CITY MINDS NEED HEALING | S2 E7 K.A.S.T with Tommy (Tommy Talks Therapy) Urban Therapy Unfiltered

CITY MINDS NEED HEALING | S2 E7 K.A.S.T with Tommy (Tommy Talks Therapy) | Urban Therapy Unfiltered

In this episode of K.A.S.T, we sit down with Tommy, the voice behind Tommy Talks Therapy, for a real conversation about mental health in the environments that shape us.
Because in the city, pressure is constant, survival becomes normal, and for many, therapy still feels out of reach.

We explore what it means to grow up and live in fast-paced, high-stress environments where vulnerability isn’t always welcomed, and how that impacts the way people process trauma, express emotion, and seek help.
This conversation challenges the idea that “getting on with it” is strength, and looks at what real healing actually requires when life doesn’t slow down.

Tommy shares his perspective on breaking stigma, making therapy more accessible, and why culturally aware conversations around mental health are more important now than ever.
• Mental health in urban environments
• Why many people still avoid therapy
• Survival mode vs true healing
• Breaking stigma in communities
• The importance of culturally relevant therapy
• Creating safe spaces for honest conversation
This episode is about understanding the mind behind the environment, and why healing is no longer optional.
If this resonates with you, share it with someone who needs to hear it.
🎧 Honest conversations. Real growth.

#KASTPodcast #MentalHealth #Therapy #UrbanLife #Healing #SelfAwareness #Podcast

Transcript

SPEAKER_04 0:00

I'm Car, and I'm Stam, and this is the cast Cal and Stam Talks.

unknown 0:03

And on the words of reason.

SPEAKER_04 0:04

Big up, big up, big up. Today's episode. We're nearing the end of season two. So we thought it's important to um reiterate our message. To re reiterate our ethos. And in doing so, we reflect that through today's guests. We've got Triple T here today. Tommy's talking therapy. What's going on, my guy? Come on. So Tommy is a no, let me let you just take take the floor and introduce yourself, who you are, what you do, and we just we slowly get into it.

SPEAKER_05 0:37

Thank you, man. Yeah, Tommy talks therapy. Um, yeah, bro, like what it says on the tin, really. Um I'd like to say that yeah, I'm uh I'm an advocate for mental health, advocate for therapy, got my own private practice. Um I do some social media content around mental health, um, yeah, some brand stuff. I do like a few things, man, but at the forefront of it all is definitely yeah, um, an advocate for mental health, 100%, man.

SPEAKER_04 1:06

Okay, cool. So we get into this.

SPEAKER_03 1:10

You wanna so first things first, obviously, you said you're an advocate for mental health. Yeah. What there's so many different paths you could have done in life, and you're a therapist. So let's get straight into it. What made you want to become a therapist? Because not even it's not stigma or stereotype, but looking at you and how you sound, I wouldn't think you're a therapist.

SPEAKER_02 1:32

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I get that.

SPEAKER_04 1:36

Yeah, bro.

SPEAKER_05 1:36

You're not the one that the manapist, you see, I get that all the time, even when I say like people say, Oh, but like, what do you actually do? And I'm like, no, I'm a therapist. And I'm like, Well, for real, I'm like, yeah, bro, like that's my thing. Like, I went I went into it because um yeah, I was an electrician before. Okay, and uh yeah, bro. I'm English, so like the culture is like get a trade, yeah. That's a good thing. You see that there? That's all I heard growing up, bro. And don't get me wrong, yeah, like I'm grateful for learning that skill because it keeps me afloat even till now, like man do bits and bobs, but yeah, um, yeah. One day I was I was uh I was working in a basically I found out I was gonna be a dad, so I went to therapy myself because I was like, yeah, bro, I was like, I'm not I'm not about to put like all my my trauma on my child. Yeah, um and yeah, man. And throughout my whole childhood and adolescence, early adulthood, I was like anti-therapy, bro. I was like, fuck therapy, I'm not lying. Like, talk to who about what, like, yeah, yeah. I'm saying don't 100. Brother, I've gone to my first session of therapy, bro, and I was I was like outside on my life, I was like, you know what, let's see how good this therapist is. I'm gonna tell her everything now. Fuck this one. Oh, what from the jump? Yeah, you just on the end there, straight in. In my head, in my head, yeah, bro. I was like, let's see how good she really is. Yeah, yeah. Because I know you handled it, yeah, yeah. But you yeah, bro. I've gone in there now, yeah. Started speaking, and what felt like two minutes later, she's like, Oh, we like we're rounding up now. So I was like, right. I've come out, yeah. Yeah, and the person that took me there was like, how do you feel? I was like, what? Like my shoulders felt like they were here, and then after the session felt like they were down here. It just felt like a mad weight, and that feeling stuck with me. So a couple years later, it even was bro. I'm doing some electrical work in an old people's home, and forgive me, but there was a very old man like he was passing, bro, the bed. What while you was working? Yeah, like obviously, because that's the that's the where I was working in the old people's home. Or where they go to uh um hospice, yeah, yeah, exactly, exactly. Yeah, yeah, changing the light, bro. And something come in my head, like bro, I was looking at at this person, and I was like, I can't do this until I'm like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like it just don't, you feel like sit right with man. Like I need to do something more, and probably Oh, sorry, I was just trying to clot sorry to cut now.

SPEAKER_04 4:04

I just have to just to make sure I'm on so you seeing him passing, you realise one day you're gonna be in that position this ain't life, this ain't to do more crazy parallel, you know, bro.

