Chapter 26 - The Habit Keeping You Stuck: Identify Your Triggers and Move Forward

The Habit Keeping You Stuck: Identify Your Triggers and Move Forward 

Have you ever let one small moment take over your entire day? 

One conversation. One comment. One interaction—and suddenly you’re replaying it for hours… maybe even days. 

In this episode of Burn It Down and Begin Again, Erica breaks down a powerful truth:
Most people don’t have a life problem—they have a reset problem. 

You’re not stuck because of what happened.
You’re stuck because you stayed there too long. 

Through a raw, real-life story involving a workplace trigger, Erica walks you through exactly how something minor turned into an emotional spiral—and more importantly, how she caught it, understood it, and reset. 

This episode dives into: 

• Why your brain replays conversations (and why it won’t let go)
 • The psychological reason we get stuck in loops
 • How emotional triggers are actually clues, not problems
• The difference between what happened vs. what you made it mean
• How to identify the real root emotion (insecurity, shame, pride, etc.)
• Simple, practical tools to stop the spiral in real time
• How to take your power back by shortening the emotional timeline 

Erica also shares her Challenge of the Week—learning how to pause, identify the trigger, and reset before a moment turns into a mood… or a mood turns into a pattern. 

Because the truth is:
 You don’t control what happens to you.
 But you do control how long it stays with you. 

🔥 This episode is for anyone who overthinks, replays conversations, gets triggered, or struggles to let things go. 

If you’ve ever walked away from something and thought,
 “Why am I still thinking about this?”
 —this one is for you. 

Burn It Down and Begin Again is part of the Chickology™ Podcast Collective — Real Women. Real Stories. Real Transformation. 

And if you’re walking through your own fire right now, remember:
 You are not broken.
 You are not too late.
 And you are never, ever alone. 

🌸 About Chickology™
Chickology™ is more than a podcast brand — it’s a collective of strong, real women telling real stories. Together, we’re reclaiming our narratives, breaking cycles, and lifting one another up through truth, laughter, and raw conversations. Every show under the Chickology™ umbrella is created by women, for women, with love.

