Dating Profiles

We roast terrible dating photos, celebrate profiles that actually work, and trade stories about the green flags and red flags hiding in plain sight. From “naked elf on the shelf” to coachable partners and clever bios, we map the line between playful and off-putting.

• why bathroom selfies and hotel tub shots repel
• how smiling, eye contact, and daylight build trust
• why context photos beat brooding car pics
• honest bios that charm vs edgy lines that alarm
• coachable partners and sexual communication
• hygiene, boundaries, and safety as non-negotiables
• what to crop out: kids, exes, and random friends
• profile formulas that convert swipes to dates
• when to walk away from reschedules and duds

Email us at info@thewomenareplotting.com, and find us on all the socials. Be safe and be excellent to each other.

Chapters

• 0:00 Naked Elf On The Shelf
• 0:52 Welcome And Episode Setup
• 1:10 In 2023, How Many Partnered People Met Their Significant Other On a Dating App?
• 2:04 What's the Most Common Male Dating Photo?
• 2:47 Who's the Photographer in the Non-Bathroom Profile Pics?
• 3:04 Worst Bios We’ve Ever Seen
• 7:25 Etienne’s “Wall” Of Conquests
• 8:58 The Tom Cruise/Jacob Elordi Wannabe
• 9:54 The Verve Lookalike Londoner
• 13:14 Male Bo Derek and the Sex Lesson
• 16:48 Casey Affleck Lookalike Who Puts Christian Grey To Shame
• 17:05 Golden Retriever Energy Guy
• 19:13 Naked Elf on a Shelf - The Full Story
• 24:28 One of Etty's Random English Guys
• 25:16 The Guy With the Terrible Blurb
• 26:36 The English College Student Who Wanted Detailed Sexual Instructions
• 27:58 The British Windmill Engineer That Etty Would've Smuggled Back To America
• 30:18 The Very Memorable Citadel Cadet
• 33:58 The Scat Play/Emetophilia Man
• 37:17 A Few FetLife Duds - From Small Penis to Micropenis
• 41:21 The Guy With the Tire Swing In His Profile Picture
• 42:27 Serj Tankian Lookalike Didn't Deliver
• 43:44 The Profile Pic That Looks Like It Was Taken At Hooters
• 45:31 The One Without a Speck of a Sense of Humor
• 46:01 Mr. Citadel Abs Who Made Sweet, Sweet Love
• 47:41 The Sleepy Guitar Teacher
• 49:05 Superman's Weak, But Honest, Younger Brother
• 50:53 The Guy With His Newborn Baby In His Profile Pic
• 52:04 And Finally...The Jared Leto Lookalike
• 53:27 The Actual First Guy Who Broke the Seal
• 54:10 Ways To Succeed In Profile Pictures and Description Blurbs
• 55:23 How Missouri Became a Thing for Etty
• 59:10 The British Orphanage Social Worker
• 1:00:50 And Last But Not Least...The God of Oral Sex

Transcript

[00:00:00] Jane: Okay. Can we talk about the whole thing that precipitated this. This whole episode about profile picks was a guy who, that, that did not make the wall because 

[00:00:13] Heidi: you never hooked up with him.

[00:00:14] Jane: ever hook up with this guy, but his profile that he sent you 

[00:00:18] Etienne: Daisy, I'm gonna send it to you again right now. So you have it. But you have this picture. You have

[00:00:22] Jane: Daisy

[00:00:23] Daisy: Oh, is it the Elf on the Elf on the shelf? That one

[00:00:27] Etienne: shelf.

[00:00:29] Heidi: Oh my God, on the shelf. 

[00:00:31] Daisy: That is what I call it. I call it Naked Elf on the shelf.

[00:00:35] Jane: Yes. So there are, see, this is how bad the Daisy knew just from us saying absurd. And that, that he was never actually, you know, he never bedded, Etty. 

[00:00:50] Etienne: Welcome listeners. This is The Women Are Plotting. I'm Etienne Rose Olivier and I'm here with my friends and co-hosts, Heidi Willis and Jane Gari.

[00:01:05] Etienne: On today's episode, we're gonna be talking about dating profiles. 

[00:01:10] Etienne: And, my fun fact for today is approximately one in 10 partnered adults met their current significant other through a dating app, according to the 2023 Pew Research Center study. And I would just like to comment that I a hundred percent believe that. I've met many people through dating apps. Those are the profiles we're gonna be using today. And, I just wanna know how many people lie about which dating app they met their partners. Just because I happen to know there's one person in particular who's lied so hard about where they met their current partner. They totally toned it down and said, oh, it was on Match.

[00:01:50] Etienne: But that's not really the case. So, I'm gonna throw it over to Daisy now, who you guys remember for another previous episode that she has been on with us. And, she's on again today to talk about dating profiles.

[00:02:04] Daisy: All right, thanks Etienne. 

[00:02:05] Daisy: So my fun fact is the bathroom mirror selfie is the most common male dating photo.

[00:02:13] Heidi: it's the worst one.

[00:02:15] Daisy: it still ranks as one of the most disliked by women, yet they keep doing it.

[00:02:21] Heidi: What the heck?

[00:02:22] Daisy: so

[00:02:22] Etienne: as unsolicited dick pics.

[00:02:24] Daisy: right.

[00:02:25] Heidi: Yes.

[00:02:27] Etienne: Sorry.

[00:02:28] Heidi: You know what's funny? I took a bathroom picture 'cause I wanted to put it on my profile just as a joke

[00:02:33] Etienne: Oh, it's a

[00:02:34] Heidi: anybody would get it.

[00:02:35] Etienne: didn't make it one. I,

[00:02:37] Heidi: No, no, no. I haven't updated my profile. I haven't been on Hinge in a while. So, yeah.

[00:02:42] Daisy: Well, Heidi, I'm gonna throw it on over to you for your fun fact.

[00:02:46] Heidi: Okay. 

[00:02:51] Heidi: So this is according to Reddit, which is not scientific study, half of those non selfie picks in people's profiles were taken by somebody they were doing on the regular. That was

[00:02:57] Etienne: Oh my Lord.

[00:02:59] Heidi: So

[00:03:00] Daisy: So

[00:03:00] Etienne: That's

[00:03:01] Heidi: That's something to contemplate.

[00:03:03] Etienne: That's.

[00:03:05] Heidi: And Jane, what's your fun fact?

[00:03:07] Jane: All right. 

[00:03:08] Jane: Mine is not really that fun. I just was like, how bad is it getting out there? And so I was just looking for like the worst profile blurbs that people had put out there. Like, someone rated them. So it was kind of a Buzzfeed style article. And so the number one worst little profile blurb that anyone found is it's just one sentence.

[00:03:30] Jane: And it's so offensive that I was just like, how is this a real thing? But it was after the little like about me, it says I'm a time traveler. I've come back so that this time you can consent. Who

[00:03:44] Etienne: what?

[00:03:45] Heidi: What?

[00:03:46] Jane: Does that exactly? I wish everybody could see everybody's faces right now. 'Cause I couldn't not. Unsee that. I'm like, how is this a thing?

[00:03:57] Etienne: anybody swipe on that one? Who is

[00:04:00] Jane: what I'm thinking. Who's doing that? Okay. So that was the worst one for male. And then the worst one for a woman was, I might go to prison mid-January and if not, I'll get a suspended sentence so at least you know, I won't try to kill you. And then she's got like this little happy like, ha

[00:04:14] Etienne: Oh,

[00:04:15] Jane: I'm like

[00:04:15] Heidi: That has gotta be fake.

[00:04:18] Jane: Tell you're bat shit crazy without actually saying

[00:04:21] Etienne: Oh my God.

[00:04:24] Heidi: has gotta be fake. That just

[00:04:26] Jane: No, these were real ones that people just flagged of like, how is this possible? So anyway.

[00:04:34] Heidi: others? Because that's

[00:04:36] Jane: Yes, but some of them are just like, I don't even, I

[00:04:38] Heidi: Okay.

[00:04:39] Jane: bad. Like some of them are specifically like deal with weight stuff and calling.

[00:04:45] Etienne: Are they saying like nobody over this much weight needs

[00:04:48] Jane: Yeah, yeah

[00:04:48] Etienne: wipe? Right.

[00:04:49] Jane: Like anything over 200 pounds is livestock. That's a phrase that I'm seeing. And one of them. Yeah.

[00:04:55] Etienne: Oh my God.

[00:04:56] Daisy: No

[00:04:57] Jane: Just, yeah, it's just bad out there. And so I think that it's good to have a sense of

[00:05:03] Heidi: I remember a profile guy, his name, he didn't even have his real name. His name was Mr. Sits on Your Face

[00:05:10] Jane: Wow.

[00:05:11] Daisy: Oh

[00:05:12] Etienne: Wait, so he sits on

[00:05:13] Jane: He sits on your

[00:05:14] Daisy: I, yeah, that's.

[00:05:16] Heidi: Something like that. Oh, maybe it was Mr. No, it was Mr.

[00:05:20] Etienne: on my face.

[00:05:22] Heidi: Just on your face. Yeah, something like that. I'm like, no, no, no. Thank you.

[00:05:30] Etienne: Oh my God.

[00:05:32] Jane: Well, there were, okay, so on this profile, there was one that, that they said that was bad, but I actually didn't think that it was that bad. So speaking of who's sitting on whose face. Okay, so this is what it says. an anomaly. I'm a highly intelligent and successful single man. I'm a gentleman that actually wants to take you out on a proper date and have a good time.

[00:05:51] Jane: Your pussy should be a reward, ladies. If I treat you to a fun night, maybe you'll allow me to taste that. Yum, yum. I don't know what's wrong with people anymore. I just let down your guard and let's have a genuine experience together. My treat. I may be a lab geek by day, but I'm also a bad boy. I go hard, have fun trying to keep up much love, like, you know, keep it at

[00:06:11] Etienne: Much love.

[00:06:12] Jane: Yeah. So I was like, I don't know if I love that or.

[00:06:16] Etienne: would've swiped right on

[00:06:17] Jane: I, right. It kind of sounded, I was like,

[00:06:19] Etienne: tried it.

[00:06:21] Jane: Yeah. So I feel like it's hard to tell like what's gonna work and what's not. Definitely the other stuff,

[00:06:29] Etienne: I like the yum, yum. Yeah. I like

[00:06:31] Jane: Right? Like it get excited, he sounded excited for that. That's definitely a green light

[00:06:36] Daisy: See, I was like, that's his nickname in the group chat that you have on the guy is Yum-yum. Hey, have you seen Yum-yum that would be, that's it.

[00:06:46] Heidi: Mr. Yum-yum. Oh my God.

[00:06:48] Jane: I mean

[00:06:50] Etienne: So good.