SPEAKER_05 4:14

Honestly, like, and I remember distinctively, like, I remember I could man can see it as I'm explaining it now, yeah. And bro, like I went out to my to the van, I'll be real, bro. And I was just crying, yeah. Yeah, the guy I was working with, he he was he's all like I'm getting missed calls from man, he's come out, he's like, What like where have you been? I said, Bro, I just want to go. Yeah, like I can't, he's like, let's just finish the day. Bro, as soon as the day finishes, I call my mum. Yeah, I was like, Mom, I don't know what to do. She's like, talk to me. I said, tell me what you want. And I was like, honestly, when I had therapy, I loved that feeling that I got. So I just want to give that to others. And bro, from there, bro, 24 years old, I went back to college, level two. Yeah, like I was like, I'm all walking past in the college court hallway. My barber who's 15, yeah, he's all bumping into me in the hallway. He's like, rah, like what you know? Old as fuck. Like, why are you here? Kind of thing. I said, bro, man, just trying to pattern up. So done my level two, level three, and now I got a degree in it. So what what what like what did you what did you study? What was it you studied? Level two was counselling skills, level three was counselling, full stop, and then I've done a foundation degree in person-centred counselling. Okay. And now I'm doing a research year. Yeah. So like I've I've taken it. Like, what's a research?

SPEAKER_04 5:27

What is a research yeah?

SPEAKER_05 5:28

So it's for me, it's like a top-up year, so that I get a bachelor of arts, like a BA. So you finished your degree, your foundation degree.

SPEAKER_04 5:36

You finish your foundation degree, and then you do a top-up year.

SPEAKER_05 5:39

For a BA, yeah, yeah. Um but the year consists of a year of research. So I'm working, I'm doing a research topic, um, therapist experience on people who have been in prison. So that's what that's what I'm saying at the moment. That's good, that's good, you know.

SPEAKER_04 5:50

And it but what but but what does that like do you when you say when you say when you say what's that called? Do you know what? Go on. No, but I'm saying, uh, you say a research year, do you are you do you go and like uh volunteer somewhere or something? No, just interview therapists that work with prisoners. Oh, you interview the actual therapist, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_05 6:12

Yeah, that's cases basically. Yeah, bro. Yeah, yeah, like case studies, yeah, yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_03 6:16

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's crazy. So that's that's a lot, but do you know what? Let's take it back a bit because obviously we're where you are now, and it's like you said you went to therapy because of some. Yeah, no, actually, because you you was gonna have a child and you don't want to pass them traumas onto your child. Like, do you wanna dive into what the kind of traumas may have been, hence why you felt you needed to go therapy? If you don't, then it's fine, but even yeah, so yeah, like what was the traumas that made you think, you know what? Nah, you got a you got a son, bro? You got you got a daughter, and you thought, nah, my daughter, I don't want my daughter to go through this. That what was it that made you think because the sign you went through, yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_05 6:58

So bagger stuff, bro. Like yeah, bagger stuff, bro. Like man just so again, so my my parents split when I was uh maybe like five, and me and my daughter's mum split the same way. Okay, and and there was so much like just parallels, bro. Do you get what I'm saying? In the sense of like I guess being like an anxious parent, like my mum was anxious, okay, and my dad was avoidant. Like, so man could I'm I'll be in I'll be at home with my mum who's like who was God bless her, like yeah, but it couldn't it didn't maybe really know how to navigate that, was quite like emotional, yeah. Um you know, I would I would see that yeah and there, yeah, yeah. Um and then go to my dad, and it's the complete opposite. Brother, like like a new woman every week, yeah, kind of thing, like again, like and just when I when I see him, would be like in the pub. Obviously, man would still see him, yeah, but be in the pub or watching football kind of thing. Yeah, and that's where it was.

SPEAKER_03 8:09

There was never any conversation, no bond, it was just bond over the football. Yeah, yeah, you know, like when you think about parent, you think that some people have great relationships with their dad and they can tell their dad everything.

SPEAKER_05 8:20

Yeah, bro, like mine weren't like that.

SPEAKER_04 8:22

Yeah, like don't get me wrong, he he was he was there just it in um like his body was present, he was there, but there was no like interaction or there was no connection, nah bro.

SPEAKER_05 8:35

I was out like like and again, I've I've never been in a gang or anything like that, but like where I grew up, it was so easy to just step through outside my yard because again, I'm not at home watching X Factor with my mum and sister, bro. Yeah, yeah. And want to be outside with a man that's yeah, bro. Wanna ride backs and kickball and about a bit, and do you get what I'm saying? So, but in even in the midst of all that, like I said, bro, I grew up in Enfield Island village, so like gang culture was pretty rife growing up, not pretty, like extremely rife. Yeah, um, so it's sad that it's cliche, yeah, but it's true that it's cliche because it happens, but bro, man and going to prison, yeah, people that I walked to school with been killed. Uh the people in the youth club, bro, like people getting done for murder, bro. I'm I'm 13, 14. The people that are 15, 16 getting done for murders, bro. But I'm playing table tennis with them on a Tuesday, and on it's mad.

SPEAKER_03 9:28

And you know what? Thinking about it, growing up and seeing that, it just became normal to you, bro. Yeah, bro. But if you tell someone from way out of London that that's happened, they'll it's mad.

SPEAKER_05 9:39

I'm all working as an electrician, bro, and like the guy who I'm working with from Saulbridgeworth, like Hartford, uh I guess I'm part of Hertfordshire, bro. Yeah, and again, he's like, Oh, what you've been saying, and I'll just be talking in the van. Yeah, I swear on my life, bro. One time I'm talking, I'm saying a story. I think one of the men got stabbed or whatever. Yeah, but again, it just happens kind of things. That normality to you, yeah. I've said it, and obviously I've clocked, he's not responded, innit? Yeah, he's all looking at me like this. You're right, you're all right, mate. I'm like, yeah, bro. Like, yeah, but I and I didn't realise like throughout my adolescence, that was such a normal thing. Because the man who we're saying, bro, oh, did you hear about my man who went bin? Yeah, like that's not normal, it's normal for us.

