Episode 25 : Thick Skin

In this episode, my youngest daughter and I discuss the need to have "thick skin" or be strong in situations. While we agree that we don't want to be taken advantage of, we also realize the need to give grace to others.  Often whatever is being thrown our way has nothing to do with us, but can create hurt feelings if taken personally.

To learn more about me and to purchase my book that shares all of my tips about parenting, wellness, leadership, and life skills, visit www.kristynlee.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:09

Welcome to the Show Me the Baby podcast. This is your host, Kristen Lee. I am here to share and expand on topics outlined in my book, Show Me the Baby. Short and sweet tips on parenting, wellness, organization, leadership, and life skills. Why show me the baby? My lifelong friend and mentor never had the patience for lengthy explanations. His mantra was don't tell me about the birth, show me the baby. What I am sharing are brief, to-the-point lessons that I have learned, advice that I was given, or information gathered from others. I want to share my experiences to assist you in navigating parenting and life. The episodes are based on some of the subjects covered in my book and are unscripted, sometimes going in a direction that wasn't planned, but I think makes them more interesting. My goal is to expand on each theme, keeping in the Show Me the Baby way in 15 minutes or less. For a complete list of all the topics I discussed, you can purchase my book, ShowMeTheBaby, at Amazon.com. For more information about me and a link to purchase, go to my website, Kristenlee.com. That's K-R-I-S-T-Y-N-L-E-E.com. Hello, this is Kristen Lee, and this is the Show Me the Baby podcast. Today I welcome back my youngest daughter, Hayden, to join me on the podcast. Welcome. Hello, thank you for having me. She says she may be a little brain dead because she just came from work and she says she hopes she can do a podcast that's coherent. I think you can. We'll see. Long day. Long day. Well, thanks for coming and stopping by to join me for this podcast. The topic we are going to chat about is called thick skin, is the name of the chapter in my book. And I'll just start with saying the chapter is based on my parenting of the my two girls especially about having thick skin when it came to pushback that I received as they grew up, different stages of their lives. They gave me more pushback.

SPEAKER_02 2:39

I can recall I'm not gonna give an example, but I can recall one where oh my goodness, it was you ended up trampoline, perhaps. I don't even remember that. Maybe that was a separate instance.

SPEAKER_01 2:54

I I won't I won't go into it, but but as I describe it in the book, it was, you know, my mom said when I had a girl first, Ava. Well, both both of you are girls, but she Ava was not very old, and she wow, she may have even been in the hospital. And I was, you know, we were looking at Ava, and she just kind of my mom kind of shook her head and I said, What? She said, You're gonna have to be a bitch.

SPEAKER_02 3:22

I didn't write that in the book because I thought I don't think that's right, but that's what she said. Quote quote from your grandmother. And I thought, what does she mean? And then as you all two, you got older, because you're only two years apart, I thought, it all makes sense. It all makes sense now.

SPEAKER_01 3:38

You have to be as I feel like, and you aren't, you are a parent to fur babies, but you are not a parent to humans, and and that my role, I always looked at, you know, as your mom and as your basically, well, I kind of was a dual parent.

SPEAKER_00 3:56

Only yeah.

SPEAKER_01 3:57

Um mother and father. Yeah, I kind of had to be both. And I think that I think I was, I hope I was loving, but I had to be pretty hard too, because I didn't want you to just I didn't want it to be a free-for-all. So um it was hard. It was hard. You you especially were were like gave me a lot of pushback. So that being said, I kind of I kind of went a little further than I needed to, but looking back, because you're not that far out of being, you know, you haven't been gone for I mean, you've been gone from home for a number of years, but it's not been 10 by any means. But yeah, how do you when I say thick skin, at this point, can you kind of put yourself in my place, or is it still too fresh?

SPEAKER_00 4:40

Yeah, no, definitely. I I understand it now. Like there still are certain times where you look back and you're like, well, you're probably a little a little too harsh, but also when you look back, like you had to be the mom and the dad. Like you had to be the strict parent. There was not another parent who could be the strict parent. So you had to play both of those roles. So I do understand it now, and I think once I have my own kid, I'll probably understand it even a little more. Um, but even just an adult since being in my 20s and having, you know, working since I was had my license when I was 16, um, you had you're right. I mean, Connie was right too. You have to have thick skin and you sort of have to be a bitch sometimes. And it's true.

