When Reclaiming Yourself Shakes Your Marriage (And Why That's Not a Bad Thing)

What happens to your marriage when you stop overfunctioning?

For many ambitious women, burnout doesn’t just affect work - it quietly reshapes their relationships at home.

In this deeply honest episode of Burn Beautiful™, Nicole shares the story of what happened when she stopped carrying the mental load and reclaimed her health and energy - and how that decision forced her marriage to reorganize.

Because here’s the truth no one talks about:
 When a woman stops abandoning herself, the entire relationship system has to shift.

Nicole walks through the real phases of what she calls a “marriage reorg” — from the early tension and resentment, to the breaking point that forced a new path forward.

Inside this episode, she shares:

• Why personal growth often disrupts relationships before it strengthens them
 • The pursue-withdraw dynamic that many couples fall into under stress
 • The moment she stopped outsourcing her safety to her marriage
 • Why modern partnerships struggle with the mental load
 • The systems and rituals that actually helped rebuild connection
 • How self-sovereignty changes the way you show up in conflict

If you’re a woman who is awakening to burnout, questioning old relationship patterns, or afraid that reclaiming yourself might cost your marriage — this conversation will feel both validating and empowering.

Because the goal isn’t a perfect relationship.

It’s a relationship where two whole people stand side by side — without either one disappearing.

Burn Beautiful is the podcast for ambitious women who are done self-abandoning for success and ready to reclaim their health, energy, and leadership through the HERS Method.

Because burnout isn’t a dead end.

It’s an initiation. 🔥

Ready to end chronic stress & lead whole?  Schedule your free consult with Nicole here: https://www.leaduphealth.com/coaching-client-page

For all services, check out www.leaduphealth.com

Are there topics or questions you'd like me to cover on Burn Beautiful? Email them to me and I'll incorporate them: nicole@leaduphealth.com

🎧 Music Credit:
“Seize the Day” by Andrey Rossi
Licensed via Uppbeat (free for creators)
🔗 uppbeat.io/t/andrey-rossi/seize-the-day
🎟 License Code: Q2SDHQ6PBNCDBXUE