SPEAKER_03 10:18

There's so many parallels from where we come from, yeah, it's just a different postcode, yeah, yeah, bro.

SPEAKER_05 10:24

And in every pocket of low social economic area in London, and this is why I think it's so upset, it's it's sad, bro. It is sad, yeah, it's normal to man. Like, there's so many people that can resonate with knowing someone that's gone to prison or been arrested or been stabbed or robbed or this or that.

SPEAKER_00 10:41

We probably have more people going through that than we've had people pass away in our family.

SPEAKER_04 10:46

Come on, yeah, they may have passed away through that, but yeah, yeah, and you're talking about like natural people just like uh elders like grandparents, maybe pass, you know.

SPEAKER_03 10:56

And do you know what I think from that, Tommy? Yeah, it's like seeing that, do you think that that that caused you to have certain traumas? Like, think about it, yeah. It seemed normal to you, but in your body, it's that you're in an area that's got gang culture, there's anxiety going out, yeah, stuff like that. You might be thinking uh I might be next. So a lot of that stuff and traumas, I feel that we actually just live with traumas and we just think it's normal. Yeah, so that's why I feel like mental health, we have to actually dive deep into we actually sometimes we don't know what's wrong with us. Nah, bro, because the things that we've seen, it's not it seems normal to us, but it's actually not normal. Nah, bro, it ain't it ain't.

SPEAKER_05 11:34

Yeah, I went into my yard yesterday, bro. I'm on I'm on I'm on the phone. Bro, I'm walking, um, and I knew no one was in my yard yesterday, but the light was on in the front room. Yeah, and I can't remember putting the light on. It's an embarrassing out you. Brother, I'm 27 years old, you know. Yeah, and I'm I'm I've got to my gate, I've looked over both both of my shoulders, yeah, I've looked down the road there. I'm I'm on the phone, I'm like, Yeah, you're assessing the situation. Yeah, bro. I'm all I've gone into my yard, and bro, I've opened every door. Like we're conditioned to that feedback.

SPEAKER_03 12:07

It's mad.

SPEAKER_04 12:08

We got I ain't done nothing wrong, bro. Yeah, like you're not even involved in nothing, but you're still so but so basically just being in the proximity of it all, it still messed you, it's still messed with you a bit, it still affected you.

SPEAKER_05 12:20

Yeah, and like, and don't get me wrong, like I ain't too far different from the man them that took that path. Yeah, like by God's grace, like man just veered this way. Yeah, like I went to the same school as a man them, grew up on the same estate, single parent homes, there are a lot more similarities than differences with a man them that I've unfortunately taken.

SPEAKER_03 12:44

Oh one thing I'll say, yeah, that I'm glad that you're here because hearing all what you've been through, and you're like all of us in the room, you've come from an area where it's crazy, it is crazy, let's be honest. And it's like, what is your because there's a certain man that still don't believe in all this mental health stuff? What what is your message in regards to mental health? Because it's still a taboo that we're trying to make it aw, make people aware that there's no stigma attached to it. It's a normal thing. Yeah, yeah. These are normal things, yeah, and it's not our fault why we are how we are. Yeah, so what's your message to the people that still feel nah mental health is now it's not that deep, and yeah, what would you say? Because now you've you've studied it fully, like you're fully qualified in this thing. So, what would you say in regards to it?

SPEAKER_05 13:32

Me personally, bro, I always say, see, with your physical health, if you want to look after it and maintain it, man, go to the gym and run. Mental health is exactly the same. For me, I go therapy each week, bro. I'm a therapist, I've been in therapy every week for the last two years for mental maintenance. I'm just working that muscle.

SPEAKER_04 13:55

So it's still like it's it's it's it's it's not even just a thing, you have to have something wrong with you. No, bro. It's a thing like to mango gym and then not your mental health is something that needs to be maintained and looked after actively, proactively than reactively, yeah.

SPEAKER_05 14:12

So why am I gonna wait? Which I have done, and I I get why it it does happen, but now I've got that knowledge, I'm not gonna wait for myself to come into some sort of mental health crisis or um you know go back into a depression or a point in time where I I suffer really badly with anxiety or PTSD or any of these things, why not be instead of reacting to them things, why not be proactive and work that muscle? Same way in the gym, bro. I'm not I'm not obese or overweight, but I go to the gym to maintain my physique and my physical health. The same way man goes to therapy just to maintain some sort of mental clarity, each week it's a space that man for 50 minutes can go, yeah, say whatever I want, leave and go on and do my thing.

SPEAKER_03 14:58

I think in regards to mental health, because mental health is within you, yeah, that's your mind and how you think. But the gym, you can see the results. That's the thing. So people can see you go gym, you see the result, you get hence, you got all this and whatever. But if you go therapy, you don't see it. That's the thing. I don't think it's like sometimes people say seeing is believing. Yeah, yeah. You do see it though, I think you do. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 15:23

Someone usually like bows out and blows up over something, yeah, but they can control themselves or take themselves out of the situation or implement a boundary. Or even reflect.

