Episode 28:Tennis Match

As I raised my daughters, I used the phrase "tennis match" to refer to communication.  My dear friend Valerie joins me in this episode to talk about how a tennis match should work and our personal experiences.  Valerie and I have a long history together and we are very similar in our thoughts about many topics, including this one.

To learn more about me and to purchase my book that shares all of my tips about parenting, wellness, leadership, and life skills, visit www.kristynlee.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:09

Welcome to the Show Me the Baby podcast. This is your host, Kristen Lee. I am here to share and expand on topics outlined in my book, Show Me the Baby. Short and sweet tips on parenting, wellness, organization, leadership, and life skills. Why Show Me the Baby? My lifelong friend and mentor never had the patience for lengthy explanations. His mantra was Don't tell me about the birth, show me the baby. What I am sharing are brief to-the-point lessons that I have learned, advice that I was given, or information gathered from others. I want to share my experiences to assist you in navigating parenting and life. The episodes are based on some of the subjects covered in my book and are unscripted, sometimes going in a direction that wasn't planned, but I think makes them more interesting. My goal is to expand on each theme, keeping in the Show Me the Baby way in 15 minutes or less. For a complete list of all the topics I discussed, you can purchase my book, ShowMeTheBaby, at Amazon.com. For more information about me and a link to purchase, go to my website, kristenlee.com. That's K-R-I-S-T-Y-N-L-E-E.com. Hello, this is Kristen Lee, and this is the Show Me the Baby Podcast. Today, my friend Valerie joins me again. It's been a little bit since you've been here, and I'm very happy to have you back. I'm glad to be here. We have chosen a topic, obviously in the book, one that Valer and I have talked about pretty regularly. I don't want to say regularly, but periodically throughout our friendship and child rearing. And the chapter is called Tennis Match. So you and I have talked about this a lot. So we have. So as um you have, well, you have a son who now is an adult. Do we call them young adults? Are they really full-blown adults?

SPEAKER_01 2:28

I think mine would be a young adult. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 2:31

Well, and I feel like that. And my girls who are in their 20s may not say, but I don't, you know, I know they say what is adult and 18, but that's not, I mean, to me, they've got so much growing to do until the frontal lobe closes, they're young adults, and that's 25, 26-ish. Oh, yes. And maybe pushing into it.

SPEAKER_01 2:50

Maybe pushing into it. And I think sometimes, and I know I shouldn't say this, but I think sometimes with boys it can even be a little bit later.

SPEAKER_00 2:58

Oh, of course. Yeah. Of course. And and each child, each person develops differently. And yes.

SPEAKER_01 3:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 3:06

Um, so in the topic of tennis match, what that means, and I will, you know, I'll say what I well I wrote in the book. Um, as the girls were growing up, I really it was really important to me for them to not do all the talking, but do listening and talking and listening and talking and listening. And how that I described it to them as a tennis match, although neither of my girls played tennis. They understood it, but that you know, it's a volley back and forth, and sometimes the volley is longer, sometimes it may be fast, depending on the situation. So that's how I described it, which they understood it. Um, and I think it really helped shape them growing up. So I'm guessing you taught your son similar, maybe not. I did maybe not called it a tennis match.

SPEAKER_01 4:06

I didn't call it a tennis match, but the concept was exactly the same. Um my advice to him was always that people feel good when you ask them questions and ask them about themselves. And it's interesting to learn about people as well, and that you can learn you have things in common that you didn't know before if you ask questions or you share something and then ask them how do you feel about that, or do you have you ever, you know, had a similar situation? And and it just needs to be a back and forth, but it can't be either that you monopol monopolize the conversation, nor should it be that you're not willing to reciprocate with answering questions thin they may have, because it can go both ways.

SPEAKER_00 4:54

True.

SPEAKER_01 4:54

So um I just always tried to instill in him the importance of you know, you learn so much about people if you ask questions and really listen and then are able to share back what that means to you or how it might be similar to something about you, or maybe something that you want to know more about that they've shared that you know could be something you you would then learn from the conversation.

SPEAKER_00 5:24

And two, and I'm listening, and as you're talking, I'm shaking my head. I know this is a podcast and you can't see, I'm shaking my head all the time. Yes, yes, yes. Um, but that that can open to, as they get older, open doors. It's you know, the networking that happens with that of asking questions, listening, asking follow-up questions, and sharing, I mean, I feel like both at some point, each of my girls probably got opportunities because they were participating in communication in the in the tennis match way.

SPEAKER_01 6:02

Absolutely. I think it makes you comfortable with yourself and with other people. And then if you're in a job interview situation or just in a situation where you're talking with someone who's either older than you or more experienced than you, you're still capable of having a legitimate conversation, if it even if you're not an expert on the subject matter quite yet. So yeah, I think it, I think it definitely helps with with maturity.

SPEAKER_00 6:30

And for you, for your son, do you think, because I I think about this often just personally, um, is he a better talker or a better listener?

SPEAKER_01 6:41

I think it depends on the subject. Um he definitely likes to share his thoughts.

