Episode 30: It's Not About You

I use the word "often" a lot in this episode about "it's not about you,"  because most often, it is not.  My longtime friend, Valerie, joins me to talk about scenarios we have both encountered in our professional lives when communicating with others.  A look, a noise or other nonverbal que from another person can be taken personally when the reaction might have nothing to do with what you are saying or doing.  Having the ability to step outside of the situation takes practice and patience.

To learn more about me and to purchase my book that shares all of my tips about parenting, wellness, leadership, and life skills, visit www.kristynlee.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:09

Welcome to the Show Me the Baby podcast. This is your host, Kristen Lee. I am here to share and expand on topics outlined in my book, Show Me the Baby. Short and sweet tips on parenting, wellness, organization, leadership, and life skills. Why show me the baby? My lifelong friend and mentor never had the patience for lengthy explanations. His mantra was Don't tell me about the birth, show me the baby. What I am sharing are brief to-the-point lessons that I have learned, advice that I was given, or information gathered from others. I want to share my experiences to assist you in navigating parenting and life. The episodes are based on some of the subjects covered in my book and are unscripted, sometimes going in a direction that wasn't planned, but I think makes them more interesting. My goal is to expand on each theme, keeping in the Show Me the Baby way in 15 minutes or less. For a complete list of all the topics I discuss, you can purchase my book Show MeTheBaby at Amazon.com. For more information about me and a link to purchase, go to my website, Kristenlee.com. That's K-R-I-S-T-Y-N-L-E-E.com. Hello, this is Kristen Lee, and this is the Show Me the Baby podcast. Today, my friend Valerie joins me for another episode. Welcome back again. Thank you. Nice to be here. Yeah, I love that you come. Um and Valerie's done a few episodes, I think, at this point, but um I like, well, I enjoy having you as a guest, let's just say that. And obviously I've talked about this before. We have been friends a long time, so we have um a very good ebb and flow to our conversations, and and hopefully these conversations will be helpful to other people, or we'll just have fun. Fun is always good. Fun is always good. Um, the topic for today's podcast is it's not about you. That was the uh chapter in one of one of the chapters in my book, and it's not about you really relates. I mean, it can relate in a lot of ways, but as I wrote it, it's that often, whatever situation we may be in, meaning supervisory role, as a you know, as an employee, as a family member, often, and I can say often, I will use the word often, there can be communications, you know, where one person is kind of re I'll use the word reactive, and whatever that reaction is in a conversation, it could it could be hurtful. I'll just say that, because I feel like I will say I'm probably more intuitive and sensitive when it comes to I take things personally. Um, I used to take things a lot more personally than I do now, but I've realized as I've gotten older, often it's not about me.

SPEAKER_01 3:28

Yes, for sure. And I I definitely have felt the same as you. And there's still days that I take things personally when they probably weren't intended that way toward me at all. But as a person who manages others who supervise people, I try to to make sure that everyone comes at it from that frame of mind that you're you're filtering every reaction through your own your own viewpoint. You're bringing your own baggage to the table, but so is the other person. And a particular grimace someone might have on their face, or a silence, or even a reaction that in the moment seems like it's negative or snippy, may not really have anything to do with what's going on in that moment. They could have had something rotten happen at home that sm that morning before they got to work, and it's it's still they may be in a feud with yes, and they may be in a fight feud with somebody else at hand.

SPEAKER_00 4:37

Exactly. Nothing to do with the the the discussion at hand or the topic at hand, but they've got that in in their mind. Yeah, for sure. And it's I call it stewing. I've used the word stewing on the podcast before, but it is kind of when when I feel and I've again I've I think I've gotten better at it, but I've worked at it. Like if something hurts my feelings, I'll stew. I think about it and I worry about it. And then whoever the next person is, and not that I don't think I I don't think I would be mean to the next person that I was, but I would definitely be distracted and not probably not as engaged in the conversation or you know, nonverbal. My older daughter has I've said to her, you're non-verbal, you don't have to say anything, your nonverbal says it all, and sometimes it's really not good. I mean, and so and she's she I think is working on that just because so much can be displayed in our faces and in our manner and the way we hold our body. But again, it's it's really we all bring stuff, we all bring stuff.