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hi, you're listening to Burn Beautiful, a podcast for women ready to step into their divine feminine leadership so they can create a life of joy, health, and impact beyond their wildest dreams. Here, you'll learn how to heal stress from the inside out, reclaim your vibrant health, and master your energy so you can lead powerfully without burning out and actually enjoy the moments that matter most in this one beautiful and precious life. I'm Nicole Whitaker, Burnout and Leadership Coach, founder of Lead Up Health, and creator of the HERS Method. Welcome. Hi, and welcome back to Burn Beautiful. Today I am making good on my promise from the last episode and sharing after I came to had my big awakening that I was taking on more than my fair share at home, that I was carrying that invisible labor and I was done with it. What happened inside of my marriage? I think this is such an important conversation for a few reasons. One, when a woman, as I did, decided, you know, I need to get back to myself. I want to get back to caring for myself. I am just exhausted from giving all of myself at work and then coming home and giving the last drops of myself to my family and then having nothing left in the tank to give to myself. That women were saying we can't, we can't keep going, right? It's either we need to make a decision point to prioritize our health and our well-being. Or what happens if we don't is down the road, something's gonna force us. It's gonna be um health, it's gonna be that our family isn't doing well, right? Because when we're not doing well, how can we support our family? And so that's great. And I think so many women are coming to that realization. And what we have to talk about is that if you have been going along, if your marriage has been going along where you have taken on the lion's share of the invisible load, and you decide that you don't want to do that anymore, well, of course, it's gonna have a major impact on your marriage. And it's not gonna be like a flip of a switch, and it's not necessarily going to be easy. And I think we need to have this conversation because as I shared in the last episode, there's so many great information and resources about burnout. And a lot of this is going to impact your marriage. And we need to be able to have that real conversation about what to expect and to normalize that. Yes, this is going to be a challenging transition. So we're gonna talk about when reclaiming yourself does shake up your marriage and why that's not necessarily a bad thing. So, quick recap from the last episode, we talked about how the system really rewards women for overfunctioning, right? I remember when my kids were really, really young. Um, my husband would get all kinds of compliments about, oh my gosh, how are you handling, you know, three under three in a full-time job? And I wouldn't get those same compliments. And I realized that the reason why is because as women, we're just expected, it's just expected of us to overfunction, to be able to give all of ourselves. And it's really hard in a system that rewards women for overfunctioning to say, no, like this is not okay, and to draw that boundary for yourself. We also talked about why this whole just taking care of yourself, you know, oh, just just relax on the couch. You know, just if if you're exhausted, just take a break. Well, that doesn't always work because what often happens is if you decide to take a break on the couch, well, that laundry that you're not doing, guess who's still gonna do it later? You, but potentially a more tired version of you, right? And so rest in that situation can actually be more stress-inducing than just getting it done. So today's episode is really for the woman, for you. If you know that you're burning out, you've reached this level of awareness where you realize it's not healthy for you, you want to change, but potentially you're afraid of what that change might cost you. And also what that might cost your marriage. Because the reality is when you step into more of your power, marriage is going to have to reorganize itself. Marriage is a system, and systems do resist change. And this reorganization, you know, nine times out of 10 is gonna pay off exponentially for you, but maybe not right away. And maybe initially it's gonna feel uncomfortable. Maybe initially it's gonna cause tension between you and your partner. And it most certainly is going to require difficult conversations. That is part of the growth. So, again, in this episode, I'm gonna share what our reorganization, our marriage reorganization actually looked like after I decided I just couldn't take it anymore, couldn't handle all of the things anymore. Um, because I want to normalize this, right? I want to normalize that if you decide to make this shift, if you decide you want your husband to carry more of the load or your partner to carry more of the load, that it's gonna be hard. And when you choose to come home to yourself, we have to acknowledge that you're choosing some conversations, some tough conversations, potentially some conflict. And it's gonna take a lot of courage and it is worth it, no matter what it is worth it. So, my goal for this episode is really to share. I'm gonna go through the phases of my quote unquote marriage re-org. And I want to do it in a way that's honest, right? Because I do think we've got to start having real conversations about these things. And I want to do it in a way, of course, that honors my experience and my wonderful husband's experience. Um, and I also want to share some of my key lessons in kind of each phase, in case that's helpful for you, if you're going through these shifts or if you're going through this re-org in your marriage. So I want to start phase one. I'm