✨ Join the Movement
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💫 Because when women rise together, we change the world.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Have you ever noticed that one small thing can take over your whole day? One conversation, one comment, one moment, and suddenly you're carrying it for hours. Nothing actually changed. You just didn't reset. Most people don't have a life problem. They have a reset problem. You're not stuck because of what happened. You're stuck because you stayed there too long. Most of us take something small and stretch it into an entire day or longer. Not because it was that big, but it is because we did not reset. And that one habit quietly runs your entire life. Today on Burn It Down and Begin Again, we're going to talk about that and what we can do to change it. Welcome to Burn It Down and Begin Again, because sometimes the only way out is through the fire. I'm Erica, and this is my story told one chapter at a time. Not to relive the pain, but to reclaim the power that was buried beneath it. I share it boldly because I know I'm not the only one. Too many of us carry stories like mine of trauma, silence, survival, and shame alone. But healing isn't just about surviving what hurt us. It's about becoming the women we were meant to be, how we can transform pain into purpose and rebuild life on our own terms to show what is possible when we rise to the strongest version of ourselves. If you hear yourself in my words, know this. You're not crazy, you're not broken, and you're definitely not alone. This podcast is part of Chicology. Real women, real stories, real transformation. We're here to break cycles, rise higher, and create lives that radiate power, purpose, and passion. So if you've walked through hell and you're ready to grow, evolve, and rebuild, then stay with me. There's hope here, there's healing here, and there's an army of us rising with you. Now, let's begin. Hi guys, good morning. At least it's morning for me. It's Erica and welcome to this week's episode of Burn It Down and Begin Again. And I just want to start out this week by saying thank you truly for being here, for listening, for being a part of this growing community. It means more to me than you realize. If you've been listening and you've been getting something out of this, could you take a minute to rate the podcast or leave a comment? It really does help me grow and reach more people because that is my goal here. My goal is to create a space where we can actually heal together and talk about everyday things that matter and concepts and ideas and health and how we can age not only gracefully, but take charge of our aging process. Now, I also have to say I don't want to alienate my male listeners or my younger audience because I do have that too. And yes, it is true, I am going on 56, but I think the stuff that I have to say, a lot of it is going to relate to absolutely every single person. So even though I'm part of checkology and I did gear this to my fellow woman who has been through the fire and trying to fight her way out, it is for anybody that is fighting the good fight. So if you're trying to rebuild, whether you just need to hear a voice that understands what it feels like to go through life and think, am I the only one dealing with this? You are not. That is what this space is for, and I truly hope it reaches you. I also want to take a moment to apologize. You guys who follow me regularly know that I am supposed to air on Tuesday and today is Wednesday. But guys, I get these occasional migraines that are estrogen related. I I know exactly what they are. It has to do with energy fluctuation as I'm going through this lovely time of my life called menopause. And menopause, guys, is not just a uh thing that happens to you quickly, it is something that like happens over a long period of time. And there are a lot of different factors. You get tired, you know, your body starts to react differently to things. And even though I'm on this incredible pec bite stack and I'm exercising, I've never felt better, I believe it is the fluctuation of hormones. And yeah, I am taking progesterone uh and I am taking estrogen, but it can fluctuate. And also that's related to stress. And I do have a pretty stressful, uh, not in a bad way, but life. You know, I am very busy. I take time for self-reflection, but I'm busy, guys. I've got a podcast, I do Amazon influencing, I've got four adult kids, I've got friends, and then I've got this job that I love, but it is a it is a lot of work. My job has I I've shared with you before, but I'm in telecommission uh telecommunications sales and I work for an amazing company, and I love my job. I just have to say that. I I feel not only do I feel like I am doing something to really help people, which is help them with their phones, which is such an important thing, but I love the crew that I work with. But guys, it is the busiest store in town in Las Vegas where I live, literally. I am not exaggerating, and it is non-stop. Now, these guys that are half my age, they struggle too. It is a busy, busy place to work. And I think that when I have that accumulated stress of just the nonstop, I mean, sometimes, guys, we get so busy it's hard to even take a break. It is that busy. And I think what happens is my accumulated stress just kind of catches up with me. And all of a sudden my body's like, nope, you are gonna shut down. And that's I think my migraines are almost protective in that way, where I they come on really fast and hard, and it forces me into a day of sleep. And that's literally what I did all day yesterday. I slept, I'd get up, and I'd eat a little something, and