Guest Interview with Tahira Herold

Today I talk to Tahira about the patterns and stories that hold us back from showing up as we truly want to be. This in depth convo has certainly sparked some curiosity about the way I think about myself, and I hope it does you too!!

TAHIRA HEROLD - As a former Celebrity Makeup Artist and Conscious Beauty Expert, Tahira had a front row seat to the inner workings of confidence, success and self worth. Tahira now works with successful women to overcome the hidden patterns that lead to over-thinking, over-giving and over-doing To stop sacrificing yourself for success Because the world needs more powerful women who are rested and regulated

@tahiraherold Tahiraherold.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Hello and welcome to another episode of Success Starts Within. Today I have the most gorgeous guest, Tatiara Herold, and we are going to be talking about confidence, identity, and mindset and shifting in our um in what we do with our with how we support women. So we kind of go into this industry with one vision, but actually over time the vision does change. So we're going to talk about that. But firstly, I want to introduce this lovely lady. So as a former celebrity makeup artist and conscious beauty expert, she had a front row seat to the inner workings of confidence, success, and self-worth. Tahira now works with successful women to overcome the hidden patterns that lead to overthinking, overgiving, and overdoing. And to stop sacrificing themselves for success because, and I completely agree with this, the world needs more powerful women who are rested and regulated. So welcome Tahira.

SPEAKER_02 0:58

Thank you so much for having me. I'm so excited to be here on a sunny day.

SPEAKER_01 1:04

Yes, finally. We're just saying before we got on the call, it's like we've got some sunshine. It just makes you feel so good, doesn't it, when the sun's shining, and like anything is possible when the sun is out.

SPEAKER_02 1:14

Absolutely. And I always used to say, um, for years and years, when stories first came out on Instagram, I always used to feel bad, like when it was sunny here, but rainy or snowy somewhere else. I'd be like, if it's not sunny where you are, then find the sunshine in your heart. Because you know, we know about that solar power.

SPEAKER_01 1:32

I love that. And you're right, it's again that kind of highlights like don't look for something external to make you happy. Go within to find it. Yep, absolutely. So let's talk about confidence because firstly, I just want you to kind of tell me about your um your ethos because I know you've repositioned, I mean, you've always been into confidence anyway. But what does confidence look like to your to your ideal client in your community, and how does that show up in their lives?

