Episode 32: The How of Dying

In this episode, my fellow horse lover and younger friend, Delaney, joins me to talk about how we view death.  Delaney is a nurse and currently works in an ICU unit and sees the most sick people at the hospital. Death is a certain in life and we chat about our perspectives.

To learn more about me and to purchase my book that outlines all the topics I share about parenting, organization, wellness, leadership, and life skills, visit www.kristynlee.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:09

Welcome to the Show Me the Baby podcast. This is your host, Kristen Lee. I am here to share and expand on topics outlined in my book, Show Me the Baby. Short and sweet tips on parenting, wellness, organization, leadership, and life skills. Why show me the baby? My lifelong friend and mentor never had the patience for lengthy explanations. His mantra was don't tell me about the birth, show me the baby. What I am sharing are brief, to-the-point lessons that I have learned, advice that I was given, or information gathered from others. I want to share my experiences to assist you in navigating parenting and life. The episodes are based on some of the subjects covered in my book and are unscripted, sometimes going in a direction that wasn't planned, but I think makes them more interesting. My goal is to expand on each theme, keeping in the Show Me the Baby way in 15 minutes or less. For a complete list of all the topics I discussed, you can purchase my book ShowMeTheBaby at Amazon.com. For more information about me and a link to purchase, go to my website, kristenlee.com. That's K-R-I-S-T-Y-N-L-E-E.com. Hello, this is Kristen Lee, and you're listening to the Show Me the Baby podcast. I am here again with my family friend, horse friend Delaney. Back again. Welcome and thanks for joining me for another episode. Thank you for having me. I'm excited to be back again. We were chatting before, and I said, I say in the intro, what do I might say 15 minutes or less? Well, when Delaney and I got together the last time, we wick way over the show-me the baby. So we're going to pay more attention to time, but we just have too much to talk about, too much to say. This episode topic is going to be, it's called The How. It is the how of dying. It's a, again, a chapter in the book, and just a couple lines that I'm going to read of what I wrote in the chapter. It says, I was listening to a podcast not long ago, and the podcast repeated a saying, quote, most of us aren't afraid of dying. We are afraid of how we will die. And as Delaney and I were chatting, well, maybe that's not, I mean, I was repeating what somebody else said, and maybe that's how I feel, but that might not be how a lot of people are. There are probably a lot of people that are afraid of dying. So we can talk about a dual, but I'm just very, yeah, I'm very curious about your feeling. Delaney works in the healthcare field. Yes. So you are around a lot of sick people. Yes. Very sick people, right?

SPEAKER_00 3:01

Yes. I saw that chapter and I thought, well, this is an interesting chapter. Yeah, I see this at work. I see the good, you know, when people, well, not so good when people come in sick, and then when we get to see them go home. And then we also see the unfortunate time of sometimes they don't get to go home. Um, and I say unfortunate, and it's also, I feel like this standard of sometimes when people pass, it is really sad, but sometimes it's sad, but it's also sometimes that person's now at peace is the way we like to look at it, because sometimes people, um, and I think a lot of it is, you know, if you have like a belief, like if you believe in God or if you have some other belief, um spiritual, like something, something bigger than yourself or something beyond this life. Yes, I think that that plays a big part in it. Uh, but you know, with the chapter saying it's the how of dying, I think it's also um being in a hospital. No one wants to die in a hospital, at least I don't, maybe some people do, but I I would not want to die in a hospital. Um but there are, I think, circumstances where people unfortunately, you know, the medicine isn't going to fix them. And now there's at least in my opinion, the spirituality that can play into it on, well, you are going to go if you believe in Jesus, you are going to go see Jesus now. And now we can focus on your family gets to surround you, your loved ones get to surround you, like what can we do for you to make you comfortable? Um, and I love one of my favorite things is when family members come in and they start telling stories about the person. Sometimes the people can talk and they can tell like these amazing stories, uh, but sometimes they can't. And the family will tell all of these stories and just like funny stuff.

SPEAKER_01 4:49

And they're all coming together and remember even while the person is still living on the on the cusp of not being of this earth anymore. Yeah, this world.

SPEAKER_00 4:59

Yeah, and it's it's really nice to see that. And I don't know, it's just this different emotion in the room that you can feel, and like it's just feels lighter because the family is there and they love this person. And you know, one of the other chapters in the book I know is called Legacy, but it's true, people do leave a legacy and you get to hear about it. And certain people, families, um, they'll have like a scholarship for that person, and I've seen some of them before. I'm like, oh my gosh, I took care of that person, and that's really nice. And then they have left this legacy, and I I don't know, I just think things like that, it's just the job is hard, but when you get situations like that, it makes it better. And I don't know, maybe some people, like you said, maybe there are some people scared of dying, but there's other parts to it.

