes your poop look like that.

[00:47:31] Jane: 'cause that and so we did not have grape things like that normally, like I said, that was at a birthday party, so you don't know what you're coming home with,

[00:47:41] Etienne: Well, even as an adult you can do that with your poop. Like I, a couple months ago was eating really, really poorly, not feeling too great in the head and I was punishing myself with a whole box of Lucky Charms and

[00:47:53] Jane: oh

[00:47:55] Heidi: Oh man.

[00:47:56] Etienne: the next day my poop was definitely green

[00:48:02] Jane: oh.

[00:48:03] Jane: my God, I had

[00:48:04] Etienne: not bright not, not the kind of green it sounds like you're talking about, but definitely like green.

[00:48:11] Jane: Did you poop marshmallow rainbows and 

[00:48:13] Etienne: I don't know

[00:48:13] Etienne: why they're so colorful. When you eat them in the bowl and it comes out, it's green like.

[00:48:19] Jane: Oh my god. You know, I knew that beats could make your poop red because that had happened to me a couple times where I love beets and I would eat them and then look at the bowl and be like, whoa. 'cause it'll turn the water red too, you look like you're dying.

[00:48:31] Jane: Like you

[00:48:32] Jane: I mean, I ate a,

[00:48:32] Jane: I 

[00:48:33] Etienne: know.

[00:48:34] Jane: a of beets, like it was a whole salad full of just nothing but beets and some, a couple of pieces of lettuce.

[00:48:39] Jane: I them

[00:48:40] Jane: But every time I eat beets, I say it out loud at the table, I'm like, I'm making a mental note that I'm eating beets. 'cause then tomorrow, then I'm not gonna freak

[00:48:47] Jane: out

[00:48:49] Heidi: yeah,

[00:48:49] Jane: I, I ate so many beats that it's actually a small amount of population. It will turn your urine pink. And I did not know that until this past summer. I was having a beat festival one day and it happened and like my pee was also, it was pink. As soon as it happened I was like, okay, I already made the mental note about beat shit later.

[00:49:10] Jane: But I did, this is probably a thing also. So I'm sitting there 'cause it happened,

[00:49:14] Etienne: it while you're sitting

[00:49:15] Jane: you know, I Googled it in the bathroom 'cause I was at somebody else's house and I just need to know that everything's fine so I can enjoy the rest of my night and not make this about me. I'm like,

[00:49:23] Jane: something's happening

[00:49:24] Jane: And it's totally a thing. So, if you like beats people, just pay attention. It's interesting.

[00:49:32] Etienne: a chemotherapy we give to kids. I'm sure the adults get it too, but it makes their pee. I think it makes it blue. I haven't, yeah, I haven't seen it. I, God, I've given the drug, but I've never been there the next day to see the pee. So.

[00:49:46] Jane: That's frightening. I would be so

[00:49:48] Etienne: Yeah, you have to warn them. 'cause otherwise they think they're dying.

[00:49:51] Etienne: Well, I mean, they could be dying, Billy.

[00:49:53] Jane: Oh,

[00:49:54] Etienne: Sorry. Sorry. We have to laugh like that. We cry all the time. We have

[00:49:59] Etienne: to jokes

[00:50:01] Etienne: Have to make the jokes. No, but yeah, we warn 'em at a time. So you, your urine's probably is gonna be blue tomorrow? Not probably. It will be blue.

[00:50:11] Jane: do you get, I'm excited. Like it's like Cookie

[00:50:13] Etienne: I would be excited. I'd be like, yes. Oh, it can be like

[00:50:16] Heidi: I have alien pee now

[00:50:19] Etienne: Oh my god.

[00:50:21] Heidi: I got an alien injection.

[00:50:24] Etienne: What? 

[00:50:25] Jane: That

[00:50:25] Jane: sounds like

[00:50:26] Etienne: That sounds, yeah, sounds

[00:50:27] Etienne: like a

[00:50:28] Etienne: like

[00:50:28] Etienne: he came and, uh.

[00:50:33] Jane: Uh,

[00:50:34] Heidi: Okay. I meant like infusion alien, alien, alien. DNA infusion. So now my, pee is blue.

[00:50:43] Jane: we went from dying kids to porn categories

[00:50:46] Jane: in like

[00:50:46] Jane: five second slat. I think that's

[00:50:47] Jane: a

[00:50:49] Heidi: is

[00:50:49] Heidi: a record.

[00:50:53] Jane: we're coming full circle feel like I need to pee, but,

[00:50:55] Jane: um

[00:50:56] Etienne: Hurt.