SPEAKER_00 6:48

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 6:49

But I do feel like um he's willing to listen to other people too, and and is a pretty decent question asker. Um, I think we all can work on that. And I think that, you know, what all of us fall victim to, and I know he does at times, is not yielding the floor when you're talking about something that really excites you.

SPEAKER_00 7:10

I was gonna say the I was gonna say the same thing. I was gonna say passionate. I feel like when I am passionate about something, I may go on a little too long.

SPEAKER_01 7:21

And we all, you know, we all do that. But then again, that's part of it as well, is being able to feel like you can share your passion about something with someone and hope that they're showing the same courtesy to you that you should be showing to them. You know, I I that's so many things um with my son over time. I I remember just saying, you know, it it it's really a two-way street, and it just always goes back to the golden rule that you know we have to treat other people the way we would like to be treated. And the same would be even if they're talking about a topic that bores us to tears because you know, we have all had that happen. Um it's if it's interesting and exciting to them, you can show them that courtesy to listen carefully and thoughtfully.

SPEAKER_00 8:12

Yeah, and and and I think too, I say to myself and again to my kids, slow down, like slow down. I I and it's the multitasking of being on, you know, our mind multitasking and the devices that clearly contribute to that multitasking, but that then I think in those communication in communication in general, face to face or on the phone, you're distracted. And then if the you can't ask good questions if you're not actively listening without the distractions. Yes. Because you're not getting the content enough to be able to ask a good question. Right. And and and I feel, yes, it's well, communication in general is a challenge on many levels. But that I think that's in in this day and age, that's a big one. And I was thinking even um I was doing chores, horse chores. Um it was this morning. I was gonna say, was it last night or this morning? It was this morning, and I really wanted to leave my phone in the car, but then I had this, well, you know, where do you go with that? Well, what if, what if this happens? What if this happens? Um, I don't know what and I then I thought, well, I I used to not have a phone, but now that we have a fat we have phones, it's hard to disengage for many of us. I mean, I'm sure some people, I mean, and and I can disengage from my phone. And sometimes when I don't know if I'm this is a digression, but if I'm working on a project and I put my phone somewhere and then an hour goes by and I'm almost have a panic, I'm like, I haven't looked at my phone for an hour, and where is my phone? But it's you just realize how connected we are. We really are, and just how that creates that distraction, I feel like, and and um to whatever it is, but certainly in in listening and having an active conversation, a healthy, a healthy conversation that um and to um I think teaching, and I I and I think you alluded to this earlier, maybe you said it, that there will be times that it isn't a tennis match. And sometimes that's okay too, because for instance, let's say you have, you know, one one of I'm just gonna use the girl's examples, but you know, if I know recently there was an issue with um one of my daughter's friends, you know, had a had a relationship challenge. And so she was talking about, she was very upset and talking about, you know, what had happened in the relationship. So that required a lot more listening, and certainly there could be questions, but sometimes in those moments that person just needs to and let it out and cry and talk a lot, and so that kind of communication is a little different.

SPEAKER_01 11:10

It is, it is, and and sometimes we don't have something to relate, and you don't have to dig deep to try to find a similarity if you really don't have one. Let them have that time to need to, you know, to get it out, to get the emotion out. And you know, something else is over the course of a long relationship with a friend or a partner or whatever the case may be, the tennis match may not be within three-minute increments. It may be over a three-week increment. And one day one friend needs all the time, and two days later, you need the time. And you know, it's not necessarily the ping-pong back and forth, very but but can be lengthier. I think something that I I also often shared with my son was um my husband's uncle, who we adored, and was a very learned man and very successful businessman, was the most inquisitive person I have ever met. Like when you were with him, he wanted to ask questions about everything to the point where sometimes I think, why does he care about this? But it was that he was just so naturally curious and wanted to understand you and what you did and what you thought. And I learned over the years with him that it then made me feel good about myself that he wanted to know those things. But I also learned that he picked up all that knowledge that made, you know, it fulfilled him too, and it made him be able to better communicate with other people about other things. And it it was just really, I I tried to share with my son that I think some of the most intelligent people are ones who are so naturally curious about the world and about other people. I think you are right, and um you know he just really embodied that.

SPEAKER_00 13:07

And this is I don't know if we've ever talked about this, but my uncle was the same way. I don't think we've ever we haven't. So it was was it your husband's uncle? Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 13:17

Okay, yeah, his dad's brother.

SPEAKER_00 13:19

Okay, so this would, and my my uncle um is also no longer. I'm guessing he's passed away. He has. My uncle passed away a few years ago, but very similar that he just gave you when you were with him, he gave you his undivided attention. That's just how this gentleman was, exactly the same. And and he in he's he was a very brilliant man, um and engine, you know, an engineer type. And I feel like I've said this, you know, maybe on another podcast, an engineer's brain, I think, just work. I mean, all of our brains work differently, but an engineer just thinks on this level. Yes. And I just thought when he was, I'm like, he's got this, and I mean, it's just like breaking things down and like figuring out how things work, and that's how he was with relationships. Um, and then he would remember and he would follow up and ask questions. I mean, five years would go by.