SPEAKER_03 15:33

That's true. That's them that's them being proactive and have a skill set to do that. That's true, but then no 100% it's in it's visible if you're exposed to someone going therapy. Like if all of yeah, if all of us didn't go therapy, none of us would know we wouldn't, it wouldn't be visible to us. So it's like I feel that people actually have to go therapy, like you said, and you know, you're not the only person that said, I think all of us have said it in here. When we go therapy, it's a weight lifted off our shoulders. I don't think anyone said there's some people that's gone therapy and said that it didn't work for me, but you know what? Maybe you didn't bond with a therapist, or maybe you might not have been fully open. But everyone has said there's a weight lifted off their shoulders in regards to therapy, which, yeah, do you get what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_04 16:18

Um you see this word mental health, obviously we're kind of a little bit into the the podcast or whatever, but I was gonna say this at the start, but I feel it's important. What is mental health? And the reason I'm asking you that is because you're a qualified um you're a qualified therapist with multiple qualifications, so you're clinical. So let's just get a let's bring it back to the basics of it. What is mental mental health? You kind of explained it by saying going to the gym and giving that analogy, but what is mental health?

SPEAKER_05 16:51

Again, bro, I think like even there's a connotation like I was I was with a man then, bro, yeah, getting some food once. Like, literally, this might have been like last year, yeah. Yeah, and I walked into this debate. Yeah, like I I weren't even meant to see the man them. And um someone one of them was like, Yeah, yeah, it's cool and that, but I just don't believe in it. Yeah, and I was like, I was all right, cool, I was listening, and my brother was like, No, Tom, tell him, tell him. I said, No, like explain to me. He was like, bro, like my dad's generation, do you think there was mental health? Like, man, just cracked on. Yeah. And I was like, no, I hear that. I hear that. But it's not something to believe in, bro. It exists, it's a mental, it's it's like your mental state, your mental well-being. The health of your health of your mental state, yeah, bro. Like anything, bro. Like, and and it, and it's a fluctuating thing. You can't have mental health or not have mental health. I hear people say, oh no, but I don't have mental health. No, you do have mental health.

SPEAKER_04 17:42

Some people's mental health is good, some people's so you got in just yeah, different bro.

SPEAKER_05 17:48

I might wake up today and feel good. I might check in with my brain when I wake up, yeah. Cool, man's feeling calm today, rare tear tear, and wake up tomorrow and not. Same way you might wake up today and be calm and wake up tomorrow and have a cold.

SPEAKER_03 17:59

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But is it like there's mental health and ill mental health? Yeah, there's two different yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 18:06

Um, even mental illness, you mean? There's meant there's so there's the health of your mind, but there's some people that actually have a mental illness, you mean?

SPEAKER_05 18:12

Yeah, that's what you mean, yeah, yeah. But even but even just having like a uh a mental illness, obviously, that could be like a diagnosis, but you could wake up or I could wake up tomorrow with uh a bit more ill mental health than I did today because say, for example, you wake up tomorrow and have a cold, yeah, you wouldn't necessarily have like a physical health disorder and just got a cold. A man might wake up naturally tomorrow and just feel a bit lower than what I might. Do you get what I'm trying to say, bro?

SPEAKER_03 18:37

It's mad what you said about your friend saying that uh our dad's generation used to just crack on. But truth is, there was still suicides back then. Bro, it was just there was suicides, but you didn't know why they committed.

SPEAKER_05 18:48

English culture, I'm English, like I said, bro. Yeah, yeah. I've grown up watching 30, 40, 50, 60 year old men go to the pub every day after work and live for the weekend. Yeah, don't let that shit go over your head, bro. Yeah, you get what I'm saying? Men are in a community setting, yeah, but they're seeking community, yeah, they're seeking connection. There's something they're seeking seeking relief, they're going in for relief or therapy. Of course, bro, they're going there, talking about their day and drinking alcohol. Yeah, don't and again, what everyone wants to do, that's fine. Yeah, but like alcohol is a depressant in itself, bro. Yeah, like so they're suppressing something, bro.

SPEAKER_02 19:25

Come on, man.

SPEAKER_03 19:26

What do you think these men are just if you think about it? They're drinking alcohol, and people say you're more open and honest when you drink alcohol, bro. You're therapy, but you're using a different vice to actually come on, bro.

SPEAKER_05 19:36

Yeah, and like, and and that's like a common, like things are so frequently like overlooked with a mental health thing because there's such a stigma to it. Yeah, but and I'm like, oh like I I know man, yeah, that will finish work. Oh no, I'm only having a couple of pints, but you still need that couple of pints because if you didn't have them couple of pints, bro, yeah, you're you're feeling different. Yeah, that's their balance, innit? That's that's the way they left, and they get coping mechanism, innit? Exactly, yeah, exactly that, and that's all it is with mental health. Man have different coping mechanisms. You either got healthy ones or ones that would be deemed not so, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 20:08

So, as a therapist, for the audience, can you give us some examples of that what are negative coping mechanisms and what are healthy, but so unhealthy ones and healthy ones. So, just for the people, yeah. So, they might think someone might be doing something thinking it's healthy and it might not be healthy. So, yeah, what's a few that you've working in your field, what have you seen as healthy and unhealthy?

SPEAKER_05 20:33

I feel like for me personally, obviously, it all depends if somebody's relationship to something. Like me, for example, bro. I know sometimes if I'm like bored or stressed, man, eat. Yeah, say binge eating there.

SPEAKER_04 20:48

Bro, I've been on bro, I've been on these um cinnamon cinnamon buns.

SPEAKER_05 20:52

You know the ones from Tesco's been I've been on them for about two weeks, bro. Microwave for 30 seconds, yeah, bro. I'm two days clean off them cinnamon buns, bro. No, I'm two days clean off cinnamon, bro. I've been on them. Don't read that, you know. Yeah, serious, bro. You're saying food is one of yours, yeah. Yeah, like and I think obviously I don't wanna I don't wanna be like documented saying that any something is necessarily unhealthy per se or healthy because it all depends with the individual's yeah subjective relationship to it. Obviously, there are ones like bro, that would be at the top of your head, like smoking, drinking, again, each to their own in it.

SPEAKER_01 21:32

I'm not trying to judge anyone, but any of you smoke what they say you would all have a drink about in life, but is it something that is affected or not?