I'd go back to sleep a whole day. And I actually slept all night too. And guess what? I'm 100% today, so I am back. So, as always, I want to begin with a challenge of the week, but it is going to segue into what I'm going to be talking about uh for the whole podcast today, which uh you heard in the opener. Um, this is something that happened to me this week. Okay. I had a conversation with my boss. It wasn't a fight, it wasn't even a conflict. It was her doing her job. And I want to say that up front because it matters. She is really good at what she does, and I have so much respect for her. She's structured, she addresses things the right way. She really does. And she makes sure that things are addressed the right way. She makes sure that it's handled the way it's supposed to be handled. She has a big staff, bigger than ever, and she needs to maintain like a uniform business practice. So nothing about what she was doing was wrong, but the way it landed on me didn't feel good. And it forced me to kind of take a look at the way that I process things sometimes. Usually I think I'm pretty healthy, but this week, no, I didn't do so well. So, anyway, this is something she does regularly. She will pull people aside, check in, reinforce things, make sure that everything is aligned. And that's honestly why she's effective, because she's really uniform about that. But for me, I think it was the buildup of being so busy, the frequent little conversations on top of already being stretched, right? Because now we, like I said, we are slammed. We are busy nonstop. There is pressure, there's a lot going on, and I already feel like I'm operating at capacity when I'm at that job. And I also try and contribute to that job a lot too. I cook on Sundays for the crew. I am kind of the unofficial store mom. We've got a whole bunch of new people coming in. And I do feel as a person responsible. So one of the things that I take into my work is this sense of uh responsibility, meaning, like if it's busy, I'm not gonna take that break and leave my fellow coworkers on the floor, even though I know I should. If it's after my shift and the store is upside down and the trash needs to be taken out or stuff needs to be done, I'm gonna go above and beyond and do more than I should because, you know, I want to be there for my coworkers, right? So all these things in mind, I feel like I do a lot. So she pulls me aside to go over something. And in her mind, it's just doing what she always does reinforcing and clarifying, keeping things tight, trying to be helpful, right? Trying to do her job well. But for me, at that moment, it hit differently. I felt, and I had felt a couple times in the past, kind of singled out. I felt micromanaged, like I was being told something that I already know. And I kind of snapped, which is totally uncharacteristic of me. Not in a big way, but I was defensive for sure. And I totally own that and I see that. So I walked away already feeling off about it, like fuck. I snapped, right? And then the next day she pulls me into the office again, and this time there's another manager there. And I get it, I understand that it's how you handle things. You document, you make sure you have a second person there to hear everything, and you make sure everything's covered. Again, she's doing her job. This second conversation, it wasn't her coming at me. It was actually the opposite. She was just trying to make sure that I was okay. She was asking why I felt frustrated, if there was something she could do differently, you know. She was being a good boss. Is there something she could do to make things better? She was being supportive and thoughtful. Exactly what a good manager should do. But it made it worse for me. I felt like I was a kid in the principal's office. You know, I'm a 56-year-old grown-ass woman. Nobody needs to tell me how to do my job. Nobody needs to tell me how to modulate or regulate what I do at work. I show up and I can truly say this 100% every day, and I give 100%. So, one, when she came at me, and I understand why I felt this way, I felt this way because I felt like, really? Do you really need to tell me how to do my job? And then secondarily, when she brought me in, I'm like, oh God, you know, my little outburst now is being highlighted, and I feel like an asshole. And that is on me, right? But anyway, she was doing the right thing. It's how she operates as a person. And consciously, I know her. She's such a thinker, and she really tries to make sure everybody's happy and she makes sure that everything works. I mean, she's honestly the best manager I've ever worked with. She, she's fantastic. But I walked out of that conversation feeling really frustrated to the point where dramatically in my head, I'm just gonna go to another store. This is ridiculous. You know, all this bullshit in my head. You know, of course I'm not gonna leave. Of course I don't want to leave, you know. I I go and I process. I love my team. I love where I work, I love her. But in that moment, I don't think she listens to this, by the way. I hope not. Sorry if you do. But anyway, that's what made me stop because it wasn't about her. It was about me and how far I let this go in my own head, right? Processing it, right? And I go home, I'm still thinking about it, I'm replaying it. And then I'm like, you know, why does she say it like that? Well, no, why did I react like that? And why did it bother me so much? And when I really sat with it, I realized 100%, it's not about her. She's doing it, she's doing her job fine. It was me. She knows how to do her job. She's very structured, assured she's thorough by the book, but I felt like you don't have to tell