[00:50:56] Jane: yeah. Well because you're laughing.

[00:50:58] Jane: okay I'm okay 

[00:51:03] Heidi: All right. So yeah. Do we have any other poop pee period bathroom

[00:51:09] Heidi: stories 

[00:51:09] Jane: We have enough for a

[00:51:10] Jane: novel 

[00:51:11] Etienne: know do. Well, you did

[00:51:12] Etienne: have

[00:51:13] Heidi: I know, I know, Well, we, we are definitely gonna start submitting this book again, I think, 'cause I think we are just ahead of our time.

[00:51:21] Etienne: You were, I think it could be sold. Yeah. Or you guys, you could sell it maybe as is, aren't there? Um,

[00:51:27] Heidi: We need to more stories,

[00:51:29] Etienne: like one off printing where it's doesn't cost any, does Amazon do that or

[00:51:33] Jane: Amazon does do the print on demand stuff

[00:51:34] Jane: and I 

[00:51:35] Etienne: it. Print on demand

[00:51:36] Etienne: is the words I

[00:51:36] Etienne: was looking for.

[00:51:37] Jane: we, toned down the name and called it Flush This Book, and I think that that might actually still be available on Amazon. Is it

[00:51:44] Etienne: Oh.

[00:51:45] Heidi: Oh, maybe flush this book. Yeah, that was kind of like the smaller version

[00:51:50] Jane: it was, it had like the stories were truncated and then we had fun facts about poop and then we short, quick hit things, which I

[00:51:57] Heidi: But it was digital. That was only [00:52:00] digital though.

[00:52:00] Jane: Yes.

[00:52:01] Heidi: did not have it in print. Print on demand.

[00:52:03] Jane: It needs to be print

[00:52:05] Heidi: Yeah. Yeah. 'cause more of like a humor book that you keep in the bathroom.

[00:52:10] Etienne: Yeah. So those men that, that spend half their day in the bathroom have something to read.

[00:52:15] Jane: Yes

[00:52:16] Jane: Also that was 2011, Heidi. Oh my god.

[00:52:19] Etienne: Wow.

[00:52:21] Jane: So it is still listed on Amazon, but I don't know if anybody ever bought it. Or do we even know,

[00:52:31] Etienne: How do you know,

[00:52:32] Jane: buying 

[00:52:32] Heidi: idea

[00:52:33] Etienne: Amazon's not

[00:52:34] Heidi: because we

[00:52:34] Heidi: went through Book

[00:52:35] Heidi: Baby too.

[00:52:36] Heidi: I

[00:52:38] Jane: Yeah,

[00:52:38] Heidi: haven't gotten a check in ages and they were small, $7 here, $5

[00:52:45] Jane: well because it's a 99 cent book. So I think we should redo it as Shiterature and get like serious because I think that that's, first of all, the name shiterature Like people

[00:52:56] Etienne: I love shiterature. That so good. shiterature

[00:52:58] Heidi: me too. I think we chose that other name 'cause we were able to get the domain. That was it.

[00:53:04] Etienne: Hmm

[00:53:06] Jane: No, we,

[00:53:07] Heidi: matter.

[00:53:07] Jane: we. were told that we should change it. We had many people advising us at different conferences, that having shit in the title was just too much and there would have to be an exclamation point or blurred out. And that, that sometimes it might

[00:53:20] Heidi: Well, and now you got all these books, so shit, and, and they

[00:53:23] Jane: they're everywhere.

[00:53:24] Heidi: everywhere now.

[00:53:25] Etienne: Shiterature, back to shiterature.

[00:53:26] Etienne: Mm-hmm 

[00:53:27] Heidi: Shiterature's the way to go.

[00:53:29] Jane: I think that we revisit it and just redo our comp titles and see this is part of the process folks, is that sometimes the trend, you're just so ahead of the right? You just gotta wait it to actually catch And then you'd ride

[00:53:40] Heidi: we really talk about how close we got. We got to committee level at a couple different imprints and we got stopped in marketing Analysis

[00:53:51] Jane: Yeah. One of them St. Martin's. These weren't like, know, was like

[00:53:54] Heidi: source books was the other one. Right. So we got stopped in market analysis because there was no one out there like us.

[00:54:01] Etienne: Which is why there's a freaking market. I mean, if there's, you're the first one there. Why does there have to be somebody before you? Somebody has to be first,

[00:54:10] Jane: But they wanna be able to say, this is where we would shelve it. But we knew exactly where we'd be shelved. We're like, we're the impulse by at Urban Outfitters. Like the gift book that you get. Your uncle who always loves a good fart joke and is always talking about shit. Everybody has people like that in their family.