SPEAKER_02 2:03

Well, confidence is really, really nuanced. So you've we've all been fed several lies about confidence and what it is and what it isn't. So I'll start by kind of busting a couple of myths here. So confidence to to me is much deeper than the surface level being able to do something. It really fundamentally sits on what I call it's like a triumvirate of self-trust, self-acceptance, and self-love. And so I meet, speak to, and have been myself really confident speaking to people. I'm an extrovert, I'm outgoing, confident in the skill of being a makeup artist, confident in this, that, and the other thing. And yet I see and meet and speak to so many women. Like, you know, you see the shadow behind their eyes. There is another piece there. And I've really been kind of honing this, studying this, thinking about this more over the past six to eight months. And it really comes down to this exactly as you just said about external pieces. We have been taught, trained, conditioned to look externally to for that validation that I'm okay, I feel good. And sometimes we forget that we have this intrinsic value uh to bring to the world. And so when we come back to ourselves, you can be super confident and super successful, and yet still on the inside in the quiet of your lonely room, feel like you're crumbling inside, feel like you're faking it. And this goes beyond what people are calling imposter syndrome. I think this really lies in more in a self-worth problem. And also, I don't know if you or your community if you've ever heard this, but the idea of new levels, new devils. Like every time you ascend to a different level of challenge, you will be probably faced with some old patterning or maybe some old wounds that might like to me, like we're never fully healed, right? Like, there's always gonna be a peace there. Your ego mind, the ego mind wants to survive, so it's always gonna find a sneaky little way. But I find that midlife, post sort of after 40, definitely, but definitely after like 44, once those, you know, that oxytocin is dropped in your system, you're doing all the hormonal things. In general, you will probably have arrived at a certain level in your business, in your career. So maybe you're now more into leadership roles, or you've decided to throw in the towel because you're like, I'm sick of this crap, and you're starting again, you've pivoted completely. One of those two things happens in your 40s, fortunately. Um if you have children, uh, they're growing up, so they need you in a completely different way than they did when they were babies, uh, and in a way need you less, but as we were saying before, in another way need you more. If your parents are still around, they're getting older, there are demands coming there from that side. So you're sort of having this massive shift and massive change, and you can be very competent and also confident in uh being a leader, in maybe the skill or the art or the job or the thing that you do, even as a mother, as a parent. And yeah, these paces almost start to reveal themselves at this point because of all these changes. And there's sometimes this secret feeling like I should have this sorted by now. Or I did the therapy on this, I thought I worked on this years ago, or um, I go to the gym, I I work out, uh, I eat well, I sleep well, and why do I still feel about all this stuff that I had dreamed of? And so confidence to me at this stage is really about anchoring into who you've always been. There is a piece of you that took on all these roles and responsibilities looking outwards for that validation, being like, oh, if I do this, then I'm okay. You know, exactly as you say, the identity piece. When I am this, then I can get to be happy. And sometimes you get to the top of the hill and you take a look around and go, the view's great, but I feel like crap. And that's it does, doesn't it? And so it's just revisiting who you've always been, uncovering what's no longer serving you, looking to those patterns of thinking, of feeling, of behaving that perpetuate a cycle of lack of self-worth, which you would probably never say to you would not, you wouldn't go to your girlfriends being like, I have a real lack of self-worth. It might not show up in those words, but it shows out up in um when you ask me what it looks like. It shows up in like you're triple-checking your team's work, even though you fully trust your team. You're triple-checking your own work, you're revisiting an email or a text message that you sent last week because you're like, oh, maybe I should have sent it different. What did I say? Um, how oh, it could have been different, and not from the point of view like, oh, I want to improve on this, on the I'm beating myself up because I did it wrong.

SPEAKER_01 7:02

Yes, self-worth is one of the biggest things that I think women have to deal with, and it starts with all of the, as you've rightly said, all of these different roles that we've taken on. I agree, like at 40, well, it was around 38 for me. I was like, gosh, I want to, I'm a completely different person now, I want to change who I am, and I wanted to throw the old role rule book out and be like, actually, I'm gonna create this person, but I didn't have the self-worth or the self-belief to do all of the things that I consciously wanted to do, and it was going through self-development, which is what got me there. And I'm finding with a lot of my clients, they're experiencing the same. It's like it goes down, everything roots down to self-worth. And you can say to someone, you know, I want to be more confident in this, but actually, what does that word really mean? It's like actually, we need to go and find that worthiness in ourselves before we are able to do whatever we want to do, whatever you know, in whatever we want to achieve.

SPEAKER_02 8:09

Yeah, and I think it's really subtle and nuanced, and it was actually really interesting because I did a post the other day with uh Emma Greed's interview with Oprah, and I I've just started her book, I haven't gotten through it. But I think one thing, because she says, you know, we need more powerful women, we need more women in positions of power, which I agree with completely, and that's why I've added that piece who are regulated. And um, you know, I I haven't read the book, so I don't know her full story, and I haven't like followed the nuances of it. I don't know if ever she ever did struggle with self-worth because some people don't. I had this conversation the other day, some people don't have that, they're just like, I don't care if I don't feel worthy, I'm going for it anyways. But that's not true for everyone, and it's that idea that um when I go out and do something and and follow my heart and have my mission, and I want to have this impact, I want to make this change or do whatever it is I want to do, that I'm going to follow through with those steps because I trust that no matter what happens, like I'm not attaching to the outcome, I'm not, I'm not doing this in order to whatever, it's about who I become on the way to uh achieving that. And so sometimes for some women, I'll exactly as you said, you'll have this conscious idea of I want to do XYZ, and yet it's three years later and you're still cleaning the kitchen cupboards instead of signing up for the course that would get you there. So you know what I mean? It's that maybe it's maybe it looks like procrastination, maybe it looks like self-doubt, maybe it looks like it's very nuanced for different people. And then on the side of that is this permission slip to design your life the way you want to and have that kind of valuing of your desire to say, no, actually, I don't want to live, um, I don't know, if like for example, if you just you left your corporate job or whatever it was, like I don't want to work as part of a corporate machine, I want to be more creative, or I want to have really close, I want a business where I can really closely interact with someone. You know, that permission to do that is can be a big deal in a certain way.