me how to do my job. I know what to do. And then I felt like I was a kid in the principal's office, right? And, you know, I think when people are already like myself, working at my peak, I'm already stretched, I already know or feel like I'm doing a good job. I can always improve. It felt like correction. It felt like amplified like that, right? And I felt like I was, like I said, a kid in the principal's office. So now I'm sitting there with two things happening at the same time. My part of my brain that's rational is like, I know why she's doing it. And then why am I triggered by it? So that is the challenge of the week. And that's going to be the episode of uh this week, which is why is it that certain things can take over in your head even when you know better? And why do we stay there? Why do we replay it? What is it? And they always say that the things that trigger you are the things that you really need to look at. And I believe that. So that's the big question is why, as humans, do we let certain things turn into something way bigger than it actually was and turn it into a conflict in our own heads, even when it's not, right? That's what I want to discuss today. And I guarantee that every single person that's listening to this has had a moment like that in their life where our coworker, a boss, a friend, whatever, even a stranger, right, says something and it sits with us. It pisses us off. It's not a fight necessarily, maybe, but nobody raised their voice necessarily, nothing went wrong. Maybe it was just an off-handed comment, or maybe it was a confrontation and you feel like you should have handled it differently, and you repeat it over and over, and it doesn't sit right with you. And you feel like the other person didn't understand your point. How could you have expressed it better, right? And we do this dialogue in our head. We replay it, we relive it, you know, we we wonder why we got defensive. Then we get mad at ourselves for being defensive, and you walk away, and first maybe it's subtle, but then you get in your car and it starts. You replay it. Well, what did they mean by that? Should I have explained myself differently? How did I come across wrong, right? You're you're running different versions of that same conversation in your head. What you should have said, what you wish you had said, what you might say next time. And so the conversation isn't over, you guys. We're still in it in our heads. Then we go home, we're making dinner, doing whatever, and we're still thinking about it. Why do we do that? We're talking to somebody else, but a part of our brain is somewhere else because we're still reliving this confrontation in our mind. This is something that we all do, but it becomes our mood and our energy, our day fills off from something that lasted like what, you know, a few minutes. So let's stay with that for a second. Not the conversation itself, but what happens right after. Because this is where everything shifts. You walk away, there's a feeling, not a big one necessarily, just enough to stay with you. And then most of us, we don't pause there, especially if it's something that struck us. We live with it and we begin to process it and we go over and over. We don't usually say, well, that didn't feel great and move on. Ideally, that's what we should do. And I have to say that's usually what I do, but there are certain moments, certain conversations, certain people that trigger me. My ex-husband, huge trigger for me. I get very defensive with him, and I know it is because I have a history with him. I don't get that way with my kids, interestingly enough. My boss, apparently, this is an issue, and I understand that too. It has to do with the fact that I'm proud of the fact that I feel like I'm already doing a good job. Why does she have to tell me how to do my job? That that isn't a pride and ego thing, you guys, right? So we need to understand, first of all, where it comes from, where the history comes from, why does it trigger us? What is the reason that it triggers us? And the thing is, when we're triggered, the longer that we stay there, the less it's about what actually happened. Now it goes into our other parts of our life. And it's about what it might say about you or them or the situation or what they think about you, whatever. And it builds. Not because anything new is happening, but because you're feeding it attention. And that's how that little five-minute interaction turns into something that follows you for the rest of the day, even into the week. And for me, I really, really had to stop and think about that because I don't want to be that guy. I don't want to be that person that is like it's it felt dramatic. I felt like I was being dramatic after the fact. And then I was ashamed of the fact that I'm like, God, why did I turn this into something that it really wasn't right? So I have to learn how to quickly identify. I think I do pretty good most of the time, but like I said, there are triggering situations or people. And I think without even meaning to be, she's a trigger because she's my boss. I want to do well, I want to perform well in front of her. And when she has to set me aside, it makes me feel like I'm a kid in the principal's office. And at 56, I don't want to feel that way. But she's doing her job, right? I have to be able to rationalize it. But I have to first understand why it is that that triggers me. So let's talk about psychologically what's actually happening. There is a reason, guys, why this happens. Your brain is wired to look for anything that is unresolved. Your brain does not like open loops. There's a psychological concept calls the, I believe I'm saying it