Episode 33: Do I Have Regrets?

I receive questions about how I navigated raising my daughters and the one most often asked is "Do you have regrets or wish you would've done things differently?"  In this episode, I talk about my regrets in rearing my children.  In my typical stream of conscious way, I talk openly and candidly about my views now looking back to the time when my daughters were younger.  The most challenging time for me were the teenage years and where my greatest regrets come from.

To learn more about me and to purchase my book that outlines all the topics I share about parenting, organization, wellness, leadership, and life skills, visit www.kristynlee.com

Transcript

Copy Transcript Copied

SPEAKER_00 0:09

Welcome to the Show Me the Baby podcast. This is your host, Kristen Lee. I am here to share and expand on topics outlined in my book, Show Me the Baby. Short and sweet tips on parenting, wellness, organization, leadership, and life skills.

SPEAKER_01 0:25

Why Show Me the Baby? My lifelong friend and mentor never had the patience for lengthy explanations. His mantra was Don't tell me about the birth, show me the baby. What I am sharing are brief, to-the-point lessons that I have learned, advice that I was given, or information gathered from others. I want to share my experiences to assist you in navigating parenting and life. The episodes are based on some of the subjects covered in my book and are unscripted, sometimes going in a direction that wasn't planned, but I think makes them more interesting.

SPEAKER_00 0:57

My goal is to expand on each theme, keeping in the Show Me the Baby way in 15 minutes or less. For a complete list of all the topics I discussed, you can purchase my book, ShowMeTheBaby, at Amazon.com. For more information about me and a link to purchase, go to my website, kristenlee.com. That's K-R-I-S-T-Y-N-L-E-E.com.