SPEAKER_01 10:04

Yeah, definitely. And you're so right, like self-worth manifests in ways that people don't even realize. You say you don't say, you know, I've got lack of self-worth. It is that progress procrastination. It's like, why can I not get the ideas from my notebook into fruition? Like, what is stopping me? Even though I know these ideas are gonna make me money, why can't I make them happen? And it is that kind of bel that lack of like the belief. Self-worth is just such a huge thing, and you know, although you said not everybody suffers with it, I believe everybody does in some way. We all have that we all have some self-worth issues, some are bigger than others. So, yeah, what do you do? What what do you find are like the most common limiting beliefs, the most common stories that your clients tell themselves that stop them from going for the things that they want to go for?

SPEAKER_02 11:03

I think one of the real the real big ones, like so all the obvious ones, the I'm not good enough story, and um, you know, that kind of thing. Like the I'm not good enough story, I think every human has that. I'm starting to think it's not just a limiting belief, it's like barring a few people who currently are in power making a mess of things. Everybody has that. Um, but it there's a really uh a nuanced version of that, which is the who am I to? And I think this is something like who am I to tell other people what to do? Who am I to uh shake up the system? Who am I to uh uh be a leader? Who am I to start a business? Who am I to uh try to access this next level of of leadership or that promotion or um uh you know, create something brand new on the market? I think that question, who am I to, sits in the recesses of your heart and your mind and is always like, well, you know, it's a it's a it's the she she's the side cousin of the I'm not good enough problem. You know, she's the sort of like little like thing in the pocket in the corner where you might be taking that action on the surface level because this is something again I see a lot. Actually, women doing the things, like maybe they are starting their own business, you know. Maybe I've worked with people who are uh adding side arms, for example, or arms to their business in expertise that maybe they didn't have before. Uh, working with women who have just had a promotion and although they're ridiculously qualified, suddenly feel very shrunken and very small for whatever reason that comes up in that moment. And it's always the always, well, who am I to lead that meeting? I just started here. Who am I to uh try to bring this product to market? It's it's an idea, it's a really good idea, but there's a thousand other people doing it, you know what I mean? And no one says that about a book, you know. Of course, there's a billions of books out there, but um, so I think the who am I to limiting belief or kind of repetitive pattern, that's certainly one that leads to procrastination, I think, in my experience, or uh deflecting. Or you play the game, you you you and I look, I'm gonna be I'm always very transparent. Like, this is something that I've done. You're like, oh, I uh I want to do this, but I'm gonna be satisfied with just this little piece because this is the safe bit where I'm not gonna get rejected, or I know that I'll I'll get there, and then I can prove to myself that I can. And I think this is something the the who am I to story really um, I see that affect women as well, where you're like, I want this much pie, but I'm just gonna go for this little dining sliver right here. Okay, happy, happy, happy, you know. Um, so I think that the who am I to limiting belief really is, I think, very insidious, but very, very present and prevalent.

SPEAKER_01 14:00

Yeah, and I see the same with my clients as well. And then and that stops them from achieving, as you say, high. It just they get to that level, like, well, okay, as long as I have I don't X amount of clients, then to me that's successful. And it's like, but you can push yourself further, and it and I feel that sometimes women put themselves in this little box because that's where we kind of have like conditioned to be in this box, and I know you and I are both very much like generational chain breakers, we want to break these like old traditions and rules and like conditions that women have been like forced upon them to be able to get out of that box because we just do amazing things with money and power, and I 100% agree with that, with that belief. I I'm seeing it all the time, and it's just so disappointing that women feel that they can't they can't push themselves that bit further because they feel that it's not possible for them.