right, ziegarnik effect, the ziegarnik effect, which basically means your brain holds on to unfinished or unresolved situations and replays them. So when something feels incomplete, like a conversation that didn't land right, your brain keeps it active. It brings it back up in your head over and over. Not because it's important, but because it feels unfinished. On top of that, there's something else going on. Your brain does not know the difference between something that's happening and something that you're replaying. We've talked about this with manifestation. It's the same concept, right? So every time that you go over that conversation again, your body reacts again. The same tension, the same emotional response. So now you're not just remembering it, you're experiencing it over and over again. And there's a reason why we do this as humans. One, we're we are wired for social safety. If something feels off with another person, especially somebody in authority, your brain is going to flag it. Because historically, being out of alignment with your group, it's in our DNA, you guys, it wasn't safe. So your brain tries to fix it. Two, we think that thinking equals solving. We believe if we go over it enough, we'll figure it out. That's ridiculous. Most of the time there's nothing new to figure out. Sometimes there is, but you're just looping. And three, we've built a habit of holding on. Not because we want to, but because we've never practiced letting go. So again, this is where all the things that I talk about and I've talked about letting go come into play. So for me, I have to say how this played out was interesting because I am definitely practicing what I preached. I had this moment. I had let the mo I had let the first moment go, right? The first moment was she got me in the hall and I kind of snapped and, you know, told her, hey, it's not you, but like you don't need to tell me how to do my job. I'm 56, right? I got it. Anyway, I felt like I shouldn't have said that. I let it go. I had apologized to her in the moment. I'm like, hey, you know, I shouldn't have done that. Whatever, gone. But then she pulls me in the next day. And then it became something else where I felt very singled out. So I was able to go home with all this. I was very upset by that conversation into the next day. And I think it took me until the next afternoon when I was able to process all this and to be able to go, okay, this is what you're doing, right? This is how your brain is looping. I had to ask myself this question: is this worth carrying any longer? Because that is a different question, right? I wasn't trying to solve it anymore. I was deciding what to do with it. So going back to that conversation, instead of replaying it 10 different ways, I had to look at it and say, this is what actually happened. I didn't love it, but it's over. And if it actually matters, I can address it later. If not, I'm done with it. That's the reframe. I'm not trying to deny it. I'm trying to close it. Because at the end of the day, she was just trying to do what she thought was right. And I took that personally because I felt like it was an attack somehow on my ethics or principles or you know how I show up at work, which is ridiculous, right? So here are some practical, real tools, things that actually work. So one, you gotta label it. When you catch yourself replaying something, just say, you know what? I am looping this. That alone creates distance. Number two, set a boundary within your own mind. You can literally decide if I think about this later, you know, it's gonna drive me crazy. Now I'll think about it if I need to, but I'm not gonna think about it right now. And if I do think about it later, I'm gonna limit the time. I'm gonna be constructive, I'm going to try and find a label for it and let it go. Most of the time, most of the time, later will never come because it doesn't really matter that much. But sometimes if it is something that kind of flows into other parts of your life, it does come up again in your head. And then that's when you need to sit down, be honest with yourself, and ask yourself the real question. Why did this trigger me? Why? But anyway, if you're in the midst of your day and it pops up, use physical interruption to get out of it because your brain is tied to your body. That's going to be number three. Use physical interruption to get out of ruminating in the moment. You got to change your state. You've got to do something different. So if you're not already, move, walk, turn on music, shift your environment. You are breaking that pattern physically, not just mentally. And by the way, that works for all kinds of things. If you're feeling a little depressed or if you're feeling angry about something, that's what I will generally do is try and get myself into a different state. Take a walk, do something for somebody else. I do that a lot. What can I do? What can I pick up the phone call and you know, phone rather, and call somebody? What can I do? So, number four, shorten the timeline. You don't have to go from thinking about it all day to not thinking about it at all. Just cut it shorter. Give yourself a little window, right? And I'll say, okay, I am gonna, instead of thinking about this all day, I'm gonna give myself this time to think about it, and then I'm gonna let it go and I'm gonna identify why this triggered me. So you're kind of retraining your brain by giving it a time constraint. Number five, decide what actually needs action. So this is gonna come after you look at it. Maybe you write it down on paper, because that's what I usually do, and ask myself why it triggered me. Once I know why it triggered me, it's much easier for me