[00:06:51] Heidi: Yeah.

[00:06:51] Jane: know out of the gate that he likes

[00:06:53] Etienne: Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he can't later then say, oh yeah, I'm not really into that. Like, wait, it was on your freaking profile and you actually talked about it. You can't, like you implied. 

[00:07:03] Daisy: is Mr. Yum-yum. What's the problem

[00:07:05] Heidi: I have some nicknames for Etty's profile pics that,

[00:07:10] Etienne: No. Oh, I can't wait.

[00:07:11] Heidi: I have several

[00:07:13] Etienne: share so we can, um.

[00:07:14] Jane: Yes. So Etienne, why don't you set up what we're about to look at and talk about so

[00:07:19] Heidi: This, this is an unusual topic

[00:07:21] Etienne: is, I'm, I know and I'm kind, I'm slightly embarrassed. Just slightly. 

[00:07:26] Etienne: But, since my ex-husband, for some reason, I decided that for everybody that I slept with, I was going to keep a picture of them. And it was just easier to use their profile picture from whatever dating app I met them on.

[00:07:38] Etienne: Or if I didn't meet them on a dating app, which was super rare, I would find them on Facebook or wherever else I might've found them. 'Cause a few I found on FetLife as well. So, yeah, that's what we have here. And there's quite a lot. There's so many. It's, it's, it's

[00:07:57] Heidi: I love that it's a conquest

[00:07:59] Etienne: Yeah. It's my con, my, my, yep. Uhhuh. Yep.

[00:08:03] Heidi: You are inspiring me so much.

[00:08:06] Etienne: Oh my gosh.

[00:08:07] Daisy: It's like a Sears catalog.

[00:08:09] Etienne: And I left out, Jane was like, um, there's a lot of young guys on here. Well, I mean, they're not young today. 'Cause this was over 10 years ago when I started this. And most of this was over a two year period. So, um, yeah, I was busy and I didn't have sex with everybody that I, I mean, yes, on this I did, but I went on so many dates, like not everybody made it through the screening process. So it's crazy how many dates I went on. It was a job. It was a job for me. Um, so

[00:08:40] Jane: I can't believe it's been 10 years.

[00:08:41] Heidi: yeah.

[00:08:42] Etienne: So what are your, Heidi, you said you have some nicknames for some of these? I cannot wait to hear

[00:08:48] Heidi: I have camera guy singer dude.

[00:08:50] Daisy: Um.

[00:08:53] Heidi: Oh, the guy that we were just talking about. I was like, oh yeah, he's Mr. Hollywood, 'cause he's

[00:08:58] Etienne: Mr. Hollywood. He looks like Tom Cruise in that picture, I think. There's just something like Top Gun in that picture. Doesn't he? 

[00:09:04] Heidi: looks like he's, he, he starred in Saltburn. Did you guys ever see that movie,

[00:09:09] Jane: Yes. I didn't see the movie, but I know the lead actor that you're talking about who was also in The Kissing Booth. What is

[00:09:16] Heidi: Yes. But also.

[00:09:18] Jane: Jacob Elordi

[00:09:20] Daisy: Oh

[00:09:20] Etienne: Oh

[00:09:21] Daisy: Yeah, he's hot.

[00:09:22] Heidi: Yes. But Saltburn is all about that young guy staying with his rich friend's estate or whatever. And

[00:09:29] Etienne: hold on. Now I gotta look up Saltburn so I

[00:09:31] Daisy: I know. I'm like, what is this?

[00:09:33] Etienne: I'm on IMDB to look at this.

[00:09:35] Heidi: But when you were talking about this dude, the Hollywood guy

[00:09:39] Etienne: What is Jacoby?

[00:09:39] Heidi: you know, just kind of a professional rich person's friend. 'Cause he is like so much fun to be around and good sex. That sounds like the Saltburn guy.

[00:09:49] Etienne: So Jane was like, oh, I really gotta talk about this one guy that like he is wearing a, yeah, go ahead.

[00:09:54] Jane: He looks, if, so, our fellow Gen Xers, if any of you are into alternative music and know of Verve, the band from England, that in the United States, we had to call The Verve because of some stupid, legal reasons. I think there was another band called Verve or something, but their first album was A Storm in Heaven, and then they had that big breakout hit that got them on the radio called Bittersweet Symphony.

[00:10:16] Jane: And the lead singer of that band was so freaking beautiful. His name is Richard Ashcroft, so if you wanted to see what this guy looked like, but the guy that Etienne got to hang out with just, I mean, luscious lips and just likes dressing up in feminine clothes and just has just so kissable and brooding eyes and just

[00:10:38] Heidi: He looks like a vampire. Like what? What

[00:10:41] Jane: like a beautiful vampire

[00:10:43] Etienne: Totally Twilight, right? Like full on Twilight.

[00:10:45] Jane: fuckable vampire and, a young

[00:10:48] Heidi: We're all drooling.

[00:10:51] Etienne: Sorry.

[00:10:51] Jane: So if I saw that I'd be swiping, I never got to swipe. I was married pres swipe, but I would've swiped on this guy. Just beautiful.

[00:11:00] Etienne: Well, wait,

[00:11:01] Jane: hot.

[00:11:02] Etienne: does Daisy wanna make call me and then we can hear his voice

[00:11:05] Daisy: Oh, we definitely can. All right. Hold

[00:11:08] Jane: We have to hear

[00:11:09] Heidi: her ringtone, his voice.

[00:11:11] Etienne: my ringtone on my phone.

[00:11:12] Daisy: All right. All right. I'm calling you right now.

[00:11:14] Etienne: Okay. I will do anything you want. As much as you want. Yes.

[00:11:17] Jane: Oh

[00:11:19] Etienne: That's his voice.

[00:11:20] Heidi: Women across America just like,

[00:11:23] Jane: that.

[00:11:24] Etienne: Woo.

[00:11:25] Jane: Yeah. Yeah.

[00:11:28] Heidi: yeah,

[00:11:29] Etienne: Uh, yeah,

[00:11:31] Heidi: we all

[00:11:31] Etienne: I met him in, I met him in London. I went to England on a trip. I was there for two weeks and, like a month before I left, I paid for Tinder where I could swipe anywhere, anywhere I wanted to in the whole world. And so I set it up ahead of time for London 'cause I knew I would be starting and ending my trip there.

[00:11:48] Etienne: So I wanted to make sure that I had wonderful men that I would be meeting. And, he was one of the first people I talked to and he was so excited about me coming. And, yeah, he was so much fun and I ended up flying him out to Charleston to come and stay for five days. Daisy was living with me then, for my divorce party. And, yeah, Daisy really liked him.

[00:12:10] Daisy: He was amazing. He just a beautiful person, like physically, but also just in every way. He's so kind and when he talks to you, he was just so interested in what you had to say. He would just stare into your eyes while you were talking and you were like, oh my gosh. Like it would just be like,

[00:12:27] Heidi: my soul.

[00:12:29] Daisy: And it would just be something simple of like, oh, would you like another helping of our dinner? And he would be like, thank you so much for asking me. And I was like, what? Oh my God.

[00:12:39] Heidi: He's mesmerizing you.

[00:12:40] Daisy: Yes. I

[00:12:41] Heidi: a vampire.

[00:12:42] Daisy: Right. Maybe I would be totally okay with that. This would be like, this would be like some Anne Rice vampires.

[00:12:49] Etienne: know what kind of man that you like physically though, Daisy. So I know physically he, I mean, his face might be

[00:12:55] Daisy: Oh yeah.

[00:12:55] Etienne: it's a beautiful face, but his physical body is not, he was a very skinny, like, skinny not guy that,

[00:13:02] Daisy: I need me a there.

[00:13:04] Heidi: Yeah, I need

[00:13:05] Daisy: there's a height

[00:13:06] Etienne: a guy

[00:13:06] Daisy: There's a height requirement for this ride, and yeah. So a guy pick, pick you up, throw you around.

[00:13:12] Heidi: Yes,

[00:13:13] Daisy: Not,

[00:13:14] Jane: more of like, this guy, let's talk about this guy, this guy.

[00:13:17] Etienne: Oh, that guy.

[00:13:18] Daisy: oh yeah.

[00:13:19] Jane: there's, so he's shirtless, so if you're

[00:13:22] Heidi: I have. I have some comments.

[00:13:24] Jane: okay, yes, let's hear it Heidi.

[00:13:26] Heidi: you guys keep, I gotta find them.

[00:13:28] Jane: So to describe this picture. So imagine just he's young. He just went for a swim. He is at the lake and there's water just like flopping off of him like a golden retriever that just shook from after swimming. And he definitely is giving like golden retriever energy and he is got like a tattoo

[00:13:44] Daisy: he's got the tattoo on the side. Yeah. But

[00:13:46] Jane: he's carrying something. Are they goggles? I'm not

[00:13:48] Etienne: I think it, it looks like, I thought he was doing a triathlon. I literally thought he was just running outta the water from the first leg of the triathlon

[00:13:55] Daisy: But a little bit of his facial expression is like, he looks surprised or something. I don't know. It's a little,

[00:14:02] Etienne: Well, this was not, yeah. Oh, that was

[00:14:03] Heidi: Oh, uh, you know what I wrote? You know what I wrote? Male Bo Derek.

[00:14:08] Daisy: Oh

[00:14:09] Etienne: Derek? Oh,

[00:14:12] Jane: But short hair. hair, male Bo Derek had a baby with a golden retriever and we get to maybe

[00:14:18] Heidi: I immediately thought of that movie. 10. Remember Bo

[00:14:22] Daisy: Oh, yes

[00:14:23] Etienne: running in the, like right next

[00:14:25] Daisy: the braids and so beautiful. Yeah.

[00:14:28] Heidi: Yes.

[00:14:29] Jane: So was he super friendly? Did he have golden retriever energy?

[00:14:32] Etienne: Oh. This story I've actually never told anywhere. It was in one of the first drafts of my memoir, but it got taken out. So I met him because. I had a girl that I'd met who was a friend of mine, and this was a guy that she was interested in and he wasn't getting together with her. And I somehow got them together in a way.

[00:14:53] Etienne: And then I was bragging about how my blowjob skills are. And she was like, well, I don't think I get reactions like that from guys. And she's like, would you teach me? And I'm like, well, how would I do that exactly? I'm not like gonna get a banana. And she's like, well, I mean, maybe this guy, I'm not using his name. She's like, well, this guy, he would be willing. Would you show me on him. We're in public at this point. And I'm like, so you want me to go back to your apartment or something and show you on him how I give a blow job? She's like, yeah. 

[00:15:22] Jane: What?

