Single for a Year: Relationship free~is it worth it?

https://youtu.be/K9k7QgAr124?si=hZ5-guC0UkVcfrFm

Petra sits along a River displaced from her studio to share with you her experience of being single for a year and redefining, her life, her needs for a partner and how she has moved on. She presents her story in hopes to support you to focus on three things she shares encouraging you to give yourself yourself a year to be relationship free. Let’s Stand up and redo together. #single #over50 #dating

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SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to Stand Up and Redo with Petra Demuse, the podcast where a transformation isn't just possible, it's inevitable. If you've ever felt stuck, weighed down by past choices, or like life's chapters have been written in Inc., think again. Here we believe every day is a fresh page and you hold the pen. We're diving deep into real stories, bold insights, and life-shifting strategies to help you stand up, shake off the old, and rewrite your narrative with power and purpose. Ready to rise? Let's get started. The relationship's over and you're alone now. Well, you just ended it with your boyfriend or girlfriend, or they just ended it with you or mutual decision, whatever it was. Everyone's gonna tell you, wait a year, wait a year, don't date for a year. Um well, I'm gonna tell you it's been 14 months since I ended a relationship, and I did date. I won't tell you I didn't date, I dated, but it was only a couple dates with different guys, and I have been alone for over a year. And there was another time in my life, I got married when I was 20, that I was alone for over a year. But honestly, this is the first time I actually tried to be a little more purposeful with it, and I wanted to tell you about it. I want to tell you about it because everybody is telling you to wait a year. So I want to talk about three things. I want to talk about defining yourself, I want to talk about figuring out exactly what you want, and then number three, moving on. Defining yourself, figuring out what you want, and moving on. And I get to do it in nature because my house is being painted inside. So my little studio that I do my long form videos is a little bit in disarray. So, first, welcome to Stand Up and Redo. This is a podcast from me, Petra Demuse, about making changes after you've done things maybe the wrong way or not the way you wanted, or had an outcome that was not right, or just decided you needed to stand up and redo something, to change something. So, this is my podcast, Stand Up and Redo. And we're gonna talk about being alone and not in a relationship after ending one and what that what that feels like. For me, I was in pain, so I had a lot of healing to do. Um, and I can tell you it took me about four months to actually heal the pain of a breakup, and not all breakups, because some breakups are a slow process, some are trauma like that. Everyone is different. But I'm gonna tell you when you first break up, cool your jets, cool your jets. You're gonna want to move across the country, you're gonna want to sell your house, you're gonna want to do something drastic and crazy. Slow down, slow down. I was ready to sell my house, move to California from the east coast to the west coast. I was ready to do all these drastic, crazy things, and I didn't. I did, I almost did a couple times. I almost did some crazy stuff, but I waited, I waited, and I realized what I needed to do was honestly figure out who I was. And I didn't know if it was gonna take a year, I wasn't even thinking that that's what I had to do, but it was a very interesting process, and after you heal from the pain of the breakup, which could take a while, and I suggest really, really, really getting counseling. That first year that I broke up, I had never gotten counseling when I had divorced in the past, and this time I did get it, and I realized that there were a lot of inner wounds in myself that needed to heal. And counseling, even though I hated it the first three sessions, helped me so much. So I have a whole other podcast about healing after a breakup. And I also know that there's a lot of great things out there about healing after a breakup. So that's not what I want to make this podcast about. I want to make this podcast about defining yourself. In that year that I broke up, I kept thinking I would date right away and how it would be very healing for me because I really love partnership. I love affection, I love touching, I love leaning into another person. I love having a person who can tell, I can tell my private jokes too, or I can call up and just like they know every little thing about my day, and I can talk to that person about it. I love that. And that was a big adjustment for me to not have that person. Now I do have a best friend who's my cousin who's a girl, and she does know a lot about me, but the thing about that is that they go through chapters and times in their life where they can't always be there for you, and they're not your person, they're your best friend. So even when she's going through a crisis, I found I needed to be there for her, and there were times that I needed to back away from her