[00:54:23] Jane: We're not the only ones talking about this. Some people think it's disgusting and they never wanna talk about it. And they might be people who have listened to other podcasts of ours and they're like, we're gonna skip this one.

[00:54:32] Jane: But

[00:54:33] Jane: there other people

[00:54:34] Heidi: gonna have to have trigger warning on

[00:54:36] Jane: yes. Well, I mean the

[00:54:37] Jane: title will

[00:54:38] Jane: say it and

[00:54:38] Heidi: Yeah, yeah,

[00:54:40] Jane: but some people are like, oh yeah, I'm here for it.

[00:54:42] Jane: I also like, you know, I'm gonna shit myself on an international flight and they wanna hear about your Montezuma's revenge or whatever they call it, coming back from Mexico and Ireland. And they wanna be like, I'm not alone. This shit happens

[00:54:53] Jane: to 

[00:54:54] Etienne: Or your.

[00:54:54] Heidi: one more story 'cause I'm hoping to find this girl. I don't think I should tell her full name, but I recently remembered it when I was talking about alcohol shits, right. Drinking too much and having the shits. So this is the day I left my first ex-husband.

[00:55:11] Heidi: I got really drunk with my girlfriend 'cause she was leaving for Japan a day or two later. And we got really drunk and ended up back at her room. And I did not make it to the bathroom in time. And I just, shit everywhere, everywhere. This woman, she was such a good friend. IWI wanna find her like, 'cause after she went to Japan, I lost touch with her.

[00:55:38] Heidi: But, she cleaned up everything, cleaned up me, put me to

[00:55:41] Etienne: Oh my God.

[00:55:42] Heidi: like, took care of me. I mean, just a saint for doing that. Like I would love to find her.

[00:55:50] Etienne: carpet.

[00:55:50] Jane: out there

[00:55:51] Etienne: she?

[00:55:51] Jane: out 

[00:55:51] Heidi: I sh

[00:55:52] Heidi: should I say her full name?

[00:55:55] Jane: just say name. She,

[00:55:56] Heidi: yeah, Susan. T if you're out there, we were stationed at Holloman Air Force Base together. You took care of me.

[00:56:03] Heidi: You were a very good friend. I would love to find you so

[00:56:06] Etienne: well, I hope she reaches out.

[00:56:07] Heidi: I do too. I do too. I would love to find her.

[00:56:10] Etienne: Oh, gosh.

[00:56:11] Heidi: Yeah.

[00:56:11] Jane: if you're out there and someone has told you a story at the time that they cleaned up somebody who shit themselves and they were drunk and you know that they were in the Air Force and 

[00:56:18] Heidi: At

[00:56:19] Heidi: Holman Air Force Base in New Mexico.

[00:56:22] Jane: It's gotta be her.

[00:56:23] Heidi: Early nineties.

[00:56:24] Etienne: Yeah.

[00:56:25] Etienne: Help Heidi. Get in touch with Susan t.

[00:56:27] Heidi: Yeah.

[00:56:28] Jane: no way she's not telling that

[00:56:29] Etienne: Yeah.

[00:56:30] Heidi: 'cause, Oh yeah. 'cause I destroyed her bathroom and then when I woke up it was all clean and I was in clean cl like, she really took care of me it was so sweet. And I just wanted, yeah. Say thank you again. I'm so sorry I got so drunk that I shit everywhere.

[00:56:47] Etienne: Oh my gosh. Oh

[00:56:50] Heidi: Yeah. So that was my final, final story.

[00:56:58] Jane: I

[00:56:58] Jane: think 

[00:56:58] Heidi: you got shit story, let us know. We wanna hear it. 'cause we, I think we should collect more and make this a

[00:57:08] Jane: put it in the comments or email us and we'll add to the next edition of

[00:57:12] Etienne: Yeah. Can just shiterature volume too.

[00:57:17] Jane: Or it'll just be shiterature volume one, but it'll be like more comprehensive We'll have better 

[00:57:22] Heidi: We'll have more stories than just ours and our family members and

[00:57:27] Heidi: yeah. 

[00:57:28] Jane: send us your shit stories. Don't send us your shit.

[00:57:31] Etienne: Please. No, don't send a shit. 

[00:57:33] Heidi: That's our show you've been listening to, the Women are Plotting. If you have a story you'd like to share or have any comments, we'd love to hear from you. Email us at info@thewomenareplotting.com and of course you can find us on all the socials. Thanks, and until next time, be safe and be excellent to each other.