[00:15:23] Etienne: I'm like, well, as long as he's okay with it, I'll do that. So I totally did that. I did, I went back to her apartment with her and him, and I gave him, right, she's on the bed too, and I'm fully clothed. And I gave him a blowjob, right there in front of her. And then we had her practice on him too. And yeah, and then I just left. And so, they continued and I just left the apartment, but he's up here because yes, I did have sex with him later.

[00:15:48] Etienne: I swiped him. So that's his actual profile picture. I swiped him like days later and I'm like, what are you doing on here? Aren't you with, I can't remember her name, but aren't you with so and so? And he is like, oh, no, no, no, she's not really my type. I'm like. Oh, okay. So yeah, I, told him that he owed me 'cause I went down on him

[00:16:08] Jane: Did you go down on him to a completion 

[00:16:10] Etienne: Yeah. I'm pretty sure I went down on him to completion or at least got him almost like, as close as I could without ruining the rest of their day so I could leave him, I mean, I could have very easily, it was not gonna be a problem, but 

[00:16:21] Daisy: you passed the baton, so to speak.

[00:16:23] Etienne: Yeah. So he, he, yes, I passed the baton. Oh my God. So he came over and, yeah. And,

[00:16:29] Heidi: Blowjob baton. 

[00:16:31] Etienne: And he completed me. And in that way he went down on me to completion and then, yeah, we had sex. And so that's why his picture's up here, so. Mm-hmm. Yeah. 

[00:16:40] Daisy: Nice.

[00:16:41] Heidi: We can call him MBD, male Bo Derek.

[00:16:45] Etienne: Male Bo Nice. 

[00:16:48] Etienne: Oh my God. He's two away from one of my favorites though. Daisy, you know this guy. He's wearing like um, he's skiing. Like he was skiing and he is on like a slope. You see him with the red sweater?

[00:17:00] Heidi: I wanna meet him for real and real person

[00:17:02] Etienne: Oh my god. He looks just like Casey Affleck. And Daisy, knows him. I You have met him, right?

[00:17:07] Daisy: This isn't the guy who you hooked up with to help me move, was it?

[00:17:12] Etienne: No, no, no, no. I

[00:17:13] Daisy: Okay

[00:17:13] Etienne: sex with that guy. I felt so bad. I didn't actually end up doing anything with him.

[00:17:19] Heidi: Notes. I said adorable. Just adorable.

[00:17:22] Etienne: was the guy that moved to *censored* 

[00:17:25] Heidi: Yes! Okay. Okay..

[00:17:27] Etienne: He lived in Savannah. I used to drive to Savannah, but I've met him because he came here to Charleston to get a Visa because he was going to *censored* for a year to go get a master's degree in performance psychology, I believe it was.

[00:17:41] Etienne: So he is unbelievable at sex. He is the, he is number one, like one of the top. He's in the memoir. He's one of the top people I've ever, ever 

[00:17:52] Heidi: Really. 

[00:17:52] Jane: So he says, any lip biters out there? So he really wanted like, yeah, I mean that to me. I was like, he looks adorable, right? And he looks really innocent, yes.

[00:18:02] Heidi: And then you read that bio and you're like, 

[00:18:04] Etienne: The juxtaposition of like, and he's a dominant, so he, he like a full on like, I'm gonna tie you up and whip you and then I'm gonna make you come so hard. And that's exactly what happened. And like, he can make anybody squirt. He has the, he's made like hundreds of women squirt. He is. 

[00:18:23] Jane: This guy?

[00:18:24] Heidi: Are you still 

[00:18:24] Etienne: This guy. This guy. Yes. Yes. 

[00:18:27] Heidi: You're still in touch?

[00:18:28] Daisy: I do totally remember this guy now. 

[00:18:30] Etienne: He's randomly texted me and I, I don't know, I just felt like I couldn't keep talking to him anymore, but I could, I still have his phone number, like, 

[00:18:37] Heidi: You should totally talk to him some 

[00:18:39] Daisy: You should just be like, Hey

[00:18:43] Heidi: Hey

[00:18:43] Etienne: are you?

[00:18:44] Daisy: Okay. I totally, when you started describing, I was like a totally 100% remembered.

[00:18:50] Jane: He's wearing like a very preppy looking scarf, but you know what though? Like ski trip prep school looking guys, like

[00:18:59] Etienne: He was from Colorado, so I think this mm-hmm. He was from Colorado, so he had and Yeah. Originally. Yeah. So I think that's what that picture's

[00:19:08] Heidi: Okay. We've had too many thirst traps going on. We need to talk about some of these duds.

[00:19:13] Jane: Okay. Can we talk about the whole thing that precipitated this. This whole episode about profile picks was a guy who, that, that did not make the wall because 

[00:19:27] Heidi: you never hooked up with him.

[00:19:28] Jane: ever hook up with this guy, but his profile that he sent you 

[00:19:32] Etienne: Daisy, I'm gonna send it to you again right now. So you have it. But you have this picture. You have

[00:19:36] Jane: Daisy

[00:19:37] Daisy: Oh, is it the Elf on the Elf on the shelf? That one

[00:19:41] Etienne: shelf.

[00:19:43] Heidi: Oh my God, on the shelf. 

[00:19:45] Daisy: That is what I call it. I call it Naked Elf on the shelf.

[00:19:49] Jane: Yes. So there are, see, this is how bad the Daisy knew just from us saying absurd. And that, that he was never actually, you know, he never bedded, Etty.

[00:20:04] Heidi: He never went on date?

[00:20:05] Etienne: I never went on 

[00:20:06] Jane: never went on a date because that's how stupid. If any men are listening, do not ever send a picture like this, this picture 

[00:20:12] Heidi: this is ridiculous. 

[00:20:13] Jane: one of those hotels that has a jacuzzi tub. It's not in a different room. It's right next to the bed. All right? And imagine going there for some reason by yourself, and you're naked and you're just like, you know what? I deserve a beer. I'm gonna pour it in a glass and put it next to me, and I'm gonna put my feet in this tub, and I'm gonna sit on the edge of the tub.

[00:20:34] Jane: And there's a mirror there, for sexy time, but I'm by myself. But you know what? I look, I look fucking good. I'm gonna take a selfie of me in this mirror, in this hotel room by myself. And I'm not gonna hold it like a normal person holds a phone. I'm just gonna like, hold it, you know? Like, I'm showing you something.

[00:20:50] Jane: It's just the whole thing. He's got a very wholesome smile. He looks like someone that might be trying to sell you a car, but take away all his clothes and put 'em in a weird, you know, honeymoon suite for like on a budget. And then why is he taking the selfie in this type of hotel room? That is the 

[00:21:12] Heidi: With that pose.

[00:21:14] Daisy: The pose, the arm 

[00:21:15] Jane: oh, and

[00:21:16] Heidi: he saw himself and he said, this looks hot. Click.

[00:21:21] Jane: he's naked and he crossed his legs in a slightly feminine way. So just so you can see like the full tan line of his biking shorts or whatever

[00:21:28] Heidi: Oh my God. The tan line. The

[00:21:30] Daisy: and the leg is like hiked up to show a little bit of the muscle and then the leg, the arm is draped over his nether regions because he doesn't it 

[00:21:38] Etienne: my God. 

[00:21:39] Heidi: Is demure.

[00:21:41] Etienne: Y'all Did I tell you 

[00:21:41] Heidi: Very modest.

[00:21:43] Etienne: Did I tell you y'all he's a dentist?

[00:21:44] Jane: Oh my God. That tracks. He totally looks like a dentist.

[00:21:48] Etienne: He's Oh a

[00:21:48] Daisy: he does have, I will say he has a great smile. You know

[00:21:51] Etienne: He does. Look at those teeth. Those are some good teeth.

[00:21:54] Jane: And this is the thing

[00:21:55] Etienne: He would send me selfies all the fucking time. This guy, like I talked to him maybe for a week, he sent me probably 50 selfies. I don't know what was wrong with him. And this was the penultimate of, I mean, this was obviously the epitome of all the selfies. No. Nothing compares to this.

[00:22:10] Jane: Wait, so was he wearing gradually less and less clothing with each progressive selfie that he sent you?

[00:22:16] Etienne: No, no. He was wearing clothes in every, I swear in every one, but this one I think, I don't,

[00:22:22] Jane: He was like, come on, look at

[00:22:23] Etienne: He's like, how can you turn? I didn't turn it down. We were supposed to have a date. And then he tried to reschedule it. I'm like, oh, nope. Sorry. You just broke my one rule. If a guy asked to reschedule, when we have a date scheduled, he lived out outside of the city, he lives in the same state, but he doesn't live in Charleston.

[00:22:38] Etienne: So. I think he was gonna drive here. I was gonna drive part halfway there or something. We were gonna do, we were gonna meet in some way and he tried to change it and I'm like, oh, sorry, now we're not gonna be meeting because I have a rule, I found out that if anybody tries to reschedule before you've ever met, they don't actually wanna meet you or they have something better and or some, you know, like I'm not their top priority. And I'm like, no, fuck that. Like this is not for me. Then like if 

[00:23:01] Jane: wait, so you were gonna say yes even after this picture. It 

[00:23:04] Etienne: Yeah, I was, because I was like, I have to like meet him in person. Who, what kind of narcissist is this? Like, because he had to be with all of the selfies he sent me every single day, multiple times. What is wrong with you? I sent him none.

[00:23:19] Heidi: like, He looks like, a lunatic. I'm sorry,

[00:23:21] Daisy: he, he wants you Etienne to be propped up beside him and y'all could take a picture together on the hotel

[00:23:29] Heidi: he looks at the type that would Photoshop you into a photo with

[00:23:33] Etienne: Oh gosh.

[00:23:34] Heidi: He looks at creepy. He 

[00:23:36] Jane: you out because he is just like, I look so good

[00:23:38] Etienne: Yeah, I have a great, it's a great picture of me, but she

[00:23:40] Daisy: Could you imagine that being like the dating profile and that's the man working on your teeth, and you're like, oh, and then that's what you see in your head when he is, you know what I mean? You know, I just, I just, you know, I don't know. Go ahead. He's, he's confident. I, I'm gonna give it that.

[00:23:58] Etienne: I do wanna see if you guys can figure out any of these pics are actually super duds in real life. Like they ended up being such a dud

[00:24:05] Heidi: yeah, we should. 

[00:24:07] Daisy: the guy, the guy with the surfboard for sure. I 

[00:24:10] Etienne: A guy with the surfboard

[00:24:11] Heidi: the guy that's next to the Harper's Bizarre guy, he looks like he should be starring in a Hallmark movie, but he's the guy that actually gets dumped. 

[00:24:21] Etienne: Hold on. Oh, actually the guy holding the surfboard's actually not, he was not a dud. Yeah.

[00:24:28] Heidi: about the guy? That should be then the Hallmark movie, the one that got dumped.