SPEAKER_01 5:24

Um well, and and you've had a number, like you you said, I mean, you've had a a part-time job, full-time jobs uh, you know, since you were able to drive and were able to, you know. I think my kind of my guideline, which I also probably say somewhere in the book, I can't remember, that if you weren't in a sport that I wanted you to work because there was just too much free time.

SPEAKER_00 5:47

It was just too much free time for you to be bored or be on your phone or yeah, you know, and I'm very nothing, not to get off topic, but I am thankful that you did make me work. And even looking back on college now that I'm graduating, you know, sometimes I do have regret like, why didn't I just, you know, work the most minimum and like ask for an allowance or something? Because I probably would have enjoyed college more, but I think it has set me so far ahead most people my age that I'm a lot more capable in some senses because I was juggling so much and dealing with a lot and having thick skin because of that. I mean, I have a lot of workplace experience when most people probably at this point might have schooling, yeah. Might not. Um, so yeah, I'm definitely thankful for it. And I think too, seeing you as such a strong-minded, strong-willed person growing up. I was like, when I was growing up, you were just like a brick wall. I'm like, I can't get past this woman. But I think that was a really good example to see. Um, you know, that even though we both sort of have the personalities to be pushovers, there's certain senses where we we have to learn that we can't be that way, that life is gonna eat us up and spit us out if we if we aren't a bitch sometimes. And that's sad as a woman that you're either, you know, a push-over or a bitch. There's really no in-between, but that's how the world works, and I'll be nice, but we'll have a little spice of, you know, bitchiness.

SPEAKER_01 7:17

This is the way it is. This is the way it is. Yeah. Well, and I think over, you know, the course of your your work career so far, I know you've had to deal with not only, you know, supervisors, but college students because you, you know, college student, you you have worked well, we live in a college town, so a lot of the people who you have been dealing with over a multitude of your jobs have really been working with college students. And their crazy parents. And their parents, and their parents. And I think that you know, if if you and I are both um I would say we've got kind hearts and we're sensitive, but then also we realize if we if we don't have that thick skin, like you said, we will be eaten alive. I mean, and so like in your experience at at at you know, one of your jobs, because you've had many, and let's say, you know, some, you know, even if it's a coworker, like somebody treating you or talking to you in a way that could really hurt your feelings, you know, if and and how did you handle that? Like if somebody said something that was really hurtful, how did you look at that? Like, you know, did you did you think, oh, this is, you know, against me, about me?

SPEAKER_00 8:34

Yeah, I think I mean I have different situations where I felt different things, but in a certain instance when I would be talked down to by a certain person, luckily at that point I knew them well enough to know that they didn't really mean the things, the horrific things they were saying. Um, and it was more of a personality trait. Um, but in situations with people where you know they do have a good heart, but there's just something that's been misplaced and they do have a lot of trauma, I just let it fly by me because I knew if I did take it personally, I would be absolutely miserable and feel horrible about myself. And so it was hard in the beginning to get past that and realize it wasn't a personal attack, even though it sort of felt like it and sounded like it. Um, but yeah, just realizing also life isn't that serious. Like you get just like me, we both get worked up over things when I think about something I was upset about, you know, five years ago. And in that time it I thought my life was ending. But things, things will pass. This too shall pass, as you always say. So developing that mindset too, I think, was really helpful. And going forward, I can deal with a lot, mostly anybody, because I don't I don't take it personally. And I think that's made me a better person and an easier person to work with, um, and I guess more manageable for the employer side of things. But yeah, I I think it's been helpful.

SPEAKER_01 10:07

Yeah, and I and and like you said, I think it's whoever it is, whether it's it's you know, a coworker, a supervisor, that most of the time, and not that it's right, I'm not saying it's right for people to act that way because I don't, I mean, I don't often I don't think it's professional, I don't think it's warranted, but also you know, you can't it happens in my experience that I mean I've I have been in the same career for 31 years, and and I'm lucky that I have been most of that time, you know, in in the boss, I guess. Yeah. And but but in that environment, when I had um, you know, I had employ I had I used to have, you know, five or six employees, and there was always no matter who was who what the group was, there was always one person. Yes, there was always one person or two people who would feud or fight and just be rude and disrespectful. And as a leader, even though I would set the tone for the for the way I wanted my store to be and the way I want interactions to be, you know, I couldn't fix people, I can just set the boundaries and say this isn't an ex this isn't acceptable, but still a little under underhanded undermining would happen. And so I feel like that's that's everywhere and it's it's workplace dynamics. It really is. And and and even family dynamics. I mean, and it, you know, among family members it can happen. So I think just having that ability to kind of be able to step outside and say, you know what, this isn't about me. It's about them and they're projecting. Yes, it's about you, it's about them, you know, not you per se, but you know, the person on the other side, and realizing, okay, well, you know, there's a in my certainly in my experience, plenty of times I wouldn't say anything just because you know it's not gonna change anything. And then there are some times I think you It's worth it. It's worth it to just because then if you don't stand up, then they think, oh, they can just do whatever they want.