to see why it bothered me in the first place. So then ask yourself, is this something that I need to address or readdress? Or is this something that I need to release? And why did this trigger me? What can I do to make sure that I'm not triggered next time? Be honest. Most of the time it's a release, but we do have to find out why things trigger us, right? So letting go does not mean it didn't matter. It just means you're not giving it more time than it deserves. Or, andor you are learning something about yourself, why something triggered you. Because I think that is the deeper issue. We have to understand why certain conversations, even though they seem meaningless, really, when we look back in hindsight, why it triggers us. That is the key. Once we understand why we are triggered by certain things, we can really, really take charge of our life. And when you start doing this, you're gonna notice that everything feels different. The situations, the conflicts that you get involved with are going to feel different. You're not gonna linger, you're not gonna lose out. Hours or days of your life, or even longer. Some of us hang on to stuff longer. I know people like that to something that actually took 20 minutes. And you can resolve and move things better, right? This week was a wake-up call for me. Even though I'm usually able to do that, like I said, I really realized this week there are people that trigger me. One is my ex-husband. I get very defensive with him for no reason, even when he's being fine. And I could see that my boss was a trigger for me because I feel like I'm already showing up and doing 100%. You don't have to tell me how to do my job. And that micromanagement, or the way that her style, which felt like micromanagement to me, triggered something in me. She's doing her job fine. I have to understand, I'm doing my job fine too. She's just being her. I have to let her be her and not be triggered because it brings up an insecurity in me, right? I had to learn to not let something take up more space than it deserved and how to process it properly. And I think that's what this whole thing needs to be about. Every time in our lives, guys, when we carry something, every conversation that we have carried or a feeling that we've carried, a moment that didn't sit right, it builds over time and it makes it heavier than it actually is. And it lives in our head. And we need to be able to put it down. And the only way we can do that is to understand the trigger. What is it that triggered us? What did it make us feel? Did it make us feel insecure? Did it make us feel angry? Why? Why did it make us feel like that? The bottom line is I'm not going to live my life the way that I did in my 20s and 30s, giving up hours to something that lasted minutes. I want to get right to the heart. I want to understand what my part is in things and why things trigger me so I don't keep replaying things that are already over and don't matter. But what does matter is why that it, why it triggered us, you know, why it is that it brought something up in us that lived in our head for a while. That is the answer to the solution. So, guys, that's what I want to leave you with this week is every single time, whatever it is that you run into that you are replaying again and again and again in your head, and you know consciously it doesn't matter. I want you to go back and I want you to understand what emotion it's bringing. Is it insecurity? Is it anger? Is it shame? What is it? And then why did it trigger you? What is the core emotion? What is it that it, emotion that it brings up in you? That is where the answer lies, you guys, is figuring out how it made you feel. So for me, like I said, it boiled down to I feel like I'm already doing a good job. Nobody needs to tell me how to do my job. And why did I feel that way? Because I already feel like I bring 100 myself, 100% of myself to work. It made me feel like that was being questioned. And of course, that was not her intent, but that is how it made me feel. So that again is in me. I had to understand that to be able to let it go. Live and let live. She's doing her thing, she's a great manager, I have no complaints, and I'm a great employee. I'm doing my thing. It's just, it was a it was a her being herself and then me reacting. And boy, it really feels good to be able to go back. And what's funny is after that happened, I had a conversation with my ex-husband that really triggered me and I got defensive, and he wasn't doing anything wrong. And very quickly, I was able to be going back to the conversation with my boss and understand that this was the same thing. It was targeting a different set of emotional triggers for me, but very, very quickly, I was able to go in and understand what was going on, right? So, guys, we do not control what happens to us, but we can control how long it stays with us. That shift, it changes everything. Our day, our energy, our peace. So this week, guys, when something like that happens, just catch one. One moment where something small tries to take more time than it deserves. Let it go sooner. It's not going to be perfect, but if we begin to target and understand where our emotional reactions come from and be able to name them, that's where it starts. Guys, thank you so much for being here and holding this part of my story with me. If today's episode resonated with you, please don't stay in silence. Share it with someone who might need to hear it. And if you're walking through your own fire right now, know this you are not too broken, you are not too late, and you are never, ever alone. This is Burn It Down and Begin Again. I'm Erica, and I'll see you in the next chapter.