SPEAKER_02 15:04

Yeah, I've just started a conversation recently. I think there's a piece in there about deserving and earning, which I think does tie into self-worth, but it is a bit more nuanced again. You know, we have been taught throughout time like work hard, get the good grades, work hard, get the good job, work hard, get the promotion, the salary, whatever it is. And so there is that definitely to me, like I like I find that that like that very masculine, logical, line, linear route. And yes, that works, and yes, that has its place. And I also will add that for certain people, men, women alike, um, that that that really in their cosmic makeup really works for them, and for others, it does not. And for others, it kind of takes you to a point. Now, what happens in at that point is it's like you're here, and maybe you're doing really, really well, but actually you have your eye on here, and you kind of dare not say that. You dare not say that that's the peak of the mountain you want to be at, and and maybe you know, you're like maybe you'll write it in your journal, maybe you'll tell your really closest friends, but you don't advertise it too much because the distance between here and here, you don't see yourself being able to earn that. And I think that's also a keeping small, like, oh, I'll work on this and I will ladder my way up. It'll go up like a staircase and I'll continue on this linear path. Where actually this, you know, that's the the 10x is easier than 2x, that's the Michelangelo's, that's the that's the zone of genius, that's where you're tapping into like this divine essence, where logic doesn't meet that. Logic does not, you can't logic that, and then you get into quantums and stuff and the folding of the time and the piece of paper and da-da-da-da. But sometimes that feels like you have to tap into that spirituality, you have to tap into that trust, you have to trap tap into that knowing that you have inside you, or uh trust to follow that instinct that took you to that course that is going to lead you there, but it's not necessarily a linear, like if I work on this for one year, then I get to get to this position, and if I get work, it doesn't work necessarily in that direct order. And I think because it's not direct, because it's not linear, and maybe sometimes you can't even see it, that's just like your heart singing at you, and your heart's like, I really want to do this crazy thing. Whether it's like run a marathon or have a multi-X billion dollar business or serve X amount of clients, or maybe bring a completely innovative product to market, it doesn't matter what that is, it could be a personal goal or wider goal, but I think sometimes this linear pattern of unless I follow those steps and earn my way up, I don't feel like I belong or I deserve. And I think that also that's what the kind of keeping small is about sometimes, or staying in that one piece.

SPEAKER_01 17:54

Yeah, and I I blame the school system for that because at school it was very much like pushing forward, you do an exam, you go forward, you do another exam, it's you know, it it's that very masculine kind of way that you explained it. And when I kind of so I'll be honest, at the moment I'm going through this kind of situation where I'm struggling to stop and really recognise what I've achieved. Like, not only in my whole life, but in my like current career as a coach, uh, my career as a sign language interpreter. Like, I'm really not stopping. I teach this stuff, right? So I'm just being so open here, but I'm terrible at stopping and actually going, bloody hell, Kirsty, you have done so much. Well done. Like, I decided last week that I wanted to launch VIP Days. I created a sales page, launched it, sold one within 24 hours, but there was no like, bloody hell, like that's really good. It was like, okay, well, where's the next client? I was thinking if I was to listen to somebody else tell me their story and what they've achieved in their life, I know I would be really, really surprised, and I would be like, Wow, you've done so much. Like, you should be really proud of yourself. But when it's with me, I can't do that. I have to keep pushing forward, and I do feel that the school system definitely does have an impact on that because we don't, there isn't like you've done well in this exam. It's like you've done this exam, or you've got another one coming up, or we've got to do this test, and there isn't really an opportunity to celebrate yourself, and we are terrible at that, aren't we? We're not very good at celebrating ourselves, we always want to keep it.