SPEAKER_05 21:43

With me drinking. Yeah, yeah, bro. Hundred with me personally, that's why me personally, I can't really drink too tough. Yeah, if I'm being honest, which is mad that you said that because I don't really talk about that, but yeah, open open, honest space, innit? When I was Like um yeah, there was a point in time, bro. Maybe I I was like kind of young man, like maybe like 16, 17, but I was really depressed, bro. I was um I was modeling at the time, and it's like an industry where like it's just how you look. Like no one cares about anything, anything, nothing, just how you look, bro. Fucking so and I didn't really even clock, bro.

SPEAKER_04 22:23

Like I said, I'm coming from a young age, man.

SPEAKER_05 22:25

Nah, bro. And I'm coming from the ends, like into like a completely different world. Like, they're doing all kinds of drugs, bro. Like, I'm not and again in the ends, like, cool if you want to ban something, cool. But anything else is that logo. So it's as a bit different.

SPEAKER_00 22:40

Madame drugs, yeah.

SPEAKER_05 22:42

So I'm coming back, bro, and my team was yeah, drinking. And I remember one time I had a bottle of wine, and I was I was driving my car, and one of my mum's friends seen me do the red light coming out of my estate. So she's called my mum. Yeah, like, yo, you want to call Tommy Redete? I'm like, so my mum's called me, come meet me now, bro. I've linked her on the estate, I'll never forget, bro. I've come out of my car drunk. My mum snatched the bottle off me, crying. Why are you doing this? For me, I'm all like kind of giddy and laughing, thinking, give me the keys. And bro, you see, when I sobered up and I realised that bro, like man actually proper let my mum down. Like, and that like sat with me. I think we've all been there where we like let our parents down, we let our mum down, someone closer to that. Yeah, that feeling, yeah, because that was here, you know, like in my heart, and that that was from like a relatively young age. Even when I go, like don't get me wrong, bro, the man and his birthday, very occasionally I would I will indulge, but I can't go to the say, for example, watch the football. The man might have a cider, watch the football. I I have a cranberry juice, bro. Yeah. That man, yeah, because if I have one drink, my one, yeah. There's a saying, it's like I can control the first drink, yeah, I can't control after the next drink.

SPEAKER_04 23:55

One too many affairs are not enough.

SPEAKER_05 23:56

Yeah, but exactly, yeah, exactly that. Um, and I clot that like that's not just my personality in general, whether it be with like drink uh in the past with like women, yeah, do you know what I'm saying? That's a dictating personality. It's a big thing that's taboo as well with a man then, bro. Like sex. Like, I was I was talking with a man them about this, like literally the other the other week. And man, I I was saying, like, bro, it's all such a like uh you go with a man that, oh, you know, you see this thing that man see or whatever I'm talking to. Yeah, but in reality, all the man them are hailing me up, and then I go to my yard, I feel kind of lonely, bro.

SPEAKER_03 24:31

Like, I'm not really feeling you don't have no sense of belonging. No, no sense of belonging. Like you can chase the girls and it's fun in the moment, yeah, and then when you go home, it's like yo, like there's no purpose. Yeah, you're just you're just doing it for the what is it, the the dopamine spike. But what's that, bro? What's that?

SPEAKER_04 24:51

It's addiction, it's addiction and the man your addiction, so to cut it, your addiction is just manifesting in different behaviours, exactly. That's all it makes you feel like someone you're not substances, behaviours, flipping maybe thought patterns, definitely, all sorts of stuff. Definitely, I think why in trainers you could be flipping spending all your money on chopper. No, I mean you know how much girls that I've known in the past or know, and they say, Oh, I'm a shopping addict. Yeah, girl, I just struggle with shopping addictions, bro. Even man, them, yeah, bro.

SPEAKER_03 25:18

It's real, it's all destructive. Yeah, I suppose I thought we've all yeah, we've all had to deal with it. We've all had to deal with them sort of things, like you were saying.

SPEAKER_04 25:28

So you see, you you see when you said that you went into the therapy therapy um Start again, one second. So you see when you said you went into the therapist for the first time and your your shoulders was here, basically a weight was lifted off you. I know personally how that feels. So when you're saying it, I have flipping I I like resonate with that. Because I remember when I was I was bro, I said in another episode I used to talk in third person. I was so scared, I was so embarrassed about just about drinking and just little things. Um so I know personally what it done for me. So can you tell us like what therapy done for you? Like just in just a few different details, like main specific things, yeah.

SPEAKER_05 26:08

Um yeah, honestly, bro, like changed my life, man. Just it gave me like uh an ability to express myself. Yeah. But like I'd say that above anything because before then, bro, man was just a closed book. Serious, yeah, yeah, bro.

SPEAKER_04 26:22

Like so if if I met you now, like now, but back then, no way, what would it be you wouldn't even fuck with me?

SPEAKER_03 26:30

You wouldn't believe me. You wouldn't believe me, bro. See, you said you were a closed book. Was there like was you an angry person? Would you say mad? Oh, you said I can relate with you on that, I can definitely relate with you on that. Cows are mad man not anymore, not anymore, not anymore. And you know, when you think about madman and you think about when you growing up in the area and you hear, oh, that guy's crazy. You ever think you know what? He might just have certain mental health problems, yeah. He's not a bad man, but everyone's just really a madman because think about it. He might he might have anxiety or or um schizophrenia. So you think he's gonna do whatever he's gonna do, but it's truth is he can't control himself. It's it's not him, he don't want to be like that, he's just like that. Nah, bro. You ever thought about that? That you know the bully from the area, and you think he Bro the bully from the area would would DM man, yeah.