[00:24:31] Jane: Who's, 

[00:24:32] Etienne: The one. All right. Yeah. You have to give us

[00:24:33] Heidi: Starts with a D. He's by the Harper's Bizarre magazine reading 

[00:24:38] Jane: Harper's? 

[00:24:38] Heidi: row below that?

[00:24:39] Etienne: So going to the, on the next row. Next row. Jean jacket. First picture. There we go. Jean

[00:24:45] Daisy: Yes.

[00:24:46] Heidi: yes.

[00:24:47] Etienne: Okay. He was not a, yeah, he wasn't a dud, but he wasn't entirely memorable. He was one of the england 

[00:24:54] Heidi: Yay. Ding, ding, ding. I

[00:24:55] Etienne: he was, he was satisfactory, but it was, yeah. Yeah. Not a dud, but not, 

[00:25:01] Heidi: yeah. He looks like he got, he was the guy that got dumped

[00:25:04] Daisy: okay, so if we go take, let's take that picture and go to the right by three.

[00:25:10] Etienne: Go to the right by three. 1, 2, 3. Okay.

[00:25:13] Heidi: That entire row is, is is a hot, that guy. 

[00:25:16] Daisy: It's the pro, the caption, blah, blah, blah. Not looking for crazy women. That tells me you are the crazy woman, sir

[00:25:26] Heidi: yes. The brooding look. I was like

[00:25:29] Etienne: gosh. 

[00:25:30] Jane: If you don't take your bipolar meds but need them, please swipe left. Best of luck. Oh, that was the part that actually I 

[00:25:37] Etienne: I thought it was so funny. But I don't know if he was, he was actually a very nice guy. And then I can't remember what happened. I went on multiple dates with him, actually. So he was decent, yeah, he was decent in bed. He had a job, he had a place to live. Although it was a trailer and it was in like the bad part of town.

[00:25:53] Daisy: Interesting.

[00:25:54] Etienne: there was something that happened and I, and he turned me off completely and I can't remember what it was.

[00:26:00] Daisy: I feel like he looks like the type that would like rub your left labia for like five minutes and ask if you came yet.

[00:26:05] Etienne: Oh 

[00:26:06] Heidi: Yeah. Yes.

[00:26:08] Etienne: No. He, he at least knew what he was doing. 'Cause if I see somebody multiple times, they're at least okay. They're at least a seven in bed

[00:26:14] Daisy: Are, are co are coachable or at least do like, you 

[00:26:18] Heidi: Okay. Well This guy's boring. Let's go to, okay. How about eyebrows ?

[00:26:22] Etienne: Eyebrows. Oh, eyebrows. Eyebrows is amazing. No, 

[00:26:25] Heidi: He was 

[00:26:26] Etienne: is one of The best. Amazing. Amazing. Yes. 

[00:26:30] Jane: my 

[00:26:30] Etienne: Good. Him?

[00:26:31] Heidi: Not 

[00:26:31] Jane: looks like the person who might like do something bad at the

[00:26:36] Etienne: Oh, him. Oh, no. Actually I was seeing a different person, but this guy I met on Twitter, so he's the only one I ever met on Twitter or X nowadays. But, he was 18 years old. He found out that I was coming to England. He was going to school in a town I was gonna be driving through, but turns out it was summer break for him and he didn't realize he was wasn't gonna be there.

[00:26:55] Etienne: He took a bus to come to the town that he went to school in, so he could still see me. So he went on a bus for four hours, one way to come see me, and, 

[00:27:04] Jane: Bieber. 

[00:27:05] Etienne: yeah, he does. He looked like Justin Bieber in person, actually. He was teachable. He did everything I asked him to do. He just wanted me to tell him step by step what to do.

[00:27:13] Etienne: It was literally like, okay, first do this. And he is like, okay. And he's like, just tell me when you want me to do something different. And like, he was literally like, okay, now do this. Okay. And he, I mean, literally he just did whatever I want in exactly the way that I wanted. But yeah, he was just completely inexperienced.

[00:27:31] Etienne: He had only been with a few people before me, but super sweet that he took a bus both ways. Like had had and 

[00:27:38] Heidi: So I judged him way wrong. 

[00:27:41] Etienne: Yeah. He was a sweet guy. Just, yeah, just really inexperienced. 'cause

[00:27:45] Daisy: What about, yeah,

[00:27:47] Etienne: But another eyebrow in that same row though from England. Yeah. You guys gotta go to that one. He's, he was Oh. So yeah. To the left of hard hat with the orange hat to the left of Hard Hat. Yes, 

[00:27:58] Etienne: He is, this guy was so he's brilliant. He is an engineer, windmill engineer, the kind that are offshore in England. So he travels all over the country. He wanted to take me on a real date. He didn't just try to go straight have sex with me and he was so kind and polite and held my hand when we were walking around London and wanted to go have a snack and then a drink at one of his favorite pubs and then went back to where I was staying and was completely dirty as heck in the bedroom. And yeah, he was fantastic. 

[00:28:35] Etienne: Yeah, I talked to him for a while after the fact. And he is really gorgeous. Like in person. He looks way better in person than, than this picture, honestly.

[00:28:44] Jane: He has great hair, he jaw line. He He has similar, actually features to my husband. So that's probably, I'm realizing that as I'm saying that.

[00:28:51] Etienne: Oh, I can 

[00:28:51] Etienne: see it 

[00:28:52] Heidi: great 

[00:28:52] Etienne: your screen. Yeah, 

[00:28:53] Heidi: Mm-hmm.

[00:28:53] Jane: and I, Great smile, kind eyes. So this person, he did his profile picture right. Because it features him with another person, but he kind of cropped them out.

[00:29:04] Jane: But it shows he's got a friend. You're not gonna confuse the friend for him. He looks like he's at some kind of event. doesn't look like he's trying too hard. He is just like effortlessly handsome. He doesn't look creepy. Like the other guy, the guy that looks like British Justin Bieber, um, like if I were to see this profile 

[00:29:22] Heidi: that's what I wrote down too. Bieber wannabe

[00:29:25] Jane: I would be terrified. He looks like a school shooter to me. Like I just because of the, it's the hoodie and the no smiling and the brooding look. And he's like alone in his car taking a selfie.

[00:29:37] Daisy: I get it. Yes. I, 

[00:29:40] Etienne: great conversations, so I literally, I knew he was okay. Like I knew he was 

[00:29:44] Jane: No, I think that's awesome. 

[00:29:46] Daisy: question mark.

[00:29:47] Etienne: Um, manifesto,

[00:29:48] Jane: See, see, so if somebody's listening and they're like, what should I do in my profile picture? Like, don't look like you wrote a manifesto. Smile. 

[00:29:55] Etienne: be smiling. You should look friendly, like how you would wanna look when you actually meet somebody in person for the first time, or if you see them from across the room. Like, how do you wanna present yourself, you

[00:30:04] Daisy: and, and guys advice out there. Ask the women in your life, whether it's a sister, your best friend's girlfriend, like, Hey, we are gonna be straight up with you, because there's a lot of pictures that as women we're like, oh, 

[00:30:16] Heidi: Please don't. 

[00:30:17] Daisy: somebody. Somebody

[00:30:18] Daisy: tell this 

[00:30:19] Etienne: Jane, you're coming to stop right there. All right. You see the guy that's got the girl on his, like a little girl on his back

[00:30:25] Jane: Yeah.

[00:30:26] Etienne: middle? That's the one. That's the one that had the threesome with me.

[00:30:30] Jane: Really. So who is the girl? Okay, so I, there's a couple of pictures that you have with either, like the person, the guy with another guy. So I'm like, which guy is this a profile for? Don't do that. And also, having a child in a profile picture with you on a dating app is weird. So what?

[00:30:47] Etienne: I think it's his cousin or something. He did tell me who it was. It was definitely a family 

[00:30:51] Heidi: just icky. 

[00:30:52] Jane: But if 

[00:30:53] Heidi: put children in your profile pics.

[00:30:55] Jane: but that didn't, that didn't, you were like, oh, he's go with kids. He's friendly.

[00:30:59] Daisy: See, at first I saw it and I was like, what, again? Looking at a, a, a wall of these. I was like, what kind of creepy situation is it? It looked like a little creepy, like Halloween thing. I was like, what is this? And I was like, oh gosh. Oh, okay. That's meant to

[00:31:14] Jane: That's his little 

[00:31:14] Daisy: playful. 

[00:31:15] Etienne: Is this little sister, did he say that?

[00:31:17] Daisy: Well, I mean, he's young, so I mean, they would

[00:31:19] Etienne: It could be, yeah. I mean, he is only 18 when, yeah.

[00:31:23] Jane: And when I see where he went to school, I know who this guy is.

[00:31:26] Daisy: Did he serenade 

[00:31:27] Etienne: Yes. 

[00:31:28] Daisy: with his trumpet? Did he

[00:31:30] Etienne: Did he, did he what? 

[00:31:31] Heidi: Oh my God. The trumpet guy.

[00:31:33] Daisy: serenade you with his

[00:31:34] Etienne: No 

[00:31:35] Heidi: like, please don't serenade me with a trumpet, 

[00:31:37] Etienne: he left his trumpet in his room, so I didn't get 

[00:31:40] Daisy: oh. 

[00:31:40] Etienne: No,

[00:31:40] Jane: I want you to be normal, but not normal. 

[00:31:43] Daisy: Okay. 

[00:31:44] Jane: the girls here. So, walk us through Etienne, like when you saw this, you're like, I mean, he definitely, he looks adorable. He's got short hair. He definitely looks like, I mean, he went to a military school, so you can tell like, okay. 

[00:31:58] Etienne: Yeah. Can you not see that I have a type like the men here, a lot of them look the same. Like I, I definitely, the eyebrows, 

[00:32:04] Heidi: There's a few outliers. 

[00:32:07] Etienne: Yeah. There's a 

[00:32:07] Heidi: I was a little shocked. I was like, Hmm. She went a little 

[00:32:10] Etienne: you point out the outliers, but yeah, he just looks fun. And then, so I had, you know, my bar was low to actually swipe and then start talking. It's when I start Daisy's laughing, shut up. I had to meet them in person. But can I tell you how embarrassing it was to meet him in person because he had to come in his Citadel outfit. And I had to meet him not far from Citadel 'cause he didn't have a car, so he had to walk to the coffee shop that was closest to Citadel in his uniform. And I am 40 three years old when I'm meeting him.

[00:32:44] Etienne: So I'm definitely his mom's age for sure. I'd never asked him, but I'm sure I was. And, I was embarrassed. I was like, people probably think I'm his freaking mother, you know? And he was so cute and he was so into me and yeah. Yeah. So I used to drive him back and forth to my house for months and he was my regular, Sunday afternoon little excursion. Yeah.