SPEAKER_01 5:46

We do, and often it has nothing to do with what's going on. Something I've really noticed in the last few years at work as so many meetings have migrated to be Teams meetings, where you're instead of in a room with people, you might all be on a camera, on a shared screen, and you can be so focused on people's faces and reactions where when you're at a big conference table, it it just isn't the same. No, and so you can exaggerate in your mind the way someone is reacting to something, and it may be that they on their other screen write an email that upset them, and you're and it's nothing to do with what you're saying, but it's just you know, as humans, we want to most of us want to feel like what we say is pleasing to others, and you don't want to upset people, and but certainly I've left a conversation and played over it in my mind and over it in my mind, worrying that I said something wrong or could have said it better because of a reaction that I sensed was something that was about right probably wasn't even anything to do with what you and and also in the meetings that are online, people could be looking at their phones.

SPEAKER_00 7:08

Yes. I mean, you don't know what people are doing, and people are doing that in a big meeting in person, I'm sure, but at least you can see, or you're at a place where there's some distance, yes, where you don't have that person blown up on the, you know, their face, you know, really, and most of the time it's their face in a little box, right? So you've got a pretty up close view or fairly close of what the person's reaction is. I remember years ago um when I had um a bigger store with uh a bigger, you know, a staff, a bigger staff. Um a customer was in the store and they were working on a project, and she came to pick up the project. And one of my staff was sitting with her and she kind of I I don't know how you say it, went off the rails. Like not very often did I have I mean, upset customers. And I'm I mean, in the 30 plus years I've been doing this, I could probably think of the the uh the really upset customers is probably under the under the number, I'll go 10. I mean, just that I can just it just didn't happen. And the goal was you don't want anybody upset. But she and I could I was I always wanted my staff to be able to handle things. I didn't want them to have to come to me for everything. I wanted them to be independent, I wanted them to have enough information to handle the problem themselves and enough training to do that. But in this situation, I was standing back just kind of watching how things were playing because I don't again, I didn't want to go over and like quote save the day or supersede that person because I think that would undermine my staff member. But but this customer was really upset and and there was no calming her down. And I I and the and my staff member knew that I was in the wings, and so she finally looked over at me like, help, help me. So I went over and I sat down because they were sitting, so I sat, you know, I think I even sat on the same side as as the customer because I felt like I didn't want to be oppositional, but I just thought, okay, I need to be listening. I mean, I need to listen to what's going on. So anyway, it transpires. She explained to me, you know, why she was upset. And it was very um, I don't know what, it was a very like really picky thing, and it was something that couldn't be changed. And I was trying, I thought, okay, am I gonna explain to her? But I think my staff person already said, well, here's why this won't work. And then I said to her, You seem, I I use the word like, have you had a have you had a tough day? Like, have you had a hard day? I just asked her kind of this open, it was more open-ended than that. And as soon as I asked her the question, she started crying. Started crying, and she said, I'm getting married, and it's just been awful, and everybody's fighting, and and I'm just trying to be the go-between, and I'm the bride, and it's you know, and this should be a wonderful time for me. And so she and she went on to explain, and I just let her talk. And she talked and she cried, and we got her something to drink, and then by the end of it, she said, Oh, this is just fine. I'm sorry. She said, I just came in here really upset, and I think I needed to be mad at something that I could be mad at because I couldn't be mad at my family in front of them. Yeah, but I could be mad at you. That's a prime example of this, very much. And she left and she took what she, you know, had had had it was like a custom ordered thing, and she took it and she was fine. And she even apologized, she apologized. But it was just that clearly she walked in my store with all this stuff from the day, yes, and she had held it together for who knows how long, and it was my store and sitting there and finding one little thing she didn't like, and and that was like, I'm gonna be mad about this. So, anyway.

SPEAKER_01 11:20

Oh, and that definitely happens when you're in any type of customer service. You know, if you'll listen, usually people can make it to the end and then let down the anger, and then sometimes that's when the truth will come out.