SPEAKER_05 27:20

Yo, my bro. Exactly. Do you see the amount of DMs man get and just on some like so we can reason, bro? That's that's who I am, like humbly, yeah, but that's the role man's taken on within like the ends or with a man, then 100% that they they they feel that they can come to me and talk about certain things, bro.

SPEAKER_03 27:36

I think guy and therapy, yeah. I see certain things, yeah, and like people are like, Yeah, he's mad. And I think, do you know what? He's not mad, he just needs to go therapy. Bro, he just needs to speak, he just needs to open up, and because like you said, the weight that got lifted, there's a lot of things like for example, me. Um I was a closed book and I used to just get angry. I was just angry, I wouldn't say anything. And do you know what? I realised I was angrier. I was angry about when I was young and I got robbed from my phone by them guys from the other area, got dissed by this person, and the anger would come out in other people now because it's like I've had enough. Yeah, so now everyone's collateral damage. Yeah, until I went therapy and spoke about it and was able to deal with it, you know, I didn't even know. I would I'd think like if we have an argument, I'm angry at you because of what someone else has done. I didn't know that, but now I can be like, you know what, let it go. Yeah, it's not worth it. One, it's not healthy holding on to things like that. So that's that now I'm an open book, that's why I'm here. But I was super angry.

SPEAKER_01 28:32

Do you know what a gift and a curse of that is, though? And you should be able to hear it louder. Um when you've experienced something, you can't unlearn that behaviour in the moment. So if someone's approaching you in a certain way, you understand what that means because you've lived and experienced it. Because if a gift and a curse is you know what's happening, yeah, so you can prevent it from continuing, but at the same time, they may not know what they're doing in the moment. Yeah, so you've got to still give a little bit of leeway to see is that actually what it is, or it's just they don't even know the they haven't experienced laughter.

SPEAKER_05 29:04

Yeah, they don't know my traumas, yeah. And bro, that's that's a great point. And that's one thing like you said with therapy that taught me conflict. My connotation to conflict, bro, growing up so subconsciously but was badness, like because I've grown up, my mum and my mum and dad, yeah, yeah, bro. My mum and dad argue, yeah are arguing, yeah. It's it's conflict, it's unhealthy, it's it's not physical, yeah, but it's violent, verbally violent. I leave my yard and I go out, and the man them are beefing the people from over there, yeah, and even people in the ends, bro. Obviously, we're all young guys, so people are getting robbed and whatever, whatever. Exactly. Man go to school, year sevens are fighting, year eights or whatever from the first day. Yeah, bro. From so any sort of conflict was my back's up. There's no peace. There's no peace. You've got no peace, none.

SPEAKER_03 29:53

There's no safe place. So you're always you're hyper vigilant.

SPEAKER_05 29:56

There's no middle ground either. There's no middle ground, bro. Like I I used to say, I my quote used to be cool, we can play that game, but if we play games, I'm gonna win. That used to be. Okay, so you so you have to come out on top no matter what it is, you can't lose an argument, basically, bro. You can't lose an argument, you have to get the last word in. Yeah, bro. And then when I realized that growing up, man can actually navigate conflict healthfully. I can have a difference of opinion with someone and reason. And even then, maybe not necessarily agree with this said perspective, yeah, but I can try and understand. And even if I don't, that's fine. So you know what?

SPEAKER_03 30:34

No, what did you put? Oh, the kids meeting up to fight. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

unknown 30:46

Shout out bounds off.

SPEAKER_04 30:51

You're lying. Yeah, yeah, they are. Sounds like football factory or something, bro. All jokes aside. That's like organized. What's the reason? What school did you go? Moorbove.

unknown 31:03

I went to Moorhoff, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 31:04

Yeah, we used to do that. Bo boys and Moorfov used to be in so it's been going on, but back then it wouldn't have been no one would have even got stabbed. It probably would have just might get rushed.

SPEAKER_03 31:14

Yeah. Yeah. So you know what? And you just saying how you can now navigate conflict properly, it makes sense why you then went therapy because you was having a child. Because now you can basically there's different ways to discipline a child. Now you coming from your household, if you carried on with that, you would have just bought down from what happened in your household into your child's life. So it makes sense. It actually makes sense. And also, you saying about um, so at home, that there wasn't physical violence, but there was shouting and that. And you know that some people have got places to run and hide, and it's a safe space for them. There was nothing for us. Um it was just outside, bro. Outside, you go outside, so you're you feel like not in danger in your house, but it's headache. Yeah, bro. You think let me go outside is where peace is.

SPEAKER_04 31:59

That's where I was like that. I never wanted to be, never want there was nothing. Um my mum always used to say to me, You treat this place like a hotel. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 32:11

Listen, yeah, you don't do nothing.

SPEAKER_04 32:14

You just you just come and you sleep and you're at the door.

SPEAKER_02 32:17

That line's wall as black, bro. Oh my god. That one there is real yeah, it might come in for a quick drink or something. Yeah, bro. Yeah, bro, on my life, bro.

SPEAKER_04 32:28

But you you know, you know what's mad now. I just said it, I'm I could only imagine how it probably felt on my mum. Like, she probably think yeah, she probably even uh trying probably saying it in a general way, like you treat this place as a hotel, but maybe more personal, like you don't care about me, probably. It probably looked like I didn't care about her, more than likely. But I'm just sitting noticing that in the moment, so I just thinking about it, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 32:52

Like obviously, we grew up with our mums, we were around our mums, and then it got to a point where we was no longer around our mums no more. No, bro. Like sit down and watch these denders with our mum or sit around the table and eat dinner with our mums.

SPEAKER_04 33:03

I was off like my old man. Yeah, yeah, right, yeah.