gonna call my awakening phase. So this was when I quite literally on a dime, you know, I had hit rock bottom. And the next day I woke up and I was like, things are gonna be different. That is when I began to prioritize my health, taking time in the morning to exercise and started taking up some more space. Now, I had three under three at this point. So by default, that meant my husband, if I was gonna do this, I couldn't just leave my three young kids to their own devices, right? That meant that I was asking something of my husband that hadn't been asked of him before. And that caused some tension, which I'm gonna share about. And what's interesting about this phase is two things were true at once. This is such a great example of how two things, a both and situation, two things can be true. So I was both feeling infinitely better about myself. In the last episode, I shared how it was like each time I exercised, each time I lifted a weight, I felt a little bit stronger. I reminded myself a little bit more of what I was capable of and who I was. And I felt that much more confident when I was leading a meeting at work, that much more confident when I was making decisions for myself and for how to parent. Um, that physical, mental, emotional connection was really helping me. And I was feeling great. Um, and at the same time, our marriage was more strained than ever because of that. So tension was rising as these roles started to shift. And so this first phase of my awakening, you know, also came along with what I'll call this, I call it like my demanding phase of our marriage. It was basically me trying to force change and demand that my husband do more and then he do it differently. And this, you know, was I'm gonna share this was not my proudest moment. And I have so much compassion for myself during this phase, and I have so much compassion for you all if that's where you are. Because I mean, it makes sense. It makes sense that this phase would be challenging. So, what this would look like for my husband and I is I, you know, I decided I'm gonna exercise and I more or less demanded. I said, hey, I'm gonna start exercising. This is my schedule. I need you to step in, right? It was direct. I said what I wanted, I'm proud of that. And I didn't necessarily leave much room for conversation. Um, he kind of didn't have much choice but to agree. And so you can imagine that this caused some resentment on his end. Um, and what this would often look like is I might, you know, delegate something to him. So, for example, one big challenge that I had is I was exhausted. My kids were so young, I was exhausted from managing all of the emotional needs, all the arguments, I mean, good toddler arguments between them, all of the tantrums. And I was like, you know what, husband, I need you to handle more of these. But then what would happen is I'd watch him handling a meltdown and it wouldn't be exactly how I wanted it to be, right? He might be a little bit more direct or not using, you know, in my mind, what the gentle parenting approach should be. And so then I'd instead of supporting him, I would micromanage him and I'd step in. I'd end up stepping in and taking it over. So you can imagine how this, you know, he would feel A, he's trying to step in and support, and yet he's feeling criticized. And he's in a position then where he needs to defend himself. And for me, I was just feeling frustrated. And so you can imagine how both ends there was this like frustration and tension. So when I reflect back on this phase of our marriage, I mean, I really effed up in a lot of ways. Um, and at the same time, I learned a lot of valuable lessons. And so the lessons that I learned was that it's it's okay to directly express my need. It is okay to expect more of my partner and to speak up. And probably the biggest lesson I learned during this phase is that the only thing worse than losing my partner was losing myself. And at the same time, my approach wasn't awesome. And the thing that I want to share with you, especially if you're experiencing some of these tough dynamics with your partner, where maybe you're demanding or asking things of him and he's not living up to your expectations. And there's often this cycle of, you know, the woman not feeling like her needs are met, expressing that to her partner, and then the partner feeling criticized and defensive, and around we go in this cycle is you gotta offer yourself so much compassion and your partner so much compassion. Because if you have a full-time job, if you have little kids that need to be taken care of, what that means is that you are from the time you wake up to the time you go to bed, just pouring yourself into others. And that means that there will be times when there might not be a lot of emotional capacity to have that, you know, well-thought out conversation with your partner. Um, this also means that you might not have time to reconnect with your partner on the way, in the way that you would like to, right? We all know, oh, you know, go on dates. You have to prioritize that connection. Absolutely, I agree with that. And guess what? If you are giving all of yourself at work and at home, you can't possibly expect yourself to have that connection time for my husband and I, we would literally lie next to each other on the couch, hold hands, because that was all we could muster. And then I would basically pass out while we started to watch TV show. Um and the other piece that I want to share here that I think is so important is that when we are stressed, when we are not filling our own cups, when life is demanding so much of us, what can happen in our relationships is some of our less healthy attachment patterns can surface. So, very briefly, the science of attachment theory is fascinating to me. It more or less