SPEAKER_01 14:13

It was just um, yes, and just truly, you know, you put it so well that he gave you undivided attention, and it just made you feel so good about what you were sharing and so important, and he'd ask follow-up questions. And I just think there's some people who really have that gift. And um I just tried to always explain that relationship to Connor in terms of you can, you know, there's there's nothing that makes someone feel treasured and valued more than you showing a sincere interest in them, and giving them your your time and your attention.

SPEAKER_00 14:51

And it's um, and I and I already I did this podcast uh I don't know how many times ago, but I mean how many podcast episodes ago, but it was compliments are free. And listening and being an active listener and a participant, that's also that's a compliment. That's a free compliment. It is. And um, and so and sometimes like very you know, that you said, I think in relationships it's got it also, especially a relationship that's a formed relationship, not somebody you've just met and not small talk. So maybe it's more the beginning of small talk sometimes, I think would be more of that volley. Yes, and as you build a relationship, then it becomes more of the ebb and flow and and how it should work in terms of not should work, but hopefully in a good relationship, friendship, partnership, whatever that it's um, yeah, it may be one one way one day and another way another day. And that's okay. Yes, and that's okay. I mean, I know my husband does a lot of listening to me, and I sit there and think, huh, this is not really a test match going on. And then I'll say, Okay, I'm gonna be quiet now, and he'll he'll say, Well, I like your my stories. He said, I like your stories, and I said, Well, I don't want to dominate. And then there's also situations where I feel like if you have someone you're talking with who, I mean, maybe is an introvert, you may have to be, and I'm probably introvert. I'm I'm I'm I'm introverted probably in a big crowd, but I'm probably extroverted when I'm with you, when I'm with people, you know, in my inner circle that I can be very open with. Um so yes, I'm definitely with him, with you. I'll go on, as you well know, with my stories and my links to how this works and that works and how these people are connected. And then I, but I also think, okay, after the excitement, I don't want to dominate the conversation. And and again, if you're with somebody who is even good, a good friend who's an introvert and not as talking, you you know, you can be quiet, you can sit there and be quiet. But sometimes it may take the other person kind of carrying the conversation too.

SPEAKER_01 17:11

Yeah, that's true. But you know, you mentioned being sitting there and being quiet. That also is a sign of respect, too. If someone does just want to sit and be quiet, there's that's okay. We're all so anxious to fill the silence. And sometimes it doesn't need to be filled. No, it can be nice to be comfortable being silent together.

SPEAKER_00 17:31

Just riding in a car, going on a trip.

SPEAKER_01 17:33

Yes, everybody.

SPEAKER_00 17:35

We're talking from experience when we are. When we are when we take our road trips, and we don't have to no, and I feel like when we all get together when we're going on a trip, the the beginning maybe we're chatting, chatting, and then after, you know, maybe an hour or so, there's quiet and we're just listening to music and it's a nice to feel comfortable in that way that you don't have to be talking all the time.

SPEAKER_01 17:57

But you you mentioned your husband, and you know, but it's that way with mine, and I'm more of the chatter box. He's a person of few words. So I do know that when he is ready to talk about something, I should give him my attention because it's just not that regular that he really has something he wants to talk about in the moment in in detail, other than just you know, little day-to-day things to live your life. So you have to once you know someone, you know their communication style and rhythms too.

SPEAKER_00 18:32

And and so the tennis match changes. Yes, it does. It may not go into I started to say extra innings.

SPEAKER_01 18:40

I don't what are they called in tennis?

SPEAKER_00 18:43

I don't know. I should very I know I should know. I watched, I mean, I'm I've never played well, I've kind of pretended to play tennis just for fun, but I should their matches, sets, match it doesn't matter, but yes, there would be maybe it's a tie break. Maybe I don't know, but anyway, yeah, it's not extra innings.

unknown 19:04

I do know that.

SPEAKER_00 19:06

I do know that, but um, yeah, I I again I just think it's a good lesson to share or to, you know, as you raise your children to help them and help them understand people's other people's communication styles and to give grace, uh you know, to give grace when grace is needed, and and I feel like lots of grace is needed, you know. I think people just need to, and my daughters, as I've taught them the tennis match, sometimes they'll they'll they'll they will notice, you know, that person isn't playing tennis when they were younger. And I said, well, some people just were never taught how to play tennis, and that's okay too, but but but just give someone grace, and also if it's a a a close relationship, whether again friendship or romantic relationship, if you realize is that that relationship is not ebb and flow, you need to consider that as you move forward. That is so true. Well, the show me the baby time is almost up, and I feel like if we go anymore, I'll get on another topic. And then it'll be another way over, which I've been doing. I'm trying to reel myself in. Anyway, thank you for joining me for another episode of Show Me the Baby.

SPEAKER_01 20:30

Thank you, Kristen.

SPEAKER_00 20:32

Come back. Thank you for listening to the Show Me the Baby podcast, and I hope you join me again for another episode. My book, Show Me the Baby, is available at Amazon.com. To learn more about me and a link to order, visit my website, Kristen Lee.com. That's K-R-I-S-T-Y-N-L-E-E.com.