SPEAKER_01 1:41

Hello, this is Kristen Lee, and this is the Show Me the Baby Podcast. In today's episode, this is my inaugural, I guess it's the inaugural, uh, first time that I do not have a guest because I decided I often am getting the same question from listeners and those who have read my book. And the big question often is in raising my daughters, now that they are adults, do I have regrets about how I reared them? So that that's a question that comes up often. So I thought in today's episode, I would share my views on looking back now that they're my daughters are both in their 20s, how I they they will have a different perspective, but my perspective on regrets or you know, ways I could have done things differently, because certainly I could have. And in some instances, certainly I wish I would have. So to start with, I will say something that I have learned, and especially with families with younger children, whether you're, you know, whoever is raising those children, you only know what you know. So in those moments when you're in the thick of things, you only know what you know and you only have the experience that you have. And I really hope my book and the podcasts help help people with gaining some perspective without having to go through it the same, or at least with more, you know, using these as tools to have more knowledge. I I guess that's what I'm trying to say. But one of the things I, you know, as I remember when my daughters were young, I was under a lot of stress, which I know plenty of people under stress. I'm not saying mine is equal more than, less than everybody has different stresses. I had a very demanding career. I owned my own business. I was running the house, managing everything most in the house, the cooking, the cleaning, the shopping. And probably I wanted to do that because I wanted it to be the way I wanted it to be. So, in part, I probably didn't, I, you know, I didn't want help in those things, and I took on a lot, in part was my part of my problem. But I think in that I put a lot of stress on myself to want to do things perfectly. And when I pushed myself that hard, I think certainly who it affected the most were my girls because they saw me experience that pressure and I didn't have the patience. I, you know, one of them one of my big regrets is I know there were certainly certain times I feel like I I was patient a lot, but yes, sometimes I lost my control or my re, you know, the way I would react to certain things because I was just exhausted. And so if I could do it again, I would say to my younger self, like, breathe. And when you feel like you're going to blow, like leave the room. And sometimes you can't when you have little ones, but I I don't, I as I'm mentally walking through this, I think that when I would, I have a very long fuse. I always have had a pretty long fuse, but when I lose my cool, I lose it. Like I'll yell. Um, I'm better, way better now. But certainly, especially when my girls were teenagers, I think um they knew how to push my buttons. And I think that to them was also getting some control, you know. Hey, let's let's push mom and make her, you know, lose it. And then that way, you know, maybe we'll get what we really want, which I don't think really worked. But um, I'm sure there are plenty of recordings of me yelling. I I am sure there are, and I'm sure they've shared them with their friends. We may have talked about this on another podcast, but yeah, patient, more patience, being able to step, to, you know, take a time out for myself and be able to step away. Um, I did learn as they, as they were in their teenage years and they got older. Um, you know, if I made a decision, if they asked to do something and I immediately said no because I just wasn't in a position, I was ready to be faced with the question or had the mind space mind place that I was able. It was usually the end of the day when they would ask me questions or ask for things when I was already already, you know, really tired. I could, you know, I would go back and change my mind. If I felt it I made the decision rashly and then I had the night to think about it, I, you know, I could change my mind. I mean, usually it wasn't until the next day or, you know, days after that that they were asking to do something. So again, I'm I'm patience, taking a step back in times of heated moments, especially during the teenage years. And then when my girls were young, um, I wish I would, I mean, I spent, I I, I was able to, even though I owned my own business, I had a schedule that I was able to spend the mornings with them and and time with them. So I wasn't rushing off to uh you know a job where I had to be, you know, at work at seven, eight, nine in the morning on certain days. So I did have thankfully that flexibility. But taking the time to just sit with them and be and not have 10 other things on my mind, I know, I know I was present with them a lot, but I also know there were times that there was so much going on that I wasn't as present as what I wish I would be. Um, because now I think was all that really that important, whatever was on my mind at the moment, whether it was, you know, what was going on at my store, whether it was getting laundry done or getting the dishes done, or you know, weeding the weeding the weeding the flowers, what whatever it was, I think all of those things in hindsight are really not important. And while I liked my house to be orderly, and because order for me helped probably with the stress too, um, I wish I could go back and not care as much about the order, um, meaning it didn't have to be perfect, it could have been a little less than perfect, and not saying it was perfect, but in my mind I wanted it to be perfect. Um, so I I think those, if I had regrets um looking back, you know, the hindsight is is is as they say 2020. And I want to bring my girls back um to get their perspective on on some of this because as I said, I think my decision making now that they are adults, having their perspective on my parenting would be even more interesting because they went, you know, they went through it and they saw it through the eyes, you know, through their own eyes of how I reacted. Um, I know, as I said earlier, when I I'm sure they recorded me, especially in high school when they had phones and they could record me. I know they did. And I think they did it to be funny sometimes. Like they would push my buttons and then I would see them kind of laugh and I'd say, Are you recording me? And then, and then, oh no, no. And then later, if we were together with some of their friends, there would be these snickers and I would, you know, laughing, and I'd say, Oh, thanks. You recorded that. So that that that's something I'm sure I'll be very proud of to hear it later. So I don't know. I don't know. I think uh being certainly being a parent was it is and has been my you know, my most important and role of my life, and I think the most important role that I'll ever have because