SPEAKER_02 19:43

Yeah, I think there's two pieces. I think the achievement part is definitely part of the school system, and there's definitely that sort of like um achievement without celebration, exactly as you say. But I also then think it's a pattern of like literally denying your own glory. Um, I think it's it's very uncomfortable sometimes to sit in that um acceptance of that greatness. I think that feels really uncomfortable because we're it that's one of the patterns of like, I'm gonna just find a way to continue to dislike myself and constantly look to the next thing and say that that wasn't enough. That to me is just like a pattern. Um, and then it's got the pattern interrupt and and the celebration. And I and I I think this also this dances a little bit with hunger and drive in a way, and which I think is important, especially if you're running your own business, especially if you're a self-starter, especially if you want to see change in the world or if you want to make changes, you do actually have to have that intrinsic motivation to keep going when things are quiet, when things are good. But that piece around, oh, that little piece of success is not enough. Um, it feels like a failure, feels like a flop because I had set myself the target of, I don't know, five sales within 24 hours and I made one or whatever that might be. It can, it can, it's just the pushing forward is about distracting from the pain around what we feel the gap is, right? And then the gap in the game. You know, the authors talk about this a lot, which is it's that focus on the gap, the focus on what's wrong instead of the looking back of how far you've come. Um, I have an exercise that I always give my clients a little lovely worksheet. I love a worksheet. Um, but I actually fell off my own practice of it and re-re-put it. I did it again last night for the first time in weeks, and it's a it's basically three things, three wins from each day, and three things I'm appreciating each day. And I give this to my clients as well. And it's just to remember to stay in that game. And part of it can be uh, you know, I meditated, I did my two minute meditation, or I didn't get mad at myself. My win is I didn't get mad at myself when XYZ happened. And is it it's these little moments of celebration because it also is about celebrating all those little moments, the steps along the way to achieving. That maybe in a year or two, or even six months from now, you may put out an offer that sells out in 24 hours at that maximum capacity. But to get you there, sometimes there will be a path of earning, a path of learning, a path of understanding, things like whatever it is, marketing, messaging, whatever it is. That you if it's like if you celebrate now, that celebration later will be even sweeter rather than keep looking ahead. Like it's really good to have your eye on the horizon, but both horizons, the one in front and the one behind, so that you're not always in this constant state of striving and chasing. I think this is where we get a lot of this proving energy from um that I talk about a lot, where you're always trying to prove yourself, like, oh, when I get those several sales in 24 hours, then I will be successful. No, actually, the fact that you put the sales page out in the first place is a success. Because 88% of the population won't have done it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 23:01

Yeah. And I, you know, and I find that like since coming from my previous role as a sign language interpreter, you know, it was a very client clients came to me easily, I was booked through agency work, it was I didn't have to push anything. But now coming into this world where it's like I'm in the spotlight and I have to put myself out there, and I know some other clients have been saying this as well, and I have these conversations with women all the time. It's like putting yourself out there highlights so many of your insecurities and your like limited beliefs, etc. So it's working on that the identity of the person that you need to become. So, as you say, that gap that you mentioned there, it's like the identity work, closing that gap to then be able to step into this version of you you want to be. And I know that everybody says the version of me, that next level version of me, she celebrates herself when something happens, you know, she stops and she recognises it, and it's like, Well, why are we not doing that now? And even as an identity coach, sometimes I forget that. I'm like, I've got to keep going, but it's it is just thinking like what would that next level version of you do? Well, she would celebrate herself, you know, because you're worthy of celebrating, because, like you say, it's not just getting that one sale, it's all the work that's led up to that that has got you that sale. So stop and look back and say, Well done, as well as, like you say, having that um bigger goal on the horizon and just believing that what you're doing is working because it is working. Work for me, I'm making the sale. I've got clients that are making you know really good income at the moment, and yeah, just appreciating the work that you do and recognizing yourself. Um and I say as well as my clients, like working with your inner child is one of the best things that you could do for yourself when you are on this journey, because it is that younger version of you that is trying to kind of pull you back, it's the one that is scared, and if you work with her, you want her to come alongside you, and when you do have her alongside you, that's when you are able to achieve bigger and better things because she's there right by your side. Do you do inner inner child work or do you teach that as well?