[00:33:04] Jane: Oh, he's so cute. He's so cute. And he looks kind and fun and you know, he definitely, he reminds me the energy of this picture and

[00:33:15] Etienne: his He like that. Yeah. He very, yeah.

[00:33:18] Jane: is the, character Knox Overstreet from Dead Poet's Society. He kind of like, 

[00:33:21] Etienne: Oh, wow. Yeah.

[00:33:22] Jane: You know, like that kind like, aw-shucks, I'm such a romantic, I'll do whatever you want. Like, you know, 

[00:33:28] Etienne: Exactly. Exactly. 

[00:33:30] Jane: Yeah. Yeah. I could totally see it.

[00:33:32] Etienne: Yeah. He did whatever I wanted. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

[00:33:35] Jane: says he's, I'm stupid good at math. So I mean like, that's

[00:33:38] Etienne: Yeah, no, he's very smart. He wanted to be a doctor. He probably is right now, I'm sure. But I mean, it's been 10 years 

[00:33:44] Daisy: oh, gosh 

[00:33:46] Etienne: yeah.

[00:33:47] Daisy: Oh.

[00:33:47] Jane: So cute.

[00:33:49] Daisy: All right. We need more duds. I feel like

[00:33:51] Etienne: I know. Yeah. We're just going over the 

[00:33:52] Heidi: Can you just, can you just point out who, who were, who

[00:33:55] Daisy: yeah. Give, give us,

[00:33:56] Etienne: Who were the duds? Wait, 

[00:34:00] Etienne: wait, wait. The one, wait, wait. Daisy knows this one. So the guy that you said, the black magic one you pointed out, uh, the one to the left of him is the one who pooped in the toilet and left it and

[00:34:10] Jane: Oh. Oh. My gosh. Okay.

[00:34:13] Daisy: yeah, 

[00:34:14] Etienne: so you gotta go down. So it's like what third?

[00:34:16] Jane: Oh my God. He totally looks like he'd poop in the toilet. Who

[00:34:19] Etienne: There he is with the sunglasses. Yep.

[00:34:22] Heidi: Oh, I did not like him right away because I was like, who just puts a profile pick up with some random person next to you that doesn't even know they're being, you 

[00:34:32] Etienne: I know. It's so weird

[00:34:34] Jane: Yeah, the guy's looking like

[00:34:35] Daisy: I mean, the caption and the profile. I have my shit together like, and you left it,

[00:34:40] Etienne: Oh, he actually used shit in the, oh my God.

[00:34:43] Heidi: I have my shit together. Uh 

[00:34:45] Jane: fit a bit taller than average.

[00:34:48] Daisy: That means he's not. 

[00:34:49] Jane: So the fact he was born in Scotland, is that what that's I, 

[00:34:53] Etienne: That might've, I actually didn't remember that. Now reading it, I'm like, really? He was, no, I don't think that stuck in my brain once I met him in person. I actually, 

[00:35:01] Heidi: I wrote has a weird vibe. That's my exact note. Has a weird vibe.

[00:35:07] Etienne: I mean, he is the one that Daisy and I would make fun of whenever we would find a condiment that was practically empty in the refrigerator and go, well, we used his name and we'd said, oh, there's a such and such in the refrigerator. Okay, what, what condiment did he almost eat all of, but left like one spot of, so like

[00:35:23] Daisy: Yeah.

[00:35:24] Etienne: even in my life that long. He literally was only in my life for like three weeks. I don't know how he managed to leave condiments nearly empty. And when did he do it? Like I never saw him do it. I dunno if he was getting in the middle of the night eating condiments or what? Like, so

[00:35:37] Daisy: was like the hardest walker, like he would stomp across. So we were roomies, right? I was under, and so usually never even heard anybody. But this guy like literally I was like, this guy sounds like he's carrying a bag of bricks and stomping. I'm like,

[00:35:54] Etienne: like he weighs 300 pounds or

[00:35:56] Daisy: yes. I'm like, sir.

[00:35:59] Jane: And smile. Show your teeth in your profile picture 'cause

[00:36:02] Etienne: Yes, 

[00:36:04] Jane: so there's no teeth in it. And is that a piercing under his bottom

[00:36:07] Etienne: yes. That's a piercing. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:36:09] Jane: All I can think about is like, you're gonna go down on me and there's gonna be so much bacteria in your, whatever your mouth piercing is.

[00:36:15] Etienne: Oh

[00:36:15] Daisy: Uh

[00:36:16] Etienne: Oh my was with somebody who had a tongue piercing and I was just like, you have to get rid of that. All I can think about is that you're going to give me an infection. And he did.

[00:36:24] Jane: And for anyone heard our past episode, it was ass corn

[00:36:27] Etienne: No.

[00:36:28] Heidi: Oh

[00:36:28] Daisy: Oh,

[00:36:29] Heidi: no.

[00:36:30] Etienne: oh.

[00:36:30] Daisy: oh. 

[00:36:31] Jane: You're uncircumcised. You dunno how to take care of your junk, and you have a tongue piercing and you wanna get in there? Nope.

[00:36:37] Daisy: Uh, heavens. 

[00:36:39] Heidi: you have kind of a germophobia thing going 

[00:36:42] Jane: Yes. Well, 

[00:36:43] Heidi: you 

[00:36:43] Jane: didn't 

[00:36:44] Heidi: like a perfect storm.

[00:36:45] Jane: He didn't have the tongue piercing when we first started dating. 

[00:36:48] Etienne: Oh, so he got it. 

[00:36:49] Heidi: I know, but still to get that much grossness from one person

[00:36:54] Etienne: Yeah. Like this is the guy that Jane, because of him, she never wanted to have sex with anybody uncircumcised again. And like most of the guys from 

[00:37:01] Heidi: It was traumatic. I would've been traumatized by that same thing. So it's a traumatizing story.

[00:37:08] Etienne: But all of the men who are from England who are uncircumcised know how to take care of themselves. A hundred percent. There's gonna be any ass corn in there, I'm telling you.

[00:37:16] Daisy: Thank goodness. 

[00:37:17] Daisy: Yeah. 

[00:37:18] Jane: was this guy a dud?

[00:37:20] Heidi: Yeah. Oh, okay.

[00:37:21] Etienne: yes,

[00:37:22] Heidi: Called it. Called it. It was like side eye. Really? 

[00:37:26] Etienne: Such a dud. Oh my 

[00:37:28] Jane: So give us a description of, 

[00:37:31] Heidi: Yes.

[00:37:31] Jane: Daisy, how would you describe this picture?

[00:37:34] Etienne: So he's side eyeing us. It looks like he's taking it in his bathroom mirror for sure, doesn't it? And he is wearing a white t-shirt, just a plain, white undershirt it looks like. And maybe there's a. It looks like maybe there's a closet in the background that has like a drape that's pulled to the side, or maybe 

[00:37:50] Daisy: Uh, no. See, I feel like that's his dirty towel up over the top of the door to dry it. 

[00:37:55] Etienne: That 

[00:37:56] Heidi: That's exactly what that is. And the smirk? 

[00:37:59] Etienne: God. So I 

[00:38:00] Jane: smirk. It's, I told you so smirk, and I'm like, i'm 

[00:38:03] Etienne: he was very condescending in person. He was actually going to medical

[00:38:06] Heidi: that's his resting condensation face. Condensation.

[00:38:11] Jane: We're 

[00:38:11] Daisy: Yeah. 

[00:38:13] Etienne: conde condescension,

[00:38:15] Heidi: Yes.

[00:38:15] Etienne: he was going to medical school. I met him on fet life and I wasn't really liking him on the date, but I agreed to go back to his apartment and turns out he had tiny, tiny member, very tiny. Not microscopic. 'cause we have microscopic on here somewhere, but very small. And he was terrible. Terrible. I couldn't get outta there fast enough. Yeah.

[00:38:35] Daisy: I feel like he would not go down on you. Like, I

[00:38:38] Etienne: I don't he's that. type, I don't think he did. I don't remember him doing that, no. Oh, but microscopic microscopic is three to the left of him. The one where he is holding his phone and he is wearing a bow tie. yeah.

[00:38:49] Heidi: I immediately hated that guy. Immediately hated that 

[00:38:53] Daisy: That 

[00:38:54] Jane: he right. So everybody, 

[00:38:55] Etienne: like he's dressed for prom or something. I 

[00:38:57] Jane: exactly, but like, he's too old to go to prom. Like he's going with his younger cousin because his mom told him he had to, he looks like off-brand Ross from Friends, but with a beard. And, um, 

[00:39:10] Heidi: he's a weird Mason's. Mason's ring on or something. he's in

[00:39:15] Daisy: Yeah, the ring. It's, it, yeah. I, I

[00:39:18] Etienne: Is it a Mason's ring? 

[00:39:19] Jane: Uh, no, 

[00:39:21] Daisy: bet it's like his college ring 'cause that's when he peaked 

[00:39:24] Heidi: Yes. That's when he peaked for sure.

[00:39:27] Daisy: or, or his high school ring plot twist. And that's when he peaked.

[00:39:31] Jane: No smile. He 

[00:39:33] Heidi: No smile. 

[00:39:34] Jane: He looks upset. Yeah, he looks like off-brand Ross plus the guy who played Nick Caraway in The Great Gatsby movie where Robert Redford played Jay Gatsby. 

[00:39:46] Etienne: Oh my God, 

[00:39:47] Jane: um, and he is like, not looking, but that's how he looks and he does it. He's not looking at the camera, so you don't really know what kind of eyes he really has. They 

[00:39:55] Etienne: my God. I have to look up The Great Gatsby with Robert Redford now to see what that guy

[00:39:58] Daisy: He just looks mad.

[00:40:00] Jane: not smiling. He's not smiling at all. 

[00:40:02] Daisy: looking. It's,

[00:40:03] Heidi: Yeah. He's mad about his small penis.

[00:40:05] Etienne: Oh, it's Sam Waterston. It was Young

[00:40:08] Jane: Oh my God, it was Sam Waterston. This guy looks like Sam Waterston. A young Sam Waterston. Not in a, not in a fun way. 

[00:40:14] Heidi: Not a fun

[00:40:15] Etienne: God. Not in a fun way. Yeah. He turns out he had micro penis and he did not go down on me. So he broke all of the sex rules. I'm sorry. Mm-hmm. 

[00:40:25] Jane: How can you not try to make up for a micro penis with amazing cunnilingus? 

[00:40:30] Etienne: But I think I told Daisy this, he text me multiple times after the fact, and was begging me like, why, why won't you see me again?