talks about how your relationships to your parents at home impact how you connect with your partner and your adult relationships. And so for myself, for example, I have, if I'm in an unhealthy space, I have an anxious attachment style. And what that means is that my biggest need is to feel seen and heard in a relationship. And if that, if I do not have that feeling that I can voice my opinion in a way that says, you know, hey, my needs are not being met. And it can come across as critical because I get anxious. I need that acknowledgement from my partner. And fast forward to my partner's attachment style, his unhealthy, leaning attachment style, which is gonna surface when we're stressed, is more of a dismissive avoidant, which means his biggest need in a relationship is peace and calm. And so when he feels criticized, he's going to dismiss it, he's gonna self-protect by defending, or he's gonna avoid the conversation. So you can just imagine the cycle that this can get us in when we're stressed, these unhealthy attachment patterns emerge. I am saying, I need more, I need this. He takes that as criticism, he's pulling away, and then I feel abandoned. And around and around we go. And so this whole pursue withdraw dynamic is really intensified when we're stressed, which can be tricky, right? Because we all need our partners the most when we're stressed, and yet it can trigger these less healthy attachment patterns that might have come from our childhood. And so that's to say, again, like if you are in this space, like I get it, right? It's it is so tricky. And with all things, the first thing that needs to happen with both of you is for you all to get some space to regulate yourselves before you can reconnect, before you can then come together and focus on things like understanding instead of being right, to approach a conversation from a regulated standpoint. Okay, so that was phase one, which I call the awakening and then demanding phase of our marriage re-org, when I wanted him to start picking up more of the mental and emotional load at home. So, what came after that was no bueno. It is when our relationship really hit rock bottom. So, you know, here we were at this low point. We were both stressed, we were both feeling resentful towards each other, we were both feeling alone, yet we had all this stuff flying at us from our from home life, from work. And then we had what I call the fight. This is like, you know, it's in theater or in theater and movies, it's called the bottom of act two. It's like when the hero just hits rock bottom and it feels like there is no hope. So I'll never forget, just to set the stage a little bit, you know, we had been in it. We were deep into our unhealthy attachment patterns. We I don't think we had talked really for a few days because he had kind of cut me out and I had kind of to protect, self-protect, then cut him back out. Um, and we were sitting on the couch after the kids were in bed. We had decided, we're like, we have to have a conversation. And y'all, he dropped the D word, as in divorce. So you can imagine for anyone, and especially those of you who have anxious attachment patterns, like I do, right? That that's the ultimate betrayal, right? To threaten divorce. And I will never forget the moment because this moment was a turning point for me and how I related to our marriage. When I first heard that word, I immediately had a physical reaction in my body. It was like a split second after that comment. I could feel anxiety rise up in my body. I could feel my chest tighten. I could feel myself shake a little bit, you know, full-on physical panic. Like I'm I'm in threat. I like, you know, it's like when the lion's chasing the zebra and I feel like I'm running for my life, that physical experience. But I had been working on myself, right? I had been taking some silent time to myself to, I had been thinking about how I wanted to show up as a person, as a parent in a marriage, et cetera. And y'all, there was that split second that some people talk about between stimulus and response when you have a choice, that split second. And in that moment, I realized I could lash back, I could do what I wanted to do to self-protect and say, Oh, yeah, well, I want a divorce too, you know, and get into it like that. But I had a realization. And that realization was that this was about me. This wasn't about him. And that no matter what happened, I wanted to be able to look back at this moment and be proud of how I showed up in this conversation. And then I wanted to look back at this moment and realize, Nicole, you had your back in that moment. You created safety for yourself. And so in that moment, I decided I'm not gonna try and control this. I'm not going to try and control the outcome of our marriage. I'm not gonna beg him, please like reconsider. I'm not going to fight back to self-protect. I just kind of let it be. And I said, okay, if that's how you feel, I accept it. And not in a way, not in a way to rile him up or anything, but because that was the inner truth. Um, and it was so fascinating because in that moment, I thought I would feel fear, like, oh my gosh, you know, all the things. The family's crumbling, this and that. But I felt such a sense of inner peace because I was surrendering my attempt to control what my husband does and refocusing on what was in my locus of control. And in that moment, what was in my locus of control was how I reacted. And in the end, that was the biggest takeaway that I learned that I don't want to try and control. It's exhausting, y'all. I've tried to control him and how he shows up and how he parents and his actions. I had tried to control that for far too long. And I realized that really my role is just gathering information. And then based on what he chooses, selecting