because she had her own relationship with her own husband, and I needed to give her space at times. With a partner, I feel like you don't have to do that. That partner's there for you every day, and you can like call them, even if you're miles away from them. They're your person, right? Well, that was hard for me not to have that person. So I could tell you for the first like eight months, I was thinking that I needed to have a partner, and it's weird, and through that course of that time, I started to define myself, I started to travel more alone, I started to figure out that I like going out to dinner by myself. I like this. I went to church this morning and all my friends, a couple of my friends were doing a bike ride, and I felt pressured to do a lot of stuff, but I just paused for a minute and thought I need to be alone and walk in the woods. And then I just figured out what restaurant I wanted to go to on the fly, and I had no one to worry about but myself. And that's a little selfish, I know, because I am gonna babysit my grandkids later. But I want to talk about defining what you like. It's interesting through the course of this year, I have looked back on past relationships and thought most what I liked about them. I try not to blame, I I try not to blame the other person for the end of the relationship, but in each of the relationships that I was in, whether it be a marriage or a long-term relationship, I tried to grasp onto those relationships in what I actually loved about each relationship. And in that process, I've learned, and uh when I have another partner, the things that I need to have, the must-haves, the no-bartering things I'm gonna need to have in a relationship. And I figured that out. I also figured out the green light, the um not the green lights, the red lights, the things that are no, no, even if I feel like I could fall in love with a person, even if I feel like so physically attracted to that person, no, no, I don't want that. But it it gave me t being alone gave me time to figure that out because I wasn't just pulling another person in, pulling another person into my life. I was giving myself a pause, a time to think about what I want in my future, and defining myself as a person. And you know how I define myself as a person who likes to travel, who cannot turn the TV, can go three days without even turning the TV on. I define myself as a person who loves to blare the music when she drives her car. I actually like country music. I didn't know I liked it so much as I do. And I found out I like my own style. I like my gray, my brown, my black, my white, my boots, my sneakers. I don't feel like I need to define myself in any other way. I don't compare myself to other women, which is what I did in my last relationship. I think he I always felt like he was checking out other women, which he probably was. Shh. I do like him, and I won't don't want to badmouth him because there were a lot of amazing things about that person that I liked. But I felt insecure with him, and I realized it was because maybe he wasn't loving me the way that I needed to be loved. Maybe I need to be loved in a way that I feel safe, and I feel like I can just be me. I can be ugly, I can be raw, and I can be real. And I wasn't allowing myself to be that way in my past relationships, and that's what I want to do. So defining me is actually being away from a partner, being alone, figuring out that I love when I travel, I want to explore. I don't just want to lay by a pool drinking a martini. I want to be out like exploring the culture of where I am, being down at the level of the people that live maybe in a country, um, maybe visiting um countries, developing countries more, doing things that aren't just pleasurable and fun. I want to have a purpose. I f figured out I've been praying at church, which is such a small thing to do. I just volunteer to pray. And it's because I travel so much for work that it was hard for me to figure out how to volunteer my time, but I have a burning desire to volunteer. And even that little tiny bit of a couple minutes after church of volunteering, I have always given little bits of money to different organizations, but I've always wanted to volunteer, and I've been held back from that in many instances in my life for things I've held myself back. I've had partners that held me back because they wanted to have time with me and they didn't want me to volunteer my time. I've had a lot of things that held me back from volunteering, and I realized that defining me is I want to give more time, more of my time to other people. So in that year that I haven't been in a relationship, I found that I'm a get down and dirty girl. It's 55 years old. I'm 55, and it's taken me this long to feel like I'm defining myself. I am crazy enough to wake up and just get out of bed at like 5 a.m. and go do something insane with someone if they want to do something insane, if they want to go for like a 12-mile hike at 5 in the morning, I'll do that with them. I feel like my life is chaotic and crazy and defined by that, and I'm okay with that. I'm okay with that. And I did that by figuring that out alone. So, in that year that you are alone that they're telling