SPEAKER_00 12:10

Yeah. Yeah, that's a very fine line, and also something very difficult to deal with, which like I said, it I think it really depends on what type of situation you're in. Um, but yeah, there's there's times where I think you just let it roll off your shoulders, and then there's times it comes to a certain point where you have to stand up for yourself and it's not right. So yeah, it's a fine line. Go ahead.

SPEAKER_01 12:32

And as a parent, as we started talking about this as you as my daughter, I think, you know, when you nothing is ever perfect, and I think I could have and I did, you know, when when I'll say this now to you, like there were so many times I have to be such, you know, firm. I had to be firm and you would you would flip out. You would have flipped Oh because and my flipped out. There is no way to get through this woman. And then you try you would try, you would do the flip out, and then you thought that that would work, and you'd cry, and you'd go in your your bathroom, and I I have a recording somewhere of you in your bathroom. It's terrific. I won't play it on the podcast, but yes, somewhere on my phone. I have a little recording of you just screaming and carrying on. And and and this, you know, straight faced often that I had to be because I didn't want to. I mean, I'm not saying I never yelled because I know you know I I had to work on that because you, you know, being triggered into yelling or and and again, that was that was your work of trying to trying to let you know, trying to make me lose it, because then if I lost it, then I was even more manipulative, or if that's the right word. Anyway, I um oh, there was so often I would, you know, between you and your sister, we there would be an issue, and I would just go back in my bedroom and lock the door and just sit in my bathroom and cry. Oh my gosh, that's horrible. Well, it is horrible, but but but I couldn't I couldn't do it in front of you because I didn't want you to see that well, that you got to me, because then it'd be even worse and you'd get what you want.

SPEAKER_00 14:08

Yeah. I I think and looking back, there were definitely times where I'm sure I did flip out for that reason, but I think also it was probably a lot of misplaced emotions, you know. Sure. I didn't understand, I didn't know how to, you know, show my emotions without just having a whole fit. I think that's another thing that I feel like we've worked on almost together as I've gotten older and you've been a little less of a I'm your mother.

SPEAKER_01 14:34

Well, because you're older.

SPEAKER_00 14:36

Yeah, no, and I get this.

SPEAKER_01 14:37

And you're more you're more mature. You're you've you've grown, you've uh you know, you don't need me, you know. Certainly, I hope you always need me as your mom, as a guide and as a somebody, a support system, yeah, you know, for you. A support system and a guide. But you know, I don't have to have to worry about my safety 24-7, and I'm just gonna die. No, or well, I still worry about that, but that's my mother will always worry about that, or parent, you know. But I think that I'm not, you know, I feel like as a mom, if I did, if I did my job right as a mom, then as you know, you and your sister have become adults, then you you can, you know, you can do it on your own. You know, you've learned, you've, you know, you've hope had the foundation to learn how to function in the world. And I've said this before on another podcast, that um, you know, that that's that's the role, that's my role that I had. And I had to be the hard one to set you up for success. And and certainly, you know, as you go through it, you know, a mom and a and mom and children, if I if certainly if I could go back, there are certain there are things I know if I could redo, I would, but in the moment, yeah, you're not thinking. Well, you're not thinking, uh I don't want to say I'm I'm not thinking rationally, but sometimes when I something would just come out of the blue, especially at the end of a work day and after, and it was usually in the evening, like I was tired and I'd worked all day and I'd gone to the grocery and then I'd made dinner, and by this time it was nine or nine thirty, ten, and then it was usually at those moments that you'd spring, you know, one of you would spring something on me and then and then get upset, and then I was at the end of the day, and and and that's probably, you know, thinking back, that's when I would lose my temper. And I worked on that, and I, you know, I think I came up with some str I know I came up with some strategies of how not to lose my temper, and often it would be, I'm not gonna answer that right now. Yeah, but then often you would push me, like I need an answer in I need an answer right now. Like you'd wait until the last minute, and I'd say, I I'm I can't make that decision right now. And you go, Well, I have to I have to have the answer right now because it's tomorrow.