I I have wanted my girls to just come into this world and be, you know, people of integrity and people who can give back and be of service and can enjoy life and not worry about I, you know, I I hope I've shared with them to not get so bogged down and the little things that we can all get bogged down in. And, you know, at the time what we think is important, again, how important really is that there's not, you know, dishes in the sink or laundry to be done. Um, and I I'm going back to the tasks because I just remember those were things that um I wanted pretty fairly orderly, and it wasn't as if my house by any means was immaculate, but I just I liked having things organized. And and some of the chapters in the book are and the podcast. It's very clear that you know, things of order are important to me, and they aren't important to a lot of people, but they were to me. Um, but obviously I'm saying, huh, maybe I didn't need to be that orderly. Maybe I didn't need to be that orderly. Um, other regrets I would say would be I think the focus of people won't like me saying this, I don't care. Sports. A lot of times, if your children are in sports and participating, um, mine were in, I mean, they they rode horses and that's a sport, but it was more um, you know, like the the school sports, the travel sports, volleyball. Um I remember there was so much pressure during high school of, you know, as a family during the summer, you know, we can't do this, we can't do that because of the volleyball schedule. And there was a lot of pressure. And I understand why, you know, if you commit to being on a team, you commit to being on team and you commit to being um a member and whatever that involves, that's a commitment. But I think it it went a little, I think it goes to the extreme. And I and I still hear it from parents who um whose whose children are involved in in sports, no matter whether it's volleyball, football, baseball, whatever, um, softball, that you know, the the sport comes ahead of family. And I think looking back, there were times I wish I would have said even before they you know what uh here's in hindsight, before my girls entered into a sport, I I wish I would have said ahead of time, yes, you're on it, you know, if you make the team, you'll be on the team. However, if if a family event comes up or we have a or we have a vacation plan, let's say every year we go on vacation the same week every year, that is gonna take priority. And you communicate, you know, you make the team, you communicate that to your coach. And if that means you don't start the next game, if that means, you know, you lose your place for a game, that is gonna be the consequence, but our family comes first. Uh, I'm sure there'll be plenty of people who don't agree with that, and that's okay. I just remember how tough the summers were going into the fall season of sports because we couldn't, you know, unless we we scheduled a trip around, you know, a couple weeks in between the end of something and the beginning of something, we didn't get, you know, we didn't get as long of a trip. I mean, I never really liked to go anywhere very long, but you know, three, four days, three, four nights away. So there was a, and I think that was not only obviously stress to me and wanting to do something as a family, but also I think it placed a lot of stress on my daughters because of the pressure. And I understand it's hard. I mean, I have never been a coach, and I'm sure the pressure on the coaches is is a lot. And I appreciate the ones who step up and do it because I know it's a difficult job. Um, and if everybody's going on vacation, it makes it really hard to try to um, you know, have a good have a team, have a competitive team. But again, I wish for me personally, I would have set my kids up for, you know, if we already have a trip planned, the trip is planned. And you may not, you may lose a spot for a game, but it's it's one game. It's not gonna change the world. It probably won't. I don't know. Maybe it could in some people's lives. So, you know, I I just, as I said, and and just the pressure around it. And I feel like as the leader and the mother of my daughters, I could have set that up better. Um, and maybe maybe it would have still gone the same way, but I but I I do wish I would have set it up better for them, for me, or said, well, you know, I want you to be uh participate in a sport, but our family comes first, and this is something we already have planned. So if you make the team, you need to communicate that. But again, I don't know if even I would have done that if it would have made any difference. But I think there's a just a lot of pressure around sports, and um, I think I could have intervened a little bit more as I as I mentioned. So um those are I I mean I'm I'm I'm just touching on a little bit, but I but those were the first kind of things that came to my mind, and I want to bring my girls back and get their perspective, not I mean, obviously they're not their regrets. Well, maybe they have regrets too. Maybe they regret recording me and making fun of me to all their friends and calling me the I was the mean mommy. Uh I I got that a time or two um when they were younger, and then obviously as they got older, it was uh, I'm sure a little bit worse than just mean mommy, at least of of what they probably shared with each other, but it bonded them. I will say my daughters, um, I would they're they seem to be best friends. And if me being the mean mommy made them closer and best friends, then it was worth it. It was worth it because having that shared experience, but also being able to rely on each other and depend on each other for you know, being able to just, I think they're there for one another and they can share the same um or similar experience. I know one would say they're not exactly equal because they're two years apart. And, you know, certainly one of them would say, Oh, you treated the other one differently. Well, they're different kids, so I had to treat them differently because they were different kids. I didn't I didn't make different rules, but I'm sure my reactions were different based on how they reacted. So I digress. Anyway, this was the first time that I have done um questions for Kristen. So hopefully that gives a little bit of insight. Um, very unplanned as typical, just how uh my mind works and what my mind went to. I hoped you I hope you enjoyed this episode. And uh I hope you join me for future ones. And if you have ever have questions, uh feel free. The easiest way is to email me. You can uh fill out the contact form and email me, and I would be happy to answer questions on future episodes of Show Me the Baby. Thanks for listening.

SPEAKER_00 16:52

Thank you for listening to the Show Me the Baby podcast, and I hope you join me again for another episode. My book, Show Me the Baby, is available at Amazon.com. To learn more about me and a link to order, visit my website, kristenlee.com. That's K-R-I-S-T-Y-N-L-E-E.com,