Episode 27: If You Hang Out in a Barbershop

In this episode, my youngest daughter and I chat about how spending time in groups can create "group norms" of behavior.  She is candid about her experiences during college and how challenging that was. As a mom, I remember those days well. It was difficult knowing she was being pulled by the forces of evil. I lost a lot of sleep, prayed, and continued to guide her where I could. I thank God every day that my daughters have strong foundations to support them as they face life's challenges. Her openness and vulnerability in this episode speaks to who she is.  

To learn more about me and to purchase my book that shares all of my tips about parenting, wellness, leadership, and life skills, visit www.kristynlee.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:09

Welcome to the Show Me the Baby podcast. This is your host, Kristen Lee. I am here to share and expand on topics outlined in my book, Show Me the Baby. Short and sweet tips on parenting, wellness, organization, leadership, and life skills. Why show me the baby? My lifelong friend and mentor never had the patience for lengthy explanations. His mantra was don't tell me about the birth, show me the baby. What I am sharing are brief, to-the-point lessons that I have learned, advice that I was given, or information gathered from others. I want to share my experiences to assist you in navigating parenting and life. The episodes are based on some of the subjects covered in my book and are unscripted, sometimes going in a direction that wasn't planned, but I think makes them more interesting. My goal is to expand on each theme, keeping in the Show Me the Baby way in 15 minutes or less. For a complete list of all the topics I discussed, you can purchase my book, Show MeTheBaby, at Amazon.com. For more information about me and a link to purchase, go to my website, Kristenlee.com. That's K-R-I-S-T-Y-N-L-E-E.com. I swam over an under. Hello, this is Kristen Lee, and this is the Show Me the Baby podcast. Today, my youngest daughter, Hayden, joins me again to talk about a topic in my book that we I I say this every time. We don't talk about it ahead of time because we feel like, you know, you've read the book and it would ruin it to talk about it ahead of time. So the topic today is this is a show me the baby mentor saying, if you hang out in a barber shop, you're gonna get a haircut, haircut. So I think it's self-explained you know, maybe it's not self-explanatory, but it's basically what he meant was wherever you whoever you surround your friends with, you know, whoever you surround yourself with, if you hang out with them long enough, you're going to probably pick up some of their characteristics. Um partake in the same activity. Partake in the same same activities. One of the, I think one of the um uh examples I give in the book is if you hang out with Harley riders, you know, you're gonna want to buy a Harley. And what's funny about this, um at my store, there were a couple people who actually had motorcycles. Well, uh, you know, we didn't have we didn't have a Harley Davidson motorcycle, but you know, we were all hanging out together and they all wore Harley t-shirts. So I started wearing, do you remember this? I started wearing Harley t-shirts just because I thought they were cute. And then your sister said to me, Do you remember this? I said, Why do you wear these shirts? She said, Why do you wear Harley shirts? You don't even have a Harley. And I th thought about it and I thought, oh, that's true. And not that you can't, not that you not that you can't wear a Harley shirt if you don't have a Harley, but it is kind of stupid. It just made you reflect. Like, why did I never wear a Harley? I never wore a Harley shirt after that. Like it does because you think of of, you know, so so that is the meaning of if you hang out in a barber shop, you'll get a haircut. Because yes. So can you give an example of maybe in your life uh about s you know, friends?

SPEAKER_01 3:50

Well, there's lots of examples, I'm sure we can all to attest to this. Um but I guess specifically in college or, you know, positions where you're you could be around a array of different people. Um it's definitely a true saying. You know, who you surround yourself with is who you're gonna be almost. Um so that was very interesting in college. I think that was one of my growth times. Um Am I gonna be scared when you tell me a story? Oh not scared. Um I I shouldn't say scared, or is it gonna be upsetting? Upset. No, but it's it's true. When you surround yourself with certain people, you'll start doing what they do. And it's scary and it's horrifying because especially if you get around the wrong people who are trying to push you to do certain things, I mean that's a very slippery slope and very scary. Um, and you know, something people always say is surround yourself with people that are better than you. And it's very true because you'll strive to be better. Strive to be better. Um, so that's something as I've gotten older, I've tried to be more aware of is who do I want to be around? Um, are they a good example? Are they someone I would strive to be? Uh, because often as I grew up, I feel like, and I've I love all my friends. I've had lots of different friends. Um, but even in like relationships and relationships that Ava has been in and that you have been in over your lifetime, um, I feel like we're always the people pulling other people up. And I I told Ava one time, I'm like, when is it our turn? Like, when is it our turn for someone else to push us up? Um, and I think about that a lot because it's true. I mean, we shouldn't always have to be the one holding people up. Um, and I think it makes your life a lot better once you surround yourself with like-minded people as well.