my response. And what was so interesting is that after that moment, after that argument, the very next day, he approached me and said he wanted to pursue therapy. And I know that that not necessarily might not necessarily be the case for everybody. Some people might experience the same conversation, and who knows, maybe the divorce will happen. But what I knew is that even if that had happened, it would have been devastating. I'm not gonna lie. Of course, it would be devastating if we ended up getting divorced. Um, and so in all the ways, right? From the level of a family, for my kids, for myself. And also I knew that no matter what happened, I was going to be okay because I had my own back. And that shift, I think he must have felt energetically my release. He must have felt some sort of freedom in that. And me no longer trying to make him do certain things or act a certain way. And I really believe that that is when he was able to then take charge of himself and make a decision for himself. And that's when we decided to go to marriage counseling. So my biggest lesson from that moment was a few. One, that I can choose my own peace no matter what is happening around me or in my marriage. And that two, that peace comes from not trying to control all of the external circumstances, but really focusing on how is it that I want to show up? And to realize that I have my own back. This comes from a deep, deep, deep seated self-trust that is something that is within all of us, but that does take cultivation. It does take tending to and a remembering, a remembering of why we can trust ourselves. So now let's jump into part three, which is where we started to go to marriage counseling, and we really started to reorganize our marriage. And a lot of things happened in marriage counseling. Um there was it wasn't perfect, y'all. There was, you know, resistance. I think a lot of the times I felt frustrated because I felt like it's like he was finally listening to things that I thought I'd been trying to tell him all along. Right. And and there were shifts on my end too. You know, I had a lot of learnings on my end, but I don't want to talk about that piece. It's that piece is going to be different for everybody. Um, but I think a few things came up that I want to share with you that were highly supportive of us coming back together and being where we are now, which isn't perfect, but it's much sturdier ground. So the first is this whole myth of this effortless equality, right? That things are always gonna be 50-50. You know, I was like, oh, let's split it down the middle. I want things to be even, right? And in fact, I know that my marriage is getting wonky when things start to feel tit for tat, right? When it starts to feel like, oh, you got a 30-minute break. Well, I want a 30-minute break. That's actually a red flag, and that's not what 50-50 means. Um, Brene Brown does a great job explaining this concept of 50-50, which there are a few pieces of it. A given day or even a given season is not going to be 50-50 because one, there are seasons of life. And so, for example, back when I had my, you know, leadership role, I was traveling, I had certain demands on my time. My husband actually had to lean in a lot more than I could in some instances with my kids. Now that I own my own business, I have greater flexibility and I actually want to lean in in different spaces. And so, in that sense, it's not 50-50. The other reason why it's not 50-50 is that we still want to play to our strengths and also what's important to me. So, for example, because I care, you know, uh deeply about the food that I eat and that my kids eat. I care about, you know, my background is an integrative nutrition, so I care a lot about eating organic and looking at ingredients. Well, that's important to me. And so I'm not gonna force that upon my husband because that's important to me. That's the sp I'm gonna control that, right? I'm gonna do most of the grocery shopping and the meal planning, and I want it that way. And he's comfortable with that because he he doesn't want that's not an area for him. Whereas I hate to say it because it's stereotypical, but I don't like fixing things. I don't like putting things together. And so he's the fixer, he's gonna put things together, right? And that's okay for us to have our roles. And then the third reason why it's not gonna be 50-50 is because on a given day, one of us might have more capacity than the other. So just last night, I do typically lean in. I'm kind of the first line of defense when one of my children is dysregulated. And last night that was happening, and I was just, it was a day yesterday. And so I went to my husband and I said, I am at 0%. Can you please step in? And he did. So, you know, understanding being able to connect briefly about like, where are you? You know, Renee Brown literally recommends giving a number on a scale of one to 10. Where are you? Um, we don't do that necessarily formally, but I think that we're getting better at tapping each other in and out when we have less emotional capacity or, you know, are feeling particular particularly stressed. So the other piece that I learned during this phase is this concept of ownership. So there's this book, Fair Play. I highly recommend it if um, you know, evening out the mental and emotional load is something you are aiming to do in your marriage. And one of the concepts this book talks about is this concept of someone who owns something versus someone versus helping, right? So, for example, the way things used to play out, say there was an upcoming birthday, you know, I was planning a birthday for one of the kids. I used to put my husband, and my husband would put himself in this helper role. We both would. So I would kind of do all the planning, all the work, and