[00:40:37] Etienne: And finally I just told him the truth. I was like, Hmm. So you kind of have a smaller penis than I'm used to. And, the sex was not good for me. And you did not go down on me and that's just unacceptable. And he is like, I wanna make it up to you. Can I just come over and that's all I'll do.

[00:40:52] Etienne: I just wanna come over and I'm just gonna go down on you. And I'm like, uh, no, you can't come over. He, no, no, no, no. That's how people get murdered. Like, I literally told him, basically, you have a micro penis, you have to know this. Like I said it in the gentlest way I could. And, then he immediately is like, I need to see you. I wanna like make it up to you. And I'm like, yeah, no. That's how women die. That's the beginning of a murder podcast that you

[00:41:15] Jane: or like, at least at the very, very least, he's stealing a pair of your underwear.

[00:41:19] Etienne: Oh my God. Oh

[00:41:21] Daisy: guy right beside micropenis to the left with a tire swing.

[00:41:24] Etienne: Also terrible.

[00:41:26] Daisy: See, that's what I was 

[00:41:27] Heidi: Oh, 

[00:41:28] Etienne: terrible.

[00:41:29] Daisy: that that was Survivor 

[00:41:30] Heidi: he's got a creepy face. I said he looks okay. So how old is he? He's like supposed to be 20 something. He looks like he's a 6-year-old who's had a bunch of

[00:41:41] Etienne: Oh

[00:41:42] Heidi: face work done, doesn't he? He looks old, but younger because of the plastic surgery.

[00:41:48] Etienne: Oh, interesting. Okay.

[00:41:50] Daisy: okay.

[00:41:50] Heidi: That's the face that I'm seeing right now. Like he doesn't look 26. He looks like he's older, but has had work done. You know what

[00:41:58] Etienne: I gotcha. I just feel like I had a really bad run there of just really bad sex and it was driving me crazy and I was letting people come into my bed a little bit faster than I normally would have, and I was just failing miserably at it. It was just getting worse and worse.

[00:42:11] Etienne: The energy I was putting out in the world was just coming back to me in the worst possible way. So, he was in that row of terribleness. Yeah, it's a bad row.

[00:42:19] Heidi: Huh? 

[00:42:20] Daisy: I feel like that row may, oh, hold on. Let me see. I'm 

[00:42:25] Heidi: Can you go back to the row? Yeah. Oh 

[00:42:27] Etienne: him, he was also terrible. He actually made me dinner. I met him also in FetLife. He made me dinner and was terrible in bed as well.

[00:42:34] Jane: okay, so this guy looks 

[00:42:36] Daisy: the meal good?

[00:42:37] Etienne: The meal was good. Yeah, actually I had two meals with him, so one meal we met out and I agreed to a second date that he made me dinner at his place and yeah, that's when I had sex with him and it was awful. Yeah.

[00:42:48] Jane: the picture that we're looking at looks like a young hotter Dave Attell. Took like a black and white 

[00:42:54] Heidi: Nicholas Cage.

[00:42:56] Etienne: I was thinking of the guy from System of a Down, like the lead singer of System of A

[00:43:00] Daisy: Oh, yeah. Yeah.

[00:43:02] Heidi: Okay, I see it.

[00:43:04] Jane: But just

[00:43:04] Daisy: it does look like a musician, like a musician

[00:43:07] Etienne: Yeah, he does. 

[00:43:08] Daisy: Yeah.

[00:43:09] Heidi: I didn't like how shady, you know, like it's, he's so much in the dark. It's like, 

[00:43:13] Jane: no, see, I would've fallen for this picture entirely because 

[00:43:17] Etienne: It's very artistic. Yeah. I, 

[00:43:18] Jane: it's, artsy, it's black and white. It looks like he's friends with someone who's artistic, who took a picture of him. And he is smiling, but not too hard, but he's not looking directly at the camera. And see, and that should be to me, kind of red flaggy, because you need to be able to feel like you're looking them in the eyes and get a vibe. Um, but he made you a meal and that's nice try.

[00:43:40] Etienne: Yeah, he tried. Yeah. It just wasn't my vibe at all.

[00:43:44] Jane: Who has two other, okay, so there's another picture that bothered

[00:43:47] Daisy: Oh,

[00:43:47] Jane: a

[00:43:47] Heidi: That bothers me too.

[00:43:49] Daisy: one, I was like, this one bad. 

[00:43:51] Jane: so this guy looks like a really enthusiastic very cute geeky guy. Great smile. He's got glasses on but there are two hot blondes. One of them looks like Tina Yothers from freaking Family Ties. And then the other one just looks like just generic blonde from a porn from 1988. But then, but it says Oxford comma enthusiast. And, weaknesses are baked goods and pretty things. And I would've been like so into it if it was just a picture of him. But then he's got, why are we flanked by two 

[00:44:24] Heidi: yes 

[00:44:24] Etienne: I don't know. And they're really good looking women. 

[00:44:27] Heidi: like he's a foot shorter than them

[00:44:29] Etienne: He's sitting it looks like and they're sitting on his, 

[00:44:32] Heidi: I know, but the way it's framed. It looks like he's shorter than them.

[00:44:37] Daisy: Can I share what I 

[00:44:39] Jane: not a flattering picture. 

[00:44:40] Etienne: Oh God. You 

[00:44:40] Jane: Let's hear it Daisy. 

[00:44:42] Daisy: I put 13 year olds first trip to Hooters restaurant.

[00:44:47] Heidi: yes,

[00:44:48] Jane: yes. Yes. 

[00:44:49] Heidi: yes. Exactly.

[00:44:51] Daisy: It is like, he's so very young. They're the two beautiful girls, and he's just like, ah, yeah, they are. Their hair is amazing.

[00:44:59] Heidi: yeah, yeah. The blonde hair is, yeah.

[00:45:02] Etienne: I'm pretty sure this was a one-off. I don't think I ever slept with him more than once, and I don't remember. I don't think it was terrible, but it wasn't great and yeah. Yeah, it wasn't memorable, so he didn't make the grade on that one, so there was no return invitation on that one. But he was good looking in person.

[00:45:22] Etienne: Yeah, he was. Wait, have you guys checked? Have you guys figured out who, the one that looks like Jared Leto is on here, the one who looked more like Jared Leto in person than he did in his picture?

[00:45:31] Jane: Is it this guy?

[00:45:32] Etienne: No, that guy was crazy.

[00:45:35] Jane: Okay.

[00:45:35] Etienne: That guy was fully crazy. Yeah, he, 

[00:45:39] Heidi: down 

[00:45:39] Jane: interested, you'll find out about me for yourself.

[00:45:42] Etienne: Yeah. That kind of intrigued me. But yeah, he was, 

[00:45:45] Heidi: he was the nightmare.

[00:45:47] Etienne: he was like the one, he is the one that couldn't joke. He had no way of joking with me on anything. He wasn't getting my jokes. He like didn't laugh. Yeah. Yeah. It was, I did sleep with him and I shouldn't have, but, oh yes. His, 

[00:46:01] Etienne: he did look like that in that picture. See in the, with those abs. Yeah.

[00:46:05] Daisy: oh,

[00:46:05] Jane: my

[00:46:05] Heidi: Oh yeah. Mr. Abs.

[00:46:07] Jane: This 

[00:46:07] Etienne: This one I've got the collage of all of, 'cause this is a bumble, so you can actually do the collage of all of their pictures. Did he graduate from Citadel? Yeah, he did. And he also, I believe he might've been a fitness instructor, maybe because those abs I, yeah,

[00:46:23] Daisy: The traps in the first picture of him on the standup paddle board. So good.

[00:46:29] Jane: He has an eight pack, everybody who's listening, but also one of his pictures, he is obviously in it with his mom. Crop your mom outta that and just show us your

[00:46:39] Etienne: yeah. Oh my

[00:46:41] Heidi: I immediately thought Mama's boy. I was like, Nope.

[00:46:45] Etienne: But 

[00:46:45] Jane: I, can't. 

[00:46:46] Etienne: him, I don't think I had sex with him more than once because when he had sex, he made love guys.

[00:46:52] Daisy: Oh oh. Blessed, blessed.

[00:46:56] Etienne: I could barely keep a straight face. I'm so sorry. There's a time and a place for that. It's not for your like a, what'd you say, Heidi?

[00:47:03] Heidi: So what do you mean he made love? Like

[00:47:06] Etienne: During the actual intercourse, he went very slowly in and out like we were in love. I, I, I have no other way to say it except it felt like he couldn't go fast. He couldn't like, fuck me. He could only go slow and very gently have sex with me.

[00:47:24] Heidi: Well, he was probably trying to not come so quickly. That's

[00:47:29] Etienne: Um, maybe that's it.

[00:47:31] Heidi: yeah.

[00:47:32] Etienne: I didn't that.

[00:47:32] Heidi: He probably knew he was a one minute and done type of 

[00:47:35] Daisy: um, 

[00:47:36] Etienne: Oh God.

[00:47:37] Jane: So you're gonna have to point us to Jared Leto, but before we do, I just have one last picture. 

[00:47:41] Jane: Oh. Like why? There's a guy sleeping and holding a a 

[00:47:45] Daisy: Thank you.

[00:47:46] Jane: Um, and he, I love a guy with a guitar, but I need to see like what's happening with your eyes.

[00:47:54] Etienne: oh 

[00:47:54] Jane: teach guitar. And he is like, good concerts. All right. Are you experienced? I guess it's a Jimi Hendrix reference 'cause he's playing the guitar, the wind and the willows are playing tea for two play music. Where is my family? That's spelled with a pH? I'm not sure what that's about. Is there anybody out there? So these are all different snippets of song lyrics and stuff like that. Um, I, I'm, I'm assuming, 

[00:48:18] Etienne: he, he taught me guitar for a while actually. So, and then I would have sex with him after each lesson.

[00:48:25] Jane: What? That's okay. See, that's pretty cool.

[00:48:28] Etienne: Oh, Daisy. He was very nice.

[00:48:32] Jane: I was gonna say it's one or the other. 

[00:48:34] Etienne: But then you would be very upset with him because he was uncircumcised and he wasn't properly schooled in the art of cleaning himself. So,

[00:48:45] Jane: No.

[00:48:46] Etienne: Mm-hmm. So he failed that test. I'm so sorry. But he was very sweet, so it kind of made for it. He really was sweet and he was good in bed outside of that little, you know, hurdle.

[00:48:56] Etienne: But yeah, I don't know why his profile pics. Yeah, he looks like he's sleeping like a hundred percent. Like he was playing his guitar and then he fell asleep. 

[00:49:05] Daisy: Can we, so guitar guy, so we have the guy on the first row, the very last guy in the row above that in the yellow, something on the blue shirt. What. That the caption on his is ridiculous.