SPEAKER_00 5:48

Well, I I will say this, I I I feel like the we lift each other up. Yeah. The three of us that I think, um, but I I it's it's our nature. It is our name, and I think we, and Ave and I have talked about this too, I think we are magnets for people. Yeah. Because we are all of that, I mean, I I'm speaking for all three of us. I think we we have empathy, we have, we feel like we have these, we can sense, like I can, I can sense when something, even somebody I don't know very well, I can usually sense when something's off. Yeah. And often other people don't have don't have that ability. And and but it does, it it often is very one-sided. Isn't it?

SPEAKER_01 6:31

The fellow empaths that will resonate with them, I'm sure.

SPEAKER_00 6:34

Yeah. Yes, true, true. And I think like back to what you were saying about who you surround yourself with, I think especially when you're younger and and in school, and expos you know, you're exp you're exposed to a lot more. Yeah. And then if if that group becomes the group that you're spending a lot of time with, and and you know, let's just use the example drugs, you know, they're doing drugs, and then that becomes a normal, like, because that's your group.

SPEAKER_01 7:06

I was gonna say, and the other thing with that is it was so normalized. Like, so many things were normalized in college where I'm like, this doesn't seem right, but it it wasn't just my friend group, it was every single friend group I was seeing. And I was like, okay, maybe maybe this the way of life is just the normal way of living. Um, but it wasn't. I think it's just being in a college town and everybody sort of feeds off each other. Um yeah, but it's really scary.

SPEAKER_00 7:34

Well, and I think that I, you know, I went to college at the same college you went to. Twins, twins, and Ava too. Ava partially, Ava half and half. Um I I can't say I ever this is I mean, I I've I'm old, obviously I went to school 30 years ago. I mean 30 years before you did, but I never saw a drug. Like and I know and and I know, but I know they were there. Like I know, I know they existed. And I was looking back thinking, okay, was I oblivious? And maybe I was. I mean, I didn't go to a lot of I mean, I was in a relationship back then, so I spent a lot of time not, I mean, I wasn't really running around with friends, I was just in a relationship and and not just, but I worked, I had a job, you know, I was in school, I had a boyfriend, and so I wasn't going to like I wasn't with big groups of friends. Um, but even when I was, because there were certain times I went to parties, I never saw that.

SPEAKER_01 8:37

Yeah. And but also think about drinking. I mean, that's the same thing. Drinking's legal when you're 21. That doesn't mean it's good for you.

SPEAKER_00 8:47

That's very true.

SPEAKER_01 8:48

Yeah. To drink in excess, which are drinking was probably more of a thing than drugs are nowadays.

SPEAKER_00 8:55

It was, it was. And and and probably early on in college, there was yeah, I probably by the time I got at a drinking age, I was kind of over. Yeah, because I just didn't I'm I just get that from you. It just doesn't make me feel I mean, nothing tastes good, and then you just feel like crap the next day. That's what I didn't like. But but um anyway, I think it's it's yes, whatever pods of people, pods of people you you surround yourself with, and then when you're the one that stands out, like I I know as you both were growing up, I I always would talk about I think I use the word exceptional, and I think back, you know, did I put too much pressure on you? Meaning I wanted you and your sister to be the exception. Like if there's bad behavior going around, like be the one that stands out, be the exception. And and if that's not the group you want to be in, but when you yeah, just like what you said, well, when every group you went in, they were all doing that and it made it seem very normal.

SPEAKER_01 9:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:57

And now that you're away from it, does it seem like another planet, like another world when you were in that world?

SPEAKER_01 10:03

Oh, for sure. Yeah. Now I look back and I'm like, how is I mean, I still look at it, I college kids in these certain pods. I'm like, how is this considered normal? Um, and I guess it's just a stage of life that you have to go through and you have to make those decisions, big decisions, and probably the first time you've been faced with them and not living at home, all new people, like those are big steps for a lot of people. Um but yeah, it's it's still so normalized and it's crazy to me. Oh, it's sad to me.

SPEAKER_00 10:32

It makes me sad.

SPEAKER_01 10:34

It is sad, but I mean, maybe it's a a rite of passage for some, you know.

SPEAKER_00 10:39

And and certainly not all college, you know, yes, the the groups that you were exposed to, but it's not, you know, I can think of one horse girl who I I highly doubt. I'm not gonna say her name, but she has red hair. I I highly doubt that she was participating in that.