SPEAKER_02 25:27

Yeah, I think I do it in different like similar but different ways. Though via tapping, we talk about inner child, and sometimes we'll like kind of go down that route to either heal or find a moment that feels activated in whatever is happening with the person. I also talk about it more kind of more a little bit more from like almost like an IFS internal family systems point of view, like not necessarily all it's always not always a child at that age, you know. Sometimes it's teenager, sometimes it's like you know, 20 years old, but basically versions of yourself that were created as a protective mechanism to save the pain from whatever was going on that felt too great at that point. But then also there's the memory that's locked in the body in a completely different way than it would as an adult. You've probably processed that information differently. But a couple things that you said, one thing that you said about when you were um in employment uh when you were working as a sign language interpreter, people were coming to you, and then now being in business and then highlighting it not only highlights your insecurities, but one of the things it is that real difference between being a freelancer and a business owner, where you're out there creating your own clients, you're creating your own opportunities, and it puts yourself in a spotlight, but you have to be the most you you have ever had to be because you have to show the most you, and that's really vulnerable. And you know, I was amazed, like I was I painted some of the most famous faces in the world for over 25 years, and I can tell you two things. One, my gift was making them feel so good as themselves, because it's one thing to go out and perform and be a character and act and play a role in a in a TV show, in a movie, and so on, but to do red carpet and press junket, those were my John Zones of Genius because it's very vulnerable when there's cameras on you, people are asking questions, especially if you're you know, for my female clients, you know, we all knew that the next day the papers were gonna have their faces all over it, their bodies all over it, commenting. You know, it's not on. And so to put yourself out there as yourself is very open, it's very vulnerable, and so there's a piece there that I like to kind of think, I like to kind of talk about where it's okay to have uh, you know, Sherelle J talks about this. This like there's a tiny piece of a performer there where you can also allow that little bit of remote, that little bit of distance, that almost there's like a version of you of Kirsty who's with her family, who's with mom, who's at home, who's with her girlfriends on a Thursday evening, having you know, tea and having a chat, versus the business owner who is at the front of the room really coaching people, helping people, selling her product, selling her service. It's okay to have those several identities in one human being. And sometimes we can it can be helpful, especially at the beginning of the journey, or especially for people who maybe aren't so confident with public speaking, who maybe feel a bit like I totally get the ick of feeling like you're selling yourself, especially for British people. You guys don't like at a networking event to see if you're even like compatible as humans, you know what I mean? So I get the ick and I I relate to it so much. So if it's helpful to be like, okay, I have this identity, and that's where we work sometimes with like it's like a confidence prop. Maybe it's the red lipstick, maybe it's a blazer, maybe it's like, okay, when I put these shoes on, I am this person who's going out to do that presentation. So even if you don't run your own business, for example, if you're in leadership and you have presentations to do, uh, team meetings to run, and it always feels a bit like, you know, maybe it's about finding those props that help you adopt that identity, even if it's temporary, so that you still feel at home with yourself as that person, as well as when you're at home with your family, with your loved ones, you know, on a podcast.

SPEAKER_01 29:55

Yeah. So I used to um put a pair of high heels on whenever I was on a call, way back when I started this journey, because, like you say, that was my confidence prop. I was there in my like workout trousers, a nice top and high heels, but that just changed my posture immediately and kind of just like put these vibes of confidence through my body, and I always felt that I dealt with certain calls differently when I had my heels on compared to when I just sat there with my slippers on. So these kind of little tools really do help, but we're kind of getting to the end. I don't want to overrun and take up too much of your time, but I'd love to talk to you. Could you tell everybody where they can find you?

SPEAKER_02 30:43

Hi, so um, right now I am on Instagram as Tahira Herald, my full name. You can also find me on LinkedIn as Tahira Herald. I'm also the founder of the Radiate Room, so keep your eye out for more events and stuff coming out of the Radiate Room. So both of those are on Instagram at Tahira Herald and at the Radiate Room. And um, I don't know, we haven't even had a chance to tap on tapping, but tap on tapping, touch on tapping. The tapping is one of my favorite modalities for quick healing. So if anybody wants to try out tapping, I have a really great heart at heart confidence activation tapping little video that you can have. So you can either just reach out to me directly, or if you go to the Radiate room, you'll see it right there. You can just sign up and download it, and then just do that as you need. Every time you need a boost, maybe you've got an event coming up, or just to feel more confident, better in your body, more connected to yourself. That's what that's there for.

SPEAKER_01 31:41

Amazing. Well, go and follow Tahira, and thank you so much for coming chatting with me today. And thank you so much for listening. Thank you, and I will speak to you soon. Bye.

SPEAKER_02 31:52

Thank you. Thanks for having me.