[00:49:18] Etienne: his caption? Oh my God, I 

[00:49:20] Heidi: It was ridiculous. I was like, what? 

[00:49:22] Jane: Things you should know before you swipe. I'm short. Five seven. I have six figure student loan debt. Yes. That is a selfie in my profile. I like that shirt. So sue me. So if you're independently wealthy and have a thing for midgets, I'm your guy.

[00:49:40] Etienne: I thought, I liked how truthful he was. I liked the truth. That was like,

[00:49:45] Jane: he's good looking.

[00:49:46] Etienne: he was good looking. But I can tell you he's the one that when I would tell him to go harder with his tongue, with his hand in any way, he is like, I am going harder. I'm like, no, you're not. You're bare. What is happening? I got so frustrated with him. I know. I've told you guys this story that I, I told him to get off of me and I pulled out a vibrator.

[00:50:07] Jane: Uh,

[00:50:08] Etienne: I was 

[00:50:09] Jane: I remember this story. That's this guy, 

[00:50:11] Etienne: a physician's assistant. Yeah. I got so mad at him. 

[00:50:14] Jane: He's muscular, like, not like 

[00:50:17] Heidi: You should be able to go harder.

[00:50:18] Etienne: Yeah, and I didn't even care how tall he was. He literally could not, yeah, he couldn't, he couldn't satisfy me because he, 

[00:50:24] Jane: looks like he could be Superman's younger brother

[00:50:27] Etienne: He's like, I'm going as hard as I can. I haven't gone hard. I've gone, I'm going harder than I've ever gone on anybody else before. He's talking about his tongue or his finger, and I'm like, no, you're not. Like you're not, you're not.

[00:50:38] Jane: Oh, no.

[00:50:38] Daisy: know. 

[00:50:38] Etienne: I know I'm not an anomaly. I'm sorry. Like, there's no way. Mm-hmm.

[00:50:42] Jane: Good for you for speaking up where you wanted. 

[00:50:44] Daisy: Mm-hmm.

[00:50:46] Etienne: Thank you very much.

[00:50:46] Jane: All right. Where's Jared Leto

[00:50:48] Etienne: Oh, where's Jared? Let see him. I got, lemme see if I can find him. I mean, I can find him obviously. Um, hold on. Lemme go to the top.

[00:50:53] Jane: is he the guy holding the baby? People don't hold babies in your 

[00:50:56] Etienne: Holding the, 

[00:50:58] Heidi: That's what I was thinking through.

[00:50:59] Jane: I'd be like, is that your baby?

[00:51:01] Etienne: Is that your baby? Where the

[00:51:03] Daisy: But it's also the awkward position in which he's holding the baby. This random picture, it just cracked me up in the face. I'm like, oh, okay.

[00:51:09] Etienne: The one holding the baby. He's the first guy that I had sex with ever after my ex.

[00:51:15] Daisy: oh,

[00:51:16] Etienne: That's his actual new baby. Um,

[00:51:18] Daisy: Oh,

[00:51:19] Etienne: that's actually his baby. Yeah. I mean, it wasn't that little when I met him, but it wasn't that far off because it was only like three months later.

[00:51:26] Etienne: Um, yeah, so he had a baby mama, so I only, I liked him a lot. He was very, I liked him a whole lot, but he was still living with his baby mama 'cause it was easier to take care of their child together. And I was like, I get it. But we're not gonna see each other again. I'm sorry, I'm not getting in the middle of that. No

[00:51:45] Heidi: Mm.

[00:51:46] Jane: Also, if you do have a baby in your picture, don't, the angle of this picture makes the baby look so tiny and his head look so enormous that he looks like he could eat the baby. And it was very, uh, very weird to 

[00:51:57] Heidi: It's weird. Yeah, it's a weird angle.

[00:51:59] Jane: Because he's taking a selfie with the baby. Stop with the selfies, people.

[00:52:04] Etienne: You know what? Jared Leto is not in here. Oh no. He is, he is. Sorry. I'm sorry. He's a very, very top row. Um, he's in the middle. He's to the right of the guy with the crazy beautiful picture that he took himself. The guy who's a photographer. This one? Yes.

[00:52:16] Jane: Also two beautiful women in the picture with him.

[00:52:18] Daisy: mm-hmm.

[00:52:19] Etienne: don't know why, but

[00:52:20] Jane: You know what though? Maybe they're his sisters because they do kind of

[00:52:23] Heidi: They

[00:52:23] Daisy: They have this similar eyes. Yeah.

[00:52:26] Etienne: dude. He was absolutely drop dead gorgeous in person. I'm not even kidding.

[00:52:31] Jane: Oh, I can tell he is got really.

[00:52:32] Heidi: Mm-hmm.

[00:52:33] Daisy: He has beautiful eyes.

[00:52:34] Etienne: Yeah. He only got to have sex with me twice because he looked

[00:52:37] Heidi: wrote, I wrote that you guys, so that's my birthday, by the way, where it said last update. So I was like, oh, she hooked up with him on my birthday. Congratulations.

[00:52:51] Etienne: I probably did. Yeah, because that's the only time I would take the screenshot. I would only take the screenshot after I had sex with them

[00:52:58] Heidi: So, yay.

[00:52:59] Daisy: looks like he has a nice 

[00:53:00] Heidi: for my birthday. 

[00:53:01] Daisy: A hairy chest. A little bit, but not 

[00:53:03] Etienne: yeah. I think you had like, yeah, yeah, yeah. I do like that. Mm-hmm. 

[00:53:07] Daisy: A fellow Libra. Heidi. 

[00:53:09] Etienne: Oh, 

[00:53:10] Daisy: I'm the 11th. Yes. Sorry.

[00:53:13] Heidi: Yay, Libras.

[00:53:14] Daisy: Yay. 

[00:53:17] Etienne: Oh, but yeah, that's him.

[00:53:19] Jane: Yeah. If you have women in your picture specify who they are to you, are they Hooters waitresses? Are they your last threesome, or are 

[00:53:27] Etienne: guys, so wait. The guy to the left of the guy holding the baby, I was wrong. So the guy to the left of the guy holding the baby that picture, that's actually the one I slept with first. He was the one I wasn't supposed to sleep with that I slept with in Austin before I'd signed my settlement agreement.

[00:53:41] Jane: So, which guy? Guitar guy or singing guy? See two 

[00:53:43] Etienne: the, the guy with the guitar, the guy with the guitar is the one that's smiling. Yeah. He was wonderful. And he was 13 years younger than me, and I was like, why would some, he didn't know how old I was. He knew I was older, obviously, but he didn't, I didn't actually tell him how old I was and yeah. So I was like, wow, somebody this young would be interested in having sex with me. This is awesome. So

[00:54:05] Jane: That was the beginning of an era.

[00:54:07] Etienne: it was the beginning of a very long era.

[00:54:10] Jane: For the record, another black and white photo. There's a piano in the picture. He's playing a guitar and his friend who is singing with him, and they are looking at music that's on a music stand. This would turn me on. I'm like, you are a musician. You know how to read music. Um, it means you have rhythm.

[00:54:26] Jane: You're probably going to be decent in bed. You're smiling. He's smiling as he's playing the guitar, he looks like he's ha. So profile pictures, smile, look like you're having fun. Show people something that you're interested in and good at, like genuinely like not fucking or playing with your dick. Not that kind of picture, like a picture of you playing music, doing something other than holding a baby. Um, just

[00:54:49] Etienne: And honestly, I think if you're just honest and like the one thing that you, the one, the guy that turned out to be a total dud in bed, um, I loved that he was like, I'm five seven. Like, he put that out there. He is like, I've got student debt. I fell in love with that profile paragraph because it was so honest and funny, you know, just way out there. Nobody's like that. Nobody is honest and funny and they're, you know. 

[00:55:10] Daisy: Okay. I do have one I have to ask about. So surfboard guide two to the right of that?

[00:55:15] Heidi: Surfboard guy.

[00:55:16] Etienne: Oh, who he looks like he's with his mom in that

[00:55:18] Daisy: Yeah. Or mom? No. Next one to the right.

[00:55:22] Etienne: One more. Over to the right.

[00:55:23] Daisy: It's his, it's the caption and it's like, and I was like, okay. Did he live up to his caption?

[00:55:29] Etienne: He, wait, what is this caption?

[00:55:30] Daisy: I'm a lover sorry, Jane.

[00:55:34] Etienne: Oh no. Yes, go ahead Jane.

[00:55:35] Jane: No, I'm a passionate lover and have a passion for witchery.

[00:55:39] Heidi: Yes. I wanted to know that one too.

[00:55:41] Etienne: He was amazing in bed, you guys, and he had an awesome penis and, uh, yeah, he, I got him to come over here as often as he could, but he worked at Boeing and he worked overtime and he barely had any time off. So I he was a real friend with benefits and I think I only ended up seeing him like three or four times.

[00:55:59] Etienne: And he was from Michigan I think, or not Michigan. Sorry. No, Missouri. Missouri where the Ozark are right? That's Missouri. So I then had a thing, I was like, oh, guys from Missouri, they must be like, I wanna be more guys who are from Missouri, because I like had this thing for him. I was so, yeah, I was enamored by this guy. He was awesome. Yeah, I

[00:56:19] Jane: And he also has that Citadel kind of look to him. He is got the short hair. He is got a square jaw. He has a good smile. He has kind eyes and he has bushy eyebrows. 

[00:56:27] Etienne: Yeah, I have a type. 

[00:56:30] Jane: The only thing is get your mom out of the picture. What are we 

[00:56:32] Heidi: Yes. You look like a mama's 

[00:56:35] Daisy: yes. I was like, yeah, I know. And, but I was like, also, I made a note. He had good hands, like his, I don't know what it is. His hands were nice. I was like, oh,

[00:56:45] Etienne: good hands.

[00:56:48] Jane: As Etienne remembers,

[00:56:49] Etienne: This is a,

[00:56:50] Jane: how good those.

[00:56:51] Heidi: Are you, are you able to contact him?

[00:56:54] Etienne: Uh, I think the reason he dropped out was 'cause he got a girlfriend. I mean, I could maybe find his phone number. I mean, this was in 2014 when he was 23 years old. So how old would he be now? Like 34? Yeah.

[00:57:07] Daisy: yeah.

[00:57:08] Etienne: Still really young. But yeah, I could always try, I suppose.

[00:57:12] Daisy: it's cute. I know. We're all like vicariously being like, contact this one for us.

[00:57:18] Heidi: this one? Yeah, for us. Get an update.

[00:57:20] Daisy: Get, yeah.

[00:57:21] Etienne: I know he is probably married and has children at this point. You know.

[00:57:27] Daisy: Mm-hmm.