SPEAKER_01 10:55

No, no. And yeah, there were definitely groups, but it's like as you say, you'll get a haircut. Um yeah, the the certain groups that probably weren't doing, you know, those kinds of things are probably people that I didn't resonate with. Yeah. Which I going back, you know, I wish I I could have, I'd probably make a lot more genuine friendships out of it. But it just happened to be the group that you were connected you felt connected to at that time. At that time, yeah. And especially when you're in college. I mean, you feel alone, and I sort of um really held on to all of those relationships because, you know, I was away from home. I sort of felt like I mean, five minutes away.

SPEAKER_00 11:32

Um, but but you were living like you were living on but you were living on your own. Yeah. And you weren't, you know, you weren't living at home and and you didn't have, you know, there were no there were no boundaries and there were no rules. You were able to make your own decisions, and that is part of it, and and figuring out what kind of group you wanted to be in, you know. And and yeah, I'm sure in in some part, if if you were in situations where that was going on, I mean you probably at some point thought, what am I, what is, you know, yeah, how is this, how is this, is this what I want? Is these these the people I want to be around? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 12:05

Well, and I think going off of that too, um, sort of a different topic, but you also you resonate with people who have similar interests as you. And when you have someone that has very similar interests, but they also get in a situation where they're doing things they shouldn't, like that can be even harder because you already have this basis of a foundation and relationship with someone. And then they go off of the rails a little bit, and then there you are. Yeah, and then there you are. But yeah, I I think it's definitely a learning curve. And I think as I've gotten older, obviously I always remember um your mentors saying because he was your self-imposed uncle.

SPEAKER_00 12:46

Yes, he was. He was. I mean, you were very I mean, we were j you know, he just thought the world of you and Ava, and he was just there all along the way, you know. With different, you know, different in his life, he always had not always, I shouldn't say that. There were different women, you know, he had you know, he was married, I think, first when Ava was born, and then he wasn't, and then the last person he was engaged to, but um, you know, he was always there in different capacities, and you spent a lot of time with him. Um but yeah, I think I think he he definitely watched out for you and he would say these little things to you.

SPEAKER_01 13:22

Yeah, like and I and I think too, if I would have had him around during my late high school years in college, like I it would have been very would have been very different, yeah. It would have been very different. Because he was definitely a very strong, like fatherish figure to us, and you know, I I believed in everything he said and I trusted him. So yeah, I think probably things would have been different, but that's life.

SPEAKER_00 13:47

Yeah, and I think that I and I've thought that a lot too, because even though as a strong mom and parent, I it just would have come differently because your your your tr your your respect of him as uncle, you know, self-imposed uncle was different than me, you know, than me, you know, because I was the close one. And so I mean, if he knew something was gonna, if he thought you you were up to no good, he would have showed up at your apartment. Yeah. And he would have and he would have he would have yanked you out and and had a firm talking. He would have. And you would have loved him no matter what. You would have. You would have been horrified because and also because you really respect, you know, you respected him. Um, so it very true. I've thought about that a lot. Like had had he had he still been here, yeah, you know, it things would have been a little different. But maybe that's the path. That's the path that was supposed to happen, I guess. That's all we can you know.

SPEAKER_01 14:47

There's a reason for everything.

SPEAKER_00 14:49

There is, and we can't control it.

SPEAKER_01 14:51

Might not be good, but you know, there is a reason. At least I like to think that. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:56

Because I was thinking back and I can't remember why I did this, but something you did in college, I don't know. I took your car. Yeah, that was horrible. That was horrible. Well, you were a little stinker, and so she had a car at school. It's the same car you have now, isn't it? Had to be. That's the only car you've had. So she had the car, and I cannot remember what it was, but I came in, I had oh, I have a spare key, that's how. And I took everything. Did I leave take everything out? I think I took everything out and I put it in a trash bag. I can't remember. I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 15:32

I just know I didn't have a car for like my whole first year of college.

SPEAKER_00 15:35

It wasn't your whole first year.

SPEAKER_01 15:38

It was a month, it was a month. It was definitely not a month, but we can say it was a month. Okay, well, because I was working. That's how I remember. I had to be home to work every day.

SPEAKER_00 15:48

Yeah, well, that's how you that's how the cookie crumbles, I suppose. She was, I d I can't I can't even remember what it was about, but it I was angry enough and upset enough that I thought, you know, I provided that car for you and I can take it away. And you're in a college town, and most things you can walk to, you know, you can walk, you know. You but did you have to be driven to work? Yeah, because that's when I was still working at a rescue. Oh, that's right, at the worst rescue. Anyway, well, you figured it out, and and I think that makes you resilient. And I think it was, yeah, I cannot remember what you did, but I you pushed me over the edge because you were in college, but I think you were still it doesn't matter, you were probably a freshman, freshman or sophomore. But but anyway, I think that um back to you know, hanging out in a barber shop and getting a haircut. I think what you're saying is, yes, so they're lessons, they're lessons. And if you kind of keep that what you said in your mind of surrounding yourself with people who you know you aspire to rather than the other way around. Yeah, you know, and if yeah, if you look around the room and you're standing out, like maybe that's not the crowd you should be in. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 16:59

You know? Yeah, I agree. You know, and I think always having that in the back of my head too, like I probably wouldn't have come out of the situation situations that I had been in in college that obviously looking back probably were not like the most healthy for me. Um, but I always had that in my mind. Like I was aware of it. Um, and it was just getting past that. But if I did not have that strong foundation, like I really probably could have been in some trouble and never gotten out of it.