I he'd be the executor. Like, can you go pick up the balloons? Right. That didn't work well because that still left the planning, the picking out of the balloons, the figuring out the theme, the placing the order, right? The hard part, that mentally hard part was landing on me, the decisions part, right? That decision fatigue was leading on me. So, what that looks like now, and we just had a birthday, is I literally say, you know, we we have a little meeting and I say, okay, I'm gonna own these things, you own these things. Can you own like, can you own the decorations? And he owns that the decorations from start to finish. That means figuring out what he wants it to be, placing the order, going to pick them up. Now, what's really important here is two things. One, if you care about what those decorations look like, you've got to paint done. You've got to get on the same page and say, this is what I'm envisioning. And then you can have them execute. Or ideally, you have some things that you maybe care less about. And you can say, you know what? I'm gonna let go of what the decorations look like for this party. I'm gonna, I'm gonna leave my partner to his own devices and whatever he shows up with, I am gonna be okay with that and I'm gonna be thankful for it. And this has really been a great exercise for myself and for my partner to really identify what are the things that I do really care about and therefore I, you know, I'm gonna own versus what are things that actually I might think that they're important, but I can actually totally let go of. And this is a that was the piece that I needed to play, the role I needed to play when I, you know, said that I wanted 50-50, but yet I secretly wanted to control all things. That's not setting anyone up for success. And so, really identifying these are the things, you know, for yourself. Identify what are the things that are so important to you that you do want to own versus what are some things you can actually relinquish full ownership over to your partner for? And that's gonna really help reduce stress and even the playing field. So the last piece that I want to leave you with here that you know is I it really sounds unromantic, but I have actually realized is really important is that marriages need systems and structures to keep going, especially if you are busy. Because when you are busy, when you both have careers and the kids, it's not that the love for each other goes away. It's that the capacity to demonstrate that love goes away, right? There's only so much capacity we have, and systems and structures really help that. It is a hands down the reason why, you know, we haven't been in marriage counseling for quite some time now. And it's the reason why everything that we learned has been able to stick. And so I want to share two structures that have really just changed everything for how we function as a married couple. So the first are two connection rituals. So one connection ritual is a daily connection ritual, and it is literally a three minute of just T and I after we get the kids on the bus, we have our coffee and we check in. How's it going? What's your day look like? You know, what are you excited about? What are you worried about? Those types of things. It's, you know, three to six minutes. Now, for your schedule, maybe it's not, that's not the right time, but you know, that's the piece where you're gonna have to work to figure out what works with your routines, but just that one-on-one connection, ideally at the start of the day, and ideally again at the close of the day, but either the start or the close can just keep that thread of connection going throughout the week. The second thing that has been instrumental in our marriage has been this process called State of the Union. And we aim to have it weekly. I'd say we probably, you know, things happen, kids get sick, we end up with work meetings, but I would say at least bi-weekly we do this. We have it scheduled for weekly, though, is the state of the union. And this process has been amazing for us. So it looks first like sharing some gratitude, five things that happen this week that we are thankful for the other person to do. Now, this has been huge, especially, you know, my given our attachment styles that I shared. Um, I am not the best at remembering to acknowledge all that my husband is contributing. And that's a really that's one of his love languages. And it helps, you know, the piece where I do express my needs, it feels less like criticism. And so we start with five things that we are thankful for. And it it helps me because then I feel seen like, oh, he did notice that I did that thing. Um, and you know, my greatest thing is to be be seen and hurt. So after the gratitude, then we say, is there any basically clear any grievances, right? Is there anything you want to share with me that bothered you? Now it's not that we have to wait for this time and space to say if things bother us, but it's helpful for me to think more intentionally about is this something I really need to say to my partner now, or can I just bring it up when we talk on Friday? So we have space for that. And then my favorite is we have this question. It's like, what can I do to support you or meet your needs next week? And this is huge because honestly, sometimes my husband will ask that question, and it's like I won't even have that answer myself until I have that space to think, like, oh yeah, actually, you know, uh coming up on Tuesday, I'm really anxious about this meaning, and it would mean a lot if you could XYZ or whatever it is. So this, I'm sure that there's a template. You know, if you look up State of the Union online, there's there's I'm sure there's a process to this um that you could follow, but those are the steps. So just to repeat, five