SPEAKER_01 5:48

Yeah, and I and I think again when I wrote it and I'd heard that, it really I guess it obviously really resonated with me that I thought I guess for me personally I I know I'm not gonna live forever. Like we come into this world knowing that there's it's not infinite, it's finite, it's a finite time, we just don't know what that time is. Like, and so maybe yeah, the the feeling of believing if you have a belief system that there is something beyond this life that that and and I will say this from people that I know who are extremely spiritual, and they they like they are I don't think those people are as scared as maybe people. I mean, I'm just hypothetical, I guess, from my experience, the people who are terrified, it's like, well, in my mind, it's gonna happen. Like, yeah, it's gonna happen. You are not immortal. So it's how, you know, coming to the terms of this life doesn't last forever, and how can I, you know, yeah, make the bet, make you know, be be the best person of this life that you can be and learn as much as you can. But then also when it happens that you're no longer of this life, how do you, you know, but yeah, it's a worrying. I think people also worry about, you know, am I gonna get cancer? Am I gonna be in a car crash or you know, how what whatever it might be? It's I think the thinking about it how it will end and how long am I gonna live. Like I I think that's something that people think about a lot. Like, what's my number? My one of my daughters gave me, oh, I only think I'm gonna live until this age. I'm like, why would you say that? She's like, because I just think it. Well, she's made it beyond the age, so I said we're past that point. But you know, but but it is, it's it's it's I everybody has their own belief system and their own thoughts about it. But I but I, you know, in your in in what you do, and you're seeing probably people pass away of all ages. Yeah. Of all ages based on the circumstance of what you know they're dealing with.

SPEAKER_00 7:45

Yeah. Yeah. And it's hard to see that. And I think there's times that where I look at myself, I'm like, have I done enough in my life? Like, what am I doing? And but it's one of those, like, like you said, we're not immortal. And the I know there's a country song, it's live like you were dying. Oh, yes, but it's true. Yes, yes, tripraw, yes, thank you. But it's true. I mean, every single day, everybody has bad days, but you don't always want to dwell on the bad. You want to try and make bad days good. What can you do to lift up yourself, lift up somebody else, make tomorrow better, make it tomorrow tomorrow better for somebody else. I mean, really, what can you do to fulfill each day? I mean, I know that can it's easier said than done, but little things, I mean, you know, my shifts are normally 12 hours, and I'm like, oh, this is a you know long day, and especially if I've worked like three days in a row, my third day, I'm like, I'm just so tired. And you have a little one. Yeah, and I mean, and how old is she? She's a year, year and fifty, well, 15 months old to be exact, I guess. But yeah, yeah old. Um, but yeah, so just little things, and like I know like it's hard because I don't get to see her before work. So um to bring me up in the morning, Ryan will FaceTime me or he'll send me a picture of my daughter, and that's really nice. So it's like little things like that that's like it through the day. Yes, and like brighten your day, um getting a coffee, like or an energy drink, which I need to cut back on those, but yeah, just getting an energy drink in the morning or a coffee or something to lift up your spirits for the day, even if you know you're gonna have a long day at work, trying to do something to make like make the day better or upli uplift yourself, I think makes a difference.

SPEAKER_01 9:27

And and living a more fulfilling life. And I think um, and I I think back to you know, people that I know you know who have lost, you know, children at when their children were at a young age. And I always, you know, I think, why does that happen? And I think it's why, you know, why do bad things happen to good people and or somebody, you know, young, again, you know, babies that are born innocent that have done nothing in this world and they don't survive. Like, and people, if you again believe in a spirituality and you know, and there is a if you believe in God, it's like, okay, well, why would why would God do that? And I don't know, just my belief. I think I I I feel we all kind of come to this earth maybe with a pr a plan. We don't know it, but I think there's a plan for each of us. And and there's each of us are gonna be on this earth for uh again a finite amount of time. We don't know what it is, but I think it's already planned. Yeah, I just feel that way.

SPEAKER_00 10:26

Yeah, I do too. I agree. And I think I've also seen, which it's hard in medicine, religion and medicine sometimes don't mix, but for me, in a sense, they do, because I've seen a lot of people just like people, you know, post on Facebook, but just like where they talk about like the power of prayer. But it's true. I've seen some pretty amazing things happen, and it's stuff that you know medicine science can't explain. And I I think I'm a pretty positive person, but I'm like, I just think that the religion, if you have that, even you know, uh not the belief. Well, if you don't believe in Jesus, but you have another belief system spirituality that you're praying to, I I think that there's just power in that. And um yeah, it's really cool. I I think it's very interesting to see what that can do. And yeah, you just can't explain medicine can't explain certain things.

SPEAKER_01 11:19

I agree. And I and I think that having again faith faith of whatever faith is yours, let's just say that, that that brings I I've seen, you know, calmness in times of when somebody is you know ill, that there's just this faith. And I again I know people who have lost young members of their family, but the resilience they have because they they believe, you know, this was the plan for that person. And while they miss the person and they hate that they're not here, they firmly believe that like that was the plan and they will see them again, like their souls will be reconnected some other, you know, in in the next life, if that's the if that's what you believe. But but yeah, so I as again the it was the how of dying, and the more we talked about it. And and then I think of people who yes are are are are terrified not not of how, but just that they will. Yeah. Just that they will.