SPEAKER_00 16:56

I need to know tomorrow, and then I then that that's probably why it wouldn't Yeah. But I mean, also looking back, I mean, I'm sure you see it too. I mean, you've been in survival mode your entire life. Like, no wonder I would lose it. So I I do understand now seeing what you had been through. Um, I completely understand. I would probably off myself. Um, sorry, I shouldn't have said that, but you know what I mean. Um, it definitely would have been very hard to handle. Um, so I get it. I get it now that I'm older, and honestly, with you being, you know, tougher on us, pretty much like you know, um you would think a dad would be, it's made the rest of my life a lot easier, not gonna lie. Because I mean, we just we butted heads sometimes and battled sometimes, as you've said. But I mean, it's made a lot of other relationships, it's easier for me to see those things and to they don't really bother me anymore because me and you have been through it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:58

But we also I'm I'm I think I'm I I can say this, we're very close now. And I think that is a natural uh progression of especially, I mean, my only experience as a mom to daughters, so I'm only speaking from that vantage point, but that going through that with you and your sister, and I think, and I hear it in your I mean I can hear what you're saying is like you knew I loved you and you knew now looking back, I did it not out of anything for me, because it would have been way easier. Yeah. I mean, it would have been way easier to go, oh yeah, go ahead. Yeah, go over here, go over here, stay out all you know, stay out as late as you want, do whatever. I don't care where you, you know, come home when you want. Oh, I'm sure it was much harder, way, way, way harder than just giving in and to every single thing. And and and my job, and I just actually texted your sister about this last night, that my job as your one of my jobs or roles as your mom and parent was that the setting setting boundaries and protecting you. Like I I knew I couldn't protect you from everything, and I and as you got older, the protection bubble, you know, opened up a little more. But when you were young and couldn't protect younger and couldn't protect yourself, and I I just didn't want you to be in those experiences or in in an opportunity where somebody, you know, and I'll just throw that there, somebody could take advantage of you. I mean, sexually abuse you. I mean, I that that terrified me because I thought, you know, one thing in your life like that can absolutely. And and if I and there was an instance where you wanted to go spend the night at somebody's house, and it was probably a you know, like a sleepover or whatever, well, with multiple, you know, girls, and I didn't know the parents. I all the kids I didn't know. I mean, I knew some of the kids, but I and you were so mad at me. I um I said, okay, well, I you can go, but I you can go for the party part, but you're not spending the night. And so I dropped you off, and then I picked you up, I don't know, two or three hours later, and it was in the you know, it was far. Like it was like a 40-minute drive. I mean, maybe that's not far in a city, but but in our town, that's 40 minutes is kind of far. It's like in an it was like in another part of the of the county. But anyway, when I pulled up, I didn't even want to leave you.

SPEAKER_02 20:32

And I thought, why did I even say?

SPEAKER_01 20:34

And it was but but you know, and I think compromise. Yes, and I but I think after you got there and I came and picked you up, thank God, you were you were relieved. You were relieved, and not that these people were you know, were dangerous people. I don't ever but but I didn't know them, and and you and your sister are my, you know, you were mine to protect, and I thought it's not worth it, it's not worth you spending the night somewhere and something horrible happened just to sleep. Yeah and and again, you were relieved, and you you know, you didn't say, Oh, my mom, I said, No, don't say your mom doesn't want you there. You just say, Oh, I've got something to do in the morning, and I actually think you did have something to do, maybe horse-wise, the next day. But anyway, anyway, you were not happy in the beginning, but you were happy that I came and picked you up when I did.

unknown 21:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:23

Yeah, I never really was one for sleepovers, anyways. No.

SPEAKER_02 21:27

Wow, we taught, look at this. It's we we are running show me the baby time.

SPEAKER_01 21:32

The last, you know, the longer these podcasts have gone, this will be in the you know, we're the mid-20s of the podcast. But um, yeah, the first initial ones were were some of them were eight or nine minutes, and now they're heading to twenty. So I I am trying to reel it in so people don't like say, This is not show me the baby. Right. This is tell me about the birth. That's what this is.

SPEAKER_00 21:54

Well, you better stay true to the brand and wrap it up, wrap it up and And I will see you later. Thank you for having me.

SPEAKER_01 22:03

Thank you for coming and sharing your thoughts on having thick skin. I hope you come back. Oh, I will. Thank you for listening to the Show Me the Baby podcast, and I hope you join me again for another episode. My book, Show Me the Baby, is available at Amazon.com. To learn more about me and a link to order, visit my website, kristinlee.com. That's K-R-I-S-T-Y-N-L-E-E.com.