SPEAKER_05 33:06

But it's it's mad you say that, bro, because it's that real. That's what it is, it's that real, bro. Yeah, it's the cycle repeating itself, bro. And that's what I had to do, like even now, bro. Man talk to my mum every day. Yeah, like just to just to check in. Same because in our life where we didn't talk to our mums hardly ever. She's it's not like the house, like man, I've got a nice house, bro. Like, it's just what what's happened there, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 33:34

Let me quickly jump in and ask both used this, yeah. Was there a point where you maybe resented your mums? Because there was a point in my life where there was resentment, yeah. And that's what that was part of me not being at home. I just didn't like my house.

SPEAKER_03 33:47

I think there was like I just resentment towards my mum. When I used to go out and she'll be like, make sure you're back in by nine, yeah, and what do you think, yeah? Not so much fuck off, but you know, like you think it, you know, and it's like this woman's just trying, my friends are right late, and that, and uh this and that, and yeah, mum all the way, say, Yeah, but their mums don't care or stuff like that. And then and then I got into trouble and I had time to sit down and I thought, you know what, my mum was right, you know. Yeah, bro. Like, you know what? It's you got the different perspective streets ain't a game out here, so it's like I had to learn the hard way, but I feel that it's good that I learned the hard way because now I actually have the experience that I can pass down to my kids and be like, Yeah, the streets ain't safe because this is what happened to me. Yeah, so yeah, I did I did resent my mum, but think about our mums only want the best for us. Yeah, bro. That's it. What about it? And they're all still they're still learning, yeah. Think about it, especially my dad weren't around, so my mum had to play mum and dad. Yeah, and there's certain things she can't do that because she don't know what in regards to men, yeah, naturally, bro.

SPEAKER_05 34:52

Yeah, yeah, well, and the same with yourself, yeah. Yeah, bro, yeah, and again, it's it's I wanna be like conscious of this when I'm saying this because like my mum tried her, like you said, my mum tried her best, bro. Like, and shout out my mum, like, yeah, but again, it naturally like on my own journey, bro. Like, um, yeah, no human gets it right 100% of the time. Never always and with parenting, I think it's important about um about being good enough, being a good enough parent most of the time. Yeah, because you're never gonna be the best parent you can all of the time, bro. And I think meeting my mum with that like understanding, because trust me, my mum tried her best all the time and was good enough most of the time. Of course, there was an occasion or certain instances my mum would look and be like, Yeah, man, have that and feel that resentment, and then upon reflection, bro. Yeah, yeah. Because again, my my because my daughter will grow up and say, Dad, you done this and you done that, and that was amazing. However, XYZ gonna get it right, bro. No, 100%. I think from that, uh sibling, yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 35:59

Yeah, me, oh yeah. Um well, it's complicated because I've got a brother that's two weeks, a half brother two weeks older than me. So I'm like close enough, though. Close enough, but I didn't really go with him, so I was kind of like the honest. I'm only child, yeah. Well, yeah, you are complaining. I can see I can see that, mate. Callum like this. Yeah, gone. But my mum's only child though, sorry, go on, continue.

SPEAKER_01 36:30

Only child and the eldest, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 36:32

Yeah, he your face is that that says it all, mate. This is this is my face. Go on, let me let him land.

SPEAKER_01 36:41

We're a trial.

SPEAKER_04 36:44

Okay. There's no there's no instruction manual. Yeah, yeah, we have to hand it to him, you know.

SPEAKER_01 36:55

There's no good at something. If you're learning on the job, you're gonna take it.

SPEAKER_05 37:12

Yo, bro, and parenting is like that parenting, yeah, is that job. Yeah. Like, and it's it's the cliche, innit? When people say, I don't come with a manual. Like, bro, like, I know that bro, like some of the things that like and it and it's I feel like yeah, with parenting, and it's different stages because again, like newborn, I remember bro, I was 23 when I had my daughter, bro. Okay, so man and them are out still doing their oh, we say tonight, bro, yeah, we're going here.

SPEAKER_03 37:39

I'm not I'm like this, I'm with my baby, bro. Like, yeah, it's not yeah, you know what? Even back off of um growing off the back of a parent, and that even goes to our viewers, like the mums and the single dads or whoever. There's no right or wrong way. So, like in regards to people might see things on Instagram and think, no, I need to be this sort of parent. Listen, as long as you're trying and doing your best and your child's safe and there's food on the table, you're doing a perfect job just for the people out there.

SPEAKER_04 38:07

Listen, I'm gonna take that phrase on, I'm gonna just apply it to life. Like, it's not about being the best, it's about being good enough.

SPEAKER_05 38:13

Most of the time 100%, bro.

SPEAKER_04 38:15

I love that. You just give us a you just gave us um a different perspective. Um we're gonna start winding down now, but I'll round up by saying this like just in terms of therapy, one thing therapy done for me, it gave me a different perspective. From young, I was like easily offended, and I still kind of suffer from this a little bit. Um I always feel attacked, and I always feel um I take things personal. So I had to learn with therapy. What the therapist used to do is give me a different perspective. I would say this this happened, and they done this, they done this to me, and all this stuff, like I'd and then the therapist would be like okay, cool, that happened, but maybe it was just that, like it maybe it was just and it would offer a different point of view, and uh that's a great thing that therapy done for me. Uh what did he say?

unknown 39:07

A square and a cube.

SPEAKER_04 39:09

Oh wow, what's that like yeah? There's a difference the square, but really and the therapist will I'm just looking at yeah, yeah, but there's other angles and sides to it.

SPEAKER_03 39:19

Wow, yeah, yeah. That's a everything is always personal, I feel as well. Yeah, I don't think everything's always personal. Some people might have just look even now.