SPEAKER_00 12:18

Yeah. Yeah, I think I think it's important to not think of, I mean, you know, not think about dying, but thinking about if you are scared, why are you scared of dying? Like trying to get to the root of that. Is it because you don't think that there is heaven, or if you don't believe in that, and you know, other yeah, anything beyond, yeah. Anything beyond. Yeah, what what is your fear, or do you fear like, oh, I'm scared to die because I haven't left a legacy, or maybe I haven't started doing this? And if that's the case, well, you start today. Start there's no reason why you can't change your path today. And I think that's a an important lesson. I mean, every single day is a different day, and there's no reason why tomorrow has to be the same as today, or the day prior, or the day after. I mean, every single day is a different day, and yeah, I I think that that's something even I've tried to do, like every day, even if I have a bad day. I mean, just like tomorrow's gonna be better. And I don't know why it's going to be better, but I'm gonna find a way to make it better and better myself, or I mean, even bettering stuff for my patients. Like, I have this one patient, and I love her. You probably know who it is, but I love her to death, and she does not love being in the hospital. But she was so upset that she was there, and I was like, I well, I'm excited to go to work because I get to see her. Oh, but I'm like, I know she doesn't want to be there. So I ended up taking her McDonald's, which she didn't like the McDonald's sandwich I brought her. She made sure to tell me that, but she likes the coffee that I brought her. So even just little things. Just like a treat because you thought she would appreciate you.

SPEAKER_01 13:54

Just the little sound. And you were thinking of her. So even though she didn't like the sandwich, it's that you thought of her. Yes. You thought of her. And and I think too, in doing things for people who are whatever, you know, sick, sick or in the hospital, it's it raises you up. I think I think when I do things for other people, it's it raises me more than it does the person, if that makes sense. Yeah, yeah. And and I think that that yeah, that's how to kind of turn things around and not think about you know, how long am I gonna live? Yeah. You know, what what's my desk or what's my yeah, my destiny gonna be and and and try I think too the overthinking of it. I think some people can worry and overthink something like dying, because it's a pretty, you know, pretty monumental event. Pretty monumental event, yeah. Yeah, but but I I I think as I have gotten older, I used to be, I will say I used to be just I I think I was just scared. I think I was worried and scared about a lot of different things as I, you know, as I when I was younger and going through school and and once I had my daughters, I think it even got worse because I I was really worried always about something happening to me and then they would be without a mother. And I would do all these things if I would go on a trip. I would leave notes and books like what if I get on the airplane and I don't come back. And I used to feel really selfish about traveling because I thought I'm you know, I'm being really selfish if I have to go to a conference or I have to because I'm leaving my daughters behind, and I really rarely did that. I mean, I could probably grow up, I probably left no more than 10 times, probably like just because I because that was more about me. I guess I'll say that that was more about me. But I think it was the fear again, it was the fear of dying and not my fear of me dying for myself, but more of my fear of leaving them behind. Yeah. And and now that they're adults, maybe that's what's maybe that's what's released it a little bit. I don't know. I don't know. But it is. I think it's I think a lot of us have that that fear, what what and of dying on some level, whatever it's what, whatever it's connected to. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 16:05

And kids make it different too. I mean, I think as kids, yeah, it's you're scared to die in the sense of you don't want to leave them behind, like you just said, and I know that's one thing. Whenever I went out of town and I left Eliza, I'm like, what if something happens to me? I'm scared. I don't want to get on. I'm already scared to fly. I really don't want to fly now.

SPEAKER_01 16:22

I felt I very much felt like that when the girls were little. I just did. And I would, I mean, the things I think back now, I'm sure people thought I was probably neurotic, but but it was just my processing and my way that I needed to do things, and I'm sure they they realized. I think they realize now why I was the way I was when they were growing up. I think just again, based on I don't know, you know, seeing seeing things in perspective of their ages now, but but yeah, but I know your vantage point is uh obviously very different too from working in in the hospital and seeing people probably yeah, every day, every shift are uh at different levels of care and needing care and stages of what their life is gonna be, you know, whether they like you said, go home or not. Yeah, yeah. Well, hey, we are at 15 minutes. Wow. So so we're gonna kind of stick. I feel like this is a good place to wrap up because if we get on another topic, we will definitely go over. But thank you for joining me for another episode. I I think you know, we went on different topics, but I think it it's just to have a conversation about things because it is an important topic about how we each look at it and how we want. I think if it's set a sense of peace. Like I feel like if you can come to terms with we are all going to die and to have peace with it because it's gonna happen. Like, how can you find peace with it? Maybe that's the lesson. So thank you for joining me. Thank you for having me. Thank you for listening to the Show Me the Baby podcast, and I hope you join me again for another episode. My book, Show Me the Baby, is available at Amazon.com. To learn more about me and a link to order, visit my website, kristinlee.com. That's K R I S T Y N L E E.com.