you to date, it's not because you have to heal that whole time. It's not because um, it's really because you need to find yourself, you need to be grounded, you need to define yourself. And in that definition, you're gonna figure out what you want and what you want in a partner, but also what you want in life. And going into year two, I've actually found that I'm not seeking out dating. I'm gonna let it happen. If I get to meet someone to date, I will, and that's just fine with me. But I'm also finding that what I want is I would like to have a partner someday. But right now, I'm not so desperate for that that I'm willing to give up those things that are non-negotiable. I'm not willing to give it up. And I'm also learning that I don't have time for silliness, I don't have time for lying, I don't have time to feel insecure around a person. I have to feel good in my own skin. And if a person makes me feel uncomfortable at all, or doesn't make me feel loved, or I can see that they're pretty much um, you know, ghosting me, which has happened to me, then I don't care. I don't care. I can't worry about it. It's just there's too many other things to worry about. And I figured if you get ghosted and then someone reaches out to you five months after you've been ghosted, what's the point? What's the point? Where were they? What was the deal? Were they dating someone else? If they told you that, it would be different. If they said, hey, I'm not that into you, I'm dating some other people, and then they resurface after five months. It's more understandable to maybe date them then. But if they just ditch you and like you're in the middle of a hot and heavy conversations and you're really enjoying that person, and then they ghost you, ladies and gentlemen, that's not a person you want because they weren't honest enough to tell you that they didn't necessarily want to be with you at that time. They were holding you on a string, they were keeping you on this fishing line while they have this fishing line going and that fishing line. So as long as they're telling you I'm dating multiple people, and right now I'm just not into you at this time, I'm really pursuing something with someone else, that would be so much better than being ghosted. Because trust me, when someone just cuts you off, it's really hard. Um, also, in figuring out what you want, figure out what you want in a relationship. I do, I did date a guy, and I actually got excited about him a little bit, and then I realized he only wanted um nothing serious, and basically he wanted to fool around. And you know what was nice about that relationship? He told me that right away. He told me that right away. And I started to think that I really liked this guy, that I realized just wanted to hang out and just be like, you know, superficial, not get into seriousness. But then I did want to have a relationship with him, and I told him that I wanted to talk about it, and you know what? He was very honest with me, he didn't want to talk about it. The nice thing about that relationship was we were both honest with each other right from the beginning. So I say when you were trying to figure out what you want, if you don't want a relationship and you want to have like maybe a person that you just go to dinner with once a month, or maybe uh uh a boyfriend who is a casual relationship, make sure you tell people that. I like it when people write up front, and I think that you would like this too, and I think that you should do this when you date other people. Okay, I hate saying you should, but you should because it's so fair when you start dating. If your motive is to get married someday to someone, to be married to someone again, if your motive is to have a long-term relationship without marriage, a commitment, if you're if your motive is just to fool around because you're too caught up in your own things in life and you just want to fool around, then tell the person that. So think about that, talk about that. I learned um in church today, I went to church, and I want to get in a small group, and I was reading all the small groups, and I didn't want to be defined. It defined the small groups as over 55, single, newly divorced, and I thought, I just want to go in a small group that talks intellectually about reading the Bible and what the Bible says and gets into some deep conversations to learn about the Bible. So I did end up, I think I might have found one. I'm not sure. I have to find out if it's truly going to be something where we are studying the Bible and talking about Christ and not all getting there because we're over 55 or we're single or we're looking to have love or a relationship. I don't want to be defined that way. I want to be Petra Demuse, a woman who likes to solo travel, who loves to be in the woods as much as possible, who loves her family, who wants to volunteer her time, and who wants to do good things for other people. I want to be defined as a professional who loves her work, who is a skilled nurse who is valuable in everywhere she goes in her career. I want to be defined that way. I don't want to be defined as Petra, she's hot, she's easy, she's fun, she is someone I just want to be around for a little bit.