things you're thankful for, clear any grievances. Um, ask how you can support each other for the week. And it's it's consistency of this that has really been a game changer for us. And then the last thing I'll share, and y'all, this might sound unromantic, but we schedule, you know, doing the thing. And it works for us because honestly, it is um, it's a need, it's a need for both of us for connection, and it's especially a need for him. And even if we skip a day, right? Even if it's like, oh, we're um, you know, too tired. Tuesday, Tuesday is one of our nights, too tired. It's still in my head to say, okay, well, we didn't do it Tuesday, so we're gonna, it's gonna happen on Wednesday. And so these are the pieces that have really shifted our relationship to the point where it is now. And I want you to know, y'all, it's not like the work is done, right? It's and it's true, you don't need me to say this. We never arrive personally, we're never going to arrive in our relationships. You just just last week we had an argument and it started to follow this old pursue withdraw pattern, right? It it doesn't mean that conflict goes away. We know that growth isn't linear, it's gonna have ups and downs. So it doesn't even necessarily mean that our marriage is gonna be is gonna feel right all the time. What has changed has been within myself. And specifically, it's how I show up. Um, I always can say with all honesty that I show up in a way that makes me proud 99% of the time. And the second I do. I remember last year I raised my voice. It was a 30-second thing, and immediately I was like, I am so sorry. That was unwarranted. Um, so I never abandon myself and how I want to show up. And that's the second piece is for me, self-abandonment is off the table. Um, I will never override my needs to preserve a relationship because that's not a real relationship. That's not real love. And I saw something, I think it might have been just the other day, where I was like, yes, that is so right. It was something along the lines of um, love is unconditional. Love is unconditional, but relationships are not unconditional. Relationships have to have conditions because we have to be able to set boundaries and expectations about how we're treated and what is and is not okay, where we're flexible and where we can have some leniency and where where we are not going to. So this whole self-abandonment is off the table, helps me to stay open-hearted without abandoning myself. Um and y'all, this comes from constant work on myself, looking in the mirror, right? It's it's not like a one-time breakthrough. And it is about being radically clear about what it is that I want in a relationship and what's non-negotiable versus where I have flexibility. So again, if you think about a circle, you could even do this activity. Draw a circle on the page. In the circle, what are your non-negotiables? For me, being yelled at, it's a non-negotiable. I don't, I'm too old for that, y'all. I in an argument, you know, where I have flexibility or a lot of meeting some of his needs, right? Maybe that are are not a priority for for me, but are for his. And so on the inside of the circle, you put what your non-negotiables are. On the outside, you put where are you flexible? Where could you meet your partner and be a little bit more reflexible? Um just to land here, you know, it's this ability to build self-love, to build self-trust, to not feel at the whim, emotionally at the whim of the ups and downs in marriage is really, really critical for me because it means that when tension arises, when I do get triggered, right? I'm able to have that split second of space between the trigger and the response to then ask, okay, here's what's happening. Check, I'm gonna put this up in information. How do I want to choose to respond, given this is what is happening? And that level of intentionality is gonna create more peace, more inner peace in your yourself, more self-trust in yourself. And it is about choosing integrity and choose choosing peace over the need to control the outcome or the need to control what's going on inside your marriage or somebody else. It's no longer needing to win in order to feel safe, right? I feel safe, emotionally safe regardless of the outcomes. And so, my friends, I will leave you here with those final thoughts. And again, just want to offer you so much compassion. You know, I I heard in my my very first life coach that I ever had said, you know, if you really want to grow, if you really want to awaken, have kids, and get married. And it's because in our closest relationships, it's going to reveal our deepest fears. It's going to trick, they're going to trigger us the most. They're going to make us look in the mirror even when it's uncomfortable. And it is, it is a journey, folks. And so wherever you are with this, just give yourself so much love, so much compassion. And I'm excited to continue this conversation with you about self-empowerment, about burn about burnout, about coming home to yourself. So please continue to meet me here on the Burn Beautiful podcast. Until next time, Burn Beautiful Loves. Thank you for spending this time with me. If this episode sparked something in you, subscribe. And I'd be so grateful if you take a moment to rate and review the show. It is the most powerful way to help other women find it. And if you know someone who is struggling or on the edge of burnout or simply wants to lead from fullness, send this their way. Let's grow this movement together. To get exclusive insights, tools, and behind-the-scenes support, join the Hurts Insider list at www.leaduphhelp.com. And if you're ready to explore working together, whether through coaching or consulting, you can book a free consultation right to the site. Until next time, burn beautiful love.