SPEAKER_04 39:28

Look, let me just be honest, we've got some um there's uh admin side to the podcast. There's some internal affairs, yeah. Yeah, I suppose. This week we had a issue, let me just be honest, but it weren't it weren't nothing too deep. Internal affairs, just some admin, and there's something that I didn't uh agreed with, agree with, and I was seeing it one way, but I think a part of me was being a little bit um uh uh fight or flight, fight or flight was kicking in. Like that old thing that wanted to protect myself kicked in, but then I took a step back, looked at it, and then I apologised in a group to the guys. I said, guys, listen, I've been I've been a little bit difficult about this certain situation. Let's move forward. I was looking at it wrong, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_05 40:12

And that's what therapy is enabling, and that's the mental health, that's where you can see the changes in mental health. Yeah, earlier accountability. There you go. Yeah, cool. It might not be like a certain physique, but the patterns in behaviour is like we said earlier, that is proof of trust me, an improvement in your mental health because like you said, bro. Come on, bro.

SPEAKER_04 40:31

I was moving mad, bro. I was moving mad, like not like every like not that I was I weren't like taking a piss or nothing, like I wasn't doing nothing across the line, but I was moving just for one simple thing, it was one bit of paper we had to sort out, and I was just moving off key with it. But you know that that thing kicking in now, but you managed to reflect you can reflect on that part.

SPEAKER_05 40:53

I'm saying and that's again, bro, that's past traumas testament to your character, man. Thank you, bro.

SPEAKER_04 40:57

I appreciate it. Thank you, man. But yeah, man.

SPEAKER_01 41:00

That's commendable though.

SPEAKER_05 41:01

Yeah, at the end of the day, why are we sitting here now is because it's not even like special. And that's that's what that's what someone told me once. Um it's all about it's it's more about the rupture, it's not about the rupture, it's about the repair. You get what I'm saying? Cause because if things can rupture, bro, naturally things are gonna think, but how are you gonna how are you willing to repair that? And that's that's what's important, bro. 100%. And you did that with a proxy, bro.

SPEAKER_04 41:44

Alright, cool. Um man, I feel like anything you want to say that you uh you had on your mind that you wanted to cover.

SPEAKER_05 41:53

I guess I guess, yeah, just for like maybe like a message, like a personal message. Just like yeah, bro. I feel like to to anybody that's watching that might that might be suffering with their mental health or feel that there's a stigma attached to mental health, I completely understand that. Um and that, yeah, like it can be quite daunting and quite overwhelming, um, regardless of um you know, male or female, age, uh, skin colour, anything. Um it's a subjective experience. And yeah, man, to just honestly just just try speaking, you know. They say that the the opposite of depression is expression, it's not joy. Seriously, people think depression and the opposite is joy, it's not, it's it's expression. And people have different forms of expression. We're doing it here on the podcast. Man might go to therapy and express, man might journal, get in a booth, and spit some bars. So I would just I would just really plead to people to just find an expressive thing, find an outlet, whether that be therapy, yeah, man, and it might not be therapy, bro. But it might be, it might be dance, it might be colouring in, it might be in the booth, it might be anything, bro. But yeah, to just again, bro, look at me, for example, bro. People think therapist, they might not think someone like me, but I'm I'm a I would like to think that I'm like a proof of you know you're an advocate for it.

SPEAKER_04 43:09

100%. No, you definitely are, bro. I could just tell just just by meeting you, like just thank you, man. Just the the the characteristics I can see from the short time I've met you, you seem very balanced. Thank you.

SPEAKER_05 43:20

And that's and that's just again, bro. That's that's just testament to the people around me that have helped me and and to myself in like in that having that willingness to to want to to feel healthier, bro. And that's that's what I'll leave with. Like, just find a way of expression. You know, I get it, it can be taboo, but trust me, man, there's there's like there's always light at that on like the other side, man. And there's people there to help. I'm I'm my my Instagram, my DMs are always open. I get DMs all the time, bro. Man, yeah, this is why I do it, bro. Yeah, to help. That's sick.

SPEAKER_04 43:48

Yeah, cool, man. Thanks for that message. So on that note, I'm Cal and I'm Stam, and this is a cast, Cal and Stam Talks.

unknown 43:55

And I'm the voice of Breezer.

SPEAKER_04 43:57

And today's episode was with Triple Talk. Tommy's talking therapy. We're gonna put his socials. Well, actually, no, tell us your socials or how people can reach you, different um channels of uh communication.

SPEAKER_05 44:10

My Instagram and uh TikTok for like my social media content is Tommy Talks Therapy, so T-O-W-M-Y talks therapy, and then um for anybody that might be like seeking sessions or consultation or just wants to talk, um, yeah, uh Tommy TalksTherapy.co.uk is the website.

SPEAKER_04 44:27

Okay, cool. Are you on any like you know like some therapy that have registers like not a register um directory, yeah.

SPEAKER_05 44:34

I'm on a BACP counseling directory, so I've got a B A C I'm not I'm not hard to find, man.

SPEAKER_04 44:39

Yeah, and you're and you're certified, right?

SPEAKER_05 44:41

Your Yeah, yeah, certified BACP registered, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 44:43

Yeah, okay, and you and you got qualifications in it, right?

SPEAKER_05 44:46

Yeah, come on, man, bro.

SPEAKER_04 44:47

So that's a I think that's a more that's more bang for your buck. It's like man them, your man them, and you're qualified. Yeah, you get me.

SPEAKER_03 44:54

That's it's just true though. Yeah, man.

SPEAKER_04 44:56

Yeah, so yeah, uh bro, thank you for coming down. Thank you for sharing your expertise, your time, your experience, bro. Um I I know it's gonna bless the people.

SPEAKER_03 45:05

God willing, man. Thank you. Yeah, and that was a wrap.