unknown 15:47

No.

SPEAKER_00 15:48

And I think that's what being alone does. It gives you freedom to define yourself, to define you. It also gives you the freedom to figure out what you cherish about the past relationships that you've been in. And then it gives you the option to decide over time what your non-negotiables are in a future relationship. And also it just gives you time for this, for whatever you want in life. And we talked about figuring out what you want, and not just in a relationship, think about what you want for your whole life. Think about what you want for your whole life, because that's gonna help you find the right person. If you want to not watch TV for three for three days and you want to immerse yourself in the woods and you want a person to do that with, don't choose a person that has to watch prime time on the couch every night from like seven to ten. Don't choose that person. Choose a person that's gonna fit what you want. Think about that. That is so crucial when you're choosing to be with someone. It's only fair to the other person, too. That's only fair to them. Um, there was something else I wanted to talk to you about, and I feel a little overwhelmed now because I got so excited about those two other things. Um moving on. Yes, moving on. That was the third thing I want to talk to you about. In the process of thinking that I needed to find another person and thinking that I need to have a partner, I moved on. I moved on from defining myself as a woman who is seeking another partner, a partner. I would like a partner someday, I won't lie. But I haven't put a timeline on it, I haven't put that on my life. I keep, I thought by now I would be on dating sites, and I haven't even thought about that. And actually, I don't think I want to go on dating sites, so I'm gonna have to figure this out some other way. But I want to tell you, moving on for me, when I think about moving on, I'm figuring out my next vacation. I'm not thinking about the next time I'm gonna go on a date. I'm thinking about the next um travel trip I'm gonna do. I'm thinking about the next volunteer job I'm gonna do, and I'm thinking about how I'm gonna fix my hair right now. This is insane. But I'm thinking about all those things, and I actually, ironically, I'm not thinking about how I'm gonna date someone right now. I am thinking about my life in the future and what I envision for it, and it does include another person, but it doesn't have a timeline on it, it has no timeline. My moving on is experiencing cold plunges, which I'm gonna start doing. Cold plunges are gonna be my new thing, and I wish I brought my suit here. I'm tempted to go in there naked because there's nobody here, but I won't do that. I won't do that. I want to start doing cold plunges, I want to start traveling more, I want to start um going on more bike adventures. I just have all these things that I want to do, and I'm not thinking about dating because when am I gonna do that? Like right now, it's kind of just defining myself was what I did already, figuring out what I wanted was really what I've done, and now moving on. And this moving on part is the best part, it is the best part telling you if you can hold out, and I don't want to put a timeline on it as a year or two years or three years, but if you can really hold out and listen, when people say don't get in a relationship for a year, don't do it. I did date within that year, I was I was a little bit of a failure there, and I can tell you, if you can do that, I just want to share benefits from me, from me. And I I would get irritated when people told me that when I first broke up with someone, waity or waity or it would irritate me, but now I feel so blessed that I have had a year to not be in a relationship and I am fine with it right now. I'm fine with waiting and finding that right person that will fit me when he comes along, and I truly believe he's out there. I mean he has to be. This world is so huge, right? He has to be out there. The thing is, I have to use discernment and I have to use use discretion. And if this little podcast here, this little YouTube video takes off right now, I will take you on my dating journey. I'm just excited. I'm excited for you, I'm excited for you to try it. Try it, try a year without a relationship, at least a year. Try it. Let's do it, let's do it together. Let's stand up and redo. Thank you. The events described are true to the best of the speaker's knowledge and recollection. Some names, locations, identifying characteristics, and timelines have been changed or altered to protect the privacy of the individuals involved. In some cases, composite characters have been created or dialogue has been reconstructed based on memory. The intention of this podcast is not to defame the line or harm any individual or entity. Rather, it is to share the speaker's journey with honesty, vulnerability, and integrity. Any opinions expressed are solely those of the speaker that are not intended as statements of fact regarding any person, group, or organization. Listeners should keep in mind that human memory is inherently subjective and selective, and while every effort has been made to ensure accuracy, this podcast reflects the speaker's perspective and truth. Thank you. The blog has been reconstructed based on memory. The intention of this podcast is not to defame, malign, or harm any individual or entity, rather, it is to share the speaker's journey with honesty, vulnerability, and integrity. Any opinions expressed are solely those of the speaker and are not intended as statements of fact regarding any person, group, or organization. Listeners should keep in mind that human memory is inherently subjective and selective. And while every effort has been made to ensure accuracy, this podcast reflects the speaker's perspective and truths. Thank you.