SPEAKER_00 11:37

And I'm sure in your career, your job, you are also dealing with that probably a lot. By the time they by the time they get to you, they're probably really have stewed a very long time. They have.

SPEAKER_01 11:50

Yes, they have. But at the end of the day, we all want somebody to listen. And many times, as I've reached, you know, ended up in conversations that escalated to me, there was something, just as you explained in your circumstance, there's something so different going on, but it has culminated into that moment. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 12:15

Into the anger about they're gonna make it angry about whatever you're you know, whatever's happening in your office or whatever was happening in my store. It it ended hopefully, you know, with us as the final place where they decided this is where they're gonna dump it, you know.

SPEAKER_01 12:31

Yeah. Or just blow up. Or just blow up. And and in those moments, you definitely need to think this is not about me. Their anger is not toward me, this is not personal, it's the circumstance. And um be strong enough to to shoulder that and let the let the wave ride and then you can make it to the other end. But if you don't listen and and if you fail to keep from internalizing it, it just never ends well.

SPEAKER_00 13:06

No. And I think um it was probably Oprah that said in I watched a lot of Oprah growing up. Um, that was my after school, I think it was on four at four o'clock, but um I just watched a lot of Oprah. And and as her shows progressed, the topics I think were more connected to me. I didn't like much of the there were some I didn't like, but but just the the human, the human interaction. But she said, you need to let things flow through you. And just let things flow through. And flowing through means yes, they have, they will affect you, because if you have if you, you know, if you have some you know sensitive or caring, it's gonna affect you a little bit, but letting it flow through you and let it out. Like don't harbor it, don't hold it, because then that creates anger for you. And I know, I mean, and it's hard, I think it's hard. I when when you go to work and you have a trying day, and then I think this too, and well, my career is mostly really fun. So I will let's say it's not that yours isn't fun, but you've got a much more stressful career than I do. But but when probably when things when I had my again bigger store with a full staff, there was a lot more going on, and I feel like I would go home and I was bringing it with me, and it I wasn't letting it flow through me. And so one of the things, and the other things I um I would say at my to my staff of when they came to work, I would say, I want everyone to consciously, when you park your car, you leave all the problems that you can't worry with and you can't fix or change, take leave them in your car and shut the door, lock the door, and they'll be there when you get off from work. Yes. And then you can come and focus and find we have, you know, we had so much fun at the store that that um and then you can be your best self while you're here and not harbor that, not bring that. Not and again, a lot of it isn't probably stuff they were bringing that really wasn't about them, but they couldn't let go. Right. And then they bring that they were bringing often to work, and and and it kind of, I don't know if if and then I think this is natural, like it would rotate. Like one day it was one person, one day it was the other. Yes. One day it was probably me. I mean, I'm sure, I'm sure I brought, you know, and I and then then when I learned when I realized that I thought, you know, I whatever I brought brought, um, and probably a lot of it was when I was going through um um I got divorced and from the girl's dad. And that was a really difficult time. And it was in those moments that I thought, okay, I would often drive to work and be crying. And I'd park the car and I'm like, okay, like I don't, I can, I can leave this here. I'm gonna leave this here and it'll be back, it'll be there waiting for me when I get when I'm done with work.

SPEAKER_01 16:04

Yes. But, you know, it's good to if it's good if you can separate it in that way. And you know, I think, oh, I I know I've seen like little videos or things about, you know, when you share a smile, then the next person shares that smile with the next person. Sounds like something Dolly Parton probably talks about. And, you know, the same's true with anger or with negativity, you know, that can that can migrate through a group as well.