[00:57:28] Jane: Yeah. A lot can happen in a decade,

[00:57:30] Etienne: seriously. I mean,

[00:57:31] Jane: like learning not to put pictures of yourself, cheek to cheek dancing with your mom at some kind of like, it looks like they're taking lessons because it doesn't look, he looks like he's dressed nice, but there's a person in the background, he's wearing jeans and a shirt. It's like, are we in a cafeteria? Are you at

[00:57:46] Heidi: I think it's a wedding.

[00:57:48] Etienne: I thought it was a wedding too. But you're right, that lady in the background mm-hmm. She's dressed like it's a, like they're learning how to dance.

[00:57:54] Jane: Yeah, the lighting there is not wedding lighting.

[00:57:57] Etienne: You're

[00:57:57] Daisy: thought that this was a wedding as well. 'Cause I thought that the, the female in the picture with him was wearing a wedding dress type. Maybe, but maybe not. But yeah, in the background. I see what you're talking about. Huh.

[00:58:07] Etienne: That's weird.

[00:58:09] Jane: Mm-hmm. 

[00:58:10] Jane: I 

[00:58:10] Heidi: Mystery.

[00:58:12] Jane: I think at the school dance and the person in the background is just a teacher volunteer who put up the balloons that you can't see in the picture or something. But yeah, I mean, but he's definitely very cute and I see if you're coming across as really genuine and sexy and fun living in your picture, maybe there's some things that people would look past, but I think that the good things that we've seen, like everybody that we were like yes to this profile picture was like good smile, looking at the camera, showing off the best parts of themselves, honest in their profile, makes you laugh.

[00:58:40] Heidi: Kind of, the quirky ones too. The ones that really showed personality, I think. And then to hear that the sex was good too. On top of having an amazing profile pick like, man, you won the lottery with some of these guys.

[00:58:56] Daisy: Mm-hmm.

[00:58:57] Etienne: I did on a couple of 'em. Yeah. 

[00:58:58] Jane: look down. He's my favorite.

[00:59:01] Etienne: Oh, he, he's still my favorite. I wish he lived here. Oh, and another one from England. Sorry, let's look at which that row again. Where is he? Oh, okay. 

[00:59:15] Etienne: So the guy that you guys, the Hallmark guy that you were talking about with the jean jacket, the one to the right of him, he is a social worker who at the time worked at an orphanage in England.

[00:59:21] Daisy: Oh

[00:59:23] Jane: Oh,

[00:59:23] Etienne: and I got to have sex with him more than once. So I got to have sex with him in the same town that he worked in. And then he drove to Oxford to meet me there. And, uh, we did it again. He was, he was amazing. In bed actually. He was really good. Mm-hmm.

[00:59:37] Jane: He's cute. He has what my husband refers to as fun to be a boy hair. Like, so it's kind of like, you know, it's, it's a 

[00:59:44] Heidi: a British guy. He looks like he, he could be in a British rock band or something. 

[00:59:49] Etienne: British

[00:59:49] Jane: But again, five o'clock shadow. Nice jaw. Nice lips. He's got a little slight smile going like boyish look in his eye. Bushy eyebrows,

[01:00:00] Heidi: Mm-hmm.

[01:00:01] Etienne: Yeah. And he wanted to have a girlfriend and he's like, I don't know what's wrong. I don't, I can't get a girlfriend. I'm like, I don't know why you can't get one. They must be all stupid because I would be her girlfriend in a second if I lived 

[01:00:11] Heidi: is we move to England.

[01:00:14] Etienne: Yes. I should just move. 

[01:00:18] Jane: I mean 

[01:00:19] Etienne: Oh my God. I could just go be a nurse in England for probably an equivalent of $10 an hour, like, and not be able to afford my life because it's so expensive there. Yeah. I would do it in a heartbeat though. Honestly, these guys are so, hmm. Yeah, they're awesome.

[01:00:38] Jane: The accent alone.

[01:00:39] Heidi: Mm-hmm.

[01:00:40] Etienne: And we're going so long over you guys. Is there any, like last ones that you any, like, I know you guys did, you made notes, so I wonder if there's any

[01:00:50] Heidi: Oh, I wanna know about the Batman mask guy

[01:00:54] Daisy: Uh, he looks so uncomfortable.

[01:00:56] Heidi: and, and the kinky, there was like a kinky thing in there. I was like, what?

[01:01:01] Etienne: it say in this? Jane, would you like to read his, your, you've been reading all of the.

[01:01:04] Jane: I'm me. Wild, crazy, kinky, fun, adventurous. Add me on Snapchat. He has like a three and like numbers in there, but it spells out skeleton. So, 

[01:01:14] Etienne: He is the one who was the god of oral sex.

[01:01:18] Jane: oh, is this hobosexual? 

[01:01:22] Etienne: Yes. This is hobosexual 

[01:01:24] Jane: Okay. My husband

[01:01:25] Etienne: who had, 

[01:01:25] Heidi: glad I asked about him. 

[01:01:27] Etienne: Yeah. He lived in a garage with his friend 

[01:01:30] Daisy: Oh, okay.

[01:01:31] Etienne: But 

[01:01:31] Jane: oh. 

[01:01:32] Heidi: He, garage Boy,

[01:01:33] Etienne: but yeah, 

[01:01:34] Daisy: The guy from the garage.

[01:01:35] Etienne: the guy from the 

[01:01:36] Heidi: ho. 

[01:01:38] Etienne: Yes. He the best. Yeah. I don't even know what he did. Remember. I, he made me leave my body. It was a metaphysical experience.

[01:01:46] Daisy: I remember laughing. You like describing, is it like Rain Man? Like he would like put his hand in like measure or something weird. I don't know what he was

[01:01:56] Etienne: Thinking

[01:01:57] Daisy: I was in like the math of how yes, like this beautiful, like, and I was like, really? And you're like, yeah, you would do this. And I was like, oh my gosh. But it worked.

[01:02:07] Etienne: He had where things were and I was like, what? I don't care what you're doing because I know 

[01:02:11] Daisy: like he has this secret trip, like, like if it, he's like, if guys, if you go to this knuckle and then divide by this, it would be great every time. And he's gatekeeping this secret. 

[01:02:21] Etienne: I'm telling you, he is the one that got, he got oral sex lessons from a lesbian.

[01:02:25] Jane: a lesbian. That's right.

[01:02:27] Etienne: And yes. And

[01:02:29] Heidi: daughter duo, right? 

[01:02:30] Etienne: He, yes. And when he told me that, remember I like almost fell down my stairs, run. I was like, can I meet you? Right? Like, how, how quickly can you meet me at the coffee shop? I practically sp no, I did speed. I sp even though I was beating, I knew I'd beat him there. I beat him there by like 10 minutes. I was there so fast.

[01:02:49] Daisy: And also props to his lesbian friend for sharing this with the heterosexual man To bring thank Thank you kind person. 

[01:02:56] Etienne: A book and there might be books out there actually. But yeah, he, he, he, he took those lessons to heart. I don't, yeah. It was, uh, never, never anybody not even close.

[01:03:08] Daisy: He could be a millionaire giving workshops.

[01:03:11] Etienne: Mm-hmm.

[01:03:12] Heidi: Yeah. Oh, 

[01:03:13] Etienne: And instead

[01:03:13] Heidi: listening, Batman Boy, if you're listening, here you go. Here's a million dollar idea. Teach men how to do what you do.

[01:03:22] Daisy: Yes, 

[01:03:23] Etienne: person, you can't really tell. Yeah, you can't really tell in this picture. But in person, he actually looked like Layne Staley from Alice in Chains, the lead singer of 

[01:03:30] Jane: can tell. I can see it. It, yep. He just has short hair and then, yeah. I think that if you're, if you, he says that he's kinky and crazy and fun. He should put that if you are like a oral sex genius and you know it because you've had confirmation from multiple women and you're just 

[01:03:49] Heidi: You should put that in your bio. 

[01:03:51] Jane: you should put that in your

[01:03:52] Etienne: Put that in your profile. Yeah, a hundred

[01:03:55] Jane: If you have a dog, you should put that in your

[01:03:57] Heidi: Any special talent that you have, put that in your 

[01:04:00] Daisy: Mm-hmm. 

[01:04:01] Jane: Yeah. Special talent.

[01:04:03] Etienne: That's, that's noteworthy. That would actually like, you know,

[01:04:05] Heidi: Yes, that would pique our interest.

[01:04:08] Jane: I would say be authentic. And if you're a heterosexual male, ask some women in your life whose opinion that you trust to look at what you've written before you put it out there in the world. It might not 

[01:04:19] Etienne: Like he could put in there, not that he's like the best oral sex. He could say something like, it's always Taco Tuesday and you've never had tacos like this.

[01:04:26] Daisy: Yeah.

[01:04:27] Jane: Oh my gosh,

[01:04:28] Heidi: Yeah. That's 

[01:04:29] Jane: Etienne awesome. 

[01:04:31] Heidi: That's genius

[01:04:33] Daisy: some amazing guy listening is like, done updating my bio right now.

[01:04:37] Heidi: right now. Yes.

[01:04:39] Jane: If you did, please leave in the comments like any results that you got 

[01:04:43] Etienne: Oh, please. If I swipe and I see somebody on the, when I go back on the dating apps, 

[01:04:47] Heidi: hey, if you're gonna say that 

[01:04:50] Etienne: Mm-hmm. Back it up. 

[01:04:52] Heidi: better. Yeah. You better be able to back it up. So get the training first. Don't just put that on your 

[01:04:58] Etienne: Read a book. There are books out there. I know there are. Read a goddamn book. Like 

[01:05:02] Heidi: even, there's YouTube channels out there teaching stuff, so, yeah. There's no excuse.

[01:05:06] Daisy: Mm-hmm.

[01:05:08] Jane: Eat some tacos before you brag about your taco abilities.

[01:05:12] Etienne: Yeah. Like literally make a woman where like, he, he made it to where I couldn't, like I couldn't move. I couldn't, I couldn't. He's like, are you okay? I'm like, yes. Just gimme a second. I'm okay.

[01:05:25] Daisy: Your soul left your body. You were waiting on it to

[01:05:28] Etienne: I'm

[01:05:29] Daisy: back. Hold on.

[01:05:31] Etienne: hold. I'm not, yeah, my, I'm still above the bed, so hold on.

[01:05:34] Heidi: body yet. Yeah.

[01:05:36] Jane: Oh my gosh. That is amazing. All right. Happy dating out there folks.

[01:05:41] Daisy: Yes.

[01:05:45] Heidi: That's our show you've been listening to, the Women are Plotting. If you have a story you'd like to share or have any comments, we'd love to hear from you. Email us at info@thewomenareplotting.com and of course you can find us on all the socials. Thanks, and until next time, be safe and be excellent to each other.