SPEAKER_00 17:31

So that's concerning.

SPEAKER_01 17:33

Well, no, because you had taught me well.

SPEAKER_00 17:35

Well, I I have to say I have I had some intuition about you know the you could just tell that you were in a place that was not good. I knew that. I knew that, and I could tell every time I could feel it from you. And we went, we kind of had your sister and I had a little bit of an intervention with you. Do you remember? Oh, I'm sure. Yeah, we went to Florida to go to the horse place. Oh, yes, yes. Yeah, because I feel like things were um they just weren't again, I didn't know the details of what was going on, but I just felt that you were going going down a path that was not healthy. And um, anyway, so it the the going to the horse, um, it was horse training. I mean, it w we didn't take horses, but it was just a good interruption, and I and I thought a break to spend time with your sister and me, but also to pull you out. Because I some sometimes think when you are in whatever situation it was. I couldn't see from the outside. No, you get in this bubble, and then you think, okay, this is this bubble that I'm in is normal because you're in the bubble of the barber shop, you know, and you're getting ready to get a haircut, and you everybody else is getting haircuts, you think, Well, my hair's long, it's time for me to get it cut, you know, even though you never want your hair cut, you know. You've got really long hair. But but I think when you break the bubble and you can get out and get some perspective, and then even and I I you know I do believe it did help because I think then you went back and had a little more perspective of it.

SPEAKER_01 19:09

Oh, it definitely did. I mean, I remember that trip, and I can't remember specifically, but I'm pretty sure that trip is exactly what you what you said. It helped me break out of the bubble and see like this isn't what I want. Then I'm not even enjoying any of this. Like, screw the college lifestyle. Like, I'm I'm just ready to move on with my life and you know, and not be around probably people who weren't ready to move on and were still stuck in high school, honestly.

SPEAKER_00 19:38

Yeah, yeah. But I think it's it's growing learning and having having that hopefully a foundation that you can be resilient and when because bad things are gonna happen and and you know, there are gonna be people that you get exposed to that um aren't the best people for you know you to be around.

SPEAKER_01 19:57

So yeah, but I am very thankful for well, I'm not very thankful, but I'm thankful for those experiences, um, so that I can look back and you know, know that I've grown from them um and had those experiences of harder times. Um, but yeah, definitely don't hang out in the barber shop too long unless you're really wanting to get a haircut. And I think we'll leave it at that. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 20:23

Yeah. Well, I'm very proud of you. I'm proud of the woman you are. Thank you. And I know that um, you know, I know that you have some remorse, I think. I can hear it in your voice about some of the things, and again, I don't know what they all are because we've never talked about it, which is okay. You know, you can talk to me about things, but certain things I think I don't know that maybe that sounds bad, but I think some things you wouldn't want me to know, I'm guessing. Yeah, probably not. Because I think that's also I don't know, I digress. I digress. We'll just leave it at that, and I'm I'm I'm proud of you, and I'm happy that um we can have these conversations. And my biggest goal in all of this, I think I know it's to help other people because I feel like when I was raising you and you know, I was managing you know working, running my store, I felt very alone in the sense of I I didn't have help. Like, and just like you said, where do you go? But I hope the podcast and the book, you know, if there's if there's anything that the book or the these podcasts bring to help other people, that is my goal because I didn't have that. And I thought I'm gonna put it, you know, all of this in a book and talk about it because and I know times change, but you know, a lot of this these things are will carry through. I mean, they're they're there are topics that um whether it's you know, whether some of these things were, you know, several years ago or you know, they still I think are are um timely in terms of you can find always relevant. Relevant. Thank you. Relevant, relevant. Well, thank you for joining me again. I hope you come back for another episode of Show Me the.

unknown 22:00

Baby.

SPEAKER_00 22:00

Thank you. Thank you for listening to the Show Me the Baby podcast, and I hope you join me again for another episode. My book, Show Me the Baby, is available at Amazon.com. To learn more about me and a link to order, visit my website, kristenlee.com. That's K-R-I-S-T-Y-N-L-E-E.com.