SPEAKER_00 16:34

So um one of a consultants I've had have had would say, um, well, and I'm sure it's it's not like specific to him, but just I remember him saying it to me that, you know, a bad apple, you know, one bad apple can really affect all the rest of the apples in the bin. And if you don't, you know, clean up, you know, get the bad apple, not necessarily, you know, just get rid of it, and I don't mean like get rid of a person, but work on fixing the bad apple or preparing. I know it's not the right good analogy, but that that how how it can infect and be set the tone. Um, when show my show me the baby mentor used to um be at work and I would call, I would call often in the mornings when the girls were little. Well, I have a schedule where I did not have, I wasn't there a couple, you know, I was with them in the mornings when they were not in school, and I would take them to my mom's um in the afternoons. But I would call on my way to work and I would say, What's the weather? And that's code for, you know, how is everybody? And he would say, Well, it's a sunny day here at blah blah blah store, and or it's partly cloudy, and some days it was a rainstorm. And and that helped me almost on the drive, which not one very far, 15 minutes, but just the drive from you know, dropping my girls off into the store, preparing myself for okay, this is the this is the weather in there today, because I always wanted the weather to be bright and sunny. Yes, as well as you would too. But it's not always bright and sunny. And how could I and it and I felt I owed it to customers coming in my store that it was always bright and sunny in there. Like they shouldn't walk into a cloudy day. They shouldn't have to come in and think it's not about me. Yes, very true, right? That and that it's not and and very, yeah, so yeah, partly cloudy. I like that. Yeah, we what's the weather? What's the weather? So that was one of our kind of inside jokes um that we had about about that. But but again, I think back to children and teaching them, it definitely teaches resilience too. That you can't let little things affect you, yes, and bring you down. And because some of that can make you certainly feel, I would say, defeated in some way.

SPEAKER_01 19:08

And and you know, we're talking more about negativity, but it can also when with kids, it can even be like the kid who's not kind to you. You know, it may not be anything personal, they may have something really bad going on, and and uh it's hard for children to get past that, but it can teach a child that they don't want to be that way towards someone else.

SPEAKER_00 19:36

Yeah. And I think certainly, you know, I know both I mean, both of us have had to deal with um others who have bullied our kids. Um and and it's so hard when they're young to explain that that that chances are pretty good that that the one that's the one who is bullying is probably being bullied or abused or you know, yeah, that they're so tough, it's not about me situation. It's very much so. And it and it's hard in those moments for a young person to give grace, and certainly there's a line I would say. I mean, I'm not saying bullying is okay, but to try to understand it and not to be hurt, yes, you know, to be internally hurt to affect because it affects so many, so many, well, so many children and adults, and but trying to understand it, but then again, this is that's we would digress to go into the whole bullying thing, but you know, how to how to combat that is that's a whole nother thing, but just how to deal with it from an internal level of how not to let it change you. Right. Because it certainly I remember somebody said something of mean to me. It was like in the fifth grade, and I'll never forget it. And it wasn't, and was it horrible bullying? No, but she was making fun of me, making fun of my hair. Um she a oh, and she said, You wear the same jeans every day. And I said, Well, I wash them. Well, I only had one pair of jeans when I was little. And I think I mean it which is fine. Which is fine. And I think I just thought, and and I'm sure part of it was my mom wanted me to dress a different way, but I wanted to wear jeans. I didn't want to wear like whatever she had. I mean, she just it was probably some skirt or I don't know. I think I was in the second grade, but it was I didn't think anything about it. But then when she said it, it just so hurt. It just hurt. And I obviously years later I didn't forget it, but it was in that moment, and then I went, you know, went home and I must have said to my mom, I mean, just can I have another pair of jeans, please? And she said, You really only have one pair? And I said, Well, one pair that fits. So, you know, I was getting bigger, so probably you know, I had other things, but anyway, just that thing and not not to internalize when it's not about you.

SPEAKER_01 21:58

Yes, for sure.

SPEAKER_00 22:00

Let it flow through you.

SPEAKER_01 22:02

Good advice, easier said than done.

SPEAKER_00 22:05

I know, I know. Well, show me the baby time is up. Thanks for joining me. Um, this was, I think, oh, I think all the lessons are good, and and I always feel if one person can gain something from it, then it was worth doing, and regardless, we got to spend time together. So that's that makes it all worth it. So thanks for joining me for another episode. Yeah, thanks for sharing the time. Thank you for listening to the Show Me the Baby podcast, and I hope you join me again for another episode. My book, Show Me the Baby, is available at Amazon.com. To learn more about me and a link to order, visit my website, kristinlee.com. That's K-R-I-S-T-Y-N-L-E-E.com.